Ancient runes? or Ellaborate ruse (open for one)

[Saiyan]

((OOC: The town and people inside are a part of the arena, the people run and hide once the fight starts but they are still in the houses))

Jolex had been walking for days when he noticed a huge spire of some sort; he thought maybe it was a big inn or a place to sleep. So he started walking towards it, after a few minutes which seemed like hours he arrived at on old ancient looking building, Weather torn over the years of it standing. A mat beige stone on the front with two huge wooden doors looked a lot like oak.

Jolex walked in and before he could even admire the beautiful lounge of this place someone in a robe pointed him down a hall and when Jolex hesitated another robed being started pushing him towards the hall. After a few minutes there was a tug at the robes showing Jolex to stop.

Jolex looked to his left there was another hall with a single door at the end of the hall. He assumed he had to down there to his room, so he walked down the hall. And as he opened the door it show a street like down in the city just before this building and when he turned around it was a shop there with customers inside.

Infact, Everywhere in this city was here it was almost like it was a back exit to a town. But where did the Inn go?

Jolex was very confused he took out his brass Knuckles and put them on cause he knew something was up, he had that instinct.

[Falling With Style]

The young wizard glanced around nervously, her one visible eye darting left and right under a furrowed brow. The monks had promised her a test of skill, asked her if she was up to the task of proving herself. And why the hell wouldn't she be, reasoned the wizard? She'd show them - she'd show them all, ah hah HAH ha-

*harrumph*

She really had to stop doing that.

The young wizard's rust-colored eye peeked out from under the hat, scanning the promenade, looking for something -anything- to clue her in to what the crazy monks had prepared for her. Was this elaborate glamour something for her to pierce with her magic, or was she expected to defeat some poor schmuck in combat?

Then, striding down the street like some black-clad font of testosterone, came her answer. The wizard Alcyone darted around a street corner, her linen clothing making little sound above the milieu, and retrieved a small spyglass from her pack. She didn't think he'd seen her yet, but one can never be too careful, yes?

The individual in question, thus, was the most out-of-place person on the street. His black shirt clung tightly to an overmuscled frame - honestly, if there wasn't some sort of magic at work there the wizard didn't know what - and spiked black hair raked aggressively back from his forehead. For some strange reason, Alcyone felt he needed a monocle.

But most interesting about the newcomer was the energy he seemed to give off. There was some sort of residual magic about him, magic that an astromancer such as herself recognized, recognized as belonging to a small, high velocity celestial body. A comet or meteoroid, perhaps? No matter. She would have to study him further, but first, she needed to see how dangerous he was.

From the safety of her alleyway, the wizard Alcyone drew a small sigil in the dust with her fingers. From the opposite side of the street, a pebble lifted ever so slightly off the ground, wobbled, and then launched itself at the individual's head. Not hard enough to really hurt, mind you, but she wanted to see how he'd react.

[Saiyan]

As Jolex started walking through a streets a weird feeling came up. He looked around just in time to see a pebble flying towards him, he instinctively shoulder rolled to the side and looked around for who was controlling it. Then he felt it a sense similar to his own and for a minute thought it was another like him.

Just before he screamed out recklessly he remembered he is what he is due to an meteor or piece of sky hitting him. There is no other like him, he charged up a small ki blast in his hand creating a slight blue hue around his hand as he tried to sense where the energy was coming from.

It was taking to long to find it. So he turned around through his Ki Blast at the building behind him and blew a hole in the front the size of a him. As all the villagers ran inside their homes to hide.

“Come Out and fight like a man you ... you.... wimp!” Jolex said as he readied his energy to create a ki shield if needed.

[Falling With Style]

The young wizard's sneakiness was immediately rewarded.

FOOM! went something, she couldn't quite tell what. But whatever it was, it came from that big guy she'd tossed a pebble at. He's fast, noted Alcyone, having watched him effortlessly dodge her projectile. And he's angry.

The black-haired young man roared some kind of a challenge. Come out and fight like a man, she thought it was.

"I am no man!" Alcyone whispered forcefully to herself. Always wanted to say that.

The problem of her opponent -if that is what he was to be- was still there, snorting angrily around in the street like some kind of deranged rhinoceros. A glowing corona formed around his hand, which he waved around like a dowsing rod. Perhaps trying to sense her out? The wizard wasn't sure, but she was no stranger to 'detect magic' spells and their equivalents.

And as Alcyone had no intention of letting him know where she was, she knew she'd have to be sneaky for now. Her fingers drew most of a sigil on the ground, but left out a key part - a last dash here, or possibly an incomplete listing of forces there. The sigil remained inert. Hurriedly, she drew a couple more and left them incomplete as well.

Then, quick as she could, she finished all three at once.

From differing points all around the unpleasant young man, three objects lifted minutely into the air - a hard potato from a fruit vendor's cart, a rock and a horseshoe - and all three "fell" sideways towards him, accelerating as if dropped from a building.

Content to watch her handiwork, Alcyone unfortunately committed a novice's error. Her spyglass, pointed at a bad angle, glinted in the sun and created a small rectangle of light on the side of a building, directly within his line of vision. She noticed it, but it was too late - if he was paying attention he'd have seen it.

Oh, crap.

[Saiyan]

Jolex realized something as he was checking for his opponent. It takes a while between his attacks, almost as if they had to chant something or even draw something. When Jolex was about to attack another random building, a potato and a horse shoe came at him getting faster and faster as they got closer.

Jolex smiled as he pushed his readied energy out to disperse the objects in front of him only to get hit in the back of the head by another rock. He was starting to get mad now how can he fight something he couldn’t see, and at that moment came his answer. A small little glint of light on a building caused a general whereabouts of his attacker.

He Spun on his heel a bit wobbly from a rock hitting him in the head but he was still able to spin. He focused energy into his hand and threw a ki blast the size of his head at a darkened alleyway and if it connected it would feel like a blast from hell. After a few seconds he ran in behind his ki blast to fight back.

“Come on out and fight like a man I say!”

[Falling With Style]

Gorram it! thought the girl, hastily dropping back behind the corner to stuff her spyglass away. She cursed herself for being careless enough to leave the shiny brass spyglass out, but moreso, she had forgotten the position of the sun. As an astromancer, she felt a pang of shame.

As a gladiator, she felt something else entirely...

FWOOM went a wave of energy, rippling serpentine through the air like some kind of tear in the fabric of space. What the- thought Alcyone, before it caught her straight in the torso, picking up the lightweight wizard and carrying her backwards into a wall. Whockk went the small of her back, the back of her head, and her shoulders. Stars exploded before her eyes as a distinct smell of burning reached her nostrils. Looking down, she was rather embarrassed to see a solid chunk of her robe had been scorched away on the left side to expose her scrawny white frame. A burning pain throbbed there where the energy blast had burnt the skin to a first-degree sear.

Thank the thaynes for the First Law of Clothing Damage, at least. And belts.

She didn't get much time to ponder why her chest, arms and legs were still covered by clothing, chalking it up to some cosmic enforcer of Common Decency, because in came the angry man, roaring as usual and looking ripe to taking her head off.

Alcyone, wizard of cosmic power, summoner of meteors and warper of the very fabric of spacetime, performed the mightiest and most effective of wizarding practices:

She grabbed her quarterstaff and ran for dear life.

About six paces' sprint down the alley, Alcie came to the realization that this maybe hadn't been her most brilliant idea. For one, pasty scrawny wizards generally run in metaphorical ways, by taking flight or transforming into animals, and her thighs reminded her of this with a tired burning sensation.

Second, and perhaps more pressing, was that she'd run out of alley.

Slowly, she turned to face the Angry Man, holding her quarterstaff out before her vertically, with outstretched arms as if it would turn into a snake and devour him. The capped tip scrabbled slightly in the dust as she trembled.

Big don't-kill-me-kthx-smile.

"Ah...hi. Name's Alcyone. You from around here?"

[Saiyan]

Jolex Ran into the alley to see a tiny little woman with a burnt hole in her chest from where his ki blast had sent her back and then burnt away. But not only did she have the look and the fear of a coward upon but she was a coward she picked up her staff and RAN AWAY!

Jolex started laughing as he started running after her. After a few seconds he stopped cause he realized she had nowhere to go there was a wall there.

"Ah...hi. Name's Alcyone. You from around here?" she said as she got a cowardly Smile on her face.

“That is not important all that’s important is that you know my name, I am Jolex.” He said as he put both hands either side of him and summoned a ki blast in each hand. “Oh and your lucky my last little attack didn’t blow up on contact I thought you were farther back then you were.”

Jolex was getting ready to finish her off with his favorite move, The Kabuki Wave.

[Falling With Style]

The mind has a funny way of preempting trauma, or at least making an effort to. Instead of focusing on the twin glowing fists of fiery death the Angry Man Jolex charged before her, which by all rights and means it should have, Alcyone's train of thought derailed itself, cheekily sprouted some kind of rotorcraft mechanism and went soaring giddily off into the clouds. In other words, the wizard Alcyone rather dimly recognized what her body was up to.

"Jolex," Alcyone remembered saying. "That's a nice name..."

"FOR A WATCH!" she cackled, and slammed the bottom of her staff into the ground. A very specific place in the ground.

The small diagram she'd been tracing in the dust thus completed, it shone yellow and summarily yanked Alcyone violently off the ground as the Angry Man's beam of death fired. The wave of energy lit up the alleyway and sizzled hellishly into her lower legs as she achieved liftoff, spinning the wizard around in midair and possibly dislocating her ankle, but she didn't care she was flying and oh wait, didn't the giant death ray wipe out her sigil...?

- oh right - it did, and then she was falling again, falling right back into the Angry Man, clutching her magestaff in her right hand and assuming a position rather like a flying left-shoulder tackle aimed right at his face. Grinning like some kind of lunatic in a Hey, what a lovely day it would be if we could only get out of this alleyway to admire it kind of way, her right hand violently whipping the brass-capped magestaff around at "Rolex's" head, the one thing Alcyone's mind did focus on was thus:

Whatever happened, at least one of them would be in absurd fits of pain.

[The SpellSword]

((OOC: it is me Saiyan just my computer is being gay and wont let me switch accounts sorry for the confusing new name))

Jolex wasn’t all that pleased that his Kabuki Wave had missed her, but it did give him a lot of knowledge. There was a drawing in the ground and when she completed it she took off, but when Jolex erased a chunk of it with his Blast she came crashing down again.

Crashing Down!, Rang through Jolex’s mind cause as he looked up he say her coming straight for him. He couldn’t move the only thing he could do was use his Ki Shield, which from his already weakened state would be very weak itself.

So he focused what he could and pushed a barrier right in between him and Alcyone, if the barrier didn’t stop her it would at least slow her down and it wouldn’t be a harsh landing with his skull or shoulders. At most his Shield would send her flying away from him right back into the burning hole in the alleyway wall that her back was too only a few seconds ago.

As she got closer and closer he realized she was rather beautiful, but she was still trying to kill him which was something he couldn’t accept, and at the last second forced open the Ki Shield right between them.

[Falling With Style]

The following events would probably do best if described in freeze-frame.

As the wizard rocketed through the air at a snail's pace to close inexorably with the Angry Man, her magestaff cracked diagonally into the Saiyan’s left temple. A fraction of a second later -a few seconds in our freeze-frame view, dear reader- forked blue energy erupted from all parts of Jolex's bulky frame, splaying radially outwards before accumulating, collecting like charge around the surface of a spherical capacitor to solidify into a Ki energy shield…

Resume normal time. That minuscule fraction of a second later, the Ki Shield winked into existence and the wizard Alcyone crashed directly into it. Pain exploded all over her body from the impact -her face, her chest, everything- while arcs of energy lashed out with electrical force, sizzling their blue needles into hair and flesh alike.

When she made that first postulation, the one about screaming fits of pain, Alcyone wasn't expecting it to be her.

But forcefields are funny things, effectively being frictionless surfaces. Alcyone still had forward momentum, and that meant she didn't stop when she hit the ki shield, instead sliding straight up, over, and off into the street. Corpselike, her hand gripped her magestaff, dragging it up through the crackling shield where the brass flanges -the bits where her telescope attached- caught on Jolex's facial skin and tore open a bloody wound.

Then the shield burst and propelled her violently backwards, tumbling end over end like a body kicked sideways down a flight of stairs, her robe kicking up a plume of dust in the street. Alcyone came to a halt in a cloud of dust, from which an arm drunkenly groped for the magestaff she'd dropped. Everything, every single part of her flared up in electric pain. She didn't know if she could even stand.

But with that same dazed incomprehensibility came detached clarity. Inwardly, she suspected this was her brain spasming a few times on its way out. The middle of the street, that's where she was – lying brokenly in the dirt. Dumpy wooden buildings squatted around the promenade, their frightened inhabitants peering at her through freshly splintered holes courtesy of the Angry Man. The plaza behind her sported a crude statue, covered in dust – thanes, was there anything here not dusty? It made the sun reflect funny -

- wait, the sun?!

A slow and idiotic smile spread over the wizard Alcyone's face, that one rust-colored eye (complete with a broken blood vessel for emphasis) peering out from behind a crucible of tattered, singed hair. Her finger reached out from her heap of a body, drawing a simple diagram on the ground. Only a few small lines, it incorporated the position of the sun and the path of her rays.

From the sky, light collected itself as if passing through a magnifying glass, then lanced a pinhead of photons directly into Jolex's pupil.

[Saiyan]

Jolex watched her smile and draw something in the ground, and at the rate of this battle in to time at all he would win. At that moment his left eye started burning, his left eyes optic nerve had been burnt away from his eyeball disabling all sight and movement out of that eye.

Jolex couldn’t handle this pain, he dropped to the ground on his knee’s screaming in pain.
This was not Expected, he could not see out of his one eye. If she was able to draw another picture she should be able to take his other eye out stopping him from fighting.

With his one good eye he examined her seeing what she was going to do next because he can not allow another drawing. He threw a ki blast at the drawing on the ground in front of him wiping away a huge portion of it.

He then got up and slipped on his Brass knuckles as he summoned a ki blast in one hand and threw it at her right forcing her to go left and right into a brass knuckled fist.

[Falling With Style]

The wizard Alcyone wasn't overly proud of that last shot, but it HAD proven useful. She winced, watching her adversary drop to the ground as the scorching sunlight blasted headlong into his eye and boiled it like an egg inside his skull. His knees hit the ground with a dusty thud, dribbling blood from the wound she'd made on his face. If ever the Angry Man looked the part, it was now.

Her mind raced inside her battered body, taking stock of the situation. A growing sense of hot/cold inside her chest and leg pointed to internal bleeding, and every movement she made sent bolts of pain searing up her spine. She couldn't freefall out of this one; the pain and internal injuries would tear her apart like wet paper. No, all she could do was try to intercept his attacks, pound him with missiles and hope it was enough to take the beast down before she too fell.

Alcyone clenched her eyes and jaw shut, and began scribbling on a burnt scrap of parchment. This new diagram wasn't pretty, but it was useful. Alcyone realized it would only be seconds before the Angry Man got his act together and blasted her again, and tried to jam as much detail into the sigil as possible.

Blam! went another energy blast, careening in and impacting mere feet in front of her. The force and heat of the blast singed hair and pushed her crumpled form back a few feet, but the wizard kept writing. Blood ran down her nose from a shard of cobblestone that the blast had kicked up, but so determined was she that she held her nose directly over the parchment, where it dripped down and became part of the sigil.

Then the Angry Man was running in, his fist glowing blue. It charged like a pregnant thundercloud, blasting loose another lump of energy -

- pow! -

The glob of energy exploded prematurely upon a flying potato. Bloodied and barely conscious, the wizard cracked a small grin and held her completed diagram safely in her hand. She'd stopped sweating and knew heat stroke was just around the corner in this sun.

In came the Angry Man, his fist swinging in a wicked jab towards her head. The wizard looked up towards him, at his boyish face, that spiked black hair and the large bloody wound she'd inflicted. His one eye, latched shut thanks to the piercing sun, met her one eye, blood red from broken capillaries and damage, the only one visible from behind her curtain of rusty hair.

In that split second, the wizard Alcyone idly wished she could see the look on his face in about three seconds -

- Crack! -

****

The villagers inside their broken building saw the Angry Man race up to the skinny girl with the funny hat and lay a truly heroic hook into her skull. The sun-baked cobbles rang with the unpleasant sound of brass knuckles impacting bone. As the young wizard flew through the air, one of the villagers swore a tiny smile tinged her bloodied face.

Old Man MacGregor's vegetables had been left in their stall when the villagers ran for cover. Now, every last one of them wobbled, from the hard potatoes to the apples to a few rocks under the cart, and launched themselves airborne like that mad scientist's automated fruit-gatling from last week got loose again. They shotgunned in a massive volley, some going wild but most staying true, and due to the distance they accelerated as if dropped from a high building.

Alcyone's down. The last post is yours, mate.

[Saiyan]

Jolex Smiled his plan had worked, his punch landed square with her right cheek. He could have sworn he heard a bone break but that wasn’t his concern, he stood back up and noticed she hit the ground hard, she was out cold. He raised his arms in victory only to see vegetables and fruits rise from a cart.

“Oh, Hell No!” Jolex said as he got into his wide stance and tried to concentrate he pushed out what power he could into a ki shield. The first apples and potatoes hit the shield and burst into tiny pieces. But from the low frequency buzzing his shield made when being hit it vibrated his open wound on his eye, which cause him to collapse with pain only to get pelted by vegetables and fruit, he got up to celebrate and saw that the best you got when a big potato hit him right smack dab in the forehead knocking him back and out cold.

[Falling With Style]

Not sure if Saiyan submitted this or not, so here's a clean-up post before I go ahead and do so.

"...ugh."

Ringed by a sizeable blue shiner, Alcyone's rust-colored eye fluttered open to survey her surroundings. Four low walls built solidly of block stone enclosed a recovery room, enough for two beds, some medical equipment and one scowling Ai'Bron monk watching wizenedly over his two charges, likely to ensure they didn't go at each others' throats.

Not that he had much to worry about from the wizard Alcyone, at least. For one, she owed her life to the old monk's skills. Plus, anyone with body-based magic like healing was not someone she planned on pissing off.

The Angry Man, over in the next bed, presently emphasized the lumber part of slumber. He was out cold and that was exactly how the wizard preferred it - she aimed to put some distance between them at her first opportunity. The aches running through her recently mended body reminded Alcyone just how she resented the Angry Man's overwhelming power. The ability to constantly blast those spheres of energy from his fists, the giant death ray she'd narrowly avoided - whatever power source drove them intrigued and frustrated her.

As Alcyone turned that last thought over, something clicked in her brain and she sat bolt upright in the white linen sheets. When she'd stumbled into this building, brash and full of confidence, the monks had likely seen -felt?- that confidence inside her. What else had they divined, the fact that she worked the star magic? Was this why they sent her against the man who gave off such a strange astro-magical signature? After all, to even a low-ranking astromancer like herself the man's signature was clear as day, like a comet, or a meteor or something. Big and bright and full of energy as it burned itself out in a flash. Makes perfect sense to me, she thought wryly.

Her mind turned inwards. Perhaps it was for her studies - were the Ai'Bron monks in cahoots with her frustratingly obtuse mentors back at the academy? Had Mizar, her professor, engineered this whole thing as a test for her as one of those bizarre tests he kept sending her on? After all, she had a sample: the guy's still-gooey blood upon the metal flanges of her astromancer's staff. There was no telling what strange results could be borne of the stuff.

Alcyone slitted her eyes, looking around the room where sunlight filtered over sterile white stone. The bored monk glanced back at her, face serene as a forest pond. The wizard shot him a grin. "Thanks," she said.

To this day, Alcyone could never figure out if the expression he returned was a polite smile...

...or knowing grin.

K, just wrapping things up from here. Requesting a vial of dried Saiyan blood (she scraped it off her magestaff) as spoils - also, whatever stale potato that was that knocked him out. XD

[Raelyse]

Saiyan

Story

Continuity – 2 – Continuity basically scores how well you answer the question, “Why is the story taking place?” You gave me almost nothing. I did not learn of where Jolex had come from before this, only that he was apparently searching for battle with such fervor that he had been walking for days. I learnt of his origins, but only from one sentence. You can easily get another 4 or 5 easy points by simply telling the reader what your character had been doing prior to this thread.

Setting – 2 – You had a reasonably interesting setting, but you did nothing with it. You barely described the area and I have a feeling that if Falling hadn’t changed the setting by running away, you would have stayed in the same, next to nondescript place in the arena. To score better here, you first need to describe the area better so that we can get a clear picture of where the story is taking place. I didn’t get that here from you and most of the setting was drawn from Falling’s posts. Another way to get a better score here is by using the arena to your advantage or at least acknowledge it in your character’s actions. A good example is right in front of you: Alcyone using fruits as makeshift weapons and exploring the arena during the quest. Obviously, these wouldn’t be in character to Jolex, so you need to think of your own ways to use the surrounding area.

Pacing – 3 –Ultimately, I felt that the story was very boring and the moves that Jolex pulled off very expectable. When the reader can tell every move that your character is going to make, it takes all the excitement out of the story. This was just a fight in the Citadel, but you can put more excitement into a relative simple premise through your character’s actions and some good plot twists. Even a simple thing like bringing the townspeople into the battle or using makeshift weaponry can improve the score here.

Character

Dialogue – 3 – This was awfully cliché. Jolex didn’t say anything that was terribly eye-catching or anything more than mediocre and average. Still, it represented his character so there were successes in some way. However, I feel that you can improve by trying to be a little more original with your dialogue, having your character speak more of these good lines and try to implement some thoughts so we can get a better idea of Jolex’s mental state.

Action – 5 – Everything you did fit with the character and therein lies the problem. Jolex isn’t a terribly interesting character, so the things that he does aren’t going to be terribly interesting, are they? I’m not saying that you should dump Jolex for a new character, but I think that you can improve him by giving him more depth. You portrayed him as nothing more than someone who loves battle, but there are interesting characters that are basically that. Try to explain his motivations more and you will do well.

Persona – 3 – The issues towards the end of my comments for Action come into play here. I thought that the brief line about Jolex finding Alycone beautiful was a welcome departure from the usual thoughts about battle. If you had more of those sorts of thoughts, you would score much better because then Jolex wouldn’t seem so one-sided.

Writing Style

Technique – 1 – No literary devices to speak of. Your writing is very boring because it is just basic sentences, without advanced writing techniques like foreshadowing, allusion, similes or metaphors to spice it up. Look at other roleplayers here at Althanas because all the good writers here use them. Implement them into your writing and you can easily gain a good 4 or 5 points here.

Mechanics – 3 – There were capital letters in the middle of sentences and some fragmented sentences in your writing. You can easily eliminate these errors by putting your post into Microsoft Word or another word processor with SpellCheck. The frequency of these errors really hurt you in this category.

Clarity – 2 – There were a few situations where I was a bit confused as to what exactly Jolex was doing. As I mentioned before, there were some times where I felt that I got more of what was going on from Falling’s posts than from your’s. Read through your post before you post it and you can easily spot any errors and make your posts easier to understand.

Wild Card – 2 – You show signs of enthusiasm and an eagerness to write. If you take my tips into account in your next piece of writing, I’m sure it will be better. Just have patience and you will improve.

Total Score – 26


Falling with Style

Story

Continuity – 5 – You told me why Alycone was in the Citadel, but this was only briefly touched on. You can improve here by giving me more, perhaps by telling the readers what Alycone was doing prior to this thread. I did like how you ended the thread with a hint of what she was going to do in the future with what she had learnt and gained from this story.

Setting – 4 – I liked how you used the objects in the arena as makeshift weapons and even explored the arena through retreat. However, I didn’t feel that you described it well enough to warrant a higher score. You write well, description wise, when it comes to your character but when it comes to describing the setting, this was comparatively lacklustre. You have the potential to do better here and all it takes is a few sentences here and there so that the reader can get a better picture of the arena that your character is in.

Pacing – 8 – This was good. You didn’t make Alycone a powerhouse who could sweep over her enemies at will. You gave her limitations against an opponent who could be described as stronger. This made for an interesting battle because I was always interested as to how Alycone was going to stand up against Jolex. Improvised moves and attacks only helped you more in this category.

Character

Dialogue – 7 – Alycone is a very interesting character because she’s a less than competent battler, but she is eager to prove herself. Your dialogue proved this and really seemed to highlight her personality. However, I didn’t get the feeling that you really dove into her emotions. Instead, you scratched the surface and presented me with a few one liners which were entertaining, but lacked the oomph of a more realistic feel. Try to tone down the cartoony aspect of Alycone and you will score better in character departments as she becomes more believable.

Action – 7 – Alycone never did anything out of character, which is the basic requirement to do well here. As I mentioned in Pacing, I was thoroughly entertained by the things that she did during the battle. Like the rest of the categories in Character, Action was hurt by you not delving enough into your character.

Persona – 6 – The tips for Dialogue and Action also apply here. Overall, I didn’t feel as though you revealed enough about Alycone’s personality to warrant a higher score. Over the course of the thread, I only had a brief idea of who she was. Try to reveal her emotions and reactions to what’s happening in the story and you will do better here.

Writing Style

Technique – 7 – Your writing has a few good advanced writing techniques which really brings it to life. I liked them and none seemed to interrupt the flow of the writing.

Mechanics – 7 – No glaring grammar or spelling mistakes here. I do feel as though some sentences were a bit long and could have been broken down, but overall you proved yourself a good writer here.

Clarity – 7 – To put it succinctly, I understood everything that was going on in your posts. There were a few times where I had to read over the sentence a few times to truly grasp the full meaning of what you were trying to convey but these were few and far between. Still, a quick read through will eliminate these and give you a higher score.

Wild Card – 7 – This was a good show from you. I like your light hearted style of writing. Take my tips to heart and I’m sure you will improve and become a great writer here.

Total Score – 65

Saiyan gains 50 EXP and 109 GP
Falling with Style gains 550 EXP and 234 GP

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!