Lice vs. Zeke

[noodleguy]

Closed
The monks did not speak as they led Lice through the halls of the Citadel. Lice would have expected the area to be dimly lit, perhaps with a few torches, but in fact there were bright lanterns every few feet. On the walls hung a few motivational posters, with slogans like "DON'T DIE" and "YOU PROBABLY CAN'T DO IT, BUT DO YOUR BEST ANYWAY!
"We've been told that the Citadel was rather too depressing." one of the monks that was guiding Lice said, somewhat embarrassed.
Lice reflected on how he had even got to the Citadel. Power, that was it. The word that echoed around his brain like a single child in an inflatable castle. Power, that was what he had come to gain. Lice was starting to have doubts as to the effectiveness of this route. A monk carrying a mug stating "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE HOPELESSLY SADISTIC TO WORK HERE...BUT IT HELPS!" hardly did anything to ease his fears.
Eventually Lice and his companions reached the entrance to the arena. It was approximately eight o'clock in the morning, and the sun was overhead. The day was overcast and cloudy, and there was one or two inches of snow on the ground. The arena itself, however, did not look anything like Lice had expected.
The arena looked like some sick child's twisted image of a playground mixed with a torturer's dream location. Everywhere there were wooden structures, with thin planks running from one to the next. Each structure had two or three stories, accessible by ladder. They looked like islands in a sea.
A sea of what? Lice wondered, and he looked down. Oh. There were two foot spikes sticking out of the floor no less than eight feet below. The monks apparently had a very...direct way of doing things. You fall off the structures or the little bridges in between...you die.
"There's one more thing I probably should tell you...you see, half of the planks are broken."
"Broken! Are you insane, man?"
"Well, we had to do some maintenance after the last match...and we never got around to it...you know, with the snow and all and...just avoid any of the ones that look a bit unstable, will you?"
Lice looked across at the field of bridges and platforms before him. If what the monk had mentioned wasn't bad enough, it seemed likely that the layer of snow across everything concealed some ice as well.
Carefully, Lice edged across a random plank to a platform. Looking back he saw the monks disappearing in the distance. Well, that's alright for them now, isn't it? Eventually Lice reached the first platform. The trip seemed to have taken hours. Hoping to get a better view of the arena, he climbed up the ladder to the second story. Looking across he could see that the arena was ten platforms by ten platforms, each platform connecting to those directly next to it. Lice was in the middle platform on the opposite side from where his opponent would appear. Well then. Lice looked down at the ladder and the thin hole that gave access to the second story he was on and grinned. Lice had a plan, and there is little that makes a goblin happier than a plan.

[ZekeBK]

'Yes' Zeke thought to himself. "I love me an easy battle" He said out load. Zeke was very confident in himself, but he wouldn't let his guard down in the battle, arrogant be he may. Zeke kept on walking through the citadel being escorted by a monk who's bald head reflected the winter sun like a silver plate and blinded Zeke. "Are you going to be on the other guy's team?" Zeke questioned the monk "Going to jump out and blind me?". Zeke wasn't shy about telling people what he thought of them. Zeke pushed the monk to the side before he could answer.
He looked out the the bleak lake of rickety bridges and spikes. Zeke chuckled, this place was about as scary to him as a baby playing with a ball of cotton. As Zeke thought about the battle he became more and more confident in his ability to win. Zeke had so many ideas of how to defeat his enemy. Zeke actually thought of his enemy more of a prey than an enemy. Zeke was a bounty hunter and he was what, a goblin? Pfft. Zeke scoffed at the thought. 'I'll probably feel bad about this later' Zeke thought to himself for a solemn second 'Nah nevermind'. Zeke would take his prey by the feet and maybe pound him into the ground. Maybe he could just stab him in the face and watch the blood pour out of the place where his nose used to be. Whatever Zeke chose, he decided, must be creative.

[noodleguy]

Dude, your character is such a jackass! It makes me want to pound him even harder than I already am going to. Sorry dude, brains will beat brawn this time. :cool:
I have a question though: why is it not letting me indent my paragraphs? I'm having to put spaces in between paragraphs just so it doesn't look like one huge mass of text...

Lice sat up in his tower, watching as Zeke came out of the entrance. His opponent as a massive and muscular bounty hunter. Lice had to resist puking over the edge of the tower. What were those monks thinking, matching up a human with combat experience up against Lice? It had to be a sadistic joke of some sort. Knowing the monks, it probably was. Typical, typical, everyone takes advantage of goblins. Lice felt his fear turn into a little bit of anger. Good, Lice could use that. Anyway, there was still hope for survival, and maybe even victory. Lice did, after all, have The Plan. What’s more, his bulky opponent would surely be disadvantaged in this arena. His weight would mean he would have to go slower and be more careful on the platforms. The man was likely much less dexterous than Lice and was in more danger of falling. Yes, Lice did have a few things on his side.

It was time to set things into motion. Lice stood up and cupped his hands over his mouth. His head and torso were now clearly visible over the railing that demarcated the edge of the two story tower he was now standing on.

“Hey, guy! You fight old grandma’s too? What’s with you being paired up with a goblin like me and all? You practically that weak, huh?” Lice made faces at the bounty hunter down below. His face was already extraordinarily ugly, and when he stuck his tongue out and stretched his lips he looked even more ridiculous.

Quickly, before the enemy would have a chance to use any projectiles Lice ducked back under the cover of the rail. Luckily he hadn’t seen his enemy carrying bows or anything of the sort. If the enemy did have ranged abilities he could just fire death on Lice from the open skies above but…that didn’t seem too likely. Lice had managed to weasel out a bit of description about his opponent from the monks. He didn’t seem like the type who would plan anything that complicated out, after all. Beyond, perhaps, planning what would be the most amusing way to kill his victims. Lice felt sick to the stomach again.

Now I might be running out of time. Lice thought. Time to get things ready.

Lice drew his small sword from the crude sling it was in on his back. He lay flat on the floor facing the small hole where he knew Zeke would be climbing up the ladder to reach him and waited, sword in hand. Lice was positioned in such a way, and the ladder was in such a place that he would not be easily visible to anyone down below. Even if he was visible slightly, it wouldn't matter. And so Lice waited for his opponent to appear on the ladder below. And when the moment was just right…then Lice would take action.

[ZekeBK]

Zeke stared up at the goblin making his ridiculous faces and saying something about someones grandma. Was that thing talking about his grandma, his sweet loveable grandma?! Now Zeke was angry 'Nobody talks about grammy and gets away with it'.

Zeke thought about his opponent, tiny little Lice. Lice, a bug... yes Zeke had the perfect way to exterminate the little goblin. Squish him under the heel of his boot, 'yes excellent'.

Zeke looked down at the fragile bridges "I'm not touching those" Zeke thought aloud. He leaped over each gap instead of walking on the bridges, he didn't want to fall through into the pit of death.

Zeke finally, after some time of jumping, Zeke was fully pissed and ready to kill. 'I hate this stinkin jumping' Zeke thought to himself. Zeke walked up to the tower and looked up, he saw the goblin's nose sticking out over the edge. 'Is he serious?' Zeke thought. "Are you serious?" Zeke called out. Zeke just shook his head and went to the ladder. He began to climb the ladder, one armor plated over his head to shield him from the attack he knew that was in pending. "I'll teach you to make fun of grammy!"

[noodleguy]

"Nobody talks about grammy and gets away with it" is the most singularly badass quote of the day, coming from your character, Zeke.

While he was waiting for the human to arrive at the tower, Lice got up and looked over the edge of the tower, watching the man’s progress. The man was jumping over the gaps! Was he a fool or was he just extraordinarily brave, Lice did not know. Probably a combination of the two, he guessed. Lice felt something like admiration towards the human, for just a moment, but that feeling quickly gave way to the old familiar terror. Anyone powerful enough to leap over that many gaps and not fall must be pretty formidable. Maybe Lice had overestimated his few advantages in this situation. For once Lice wished he had some ability to attack his opponents at range; his enemy would have been a sitting duck in this situation. That, unfortunately, was not how the world was, Lice thought. Best to use what means you have.

When the human was about half of the way to Lice’s tower he went back to his hiding place. He made the final preparation, tearing a square of cloth from his tunic. The cloth was a small rag, but it should be good enough.

Lice heard the human approaching from the sound of his voice, shouting something about someone’s grandmother. Lice was enraged. Nobody insulted Lice’s grandmother! His grandmother had been a stocky goblin matron, ugly and evil on the inside. She had raised Lice with few words and many beatings, and Lice hated her more than he hated anything else. It was simply not permissible for someone else to hate her more than he did. The human would pay for that insult, surely. Now it was personal.

Finally Lice heard the a large THUMP on the platform below, signaling that the human had jumped and was now just below Lice. The thought made Lice feel strange. Just below him, in fact, was someone who was trying to kill him. Well, it didn’t matter, this was a survival of the fittest world. Lice would do what he had to do.

Lice saw the human’s face appear below him. He was completely hideous to Lice’s eyes. Lice saw the human reach up to grab a rung, and heard him say something more about his grandmother. Lice had trouble understanding the human, perhaps he was slightly out of breath from all of the jumping he had just done. It was simply to be expected, Lice guessed.

While the human’s mouth was still open, Lice tossed down the rag at his face, hoping to do whatever he could to momentarily distract the human. Lice nimbly leapt to his feet and jumped. It was not an elegant jump. It was not even a particularly powerful jump; Lice did not have time to put a lot of force into it, he would simply have to depend on gravity to do the work for him. He jumped feet first into the hole where the ladder was, plunging down towards the face of his enemy. There are many unpleasant sights in this world, but a pair of nasty goblin feet plunging at you from above was probably in the top ten. Lice knew this fact and hoped to use it to his advantage as best he could.

"For gramma!" Lice shouted, somewhat randomly. For some reason it seemed like the right thing to say at the time.

[ZekeBK]

A rag fell on Zeke's arm as he walk climbing up. A rag, a stinky smelly rotten goblin rag. 'Nobody throw's rags at me' Thought Zeke. He shook the rag off his face and stared up where he saw hideous wart ridden feet, falling down from the sky at him. Zeke fell backwards just in time to have the feet not hit him in the face, instead he was hit in the stomach. As Zeke fell he thought, 'First you make fun of my grandma, then you try to kick me in the face?! I've had enough!'. Just before they hit the ground Zeke changed thier falling order by grabbing hold of the goblin's legs and flipping over. 'It's not the squishing I hoped for, but it'll work'

[noodleguy]

At first Lice’s attempt went exactly as planned. The rag was effective at distracting the man, and when Lice came down feet first the enemy was caught off guard and forced to lose hold of his grip on the ladder. Lice’s feet plowed into his enemy’s stomach, making a very satisfyingly strong impact. As the two fell, somehow the human managed to twist around and leave Lice falling underneath. Lice looked up and saw the ugly grinning face of the human staring down on him. This was not exactly what Lice had planned.

Lice attempted to thrust his sword up, creating a spike not unlike those in the pits below, but there was no time. He landed on the ground with the human directly on top of him, nearly suffocating Lice. The weight was unbearable, but luckily the mid-air maneuver that the man had pulled was partially incomplete. Only Lice’s lower body was covered by the human’s torso. Lice somehow managed to wiggle out from his legs from underneath. Crawling backwards along the platform towards the plank wondered what he would do next. In this position Lice was completely vulnerable, his advantages gone. Luckily he had managed to maintain a hold on his sword, and Lice used it to prop himself up. He stood facing the human, holding his pathetically small weapon shakily before him. In his opponents hands it could have been a butterknife.

“Let me know your name before I kill you. It’d be practically rude if I didn’t, Mr. Bounty Hunter.” Lice said with a hint of false bravado. He spat on the ground, where his spit turned directly into ice in the freezing cold. Lice wasn’t equipped for this sort of weather, and it was starting to get to him.

Stalling and buying time, that was the key. Eventually the human’s weight would be his downfall, Lice was sure of it. Weren’t there some monks somewhere that used their opponent’s size against them or something? Looking up at his opponent, who must have been at least a foot taller; Lice wished he had asked the monks in the tunnel about it. If he got out of here alive, maybe he would.

[ZekeBK]

Zeke got up from the fall, 'dangit stinkin' goblin'. Zeke glared menacingly at the goblin. Zeke saw the goblin hold up his puny sword and spit, 'HOW DARE HE!' Zeke thought. He heard the goblin ask his name or something, all he could really hear was babbly babble babble. "My name..." Zeke grinned "Is... Pain!". Zeke quickly whipped out his dagger and threw it into the goblin's left foot with amazing power and accuracy, pinning the goblin to the icy ground.

[noodleguy]

You wascally wabbit...oh well...:mad:
I have to go to class now, so I might not be able to post again until this evening, or at least late this afternoon. Sorry.

Pain? Surely this human was kidding Lice. Never had the goblin heard such an absurd name. Lice pondered this for a while. Could it possibly be a nickname? Or maybe just intended to-

Lice was snapped out of his thoughts abruptly by a sharp pain in his foot. Looking down, he saw that a knife had been thrown at point blank range into his foot. At first he viewed this fact rather abstractly. Then the pain caught up to his in one nasty, violent moment.

Many species, when inflicted with pain will howl out in pain. Some scream, often loudly. Lice did none of these things. His eyes watered up and he winced pathetically, but mercifully his foot was mostly numb from the cold anyway. Lice dropped his sword, and it clattered off the edge of the platform loudly. Looking down, almost in a daze, Lice realized that the knife was not embedded in the wood very deep. Experimentally he lifted his leg up. Further waves of pain coursed through his body.

“Pain…” Lice whimpered.

That probably was not such a good idea. Looking up at the human, who was still wearing that nasty grin on his face Lice could tell already that he had lost this fight. Unless…if he could possibly bear the pain for just a few more minutes…

Lice limped backwards onto the plank, ever so carefully. He was about halfway across when he felt exactly what he was looking for. A patch of black ice. Ever so carefully and nonchalantly, Lice slid one foot over it, then the net, until he was nearly on the end of the platform but not quite. The pain was excruciating, but the coldness of the snow numbed it. Where Lice had been walking he could see the snow was stained bright red. The sight nearly made him puke.

Now on the opposite side of the patch of ice, Lice bent down, making it look as if he were trying to pull the knife out. He mimed the action, but in reality he was jamming the point…the point sticking out of the bottom of his foot…he was jamming that point as deep into the wood as possible. He attempted to shove the knife a bit deeper even, but he found he couldn’t bring himself to do that. Standing back up, Lice made a look of frustration on his face, as if he had intended on pulling the thing out but hadn’t been able to. Standing in place, Lice cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted.

“I guess you’re just too much of a coward to fight like a man, Pain. Always throwing toys at people are you? A real fighter wouldn’t be too chicken to fight a measly old injured goblin face to face.”

Lice pantomimed chicken wings, in the classic gesture of mock cowardice that is accepted in all universes that are in possession of winged fowl.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Lice knew he couldn’t take much more. Having the human fall on him was bad enough, but his foot was killing him (quite literally, in fact.) If this wasn’t over soon…but never mind that thought. It would be over soon.

[ZekeBK]

Zeke started to walk towards the goblin, 'Did he just call ME a coward? He was just saying stuff about my grandma and now he has the audacity to call me a coward.' When Zeke was close to the goblin he picked up the goblin's weapon that he had dropped. He frowned at the bleeding green thing "Too bad, Pain was too much for you." Zeke went to thrust the other weapon into the goblin's other foot, but since he got to get up close to land the attack, this time the unexposed section of blade would almost go to the hilt.

[noodleguy]

Lice watched in horror as the man who called himself Pain picked up the sword-Lice’s sword- and walked towards Lice on the plank. The man was a grim phantom of death, stalking towards Lice with all the self-assurance of a timberwolf. Lice stood perfectly still, like some small animal caught watching the predator that would be its imminent doom. Watching the man approach Lice wondered if it was true that your life flashes before your eyes before you died. Lice hoped not, because in that case he would be forced to relive this all too solid apparition that was stalking towards him now. The man’s intentions were clear. In order to execute his plan of completely immobilizing Lice the man would have to get close…hopefully close enough…

Yes! The man was standing exactly where Lice intended, about a foot in front on the patch of black ice. Lice leaned forward slightly and grabbed the man, hugging him to his torso. Using all of the strength remaining in his body, Lice swung his body together with the man’s directly over the edge of the plank.
Lice could feel the tendons in his foot ripping down the length of his knife, and he screamed out in pain. The knife held though, and Lice’s foot was glued to the plank below. The man, however, was not necessarily so lucky. Lice managed to maintain his iron grip on the man’s torso, and, aided by the reduced friction of the ice Lice swung the two over the edge of the plank into oblivion.

It is a curious feature of the common louse that will hang on to life with grim sincerity and determination, no matter the size and power of the forces that are aligned against them. They will cling to the host with their pathetic strength until the very end. Lice’s actions could almost be construed as bravery by someone who was unfamiliar with the affairs of goblins. But there is an unusual rangy, dangerous sort of cowardice which is supplied to the parasites of this world which can sometimes be similar.

Lice lost sight of the human now. He lost sight of anything, hanging upside down on that plank in the Citadel. The pain of his foot seemed to crawl up his leg, eventually reaching his eyes and clouding his vision. Eventually, with a small sigh, Lice passed out, allowing the blackness to finally consume him.

So we're done once you post now, I believe. We submit the thread for judging now, yeah? Because Lice is down and out. I'm not sure how you'll survive this either :D

[ZekeBK]

Zeke walked towards the goblin ready to strike, but as suddenly as a spark from a fire, the goblin latched onto Zeke and hurled him over the edge into the dingy pool of spikes. Zeke had to think quick, the goblin was already screwed, so he didn't have to worry about him. Zeke's one and only concern was living, even if it meant sparing the goblin. No that wouldn't be nessicary, Zeke had already formulated a plan in midair. Zeke turn and spun in until he was in the appropriate position. Zeke braced for the impact. Zeke held onto the spike with a steely grip, but he still slid down a bit. Zeke tightened his grip and stopped sliding downward. He was but centimeters away from having a spike through his spine. Zeke sighed with slight relief. 'Now, all I have to do is get back to that platform, he looked back, he was farther than he thought. 'Crap'

[noodleguy]

Should I submit the thread for judging?
Also, maybe I wasn't clear about this, but Lice used the knife to peg himself to the plank so he wouldn't fall but Zeke would...
Anyway, doesn't matter now.

[ZekeBK]

(OOC: Oh, he was pinned to the plank still?i thought he threw both of them off when it said, and he threw the 2 off. dang, oh ,uhm then i have to change that post. 1 second...)

[ZekeBK]

done. yes we should submit it now

[noodleguy]

Yeah, well what happened was Lice pinned himself to the board in order to ensure that when he threw the two of them off the plank, Lice would stay attached, hanging upside down like a bat.

It's my bad, looking back at it I did not make that whole scene nearly clear enough. I was pressed for time, sorry.

Anyway, submitting this thread for judging now.

[Taskmienster]

Lice vs Zeke


Well well, hello and good day to both of you. Congrats on finishing your first thread, it’s always a fun milestone to get past. That being said, I will be judging this thread today and in doing so will be giving out advice for both of you in each category. After a comment that I make, if it is specific to something you wrote in a post, I will put the number of the post I’m commenting on in brackets [] so that you can return to that post and see what I’m speaking of. Of course, if you need further comments, or anything of that nature (such as complaints and the like) feel free to PM me or catch me AIM for further explanations. I’m here to help, not impossibly to approach, so I always welcome the curious (or in some instances the angry… lol). And with that, here is your judgement.

The only other comment that I have regarding the thread, in general, is that you should attempt to keep the OOC notes in the thread to a minimum. And if possible, never a post that is JUST OOC. Keep those types of comments to PM's if you can. =) On with the judgment!


ZekeBK

STORY (13/30)

~ Continuity ~ 4

~See Noodleguy’s comments.

~ Setting ~ 4

~You didn’t explain how your character felt according to the setting, or what it looked like as well as Lice did, and didn’t really use it all that much at all. If you want to pick up the pacing and use the setting try and push your opponent into small traps and such that would be around. Use the setting, it’s there for you to take advantage of.

~ Pacing ~ 5

~See Noodleguy’s comments.


CHARACTER (14/30)

~ Dialogue ~ 5

~Your dialogue, for the way I had to assume your character acted, wasn’t what I would expect. There was a whole lot of it too, and I was somewhat confused as to whether you were thinking something or saying outloud at times. Remember; separate your paragraphs and streams of thought so that it’s clearer. Also, it is common to put spoken words in full quotes (“) instead of the apostrophe. Work on that and you should be fine for future threads.

~ Action~ 5

~The fight was well done. However, you can show your background and character through actions just as well as anything else. Keep that in mind and show me your character, don’t just tell me who he is.

~ Persona ~ 4

~I only got a very little about who Ezekiel was. Try and show who you are through your actions and dialogue. See Noodleguy’s comment for further example.


WRITING STYLE (14/30)

~ Technique ~ 5

~Your metaphor to crushing the little ‘Lice’ like a bug was good. It is stuff like that you are looking for when writing. See Noodleguy’s comments for further help.

~ Mechanics ~ 5

~I saw numerous punctuation mistakes. Take your time; write the posts in a program like Word if you can so you can clean up the posts as you go. Just the little red and green lines helps in the end, since it tells you when something is spelt wrong, or grammatically incorrect. In the end it also helps clarity a whole lot as well.

~ Clarity ~ 4

~When you write, remember that if you don’t put spaces between your dialogue and the paragraphs that separate your thoughts you tend to lead to a very muddled thread that’s hard to read. Just take a little time and write it out and make it clear.

WILD CARD!!! 4

~You had numerous instances of bunnying, which I did not see approved before hand. As it stands, things like grabbing your opponent, or throwing a dagger through his foot without giving them the option to dodge or retaliate is bunnying. Try to avoid that in the future and you’ll be peachy.



Noodleguy


STORY (14/30)

~ Continuity ~ 4

~Ah continuity, the hardest of things to keep up with in a short battle thread, but the most pivotal of things to worry about while writing. If you don’t give a small background, even if it’s just how you learned to use your weapon, where you’re from, past event comments… they help. Keep in mind that coming into a thread; the reader does not know anything about Lice. You don’t have to write an entire post JUST about his background, and in fact I normally encourage the writer to spread it out as you go, blend who he is in with your writing, actions, dialogue, and personality.

~ Setting ~ 5

~You used the setting well, not just description wise but also in the way you USE the setting… with the planks and the way you hid at the top of the ladder. The only qualm I had with anything was the description at the opening, which was not very well written out, only because I couldn’t picture the scene well. Keep in mind that you are describing an entire area that’s coming out of your head, and the reader and your opponent need a rather detailed description that they can work off of.

~ Pacing ~ 5

~The pacing was well done on both sides, kept up the action and the back and forth arguments. Though it was somewhat abrupt at the end, can’t really expect much else in such a one sided battle.


CHARACTER (18/30)

~ Dialogue ~ 6

~Your dialogue is good, interesting, and funny. The opening was amazingly awesome, with the posters and your reactions and the monks own words… very good. But I think that inner thoughts could have been more prevalent, and brought something more to the thread. Of course, some people don’t write inner dialogue a whole lot, but in a battle thread it works a lot better than spoken word because when you’re fighting you don’t always have the time to make a witty rebuttal. On that note, there was a bit too much at times between you and Zeke…

~ Action~ 6

~The tactics that you assumed were funny, and realistic for the ugly little goblin. They not only were smart and used the setting well, but they also very good at lending to who Lice is and how he thinks. It helped with the persona very much.

~ Persona ~ 6

~A very funny character, unique and fun, and yet you maintain the necessary level of writing maturity that makes the ‘humorous’ part of the thread and the character not become something akin to a cliché slap-stick thread. My only comment towards your personality is seen above in dialogue, and throughout your judgment.


WRITING STYLE (19/30)

~ Technique ~ 4

~Here and there I was given a metaphor or some other form of writing technique. Try to keep in mind that they only improve the thread and the readers experience while reading. They don’t have to be elaborate, or every other sentence, just something now and then. Also, make sure that you can fit them in without it being awkwardly placed.

~ Mechanics ~ 8

~I saw a couple errors, that was it. Well written.

~ Clarity ~ 7

~The first post was a muddle of nonsense, but then again; Althanas doesn’t let you indent and you didn’t know that. However, after that it was fine. I never had to re-read anything as I went.

WILD CARD!!! 6

~Yessss, the opening with the motivational posters and coffee mug, along with the comment about the sadistic monks… awesome.



TOTAL

ZekeBK 45!

Noodleguy 57!


GAINS/REWARDS!

ZekeBK gains: 125 exp; 50 gold

Noodleguy gains: 550 exp; 100 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!