For the People Who are Still Alive! [Ettermire]

[Ataraxis]

Writing Exercise closed to Zook Murnig

The Qu’Ellarin building towered in the heart of Ettermire, a ten story structure of smoke-stained bricks and blackened mortar. It was but one amongst many others that stood soldierly along the paved streets, but what distinguished it from those corporate properties was the fact that it had eluded the allegedly infallible vigilance of bureaucracy. Following the previous owner’s untimely demise, a lonely old codger that had died in celibacy, the building was scheduled to be put up for auction a week later. Due to a slight clerical error of disproportionate repercussions, the city hall had lost the deed and all of its copies. While the cause was corrected with the swift laying-off and replacement of all involved clerks, it was far too late to resolve the real issue. Small businessmen had already flocked like vultures to carrion, claiming the abandoned property for themselves.

As such, the city of Ettermire responded by claiming it for itself, and it was subsequently rented out to the ten earliest birds to have smelled the worm. Among them was the lucky envoy of a certain Seti Dylan; she quickly made her case to the city hall and, after a number of handshakes and curtseys, was granted rights to the building’s seventh floor. Within the span of a single day, she and her associates had fitted out the barren rooms with basic furnishing and various other living commodities. It was rather scarce and pitiful looking, in all honesty, but then again laboratories never really required any sort of plush accommodations.

The girl – for she looked no older than sixteen of age – had wandered close to the windows, peering into the stained glass with a most childish awe. The clouds were darker than they had ever been, their underside flashing as thunder roared amidst a rain of ropes. Figures scampered down below, unable to find refuge from the downpour; yet, the girl envied them. After twisting the locks above the frame, she forcefully lifted the window and brought down a mist that caked her with dust and paint chips. A breath of rain invaded the room, damp yet welcoming. She didn’t seem to mind the deafening roars. “Perfect, isn’t it?”

“Miss Sesthal, you have visitor.” Across the broken tiles stood a pudgy man with curly brown hair, holding a handkerchief to the bald pate of his rain-slicked head. “Unbidden, I presume. He says he was once a member of the House of Sora.”

“Ah! Unbidden indeed – but not unwelcome. Please, do let him in!” she asked in a cheerful tone, industriously dusting off her dress and straightening its folds. The round man nodded as he disappeared, only to return with the stranger in tow. “Mister Grimaldi, what a pleasant surprise! Come in, come in. Oh, and welcome to the headquarters of the House’s Lodge Vespera.”

[Zook Murnig]

Even in the misty rain, Ettermire was a marvel. The city of engineers and technological breakthrough was covered in dark clouds, darker still than the smoke that the factories spewed forth all day long. Caduceus had been spending a lot of time in the City of Dark Elves lately, mostly on business for the Order of the Golden Dawn. That mysterious organization, whose name, Stella Matutina, was whispered from the lips of its membership, had been formed by the magician and his associates after his departure from Sora.

Still, he held no hard feelings for the House. He even hoped for an alliance with Seti Dylan and his flock. So it was that he found himself rainsoaked and waiting in the lobby of the Qu'Ellarin building for Lillian Sesthal, the child prodigy of Lodge Vespera, to meet with him.

Finally, the black-haired wisp of a girl bid him to enter, and he did. The new headquarters for the Lodge was spartan and undistracting in every way.

"Miss Sesthal, I'm surprised you remember me. I was a member of the House for only a short while, and never did much for the organization," he explained. It was true enough. Part of the reason he left was because he felt guilty at having not acted upon any of the group's ideals. "At any rate, it is an honor to actually meet you." A faint smile touched the young man's lips as he extended a hand in greeting. "And please, call me Caduceus. Or whatever you like."

[Ataraxis]

“Why, mister Caduceus, of course I remember you,” Lillian drawled amusedly, lurching forward the slightest bit to stare into the taller man’s eyes from below, and her own seemed alit with a spectral blue. “I remember everyone.”

With a graceful twirl she broke away, laughing lightly as she respectfully gestured for the wizard to follow. The heels of her boots crushed the stained shards underfoot, and she had to kick away a plank of wood to avoid tripping. “I apologize for the state of our venue, but it’s been in disrepair for years. The late owner never really cared to refurbish his investments – the gods have his soul. Still, wouldn’t you say this has a cozy feel? That it’s a bit, um, adventurous?”

The teenager was positively giddy with her current situation. This place belonged to her and her associates, but it was her very own project, and perhaps it would even become her home. The notion warmed her heart, as though it had only been waiting for those words to begin its thaw. “Oh I’m sorry, this is all very new to me; I can’t help but be a bit excited.”

They had turned right at the derelict window and had walked into a smaller room, furnished with a rather stylish oaken desk. Unfortunately, rather than an equally luxurious divan, they had resorted to the use of iron stools. Rather than a candle’s light, however, was that of a strange device of polished steel that rose up in a helix. At its end hung a disk that cast a rather intense light onto the various reams of paper spread over the desk.

“Please, take a seat!” As the man obliged, so had she. Instead of sitting behind the desk, she had chosen the stool right next to his own. “Now, mister Caduceus: what do I owe the pleasure of this reunion, might I ask? You might claim a lack of activity in the House, but I can see that you’ve found compensation elsewhere.” There was no judgment in her tone, only genuine mirth for the man’s success. That, and an undying curiosity.

[Zook Murnig]

As he seated himself on the wobbling and over-heavy stool, the young girl gushed her excitement and asked of his doings of late, as well as the reason for his visit. Bright light illuminated what appeared to be plans for some sort of construction, though the magician took only a moment to glance over them before answering her inquiry.

"Indeed, I have been busy since my departure," he began. "Several acquaintances and I met in Dheathain for...an adventure of sorts, seeking an ancient relic. In the end, we found ourselves up against a band of ne'erdowells hoping to seize the artifact and use it for their own personal gain.

"After our narrow success against the brigands, we agreed that there were many great and terrible things in Althanas that needed to be safeguarded against those who would abuse their power. We formed a small group of our own for that purpose, the Order of the Golden Dawn." He paused, watching the supposed genius carefully for any reaction to his tale. "Perhaps you have heard of us?"

[Ataraxis]

As the wizard weaved his careful tale, Lillian simply nodded along, showing awe where awe was due. It was none too hard, as the tale truly did pique her interest. He was, after all, speaking of the Omeldi Crystal, that ancient artifact that granted certain powers over the primal elements. Countless myths and textbooks told of it and its alleged whereabouts, but the girl had always been too busy with other excavations, back in Dheathain.

When he’d spoken the name of the organization, however, she replaced the naiveté of her expression with a sharp, knowing smile. Before speaking, she slightly shifted on the stool, straightening herself first, then placing both hands upon her joint knees. “Well, well! I cannot say the name doesn’t ring a bell – to think that you are the man behind it!”

“I’ve only heard a bit about your group, as it seems to be fairly new. I’m admittedly shamed by my lack of knowledge on this subject.” Embarrassment laced her words, and she lowered her eyes in a hangdog look. A moment later however, as though driven by a tangential thought, she jerked her head up and clasped her hands together.

“But ah, I just remembered! How fares the Order’s search for Damon Kaosi? Oh, and how is dear Dagon doing?” She could barely repress a chuckle. She didn’t mean to fool the man out of malevolence, but his own desire for secrecy had made it all too tempting: and this time, it was her turn to gauge the man’s reaction.

[Zook Murnig]

"My, you are a well-informed young woman!" He resisted the urge to call her a 'little girl.' It was becoming an easier task by the second, however, as he never expected to hear that she knew of Dagon Dessalines. And even more startling was her knowledge of their search for Kaosi. "Dagon was well, when last I saw him, and fully enjoying the damp clime of Dheathain," he went on in an uneasy tone, carefully dodging the topic of the lost bard and his Slayer's Songbook.

Taking a deep breath, he regained his composure and called upon the steadiness of the earth, seven stories below. When the solidifying element had filled him, he took control once more, guiding the conversation to his intent there.

"I have come seeking an alliance," Caduceus said, his voice steadier and calmer, smooth like polished obsidian. "The Order, and I, recognize that the House of Sora has similar aims to our own, though different methods. Were circumstances different, we may have eventually become rivals. But I am a member of our leadership, and a powerful voice in the Golden Dawn. On my own orders, as it were, I come as an emissary of peace. And I offer to you our assistance and aid in your endeavors, especially those of research.

"We have come into possession of several artifacts of past ages, and are seeking still more. I believe, if things have not changed since I left, that Vespera is a haven for scientists and engineers, as well as those studying the occult arts. Perhaps we could loan you and your people the use of our relics, under the watchful eye of Order members, for your experimentation and study?"

The magician leaned forward, his eyebrow arched as he waited for the girl's response, eager to hear her offer, should she accept his.

[Ataraxis]

Thrice did she blink. Upon reopening her eyes a third time, their gleam of innocence had all but drained away. They were as depthless ice, but were infinitely warmer than the dark hollows now fixed on Caduceus. When she spoke, the change was made all the more clearer. “Dear, you make it sound as if my refusal would make us enemies.” The ensuing chuckle, though similar to those that preceded it, held something much heavier. “You almost had me convinced that this was a threat.” She let the words linger in silence.

Lillian blinked once more, and the frozen veil had lifted. “But you propose such wonderful ideas, and I can only imagine what intellectual riches you’ve uncovered since. I’d be a fool not to recognize the value of your helping hand. ” She closed her eyes and crossed her arms, seeming to mull over what she had just been told. Her eyes flickered open, and for a moment it seemed that the vicious frost had returned. She smirked. “Yes, I’d be a fool indeed.”

“In exchange for the loans, I would be happy to provide you with information on our current researches. Perhaps even working prototypes of our synergic combinations of magic and technology?” Before she could continue, she was sent tumbling over the stool as something detonated in the contiguous room. She scrambled to a stand and went for the knob, alarm written across her face as waves of smoke traveled beneath the door.

It opened from the other side. From the cloud of black and, strangely, green fumes emerged a tall man, gaunt both in build and features. Dark bags sagged under the sedate green of his eyes, testimony of multiple nights spent in forceful wakefulness. “Apologies, madame.”

“Pascal, we have a guest, and you are only furthering the stereotype...”

“I believe not, madame. The explosion was a desired result.” Pascal nodded appreciatively, readjusting his flannel bowtie. “Highly conclusive of the reactivity of Osmium powder and Coinin crystal shards when exposed to an aqueous milieu: a huge success.”

“Ah. Well, then… carry on.” The man deferentially bowed, and returned to his quarters, closing the door behind him. Lillian tried to blow the smoke away with an arm, but quickly gave up. “Naturally, we will avoid letting you handle alone our more… volatile innovations.”

[Zook Murnig]

"Naturally," coughed the magician, covering his mouth to keep from breathing in any more of the noxious, choking smoke. What am I getting myself into? he wondered. These people are insane! Explosions, "huge success!"

Caduceus called upon the air then, summoning a weak swirl of wind around him to clear the haze. "Shaddai El Chai," he intoned softly. "I can only hope your other 'synergies' are less violently destructive than what your friend has concocted... Perhaps my associate, Lasair, could be persuaded to work with you. Beyond that, I'm intrigued by your work." He looked over at the desk once more, examining the schematics that lay there. "Might I be of some assistance now? With one of your other projects, such as this one?"

He looked up, into the clear, eerily glowing blue eyes of the girl. A glint of light seemed to sparkle and disappear as soon as he took note of it. Truly an airy spirit. Reasoning and unpredictable, and fully under her own control.

[Ataraxis]

“How nice of you to offer!” Lillian had hurried to stand by the magician’s side, standing on her tiptoes for a better view of the blueprints he was holding. “Ah, yes, that would be the plans for our space capacitor. Basically, we’ll need it to power a larger piece of machinery that will generate a field that could contain much more than its measured dimensions could allow.” The teenager smiled, hands clasped behind her back as she eyed the man with a quizzical stare. “Would you be so inclined to share your insights on the matter of dimensional magic and mechanics with me? The help would be much appreciated.”

“I know little of that, actually,” he said with a sigh of regret. “My focus has, as yet, been on the elements and perceptive magic.”

“You don't say? Well, we do have projects related to the improvement of the Aeromancer Tower systems,” she said, rummaging on her desk for a second before handing Caduceus the right pile of schematics. “So your input on the increasing the energy yield necessary for influencing the weather without sacrificing too great a measure of control would significantly help us. We’ve hit a snag, and unfortunately cannot figure out how to stop the clouds from raining ice picks in our projections.”

“Oh, and we’re also working on a water cannon! I especially like this project, since it’d give something that children may play with during hot summer days.” Something like nostalgia played on her face; the girl was, after all, native to the blazing deserts of Fallien, where heat and dust could acculate one far too easily. “If you could help us figure out a way to stop it from shooting highly-pressurized water… Ah, but I digress. This might be best suited for another time, perhaps!”

“As for now, I may have something for you... a gift to seal this alliance, if you will.” She relieved him of the various plans and set them on the mess of her desk. She walked round it and bent forward, reaching for a box upon which she usually set her feet. With one yank, she brought it to slam on the oakwood, then opened it to reveal a pile of dark yet glittering cloths, some raw, others fully-tailored into various vestments.

She looked through it and removed a sleeveless, buttoned vest, then handed it to the magician. “Spidersilk made as strong as Dehlar, yet losing none of its lightness and flexibility - of my own make.” The girl looked eager for him to take it, giddy as she was. “It's yours!”

PG Spoils: The 7th Floor of the Qu'Ellarin Building is now the official location of the Lodge Vespera headquarters. Note, it is not an HQ, just a place where LV business can happen.

The Lodge Vespera Geek Squad: a team of six scientists/magicians that help Lillian in her researches.

Obligatory Spoils: As stated in my profile (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=11310), under the Seamstress of the Sinister Sub-Skill to the White Widow Skill, she should gain enough to weave the equivalent in spools of two jackets or four shirts of near-Dehlar strength spidersilk. However, I would like to reduce that number to the equivalent of two shirts, half of which is given to Zook Murnig under the form of a sleeveless vest. As such, Lillian only keeps enough to weave one shirt.

[Zook Murnig]

"Yes, perhaps another time." The girl had so many ideas and plans, and the magician had smiled through every one of them. Such great aspirations. Such idealism, he thought. The world needs more of that.

And then she presented him with a gift. As he ran his fingers over the vest, he felt their softness. Something tugged at him, urging him to test its strength. Perhaps it was the way Lillian beamed proudly at the garment, or perhaps divine inspiration. Picking up a small knife off the table, one designed for opening letters, the young man dragged the blade across its surface, only to find the vest unmarred.

"Strong as dehlar," the prodigy chirped happily.

Looking up, Caduceus' expression was one of pure gratitude, with mingled embarrassment. "And I have nothing to give you in return..."

"You've already offered the alliance. It's the least I can do! And if you really do feel that badly about it, then you can think of something for our next meeting."

"Indeed!" he exclaimed, his demeanor brightening at the possibilities. "When we meet next, I won't be empty-handed!" At that, he remembered to give the young miss a way to reach him. "You may find some difficulty in contacting me," he said as he reached for a pen and parchment. He scribbled nearly illegibly on the scrap, handing it to her as he stood. "If you need to speak with me, or set up a meeting, Chic Cicero of Hearthwood will know how to reach me. This is where he lives."

Clutching the vest to his chest, the magician walked over to the door. With the smooth handle in his grasp, he turned back. "Think of all the things we'll learn," he said with a thoughtful smile.

Spoils: The vest given to Caduceus by Lillian Sesthal. It is soft as silk, and as light and flexible, though it carries the strength of dehlar in its threads.

I hope this will not detract from any small morsel of gold I would stand to receive. But if it must, so be it.

[Breaker]

For the People Who are Still Alive
Quest Judgement

STORY

Continuity ~ 6/10. You both introduced your characters fairly well, but I would've liked a little more depth from Zook in particular. This entire thread was about forging an alliance, and you barely tossed that into the first post. Also, if you're going to throw references in (Damon, Lasair, Dagon) providing a little backstory is appropriate. If I didn't already know who Damon and Lasair are those would have thrown me off, and the mention of Dagon did confuse me.

Setting ~ 5/10. Ataraxis very quite well here, keeping the setting present and interacting with it. Zook, I feel like you dropped the ball a little bit. Just because your partner gives an excellent description of the setting doesn't mean you should just cruise through the picture he painted. I noticed very little attention to detail on your part, particularly with the senses other than sight, and especially in your more dialogue heavy posts.

Pacing ~ 5/10. The sequence of events was more or less logical, with one thing leading to the next and all that, but guys, it was boring. There was no narrative hook; the only thing that would have kept me reading (as a casual reader, not a judge) was Atar's great opening description. There was no conflict, other than a few wayward thoughts for each of you. I give you a 5 here because the pacing of this thread was average as possible.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 7/10. The dialogue, in and of itself, was good. Two well spoken intelligent characters interacting, and in fact, the dialogue told a lot of the story. But Zook, at times you forgot about tone and body language, the mortar that binds the bricks of conversation together. I didn't dock you here for that, though, because it seemed like more of a crime against the next two categories.

Action ~ 4/10. To repeat myself, absolutely no conflict. I'm not saying every thread needs an epic battle, or any kind of combat, but there were no hugely defining actions here. Ataraxis did exceptionally well with the casual every day actions, but the thread was so incredibly short there wasn't even any room for much to happen. Zook, look at post #4. You reiterated Atar's action, mentioned the setting a little, then had two paragraphs of dialogue. To be perfectly honest, I can't think of any reason not to have included some actions in there. Anything from Cad accidentally lighting his hair on fire to a few simple gestures would have really made him less of a talking head.

Persona ~ 5/10. It took me a really long time to decide on a score for this category. There were definitely solid element to both your persona work, but in certain places the characters seemed a little... gimmicky, I suppose. Atar, Lillian does some very random things, and in everything I've read from you before it always made perfect sense, but here it felt like you were just going through the motions. Zook, too much of Cad's emotions seemed unjustified. Like when he called on the earth to steady him, I just kind of stopped and went "...why?"

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 6/10. You both did some excellent work with literary devices, but then there were posts that had none or almost none. Also, you really could have fleshed out the plot more by adding some foreshadowing. Then again, since there was no conflict, what could you have foreshadowed?

Mechanics ~ 8/10. I didn't notice many errors, mostly small things. Good job.

Clarity ~ 7/10.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 5/10. Many aspects of this thread seemed lazy and effortless, and you really scraped the bottom of the barrel on the minimum length.

TOTAL ~ 58/100. - I fully support doing writing exercises like this, but I'm not sure you approached this in the right spirit. The rather significant spoils you both asked for and the fact that this thread worked out to 10 posts exactly makes me question the integrity of the exercise.

EXP Rewards

Ataraxis receives 1400 EXP
Zook Murnig receives 700 EXP

Spoils:
As I mentioned before, I think you guys went a little overboard with the spoils, which is why I witheld your GP.

The House of Sora gains the 7th floor of the Qu'Ellarin building. I don't think I need to mention that it's just an IC location, and you can't sell it or anything like that, only RP there. The House of Sora does not gain the Geek Squad, however. I'm sorry, but if you want a group of highly useful NPCs you're going to have to put a little more than five posts into gaining them.

Ataraxis gains his obligatory spoils.

Caduceus gains the vest given by Lillian. However, open donning the garment he will find that the bottom hem barely falls to his belly button. That is why you should always use the fitting room before leaving the store.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!