Father of Misguidance.

[Black Cat]

He focused all his mind on the scenery beyond the window, because he knew if he tried hard enough, there'd be no more voices crowding his heavy mind. Two minutes had passed in such tranquil silence, but to his dismay he found he'd been too hopeful.

"Can you hear me?" The voice shot through his mental barrier and into his thoughts. "Is there no one else you can bother?" He snapped. There was no one else. Few could hear the spirits anymore, and so they always came to him. "You are....Magnus?" The voice asked, much louder and clearer, and he could now tell it was female. "Yes." He finally answered, though he wasn't to pleased about who he was at the moment. "Do you know the way to the gates...?" She trembled asking the question. "I did, once. But I lost the map long ago." He trembled as well. The question she'd asked almost brought him to tears, and the answer he had to give didn't help. It was the question he had been asked by sick children and dying warriors, by prisoners and the lost. Heaven was their destination and their wounds were their trail he'd tell them, hoping they'd find their way. He didn't say it now, because he no longer knew what it meant. He wreathed with pain at the memories, many his fault, and began to realize people were watching him. Despite the unwanted attention he managed to produce the only consolation he could give to poor spirit."You will find your way, the good are never lost for long." He tried to smile, and with a small amount of relief she smiled back. She vanished from his sight piece by piece until the light of her soul had finally flickered away. Now he figured he better turn his attention to the people watching him, and hopefully figure out where in all the world he had run to. Wary of being the center of their focus for long in a place he'd never been to, he decided to quiet down and wait for someone to approach him. "I wonder what they thought I was talking too...hahaha!" It was amusing, and amused was a rare feeling for Magnus.

[Tristam]

After the long journey to this tavern, all Tristam wanted was a hot meal and a quiet evening pouring over his notes. The barmaid obligingly set him in a corner table away from the bar. The game stew was a little bland but a pinch of wild marjoram from one of his pouches soon fixed that. He had just settled into a treatise on medicinal herbs and his second small beer when the man at the nearby table spoke up.

"Is there no one else you can bother?" He snapped.

Tristam lowered his parchment and peered over the top. Somewhere there should be two people arguing but only the normal comings and goings of the tavern were evident. Then the man spoke up again. Tristam listened to the one sided conversation with ever growing curiosity and concern.

The scholar packed his treatise and slung his traveling bag back over his shoulder. He approached the table slowly and sat down across from Magnus. "Do forgive a presumptuous question from a total stranger but are you all right, sir?" Tristam asked.

[Black Cat]

Magnus didn't have to wait long before someone gave in to the temptation to demand an answer of him. A man had sat down across from him, and like most would be, he was interested to know why Magnus was "talking to himself".

"Do forgive a presumptuous question from a total stranger but are you all right, sir?" The man asked.

Magnus carefully studied the stranger. He appeared to be a scholar, or perhaps nobility, but it was not his clothes that gave this away. It was the way in which he spoke that revealed this. Polite, refined, and frankly quite surprising in a country tavern. Finally Magnus answered him, as the awkward stillness at the table had dragged on for far too long.

"You think I'm out of my mind don't you? Magnus responded. In truth he felt a little ashamed about the incident which this stranger had unfortunately witnessed, but it seemed the gods weren't ready to let him forget it. So he closed his eyes, sighed, and waited for the man to answer.

[Tristam]

Do I think he is mad? Tristam considered the question carefully. It would be the most likely explanation, but the man before him was more jumpy than insane. He looked tired, almost soul sick. No, Tristam did not think he was mad. Still, it was too soon to tell.

"That is only one of several plausible explanations." Tristam replied easily. "I usually don't like to commit to an answer until all of the facts are in." Tristam smiled slightly at the man. "You have more experience with your mental state than I have. What is your expert opinion on the matter? Are you mad?"

[Black Cat]

The way this man spoke was beginning to unnerve Magnus, still something about the stranger fanned the flames of his curiosity. With this being the case, he concluded the man was worth it. It was time to try again at an old game.

"Yes I'm quite insane, but that doesn't mean they aren't real." An answer he hoped would startle the scholar. It certainly startled others, Magnus could feel the eyes of a dozen individuals hanging on to every word he spoke. Were they interested in his apparent madness? Were they concerned for the stranger's safety. Or both? The man across from him didn't appear to care, but Magnus did. He never liked being watched, but to his relief the silence was shattered a third time that day, and it was something even he had not foreseen. It was starting to rain. Is the flawless sunshine always to be broken by sudden storms? Magnus thought to himself. It was not his negativity, he simply knew nothing about the area, in fact, he didn't even know where he was. Perhaps the scholar knew...

[Tristam]

Tristam’s smile froze in place at the man’s words. “Yes…,” he said slowly, “I suppose those two options would not be mutually exclusive.” Tristam swallowed thickly and edged his chair back a little. Suddenly, he was grateful for the many pairs of eyes glancing their way. Likely they would simply get a good view and tell their neighbors on the morrow if a fight broke out. Still, witnesses were a comfort. Besides, the stranger’s madness did not seem of a homicidal nature. Yet.

The spattering of heavy rain on the windows jolted Tristam from his morbid musings. Having come this far, the scholar had no intention of not asking the pivotal question. “What exactly are they?” Tristam asked. “What do you see that unnerves you so?”

[Black Cat]

"The whispering." How Magnus loathed to say it, in his mind those words were eternally damned. Still he clenched his fists and continued. "They are the mad dead, lost among the living, their insanity forever excluding them from their chosen heaven." This was dangerous information, but was not what he feared the scholar knowing. "I learned to see them long ago, along with so many others..." With this Magnus paused, as the scholar now looked a little taken back. It put his mind at ease to know this, if the scholar was startled by this, he couldn't be one of "Them".

Magnus sighed once more, and pondered his words. He knew that he would wonder for as long as the stars burned, whether or not he should have imparted this knowledge. He himself knew how to endure, but thoughts like these could take there toll when floating in the minds of those so tempted by the truth. Yet perhaps this man was different, perhaps this man was more resilient. He could only hope this was the nature of the inquisitive stranger.

Magnus' ramblings helped pass the time, but the moment seemed to drag on endlessly, and the gentle melody of the icy rain striking the window made it seem as if the gods were now beginning to display their indifference to his suffering.
Had he gone to far? It would soon be time to find out.

[Tristam]

Tristam's eyes widened as Magnus described his.. well visions was the wrong word. He simply saw the dead, the restless dead. Or he was insane. Or both. Tristam felt in need of a stiff drink and went to raise his hand to call over the barmaid. His hand barely lifted off the table before he checked the movement. He did not want his jumpy host to misinterpret a raised hand.

The rain slapping against the window panes filled the silence but made it no less awkward. Tristam cleared his throat and leaned in a little. "I have read accounts of dark priests and sorcerers wresting spirits from their sleep to compel knowledge and service from them. Once I spoke with a man who claimed to call upon his ancestors' benign shades for guidance and strength." Tristam raised his face to look Magnus in the eye. "So I am prepared to accept that what you say may be true. But why would you do such a thing?" Tristam leaned further forward to speak in hushed tones. "Why train to the see the ghosts of the mad? Was that not the intent of your learning or is there a purpose to it?" Tristam shivered and the chill from the windows had nothing to do with it.

[Black Cat]

"They were not the goal, they were a byproduct. Victims of the crusades we lead." It all began flooding back into his mind, he could feel his heart beating rapidly as tried to continue. "The order cruelly imposed its beliefs on people. Hirana said it was necessary, that it was the work of the gods..." Magnus' hands started to shake, but he was determined to finish. "Hirana...He called himself a holy man, but I knew he was lying...."They" knew he was lying. He was a necromancer..." Magnus eyes widened and he without thinking he blurted out one final line. "Thats why they chase me! I killed...I killed Hirana...with all that he taught me...but they won't go away! I killed so many...so many people..." Magnus couldn't take this conversation anymore, with those last words he slammed his head to the table, and began to sob, hoping he could forget.

The rain outside was becoming increasingly violent, what was a once a small shower was quickly turning into a heavy storm, and the once lively crowd had whittled down to nothing more than a few barmaids. The scholar still sat across the table. Though Magnus barely noticed, he wondered briefly what the scholar would think, as these were days he cared greatly what people thought.

[Tristam]

For long moments, Tristam did nothing as the haunted priest shed tears to rival the rainfall. Was there anything to do? Were these visions just punishment for an evil life? It was poetic justice worthy of the greatest bards. He should walk way and leave Magnus to his torments.

Yet, Tristam continued to sit there. He prided himself on being a keen listener. That was real anguish in the broken man's voice. Magnus was penitent as well as pained. So, was there anything to do? All his years of scholarship provided no facts on how to sooth a heart in pain or redeem a lost soul.

Wordlessly, Tristam slid a hand forward and closed it over one of the fallen priest's. Words were inadequate in the face of such pain. Tristam hoped that his simple gesture would be eloquence enough.

[Black Cat]

It lifted Magnus' spirits just a little, to know the man had not abandoned him, and slowly the rain and his tears came to a halt. He realized there was no point in crying anymore, it changed nothing. He finally raised his head and looked straight into the eyes of the scholar.

"I didn't chose to be what I am." He said grimly, a hint of shame detectable in his voice. He didn't know why he had revealed so much to this man. A man whose name he still didn't know. "I want to put who I was behind me, I want to leave this place." Magnus stated, having at last pulled himself together. With that he decided to remain quiet, waiting for the scholars response.

[Tristam]

"I think it matters not where you go." Tristam replied soberly. "Your problems come from within more than without." Then Tristam smiled. "On the positive side, this means you can face and overcome them wherever you happen to be. I think you have taken the first step on that path today."

Tristam gave his hand a squeeze then drew his own back. Almost immediately, the scholar extended it again palm open. "My name is Tristam, scholar and priest of Aurelius. I wish you good fortune on your journey."

[Black Cat]

Magnus was again surprised at Tristam's pleasantry. It must have been ages since anyone had sincerely wished him well. He bowed his head in respect to the scholar, and introduced himself. " It is a good thing I met you Tristam, and you deserve to know my name. I am Magnus Serveri, once a high priest of the order of Khizarra." Then he raised his head to look the man in the eyes once more. " Perhaps you are right friend, but I still feel the need to leave. I want to see St.Denebriel, she alone has the power to pardon my sins." It was something Magnus felt he must do, believing it one of the few actions he could take in an effort to restore what was left of his faith. The question of the scholar remained however, where would he go, and who would he tell. Magnus had to know

"Where does your faith lead you, man of Aurelius?"

[Tristam]

"Wherever there is knowledge to be discovered." Tristam answered reflexively. His mind was occupied with the awkward situation of his outstretched hand. Apparently, the culture Magnus was from did not clasp hands in friendship. Tristam tried to let his hand naturally drift to the surface of the table so as to not draw attention to it.

"Specifically, I am bound for Scara Brae." Tristam elaborated. "I have heard rumors that a legendary creature has been sighted attacking ships and I could not help myself from rushing to see it." Tristam leaned forward. "Yet, you tempt me with other rumors of the rising of the living saint." Tristam ran a hand through his hair. "My tutors always warned me that a scholar cannot be a jackdaw. Chasing after every shiny piece of knowledge that comes along will only make one tired not wise." He chuckled then sighed. "Besides, I think a war is not the place for me just yet. I still have much to learn before I would ever act in such a pivotal way."

[Black Cat]

"Besides, I think a war is not the place for me just yet. I still have much to learn before I would ever act in such a pivotal way." Tristam made a near flawless point with this simple statement. War really was no place for a kind-hearted seeker of knowledge. Magnus knew this.

"I understand Tristam, but know wherever you travel you have the blessing of this priest, and need only send word if you ever need my help." He now had very little concern of the scholars possible betrayal, and was dearly hoping to keep contact with the man who had helped him so. Tristam's quiet expression seemed to agree. " I hope you will, because I think...I think it is time for me to leave. Thank you Tristam, I will not forget your kindness." Magnus would say no more than this, his departure would happen now, or it would never. With his renewed hope he willed himself out of his chair, and took his first step into the world that despised him so, struggling not to look back.

[Tristam]

Tristam watched the repentant priest force himself to his feet and walk towards the door. The stories he had heard of St. Denebriel did not speak of her mercy. They focused more on her zeal in the fight against the necromancer and his agents. Tristam feared his new acquaintance went to his death.

Still, it was at least a fate of his own choosing. Tristam admired Magnus for that. The scholar wished he could be of more help. In the end, he could only give the comfort that Aurelians have given so many others. "Magnus, I shall remember this day and record it so that others might know it too. Whatever happens in Salvar, you will be remembered and remembered well." Tristam promised. "Fare you well, Magnus. Safe journey."

[Taskmienster]

Father of Misguidance


I apologize for the delay, school kicked my ass and had a few person issues to resolve. However, I’m going to be working on this now and would like to formally welcome both of you to Althanas! It’s always great to see new people with their idea’s and distinct flavor of writing come to the site. ^^ This was submitted by both of you, and the information that you sent me said that one would like minimal commentary, the other one said that you wanted just the key factors noted so you can tell what to work on later. I’m going to go with the key factors, since it is in turn a minimal way of doing it. I generally, in a full and drawn out If either of you would like to know more in-depth what I noted I will gladly help you out. All you have to do is catch me via PM or you can always IM me on AIM at TheTaskmienster. Hopefully this helps, and I look forward to seeing more from both of you in the future!

Now onto the judgment!


STORY (14/30)

~ Continuity ~ (4)

~I didn’t get a whole lot of background for either of you, a little bit here and there as you talked but there wasn’t enough to really get a good picture of who you both were before you met in the tavern.

~ Setting ~ (4)

~The setting was pretty much ignored. Try to paint a picture for the reader so that we know what’s around and can at the least get an idea of what the place looks like. To take it a step further interact with the setting so that it becomes something more than a flat picture we are looking at and more so a place we can see ourselves, or our characters being in (if we’re writing with you or interested in joining).

~ Pacing ~ (6)



CHARACTER (17/30)

~ Dialogue ~ (7)

~Black Cat: When you talk to spirits, I’d suggest putting their words in italics, so that the reader and other players know that the spirit is only in your head and not speaking out loud with you.

~ Action~ (5)

~When you write, it’s not necessary to fight or anything else, but you can show ‘action’ through a variety of different ways. Magnus crying and breaking down was good, but you can both add quirks and things that fit your characters in these kinds of threads to help out. Action is about being a true ‘round’ character.

~ Persona ~ (5)

~Black Cat: Your dialogue plays off the insanity a lot. I was going to say that you should explain a little more of whom you’re talking about when you talk, but I kinda liked the haphazard and staccato stuttered words. It makes your character seem more real, more three dimensional (round as they say in English classes).



WRITING STYLE (20/30)

~ Technique ~ (6)

~When you write it’s not necessary to write the dialogue just told to you again, as the reader I know what was just said… it’s better to just write your response or a thought about the dialogue instead, as it flows much better.

~ Mechanics ~ (7)

~ Clarity ~ (7)

~Black Cat: When you write, you need to separate your paragraphs so that it is easier to follow. The way you have it now, such as in the first post, makes the back and forth speech with the ‘spirit’ (as I assume it was) difficult to follow. When you write you a new idea or a new thought process move away from the subject of one paragraph, you need to start a new one for the new subject. Splitting up dialogue so that it’s alone in a paragraph, like when another person talks, is also normally required.


WILD CARD!!! (7)

~This was an interesting, short, and well written little meeting. There wasn’t any killing, fighting, seduction, or anything else that I’m used to seeing in a Peaceful Promenade thread. I very much enjoyed it and look forward to reading more from both of you in the future.



TOTAL

(58/100)


GAINS/REWARDS!

Awarding you both 500 exp and 100 gold for the interaction and thread!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!