View Full Version : The Dangerous Hunt
((closed to Li'olf, Scout and Descient))
Intro:
Off the coast far from any human contact lies a decaying, old wooden mansion the mansion lies on the cliff side, long since abandoned by its Lord. Over years erosion has reduced cliff side and the mansion is hanging off the edge. Only few wooden struts hold up this once proud mansion but even now the struts are starting to fall apart along with the mansion. Inside the house they is plenty of rooms and space but most of rooms have decayed and one wrong move could cause the struts to break and cause the mansion collapse into the sea. The main hall once full of colour and life is now dark and lifeless, the hall is now full of dust and cobwebs the few smashed windows are the only source of light. Fallen beams from the ceilings have blocked most routes and rooms from access, within the many walls lies secret doors which are just big enough for humans. These hidden passageways were once used to help people escape fires or any other dangers. There is a heavy storm outside the mansion the wind and rain are banging against the old mansion and its wooden struts it won’t last much longer in this weather.
Here, a hunter tracks down an almost mythical beast, he believes he had finally found it while the creature itself tries to escape, but it is unknown weither the beast is aware it has been discovered. Yet, there are two others in the area, who may get caught up in the crossfire, or join in.
The horrific weather had forced Li'olf to retrete into the old decaying building, the smell was even worse with his sensitive senses and his fur was wet and heavy. Shakeing violently to release the water from his fur his body smashed into the tight walls. his huge body made it dificult to menouver through. If it wasnt a mansion it would have been impossible.
He knew there had to be more room somewhere than in the tiny corridors, He was there for a good hour before he stood on a feeble floor that collapsed under his weight. Shakeing his head from the fall he slowly opened his eyes to see the dust settle and many insects scatter from the damp weak wood.
He found himself in a huge room, just what he was looking for, though the cealing had collapsed in some places leaving mounds of wood and rubble it was dry and big.
There were sounds thought the house, insects working away to survive and the dimmed sound of a rageing storm.
Letting out a roar that echoed thoughout, Li'olf lay down his head and closed his eyes to rest.
Believing that he was being followed through the forrest he quickly started to run, the heavy rain beating against his clothes and the wind trying to push him back at every oppertunity. He needed to find somewhere to rest and fast.
He found himself running towards a wall of foliage and fallen branches, he couldnt stop and tripped over a root that was sticking out of the ground, he crashed through the leaves and brances and slid on the wet mud. He stubmled as he got up and looked arround. He jumped back as he realised he was on the edge of a cliff, if he has slid just a few meters more then he would have plummited into the sea below. Looking arround he noticed a mansion haning off the edge of the cliff, it looked poorly supported but would provide him with tempory shelter from the storm.
He walked in and noticed a rather large crack in the wall next to him as he started to walk through the tight corridors. He came across a t junction, on way contuinued onand another lead to a corridor with a giant hole in the floor, deciding against going that way he continued on. Walking arround for about half an hour he dried off a little before comming across a small passage way, it was only wide enough for him to travel down sideways but he could see a large room at the end. Taking his quiver off and holding it at his side he walked towards to passageway. He side stepped through and entered the room. It looked asif the only way in was the way that he traveled, seeing a table he bloked the way and rested in the room for a long time while hes clothes dried and he got a well deserved sleep.
Descient
05-13-08, 10:09 AM
The storm had begun to hit down hard, below him the mud path had quickly turned into a mushy, slippery stream that trailed backwards into the forest. Descient sat, sprawled out along a branch of the tree, protected from the main haul of rain by the roof of leaves over him. Yet the odd drop snuck through and ran down his tough, hard leather like skin. Descient relished the rain, as the cold hardly affected his temperature unless he was hot, which was precisely why he hated the sun. The only way for him to stay cool was either panting or getting into a cooler atmosphere such as water, so seeing the rain as a friendly he lay still staring up through the canopy at the cloudy stormy sky.
Lightening lit up the various dark parts of Descient’s surroundings, and his large cat like appearance created a fearsome shadow on the ground below the tree, especially his large teeth which hung low past his jaw. Yet, as the storm raged on he remained unnoticed in the dark tree tops and let out an uncontrollable purr with his good mood. A loud roar of thunder echoed through the sky and the lightening struck down with a big flash into a small but tall standing metal pole. The sparks lit up an old and crooked mansion towards the cliff edges. It had been there for some time, but left alone accept for a few small uninteresting animals, so Descient cared little for this structure and preferred the trees.
Then as the sparks died down, a small, shadowy figure of a man wandered desperately towards the mansion. Descient couldn’t quite make out whom or what it was exactly, even with his eye site, and he stared carefully as the dark shadow of the night engulfed him from view. Descient’s interest rose slightly as a second strike struck the mansion and allowed him another view, but the figure was gone, and most likely into the mansion. It seemed like a easy meal, a cold wet stormy night, alone searching for a dry spot from the rain and no real populated space for miles. This was an opportunity that Descient decided he would take for an easy, late dinner.
Cable and Strider stumbled through dark woods, the rain poured onto their clothing. The owls and other nocturnal animals squawking in the shadows Cable and Strider were drenched to bone the water dripping from their faces. The ground was now muddy and full of fallen leafs and other things that Cable didn't want to know, the two hunters tried to walk through the cesspool of soil and water.
I hate the rain, mud and I hate being wet thought Cable
The two hunters started to quicken their pace to find shelter and dry out suddenly Strider noticed and pointed at some footprints in the mud.
“Cable, it seems there is somebody is also hunting this rare creature” said Strider but Cable just blanked him and taking little interest in the footprints and they carried on jogging through the mud. Eventually Cable and Strider reached an opening. The ground was soggy and wet, most the of the mud had covered up the grass.
Cable spotted an old, decayed mansion the building was in such a bad shape Cable knew that it would not last much longer in the storm. The two hunters walk steadily towards this wore down building, as two entered the building Strider stopped.
“I can sense evil near by” Strider said, he tried his best to warn his brother but yet again Cable was taken little interest, he just wanted to get out of the rain. The hunters entered through a large wooden door, the door was shaped as a archway. Cable and Strider entered a dark hall, the lighting outside was creating the light and shadows inside the mansion, there was dust and cobwebs covering every corner and archway. Some of the doors was wore and fallen apart.
“Well this is homely, from the cold, wet rain weather outside to freezing air in here, this is great” Cable said in despair. The hunters took time to have a look around.
Eventually they came across a quiet large room with long dinning table, "This a perfect place for us to rest and dry off our clothes" said Strider, the hunters took a quick look around. They couldn't find any food so decided to put their equipment on the table and dry themselves off
and they entered the dinning room and decided to take refuge and dry themselves off.
Letting out a low growl Li'olf could hear a strange noise coming from a room not to far away. His ears twitched as he slowly got onto his feet and prowled forward, closer to the source. Though the smell was unbearable there was the feint smell of food and humans through the stench.
His growl became louder but still not by too much. The floor boards creaked under him but they were creaking anyway throughout the mansion. Quietly looking for a view into the kitchen. The only entrance near him was a big, old wooden door with rusted hinges covered in cobwebs.
Open slightly Li'olf's bright blue eyes gazed through the door to see the wall cracked and broken. A grin came to his face and his eyes flared white for a moment, Prowling onward through the corridor, his dark shadow could be seen through door strolling past.
Turns and twists down corridors lead Li'olf nowhere that he expected, he found himself at the bottom of a staircase confused, without his sense of smell, that was being overpowered by the rotten smell of erosion, he was useless at navigating.
Once again growling louder in annoyance.
Hearing a strange loud growl over the never-ending creaking of the mansion made Grok rise up and come to alert, he wasn't asleep anyway as the loud thunder was keeping him awake. Looking around he couldnt see anything in the room he was in, but then he heard it again. He could feel that his clothes were still wet and he was still still slightly aching from the fall outside the mansion, he decided against going out and investigating.
He had a better idea, he removed his jacket and vest and summoned Kiro. "let me guess, you want me to go and investigate the loud growling?"
"How did you know?" Grok was forgetting that Kiro can hear his thoughts and everything that he hears.
"never mind, I'll go, but only because i need to stretch, beeing stuck inside your body isnt exactly roomy"
Grok nodded and moved towards the table that was blocking the way, he placed his hands on each side then paused, "how are you going to fit? I mean i can only fit through that gap sideways..."
"great... that means ill have to teach you something new" Kiro sighed and began to explain that when he is summoned, Grok can project the summon small distances as if kiro was leaping from him.
They decided to try it, Grok returned Kiro and moved the table out of the way, staring down the narrow corridor he paused, and then began to summon Kiro again. He lunged forward as Kiro emmerged as a big blue ball, he flew down the passage and began to form half way down, he reached the end and was fully formed but as he left the passage he scraped his leg off the wall. "Are you alright?!" Grok shouted, Kiro turned and nodded.
"Remember, you've got 2 minutes to find out what you can...... good luck" Kiro nodded again and sprinted off before slowing down slighly due to his leg. Grok returned the table to its position and put his clothes back on, he sat back down. All he could do was wait for the 2 minutes to be up, then he could resummon Kiro a few minutes after and find out what is out there.
Cable leaped from his wore down chair to sound of floors creaking, he looked around to pinpoint the source of the sound. Cable walked to towards the broken door to hopefully discover his prey. Peeked around the wooden burnt door he slowly moved the door and entered another room, the hinges creaked a little as he entered. The walls were covered with cracks and holes, and Cable spotted some bugs crawling up the walls to ceiling, Strider followed his brother and had good look around to find broken boxes and cabinets covered in dust.
“What is wrong Cable? How you found something?” Strider asked Cable.
Where are you filthy animal? Show yourself and face meCable thought, he grabbed the handle of his sword and bracing himself for battle but yet again nothing Cable was disappointed, he got all psyched up for nothing. Strider started to look around and find anything that was useful.
“We should leave, we not alone here I still feel the presence of something evil, I feel it is watching our every move” said Strider but Cable wasn’t listen to his brother’s advice on leaving.
“I don’t care if more come, let them I will send to them early graves and I am not leaving until I have claimed my prize” said Cable as he was psyching himself for fight. The hunters left the room through a door on the right and headed down dark hallway, which was covered in pictures of some family. Cable and Strider continued down hallway, the old wooden floor creaked with enough sound to wake the dead and Cable noticed a small shadow down the hall.
He whispered to his brother that there is something up ahead. Cable slowly drew his steel broadsword from its sheath and Strider grabbed the handle of his Ninja Blade sword and they slowly marched forwards with his sword and they got ready for combat.
Descient
05-16-08, 03:34 AM
Descient dropped from the high tree branches and landed gracefully, making little more than a slight splash in the stream below that was once a path. The stream of water running through Descient’s toes was cold and felt somewhat soothing as he prowled down the hill. It didn’t take long to get completely soaked and Descient’s movement quickly increased as he approached the large mansion. Taking care to avoid the open areas, so as to avoid any lightening, which was striking like no tomorrow, Descient dashed along the bushes and trees edge before stopping as he faced the large front door.
It was big, even to Descient’s size, and it stood under a large archway, which over hung creating a small porch way to stand under from the rain. Descient paused for a moment, staring at the entrance, and then deciding quickly that there wasn’t any smart reason for using the front door, considering he was supposed to be hunting, it wouldn’t be very stealthy to enter via the front door. Moving along the side of the building, the waves crashing against the cliff edge were sending a spray of sea water over the top of the mansion and creating a type of mist that masked Descient’s appearance from any one who may have been peering out through the windows, Descient wasn’t aware of this and so kept low as he wandered along the building and watched the windows for any inner movement.
There must be another entrance to this place somewhere…Descient searched the up and down the side of the mansion walls, the various holes were often too small to fit through, and the few that were large enough were two floors up. Descient decided to note down the entrance in his head and carry on to ensure he didn’t miss an easier, stealthier way in.
Standing at the base of a long curved staircase, Li'olf Stood listening to the now obvious movement of others, his sensitive hearing wasn't as helpful as his knows but it would do. As he focused everything became much louder, The constant drip of a stable leak, the wind causing doors to swing open and closed, the floorboards creaking and the small animals rushing about sustaining there own life. Scanning the room with his eyes, a mist came from behind the stairs, a fresh breeze blew in and ran through his fur. Walking around to get a better look he saw a door almost as big as the front door.
He was rather surprised at himself, he had already traveled the length of the building seeing as he entered the front door closer to the right. He began to skulk towards the open wall, cooling himself down. He couldn't help but notice the insects flying in to avoid the heavy storm, some even landed on him but a growl and a firm shake soon sorted that problem.
He began to stare at a colony of ants trail from the entrance to a hole on the inner wall.such small, simple creatures could cover such a huge area in a small amount of time. Gazing around the room his eyes began to glow a pure white. The room fell silent. All of the insects and other creatures around the area that looked in his eyes stopped what they were doing and stood still as the drip still beat in time. Such weak minded creatures were easy for him to control, even in such vast quantities.
'Go, find any life and do what you can to stop it!' he ordered in his mind, his ability to translate his thoughts into any form meant his new vast miniature army would follow with no confusion or conflict. The room suddenly burst with life again as the small insects and occasional rat ran off to scour the house for anyone but there new master. Li'olfs eyes remain lit as he kept an open connection at all times to each individual. In his mind the layout of the building was being painted, slowly but surely he would learn every little crack.
Letting out a satisfied purr at his brilliance Li'olf lay down in front of the cool sea air and watched the rain fall with glowing eyes.
He awoke suddenly, he didnt know how long he had been asleep for, or what had happened. "woah, i must have blacked out or something." He said as he scrabled to his feet, looking arround the room he couldnt see much, the table was still in place and there was the odd insect crawling arround the room. The only light source was the small crack in the roof and a large hole in the corner of the room that lead to the outside, this made it possible for the faint moonlight and the lightning to iluminate the room.
"ahh your awake" Kiros voice echoed in his head as if he was badly hungover, "do you know how long its been?"
"no i dont, i dont even know what happened, did i pass out?" forgeting that Kiro could hear his thoughts, Grok was speaking out loud. The insects seemed to stop, as though they were listening. He thought nothing of it.
"you passed out when i dispursed and re-entered your body, its been so long since the last time it happened that your body is used to it."
"right, i see" He stretched his arms and legs and started to pace the room. "So... what did you find out?"
"we are not alone, that is all i can be certain of, and you cant hide in here forever. Grab your things, its time for you to start hunting again."
He grabed his bow and quiver and held them at his side, stretching his neck muscles as he walked forwards to wards the table, he dropped them again, he forgot that he needed two hands to move the table. He grabbed two edges and began to move the table aside, it caught on one of the floorboards and began to rise, before he noticed the table was too tilted and began to fall. He couldn't stop it as it crashed into the floor crushing 3 beetles and a small spider as it landed, it wasnt that heavy so luckily it didnt go through the floor, but it made a hell of a bang. "well, they know im here now" he grabbed his quiver and bow and sidestepped down the passage way, to find what ever was in the house with him.
Cable and Strider walked slowly towards the shadow, with their blades tightly gripped in their hands they both traversed the hallway to the end to discover what was creating the shadow.
"On three we leap out ok" said Cable.
As the two hunters prepared for combat they walked carefully towards the corner of the hallway, Cable psyched himself for a battle.
"THREE" Cable shouted, the hunters rushed towards shadow and launched their attack. Cable swung his sword towards the shadow, letting out a loud battle cry and launched his weapon against object which was producing the shadow. Unfortunately, this turned out to be a statue and Cable sliced it in two before realizing.
"GOD DAMMIT, this is really bugging me" says Cable in upset voice, but by the time Cable said this he spotted some bugs traversing across the floor.
"Cable look those bugs, they seem to be very packed together as if they working for a cause seems like mind control, the Telnar perhaps? Lets follow them" said Strider.
So the hunters decide to follow where the stream of bugs was coming from, hoping that they would be coming from their prey.
Eyes still glowing brightly and open Li'olf stood up slowly and stretched, taking his time. He already knew were everyone was taking his time to move to a room that the hunters would have to pass through to reach where he was, an opportune place to strike.
The rooms curtains had been closed but a cool breeze came in. It had a 4 poster bed and was too dark to see more than a few feet in-front of our nose. Li'olf's eyes were the only thing that could be seen, his feline figure occasionally lit up by a flash of lightning through the window opposite the doorway.
Growling slowly he got ready to pounce, clawing at the floor and getting a good grip.
((minor bunnying approved for story purposes))
After discoving the identity of the shadow the two hunters carried onwards down the hallway, they continued to follow the bugs trail down another hallway. The lightning storm illuminated the hallway, Cable and his brother walked through another hallway full of rooms.
This storm this getting worse Cable thought as they traversed the empty corridor, they peeked through each hollow room hoping to discover their prey.
Before reaching the end of the corridor the line of wandering bugs that Cable was crushing with delight under his feet, was disapating into nothing, leaving a section of rooms to investigate. Picking a door Cable peeked into another room, the lighting struck and illuminated the room as he slowly entered and in the centre of the Cable spotted something. He saw shadowly figure laying on the floor, he slowly drew his sword but it was too late the creature was preparing to launch itself towards Cable.
(minor bunny to avoid 1 liner, pre-arranged, kind of.)
Leaping violently at full force Li'olf threw himself at the intruders. With cable shifting as he drew his sword Li'olf didn't hit him as he wanted one paw his the sword stopping his claws from digging in and the other missed completely but the worse was enough to push him to the wall just beside a window.
'Damn humans' Li'olf thought to himself as he shifter back from his fumbled but intended prey looking to the direction the first had come from Li'olf looked with his eyes still glowing a bright white to see another ready to attack him. His damp heavy fur had made him slower than the thought.
His eyes flared up as he looked at the new opponent, jumped back and looked at his first target, his eyes flaring brighter than before. Letting out a huge roar as he created a false image to be sent to the mind of his 2 new targets only the weak willed would be fooled by it. A Fake image of a being akin to himself came from the around the corner the two had yet to turn running towards each of them...If they were weak minded enough to fall for it.
Li'olf took another hop back ready so they would have to come through the door, one at a time.
Descient
05-21-08, 10:21 AM
It was almost feeling tedious, the fact that such a degraded mansion seemed to have little in the way for broken outer walls. Descient, a such a large size and strength was being held by a wooden and plaster wall, all because he wanted his attendance to be unknown. Descient was quickly becoming agitated, and since he had little in the way of temperament control. Snarling and beginning to stamp his feet in annoyance he marched back the way he came, if it wasn’t for the storm he would have been telling the whole world where he was but full of ignorance he cared not.
Yet, still concentrating on the inside of the building he paused as he heard noises escaping from the inside. So sneaking up to the partially cracked window he peered through watching the curtains flap about from the gust that slipped through the hole of the broken glass. It was hard to see clearly through the rain droplets streaming down the windowpane along with the cracks and condensation that all blurred the vision to the darker inside room. But the sounds of feet and shifting bodies came loudly from the opposite side of the wall.
Descient could make out a murky shape of a large creature, it seemed similar in size to himself but appeared a lot lighter, looking like a large white beast with a big mane. But over the opposing side of the room, two fairly large size humans bearing weapons stepped inside and began shouting. Descient watched wondering if one of these men could have been who he saw entering the building, but it didn’t make a lot of sense for them to be walking alone since they were clearly working together. There must be more of them, maybe a group of hunters, and most importantly, were they here for just this beast or for anything they could capture.
Descient glared his teeth silently leaving only his eyes peering through the window to remain out of sight and remained still wondering if it would be worth jumping in as an act of self-preservation, as two fighters are better than one.
Cable could feel the something messing within his mind but Cable had some resistance to any mind tricks but he noticed his brother waving his Katana sword around.
What the hell are you doing? Cable thought but he knew that Strider was being influenced by the mind powers of the Telnar, Cable wasn't going to waste any time trying to make his brother come to his senses.
"Pretty good mind tricks monster but you will have to do better then that to beat me" said Cable in proud voice, the lightning storm continued to illuminate the corridor. Cable walked slowly towards the room where the beast was hiding, he prepared himself for combat but Cable had a feeling that he was walking into trap but he wasn't going to back down, so Cable grabbed the sword's handle and slowly entered the darkened room.
The sound of shouting echoed throughout the house, Grok stoped to listen and try to figure out where it was comming from. It sounded as if it was comming from every room arround him, surrounding him, a whole army hidden in the mansion each with about 2 men in each room, all shouting. Suddenly he heard something break, he focused on the sound, he could hear its echo comming from the floor below and realised that the mansions floors have large holes in them that the sound can easily travel through.
He came to the T-junction that he had found when he first entered the house, he decided to jump down the hole forgetting that the floors were very old and brittle. He landed in what appeared to be a Ballroom but before he could take another step the floor beneath him started to break, his leg fell through the floor, the rest of his body beginning to break the surrounding floor. He quickly pulled his leg back through and began to sprint for the door, the floor breaking with every step he took. He dived through the doorway and slammed into the wall, looking back into the room he saw that most of the floor had now dissapered. He looked down the huge hole that was now the room, he could see the ocean and the cliffs and also several wooden beams that were keeping the mansion from falling.
He started to navigate the other corridors, he found himself at the beggining of a long and narrow one, the sound of growling and voices were coming from a room about three quaters of the way down, he grabbed his bow and removed an arrow from his quiver, resting it in his bow with his hands ready to pull it back and fire, he set off down the corridor towards the room.
He approached the door, he could hear the voice of a man, it appeared as though he was having a conversation with someone, but no other voice was heard, the voice mentioned something about not falling for mind ticks. Intrigued, Grok leaned against the wall and peered around the door frame and looked into the room, grasping his bow tightly incase he needed it.
'Another damn human!' though Li'olf to himself, backing away further into the room. He knew there was someone else inside but didn't expect them to reach there so quickly, not only that but there was also another life form inside that was around the third human, but that had long since vanished. His growl became louder feeling like there was no point in hiding his presence anymore since everyone was there. Bearing his teeth Li'olf snapped his jaws multiple times in an attempt to intimidate his approaching opponent.
His gaze was fixed on the approaching human that he almost never noticed another creature peering through the window, He shifted his gaze to the stalker, though it was risky taking his eyes off of the one approaching, if he didn't find aid soon he would surely be killed, skinned and mounted above a fire somewhere, or even have a table resting on him as he stared blank faced open mouthed at a wall, Li'olf had seen the horrible things humans did to there prey, it sickened him, hunting should only be used to live, to feed, not for sport.
His eyes flared once more.
"I know you can hear me, I know you can understand, you are not like the true animals before me. help me rend there flesh and we will feast tonight out of the downpour." Li'olf asked asked the shadow through his mind. He needed no true response, his actions would speak for him. Breaking his light of sight Li'olf quickly bound to his loft, moving around his opponent at startling speeds before again lashing at him with his claws spread wide and leaping though the air.
Descient
06-02-08, 01:08 PM
Descient felt little for the situation at hand, he watched with delight as the scuffle was begining to break out. The armed men began to look almost pompous as they swung aimlesly about the room, but for all the effort he would of looked more dangerous with a daisy than a sword as he almost decapitated his fellow hunter. Then the man quickly calmed, and together they progressed forward towards the beast covering each others backs as they held their weapons high like a bunch of barbarians. Descient snickered through the nose leaving a breath of condensation against the window as he watched now amused at the ones attempting to kill the lone creature.
It didn't take long before a third man appeared behind the other two, he still remained leaning through the door and Descient began watching feeling eager to take a chance and take the third out while he thumbled behind them. Yet still unaware of the numbers within the building, he held his position feeling like it may of been wise to retreat to the forest and keep out of trouble. Descient had no reason other than an early meal to take advantage of the situation and not feeling like he wanted to risk a pointless death he almost turned away.
Then a voice just appeared in his head, A telepath... Descient knew straight away it wasn't someone talking, and since he had no reason to start becoming schizophrenic at this moment in time it was clear what it was. It was highly usual for a human to have any telepathic powers and while he was unaware of what creature it was in the room he could see its glowing eyes glance towards him at the moment of the speech.
Descient paused for a moment as the group broke the silence and began fighting again, the large white beast dashed across the room. It was time for a leap of faith and take a chance by hoping it was simply the three men on their own. Three on one would clearly see the end to the creature unless it was lucky enough to produce something special. Descient closed his eyes and crouched down low out of sight. Taking a deep breath he roared out at the top of his voice and then leapt through the window, the glass shattered and flew around Descients body as he careered towards the closest man to him. Descients muscular forearms were outstretched with claws released as they slashed inwards at the mans body.
Cable dodged the attack by a rolling to the right hand side, Cable was now kneeling on the floor with his sword tightly gripped in his right hand.
Cable knew that this powerful beast would show he no mercy so he had to fight with everything he had. Cable quickly got to his feet, he lifted his sword and pointed it at the Telnar.
Listen I am not going to waste time with you, at the end of this day one will stand and one will fall and isn’t going to be me you OVER SIZED FUR BALL and by the way when this is over 'YOU WILL' be mounted my wall shouted Cable, he immediately grabbed his sword with both hands, as the lightning storm continued the illuminate the room Cable ran out the Telnar with his massive broadsword, hoping he could end this with one quick strike.
Another beast had jumped through the window behind him, glass shattered and went every where. He dropped his arrow and covered his face to block the glass, some small fragments hit his leg but there wasnt enough force for them to piece the skin. As he looked arround the beast was now lunging an attack at him he darted to the other wall and pushed his body close to it. The beast landed down the corridor and turned to face him. He dive again and grabbed his arrow and took a shot, he didnt have time to aim so he missed, the arrow pierced through the wall.
He knew that he needed time to aim if he was going to be able to injure this creature, he turned and ran down the corridor trying to find a room that he could ready an arrow and be able to aim at it. Not knowing if the beast was following him, he looked left and, right trying to find a suitable room.
As the hunter gave his speach Li'olf's growl became louder and louder, his fur began to stand up on end and his eyes were still glowing furiously. 'Stupid human.' It thought to Cable who lunged at him with his heavy sword. Li'olf dashed to the side and stood still, he had seen many hunters in his time and usualy they attack to make you think there wide open but have a plan. the ruble of his growl became a low murmer.
His claws extended and dug into the weak wood floor and braced himself for another attack, with his eyes focused on Cable Li'olf doind see the wall to his right, if he jumped right again he would have nowhere to go.
Descient
08-25-08, 03:06 PM
The strange looking man with the bow dodged to one side of Desicents out stretched claws, making surprisingly good use of the small amount of room within the corridor. Descient snarled with disapointment at the fact his surprise attack had failed, though as the man dived about the floor like a frightened mouse it made Descient aware he had little to worry about. It was certainly amusing not having to try and avoid the pathetic attack from the mans bow and arrow, and now Descient could sense the fear inside of him as he managed to turn his scrambling motion into an dash, and ran back down the corridor.
The mans pace was certainly slow like an average human, but he smelt different. Descient could tell he was certainly more than an average meal for one, but hoped that he would taste better than he smelt, and looked. Another crash came from the room behind him as the feast began to kick off between the other creature and his foe. Yet Descient paid little attention as his eyes locked onto the running feet of his first meal. Quickly, he moved into a quick pace, gaining ground on his much slower opponent as he foolishly ran down the straight corridor.
"You cannot out run me! GAAAAARRHHHH"
Descient pushed himself into a large stride as he caught up to his opponent and reached out slashing at his preys legs in an attempt to bring his movement to a stop. If his opponent was this pathetic then he was going to end this quickly.
After Cable's disppointing attack he turned to face the beast
This may be more difficult then I thought
He knew that he would have to be tactical about this, so Cable spent a moment to think how he should deal with this monster suddenly Strider comes into the room.
"I thought that you may need my help brother" said Strider as he pulled out his sword from its sheath, Strider blocked the doorway so the creature couldn't escape.
Cable turned to looked at his brother
"I don't need your help Strider, watch this! I want to show you a new skill I have been dying to use" said Cable in proud and over-confident tone.
Cable grabbed his sword with his right hand and in his free left hand started to summon a spell, a fire started to glow within his fist, slowly getting brighter and brighter. Within a couple of seconds Cable was now holding a burning fireball in his hand and without warning he launched his attack at Telnar.
"HAND OF PYRO" he shouted and moments after he discharged his attack the fireball that Cable threw split into to three other fireballs and they were heading directly towards the beast.
Li'olf's eyes flared and lost their glow, while the humans were talking he had looked around for an escape, a closed window that led to the sea and a doorway behind him now with something in the way. Well he wasn't going to stay here to find out what was about to happen.
He still had a complete layout of the place in his head but it was quickly fading, he needed to concentrate on now, nothing else really mattered. At least the third approaching had ran off, he never intended to be followed in somewhere he could hardly move. Digging his claws into the floor Li'olf continued to examine the room, there was no other way he could leave and survive, it would have to be the door.
He knew that the one that would be in his way could be controlled. Glancing at him his eyes flared into a glow once more, completely focusing on him, if it worked, he would not appear to move from this spot, but he had no time to see if it worked.
Before the energy even split, Li'olf had leapt to the other side of the room associated with the door, turned in the air, landing with the smallest of pauses leapt at the second opponent. As his fur stood on end and he sliced through the air he brought one paw back and as he went to strike a burning sensation in his back sent him spinning down, his snarl changed into a look of surprise. He fell tumbling to the ground but not short of his mark he was falling even faster now, with his claws still extended and spinning to make one glorious, constant strike.
Descient
09-22-08, 07:36 AM
((Scout has decided to quit his account and so has given me permission to kill him off. A bit quicker end than was planned but I’ll enjoy dong it anyway :D ))
His prey was foolish, appearing to spend more time thinking about escaping than actually doing it. Descient was simply too fast for him, swiping across his legs and tearing through his pants and deep into his legs. Each claw sliced right through the muscle leaving an array of cuts along the back of his legs. Quickly he became immobile and collapsed on the floor with a thump, the dust jumped into the air as he landed and his blood sprayed across the floor and the base of the walls. Descient could smell victory, the scent of his blood hung under Descient’s nose and he began to feel his mouth water with excitement.
He knew the end was close and watched for a moment as his prey tried to drag himself along the floor to safety. However, Descient wasn’t in the mood to play with his food and drove his teeth down deep into his leg. Forcefully he dragged him back ignoring all the screams and cries for mercy, he wasn’t interested in pity or being nice. The only thing he was listening to was his stomach as it growled with the temptation of enjoying a tasty meal.
Dropping his leg he pressed his paw into his back and sadistically dragged his claws down his back leaving him in agony as he tore into his live prey. The man unwillingly rolled over onto his back leaving himself finally open to a final kill. Descient obliged and wrapped his mouth around the mans throat, it was swift, the power of Descient’s jaw tore through his throat and crunched through the bone breaking his neck in one large bite. The blood flowed as the man quickly fell limp, he was simply no match for Descients size and strength. It fell silent in the corridor as only the echoes from the original room reached Descient’s ears. Deciding there was more food on offer Descient dragged the dead mans body by the neck into the nearest room, tasting only the meat in his mouth as he moved the body. He would hide his meal for now and return after he had secured yet another body for his dinner.
Strider stood completely still with his sword still in his hand, it seemed that he was under some sort spell from the beast Cable turned to his brother and shouted at him in angrily manner trying to make him come to his senses.
“STRIDER, MOVE!”
But it was too late the beast had come into contact and knocked Strider to the ground, as he fell Strider screeched out in pain. Now he was on the floor leaning against the wall, Strider’s chest was now bleeding and his armour was now sliced and handing off by a thread, he was unable to move or fight. Cable saw that he his brother was now incapable of fighting off the beast and also he knew that the beast was free to escape or devour his brother.
“That’s my brother you have just knocked over and you’re going to pay for that you miserable beast”, Cable was now enraged, he gripped his Broadsword’s handle Cable felt an overwhelming fury building upside of him. The lightning continued to illuminate the room and from the light that flashed through the window Cable’s shadow appeared behind him, he looked like a warrior ready to brave the battlefield, he was ready to end this hunt not only for himself but for his brother too.
As the beast lay on the ground, Cable thought it was the best time to strike, he raised his weapon and he swung his broadsword towards the creature's chest area. With its moment of incapacity he had to take the chance, probably the best chance he had.
Lying over Cable's brother, Li'olf looked at his quickly approaching attacker, panicking but at least he was on the other side of the door. His weight must have crippled the unfortunate soul his heavy mass had fallen on, slamming down with his full weight. Wriggling to stand up, knocking himself against the wall as he did, his claws slashing furiously as he tried to get a good footing. Li'olf steadied himself to see a blade flash in-front of his eyes as the pure raw energy of electricity ripped the sky apart outside.
Jumping forward and rushing down the corridor at the greatest speed his damaged body would allow, The only real damage was the blast in his back, his thick skin protected him from most of the force but being in the narrow corridors he had bashed the walls and his joints felt loose but he hurried along in any case taking any turn he could until falling over hitting the wooden floor face first. He needed to calm down, but the more things that went wrong, the worse he got.
He didn't know what had happened too the one he had landed on, he couldn't hear any screams of pain as the blade intended for him went through the stupid human, But he still wished it happened, he may get through this alive, he just hoped the other creature wasn't looking for Telnar dessert.
As Cable swung his sword downwards he had managed to just barely miss his brother, breathing a sigh of relief Strider tried to get back up, struggling to stand Cable knew that his brother was down and out, Cable walked over to his brother and kneed to inspect his injuries.
"I can longer continue this hunt brother, you need to chase down that beast, he couldn't have got far after you hit it with your fireball attack and it is making so much noise you should be able to hunt it with ease but I still feel that evil presence and it isn't far away," said Strider as laided on the floor badly injuryed.
Cable stood up and returned his sword its holster, he left the room and his wounded brother behind, he saw the beast desperately trying to escape. The creature was easy to follow because of the damaged walls caused by the creature's recklessness in its escape. Cable was gradually catching up to the creature, it was now or never and Cable leaped into the air and grabbed the tail to stop it from getting away. As Cable fell to the ground like a ton of bricks he pulled on the tail to stop the Telnar in a forceful attempt to drag it to the ground with him.
Descient
10-06-08, 02:14 PM
Descient moved quietly back towards the commotion. The corridors were still very dim and the musty smell caused by the damp decomposing building was getting stronger as the rain continued to pour outside. Descient walked around the dripping water from the old ceiling as he peered back into the corridor. The other creature seemed to stumble as it tried to escape, it looked distressed this time, much more than when Descient had heard its telepathic abilities.
The other creatures feelings were of little concern to Descient though, he was a hunter, and was still pushed into his decisions by his instinct at times. While being an intelligent species he couldn’t always control his primal urges, which wasn’t a bad thing as it has saved his life in the past. One of the men had chased the creature as it ran and was now hanging off its tail trying to hold it still, while Descients eyes locked in on a second target, the second man which appeared to be partially injured peeked around the corner from the original room they had started in.
Descient eyed up his second meal, licking his lips with temptation as his feet slowly shifted him down the corridor towards his target. The main commotion between the creature and its hunter was certainly masking Derscient’s approach but only as far as there own position. The corridor was the only way towards his prey and he quickly mastered his way forward and then leaping gracefully over the other two before shifting into a masterful sprint towards his next meal. Giving one large stride, he raised his left claw and dropped in towards the injured hunter.
Unlike the tail of most creatures, that of a Telnar was full of strong mucels as it was used as a weapon if attacked from behind like now. Li'olf quickly thrashed his tail around causeing the hunter to let go, standing back up again he quickly looked at the walls, there was no way he could turn around in this narrow corridor. his only choice was to continue, but with his injured leg the hunter could easily follow.
He had to do something otherwise he would be feeling cold steel soon, clawing at the floorboards the telnar dashed forward but soon slowed right down, it was too painful for him to continue, This was probably the end. He hadn't got far but was already starting to feel the strain.
Cable immediately stood up and drew his sword after being tossed aside by the beast’s tail he noticed the Telnar was trying to getting away but because of its injured leg it wasn’t getting too far.
This is it, the killer blow. Cable thought as ran after the creature.
It didn’t take too long for Cable to catch up to the creature, he was hoping to unleash a finishing blow and without a moment’s hesitation he swung his blade upwards so that it would come crashing down like the hand of god at the creature’s back . His blade cut right through the muscle of the beast, blood spat out onto both the blade and Cable’s clothes, he could hear the creature’s scream in pain it was like music to Cable’s ears. But suddenly another scream could be heard and it wasn’t the Telnars it came from back the corridor, from the room where Cable had left his brother. Now he had to make a hard decision kill the creature he has been hunting or save the only family he has. Cable pulled his sword back out of the creature’s back and ran back down the corridor.
“HOLD ON BROTHER” yelled Cable as he ran as fast as he could the blood from his sword dripping all over the floor, what horror could make his Cable’s brother scream out?
Descient
11-14-08, 05:54 AM
“HOLD ON BROTHER” A deep concerned voice called out. It was one of the previous men Desicent had seen before and he charged down the corridor back towards Descient as he knew his brothers life depended on it. Descient sniffed at the air as a cold breeze crept in through the window that he had smashed through earlier. The smell of dampness was powerful but with his strong nose Descient could smell the blood of the injured. He looked down at the helpless man that lay before him, already injured he was little of a threat anyway, but Descient clawed down the back of his leg like he did his first meal. The man wailed out again in pain, but Descient didn't have enough time to finish him off as the second man approached quickly.
Descient flared his teeth threateningly at the man who stared back up at him, he wasn't going anywhere and Descient confidently turned his back on him before leaving the room and leaving the man with little else to do but wait. Stepping out into the corridor Desicent had almost been too confident, he had little time to plan a strategy as the man approached quicker than he had anticipated. So it was time for his fearsome instinct to take over, and hastily Descient leant back onto his rear feet and then lept forward powerfully while releasing a frightening roar which litterally shook the walls of the aging corridor around them.
With his claws released Desicent spread out his fore arms as he moved right into the on coming hunter, his jaw wide open and teeth glaring down at his attacker. This time the hunters would realise they are really the hunted.
Cable saw the fierce darkling beast it ferociously launching itself towards him, with little time to react the hunter quickly performed forward roll in a desperate effort to escape the creature’s deadly claws. Cable rolled right underneath the creature it seemed that he had successfully dodged the attack but suddenly he felt a quick pain on his right shoulder the creature had seemed to have scratched him.
It is only a flesh wound Cable thought, he wasn’t interested in the creature the thing that he cared about right now was the safety of his brother so he got to his feet and headed to room where Strider. Cable saw his brother, he was in quite a bit of pain Cable looked upon the his injured brother’s leg and saw a scratch, “I see you can’t last two minutes without me” said Cable as he looked upon his brother with disappointment, Cable wrapped his arm around his brother and lifted him, he told Strider that the Lion beast has been dealt with and really can’t be bothered with his other creature. Cable dragged his brother out of the room their movement was very slow because Strider was limping. Cable knew that they had to get out as fast as they could before that other creature could attack.
Descient
11-18-08, 06:56 AM
Descient had leapt to high and given the nimble human enough space to drop down beneath him. His out stretched forearms slashed at the man but managed to only tear through the thin air, only a mere scratch from his rear feet as they passed the hunter. Descient landed hard, and dug his claws into the floor and walls beside him, he had intended to turn quickly, but as he turned his claws remained stuck through the boards. Descient stared at the floor in frustration and forcefully tore his feet away from the corridor as his prey attempted a slow get away.
The boards ripped up from the floor and the wall came apart equally as easy as the floor boards. It was a remainder that the building was not as strong as it used to be, and underneath the foundations were weak and the aching beams could be heard through the fresh holes Descient had created. However, Descient paid little attention to the new sounds and turned to the fleeing hunters. They had no where else to run, Descient stood strong behind blocking the only route to the front door, while there only escape now was the broken window to which Descient had entered.
It was still raining hard and the moist air still hung under Descients nose as the strongest smell throughout the house. Descient listened the broken shards of glass cracking under the feet of the hunters as he watched in no real rush to catch them. If they went to the outside, in the open space before the trees, it would be a mistake against Descient as that was his territory, much easier to move about on than a cramped house. Descient tensed his feet and again felt the damp wood begin the stick to his claws. Pulling his foot free he smashed the remaining wood against the wall, watching as the wall collapsed in on itself before turning back to the hunters.
Then slowly moving forward Descient prepared for another attack.
Cable and his brother were now in a very dangerous situation with very little options the hunter had to face the Darkling. He slowly placed his brother on the floor out of the way, Cable gripped his sword tightly, he knew that if is might be the end of him but he would go out fighting.
“You’re making a big mistake challenging me, when this is over I will have chopped you so small the worms won’t even have to chew.” Cable said in a strong and confident voice he wasn’t sure if the creature could understand him. Cable saw the storm continuing outside, the lightning illuminated himself and the Darkling, suddenly Cable came up with a killer tactic that would give him the edge. He rammed his sword into the ground and started to speak in magic tongue, energy started to slowly wrap around himself started to buzz and form bright electrical aura. Suddenly Cable’s eyes turned to an intense blue and swiftly without warning a blue angel like spirit appeared behind the hunter, Cable had summoned his elemental spirit.
“NOW, FEAR MY TRUE POWER” he said in heavenly god like tone, as Cable moved the spirit copied move for move. Without wasting any time Cable charged up his energy and launched a powerful lightning bolt attack, he lifted his left hand and the spirit again copied and electricity flew out of angel spirit’s fingers.
Descient
11-25-08, 07:13 AM
It was something of a surprise to see a hunter use some sort of magic. Descient was mesmerized by the flying spirit and its bright glow, and as he watched carelessly he was unprepared for the attack that the hunter launched at him. It hit hard and Descients slight movement was only enough to move his face from the blow. The shock of unnatural electricity was painful and thrust Descient backwards crashing into the already weak building walls. Descients bulk was more than enough to take the entire wall with him, removing the beam supporting the wall and leaving a tremendous strain on old hallway walls. Descient landed on the floor covered in a hail of dust and concrete chunks. A loud creak echoed through the mansion as the strain on the wooden beams rose beyond their capacity.
Descient was shocked, he hadn’t expected such a powerful attack from the man, he appeared nothing more than the average hunter but had now proven otherwise. Descient would have to be more cautious with his approach to this prey. A thick cloud of dust had filled the air making it hard to breath for anyone within its proximity, and it quickly filled the corridor and its surrounding rooms. Descient sneezed, but remained hidden behind the dust cloud as he stood back up knocking the random debris off his back. Again he could hear the wooden beams moan, and worryingly kept his eye on the roof as he moved. Random pieces of debris still fell from there weakened positions and Descient was now becoming aware of the Buildings unstable old structure.
Descient crouched down from another position, since the walls were now removed he could see the silhouette of the dusty hunter with his keen eyesight while he remained hidden as he crouch low behind the dust cloud. Slowly he crept forward trying not to crunch up any loose debris under his foot as he attempted to stalk his prey.
Cable was coughing from the cloud of dust that was surrounding him, he put his hand over his mouth and seamlessly the spirit copied, Cable was starting to feel a little nervous he was expecting that the creature would launch counter attack. He looked around hoping to spot the creature’s shadow but his vision was obscured by the cloud of dust, feeling unprepared for approaching attack Cable tightened his fists and started to charge his energy. The Angel spirit behind the hunter started to glow brighter and brighter, the electrical energy around the hunter started to intensify, Cable knew that he had to launch his attack soon otherwise the spirit summon would disappear and he would be open to attack.
The cloud of dust was starting to suffocate the hunter and despite this he continued to charge up his energy.
I need to move this cloud of dust or else I am going to choke to death thought Cable as considered what to do, all of a sudden a thought popped into his mind his Angel spirit had wings. Without warning the Angel spirit’s wings started to spread open, it was magnificent sight, the wings started to flap slowly at first but steadily increase their speed. Soon the wings were blowing a powerful gust of wind and the dust was being pushed away Cable’s plan was working he had now shortened the area where the creature could hide and without little thought Cable intensified his energy, he had to launch attack now before he would lose his summoning.
Within his fists electrical energy was glowing brighter and brighter the energy was worming itself up his arms like snake.
It’s now or never thought Cable and without a moment longer the hunter launched a bombardment of electrical blasts into the remaining cloud of dust hoping that least one of them would hit the Darkling and reveal its location.
Descient
01-31-09, 04:31 PM
Descient had wasted too much time watching his meal worry about what to do in his dire situation. Descient began moving as the strange lights around the hunter grew brighter and then took effect, by blowing the dust away from his position. Surely it wasn’t too much to ask for an worthy foe, a meal worthy of Descient’s effort and hunting skills. Either way, Descient began to care little for the situation at hand, and shifted quickly out of the decaying room and into the corridor before the dust moves back past the broken hole in the wall.
The dust played little on Descients mind, he could cope much better than his enemy in this situation and breathed deep in his nose to exclude the dust and stop it from leaving a nasty taste of plaster and wood in his mouth. It didn’t take much longer for his foe to began firing randomly into the dust cloud in an attempt to force Descient out of his position, but naively he still remained stood still in a dangerous position. Quickly and without hesitation Descient moved forward and pounced up and out of the dust cloud, leaping over the sparks which appeared to start, small flickering fires beneath them.
The hunter was given no warning as the fearsome figure of Descient appeared through the smoke, his large forearms opened wide with their claws released and ready for impact on his prey. His jaw opening and teeth glaring his eyes had locked on his prey as he leaped with force through the air towards his desert.
The creature was flying towards for the Cable at some speed, he was shocked that this creature could be so ferocious and violent Cable realized he that wasted so much time shooting lightning attacks at the dust it left him open for attack. Cable needed to think of something fast. Cable moved his hands to block the oncoming attack, the spirit repeated but only the spirit moved its wings Cable was hoping that this would hold off the attack but make sure Cable added a little bite to his block Cable charged up some of his electric energy to the wings.
Cable also prepared for his counter attack, in secret behind the wings Cable was also charging up some extra amounts of energy to his right hand, he would launch an attack that would finish the battle but it would leave him drained of his energy. The creature came closer and Cable was hoping the creature would fall right into his trap and in within moments the creature was right on top of him and Cable had no more time to prepare.
Descient
03-04-09, 11:34 AM
((Snake has decided to end the battle here, so I'll end it in one final post. BTW snake you kinda confused me with your last post but I'll make the best of it.))
Just as it appeared to be another one of his preys magical attacks, it all ended rather sudden. It was a shock to the mans system when his powers seemed to fail and collapse around him as Descient tore right through his winged shield and latched onto the hunters defenseless body. His sword dropped from his hand and slid across the floor leaving the mans injured and dying brother to watch as Descient drove his large front teeth deep into his neck.
It was silent and quick, leaving a frightening howling wind whistle its way through the house. Descient rose his head as the cold wind brushed against his skin and blood ran down his front teeth and dripped onto the floor. The last and remaining man must of been scared to death, for his fate was to be stock piled up in a safe place for Descient to eat when he felt hungry. Now Descient had four bodies to choose from and he licked his lips in appreciation to his fortunate luck that they had crossed his path.
Finally Descient's eyes locked onto the remaining terrified humans neck. He wasn't going anywhere after Descient had already disabled him earlier and slowly, he walked over to him staring almost sadistically into the mans eyes as he approached for the final kill. Dinner was served.
The END
General Notes: A couple of things. I’m not certain whether this was meant to be a battle or a quest with a lot of battling inside. If it was a battle, I’m not sure if there were actual teams in play because, aside from a short interaction between Descient and Li’olf, everybody just ran on their own. So I’m going to judge this as a quest. Please make sure to clarify the nature of the thread (battle/quest) and the teams (or lack thereof) in the future. Also, as requested, I’m going to keep my commentary brief. Now, onto the rubric.
CONTINUITY – 4
As much as I’d like to, I can’t give a higher score there. You all just happened to run into the same manor somewhere in the wilds, which is a tad too auspicious for my taste. Also, people leaving the thread without even writing out their character’s death certainly didn’t help.
SETTING – 5
There were attempts to incorporate the setting, but mostly it was just mentioning the lightning flashes and the wood creaking. Li’olf was on a good path when he used the decaying smells, but there should be more details like this to bring the scene alive. As it was, all I got from the setting was that the mansion was old and rundown and little else.
PACING – 3
There was a lot of pussyfooting at the beginning and some confusion in the middle and then the end came too fast. A suggestion: when you’re writing a thread like this, where the battle separates into two separate conflicts, it is always best for the two combatants to post one after the other. That way it’s much easier to follow what’s going in. So when Grok started running from Descient, it was Descient who should’ve posted next. Such planning improves the flow of the posts greatly.
DIALOGUE – 3
There wasn’t much of it and it wasn’t too good. Snake, your character just doesn’t sound natural most of the time. You go overboard when trying to express his emotions through dialogue alone, so his speeches sound more funny than threatening. Try looking over some of the better rated battle threads here to see how dialogue should be done in battle. Li’olf kept it simple, though I found his oddly coherent telepathic plea in the middle of a life-threatening battle a bit out of place.
ACTION – 5
This wasn’t too bad, despite several mistakes. Snake and Li’olf, you both powergamed a bit, Snake with his summoned angel firing salvos of lightning at the end and Li’olf with controlling a horde of bugs. Insects or not, there should be considerable strain on your character when controlling them. It would’ve been more realistic if you chose a small number of them, maybe a couple of spiders and moths, and make them do your bidding. It certainly would’ve attracted less attention. Also, Snake, you metagamed when you made Cable conclude that the bugs were being controlled by telepathy. There is simply very little chance that anyone would get to that conclusion. Also, there were several times when all four of you failed to recognize what the others were doing. Like when Grok threw down the table and nobody in this huge empty mansion heard it.
PERSONA – 6
One of the main reasons why I’m going this high with Persona is Descient. He played the role of the beast perfectly. From the beginning to the very end he was exactly what he was supposed to be; a merciless animal hunting for food. Good job there. Gork, I’m afraid, never had the time to introduce his character properly. All that Cable seemed to be about is a whole lot of psyching.
MECHANICS – 3
A lot of mistakes from the beginning until the end. There was barely a paragraph that didn’t have some kind of a spelling or grammar mistake. Sometimes you four used wrong words, sometimes you forgot to capitalize, sometimes the thoughts weren’t italicized, sometimes you shifted tenses. All in all, you requested a brief commentary so I won’t offer any examples. But I will offer some advice. Re-read everything you write. Always. Several times if necessary.
TECHNIQUE – 2
Nothing particularly impressive here. I failed to notice any special literary devices being used.
CLARITY – 4
The mistakes from mechanics hurt clarity as well, I’m afraid. Spelling mistakes are like little shards of glass; if they are few and far between you can barely feel their sting. If there are many of them, they are a nuisance and make things unclear.
WILD CARD – 5
All things considered, it was a decent effort.
TOTAL SCORE – 40
Congratulations!!!
SPOILS:
Descient gets 400 EXP and 300 GP
Snake gets 300 EXP and 150 GP
Li’olf gets 300 EXP and 150 GP
Scout gets 200 EXP and 100 GP
Taskmienster
03-26-09, 10:15 AM
Exp and Gp added!
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.