Humble beginnings

[Boweva1]

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Kraza enjoyed the feeling of being lost. It was the queer feeling of being alone, unnoticed and unwanted. He felt at ease when walking aimlessly, it seemed to calm him. The forces of nature all around him and the feeling of being helpless against it was exiting to him. Also there was a chance for adventure, and it had been a while since he saw any danger.

For weeks he had walked, searching for any sign of life. Though he started off with much enthusiasm, being able to run free and do what he pleased, he quickly realized that his journey would be much more difficult than he anticipated. The nights were getting cold, and recently darker than usual.

The sunlight was gone for the day and the moon was hidden behind a coat of clouds. Having to walk in pitch black was displeasing to Kraza, and especially since it was the dense underbrush part of the woods. He was forced to walk with one hand in front of him at all times, and one hand holding his halberd as a walking stick. In other words, traveling was slow today.

The tired wanderer grunted as he walked into a seemingly impassable bush; and after feeling his way through 300 yards in each direction he decided to give up. Finding a plump log, he sat down to rest. He sighed , trying to think of what to do. There will obviously be no sleep tonight he thought as two or three drops of rain fell on his face, and there’s a giant bush in my way. After a short while he lifted himself to his feet and walked to the bush, with both hands on his halberd he swung as hard as he could several times. With no noticeable change he tried to crawl through. the bush was thick, it scraped his face as he pulled his way in, but with luck he was able to climb through the wounds he made and get out the other side.

As he picked himself up he noticed two glowing eyes staring at him. He jumped back quickly, weapon at the ready, and slowly walked towards it. This was the first danger he’d seen in days, and he enjoyed it. Walking closer, the eyes didn’t seem to grow, he didn’t understand why though. Seeing as there wasn’t much of a threat he began to walk more at ease. During the whole situation he didn’t realize that the terrain changed completely, well at least where he was standing, he was on a road!

The day had so many surprises compared to his last weeks of wandering; it felt like a dream to him. As he got closer he saw that it was no eyes, but a house, an alehouse if he saw correctly. Wonderment glazed his eyes and he began to run toward it, such a sight was nothing he expected to find. As he reached the door he stopped, was it real, or were his eyes playing tricks on him in the dark. He stood at the door wondering; since he’d been on the island he had seen to no signs of life, and now he started to have hope. Suddenly the door opened, a burst of light blinded him. As his eyes adapted he saw stout little man standing there. The dwarf stood there for a minute then yelled “You gonna come in or what”. Nodding and bewildered Kraza walked through the door.

[Jade Margery]

"Two priestesses and an emperor! Drink!" Jade grinned triumphantly at the two men across the table from her. They glared and groaned, cursing their luck, but dolefully raised the tankards to their lips while several of their friends laughed and booed. Jade shuffled the cards again, mentally calculating how much money she had made that night. They were playing a dangerous game of Knocks, betting both coins and bottles. By the look of their clothing, she had probably milked these two for all they'd be willing to lose. There was a fine line between a conceding handshake and a stab in the back after closing time. Now she had to find a way to get out before they insisted on playing more.

Jade pulled a couple errant locks of hair from her eyes and looked around the alehouse, her mind ticking. That was the problem with these out of the way roadside taverns: no decent distractions. If only someone would whip up a good bar fight!

No, these folks were tame. Besides the jolly traveling party there were a few old rangers hiding in a corner as rangers are wont to do and a couple drunks scattered here and there, woodsmen by the look of them. It was too early to claim fatigue and she had won too much of their money just to stand up and walk away.

Then, salvation! The dwarf who ran the alehouse had gone to the front door, likely trying to escape the smell of his patrons, and granted entry to one who would serve her purposes nicely.

"Luvly playing with ye, friends, but strike me if I don't see a mate o' mine come in the door just now!" She curled her arm around the pile of gleaming coins and slid them off the table into her traveling sack. A few of them bounced across the floor as she stood up and made a bee-line for Kraza.

"Oi! Fancy meetin' you here!" she said cheerfully. "Been a dog's age, ain't it? Whyn't ye let me buy you a drink, eh? Go on, 'ave ye a sit down at the bar, and we'll get all caught up! Order anything ye like, it's on me, my friend." She gestured eloquently to the wooden counter, hoping the promise of free booze would distract this fellow from the fact they had never met before.

[Boweva1]

At first look the tavern seemed to be quite casual, nothing abnormal to anything he’d expected. There were several fellows drunk and laughing and others sitting loathing something or another in the corner. After only a few steps through the door a young woman walked up hastily and brushed up beside him. Startled at first, she only wanted to buy him a drink! These people seemed to be more friendly than he’d anticipated, or maybe just drunk to the point where they welcome guests to free drinks. Either way he was famished and the thought of anything free was more than welcoming.

He maneuvered through the tables to the counter and sat down. A scruffy old man on the other side of the counter walked up close cleaning a glass “What can I get for ya” he asked promptly. It was a rare treat to have alcohol and even more so now that he didn’t have to pay for it. “Roseberry mead, if you got any”. The tender nodded and walked away for a second, then came back with the drink and handed it to him. “That girl your with, who is she?” the man asked. “Damned if I know” he shrugged taking a sip of his drink. “Well you’d better be careful, she’s caused a bit of a stirrup tonight.” he waited for an answer from Kraza “bein around her … might be unhealthy, if ya know what I mean.” Kraza nodded and continued with is drink.

The girl walked up swiftly to him and sat down. She pulled out a coin from a sack - which was filled with many similar such pieces - and gave one to the bartender. Such amounts of money will usually take with itself a risk in these sorts a places, maybe the bartender was right he thought. Though she didn’t appear to be very dangerous, only a petite woman in fact, so he thought he should be fine.

Something caught his attention from the corner of his eye, he turned to look and saw a group of men staring bitterly in his direction. They didn’t look to happy with him, or maybe it was the mystery girl sitting next to him that caused there attention. He sat up and took notice of the girl, who had been talking for some time but probably knew he wasn’t paying attention, then interrupted her. “ Thanks for the drink… but tell me, who are you?”

[Jade Margery]

Roseberry mead--this fellow was no cheap date! Jade paid the bartender with a couple of coins, ordering for herself while she did so. "Would ye kindly fetch me a tumbler of whiskey and a couple o' baked taters, me good man?" He turned to fetch the food and drink, giving Kraza a meaningful look as he did so.

Jade twisted on her bar stool, trying to find a comfortable spot for her bottom on the worn, hardwood seat. Generally speaking, such perches weren't the best place for vertically challenged people, let alone ones wearing skirts. She didn't stare at anything, but was careful not to look at the traveling group who seemed to take her sudden departure from the game with mixed emotions. One of them, the younger of the two she had played with, appeared to only just be realizing that he had lost most of his money. The other one was looking substantially more bitter, and their three companions had stopped laughing and looked unsure of what to do next. Although she did no more than glance at them, her mind was working quickly, trying to judge what might happen next.

Kraza's voice distracted Jade from her calculations. "Hmm? What's this now, ye don't remember me none? You wound me! But I s'pose I fergive ye. I don't remember your name either, and I suppose I'm not really so spectacular ye'd recall me face. So, you can call me Jade, eh? Now then, what's your name again, and what are you doing in these parts, you old dog you? Here, 'ave a tater, they're good." She bit into her own steaming potato with relish, ignoring both the heat of the legume and the hot glares on her back.

[Boweva1]

The mead was starting to work its magic in Kraza, only seconds after he’d taken a drink he started feeling calm and warm. Alcohol always had an unusual effect on him, it loosened and livened him. As he drank more his weariness slowly unwrapped and his face lightened and shown.

When he heard what the girl said he let out a huge laugh with his booming voice. The whole situation was beginning to be very funny to him. This girl said she knew him, but he’d never seen her before in his life! He slowed his laugh and controlled himself enough to speak again. “Ahh, Jade is it? Well…” he said in a much calmer fashion. “Nice to meet you Jade, Ya can call me Kraza” he finished his drink with one final gulp and signaled the bartender for another. “So miss Jade, we know each other you say? Well I say you must have me mistaken for someone else, unless under all that garb of yours your really a swashbuckling pirate or a ruthless sea monster! You see missy, for the last three years I’ve been at sea, fighting (with and against) some of the most perilous brutes it’d ever be your misfortune to meet! Ya, I’ve fought with the best of ‘em, but not one uh’ those beasts could fell the ol’ Kraza. It all began several years ago off the coast of…” He continued to chatter for a minute more, making most of it up as he went mostly to impress his new friend but also for his own sake of amusement.

He stopped and remembered the group of men staring — but to hell with them, with their drinks and their games. If they had a problem with him they could take it up with the blade of his halberd. He looked up to see if anyone was even paying attention to him, other than the “gazers” as he called them, only a couple had caught attention of his story. A bit annoyed by this and seeing his mug was empty he knocked it against the counter a few times. “Aye. Aye. Get me another one of these drinks.”

The bartender was nowhere in sight. “Gah, the devil take alla’ya” he said as he stood up and turned toward Jade. “Well Jade, it was nice… er, meeting you, but its getting late so if you’d be kind enough to point me towards a room, I’ll be taking the rest of the night off. No, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Just continue on with your taters, we can take a stroll on the morrow.”

[Jade Margery]

Jade was an attentive listener, or seemed to be. She nodded and laughed and gasped at all the appropriate places in Kraza's narratives and kept his mug full. Most of it she assumed to be bull droppings. "Must 'ave been a port I seen you at, then. I do spend a good time around ports." she commented when he claimed he had never met her before. She had eaten both of her potatoes and drunk half her drink by the time he finished. Kraza seemed a bit less lucid than she thought he would be. She'd never tried roseberry mead before, but apparently it had a good kick.

As he stood, she followed suit, making a show of stretching and yawning. "Aye, been on the road all day meself, I 'ave. They's several rooms upstairs, but I'll not be payin' fer your board too, yeh old sea dog. Mayhaps we'll meet on the morrow, if ye don't over sleep."

Jade moved for the stairs, but was stopped by a rough hand on her shoulder.

"Hey." It was the older of the two she had played with, his wrinkled and weather-beaten face almost emotionless even six inches from her own. His companion was an easier read--he had obviously spent the last half hour or so working himself into an indignant fury, and three pints hadn't helped matters. They were ignoring Kraza for the moment. So much for the 'powerful friend' approach.

"You were playing us with a loaded deck. You stacked the cards, you little cheat." His voice was quiet, calm and controlled, frightening in a way that yelling and threatening can never be. Jade gulped visibly, her eyes wide.

"Sure an' I never cheated you, on me good mother's grave I didn't! You watched me shuffle, even dealt 'alf the hands yourself. T'was naught but fair luck what won me the hands." She edged closer to Kraza, hoping that several tankards of mead and a sympathetic ear might have bought her a little loyalty.

[Boweva1]

Kraza stepped slowly towards the stairs with Jade, lugging all his equipment with him and anticipating a good night sleep, the first he would have in months. He noticed his friend was stopped. It was the small group of men that found it all to amusing to stare them down half the night. He was already tired and in a bad mood, so hardly ready to deal with these hooligans.

Normally he wouldn’t intervene in other peoples personal problems but he felt he owed it to her for being so welcoming. He turned around and walked closer to the group, trying to put on his best face. “Hey fellas, how’s the night goin for ya’? Ooh, bad day at the tables was it, well that’s a shame, better luck next time. So if you’ll excuse us we have to be going now.”

“Stay outa this, we aint got a bone to pick with you… yet.” said the younger of the two. These men were stubborn, Jade must have taken an awful lot of their money. He sighed turned once more and walked up close to the man, “Oh-hoho, but you don’t understand,” he said in a much more serious tone. “this is my friend here that your rubbing your greasy paws on.”. He stepped closer to the men, trying to look tough in hopes they would be scared off. No such luck. “Now maybe ye didn’t hear my stories earlier, but I’ve dealt with scum like ya before, so don’t think I’ll hesitate to lob off a few heads for the sake of a friend. Now you have a choice, ya can take your hand her or ya can keep here and meet your death.” The bluffing didn’t seem to be working, maybe he was a bad liar or maybe he was too drunk to be taken seriously. Either way these men didn’t want to let up.

He was almost certain these men weren’t gonna give in without a fight, which in itself would be hard, for he was only one person and Jade didn’t look much of a warrior. The thought of running passed through his mind for a second, but that would be near impossible with the bandits standing straight in front of them and a dozen or so more tables until the front door.

[Jade Margery]

"She's a cheat, and you're just a smelly drunk!" snarled the younger man hypocritically, his breath heavy with ale. Jade edged backwards from them, thinking quickly. The 'large friend' tactic wasn't working, despite Kraza's attempts (bless his little inebriated heart). She was seriously considering giving them back their money, even though she had won it in a nearly almost entirely legitimate fashion.

Just as she was reaching for her purse, however, the younger one decided to take things into his own hands. Or fists.

He threw a hooked punch at Kraza's head, making such a show of the effort that Jade could tell he had never been in a serious fistfight before. She hadn't either, but she had danced and dodged her way out of enough bar fights to know the difference between a soft-handed city merchant and a good-old-boy brawler.

"SAMUEL! Stop this stupidity!" The elder shouted, his face contorted with anger at his companion's lack of restraint, but Samuel either didn't hear him or didn't care. Not ten feet away the barkeeper grabbed a rough club out from under the bar which he obviously kept at hand for these special occasions.

"Get out with it you mongrels, I'll have no fighting in my house!" He hollered in a deep bass. The older man tightened his grip on Jade's shoulder and pulled her in front of him. If there was going to be a three man fight, he seemed to want a human shield between him and it.

[Boweva1]

“Ha, smelly drunk yourself, ya blagg-- Ooouu!” Kraza was knocked unexpectedly and fell to the floor with all his equipment on top of him, quite a silly sight. It took a couple of seconds to realize what happened and when he did he was enraged. He pushed off his pack, jumped up, took hold of his halberd and did a quick jab with the butt end of it in the direction of his attacker. He was met with a pleasing crack meaning he hit his target. Immediately after he gave a strong downward thrust right to where the attacker was laying but he wasn’t there. He must be pretty fast to dodge such attacks.

At this time the bartender was already outside the counter waving his club in the air yelling “Stop! Stop!”. He was trying to decide whether to fight also ( as he was very angry) but unfortunately for the moment that was all he was doing.

Kraza’s mind drifted from his hostage friend and was focused solely on this “Samuel”. He took a quick look around but couldn’t find him, until that is he was knocked to the floor by a very large object. He rolled over and there was Samuel, bloody in the face, wielding a chair instead of a sword, and was ready to pound it full force on his head. He moved quickly out of the way to dodge the attack and held out his halberd in front of him to brace for the next blow, which was a hard one, and made his hands cringe and sting from the pressure. The attacker lifted up the chair for his next blow but Kraza was ready already in firm grip with his halberd he took a quick swing towards the feet. There was a screech of pain and the man fell to the floor.

Kraza quickly stood up and took hold of his weapon. At this point everyone in the room had either fled or was watching with enjoyment, that is not to say for his friend which he forgot about that was in the real danger.

[Jade Margery]

As both bodies and chairs flew through the air, Jade and the elder traveler backed out of the way; she, dragged, and he, shouting. Though she had no desire to see anyone get hurt, there was a part of her that reveled in the chaos she had caused. With almost no effort, she had brought four relatively sane and peaceful men to violence and anarchy in less than an hour.

As much trouble as she might cause, however, Jade didn't really want any part in it herself. The old man's hand was digging into her shoulder painfully--she doubted he even realized he was holding her at all, as preoccupied with the fight as he was. She went limp against him and he staggered as her sudden weight pushed them both against the wall. He was probably stronger, but Jade was younger and faster. With surprising force she clasped her hands and slammed one of her elbows into his stomach, right under the sternum. He gasped like a dying fish and doubled over in pain. As Jade slid away her hand brushed his money pouch, tied to his belt, and by instinct she grabbed it and pulled. The old leather string twisted and snapped with the force.

'Samuel' was standing over Kraza with a chair upraised as the mercenary used his weapon to defend. Given the odds, Jade assumed victory would go to the roseberry mead enthusiast with the halberd over the drunk with the furniture. Come to think of it, her presence wasn't strictly necessary for this little show, was it?

"Exit stage left, boyo." she muttered, dodging several tables with more grace than her gangly form suggested, though she did jar her hip pretty bad against the door handle as she hopped over the threshold. Behind her Samuel cried out in pain and the old man wheezed over the din, "I've been robbed! Robbed!"

Jade knew better than to dilly-dally. She took off into the woods, forgoing the beaten path. By the weight of it the man's purse, which contained all that she had not won from him in the first place, would more than cover the cost of the drinks and the room she hadn't been able to get use of. That, and the evening's excitement, was certainly worth a night in a tree.

[Boweva1]

Kraza looked around the room. There were tables pushed over and drinks and plates scattered over the floor. With broken chairs and people lying on the floor, the place was a mess.

The knocking on the door pushed him out of his trance. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. He looked to who it was but the front door was open and there was no one there. He looked and saw there was a side room, apart from the main that the entrance was blocked by a overturned table. The knocks got fewer and further apart, but louder, then finally with a huge noise and a tumble the door broke open and out flew the dwarf owner, who had apparently gone to bed already seeing as he was in a nightgown.

He stood up and dusted himself off. “Now what’s the meaning of all this rac--!” He choked on his words as he saw the state of his bar, and nearly fainted. Kraza let out a hearty laugh and walked over to the dwarf. “Sorry ‘bout the mess… now could you show me towards a room?” The dwarves face turned dark red as he grew with anger, he was shaking all over as if he was about to explode. “GET OUT!!!”

A bit shaken Kraza walked slowly out of the room, saddened and depressed with the turnout of his day.

[Zook Murnig]

Quest Judging

Humble Beginnings

STORY ~ 8/30

Continuity ~ 3/10 I can't fathom why Kraza was walking around in the night with no lantern. His backstory is barely touched upon, and Jade's isn't spoken of at all. However, in Jade's case, it's somewhat forgivable. Her situation is a reasonable one and her actions drove the thread. More than that, you had an idea of where she was going after the thread.
Setting ~ 2/10 You made token mention of bushes, a bar, stairs, and other things that don't really stick in my memory. Try to bring the places you write about to life, not just the characters. Personification, imagery, and other techniques can do this wonderfully.
Pacing ~ 3/10 It took me about ten minutes to read this, and it felt like it took place in the span of fifteen. Looking back on the story, however, it should have felt more like an hour or two of events. Part of the problem is the matter of repeated actions. Boweva, when Jade describes something happening in her post, don't redescribe it. It gets boring and redundant. The thread also would have felt like it covered a longer time if you'd put more setting in, as well as describing your actions more.

CHARACTER ~ 15/30

Dialogue ~ 6/10 Jade, you definitely did better here than Boweva. The cockney accent, the turns of phrase, and other bits made your character believable and her dialogue rich. Kraza didn't really show much of his personality in the way that he spoke, because I had no idea how he spoke. All I knew was that he spoke and what he said. And Boweva, the parentheses are typically not used in dialogue. Try using hyphens instead to delineate the necessary and unnecessary, but clarifying, portions of dialogue. Commas work well for that, too.
Action ~ 4/10 Again, Jade made a good show at spicing things up throughout, but Boweva, you need to not repeat her descriptions. I know it's tempting to show your character's perception of these things, but in all but the most exceptional cases, you need to let it pass. High action means low drag.
Persona ~ 5/10 Jade, I feel like I know your character pretty well with only the little bits that you gave me. She's a trickster and a thief, and she doesn't come from the most respectable places. Boweva, I got little of this from you. You said that Kraza loved being lost, but I didn't get that from him. You didn't really give much else, either, except that he's a braggart and a lightweight (in both drinking and brawling). Try actually writing from Kraza's perspective more, rather than as a limited floating eye following him. Showing his thought processes can work very well, too. However, don't fall into the trap of just making every thought straightforward or convoluted. Model it after how your own thoughts run, and it'll be more organic.

WRITING STYLE ~ 13.5/30

Technique ~ 3.5/10 I got very little from Boweva on this. Mostly you used simple sentences and stumbled over them. Jade did a little better, but not much. Metaphor, simile, and other techniques will raise this score, as well as others like Action, Setting, and Dialogue.
Mechanics ~ 5/10 Passable, but not great. Run-on sentences weren't abound, but they were present. Clumsy grammar wasn't hard to find, either. And in the very first paragraph, Boweva, you misspelled "excited" as "exited." Use a word processor's spell check, or just proofread your posts.
Clarity ~ 5/10 There are a few things I'm not really clear on, like where the dwarf went when the brawl started, how the whole tavern was destroyed in a matter of seconds, and other things. It seems like you just kind of let things go in your haste to end the story, and that affected your Pacing and Action scores, as well. Take your time and consider whether you've given something enough time before you push on to the next.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 4/10 The thread wasn't anything special. I see some potential, but it's going to take effort that I'm not seeing here to really show that potential. That said, it wasn't a horrible thread, just not a noteworthy one.

TOTAL ~ 40.5

Boweva gains 273 EXP and 72 GP
Jade Margery gainst 247 EXP and 61 GP

If you have any questions about the judgment or how you can improve, PM me or send me a message on AIM, screen name SuperSonicMatt1.

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!