Embrace the Dead: Travis v. Edward

[A Nony Mouse]

It was only a few short days after his first Pagoda battle since becoming a Hierarch and already Travis Kiltias felt as though he understood exactly what it meant to be a Warrior. Over the past year, the red-haired adventurer had traveled clear across Althanas. He had visited nearly every corner of the known world yet still felt as though something were missing.

Upon one of his monthly visits to the Concordia Forest, the young man had been asked by a companion what he enjoyed most about adventuring. “Proving myself in any situation,” Travis had responded. The Dajas Pagoda had been the next step after that; a natural progression. The Pagoda allowed a man to prove himself worthy of a title, which was exactly what Travis had been looking for. He’d traveled to the Dajas Pagoda the very next day.

As the Warrior took a scroll from a nearby Ai’Bron monk, he thought back to that day and his very first battle. He had entered the imposing complex, given his name, and battled Monica. Her topsy-turvy arena had thrown him for a loop, but it had been a valuable learning experience. Even though he’d lost, that first battle had given him the basis for his own fighting style. Travis now knew he had to use his arena to his advantage, just as Monica had once done. That was his biggest weapon.

The redhead stepped through the portal to his arena and sighed with contentment as he was greeted by the familiar forest of his childhood. The Ai’Bron magic continued to amaze him; it wouldn’t matter how many times he set foot in the arena. He strolled across the clearing before him, not bothering to even watch where he set his feet. The forest was his home; nothing moved here without him knowing of it. He unfurled the scroll and read over the brief information provided about his opponent.

“Known as Edward Judorne, 32 years of age, half-blooded son of an elf, specializes in electric attacks.” Sighing, Travis looked up from the scroll. “Where would be best to hold this fight?”

As if in response to his muttered query, the unearthly voice of a monk boomed across the battleground. “Where shall I set the challenger’s entrance portal, sir?”

Choosing what section of the arena to battle in was often the deciding factor in Pagoda battles. The Hierarchs were all intimately associated with their respective fields of battle, which put them at a distinct advantage over those who were looking to take their positions. Probably the Pillars or the Roilig… the Warrior contemplated. He weighed the advantages of each before making his final decision.

“Set it in the Roilig please,” he responded with certainty. Anyone who entered that section of the arena was instantly bound by a fell magick which would slowly sap them of their energy. Both Travis and Edward would be affected and the choice would likely shorten their battle. A grim smile played on the Warrior’s lips as he adjusted his course toward the skeletal pines that marked the Roilig’s border.

Turning his thoughts toward the impending battle, Travis wondered if Edward would prove to be any challenge whatsoever. He’d heard more than a few stories about challengers who entered the Pagoda on a mere whim; the Hierarchs typically made short work of them. Tom Carraway, Travis’ last opponent, had certainly not been a pushover; the Warrior had died fighting the man.

Shudders ran down his spine, both from the memory of that fight and the fact that he had set foot on the ash-covered ground of the Roilig. He felt the magick of the place begin to leech his very lifeforce; the countdown had begun.

All he had to do was outlast his opponent and let the arena take its toll. However, that sort of fighting style seemed dishonorable to the adventurer. He would engage Edward honestly, but he doubted the half-elf would last long. “The Roilig overcomes us all,” he muttered the familiar prayer as his redwood spear swung into his hands. The familiar grooves of its shaft reassured him even as his life’s energy was sapped from him by his own arena.

[Edward Judorne]

It had been a long road that finally lead Edward to the doors of the Pagoda. The place was supposedly where the best fighters went to try to prove themselves against other fighters in a neverending tournament. Challengers from all over came to take on the fighters in this place, and although some succeeded in earning a win, most went home empty handed, and highly disappointed.

This was due to the challengers having two big disadvantages. The first was that with an actual ranking system in place, Whenever someone won against one of the ranks, they had the choice to replace them on the ladder. This meant that even the lowest rank, Warrior, always had top notch fighters on it. The other distinct disadvantage was the arena. All the ranked fighters had created a battleground they were all too familiar with. This gave made it really hard to get the drop on ranked Warriors as well.

Edward knew all this from pieces of information he had picked up here and there, and finally, after a year of preperation, he was finally ready to try placing his name amongst the best.

"Ah, Edward. Your first Warrior rank match is ready now." One of the monks said to him, as he showed the way to a portal. Edward was quite surprised that after he had waited for only an hour, the warrior had acepted his challenge. After thanking the monk, Edward headed through the portal.

When Edward arrived on the other side, he immediately felt his lifeforce getting drained by some kind of aura in the area. It wasn't just him either, there didn't seem to be anything that remained alive, save for the Warrior he had challenged, a human that went by the name of Travis Kiltias.

Normally, Edward was one to give advice in battles in order to teach his foes to fight better, but today, he promised himself that he would keep his mouth shut. after all, it seemed Travis had already formed a decent strategy.

Edward figured that until he knew a bit more about what his opponent could do, it would be suicide to rush in and attack, so instead, he just glared at his foe and unsheathed one of his rapiers.

"Ready whenever you are."

[A Nony Mouse]

“Welcome Edward,” was all Travis offered in response. The half-elf stood a full head shorter than the Warrior, but his build was very similar. He freed one of his blades from its sheath; the cold metal glinting in the sunlight belied the pallor hanging over the battlefield. The red-haired Warrior saw the effects of the Roilig begin to take their toll on Edward, immediately upon stepping through the portal his eyes had grayed. It was as if the ruined earth was draining the very color from the combatants.

He whirled the Akashima polearm in a lazy circle before him, stepping to the side as he did in order to size up his opponent. Green eyes dulled by the fell magick of the forsaken forest took in the half-blooded elf’s surroundings. Two blackened pines leaned together several yards above his head, their trunks cracked and oozing sap like open wounds. A rock jutted from the parched ground just behind his left foot, reaching out to the dark clouds overhead as if searching for some rescue from the cursed woods. Mriswiths and Liors lurked in the Roilig, but there was no sign of creatures prowling about.

The steel tip of the spear sung as Travis whirled it faster, crouching as low as he dared in a ready position. His first few attacks would likely serve to scout out Edward’s abilities, though if the half-elf surprised him he had no reservations about going all out. His leather boots carried him swiftly across the ground, their soles soon stained black from the ash coating everything. The spearpoint sliced down through the air for his opponent’s right shoulder, the force behind the attack was enough to do some harm if it slid past the elf’s defenses.

A small smile played across the Warrior’s lips as he shifted his body weight ever so slightly. Should Edward parry, the force of the spear would change; instead of a sharp point slashing into his shoulder, the man would receive the butt of the weapon crashing into his kneecap. Either way, it seemed as though Travis had the upperhand right from the start. [i]It’s all about control,[/] he thought. If he could dictate the course of the battle, he would finish off Edward in no time.

[Edward Judorne]

Edward was quick to weigh his options. On one hand, he could pull out all the stops right here, but why should he? that would be a mistake an amateur would make. Another option was to play his foe for a fool, and make let the attack hit, likely giving his foe the overconfidence that Edward was used to destroying in a heartbeat. With the arena sucking his life away, though, that was likely not a viable option either. Quickly dodging out of the way of the initial attack, Edward went for a third option, he figured that as long as he could hurt his opponent, more than his opponent could hurt him, it didn't matter how much damage he took.

Edward shot an electrical missle at his rapier, and upon seeing the polearm,s second blow coming, took the hit to the knee in order to sshoot anothe electrical missle at the body of his foe. With any luck, he could curve the missle into travis, when he tried to dodge, Either way, if that one missle hit anything metal on his opponent, Edward might have the advantage he needed.

[A Nony Mouse]

The half-elf’s concentration was impressive, Travis had to admit that. Even as the redwood shaft of his spear cracked against his opponent’s knee, an electrical bolt launched toward him. The projectile moved quickly through the air and the Pagoda Warrior barely had a chance to react.

With his feet already planted in a wide stance, the red-haired adventurer pulled to the side and tried to twist out of the way of the bolt. But his reflexes were simply no match against the speeding missile. The brunt of the attack caught him across the chest, scarring his tunic and spending him spiraling to the ground several yards away. His spear fell from spasming fingers and he gritted his teeth as he pain washed over him.

Apparently the bastard had a few tricks.

Determined not to let the surprise dictate the rest of the battle, Travis struggled to his feet. Wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, the Warrior glared daggers at his opponent. He respected the man’s display of power, but the Pagoda was made for other things in his eyes. To Travis, the Dajas Pagoda stood for contest; mighty warriors collided in tests of strength and wits. However, if Edward wanted a firefight, that’s what he’d get.

Tilting his head to the side until his neck gave a loud pop, the redhead drew his dehlar short sword from its place at his belt. The heavy blade did not flash in the fading light; rather, it seemed to feed on the fell magick of the place. Hungrily, the sword sapped Travis’ strength even as the Roilig sapped his resolve. This fight would not last much longer.

Striding forward between the twisted trunks of tortured trees, the traveler held his sword in a ready stance at his side. Edward clearly had some magical abilities and Travis wasn’t about to fall for the same trap twice. When he stood ten feet in front of his adversary, he spread his arms and stood tall.

“What else do you have for me?” he challenged.

[Edward Judorne]

It was an odd question, to be sure, just the fact that this man, Travis expected him to tell him his tricks seemed funny to Edward. He just smiled. There were plenty of things he could have told his foe about, including the special piece of armor on his cape, or his newest electrical attack, the Shock Beam, but instead he just smiled and decided to let travis know something that likely wouldn't help him battle. One thing was for sure, he wasn't about to tell his foe what other tricks he had up his sleeve.

"You know, I bet what you are really wondering is how I am able to resist the pull of whatever magic this is that's draining away at every living thing. I'm sort of wondering the same about you, actually, but as for me, it comes with the territory. I've been to places far worse than this before." Edward said, making sure to be real vague, while also keeping an eye on his opponent to make sure Travis didn't attack while he was talking.

Edward knew that his reply was an odd one, and hardly even made sense given the circumstances, but he didn't care. What he said didn't need to make sense, he was going for a win against what could prove to be an interesting opponent.

Edward stood still, staring at his foe. Surely this man didn't expect edward to get into a predictable routine, did he? If he did, he had another thing coming. This, however gave Edward an idea on how to attack next. With energy still draining from his body, Edward shot an electric missle at his opponent again, knowing full well, Travis would be ready for it. This was just a set up for his next two attacks: A swift thrust with his rapier to get himself close, and an attack to Travis's leg with his new sheath, which he'd grab off his body whilst thrusting.

[A Nony Mouse]

Is every challenger going to be this incorrigible? Travis wondered sadly. The half-elf before him babbled something about ‘being places like this before’ and then launched into another attack. The trick was a common one; engage your enemy in conversation to distract them and then attack. However, the ploy typically worked best when the conversation made sense. Edward’s words rolled off his tongue in no particular order, making Travis wonder just where this man had grown up.

The second electrical missile streaked through the heavy air and Travis nimbly sidestepped and leaned out of the way. The distance gave him ample time to then twist his sword down into Edward’s thrust and deflect the blow. But the elf’s persistence paid off. His third attack landed, nearly crippling the Pagoda Warrior with its ferocity.

His brief roar of pain cut through the otherwise deathly silent forest, alerting any other living things to the combatants’ whereabouts. As he fell to the side, Travis stuck out a hand to break his fall. His leg throbbed, but nothing seemed broken. I need to stop lamenting his manners and just finish him, the red-haired adventurer realized.

Pushing himself back to his feet, Travis noticed his palm was smeared with the black ash that dusted the Roilig. The fell forest’s diabolical powers seemed amplified through the contact and the Warrior was nearly sent to his knees as the energy drained from him with even more intensity. He had little time left.

The dehlar short sword swung through the air, cutting toward Edward’s side. The half-elf was nimble and Travis counted on him dodging easily out of the way. The attack was just to clear a path. Pushing off the ground with every ounce of strength remaining in his legs, and favoring the uninjured one, Travis pushed toward the angled trunk of a nearby tree, landing on it and finding purchase on its rough bark.

Immediately, the redhead sprang from the perch, flying up toward the dark canopy that hopelessly tried to cover the tumultuous clouds beyond. At the apex of his leap, he tucked his feet in toward his body and lashed downward with his sword. With any luck, the devastating attack would catch the already off-balance elf by surprise. A lethal blow in the Roilig ended battles; that’s what the Pagoda Warrior was counting on.

[Edward Judorne]

Edward watched his opponent carefully. In an arena that was sapping his strength by the second, the worst thing he could do was lose track of his opponent. Quickly, Edward dodged the sword that was swung to his side, and, in doing so, accidentally bumped his knee against a rock, hard.

This was the same knee that had been hit by a spear earlier, and although at that time, his leg hurt like a bitch, he was at least able to move normally. This time, though, he wasn't so lucky. His leg buckled from the pain, and he lost sight of his opponent for a split second. When he finally caught a glimpse of his opponent, he almost smiled.

His foe was coming down for a death blow too soon. Edward quickly rolled out of the way of the attack, and fired off a Shock Beam at the warrior as soon as the man landed. There had to be an end to this fight soon, or the arena would likely take them both, and seeing how Edward was unable to stand without enduring a lot of pain, the best he could hope for was to hit his foe with his best spells now.

The energy from his Shock beam was going to have to prove good enough to severely hamper his opponent during the 3 seconds he could hold the beam, otherwise he was almost guaranteed to lose.

Normally, Edward would have been able to hold the beam for 5 seconds, but with the arena sapping his strength away, anything longer than 3 seconds would have been pushing his luck. Because of this, Edward needed to find a moment of weakness in his opponent to fire it off. Upon realizing his opponent would have to take a split second to recover from the jump, Edward decided that was as good an opening as any.

"You... You're wide open." Edward said, obviously in pain as he fired the attack off.

'Then again, so am I.' Edward quietly admitted to himself.

[A Nony Mouse]

Even the air felt as if it were trying to tear into him and Travis' breath came ragged as his leather boots struck the ground. His dehlar short sword felt like a lead weight in his hands and he dropped it as the force of his impact jarred up his body. Turning his head to keep sight of his nimble opponent, the redhead saw a third electrical attack screaming toward him. There was little he could do in his prone position and so he simply dropped to the ground, hugging his knees as the assault ravaged him.

Ash kicked up by his flailing body coated him from head to foot and his ears bled from the pain. Screaming at the cursed forest, the red-haired adventurer forgot entirely about the wicked half-elf likely waiting for another chance to strike in the shadows of the twisted trees.

When does it end!? the Warrior questioned the recesses of his mind. Edward had overused his powers thus far in the battle, but the singular barrage had been effective. It was as though the traveler were trapped in his own world of pain; entirely cut off from the Roilig or the Pagoda. Eventually, the torment ended and Travis struggled to find Edward with his blurry vision.

The bastard had nearly finished him off.

No, Travis corrected himself, I wouldn't be half as bad if we'd fought anywhere but here. He had chosen to Roilig to control the tide of battle and here he was laying at its mercy. Grasping at a pouch in his belt, Travis felt his shaking fingers wrap around the smooth wooden handle of his carving knife. Keeping the sharp blade close to his wrist to conceal it, he pushed himself to his knees and crawled toward his exhausted opponent.

"F-Feeling... al- right?" he gasped as he felt the last bits of his energy sucked away by the forsaken woods. One hand reached for the folds of the elf's shirt to pull him close while the other trembled from overexertion. He just needed to pull his challenger close enough to sink the knife between his ribs. "I'll fight to the end," he whispered as he thrust toward his enemy. He wouldn't live to see the outcome.

[Edward Judorne]

Edward was stunned beyond belief. This Warrior was made of sterner stuff than he seemed. The man named Travis was a frightful sight indeed, and the arena had drained Edward to the point where it would be a struggle to move his arms, or any other part of his body for that matter. Even with this in mind, though, Edward still felt as if he had a shot.

Edward knew that this Travis guy had to be running low on steam as well. The way he spoke was a telltale sign. When Travis grabbed him, Edward only had one shot at keeping the knife from stabbing into him. Since he could not avoid it , and he was too drained to do anything else, he would have to use Tempest Tantrum before the blade reached it's target. It got even more complicated than that, though.

The arena had drained him of so much energy that he would be forced to use the full strength version of Tempest Tantrum, because anything left would ultimately fail to even go off, which likely meant that even the full powered version would go no no more than a foot out in every direction. There was also the side effect of him going unconcious after using it to consider, but this was a moment of desperation for Edward, so he decided the risk was worth it. Letting loose with everything he had, Edward's body fell limp. He, too would be unable to know the true outcome of the battle.


Edward woke up in the Medical wing of the Pagoda. One of the monks was watching over him, with a concerned expression on his face.

"Ah, good. You are finally awake. You've had us worried. It's not often we get someone in here that stays asleep for 2 days."

"Oh? Sorry about that. The backlash of the last spell I used is real nasty. that combined with the arena and the condition I was in must have been quite the system shock. Which reminds me, How's my opponent's recovery faring?"

Leave it to Edward to be concerned about any opponent he faces. LOL. In any case, this is my closing post here.

[A Nony Mouse]

He woke in the familiar stone room with several Ai’Bron monk-mages scurrying about. Although he had battled many times before, Travis was sure that he would never get used to waking up from death. It cheapens it, really, he thought. When he eventually returned to the world outside of the Pagoda, he would have to be careful not to risk too much. Out there, no Ai’Bron magic waited to snatch you from Death’s hands.

“Who won?” he asked curiously. Typically upon waking, he knew what the outcome of the battle had been. And although dying had no effect on one’s judgment, it was nice to know who had been victorious.

“It was too close to call,” answered one of the monks rushing about the room. “You’ll receive judgment when your opponent regains consciousness.

Travis left the room and returned to his personal quarters. Battling in the Roilig had not been such a great idea after all. Learn from your mistakes, Travis told himself. Battling Edward has only served to make him stronger; he would now be more ready to face the next challenger.

“You did well, Edward.”

[Ataraxis]

Quest Judging
Embrace the Dead: Travis vs. Edward

I apologize for the wait! There was trouble in the Midwest, the kind I couldn’t ignore.

But more importantly, Red is Travis, Blue is Edward!

STORY

Continuity ~

5/10. I frankly didn’t get much information about Travis. You dealt with the Pagoda-related points rather well, explaining how he became a warrior, those he fought and what he expects of his time there. As a character existing outside the world of the Pagoda, however, I almost got nothing. There was the fact that he used the forest of his childhood as an arena, but with a setting that’s perfect for continuity (making him remember certain key places in the forest that marked him as a child, expounding on his relation to the Roilig – if any – and what he knows about its strange, life-draining properties) your use of it was very minimal.

All in all, with what you gave me, I still don’t know squat Travis’ life before the Pagoda. Nothing in depth is needed, but just short references here and there to make him less of a character that exists only at the moment I read about him. On a side note, you mentioned Mriswiths and Liors. I know the former is a creature-type from the Sword of Truth and that the latter is an Australian singer. My point is, try to at least put in a minimum of descriptions when you introduce things that people might not know about, or else mentioning them in the first place is rather pointless.

3/10. The above applies to you as well, Ed. Moreover, the reason you gave for participating in this were rather generic. Granted, “placing one’s name amongst the best” is a very common reason when participating in fights and contests, but I would’ve liked to know about his motivation. He’s been preparing for this for a year, apparently, so it’s almost like the Olympics. Everyone in there competes to be the best, but each individual has a reason, like bringing pride to their country or making fun of the countries that lose.

Why does Ed compete? That’s a question to which I’ve gotten no answer, and that’s only Pagoda related. I know next to nothing about who he is or what he does, I just know he’s a guy with a sword who uses electricity to fight. That’s the extent of my knowledge on your character after an eleven-post battle. Also, don’t presume that people will know the effect of your attacks because you mentioned their names. Tempest Tantrum does not tell me it’s a spell that creates an electrical field that has a half-a-yard radius and that causes mild damage to people caught within it.

Setting ~

5/10. Well it’s a forest. Still, you were consistent in dishing out descriptions where description was due. However, they lack a certain oomph. That’s a bit due to technique and a certain dearth of rhetorical devices, because the occasional, striking metaphor would have worked wonders here. Your descriptions were also solely visual, while you could have given some attention to the smell of the forest, of the ash, the sound of the arena or the absence thereof: as in, have Travis notice that the difference between the forest of his childhood and this one was how dead and silent it was in comparison, without animals, without wind, with everything frozen in time and the like. By the by, black ash isn’t exactly black but more dark greyish with black dapples, so Travis’ soles wouldn’t quite take on that color. No points docked, though, because this being a fantasy world, ashes becoming jet black are the least of our worries.

As for interaction, you had Travis run up a slanted tree for a leap slash, but that was about it. Of course, you never ignored the life-stealing aspect of the arena, though it’s not enough to get bonus points here. If the ashes were explicitly described as the medium through which the energy was drained, and that you played with that by kicking dirt in the guy’s face or throwing him down to roll him across the clearing, then you would’ve gotten a bonus for being awesome.

2/10. I had the distinct feeling that you were lacking a setting as I read. When I reviewed your posts individually, it became clear that you had nearly nothing in this category. You had Edward bump his knee on a rock. There’s not much to work with here. I can show you parts where description would have been most useful, but otherwise I can only suggest that you have your character act not on a stage with a cheap background, but in a real, three-dimensional world that’s more than ground, rocks, trees and the sky. Even then, ground, rocks trees and the sky would have already been a substantial improvement compared to what was displayed in this battle. When you write, try seeing through Edward’s eyes, then think of everything he feels through his senses. For example: he’s in a forest (not the same forest as the one in this battle). He sees everything I’ve mentioned above, but also underbrush, fallen sticks, hollow boles, webs in the low-hanging leaves, a cliff side, mole hills, scree from a landslide. What does he smell? That sharp smell of pine trees, a waft from a nearby field of aromatic flowers, the rot from a mushroom-infested log. Do the same with hearing and, in special occasions, maybe even taste (as in, if a village has just been burned, he could smell and taste the burnt fat that travels in the air, making his lips sticky – three birds, one stone).


"Ah, Edward. Your first Warrior rank match is ready now." One of the monks said to him, as he showed the way to a portal. Edward was quite surprised that after he had waited for only an hour, the warrior had acepted his challenge. After thanking the monk, Edward headed through the portal.


When Edward arrived on the other side, he immediately felt his lifeforce getting drained by some kind of aura in the area. It wasn't just him either, there didn't seem to be anything that remained alive, save for the Warrior he had challenged, a human that went by the name of Travis Kiltias.

I expected : a description of the Citadel leading to the portal, a description of the portal, and the arena on the other side of the portal.


The arena had drained him of so much energy that he would be forced to use the full strength version of Tempest Tantrum, because anything left would ultimately fail to even go off, which likely meant that even the full powered version would go no no more than a foot out in every direction.
There was also the side effect of him going unconcious after using it to consider, but this was a moment of desperation for Edward, so he decided the risk was worth it. Letting loose with everything he had, Edward's body fell limp. He, too would be unable to know the true outcome of the battle.


Edward woke up in the Medical wing of the Pagoda. One of the monks was watching over him, with a concerned expression on his face.

I expected : a description of the Tempest Tantrum as it went into effect, or if you really went by real physics and the electric field wasn’t visible, then a description of the effects it would have on the surroundings. This being fantasy, though, a big flashy Electromagnetic Pulse straight out of Hollywood would’ve worked quite well. In any case, you only told us what he did. Show us. Show the reader what he did, how he did it, and what happened when he did. Reading ‘He used his Tempest Tantrum and fainted’ isn’t as descriptive as ‘before the knife could tear into his chest, Edward mustered every ounce of power he had left into his final act. The hair on his arms bristled to a stand as blue sparks jolted about his skin, until the accumulated energy was all unleashed in dome of blinding light.” Corny, perhaps, but it at least feels more adequate to read.

Pacing ~


6.5/10. Beside the fact that it ended rather abruptly, I enjoyed how you paced things throughout the battle. The part where Travis crawls back to stab Edward was especially nice. You also knew how to play your weaknesses rather well, and made taking hits something of an art. The battle itself, being rather basic and lacking any sort of interaction that could really hook a reader, is what mainly brought down the score.

3.5/10. Your posts were sometimes too short, and you often spent most of them describing at length his train of thought and various options before actually making a move. This gets in the way of the livefeel of a battle. When I read those paragraphs, Edward might as well have stopped time, gone to sit on a rock to mull things over a minute or two, then come back and go on with the fight. Yes, describing the thought process (or not having time to think) can be good devices to play with the tension and to show in just how much crap the character is, but it seemed more like you were writing everything you could think of to make the reader feel as if Edward is this incredible strategist who can think all of that in what should be the fraction of a second. In any case, it slowed things down and actually killed the tension, because it detracts from the fight itself. A paragraph should contain a train of thought in narrative, yes, but the train of thought shouldn’t make up the bulk of three to four paragraphs. That’s overkill.

Pacing is something that’s very depending on how well you feel it while writing. Still, I suggest that you reread your post right after you’re done with it, then ask yourself ‘does this feel like a battle should feel?’ Imagine your favourite fight scene from a movie and how it gets you all riled up. Does that post feel anything like it? It obviously won’t be the same, but it should at least have you on edge. Also, do understand that I’m not asking that you write this like a movie, because that will likely not work. There are just tricks to the trade to make your writing have the desired effect on the reader, tricks that you learn the more you work on your writing.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~

5.5/10. There wasn’t really much, and what was there didn’t exactly shine. However, it didn’t feel like the dialogue of everyday Joe, nor did it feel like the lines from a Saturday morning children’s show. It’s funny how you changed the American clichéd ‘What else ya got’ into the medieval-fantasy ‘What else do you have for me’. In any case, you could try by showing more of his emotions through his dialogue. My main impression is that he states rather matter-of-factly the situation he’s in, or what’s best in that situation. “It’s all about control”, “I need to stop lamenting manners and just finish him”, “No, it wouldn’t be half as bad if we’d fought anywhere but here”, etc. It’s not emotionless, but it’s missing a bit of Travis’ personality. It’s not generic, but it’s not particular either. I don’t know if he’s the sarcastic kind with dark humor, but I think something along those lines would work for him quite well.

4/10. I’ll ignore the dialogue with the monks (which wasn’t really stellar, but that’s okay) and focus on Edward. That thing he said to distract Travis? Even if you claim it was meant to make no sense, it didn’t look like the linguistic mess of a guy who wants to make a linguistic mess. It felt forced, not by him, but by you. If you wanted him to speak erratically, that way was far from the best, and I think you knew that and thus tried to cover it up a bit. In any case, beside one or two other lines, there wasn’t much in the way of dialogue. I did get that he’s the kind to care about people he shouldn’t even consider caring about from his last line, which gives toy a small boost in score here. Try reading his lines to yourself, and ask yourself if it sounds awkward or not. If it does, and it wasn’t supposed to, then work with it until you have it right. Try working his personality in his dialogue as well, a bit like you did in your last line.

Action ~

7/10. Other than fighting realistically, playing your weaknesses and taking calculated risks, I really enjoyed the neck cracking. I rarely ever see people crack their necks anymore. Yes, this is a very weird praise. On another note, I was surprised at how surprised Travis was when Ed got him with an electric spell. Heck, the guy read right before the battle that it was Ed’s specialty. Of course, he thinks battles should be mano a mano, sword to sword and the like, but he should be smart enough to know that people are going to use all of their assets to get a win, especially since Travis, as a Hierarch, has the home court advantage.

4.5/10. You know, it seems Edward always has the time to think of every little angle, of every little option, and then can seamlessly use the best course of action in record time? In the time it took Travis to strike with his polearm, Ed charged his sword with an electric spell, then shot an electric missile as he took the hit. On top of all, you forgot to write the crucial action that would lead to Ed getting his knee busted, that is, blocking the hit from the bladed tip of Travis’ polearm. Later on, you did take into account the additional damage to that knee, which is commendable.

However, even if you kept referring to Edward getting weaker, he sure didn’t seem like he was. How many times did he use the electric missile? Once to charge his rapier, another to hit Travis in the chest, and another as a distraction before he came up and struck him with both the rapier and the sheath. Now, according to your profile, he’s drained after three uses. Then, how did he manage to use, not only the Shock Beam for the full three seconds, then the Tempest Tantrum at full power to keep from it backfiring, while he’s already so enfeebled by that life-draining field? In these conditions, he shouldn’t even have been able to shoot all three electric missiles.

Persona ~

5/10.I can’t say I got a lot of personality from either of your characters. Travis seemed to stay within a consistent behaviour, while Edward was a bit erratic, showing a good amount at a time, close to nothing at another, or a personality that doesn’t really fit his character at other rarer times. I guess all I can suggest to help is for ANM to bring it out more of Travis, and for Ed to even things out a bit more, for, well, Ed. Bringing out the personality more couldn’t hurt in your case, either.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~

6/10. A nice, flowing style. It’s got good descriptions, and is enough to pull the reader in a bit. With a different story and an actual plot, you could probably work wonders here, if you remember to include more literary devices to spice things up.

4.5/10. It’s a bit hectic, and at times it looks more like you’re writing a draft of what should happen in a post than the actual post. Basically, that means that you seem to write things down as you think them, without putting yourself in Edward’s shoes beforehand (or just putting on one of his shoes). That gives off a dissipated atmosphere to your writing, where one sentence links to another somewhat crudely like water-warped pieces from a puzzle. Work on making it read more like a book than thoughts thrown onto paper. Take your time with it, spend a few more minutes than you usually do to make a sentence flow better, sound better, look better. Eventually, you’ll find out that the pieces fit a lot better than they did before.

Mechanics ~

8.5/10. Very few mistakes, with only a few stumbles due to punctuation. There were a few places that could’ve done well with a period or semi-colon instead of a comma, because the idea of each segment were different enough to warrant something stronger than a comma. Some of those can be found in the annexed notes.

6/10. Quite a lot of typos and strange syntax. Most of those can be found in the annexed notes.

Clarity ~

9/10. Almost spic and span clear. Some of the actions could’ve been slightly clearer, but that’s almost nitpicking.

8/10. Typos and the like got in the way, but it was simple enough that there wasn’t much that could confuse me.


MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~

5/10. It was good writing, and enjoyable to read. The battle itself wasn’t exactly special, so I couldn’t give you any higher here.

3/10. Despite how harsh I might’ve been, I’ve read your writing before and I do think you’ve improved quite a bit. With a better plot and more time to shine, you could’ve easily gotten more.


TOTAL ~

62.5/100.

43.5/100.

A Nony Mouse wins!


EXP Rewards

Travis Kiltias gains: 1100 XP!

Edward Judorne gains: 300 XP!

GP Rewards

I’ll get back to you guys about this, to check up on modifiers and boni that I wouldn’t know about.


FINAL NOTES

Congratulations, men, and keep using the Pagoda!





This gave made it really hard to get the drop on ranked Warriors as well. (2) This made it really hard

Note: You’d think that upon going through a portal, the first thing you’d notice would be the surroundings, and then the energy-draining aura. However, you completely omitted the Setting there.

The red-haired Warrior saw the effects of the Roilig begin to take their toll on Edward, immediately upon stepping through the portal his eyes had grayed. (3) a semi-colon instead of the comma, a comma between ‘portal’ and ‘his’. OR: “(…)take their toll on Edward, for his eyes had grayed immediately upon stepping through the portal.”

Mriswiths and Liors lurked in the Roilig (3) I remember Mriswiths being from the Sword of Truth series, but the only Lior I know of is an Australian singer. Either way, you need to describe what these things you introduced are, or else mentioning them is useless. Also, I’m not one to dock points for using ideas from published authors, especially since you’re not making money out of this, but still be wary of that.

their soles soon stained black from the ash coating everything (3) I don’t remember ashes being particularly black. Greyish, with dapples of white and black, maybe.

[i]It’s all about control,[/] (3) Quickly look over your posts in case of coding problems like this
and make let the attack hit (4) and let the attack hit
that Edward was used to destroying in a heartbeat (4) I’m not sure what you meant. That Edward was used to being destroyed in a heartbeat?

Note: In that post, you never actually said you blocked the tip to let the butt-end strike your knee. You only mentioned a second blow

polearm,s (4) polearm’s
sshoot (4) shoot
anothe (4) another
electrical missle (4) missile

This was a pretty short post, so I wonder why you didn’t double-check to see these obvious typos.

With any luck, he could curve the missle into travis, when he tried to dodge, Either way, if that one missle hit anything metal on his opponent, (4) missile, Travis, semi-colon instead of the comma between ‘dodge’ and ‘either’, ‘any metal’ or ‘anything metallic’

and spending him spiraling (5) sending him spiraling

Edward clearly had some magical abilities and Travis wasn’t about to fall for the same trap twice. (5) Didn’t he read a letter describing Edward as specializing in electric attacks? That sentence reads as if that jolt of electricity came as a total surprise.

It was an odd question, to be sure, just the fact that this man, Travis expected him to tell him his tricks seemed funny to Edward. (6) I suggest rereading each sentence you complete and focus on both typos and the punctuation. “It was an odd question, to be sure; just the fact that this man, Travis, expected (…)” Or you could put a period instead of a semi-colon to get two sentences.
decided to let travis (6) Travis
knowing full well, Travis would be ready for it (6) knowing full well that Travis
two attacks: A swift thrust (6) two attacks: a swift thrust
lost sight of his opponent for a split second. When he finally caught a glimpse of his opponent, (8) repeated word, opponent. Try to vary the nouns.

Note: I wanted to comment on how easily you had Edward dodge Travis’ finisher, but I have to admit that the time between the hit that put Edward off balance and the moment Travis jumped off the tree would be long enough for Ed to recover his poise. Also, that time would be enough for Ed to realize that the only attack that could come from Travis’ actions is a diving slash, which is avoidable as long as you’re somewhat prepared for it.

the blade reached it's target (10) its

Note: You should know I have no idea what the Tempest Tantrum is by its name alone. I had to look at your profile to understand what kind of an attack it was other than a point-blank range electrical spell of some sort. You also skipped on describing the attack, so it’s a basic case of telling instead of showing as you should.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!