The Meat Pit: Christoph vs. Lorenor

[Christoph]

Shunk! Shunk! Shunk!

The cold air in the dimly lit slaughterhouse hung thick with the odor of blood and burnt flesh. The chamber was approximately one hundred feet long and fifty feet wide. Giant slaps of meat dangled from the ceiling in rows, dripping blood on stone floor. The center of the massive room was frigid enough to freeze one’s breath, but dozens of massive meat furnaces blazed along the long sidewalls. Their huge doors wide open, they billowed enough heat to blister skin.

Shunk! Shunk! Shunk!

The only sounds were the hellish crackle of flame from the furnaces and wet chopping sounds coming from the furthest side. In the far center of the slaughterhouse, Christopher Knighton sat and worked behind a large wooden table covered in huge chunks of bloody meat. With a slimy cleaver in hand, the chef Hierarch worked tirelessly, chopping and sectioning the beef with mechanical precision.

The familiarity of the process soothed him and allowed him to ignore how far out of his bearings he was. The chef could forget that he was a Warrior of the Pagoda, far from his home and friends. He could forget about the challenger that he was waiting for. For that moment, as Chris sat on his workbench dressed in a white coat and bloodstained apron, he was home again, doing a job that he knew and enjoyed.

Shunk! Shunk! Shunk!

The Warrior smiled. The Monks had done fine job on his arena. It wasn’t home, but it was close enough. It reminded him of the butcher shop that he used to do side jobs for in his hometown. He could accept and even enjoy his stay at the Pagoda, as unexpected as it was.

Chris had stepped through the hallowed doors of the Dajas Pagoda once before. It had been a quick stop in Scara Brae on a cargo ship from Corone to Salvar. He’d visited the great warrior temple out of boredom, and wound up fighting none other than the legendary Dan Kross. With a combination of cunning and luck, he even won. It was one of his proudest moments; he was sad to leave the island. As it turned out, the monks hadn’t forgotten him. Apparently, his victory against Dan Kross had made quite an impression. When he finally returned to Dajas Pagoda, he was recognized immediately and offered a job

How could he refuse?

Just then, the wrought-iron doors on the other side creaked loudly. His challenger had arrived. Chris sighed.

“I suppose I need to do my new job, now.�

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Thinking back to the events that lead Lorenor back to the Dajas Pagoda after so many years, the ghoul stared at the iron doors before him.

Outside, the world was encased in a shroud of darkness. Night settled upon the that hemisphere of Althanas. With it, the nocturnal warrior's power waned significantly. He felt good. There was no doubt about it. After his most recent kill, a few hours earlier, he was filled with the energy he needed to sustain himself in prolonged conflict.

Sanguine substance flowed freely through his immortal vessel. Earlier arrangements fresh off the boat from Salvar, lead the ghoul to the halls of the Dajas Pagoda once again. Following a whim, the dark goddes, N'Jal, decreed that Lorenor return to the Pagoda. Working to obey the will of his goddess, Lorenor found himself making the familiar journey towards the Pagoda's battle facilities once again.

Lorenor thought he would've forgotten the way. But his feet guided him inexorably towards his destination. The twin iron doors stared mockingly at the ghoul concealing the fate that awaited within. Lorenor used considerable force to push the doors open. A large amount of noise filled the hallways as the doors swung open.

Expecting a lot of things, Lorenor wasn't expecting to see a slaughterhouse.

The scent of old death surrounded the ghoul effectively. He hissed softly and took the wonderful scents of dead meat. The bodies of various beasts hung on chains swinging of their own kinetic force. Lorenor admired the scents and the scene before him, it was art. Chunks of the bodies dripped blood upon the floor creating a plosh, plosh sound. He looked about the room as far as his eyes allowed him to see within his sensory grid.

Outside of his grid, the world was a gray mist. A perpetual fog across the ages of time immemorial. He is Cristoph Knighton. Came the voice of the endless within his mind. He is known within the bowels of the dark. Lorenor nodded to himself as the information revealed itself from the voices in his head. Walking forward, he proceeded cautiously into the structure, the gloom of the building surrounding him now.

Feeling the weight of the meat sticking to him, Lorenor covered the distance between himself and Cristopher Knighton. The Chef was busy carving up pieces of the produce lurking all around him. Blood was thick in the air. The ghoul nodded with respect towards the Pagoda Warrior. "You responded quickly to my request." Came the raspy voice, speaking through some unknown method of communication. Lorenor had no tongue.

The short warrior proceeded forward with confidence in his step. Standing completely upright, his dark attire made the monster a rather imposing individual. With his hood crowning the top of his head, his cloak flowed all about him and moved with the creature's every step forward. Boot falls echoed across the floor. He was finely dressed in the attire of a Lord. Vlince dyed in the nocturnal colors of black adorned his person. His metallic right forearm reflected the dim light of the warehouse. Lorenor was a grotesque beast of the night. His hood covered his hideous face, a deliberate addition to his disguise. The Salvarn Lord paused as he reached about a few steps before the chef and prepared himself for battle.

"My name is Lorenor V'halkulus. I have heard of you Christoper Knighton. N'Jal speaks your name in great favor." Lorenor said casually and waited for the man's response.

[Christoph]

“That’s… wonderful,” replied the chef, cringing in spite of himself. It never made him comfortable to hear that he as in ‘great favor’ with ominous-sounding beings that he’d never heard of before. “I’m not sure that I want to know what I did to leave such an impression.”

The best word that Chris could come up with to describe his challenger was ‘disconcerting.’ Black hair, grey skin, and glowing purple eye sockets combined to create a genuinely unwholesome appearance. He—it clashed surprisingly with the arena. Where the slaughterhouse was filled with dripping, fresh meat, this creature seemed to embody the opposite. The Warrior had no idea who, or what, his opponent was, except that its name was Lorenor something or another.

At least his challenger appeared to be taking the prospective fight seriously, if not too much so. While Christopher’s first visit there could have been considered a ‘pit stop’, it wasn’t his choice to make it so brief and he never would have referred to it as such. Even so, he had still taken something of a casual approach as a challenger; it was difficult to tell if the creature’s professionalism was sincere or just a clever visage. The Hierarch shrugged. It didn’t matter; this was his job and he’d need to earn his keep, regardless if his opponents actually cared or not. Chris certainly didn’t.


“Well, I suppose that I should welcome you to my little corner of this grand temple,” said the Warrior, yawning and stretching his back. He forced himself to stand, stabbing his cleaver into the slab of meat, wiping his bloody hands off on his apron, and looking rather bored. After all the excitement of being hired into such a seemingly prestigious fellowship, it had already been a bit of a letdown. This one wasn’t as irritating or useless as his first challenger, at least. “My name is Christopher Knighton, and I will be your waiter for tonight.”

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Waiter huh? So. He fancies himself a chef. Thoughts swirled with melancholy meaning. Surrounded by so much death, the creature was well within his element. A hand moved to the closest of the slabs of meat. Slowly, sensually, the ghoul passed his hand across the bleeding carcass, letting his palm become blood stained. Lorenor moved his hand away a moment later, not wanting to contaminate the man's food supply. Or better yet, the Pagoda's food supply.

A full minute passed before the ghoul made his next move.

He was well within sensory range and used his full sensory array with all of their supernatural capacity. Lights surrounded the chef as he gave off a glow of powerful energy. He is not to be underestimated. Or overestimated for that matter. Careful as she goes. I sense a great power from him.

This wasn't Lorenor's first trip into the Dajas Pagoda. Long ago, he'd fought a younger version of Joshua Cronen, a warrior from another world, a skeleton chef similar to Christoph in a lot of disturbing ways, he couldn't even remember the skeleton's name. There was that bastard teddy bear that kicked his ass too. But times were different now. Lorenor had acquired significant power.

"N'Jal oversees all." Lorenor began. "She is a product of the All-Thayne and is a much greater piece than the rest of the Thaynehood. Those pretenders." The religious zealot was a follower of the dark goddess, N'Jal. Completely conflicting his belief system was the fact that on occasion, he served St. Denebriel in Salvar. Lorenor was deeply religious and knew the etiquette of lordship.

He looked away from the handsome man for a brief moment. Turning back to the warrior, Lorenor drew one of his prized damascus longsword. This one, paired with a similar weapon upon his back that made a strange sort of "x", was a sight to behold. The blade was lengthy and sheened to masterwork precision. Lorenor pointed the tip of the blade to the ground and went into a fighting stance.

"N'Jal speaks highly of you. That makes us practically brothers." The ghoul said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice, though playfully intended. Whispers touched the deeper part of the ghoul's mind. And so, the stage was set. Feeling the living epidermis of the endless wrapping itself around the ghoul, a layer of living darkness tightened and manifested itself like a shell, the follower of N'Jal was prepared to do war against the Master Chef of the Dajas Pagoda.

"Let us begin!" Lorenor declared.

[Christoph]

“Brothers?” asked the chef, cringing in disgust. He shook his head and sighed. “No, I doubt that. Not unless my mother took up an unhealthy taste in black magic and necrophilia.”

It was difficult for the Warrior to keep the disgust from his face. The challenger hadn’t done anything to him, but Chris couldn’t help but dislike the creature. The Heirarch did not enjoy being told that he was held in high regard by dark gods and he most certainly didn’t like being referred to as a brother by some abomination against nature. Granted, he’d have probably been put off even if a normal person had tried coming on so strong. Was the challenger trying to impress him?

Knighton took a deep, weary breath and forced his gaze to settle on his unsightly opponent. If the undead creature’s power matched its hideousness, the fight would surely be a tough one. The challenger was certainly armed well – a sword clearly made from demascus in his hand. Of course, if this Lorenor wanted to play the fancy sword game, Chris had one hell of a card up his metaphorical sleeve.

A tired smile formed upon the chef’s lips as he reached for his sword from behind his worktable. He swung the mighty long sword in an arc, creating an amplified woosh. The burning green runes and glyphs cast an unnatural magical glow into the dimly lit slaughterhouse. The blade’s power seeped into his body like water into cloth. The sensation was almost euphoric – he could get lost in it, and might have let himself had it not been for the fight.

Even so, the Warrior’s entire demeanor shifted once his hand closed around the hilt of his weapon. It changed from weary to a strange feral eagerness. His grin widened as his formidable power flashed in his eyes. He took a few purposeful steps toward Lorenor, his eyes narrowed in a challenging glare.

“Come then, brother,” he taunted. “Come forward and show me why you are worthy to breathe the sacred air of the Dajas Pagoda.”

[Mutant_Lorenor]

All at once, the ambiance within the slaughter house shifted ever so subtly with noticeable intent. As if waiting for the battle that would take place, a palpable hush filled the room. The only sound was the echo of chains slowly rusting over with the effects of time. A few of the chains had cobwebs upon them from arachnid residents making their domicile amongst the sacks of beef.

Lorenor had a quiet concentration about himself. This sacred place called the Dajas Pagoda huh? He obviously doesn't know his history. The former Pagoda warrior lacked in size and weight, but had other features that made him an intimidating individual. I am getting under his skin.

Lorenor tried to read the man's facial expressions as best he could. He found the chef to be a handsome fellow. Agreeable even. Despite his false attempts at taunts, Lorenor found himself respecting that mysterious halo that surrounded the warrior. Was his eyes playing tricks on him? Lorenor trusted his sensory grid but sometimes he saw things that made his mind think twice about his own level of sanity, or lack thereof.

Observing the quality and make of the man's weapon Lorenor felt a shiver go up and down his spine. Prevalida. He'd seen the material before in various shapes and forms and knew that they were all dangerous. Would his masterwork weapon hold up against something like that? There was only one way to find out. And so, the former Pagoda warrior prepared himself to fight against the current hierarch.

The man closed the gap between the duo. Lorenor nodded to him and prepared to do battle. Grasping the hilt of his sword, Lorenor moved quickly into combat stance. Will my weapon hold up? Now is the time to find out.

Taking a test swing, the swordsman took a quick stab at the man's midsection hoping to end the battle early. Lorenor would have to be at the top of his game against a superior opponent.

[Christoph]

Bunnies approved.

Christopher casually batted aside Lorenor’s jab, recognizing it as a means to test the waters rather than a real attack. The Hierarch returned the favor with a swift horizontal slash. As expected, the unnatural being blocked without much trouble.

It wasn’t the dramatic, energetic beginning like the ones portrayed in the great works of epic literature that he used to read as a youth. It was how real duels typically kicked off – each swordsman would test the measure of his foe before rushing headlong into full-bore combat. It was an understanding that most experienced combatants possessed. That alone earned the challenger a small dose of the chef’s respect.

Chris quickened the pace. Bending his knees, he attacked again, the tip of his burning blade striking like a serpent. Unsurprisingly, the mutant parried again and countered with a slash of his own. Several blows were exchanged as the two fighters took turns advancing and withdrawing between the massive slabs of meat. The Warrior’s Prevalida sword responded to the Demascus of Lorenor’s weapon and increased energy of the fight. A flash and crackle of discharged energy followed each clash of blades.

The chef fought the urge to grin; as much as he’d made it a point to complain to himself about his job, this fight was almost starting to prove fun and exhilarating.

Then, without warning, Chris took a quick step backwards and pivoted around one of the meat slabs with acrobatic grace. In a single fluid motion, he thrust his blade into the hanging carcass and used lifted himself off the ground by it, using his momentum to spin himself into a rather awkward, yet surprisingly well-balanced kick aimed directly at the challenger’s chest.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Exchanged blows released a sort of latent energy stored within either of the weapons used during the match. The clashing of swords created a symphony of sounds that echoed across the air.

Lorenor saw the energy burning through across space and time. He smiled at that underneath the protection of the endless. Moving quickly with the more experienced swordsman's skill and ability, Lorenor found his confidence growing as he was able to hold himself well against his enemy. Fighting the superior foe allowed the ghoul to test his own level of skill to its limit, and surpass it. It was a form of training that he took quite seriously.

Pending a new threat, the small warrior noticed that Cristoph moved in a strange sort of way that didn't read like another sword attack. Instead, the warrior was unleashing a new tactic; melee attacks. Lorenor excelled in this sort of combat as well, his training well versed in both arts. Lorenor's mind quickly cleared as he thought back to his battle with Joshua Cronen in his first outing as a Pagoda Warrior. The battle had been fierce with the Knights of Dawn hot on his tail, a kidnapping attempt gone awry, and his own battle against the fierce Pagoda warrior himself. Joshua had attempted a similar maneuver, a straight kick to Lorenor's chest.

The ghoul was prepared with all the experience and training he needed.

He stepped quickly to the side and moved at an angle to evade the incoming attack, reacting with his sword quickly. Seeing the extended leg, Lorenor swung his weapon beneath Chris' exposed leg in a circular motion. At the apex of the movement, Lorenor suddenly struck upwards in an attempt to cleanly remove Chris' leg if his attack succeeded. Hoping that his calculation paid off, Lorenor did not underestimate the maneuvering capabilities of his opponent one bit. Taking into account their current environment, the ghoul waited precious seconds to see if his well placed counter attack paid off.

He'd seen such kicks before and knew that he would never fall for such an attack ever again, especially when he'd been kicked straight in the chest by one of the best: Joshua Cronen. Lorenor took his training with Cristoph extremely seriously.

[Christoph]

Chris winced in pain as the mutant’s blade dug into the flesh of his thigh. The challenger’s reaction time was admirable, even if the damage caused by his sword was superficial at best. It hurt, yes, and there was blood, but the slash didn’t connect with any significant power. The attack just didn’t have the leverage given its angle and the fact that the chef’s legs were moving targets, spinning around the massive slab of meat with the embedded sword as a pivot point.

The Warrior’s feet sailed through air that Lorenor’s body had occupied a fraction of a second before, grateful that his miscalculation hadn’t cost him any more. He landed deftly on his feet, his feline grace only barely hindered by his minor wound, tugging his sword loose as he came down.

“No bad,” he commented, a grinning slightly. He took on a teacher’s tone. It surprised him just how naturally he took on the rule of instructor. “You think well on your feet.” He tested his leg; it was sore, but still functional. “Not a bad shot, though there wasn’t much power behind it.” The chef cracked his neck, more for visual effect than because it was stiff; he needed to at least look like he was getting serious.

“You’ve managed to keep me awake thus far, which I must confess is surprising,” said Chris, flourishing his sword in a sort of salute. “However, it is now time for a change of venue.”

Raw magical energies had been coursing through Christopher’s body like the blood in his veins from the start of the duel. He had a reason for it, two in fact. Firstly, since he, unlike most humans, could maintain such a state, it was logical and practical because it allowed him faster and more efficient access to his devastating arcane arsenal. Secondly and more importantly, it allowed his some degree of subtlety. Even those not trained in the arcane arts could typically feel large, sudden influxes of energy, meaning that a savvy and quick-witted opponent would be able to see such an attack coming; but since the large volume of power was already circulating within him, detecting an incoming spell would be extremely difficult until it was too late.

That second reason would be the key factor in the challenger’s second test. Indeed, he’d proven his ability to react to physical threats quickly, but how would he fair against the supernatural, especially from one as skilled in their wielding as the Hierarch.

The blast was sudden and catastrophically powerful. Without even a gesture or whispered word, Chris sent a rapid wave of bright blue fire at his nearby foe. It moved quickly, like a massive burning crossbow bolt, and carried terminally explosive force and the heat of a forge.

Christopher was determined to hide just how much the blast of divine wrath took from him.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

((This is my conclusion post, sweet battle man))

And in one sharp moment, everything took a turn for the worst. Perceiving the power that Cristoph radiated from the onset of the match, Lorenor suddenly saw vast amounts of energy cascading from the master chef. The energy formed together and gathered around one solid epicenter creating a perfect shape in three dimensional space.

Knowing what was coming, Lorenor panicked and thought about fleeing from the incoming attack. But another side of him demanding that the mutant stay and meet the attack dead on, honor was at stake. Lorenor could face death and come back every time, he had that luxury. I don't have the power on hand to defeat you, but one day I will. One day I will come for you Cristopher Knighton! One day, I will enact vengeance upon you!

Bracing himself for the worst, he saw the incoming attack from the moment the air became hotter. Fearing for his life, the ghoul assumed a defensive position, with his sword raised directly in front of him. He was hoping that his sword would cut him at least some sort of slack to come up with a plan of countering. There was one possible option, but the mutant didn't even fall back at that once he saw the single speck of energy rapidly increasing into a much larger mass.

No, this was his moment.

So he faced it on his own two feet.

"No!"

Lorenor screamed in agony as the blast propelled itself through the air, fired at extreme velocity. The idea to flee came once again, but the ghoul was no coward, he would meet his fate dead on.

The energy spiraled forward with each precious second. Seeing his miserable life flashing before his eyes, Lorenor closed them to allow the recent memories of his accomplishments pass before his mind's eye. The Conquest Trials. His original foray into the Dajas Pagoda. Many mercenary missions completed and many more yet to come, including his job with the St. Denebriel's Cathedral. All these and other matters flashed before his eyes as the blast rapidly came in.

There was no resistance. There was no struggle. Wrapping itself around Lorenor's vessel completely, the endless attempted to delay what was inevitable. No, there was no hope. Cristoph's power and mastery over the elemental fire was far too great. Burning at five hundred degrees and higher than that, the blast hit Lorenor with full force. There was a loud scream that filled the Dajas Pagoda arena with its inhuman sound. And after a moment passed, a terrible silence. Where Lorenor once stood, there was naught but ashes left floating in the magically touched air and soon, this was gone as well.

It would take months, but Lorenor would one day regenerate and live to fight again. But for now, the journey had come to a grinding halt.

The End.

[Christoph]

The Pagoda Warrior strode cautiously forward as the smoke and steam cleared. Everything had gone silent. His face prickled as the air temperature dramatically dropped back to normal again. The nearby meat slabs were brown and charred from the excess heat from the attack. Beyond that, however, the magical backlash was already taking affect, causing ice crystals to form on the floor and far walls. The energy had to come from somewhere, after all.

A pile of charred flesh and ash lay in a pile where his challenger had once stood. He sighed and cringed slightly. Well, there goes that... The end result hadn’t been exactly what he’d been aiming for, and the next words to flow from his lips reflected this.

“…Oops.”

* * * * *

“Please tell me that you are not going to make a habit of burning every challenger alive within four minutes their arrival.” A tall, wiry monk with dark skin and green robes stood just outside the healing chamber. In actuality, it had a fancier name than that, but Chris could never be bothered to remember how to pronounce it. “While it is your duty to defend the honor of the Pagoda, it is also your responsibility to teach and pass knowledge on to our visitors.”

The Warrior rolled his eyes. “Yes, yes, we went over this last time… sir,” he replied, calling him ‘sir’ simply because he couldn’t recall the Monk’s name, not because he respected him significantly. “I actually tried this time. I just… overestimated my foe and underestimated my own power.”

“That is something to fix, then,” said the monk. “So that you can improve yourself and do better next time.”

“I’ll get right on that,” laughed Chris sardonically. “But really, you could help by sending me challengers who aren’t so damned flammable.”

“As it turns out, most mortals are flammable…”

The chef grinned. “Well, that’s hardly my fault, now is it? Blame the gods.” He patted the Monk on the shoulder and started down the hall back to his arena, not giving the battle or his conversation with the Monk a second thought. It was time to go back to work.

[Ataraxis]

Quest Judging
The Meat Pit: Christoph vs. Lorenor

I know I say this a lot, but I’m still sorry for the wait! In any case, I’ll give a basic judgment, as was required, and for once I will give short (well, moderately short) paragraphs for each category.

Red is Christoph, Blue is Lorenor!

STORY

Continuity ~

6.5/10. I got a small look into Chris’ past from the butcher shop and your mention of the books he read as a child. I don’t really know much else, but that’s not so bad. You didn’t forget to mention how he got his rank as a Pagoda Hierarch, and mentioned your fight with Dan (considering he’s become famous IC, you get no points docked for just mentioning him by name, since it’s similar to using canon information). Considering the nature of this battle, which was very basic and didn’t really touch on anything thorough continuity-wise, I can’t give you any higher.

5.5/10. T In a way, you managed to give as much information about Lorenor as Chris did about, well, Chris. It was somewhat awkwardly conveyed, but that will go into Clarity and Technique. Basically, I know that he’s not new to the Pagoda, was a master once, and fought quite a few people including Joshua Cronen (who, considering his level, will be considered famous as well). How you found information about Chris, however, was very dubious and far too convenient. That he’s fighting in the Pagoda because N’Jal’s asked him to on a whim is also far too convenient.

Setting ~

5.5/10. You started off strong enough, painting a rather vivid picture of the slaughterhouse. A few black spatters of blood on the walls near the chopping block would have been a nice addition. Otherwise, there wasn’t much to this category. I could remember what the setting looked like during the battle, not because it was actively described (which would have been better), but because it was relatively simple. As far as interaction goes, using a carcass hanging from a meathook was a good move. In your next battle, throwing someone in the furnaces (or being thrown but surviving due to his fire resistance spell) might get you a bonus in Action and Setting. A small inconsistency: you say the walls are lined with furnaces in the first post, yet there are ice crystals forming on these very walls in the final post, because ‘the heat had to come from somewhere’. Well, the furnaces would’ve been a good source. Still the crystals were a nice touch.

4.5/10. I had a feeling that you rehashed some of Christoph’s descriptions of the slaughterhouse, but you didn’t actually add much to make them different. In my notes, I picked out some lines that actually hurt you since they were supposed to be descriptions, but ended up being rather unsuccessful when it came to depicting the arena clearly. You also didn’t interact with the setting aside from sensuously stroking a dead animal), and you actually focused more on describing how hideous Lorenor looked, without actually showing us what about him made him so hideous. Christoph was actually the one who described Lorenor the most accurately, strangely enough. When you focus on the Setting, try to make each description count, or else they’re wasted words (refer to the ‘kinetic force’ line in my notes). I’ve seen you write rather interesting descriptions before, so if you manage to shake off that habit of being either too technical or overly verbose, you’ll do quite well here.

Pacing ~


6 /10. Basically, I had an easier time reading Chris’ posts: they were just the right size, well organized and with a balance of detail and brevity. It didn’t have much tension, however, and I don’t think I was ever on the edge of my seat while reading this battle, even metaphorically speaking. For example, your post, after the battle actually started, basically said ‘they moved back and forth, striking their blades continuously to make some background noise’. You also got docked a bit because the battle itself began so late (end of post 5). Still, you do know how to seize opportunities from the contents of your opponent’s posts to make yours shine brighter, and doing that gives the battle a much more cohesive feeling, which made reading it a more enjoyable experience. Again, since there wasn’t much to this battle, I can’t give you higher than this.

4/10. First off, I just want to say that the battle ended rather quickly and anticlimactically. That being said, here’s how you lost the bulk of the points: your posts don’t actually follow a clear, logical progression. You start with one idea, and in the very same paragraph you switch to another unrelated one. I’ve mentioned this in perhaps two judgments, and though the number of these has decreased since, I still find myself wondering just what a certain passage was about. Your writing is easy to write for the most part, but sometimes I have the clear impression that I’m trudging through them haphazardly, trying to make sense of the tangle. My only advice for this is to review each of your posts after you’ve written them, and ask yourself ‘what is this paragraph about?’ Then, ‘is there a logical transition between the idea of this paragraph and that of the next?’ Those two to three extra minutes that could make a world of difference.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~

6.5/10. Chris’ replies to Lorenor were very interesting, told a lot about what kind of a person he is and were generally entertaining to read. I rather enjoyed his conversation with the monk in the last post, even if it did incite a sense of déjÃ* vu. I did find his line about the ‘sacred air of the Dajos Pagoda’ rather forced, though.

5/10. Lorenor, I know your character is a religious zealot and all, but that’s no reason to stick that closely to the archetype. You should at least play a little bit with how he conveys his worship of N’Jal. ‘N’Jal speaks your name in great favour’, ‘N’Jal oversees all’, makes him sound like a particularly uncreative soothsayer or doomsayer. When you had him say ‘N'Jal speaks highly of you, that makes us practically brothers’, it was a lot more interesting, as it showed he could show his religious beliefs with a bit of humor. Otherwise, he was rather clichéd with the ‘let us begin!’ and the typical defeated villain revenge monologue he had at the end. His internal dialogue was basic and not the most memorable. Again, I’ve seen you do much better with Lorenor, so no worries there. Just try and aim to convey a specific something each time he talks, something very characteristic of him that the reader will notice and find rather unique. Quirks of the speech, a strange but amusing dark humor, constant self-deprecation or an inability of talking without using sexual innuendo are things that I’ve seen on this forum and a few others. For example, Chris himself has this light, aloof and witty banter that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Ask yourself how Lorenor’s dialogue would be described in a short sentence, and compare it to how you want it to be described.

Action ~

6/10. The biggest chunk of action would be described as multiple, clashing sword strokes, otherwise known as Flynning, a spinning kick and an ultimate ball of fire. How he started in his arena by chopping was an interesting detail that told a lot about who he is and what he was long ago, but beside some grinning and cringing at Lorenor’s lines and actions, there wasn’t much in the way of character-defining action. I could include how he has a tendency to teach something to his opponent in the heat of battle, but I didn’t find that as well-played as it could’ve been. As for tactical action, I can commend you for taking the hit to the leg, and having kept the boosting aura on at all times to keep your opponent for detecting any spell Chris would choose cast until it was too late, as was the case with the final fireball.

4.5/10. I can’t say much about Lorenor’s action. Again, there was that part where he caressed a dead animal, but I wasn’t really sure what to think about that. I did get from his actions that he was comfortable in the darkness and in all things gory, and perhaps the above was your way of showing him as such. In any case, beside that, he put on his Endless armor and fought with his sword, and that about sums it up on your part. There was that one maneuver where he blocked Chris’ kick and countered rather skillfully, but there wasn’t much more in this short fight. I’m also quite surprised he couldn’t find a way of countering a big ball of scorching fire other than hitting it with a sword. If I want to defend my honor when someone’s about to shoot me (and only me), I’d do it by not standing still and let myself be killed without resistance. For one, the arena is full of big, dead animals hanging from the ceiling. Why not use one or two as shield? He might not be fast enough to take complete cover behind one, but he would have at least survived, and then you could have worked on giving this fight a bit more substance. I know some judges have given bonus points for taking hits and having the guts to die, but at least give it some flair.

Persona ~

6.5/10. I think I said everything in both Dialogue and Action. Basically, I got a clear look of who Christoph is and his general behavior. He’s not the hackneyed cool guy that never gets rubed the wrong way, nor was he the impulsive hothead that takes everything too seriously. He gets irritated, but won’t let something so benign get in the way of a decent fight. All in all, he’s aloof and carefree, but still keeps his feet on the ground.

5/10. I mentioned this in Dialogue, but here it is again. Lorenor more often than not comes off as the stereotypical prophet/fanatic, but without the crazy. The thing is, the crazy actually makes them rather interesting, like Mrs. Carmody in the Mist. Either way, I have a lot of mixed feeling about Lorenor, since his personality is very low-key. I only catch glimpses here and there, fragments about how he wants to protect his honor and all, and how he respects good fighters. I remember he’s a greedy bastard, but I frankly didn’t see any of that in this battle. If he were that greedy, wouldn’t he be disappointed that if he managed to win this fight, he’d be unable to steal Christoph’s Prevalida sword, as the loser would be quickly taken to the healing ward, with all his things, to be patched up or revived?

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~

6.5/10. As I said before, great balance of detail and brevity. You never waste time on needlessly long descriptions, but you usually don’t skimp on them either. Your style has humor that fits the situation, too. As a whole, however, the Technique was a lot less present in this battle compared to your other quests and battles. It didn’t jump to catch my attention as it usually does, but rather fell in the backdrop.

5/10. There’s no denying that you put good effort into Technique, but you still need to pay a bit more attention to what you write. Your style comes off as so flowery that it doesn’t feel serious anymore, that it feels over the top. At other times, it’s so technical that we don’t learn anything from it other than snippets from a physics class. Your Technique would drastically improve if you put yourself in the reader’s shoes and asked yourself: ‘is this sentence/wording appealing to read? If I hadn’t written this, would I still understand?’ Refer again to the section about ‘kinetic force’ in my notes.

Mechanics ~

8/10. Very few mistakes, and mostly typos. Refer to the annexed notes.

6/10. I’ve seen more mistakes than that before, but I still think you could’ve done better if you’d read your posts over again. You also still have a bit of trouble separating ideas and organizing paragraphs so that they become solid and seamlessly stack with one another. Some comma trouble as well, but a lot less than in past threads.

Clarity ~

8/10. You had me questioning myself once or twice, but nothing that a second, more thorough reread couldn’t clarify.

7/10. It was still clear enough, but your writing sometimes felt so roundabout that I wasn’t sure what I was reading anymore. Thankfully, that didn’t happen very often, though your writing is a bit thick, which made it slightly harder to understand what was being conveyed.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~

4.5/10. 5 would be my average for threads I enjoyed, but found slight disappointing due to certain aspects. Plus, this battle could have been easily improved. You also docked a bit because I noticed you reused your opening post in another, incomplete (Music in the Meat Pit against Edmund Talbott). I know since it was incomplete, you decided to reuse it for another battle, but since you recently submitted that one for judging as well, I figured I’d take out the points here for milking the same post twice, and then contact the judge who’ll take on the other battle and ask that you not be penalized a second time. The other way around is more complicated and there’s no guarantee the points would be deducted. In any case, it’s just half a point.

4/10. Because this was such a simple battle, and because I know you could do much better, I don’t think I can give you higher either. If you can make your writing just a bit lighter to read while giving it just a bit more flair, I assure you that you’ll already get generous boosts in almost every category.


TOTAL ~

64/100.

50.5/100.

Christoph wins!

EXP Rewards

Christopher Knighton gains: 2000 XP!

Lorenor V'halkulusgains: 400 XP!

GP Rewards

Christopher Knighton gains: 200 GP!

Lorenor V'halkulusgains: 0 GP!

FINAL NOTES


Good match, and good luck with your next endavours!




Odd numbered posts are Christoph, Even numbered posts are Lorenor

he was recognized immediately and offered a job (1) offered a job.
With it, the nocturnal warrior's power waned significantly. (2) I think you meant waxed. Wane is to weaken or grow smaller, wax is to grow bigger or stronger.
Sanguine substance flowed freely through his immortal vessel. (2) Example of an overly flowery sentence. Fresh or young blood would make things more gruesome, since it’d be like vampirizing a child. Then you could say it spilled from his lips to his undead veins, pouring hotly into his flesh like virginal wine into a chalice of corruption.
from Salvar, lead the ghoul (2) comma unnecessary
Expecting a lot of things, Lorenor wasn't expecting to see a slaughterhouse. (2) Sounds awkward. ‘Though he expected a lot of things, Lorenor did not expect a slaughterhouse.’ I’m guessing you repeated ‘expect’ for effect, but it’s so-so in my opinion.

The scent of old death surrounded the ghoul effectively (2) Effectively. I have a problem with your use of this adverb, since to my mind it doesn’t add anything to the description. What is an effective scent? Strongly would at least fit better. I’ve read a number of your old quests, and this has come up quite a few times. Remember that selecting the right word is also a very important part of writing. Side note, in that paragraph, you use ‘scent’ thrice. Using different words once in a while is also very important.

beasts hung on chains swinging of their own kinetic force (2) You don’t need to give the reader a Physics lesson by stating the obvious. Talking about kinetic force for a basic description of the surroundings is more off-putting than anything else, as it doesn’t actually add anything to the image, besides maybe force vectors. Now, comparing their swing to that of a pendulum or something to that effect draws a clearer image.

busy carving up pieces of the produce lurking all around him (2) Small note, the word ‘produce’ refers to fresh vegetables and fruits.

Note: I don’t think any of your skills are able to reveal such accurate information on people he’s never met. Your sensory grid says he can interact with ghosts and the like, but using them to find information out of basically nowhere is something that should at least be in your profile. That’s all moot, though, since it’s the Endless that told him that, and it still doesn’t say anywhere that it’s capable of doing this.

comfortable to hear that he as in ‘great favor’ (3) was, I believe

He was well within sensory range and used his full sensory array with all of their supernatural capacity. (4) Sensory repeated twice. Also, basically, that sentence feels superfluous to me. If you could focus less on ‘telling which ability he’s using’ and more on ‘having the reader not only understand but take interest in what he’s doing’, your writing would feel much more lively.

There was that bastard teddy bear that kicked his ass too. (4) You’ve been sticking to a dignified horror style, but the above line detracts from the atmosphere you’ve set by sounding far too colloquial. I think you wanted to include a bit of humor, and that’s fine, just try to do it seamlessly.

one of his prized damascus longsword (4) one of his (…) longswords.
his back that made a strange sort of "x" (4) I’m sure there are better ways to describe crossing weapons than quoting a letter.
and manifested itself like a shell, the follower of N'Jal was prepared to do war against the Master Chef of the Dajas Pagoda (4) Two ideas in one sentence that don’t complement each other. Cut the above in two sentences, like this: “and manifested itself like a shell. The follower of N'Jal was prepared to do war against the Master Chef of the Dajas Pagoda”

The Heirarch (5) Hierarch
a sword clearly made from demascus (5) Damascus
The only sound was the echo of chains slowly rusting (6) What does a rusting chain sound like? If you meant it couldn’t be heard, then you’re repeating what you already said with “a palpable hush filled the room”.

Lorenor had a quiet concentration about himself. This sacred place called the Dajas Pagoda huh? He obviously doesn't know his history. The former Pagoda warrior lacked in size and weight, but had other features that made him an intimidating individual. I am getting under his skin. (6) About himself? And I’d have expected some form of elaboration on why Christoph’s claim is wrong.

Was his eyes playing tricks on him? (6) Were his eyes

Note: In the same post, you asked twice ‘would his weapon hold up?’. One time is enough. Even if it was for effect, it felt redundant.

The Warrior’s Prevalida sword responded to the Demascus of Lorenor’s weapon (7) Damascus
and used lifted himself off the ground by it (7) You forgot to delete ‘used’, though perhaps ‘and used it to lift himself off the ground’ would’ve sounded less awkward than the use of ‘by it’.

the energy burning through across space and time. (8) Across space and time is a cliché I’ve seen mostly in works of science fiction. I really don’t think it’d fit in a swordfight. It at least doesn’t look like it’s describing anything accurately.

Knights of Dawn hot on his tail, a kidnapping attempt gone awry (8) this was like shooting yourself in the foot. I’ve no idea what this is about, so I’d expect some more information on them, but your tangent to explain how he was prepared for Chris’ kick was already long enough to strain the flow of the battle.

but how would he fair against (9) fare

Perceiving the power that Cristoph (10) Christoph

one solid epicenter creating a perfect shape in three dimensional space (10) You know what I’m going to say about this.

But another side of him demanding that the mutant stay and meet the attack dead on, honor was at stake (10) demanded. Also, “ meet the attack head on – his honor was at stake”. Dead on is more of an accuracy idiom.

his fate dead on (10) Yeah.

Note: Cremation of bodies takes at least 760 degrees Celsius and can go over 1000. Even then, that would take two, maybe two and a half hours for the body to be consumed. Even then again, you’d have fragments of dry bone left over. As far as I know, the maximum temperature of Christoph’s flames should be about 1100 F, the temperature at which iron begins to glow red, which is about 593 Celsius. You overpowered Chris’ attack, even if it was charged up by 20%: That would still only make a maximum of 711-712. In no way could Lorenor have been disintegrated in a second, because if that was within Christoph’s abilities, then he would either be level 30 or in dire need of a profile re-evaluation.

next words (11) Mere technicality. ‘Oops’ was one word.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!