Never Take Friendship Personal: Travis v. Jessie

[A Nony Mouse]

Pagoda Warrior Travis Kiltias was a sight.

His steel italic helm rested proudly atop his full head of curly red hair which framed his face in the fading light. A grim smile adorned his fair-skinned face, showing his dedicated resolve to the battle that lay before him. His chainmail links clinked lightly as he shifted his weight from one booted foot to the other. A slight breeze blew from behind him; moist from the river which raged many feet below. He stood mere inches from the sharp drop-off, though he barely gave the danger a single thought. His mind was focused on one thing only; Jessie.

No much time had passed since his first Pagoda battle but the Warrior felt as if he had fought Monica ages ago. He had been a completely different person back then. He had entered the Pagoda eager to prove himself to the famous fighters in the Hierarchy above him and summarily had those dreams crushed. The likes of Godhand Striker and Joshua Cronen wouldn't take notice of a mere challenger! And so the traveler had settled down to earn his place in their ranks and fight one of them. He'd prove that he was noteworthy if it was the last thing he did.

And this 'Jessie' was just one more obstacle between him and that goal. A scroll tucked into his belt carried the challenger's vital information; 20 years of age, staff fighter, tall and lanky. This battle would be a test of skill between two fighters training with the same weapon. A genuine smile replaced the stoic look on Travis' face as he ran his fingers along the redwood staff of his spear. He lived for moments like these.

Battling Jessie would help him gauge his own abilities; if he could best a fighter skilled in the staff, he would be ready to face the Masters above him in the Pagoda Hierarchy. Victory in this battle would prepare him for Joshua Cronen or Godhand Slayer. The Warrior tightened his damascus bracers on his forearms and checked the straps on his steel greaves. All that he had left to do was to wait for Jessie to arrive in his arena.

With the setting sun silhouetting him as he proudly arched his back atop the cliff, Travis Kiltias cleared his mind. He fell into communion with the nature spread before him, allowing himself to sense everything happening within the woods. He'd know when Jessie arrived. And then the true test would begin.

[The Forgotten]

Nothing more than a slip of paper. One small piece of parchment was all that stood between the tall, lanky man and a fragment of his past self. Like many things in this world called Althanas, the Dajas Pagoda sparked an image in the back of his mind. He was fighting here, but he wasn’t fighting. There was a red-haired woman, a raven-haired girl, and finally a red-haired man. His body felt different then, more like how he felt in Jessica’s form yet still different.

Now, brown-hair slicked back by a bout of spring spit, he didn’t know what to think. His loose denim pants brushed quietly together as he strode down the road toward the grand Dajas Pagoda. A deep red shirt fell over his shoulders; he was far from filling it out in many ways. Only the solid oak staff in his left hand kept him from trembling. Fighting for sport wasn’t something he normally did, or at least that’s what he thought. It was so hard to remember anything any longer than the past few weeks.

Why did certain names sound familiar? Why did the name “Travis Kiltias” bring about such a sense of unsettlement? Perhaps this fight would tell him that. The doors to the pagoda loomed overhead and a brick slowly ground its way down his throat. It was more imposing than he expected it to be. His hands found the heavy steel handles and pulled… then pulled harder. The door slowly swung open from his effort.

“Excuse me, but where can I find this ‘Travis Kiltias’?”

His voice was unusually steady for stepping foot into such a strange environment. Normally it would have cracked at least twice and he would have stammered a few times. Peculiar that it didn’t, but still unnerving. Was it magic? Maybe the monks were tired of scared challengers stuttering all the time.

“Ah, you must be Jessie.” One of the orange-clad figures said after a few moments of awkward silence. “He is right through that door framed by trees.”

“Ah, thank you very much.”

Who would have thought that shy, reserved Jessie would go from hunting ancient artifacts to willfully fighting another human in the span of the same day? Goons of a nameless, faceless “evil” were one thing. They were never expected to succeed. This… this was different. Was this what the gladiators in Rome felt like?

Wait… Rome? Where is that? I’ve never seen Rome on any maps before.

The hangover from earlier was gone now, but the thought still made his head hurt. Lots of things seemed to like hurting his head nowadays. Whatever it meant, he walked up to the tree-framed door and paused. One deep breath later, he grasped the handle and released the latch. It swung open easily compared to the heavy main doors. A verdant forest stood on the other side, lush and full of life. A smirk crossed Jessie’s face as a thought flitted through his mind. He was going to pull a little prank.

Walking through the doorway, he could feel a thin film of the portal sending him to somewhere else. It took more concentration than usual, but it was fun to pull off when all was said and done. On one side of the portal, Jessie entered. On the other side, a slightly shorter arm exited. The skin was smoother than what entered, and a pair of mildly small breasts came through that were not there before. Long pink hair waved lightly in the fresh breeze and red eyes smiled at the gentle atmosphere.

“Oh Travis… where are you?”

A distinctly feminine voice rang out clearly through the pristine air. “Jessica” was different from Jessie in a few ways, but one similarity they shared was in the mind. It took a lot of getting used to the fact that he could turn into a girl at will. It should also be noted that the first week after that discovery wasn’t a very productive one. (And no, it was not because of what just ran through your mind, perverts! Learning to control the change and learning life as a girl took more time than he expected it to!)

“Come out, come out, wherever you are…”

The oaken staff alone remained unchanged, held behind her back in the crook of her elbows. What would Travis say to fighting a girl when he thought he was fighting a man? Jessica could only wonder and smile.

[A Nony Mouse]

Green eyes snapped open in surprise. The lifeforce that had just entered his arena was female. “Perhaps there’s been some mistake,” the Warrior mused quietly. He yanked the scroll from its place in his belt and scanned the words printed there. Well, they make no mention of gender specifically… Rolling the parchment up, he thrust it back into his belt and gripped the shaft of his Akashima spear tighter. Already he was learning from this battle; don’t make assumptions.

It would be just like the Ai’Bron monks to lead him to false assumptions; though robed men kept the Pagoda in working order, they enjoyed playing mind games with the Hierarchs whenever they could. It was a constant struggle between the brawn of the Warriors and the brains of the Ai’Bron; both parties enjoyed the stand-off. Smiling at the monks’ mischief, the red-haired adventurer shook his head.

With a renewed resolve, Travis Kiltias strode away from the edge of the cliff and made for the dense woods in front of him. His armor allowed for free range of motion and hindered his mobility only slightly. He slowed his pace when he reached the tree line, peering into the woods for a clue as to his enemy’s whereabouts.

The challenger had surprised him once already and he vowed not to let it happen again. “I can’t underestimate her,” he reminded himself in a low voice. With that in mind, he once again allowed the forest to slip into his mind, becoming one with his arena. Immediately he sensed movement; Jessie. A smile played on the Warrior’s lips once again as he felt the adrenaline begin to course through his veins. “The hunt begins,” he whispered to the woods.

[The Forgotten]

Jessica had never been much of a nature buff, but even the man-turned-girl could appreciate the wonders of the world in its raw beauty. The crisp breeze flowing from all around washed over her smooth skin and created sinuous waves in the lush grass underfoot. It was breathtakingly beautiful, but it wasn’t exactly the first place she’d choose to live.

Yet underneath it all, there was a silence. Life abounded everywhere, but no matter how perfect the illusion was, it was still a dead place. There were no animals, no birds, no insects. Nothing moved save the wind and its wiles. It was the liveliest dead place she had ever visited. Perhaps it was for the better that blood was going to be spilt on this ground.

Slipping the long pole through one of her belt loops (which it barely fit into), the slim girl took a few steps back before running up the sloped trunk of a tree that should have been a few hundred years old. Her shoes found solid traction on the rough bark, and the climb was fairly easy. Fifteen feet up, she gazed around and up farther still; the majesty of the place was still weighing on her soul.

“Hoo… Hoo~”

Hands cupped over her mouth produced a rather crude owl call if only out of boredom. Sure the warriors could control where their contestants entered, but why in the world did Travis start so far away from her? It was like he was afraid, or maybe he didn’t want to fight. No, all warriors loved to fight; he just wanted to play mind games with her.

A few minutes later, staff held firmly in her hands, Jessica sat on a thick branch overlooking the area the portal had placed her facing. She was stoic and silent, but that probably wouldn’t help; everybody and their brother seemed to have some sort of sixth sense about where intruders were. He wouldn’t go so far as to start her looking the wrong way, would he? It was a possibility. Sparing a glance over her shoulder, there was nothing that set back apart from ahead. It would be terribly easy to get lost in a place like this.

Is this how a warrior treats a guest? I should be offended.

[A Nony Mouse]

Like a wolf stalking wounded prey, Travis raced through the woods in search of the woman who had challenged him. The woods called out to him as he fly through it, guiding his steps and determining which course he should take. In mere minutes, the Warrior arrived near a large tree and saw his opponent waiting on a branch, her legs dangled over either side. Pink hair flowed from her head, mingling with the leaves of the great tree as the breeze tousled them both.

“Did you come for a fight or for the scenery?” Travis called out to her as he planted his feet in a defensive pose. The Pagoda was not a place for everyone; only the most serious challengers were given audience in the arenas of the greatest Warriors. Why then had the Ai’Bron monks allowed this girl to come into his battlefield?

Don’t underestimate her, Travis reprimanded himself. In fact, he had made the same mistake in his very first Pagoda battle against the fierce Warrior Monica. He had since vowed to not make the same mistake… and here he was about to fall into that trap.

Gripping the redwood shaft of his spear tightly, the red-haired adventurer readied for a vicious encounter. Only one would emerge the victor from the tranquil forest; such was the way of the Pagoda.

[The Forgotten]

Hurried footsteps turned Jessica’s attention from the sky to her right; clearly this man was impatient to get the fight over and done with. From his pace, he was quick on his feet. From his pace, he would be tired coming into the battle. You see, even though the prospect of getting lost was clearly one good reason to avoid venturing into the depths of the wood, just the fact that he came to her was part of a partially-formed plan. After all, who could honestly fight at their peak after running that hard for any length of time? Walking would have been much more reasonable.

The red-haired warrior spoke, clearly mocking the fact that she was a girl. Oh if only he knew the truth. He would regret his decision rather quickly if she had anything to say about it. Which she did. She had quite a lot to say to Travis. The problem other men experienced usually came with the delivery, and this time was no different than any other: she was going to beat the lesson into him.

Rising to a stand on top of the branch, she hardly waited for him to finish speaking before she began the lesson. Hopping back a small ways, the pink-haired lass caught her right hand on the bark of the branch to slow her fall then planted the staff into the ground with both hands. The sturdy oaken shaft sunk a small bit into the moderately hard dirt, but it still served its purpose of allowing her to land softer than otherwise.

In keeping with her planned pace, she immediately grabbed the staff by the exposed end and used it as a pivot. Her other hand lightly grasped the center of the staff and slid along the smooth-sanded surface with all her might. The staff fallowed a vertical arcing path from the ground toward Travis’ head. The overhead strike wasn’t as strong as something Jessie could throw down, but it was enough to easily rattle his armored head. Or shoulder. Shoulders were nice, too. It was hard to fight with a wounded shoulder.

There was no smile anywhere on her face now; all niceties had been placed aside when the Warrior insulted Jessie’s female form. It was almost too natural to fight back after hearing that through Jessica’s ears. No smile, but a clear smirk; just one corner of her mouth raised.

“I came for you. The scenery’s just a bonus!”

[A Nony Mouse]

The elaborate move was showy, too showy. When Jessie hopped down from her perch in the tree, Travis’ instincts told him to get moving. He sidestepped once as his opponent’s feet hit the ground next to her staff. As she readied her attack, the Pagoda Warrior dove to the side and tucked his body into an awkward somersault. His enemy’s polearm smacked the ground where he had just been, kicking up plenty of dust to cover his clunky roll. Armor made for unattractive acrobatic maneuvers, but Travis cared little as long as he stayed alive.

Though he had never fought this particular adversary before, the red-haired adventurer felt the familiar stave fighting techniques coming back to him. If the two exchanged blows in close quarters, the battle could get ugly. Best keep her at a distance, he told himself. Pulling out of the somersault as Jessie recovered behind him, Travis turned to face his foe.

His left hand slid to the butt of the spear while his right arm cocked back. As he swung the spear around, he allowed his hands to slide together in order to add momentum on the swing. The steel tip whistling through the still air of the too-quiet forest would slash Jessie’s side unless she moved or blocked. Travis hoped her footwork was up to par; it would be a shame for the battle to end too quickly.

After all, there was a certain thrill in the fight.

[The Forgotten]

If anything, the battle wouldn’t be boring. Jessica had tried her best to change her overhead swing when Travis rolled to the side, but she was far too committed to the strike to make the kind of alterations necessary to hit her mobile target. At least she could be comfortable with the fact that he wasn’t stupid. A stupid person would have tried to block, and consequentially would have found their arms stunned for a moment from the shock of impact.

Her recovery was smooth; rather than flinging the staff’s weight around, she took two quick steps toward the end that hit the leaf-littered ground and readjusted her grip to take the new position into account. The red-haired warrior was an armored snake with a single steel tooth in her eyes, but as much as snakes made her cringe, this one was going to be fun to roast on a spit.

Because he could actually fight back.

It was a lateral swing; easily more powerful than her own strike simply because the man had more muscle than she did. That meant little to the pink-haired challenger, though. She had proved her point many times to men much stronger than this fool. With its tip still stuck in the dirt, Jessica planted her foot rigidly against the “base” and slid her hand up the shaft as she leaned into the spear-strike. Redwood racked against oak, but neither yielded. The spearhead slid down toward the ground along the smooth shaft of the girl’s staff thanks to the angle she placed on her guard. Only a moment after the impact, her left foot was already flying toward her enemy’s close elbow. It would be a singularly painful experience if it connected, more so if it managed to break the important joint.

There were no stops left to pull.

[A Nony Mouse]

warning for me :(
She moved quickly and Travis was almost caught unaware by her flying kick toward his elbow. Her strategy was commendable; every attack had lethal intent behind it. Narrowing his eyes, the Pagoda Warrior swung his arm into the attack, attempting to meet her foot halfway. The kick struck his bracer, sending his arm flying back in the direction it had come. She continued in the move, using her momentum to her advantage; Travis had to admit, she was good.

The tip of the spear drug across the ground as he leapt back a few steps to give himself an opportunity to breathe. With a flick of his wrist, the red-haired adventurer brought his weapon back into his firm grip. The steel links of his chainmail clinked together gently as they settled from his sudden movement. The combatants locked eyes; the next few moves would dictate the course of the battle.

He lunged for her side, the butt of the spear digging a furrow in the hard dirt before catching and holding his weight. Leaning into the shaft of the weapon, he used it to force his body higher into the air. As his booted feet lashed out for her head, he yanked the polearm from the ground and pivoted with inhuman dexterity. In a punishing overhead blow, the spear whipped through the air to come down from above toward his opponent’s shoulder. Travis’ body was nearly folded in two, but the dual-front attack would be difficult to block or avoid. Jessie clearly was holding nothing back and Travis felt he had to respond in kind.

She deserved him at his best.

[The Forgotten]

If the pagoda warrior had the capability to read minds, he most certainly would not enjoy the thoughts that ran through Jessica’s head in the moments during and after her foot connected with his arm. There was the rattle of metal on metal around his torso when his body shook from the impact which triggered the thought, “Chainmail?” Then he jumped back to give himself breathing room which made her think, “Getting tired already?”

And then there was the embodiment of his incomprehensible absurdity. He took a step forward, dug the butt end of his spear in the ground, and did something that no sane man would be caught doing if he valued his life. There was a mighty vaulting leap, boots flying out toward a head that was no longer standing where it should have been, and a last desperate attempt to salvage something that had just spelled the doom of Travis Kiltias.

You see, Jessica was neither blind nor stupid. She also knew a few things about the laws of physics, even if she didn’t know them by that name. First, unless you were a winged being, anytime your feet left the ground you instantly became unable to change your direction until your feet touched down again. Secondly, what went up always came back down unless you were an aforementioned winged being, and then the “coming down” part was purely optional. Third… jumping at someone in a fight was about the dumbest thing you could do.

Jessica figured out Travis’ intentions about when his feet left the ground. She then stepped twice to her left as soon as she understood that getting out of the way would be a very smart thing to do. The two epiphanies came almost simultaneously, which meant that she was easily clear of both the kick and the swing. Dead leaves rustled and crinkled as she quickly moved into his rather side blind-spot. He was still recovering from his landing when her leg fired out again, this time at a different and much more reachable target. His knee. If he had any amount of weight on it at all, the rather important joint would buckle in quite the wrong direction and effectively end the fight.

A vapor mixed between purple and black surrounded her right hand once her foot stopped moving. The challenger’s left hand reached out to secure the warrior’s helm and keep him from turning his head. From the palm of her right hand, the mist solidified into a twelve-inch stiletto dagger, honed to a very sharp point.

“Concede the match and I won’t kill you. Make one wrong twitch, and I’ll pierce your heart.”

She placed the point of her Æether dagger to his exposed neck just hard enough to draw a little blood. Chainmail was notorious for having an open neck area for the wearer to slip his head through, but her dagger followed the mold of blades designed specifically to pierce chain links. It was like he was wearing no armor at all.

_______________
Warning for me.

[A Nony Mouse]

The red-haired Warrior saw the folly of his action when his feet struck the dirt and Jessie’s kick was coming barreling toward him. As fast as he could move, she had read his movements correctly; there was little he could do. Travis did manage to twist his stance ever so slightly as he recovered from his lunge and when her foot connected with his knee, it did not buckle the joint backward. However, it instead snapped a ligament and caused the fighter to buckle over on his side; convulsions ripping through him as his brain cried out in shock.

Tears welled the corners of his eyes, but the adventurer knew he had little time for self-pity. Yanking at a pouch on his belt, the Pagoda Warrior drew a sharp carving knife and rolled over onto his stomach. Jessie’s hand closed on his helm, preventing him from turning his head, but he continued forward in his army crawl. Determination etched across his face, he struggled valiantly forward.

Clods of grass grew intermittently through the forest, mingling with the low-growing ferns and moss to create a patchwork quilt on the ground. Grasping the gnarled root of a nearby tree for support, Travis drug himself up to his good knee and looked up into the face of his opponent.

A cruel sneer carved her otherwise delicate features and a slim blade appeared mystically into her hand. Travis readied his own blade, but she was at his throat faster than he thought possible. She asked him to concede…

We’re in the Pagoda, his mind reminded him. There is only death here. With teeth gritted and heart racing, Travis Kiltias used his last remaining strength to close the distance between the two fighters quickly. He felt her dagger slip into him, tearing its way closer and closer to his heart, but adrenaline drove his actions. He had seconds, but time had slowed to an imperceptible crawl for him. His fingers tightened on the hilt of his own knife, the familiar patternwork in the leather familiar beneath his palm. The metal of the blade shone in the light filtering through the trees, creating its own pattern along its length. Time was his; the battle was still his.

His vision faded, but instinct guided his hand the remaining inches to her neck. He imagined his blade slashing through her major arteries, blood spilling and mingling with his own; the two combatants locked close as their lifeblood dripped away. A smile formed on his nearly lifeless lips before he faded into blackness, but he wouldn’t know if his desperation attack had hit. Thus was the way of the Pagoda.

~~

“I don’t want to know,” the Warrior mumbled as he came awake from his deathsleep. The monks protested at first, but they eventually left him alone and went about their business. It was customary for the Ai’Bron to fill in their charge on the outcome of the battle, but Travis Kiltias had no desire to find out. They would serve their judgment regardless and then perhaps he could leave the accursed Pagoda. Death, even the cheap death that one found in the Pagoda, had a way of changing a man.

The door to the small cell swung open and a tall monk strode in, looking directly at Travis with his hawklike glare. “Master Kiltias?” he intoned.

“Warrior Kiltias,” the redhead corrected him.

The austere monk glanced once at the parchment in his hands and then turned his gaze back to the recovering combatant before him. “No,” he corrected with a shake of his head. “Master, sir.” He handed the scroll over to Travis and left as quickly as he had arrived.

Dear Warrior Kiltias,

It is our pleasure to inform you that you have been selected to move up in the Hierarchy due to an opening in the Master ranks. We have watched you battle over the course of the last few weeks and we have selected you alone from the Warrior ranks to fill the shoes of Dan Lagh’ratham. Please report to the lobby as soon as you are able. The judgment of your latest battle is irrelevant; Jessica will take your place regardless of the outcome.

Signed,
Office of the Grandmaster

Travis rose from the stone slab were he rested and crumpled the note in his fist. Perhaps he would stick around these accursed halls a bit longer…

[The Forgotten]

Even the most carefully-laid plan can go wrong. This fact was especially true when said plan involved another person who wasn’t necessarily willing or wanting the plan to succeed. Like a volcano preparing for one last eruption, Travis wasn’t going to let go of his life… or pride, it seemed, so easily.

The kick was wonderful, but being less-practiced with it meant that her aim was slightly off to compensate for his sudden and unexpected twist. The sick tearing sound was only slightly disconcerting; there were many things that Jessie had done that made his stomach churn with long-forgotten wretches. The sound of ligament tearing away from bone and muscle was one of those things that he knew should have left him vomiting yesterday’s breakfast, but there was something about being in Jessica’s body that suppressed that urge.

Travis tried to crawl away, but even her hand on his helmet wasn’t enough to stop him. His arm moved, but the challenger’s mind was focused solely on the end of the battle. Her blade pressed up against the base of his neck. He turned, revealing a dagger soaring toward her. Her right arm straightened, sliding the blade cleanly down, through muscle, lungs, and finally into his heart. He wouldn’t feel much more than a small prick.

She couldn’t say the same for the dagger lashing at her throat. Though the two blades were similar, the method of execution was quite different. A professional’s near-bloodless strike versus the last ravages of a dying man. Fire erupted from her neck and spread to her skull while ice flowed through her limbs. Black-purple mist swirled around her hand again before dispersing; the blade was no longer protruding from her palm. Red liquid gushed from the severed artery in time with her weakening heart, each spout just a little smaller than the last. Darkness closed in from the corners of her consciousness. The feeling of life left her limbs. One last… breath.

From just outside the tangible realm of the imaginary arena, two brown-clad monks rushed in through the magically-woven tapestry. They went to work closing the worst of the injuries and preparing the greatest of their legendary prowess. There was a sound, a flash, and Jessica bolted upright in a hospital gown. Her entire body was sore. Not bedsores, but the exhaustion that went with meeting death and being caught in the struggle of life between the Monks and the Reaper himself. As her eyes adjusted to the brightly-lit room, she noticed that the cot beside hers was empty as though its former occupant had left mere minutes ago. There was no doubt in her mind that she had died first, but first death was not the measure of a victor.

“Sir Jessie, Madame Jessica?” A younger monk knocked on the doorframe before walking in, holding a rolled up scroll. “Ah, I see it is the Lady Jessica now. You are quite an enigma, you know. Your spirit almost seemed to be more comfortable drifting about than in your own body, but that is another matter. I am here to inform you of news.”

He unrolled the scroll and scanned the first couple lines before speaking up again.

“Many factors influenced this decision including your fight with the warrior Travis Kiltias, your known history on Scara Brae, and a divination of your future. The proprietors of this arena have found you fit to claim the title of Warrior of the Pagoda. When you are recovered, we will ask you for an arena that you will call your own and begin sending challengers your way. It will be your decision as to how you deal with them, but do remember that this is a place of training as much as it is a place of sport. We wish you good fortune in your future here at the Pagoda.”

Pink hair bunched itself up under Jessica’s head as she lay back down. Her glassy red eyes closed slowly and her chest slowly heaved up and down.

“I take it… this means I won…” she sighed and folded her hands underneath her head. “I guess the question now becomes… where do I go from here?”

“That is-”

“Sorry, just thinking out loud. I’ll be ready in a little bit. Don’t worry.”

A warrior of the Pagoda. Well, there went the plans to see the world. Or something like that. Plans to see the world… did she even have those? Probably. Probably locked away in that black space that contained everything about her past. At least this would be a source of income for a time.

[Skie and Avery]

Battle Judging
Never Take Friendship Personal: Travis vs. Jessie

Travis is in Sienna
Jessie is in Magenta

STORY

Continuity
7
4 I never really knew why your character was at the Pagoda and just why they went through these gender changes. These are things that really need to be clarified in a thread.

Setting
5 You didn't use your own arena to your advantage, and I felt as if the knowing what gender of person walks into it is a little contrived if you don't explain how you could know that a bit better.
4 There were things you did here (like climbing a tree with no mention of using your hands, only the traction of your feet, and then doing some weird ass ... thing... to jump down from it.) that didn't make sense to me. When you use the setting in a thread, you have to be believable.

Pacing
7
7

CHARACTER

Dialogue
6
6
The dialogue in this thread was flat, and at times uninspiring. Forgotten, I wish you had explained just how the line "Did you come for a fight or for the scenery?" came across as sexist to your character. I didn't see it at all.

Action
6
5 There was one point where your character grabbed Travis' helmet and held a dagger to his neck, claiming to have sliced into it enough to draw blood. These are the kinds of moves that need to be discussed with your partner and then written with a "bunny approved" message either at the beginning or end of your post or somewhere in Travis'. Usually I don't sweat small things like that even without the heads up that there was an approval, but Travis' next post had him writing as if he would have not taken that sort of control on your part if he'd been given the chance.

Persona
6
7

WRITING STYLE

Technique
7
6 You have the potential to be a really great writer, keep it up. FYI, I'd stay away from little asides in your writing calling the reading base perverts, unless you're going for a more personal, humorous style. It didn't tie in well with the rest of the writing style you used.

Mechanics
7
6

Clarity
8
7

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card
5
7

TOTAL
64
60

A Nony Mouse gains 1100 EXP and 200 GP
The Forgotten gains 300 EXP

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!