Bloody Nights 1. (Open to one)

[Mutant_Lorenor]

(Closed)


Radasanth by night. Many wonders lurked through this realm of darkness, coming out only when the shadows were present. One of these wonders was a mutant named Lorenor V'Halkulus one of Salvar's many lords. Currently far away from his homeland, the Salvarn Lord had a bone to pick with the Citadel Monks. In fact, he was looking to train his melee skills against brave warriors across the land. Lorenor looked up at the large edifice of The Citadel for what might've been the billionth time. All warriors by his rank walked in through those familiar doors at least a thousand times in their lives.

Lorenor had a different purpose to be in The Citadel that particular night.

It was a Thursday night like many others. A few clouds lurked overhead only revealing some star constellations when they moved across the sky. Lorenor found himself glancing up because he smelled rain in the air. Some of the clouds seemed pregnant with the substance, prepared to release its payload upon the earth below it. Lorenor took his eyes away from the clouds. He had to focus back on his game. Lorenor was here to claim a victory, he was hot off a recent adventure (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=16360)
in The Citadel against a Mage calling himself Xos Xilanthe. Lorenor thought back to that battle, and still felt the powerful burn scars against his flesh despite the Monks' best efforts to heal him. They couldn't heal every scar and many of Lorenor's markings were ancient indeed, the sign of deterioration of being an undead. So it was with these melancholy thoughts that the mutant found himself staring at the halls of The Citadel.

Serving a dual purpose, Lorenor knew one thing about the structure that only its members knew. The Citadel was Thayne country. The Monks were followers of the All-Thayne, and as such, many followed the thousands upon thousands of Thayne that were known to exist by the scholars that wrote about them. As a follower of one of the Thaynes himself, Lorenor knew this because he'd dedicated himself to the path of N'Jal. One of the few members who openly advocated freedom of religion out in the open, Lorenor was a constant thorn in the side of the Knight's of Dawn. The Inquisition. They were the army of the new Radasanthian Empire. Aligned with its current leaders, they weeded out the enemies of the state and burned them like witches of old. Many perished at the hands of this Inquisition and Lorenor saw them for what they were, vile, corrupt bastards. Walking up the steps of the Citadel, one of the many nearby Monks approached the Salvarn Lord with a curious expression on his face.

Lorenor noticed this but said nothing. Instead, he kept walking forward and only stopped when the Monk was well within range. "You've returned Lorenor, what tidings do you bring?" He was an Monk of average physical stature. Monks these days were of varying physical statures and tended not to be very large. Their physiques required mobility and agility rather than raw physical strength, but a few large, burly Salvarns made their way into the ranks of the Monks. This Monk stood at approximately five feet and ten inches, and had a lean physique. His chest was broad, but slightly less broader than his shoulder width. He wore the robes of a Monk that was quite advanced within their ranking system, a matter that Lorenor still hadn't quite figured out. He only knew that Senior Monks favored wearing intricate robes with many decorations on this person. In comparison, this man's robes were quite conservative to those elders. Upon hearing the man's greetings, Lorenor stopped to converse the individual staring the conversation off with a nod of his head.

"I am returning from a recent venture in Scara Brae. I know it has been many months since my last visit and that battle against Xos Xilanthe. During that battle I received many injuries but I am recovering well thanks to your skill."

"More your will power than any of our talents. Our magic cannot work if there is no will to live. You know that old friend."

Lorenor nodded at the familiar Monk. This Monk constantly attended and oversaw Lorenor's battles, working and reworking arenas that were a challenge to himself as well as his opponent. "Do you still hold ill will towards Xos?" Lorenor thought about that for a moment. "I wasn't ready to see what he had to show me. It cost me a lot more than I was prepared to pay. Under normal circumstances, I should have defeated Xos on more equal ground." The Monk had a casual position about him. He had dark skin, braided hair, hazel colored eyes and brown colored hair. He stood with his arms relaxed at his side. "You were holding back. This is not helpful to the data we are trying to extract from the battles. I hate to bring this up with you so soon, but it is a general consensus that you could have done much better. The powers that be were kind in their judgment of you. I would have been much more strict against you because I know what you are truly capable of."

"There is also such a thing as self-restraint." Lorenor snapped. "I didn't want to out rightly defeat my opponent in a way that would have made the match boring for me." Lorenor said casually. Then he turned his eyes away from the Monk. "In Scara Brae, I fought against the one they called Cristopher Knighton." The Monk frowned at the mention of the Master Chef's name. "Word from our brothers is that he constantly destroys his opponents. How did you manage to escape that sort of outcome?" The mutant shook his head. "I didn't escape. I died." He said and started to walk towards The Citadel to face his next challenge.

The Monk remained on his own thinking about the information he was just told. There was more data that needed extracting.

*************

Looking at the arena he'd specified, the mutant prepared himself to walk into the gateway. The chamber was prepared for the exact specifications worded by the mutant. He stepped inside and the world shifted, briefly cutting off his senses to darkness. Once they returned, Lorenor saw everything before him as he'd specified it to become. He was in the Slums District of Radasanth City. Once, his former base of operation. Lorenor saw several markets located nearby, an intricate water fountain, and many buildings surrounding him. It was night, but Radasanth never slept. Merchants were busy displaying black market and "illegal" contraband. Lorenor noticed one boutique that had sentients of various races on sale. All of them had sad look on their faces. Seeing the act of slavery taking place, the mutant began to make his way towards the stall and prepared to make some biddings on the various slaves that were for sale. He saw an Akashiman girl that caught his interest and prepared to make a bidding for her. There were twenty individuals lined up on the wooden stage.

It was fifty by fifty with plenty of room to walk on. A podium was present with a device attached that was magitech in nature. The device functioned with sound waves and somehow served to amplify the slave master's voice so that it traveled loudly across the gathering grounds. Lorenor heard a deep voice coming from the stout individual. The Salvarn Lord guessed that the man was a Dwarf. He stood only at four feet and a few inches, and was impossibly well built for someone that short. He had a rotund belly, a long silver beard, and a fancy blue hat with a feather on its top. The mutant felt sorry for the slaves that were present. One of the guards took a quick glance at Lorenor and recognized him from his covert actions in a secretive Power Group called the Gol'Bron. The Cult of the Thaynes. As soon as Lorenor was recognized the guard went over to his superior officer and began a chain of events that would forever test the limits of The Citadel. Lorenor kept his eyes on the stage when a burly, strong, hand grabbed the mutant's shoulder.

"You sir are under arrest."

^Enter the battle here.

[Omegastar]

Omega had been aimlessly walking for days now, consumed with the Death of his Creator Hironi Jishibosh. He needed to get all this sorrow off of him if he was to be at peak efficiency. He had heard of the citadel, but figured it was just for weaklings, but when he found himself in Radasanth he figured why not, maybe he could find someone to clear his mind at least. So as he approached the citadel doors he got the strange feeling he was in for a good fight.

He Opened the huge Wooden doors of the citadel and walked inside and without saying a word he glanced at the Monk and it was almost as if he knew exactly what he wanted, cause he handed a piece of parchment to him with a room number on it and motioned down a hallway.

Omega turned and started walking towards the hall as his cape swung as he turned showing a type of majestic look to him, and as he entered the room that was on the paper. He saw the Slums of what he assumed were Radasanth, from the similar design of buildings. There seemed to be a commotion going on out front of a few girls on a stage, it looked like a slave auction.

As Omega approached a man standing at the stage eyeing up the woman he realized something, the man wasn’t a man at all, but more so a mutant of some kind. So when Omega saw a Guard come up and put his hand on his shoulder and said ‘You’re under arrest’ he had to step in. after all he did come here for a fight, and from what he heard about the citadel the center of commotion is always the fighters.

So he couldn’t resist he had to say something

“You! How did you get free from that prison transport?” Omega said as he grabbed the other shoulder. “Excuse me sir but I’ll be taking my prisoner now.”

“You’re Prisoner? He’s wanted on severe laws against the Coronian Empire.”

“You have no idea what this Creature is capable of do you? I will take him to his prison we have specially designed to keep things like him locked up.” Omega said as he pulled the Thing away and into the middle of the square where he spoke.

“Look, I know you’re what I came to fight so let’s get to it!” Omega said as he flash stepped backwards and drew his sword leaving a good space in between for a running start.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

(All bunnies approved)

As Lorenor prepared to face the guard that sought the bounty on his head, the mutant was surprised when an interloper stepped in on his behalf. A powerful scent that he'd never interacted with before came across his sensory array creating the individual of the stalwart fellow he was going to be facing. After a quick commotion Lorenor moved to thank his savior, but was surprised when the lad went into an immediate combat position. Finally understanding what this was about, the mutant prepared himself to do battle in the busy square.

Lorenor drew one of his damascus longswords deciding that it was probably too much for the man before him. Despite that, it was all he could do. He decided on sheathing the weapon quickly when Omega stepped backwards and drew his sword casually. Judging by the appearance of the weapon, Lorenor guessed that the material of the weapon was steel or iron. It was sharp and had a particularly intense magical aura about it's structure.

Lorenor once again drew his sword for the second time. He was feeling indecisive about fighting someone who just stuck his neck out for the mutant, especially in these dangerous times. Holding the weapon so the tip of the blade was facing down, several individuals began to gather around the fighting duelists. Lorenor felt uncomfortable at the gathered crowd, but decided it could not be helped. If he needed to make a hasty escape he had a few tricks up his sleeve.

Deciding to go along with the ruse, Lorenor looked at Omega, nodding once and preparing himself for combat. "I am nobody's slave! I refuse to go back to that place! You're going to have to fight to reclaim me! And that goes for anybody whose attempting to get the bounty on my head!" Lorenor was being purposefully loud, drawing attention to himself. He knew how the Inquisition thought from past experience dealing with their scum. They would get anyone who got in their way, even innocent bystanders.

Lorenor had to play his cards just right. So his opponent was looking for a fight, he would deliver. "En your guard master!!" Lorenor said casually and by now around twenty people had gathered. Lorenor was already forming a plan of escape that didn't necessarily involve Omega's personal safety. But rather, Omega was the x-factor.

As the crowd gathered, Lorenor began to make quick footing of the situation as it was unfolding. He would have to be quick, and think on his feet. The stranger was ready for a fight and so Lorenor would provide one. Lorenor decided to take the initiative of the battle and rushed quickly and agilely forward covering the ground between himself and his opponent with a few well timed and coordinated steps. Not a single movement was wasted. Every action was well time and coordinated so it would flow with the next plan of attack. Once Lorenor was just a few paces away from Omega, Lorenor struck. He was impressed with Omega's speed and would have to watch out for it. Lorenor swung his weapon out in a completely skilled stroke towards his foe's legs. Specifically the thigh of the right leg.

"You're brave kid. I'll give you that much."

[Omegastar]

Omega was surprised that the man was playing along so he also followed suite.

“That’s no Problem there Slave!! And don’t you forget the price on your head is just as much whether you’re dead or alive. I did you a favor by keeping you alive this far.”

He watched as the man moved and closed the gap faster and faster not letting one step go un used. As he swung Omega saw where it was going but it was so fast there wasn’t much he could do except. “Ferin-Sha!” Omega Thought as the man said.

"You're brave kid. I'll give you that much."

Ferin-Sha took over and swung himself down to block, while glowing a brighter blue. As he took over he said. “Omega we need to work together to catch his fast movements and Never I repeat never let your guard down.”

Omega smirked as he sent his knee flying up to hit the man in the chest as soon as he blocked. Then when he got a chance he went to hit him over the head with the Hilt of his sword.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

The combination attack came with surprising skill. Lorenor fought hard to keep his balance when the third attack came flying in. Since he was in mid-movement from his previous attack, all three portions of the counter connected with adequate effect. Knocking him to the ground, the last blow put Lorenor in a very bad situation. He was vulnerable and he knew it. Damn the kid's good. I'll give him that much. I gotta stay focused.

Saving its master's hide from serious damage to his skull, the endless immediately wrapped itself around the body of the mutant. The endless was a parasitical organism that originated in the depths of Haidia and had some sort of intricate connection to the dark goddess known as N'Jal. The endless functioned as a symbiote and at its current state acted as a living armor to protect the host body from harm. On it's own, the endless could function as an amorphous entity that sought out living hosts. With a host body, willing or not, the creature was considerably much more dangerous. And that's how Lorenor found himself on the ground. The endless writhed against the last series of the combination attack.

His chest hurt and a bruise developed there Omega had kicked him. Gasping for air, the mutant decided to play just dirty as his opponent was playing. With his sword, Lorenor was deadly. But with his claws, Lorenor was even deadlier than normal. Coming up with a quick plan of attack from his kneeling position, the mutant kept up the farce of vulnerability. He was hoping that Omega would let his guard down enough to attempt to finish the mutant off. Since Omega was still relatively in combat range, Lorenor made an attempt to swing his right hand, also the steel aegis bracer. He held his weapon with his left hand keeping himself balanced whilst he attacked. He sent a deadly strike towards the abdomanilis (Stomach) muscle group of his foe's body. If successful, he would attempt to pull Omega's intestines right out of its protective body casing. Lorenor didn't want to kill the kid, but he knew that the kid was ready to kill him. The swordsman couldn't hold back if he was to survive this ordeal. So once his arm reached the zenith of movement, Lorenor rotated his sword in his hand. The tip ended up pointing downwards, and he took a quick stab to attempt to catch Omega's foot in the process. Lorenor was attempting to incapacitate his foe early on.

And as the two fought, the guard that identified Lorenor was talking to several other guards and making their way towards the scene of the fight. Things were about to get interesting.

[Omegastar]

Omega had let his guard down, which was exactly what Ferin-Sha warned him not to do. As Omega watched the claws get closer and closer he spun his foot around trying to avoid all injury, but instead got a sword in his foot and the claws in his back just to the side of his spine.

Omega Grunted in pain as he dropped to a knee. Blood pouring out of the two gaping wounds he had, even if his foe didn’t finish him off, he would die of blood loss in about half an hour.

“Omega, let me take over I can beat this man.!” Ferin-Sha said as Omega grabbed the hilt of his Foe’s sword and pulled it out, he flash stepped away ten feet, to edge of the circle of onlookers watching the fight. As he said out loud

“No! I can take this fool, I just can’t let me guard down and you can only take over when I’m within seconds of death, can you take over.” Omega said with waves of pain thrusting throughout his body following the nervous system in his spine.

Every step he took sent a wave of pain throughout him, and after a few steps he started to use his strength to suppress it, but the only thing he did was every step he took sent a wave of blue light from his feet to his head and then dispersed.

As he got near to strike once more he saw a group of guards led by the one he stopped earlier break through the crowd and run in.

“Look’s like we’re allies for now, get up and fight!” Omega said as he flash stepped, on his Good foot grunting with pain as he stopped, behind the group to do a spinning kick to the back of one sending him into 2 others. And the sheer stroke of luck was the one he kicked impaled the one in front of him killing of one of the guards within seconds

[Mutant_Lorenor]

"That's him that's the slave monger from earlier!"

Cried a snitch from the crowd. They pointed at Omega and took their attention off of Lorenor's person giving him the exact window of opportunity he needed to escape. However, there was a lingering doubt in his system. Somehow, he had a purpose for being there that day and he couldn't just let Omega get taken by the Radasanthian Inquisition like that. Lorenor had to do something, if only to earn a reward.

Prepared for such a circumstance, Lorenor glanced at the heavily armored warriors and managed to stand up. Omega had asked the mutant for assistance, and through sheer respect and force of will, the mutant would lend a helping hand. If only a little. Feeling the charge from his plasma gun, the mutant mentally activated and prepared for the situation at hand.

Several guards moved on Omega, now a murderer. Witnesses were conversing with the guards and relaying accounts of what happened during the situation at hand. Lorenor's eyes darted to the easiest targets and decided that a spread shot would disperse the crowd. Lorenor knelt to the ground, still holding his weapon, and released the blast into the air. A sound of a muffled thunderclap, filled the air followed by shrieks of terror from the crowd. With multiple targets all around him, Lorenor grinned as he released the kinetic blast.

For eleven yards across the air the blast traveled and impacted with the force of steel. Lorenor remained in a crouching position knowing that the blast would travel fairly far. Once he'd discharged the attack he took a glance towards where he guessed Omega would be. Omega was standing roughly ten feet away, so Lorenor couldn't see him very well. But, the mutant had gathered his scent in the breeze and could roughly guess the general position of his enemy. He also caught the scent of several guards coming in contact with the crowd. Lorenor still hadn't been noticed yet since they were focusing their attention on Omega.

Seeing an opportunity, Lorenor dashed quickly towards Omega's person and sent an elegant strike with his swords towards the man's mid-section once again. Lorenor knew that Omega was injured and he was trying to end this battle quickly. The mutant smelled blood. He was hoping that the kinetic attack hit Omega as well. Bodies were on the floor, some dead, killed by a mysterious wave that traveled through the air. A few of the guards had gone down with the blast, those that were too foolishly close to Lorenor's position.

He covered a lot of ground, but Lorenor finally made it to Omega's position with a grin on his face. "I'll show you an ally! To The Pyre with you!" The mutant yelled as he made an attempt to swing his sword right towards Omega's chest. He was not aiming for the heart, but he was aiming for a lethal attack nonetheless. He waited to see what was the damage.

[Omegastar]

Omega was shocked at this accusation he was no slave mongerer, he loved all humans for their frailties. He didn’t have a chance to react as more guards were entering the crowd and assaulting him. He was holding his one some what, he was barely deflecting and blocking the attacks.

“Bloody hell! Your one hell of an ally” Omega said as a Burst of energy nailed him in the side, sending him skidding down the dirt path about 2 feet. Once he stopped he fell to a knee and coughed up blood.

“Omegastar! You are dieing let me take over now!” Ferin-Sha said as Omega looked up and saw his ‘ally’ charging him sword drawn.

"I'll show you an ally! To The Pyre with you!" He said as Omega just whispered out loud

“Go” and at that Second the ground underneath him cracked and sunk down as solid Blue light shot up and circled Omega charging him with positive electrons and his robes with negative, making them stick to him like dirt on ….. well dirt.

As Lorenor struck the shielding that had encased Omega it exploded sending out another shockwave finishing off anyone else within a ten feet radius, and as the smoke cleared from the explosion Omega looked somewhat different.

His Robes clung to him and were a jet black color, his sword had changed to black with a ‘Celtic cross’ as the hand guard and 4 links of heavy chain attached to the hilt. His hair was now spiked like a orc battering ram and was as Blue as the sky, and his eyes were a deep Sapphire blue.

He looked at Lorenor and said “You want to fight me so badly let’s do this!” as he Flash stepped to just outside striking distance and leapt into the air to kick him in the head.

((OOC: For Lorenor’s Clarification and anyone reading, I have just entered near death save 1.5x speed and strength))

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Just as the kinetic blast claimed many lives, Lorenor's sword prepared to take Omega's life. He lunged down and then something unpredictable happened at the last possible moment. "Damn you!" A brilliant flash of glowing light surrounded his opponent as he summoned up an ace-in-the-hole.

Hurting Lorenor's eyes, the light caused an instant reaction that started to burn the ghoul upon impact. The only thing that saved Lorenor was his UASU artifact that protected against UV Light and other just charged electrons. Lorenor felt the impact of the maneuver and the sudden, radiant glow threw the mutant back several feet through the air from the force of impact. It was like a protective shield! Lorenor knew that his weapon had done major damage to the shield, but it had already done considerable damage to him.

They were now on even footing. Blood trickled down Lorenor's mouth and he coughed move of it on the floor. "Bastard. I'll teach you a lesson." He started to curse in tongues, angry at how careless he's been in the battle so far. A lesson learned. Never trust humans like that. The mutant stood up after a moment and pondered making a quick meal of the cadavers nearby, but didn't have enough time to.

Omega was acting with some serious reaction time and added strength. The mutant had no such power at his disposal except for the endless. Again, the living epidermis wrapped itself around the living vessel of Lorenor. He felt the kick slam hard against the side of his head. Lorenor fell for a moment, but the endless took most of the force of impact of the blow. He was developing another bruise alongside the side of his skull. Already, he was getting quite the collection of bruises. Lorenor spit up more blood. The energy field had done severe damage to the mutant.

Standing up now, Lorenor knew he had to be more careful with the warrior before him. "Heh. Like I said earlier. You're brave kid. I'll give you that much. But bravery without thinking about who your opponent is equates to foolhardiness." Lorenor stole a glance to Omega's injured foot. He was bleeding just as badly as Lorenor was. This made him grin. "You're going to give out at any moment for that risky maneuver. It was nice knowing you kid." Lorenor said, suddenly bounded towards his opponent and went to move with a high swipe of his sword. It was a beautiful arching maneuver meant to end his opponent. Lorenor was moving in such a way that if his attack connected, he would sever Omega's head clean off the body and then be on his way.

If the attack connected.

[Omegastar]

Omega was no Longer in control, it was as if watching a movie in first person view, but being able to feel and sense everything.

As he was about to go and attack once more he stopped paralyzed with pain, he couldn’t take a step or fall down. As soon as he saw his opponent about to decapitate him he regained control back and collapsed to the floor, barely dodging the attack.

So close he watched a few hairs fall.

With a Blinding light all his new found powers were gone, he was now in his normal robes and his normal sword with a blue hue was back. The only thing he could do at this point without dieing was to use his good foot to attack, his bad one had gone completely numb and was unable to move, and he couldn’t move his back at all without sharp pains.

So with his good fight he kicked out aiming for the stomach and then for the back of his right knee while he was blinded by the initial release of light from the loss of his near death save.

The Last thing Omega remembered before passing out due to blood loss was half assed swinging his sword at the legs of his opponent.

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Lorenor had to laugh when he saw that kid fall. It was simply brilliant. Superb. Awesome even. Lorenor had blood dripping down his right arm that was Omega's and so he licked at the dripping substance tasting the sweetly flowing nectar. Lorenor hopped backwards evading the kicks this time. He saw them coming and wasn't distracted by the burning light that had surrounded the warrior.

Seeing the half assed sword swipe, the mutant reacted by slashing downward with his sword and successfully intercepting the attack. There was a clang of metal. The mutant pulled his weapon out of the ground, rotated it and sheathed it back in its place. His opponent had a brilliant looking sword, and for a moment, he considered snatching the weapon.

He would have too cause his foe was close to death.

Blood poured from the serious injury of his opponent. Lorenor had a second thought, he wanted to physically eat Omega's flesh. As he was readying himself for an attack, the sound of many feet stomping the earth with metallic boots filled the air. A clang clang clanging noise repeated itself for a brief moment, and several soldiers filled the mutant's peripheral vision. Lorenor readied his weapon, but remembered his exit route. "There he is, get him!" One of the guards yelled. "The slave monger is a mess. Take him back to the facility!"

And as the soldiers charged in, Lorenor prepared for battle.

There was a wavering of the air and a strange wooshing sound as the mutant's senses blackened out for a moment. Reality warped and twisted, became something like a surreal painting from one of Raiaera's grand masters, was sucked into a single point in space in time and replaced with an empty chamber. Lorenor saw the familiar empty space of the hall in the back at the Citadel. The Monks used their power to end this battle quickly.

Omega needed medical attention and would get it. A door opened somewhere behind the mutant and he turned to face the sound of the movement. Looking down the room, the Monks rushed into the chamber, five in all, including the Monk from earlier. Lorenor looked at the Monk as the man walked right by him with a calm expression on his face.

"Well done Lorenor. You have done well. The Thaynes are most impressed with your performance."

"My will is that of N'Jal."

"Nevertheless even she hails from the All-Thayne itself. As do us all. We all share connection with that special spark from the universe itself."

"Why do you tell me this when you know who I follow?"

"Because I know how brilliant you can be. Come. You are injured Lorenor, let us treat your injuries."

"Fine. But remember not to use none of your holy magics."

"We know all about you Lorenor. Worry not. You will be safe."

Safe as safe could be when you had a price on your head.

The End.

[Zook Murnig]

Battle Judging
Bloody Nights

Lorenor's scores are first, followed by Omegastar. Because of the similar notes for the both of you, I'll mostly address you both with each comment.

STORY ~ 8/30 5/30

Continuity ~ 3/10 1/10 I know little about you characters at the beginning, and little at the end. Lorenor, you made a lot of too-vague attempts to tie in your character's history, and all it did was confuse me more. Omega, just tell me SOMETHING.
Setting ~ 3/10 2/10 I got a little more from Lorenor at the beginning, but it was all quickly forgotten by the end. As NPCs can sometimes act as part of the setting, I feel I should mention that their presence and actions made little to no sense.
Pacing ~ 2/10 2/10 I just wanted it to be over, and you obliged me pretty well. Bravo. For real, though, this was poorly planned and paced with repeated dialogue and actions everywhere, not to mention the grind of Lorenor's overwriting.

CHARACTER ~ 7/30 6.5/30

Dialogue ~ 2/10 3/10 Lorenor, while your dialogue and Omega's were equally bad, I knocked off an extra point here for the arbitrary use of bold print for everything your character had to say. Somehow, you're both simultaneously sinners and saints, without being as awesome as Alanis Morissette. See Persona.
Action ~ 3/10 2.5/10 Swing, miss, swing, hit, overdescribed effect with underdescribed results, flash step teleportation, Super Saiyan Mode for five seconds, and then it's over. Lots of action, but it's just crammed in there.
Persona ~ 2/10 1/10 Once again, you're sinners and you're saints. To elaborate, Lorenor, you went on about how you abhorred slavery, but nonetheless leered at one of the young girls for sale and pondered whether she was worth the money. You went on about how N'jal is this glorious and merciful master, but then you do things in his/her/its name that no glorious and merciful master would ever endorse. Omega, you talked about how you loved humans, but then you just shove a bunch of armed ones into each other hoping that they impaled themselves on their bared weapons. Pick a character type: hero, anti-hero, or villain. You can't be all three at once.

WRITING STYLE ~ 9.5/30 7/30

Technique ~ 3/10 1/10 Lorenor, you need to tone down your attempts at flowery writing. You overwrite and overwrite until you say everything about five times in each sentence. Your technique is used to such an extent that it strangles itself, and the technique itself needs refining. Omega, I got little to nothing here. Even more, you hardly described anything you did, just said you did it. That affected your Action score, as well.
Mechanics ~ 3.5/10 3/10 Don't capitalize random words, God damnit! The beginning of a sentence and proper nouns, like names and titles. Lorenor, you have trouble with using sentence fragments. It can be done right and very artfully, but you're not doing that. You're just throwing in two words and putting a period behind it. Read your posts aloud or in your head after you've written them and this might start to be alleviated. In addition...
He would have too cause his foe was close to death. That made no sense whatsoever, even in context. All of this affected your Clarity score as well, so no comments there about that.
Clarity ~ 3/10 3/10 See Continuity, Dialogue, Persona, Technique, and Mechanics.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 2/10 2/10

TOTAL ~ 26.5 20.5

Lorenor wins.

Lorenor gains 1200 EXP and 48 GP
Omega gains 250 EXP and 31 GP


If you have any questions about the judgment or how you can improve, PM me or send me a message on AIM, screen name SuperSonicMatt1.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!