TEAM REGISTRATION: Matheson Twins

[Lord Saladin]

Team Name: Matheson Twins

Team Members: Savannah Matheson (Lord Saladin) and Sebastian Matheson (Sebastian)

Links to characters:

Savannah (http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17840)

Sebastian (http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17846)

NB: I'm not sure if we are ahead of schedule in doing this, however, I have limited time due to the Festive Season, and will not be able to get online after Monday, until the first week in January. As such, we will have to put up our team registration and trial submission by Monday.

[Lord Saladin]

Thump. Thump. Thump.

The banging of hammer against anvil filled the air, as blacksmiths went about their work; swords, daggers, battle hammers, horseshoes all being made in preparation for a skirmish in a few days. The rhythmic beat of skilled workmen served as a metronome to the battle ensuing within the cobbled courtyard of some lesser Lord.

Clang. Clang. Clang. Clang.

Mayhap it was three strikes of steel against steel as sword met sword in a wonderful, awe inspiring dance. A dance that could easily lead to the death of one combatant or the other, but a dance nonetheless. Graceful, flowing, dangerous.

This time of the day, just as the sun was rising, had been assigned as training for those within the military. Whilst normally there would be a courtyard full of soldiers paired up, practising whatever weapons they were proficient in through sparring with others, today was entirely different.

None dared to step beyond the pillars that gave the courtyard its outlining corridors, into which were situated forges, armouries, farriers' workstations, and all manner of workshops related to the art of war. Nay, not even the old man, Arthur, who led the army, dared step into the cobbled area of battle.

What was transpiring ascended simple sparring, this was far beyond mere practice of the blade. Blood would be drawn, sweat already poured, and if either fighter made an error, death could ensue. A battle more fervent than any between Lords vying for the throne of the long dead king was taking place right here. Many would have paid good money to witness such a conflict, yet those surrounding the two fighters, each carried on their face a nervousness that was matched by the shuffling of feet, the shifting of eyes, the obvious desire to be anywhere else.

All except, of course, for Arthur Matheson. He watched on as his only children engaged in what, for ages past, had been expected between brother and sister - an ancient term that was epitomised here: Sibling rivalry. A sadness marred his aged face, knowing that once again he would have to tend to the wounds of one of his children. That the wounds were not caused by an enemy made them sting even more. At least, in the mind of the army's leader. Sitting down on an old, rickety wooden chair without padding, he barely blinked as hands rested on the rough wool of his uniform; though leader of the army, he was still considered nothing more than a serf. Some of his subordinates had better clothes than he. That didn't matter right now, as his offspring engaged in combat.


Savannah pushed back the blades of Sebastian, forcing her twin to jump backwards some distance. Damn that boy, why did he fight with such idiocy? The woman's green eyes were alight with a hatred for her brother. The boy was an idiot, he didn't understand the tactics of battle, he couldn't do, otherwise he would be gaining the advantage. Logic was defied in this man, this 'brother' of hers, and it sickened her to the bone, curdling her stomach, making her retch unwillingly. As he jumped back, she spent a half second observing him.

It was his face, that annoying, putrid face. It irked her, grated against her skin. Just as each of the men he locked arms with grated her. Why? She could not understand the logic of wanting a man. All factors made it superior to engage in relations with a woman, each nuance of the female form and psyche spoke of grander satisfaction in myriad ways. That her brother, her own flesh and blood, her womb-partner no less, would find liking for other men, in her mind, was unnatural.

There was only that half second of leeway she offered, and in that time also had the positions of both his blades been noted, so as he landed upon the cobbles, she rushed forwards once more. That was yet another factor in the defiance of logic; Sebastian used two blades, whereas Savannah much preferred a single sword. Why then could the boy not gain the advantage four times out of five? It was a situation that annoyed her severely.

"You inept little worm, fight properly! Stop disgracing father like this."

It was bitterness, radiating like a beacon in the night, that tainted her voice, giving it a sting that made Arthur wince with pain. She could not realise his pride for both children - they were his greatest soldiers, both key factors in many victories the army had gained. He shook his head slightly as he watched Savannah lunge forwards, her broadsword stabbing for the exposed left leg of Sebastian. The girl was good, she noticed everything, every opening, every break in her own defence. In truth, she had surpassed her teacher, her father, many years ago. Arthur knew if ever they were forced to fight, he would lose.

Savannah kept her eyes, those eyes full of hatred for her brother, her twin, locked onto his own. Both were of the same colour, and met perfectly. As such, she was able to watch the blades of her opponent, her life long opponent, and stay prepared for any counter attack. The blades of the boy were currently crossed, covering his chest, the flats of the blades facing her. But, onwards she rushed, the blade heading directly for his left thigh, to end this stupid fight, and to once again show her superiority with the blade.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

And so continued the blacksmiths' hammers, forging the weapons of war, their eyes focusing on the work at hand, their ears and minds, however, drifting to the fight that was unseen due to the barrier of soldiers shifting uneasily on their feet.

In this moment, where three strikes of the blade were not acting as counter stroke to a hammer's thump, the work of the weapon makers was like a deafening thunder to those in observance. For the two who were engaged in battle, it was a distant sound, near silent.

[Sebastian]

On the border(s) of what might bring the twins to an end with a simple structure, shuffling along the edges of the calm before the storm, their blades did clang.

Surrounding eyes moved elsewhere, anywhere, if not to only pray for the two in the middle of the Lord's cobblestone courtyard to be interrupted. Of course, Arthur was the only one with enough heart to watch two loved ones fight, even if the end it would kill him. As each time the two fought, something beneath flesh and bone was robbed, slowly killing the Father.

Perhaps if the blacksmith, who even now continued his profession, would be defiant and do anything but create, then, perhaps, Arthur wouldn't have to see such turmoil within the family. For, don't you see, the two brown haired, green eyed children were the only two things he had. And everyone knows well the Father would die for the two without so much as a hesitant thought. Though, to see this, such emotion that was anything but thrilling (the way swordsmanship should be) did so much more than any knick or cut to him could.

Maybe if the tired world wasn't in just as much turmoil from all seeking land and doing everything in their power to gain as much, then there might have never been a reason for the two children to have ever touched a sword. Get that first wrap around the hilt, first swing swung with a melodic hum that.. left a younger girl and boy in awe, or a first practice spar where the two would learn to utilize not only their swords, but themselves, as weapons. But, what really finished it, was the first kill. Arthur wondered if past choices as a Father were right, but he knew his children, for they were just like him at that age, and he knew the two were destined to wield a sword. Like everyone else, Arthur watched Savannah and Sebastian dance a dance as old as time itself with an overdrawn sigh.

Savannah took the lead as she forced Sebastian to jump backwards to continue the flow. Far be it for Sebastian to be the cause of a wrongful step in this wild dance that consisted of feet dashing, heart pounding, dramatic cliches and prolonged pauses. Much like now, giving just enough time for a quick verbal exchange and a few breaths.

Matted brown hair stuck to Sebastian's cranium. Those green eyes noting as much as possible within the allotted time to give recognition to surrounding placements. And to be honest, the greatest detest here was for the cobblestone flooring. Always rough and quick to cause pain when Savannah threw him to the ground. God forsaken cobblestone painted by time itself. Racks of armor and weapons placed along the confines of the Courtyard, but easily construed due to the mass bodies watching the two. And had more time been given, then sight might have left Arthur and his plagued face to the sky above. Where source of warmth and perspiration produced.


"You inept little worm, fight properly! Stop disgracing father like this."

Eyes never went past peripherals; it was early on that Sebastian learned not to turn back to Savannah when engaged. And, like any other time, her outrageous voice irked him. Seriously, he just didn't understand why she wouldn't find a male companion. At least they have a nice juicy cock for big-mouthed people like Savannah, but no; she wanted to make use of her fingers in a whores hole. The bitch. Sebastian spat to the side before commenting.

"To fight properly would mean to do as you wish! And sis, I just can't do that; for then, I lose the sole pleasure of pissing you off!"

There it was. Bait and hook. Those green eyes flared with animosity while the words were wrapped in asperity. The niche to Sebastian's otherwise great being. And she came running to the faint nonrhythmic tune the Blacksmith orchestrated. Too, did she bare open arms with an already extending blade that waited to wrap themselves around Sebastian. Or his left thigh. That sadistic wench! To have the heart and make those late nights just late nights!

Fortunately enough, Sebastian had plans later on that night that he really did not want to get a rain-check on. The guy was brazen, strong, fed Sebastian with sugar-coated lies, a fist and had a nice ripe ass. One's hands were meant to grope and Sebastian fucking did. Oh yes! Then, when things were anything other than sexual in taste, there were those deep blue eyes accentuated with ashen hair. Oh. Right!

Savannah's frontal attack was made null by a 180 degree pivot on the left heel and to Savannah's right. Her blade would pass through nothing but air, aided by a wielded left-handed blade of his own, having left that crossed formation. What came next was the secondary blade, whom with all its blunt-sided action would try and strike dull horizontally upon her right leg.

This may have been the reason Sebastian lost more times than not to Savannah; Not one for causing harm, even to a sibling he detested so much. No real satisfaction from that, but what came with verbal assails was priceless. To catch every fumbled word, expression and pause as the person tries to think of a rebound response. That is where Sebastian found it fun to attack. Here, the two were merely enjoying one another's company with small talk of swordsmanship. Nothing too big... Yeah right. This chick was going down. Like the way women were meant to be. Down on the ground.

Who could have known, save those that weren't watching the two dancing a wars dance, that they were lost in opinions and innuendos? The two siblings stupid in thinking that they were so different. None dared tell them, figured the twins knew, perhaps they did, and the acceptance of this would be sad... but true.

[Ataraxis]

As judged by Ataraxis, with scores and comments discussed and agreed upon by Ebivoulya and Tristam, the members of Panel B.

Trial Judging
Team ‘Matheson Twins’

Good to see the two of you again! I'll be your judge this evening. Now I have to say this… I read this thread carefully, and I see potential, but there are many things that you will need to improve on. I’ll do my best to point you in the right direction, because it is my firm belief that you two can achieve this if you diligently work on your writing. How long it will take, however, is wholly up to you.

N.B.: As a note, Saladin, you might want to try writing without bolding everything. It’s more distracting than anything, and doesn’t really enhance the aesthetical aspect of your post. I do understand why you do it, though: I used to italicize everything, because back then I felt it gave my writing some elegance. I worked my way out of that habit, because a lot of people thought it was very hard to read.

N.B. #2: 2.5 on 5, for Althanas, means average: it's not the same as a failing grade, just in case you're wondering!

N.B #3: Scores and comments were discussed and agreed upon by Ataraxis, Ebivoulya, and Tristam, the members of Panel B.

Story – 2.5/5
I’d have to say that I enjoyed the concept behind their battle. I knew where they were (not in terms of which world or which planet, but that’s not actually necessary to mention) and why they were fighting. There was a story in the works there, and it was easy for the reader to understand the context of this whole thread. I also got a lot of insight on what your characters did prior to this battle (fought in the military, where they became famous for their prowess) and who they were (the children of a serf that rose through the ranks to become the army’s leader). You basically did very well when it came to introducing your characters to the reader.

In terms of setting, you didn’t do as well, but you did more or less adequately. I was able to get a general idea of the setting, what with the blacksmiths hammering away, the swords clashing and the crows gathered around the cobblestoned courtyard. Outside of that, though, there wasn’t much, and there was virtually no interaction with the setting (other than the fact that they moved in it). Lastly, though of lesser importance than Storytelling and Setting in the trials, your Pacing was affected by the awkward wording and the many mistakes in grammar and syntax, mostly in Sebastian’s post.
Character – 2.875/5
I’d say Character is the category in which you two did the best. On the Dialogue front, even though they didn’t have a very lengthy exchange (which is to be expected in a trial), I think you did wonderfully at depicting their psyche. They really do act and talk like the old ‘brother annoys sister, sister hates brother’s guts’, which you brought to a very violent level! You also managed quite well in introspective thoughts, though Sebastian was far less clear in this field. I had a lot of difficulty to understand what he was thinking because of the very chaotic nature of your writing. As an added comment about their Persona, well, their mirrored homosexuality and disgust for each other’s sexual orientation was a very nice touch.

When it comes to action, you did average. There wasn’t much in the battle except a clashing of swords and a few tactics here and there. I did, however, enjoy how obvious it was that they used different fighting styles. The fact that Savannah wondered about how Sebastian couldn’t even overpower her when he used an extra sword was a nice detail, and when we later learn that Sebastian was fighting like a drunken sailor just to piss her off, I smiled. For the future, keep inserting all of these little quirks they have in your writing, and focus a little more on doing more than sound effects for sword battles, and you’ll be able to rake a lot of points here.
Writing Style – 1.875/5
Writing Style is the category in which you’ll need to put more effort. When it comes to Technique, you both have a certain grasp of making the writing more dramatic to read. The thumping and clanging, though not exactly original, did add an interesting depth to their battle and served as a good transition into the actual gist of the thread. However – and I apologize if I’m mistaken – it suspect that you were both using a thesaurus to write your posts. I understand why you might have needed one, and really, thesauri are tools for writing and there’s no shame in using them, but I think you relied on them too heavily. Many words were used out of context, or were used with the wrong idea. At times, I couldn’t even make sense of what was written, though this happened mostly in Sebastian’s post. Additionally, Sebastian, you wrote a rather unorthodox mix of formal and casual writing, because at times it sounded like the narrator was eloquent and dignified, then it sounded like Sebastian took control with things such as ‘seriously, like, y’know’.

Mechanics was by far your weakest point in this thread. There’s a list of mistakes you did (not all of them, but a decent sample) that I’ve added to the notes below. My corrections and suggestions for improvement can also be found in these notes.

And lastly, Clarity: though I understood the story, the writing itself was thick and roundabout, and the sheer number of mistakes distracted me from a full understanding of the information you were trying to convey. My guess is that if you manage to correct your use of Mechanics, your Clarity score will increase in direct proportion, so do your best to brush up on grammar and syntax! And just as a reminder, always check to see if you’re using a word in the right context: if the thesaurus is unclear, just use a normal dictionary for a full list of definitions.

Final Score – 7.25/15!



Notes for Team ‘Matheson Twins’

Numbers between parentheses are post numbers. Even-numbered posts are Saladin, odd-numbered posts are Sebastian.

The banging of hammer against anvil filled the air, as blacksmiths went about their work (2) the comma is unnecessary.

as a metronome to the battle ensuing within the cobbled courtyard of some lesser Lord. (2) ensuing usually is used as an alternative for ‘following’, while you seem to be going for ‘occurring’ or ‘happening’.

Clang. Clang. Clang. Clang. Mayhap it was three strikes of steel against steel as sword met sword (2) Sounds like four! Also, I understand you were going for a stylistic pleonasm, but the steel-steel-sword-sword bit felt needlessly redundant and didn’t seem to bring much of anything to the sentence. Very good call on NOT writing mayhap with an ‘s’, though. I’ve read countless ‘mayhaps’ before, and that annoyed me to no end.

awe inspiring (2) awe-inspiring

What was transpiring ascended simple sparring, this was far beyond mere practice of the blade. (2) it can either be separated into two distinct sentences, or joined by a semi-colon. Otherwise, add a coordinating conjunction such as ‘for’: “(…)sparring, for this was far beyond (…)”

curdling her stomach, making her retch unwillingly. (2) While obviously (I hope) an expression of exaggeration, some might actually believe she thinks Sebastian is so stupid that she physically vomits during this battle. To avoid these ambiguous cases, you could try ‘curdling her stomach, almost making her retch’. The ‘unwillingly would be implied. If she is retching though, then… that’s quite some hatred she harbours for him.And so continued the blacksmiths' hammers, forging the weapons of war, their eyes focusing on the work at hand, their ears and minds, however, drifting to the fight that was unseen due to the barrier of soldiers shifting uneasily on their feet. (2) A good place to use semi-colons or to cut into distinct sentences. There are simply too many commas. You might find this a more engaging formulation: ““And so went on the hammering of blacksmiths, whose eyes focused intently on the work at hand as they forged the weapons of war. Their ears and minds, however, drifted to the fight they could not see due to the tall wall of soldiers shifting uneasily on their feet.”

On the border(s) of what might bring the twins to an end with a simple structure (3) I’m not sure why you used border(s). If you’re uncertain, it’s probably not the best idea to leave the choice of plural or singular to the reader, as that does make the writing seem less credible. Most people avoid parentheses in literature for the same reason, and favour the use of dashes instead – like this.

Also, as a general note, your first sentence is quite cryptic, as the metaphoric objects of comparison are ambiguous and apparently unrelated. I also suspect incorrect syntax, but I can’t even be sure since the meaning still escapes me. My only suggestion to avoid these situations is to carefully reread your sentences, once for semantics, once for syntax, and one last time to be sure they make sense in every respect.

even if the end it would kill him . As each time the two fought, (3) I suspect you meant ‘even if, in the end, it would kill him’? Moreover, you’re starting the second sentence with a coordinating conjunction, which really defeats the purpose of having a coordinating conjunction. The only cases where this could work are in situations when you choose to start a sentence with ‘and’ or ‘but’ for literary effect.

And everyone knows well the Father would die (3) knew well. Be careful of changing tenses for no apparent reason. Unless it’s for stylistic purposes, you should choose one and stick with it.

any knick or cut to him could (3) nick or cut

with a melodic hum that.. left a younger girl and boy in awe (3) I’m unsure what punctuation you were going for, but there wasn’t a need any. At this point, you should know that your writing has become rather confusing. I have a very hard time making any sense out of what you’re trying to convey.

dramatic cliches (3) Dramatic… clicks, maybe ? ‘Dramatic clichés’ in a dance don’t exactly ring any bells for me.

Matted brown hair stuck to Sebastian's cranium. (3) I’m truly starting to suspect that you two might be using a thesaurus to write this. Not that cranium is an obscure word (it’s actually also a rather popular game) but most people would go for the simpler ‘head’, ‘skull’ or ‘forehead’ in this case. While that’s not actually a bad thing, as thesauri are a writer’s tools, you should use them sparingly and only in cases when you feel you’re becoming repetitious. Also, avoid using a word unless you’re certain of how it’s commonly used, depending on the context. For example, cranium is a word that would show up in scientific articles more than anything.

God forsaken cobblestone painted by time itself. (3) I’m not quite sure how time paints cobblestone, either literally or figuratively. I’m not sure why that matters, either.

confines of the Courtyard, (3) You have a tendency to capitalize words without rhyme or reason. One moment, you use ‘courtyard’, the other moment you use ‘Courtyard’. Moreover, you capitalise ‘father’, which leads us to believe their father isn’t a father in the sense of a paternal figure, but a Father in the sense of a priest.

learned not to turn back to Savannah (3) not to turn his back to Savannah

Also, another note: repeating someone’s dialogue in your own breaks the flow of the writing. To the reader, it’s like walking ten steps, going back five steps, walking ten more steps, etc. It’s preferable to write in a way that uses as little backtracking as possible.

make use of her fingers in a whores hole. (3) whore’s

nonrhythmic (3) arrhythmic

That sadistic wench! To have the heart and make those late nights just late nights! (3) I’ve really no idea what this is about. My only suggestion right now is to try and be more coherent when you write. Even though sentences are distinct, they should still convey a general idea, share a common goal when read as a paragraph. When I read the other sentences of this paragraph, I truly couldn’t figure out a logical progression, some sort of thread to follow in a maze of apparently unrelated words.
whom with all its blunt-sided action (3) which, not whom.

This may have been the reason Sebastian lost more times than not to Savannah; Not one for causing harm, (3) This may have been the reason Sebastian had lost more times than not to Savannah; he was not one for causing harm, (…)

with verbal assails was priceless (3) ‘assail’ is a verb. ‘Assaults’ is what you’re looking for.

two dancing a wars dance, (3) war’s dance

The two siblings stupid in thinking that they were so different. (3) were stupid

None dared tell them, figured the twins knew, perhaps they did, and the acceptance of this would be sad... but true. (3) None had dared tell them, as they all figured the twins already knew. Perhaps they did, and the acceptance of this would be sad... but true.