The Half breads shame

[Atenathon]

The Nameless Hero entered a taver (his tiger cub following close behind), looking about and observing every minute detail, as was his habit. Hero was cautious and cairful out side the protection of the mosk. He noticed the people sitting at the tables doing business or odering drinks and having chats. Namless went to a lone table that was free near the back of the room. He thaught that it would be better if he kept to himself.

As he walked he saw the people that were chating and eating at the various tables and noticed that he was different from them. Hero noticed this at the mosk where he lived to, all the monks where just like him from the waist up, but the legs were just to strate legs that did not have a tail or long, scaled, clawed feet. And suddenly he felt sort of awquard.

But Hero did not show it, insted he continued to remain reserved and concentrated on what he was to do now. Nameless needed some way to make a living. He knew that no one would simply give him everything that he needed, but what would he do?

Nameless sat down at the table and threw his bag on the grownd at his feet. The cub, whos name is lightnig, sat next to him looking around nervously. Nameless patted lightnings head to reasure the little cub.
He took off his pendiant, staring at the sterling dragon design, and started to think back to the day that he left the mosk.
The last conversation he had rang in his head almost as if he was re living the moment.
"You understand that you will have to work had to live in their world don't you?" Denock, the monk that had taken Nameless in when they found him, remarked.
"Yes I do Master Denock." Nameless replyed. "Thats part of the reason why I want to leave. You, and the other monks, have given me everything that I could ever need, and want. And Im afraid that I might have become unapreciative twards you kindness. That is why I am leaving the mosk. To be humbled by the world."
"But surly that is not the only reason that you are leaving the mosk? I can see it in your eyes. And our God has revield to me, as well as others here, that you feel out of place. Could this be due to the fact that you look different?"
"You are a wiser man than I could ever be Denock. Yes this is also due to my looks. But there is somthing else that has been bothering me, I don't know a thing about my parents. I wish to know. I have prayed for days and I feel quite strongly a prompting that I must leave here and search for them to better understand who I am, and most of all what I am."
"I know what you are, A blessing that God has given us, and you have been a great joy to us all."
"Thank you Denock."
The two embraced each other as if they were father and son by blood.
"Are you sure that you want to do this?"
"I am."
"Then take with you this." Denock held out an onix pendiant and a two handed sword hilt. "May these asist you in your journy, where ever you go."
Nameless took the two gifts from his beloved master and hugged him one last time.
"Fair well, my master."
"God bless, Hero. May the word of God give you strangth."
And Nameless Hero left the mosk, heading towards the town clossest to the mosk hidden in the mountians.

His thaughts then came back to the present. I have to find a job Nameless thaught but where should I look first. Hero shruged and placed the pendiant back into his tunik and sat back relaxing for the moment. "First of is a bead and some food."




This thread is oppen for any one who wants to join in.

[Atenathon]

The tavern maiden approched the tabel that Nameless sat at. She had golden curles that cascaded down her slender shoulders, a thin body wearing in a plain dress that just didn't sute her, and a face of an angel that held a scowle as she looked at him.
" what can I do for ya." she said. she realy didn't want to give him food or drink. He was a half breed, and a draconian half bread at that. she didn't want to waist good ale on this ugly creature.
"I'll juts have a cup of ale." Nameless notice her scowle and notice that it was directed at him. He then looked arownd after she had left and noticed that every one had that same look in their eyes, that same scowle. Hero knew that he was not welcome here.
what a bad waist of good ale she thaught to herself, a well, I can over charge him for it.
The tavern maiden came back with Hero's drink and splash as much as she could while putting it on the table.
Never mind getting a room and food here, Hero thaught to him self I should just get out of here as soon as posible with out any incident.

Unfortunately for Hero, fate is a crule thing that oftien changes our plans.
A huge an ugly man walked up to Nameless Hero's table and slamed his fist as hard as he could. "whats an ugly lizard half breed like you doing here." His voice was dull and primative sounding, reflecting the brute's intelegiance.
"I was just leaving." Hero responded, getting up as he spoke. Hero started to head for the door with his cub by his side, but the giant wall that had slamed its fist into the table barred his way.
"I don't think so, not untill I have some fun beating your little head into the ground." The brute said.
I was hopping to get out of here peacefully, but it looks like I'll have to defend my self. Nameless pulled out his iorn short sword as the big broot rased two axes above his head to swing down. Nameless jumped out of the way and moved in under the behemoths arms and put the tip of his blade under his opponents throte.
"I will be leaving now, do you understand?" Hero said slowly. "You will leave me alone."
Then the Nameless Hero left the tavern, sheathing his sword and exitting with his tiger cub following close behind.

[Atenathon]

As Nameless left the tavern, he was begining to wonder about himself. This was the fourth bar that he had to leave. What is wrong with me? why am I so diferent!!!! Then Nameless let out a roar that sounded like a dragon's roar, almost too much.

Nameless just ended up walking around for a while till he came to a nother tavern. I cant go into there, The same thing would happen at the other taverns. Unless...... Then Hero looked down at his hands. The looked enough like draconian hands to fool any one. Hero took his hood on the leather vest and fliped it over his head. Now I can eat in peace. Nameless was actualy happy now, at least some what. "Come on Lightning, we'll finaly get diner." And he pulled the cowle of his hood down and entered the tavern. People looked and turned there heads to see the new stranger entering the bar, but generaly people just thaught that he was just a nother draconian.

Hero found an empty table not too far from the door this time and sat down comfterbly. No one stared at him, no one cringed at his presence, and no one came to haras him. The stewared of the taver came to his table and asked "What can I get ya sur?"
Hero came up with the best draconian voice he could (which wasnt hard seeing as Hero is half draconian) and answered, "I'd like some ale and the house stew for me and my little friend here." Hero patted lightning on the head.
The steward noded his head and turned to get his order. Hero made a half smile at the fact that every one treated him like a normal living breathing soul. The rest of this day will be easyer, now just to find a job.

[Atenathon]

After a good hot meal, even though it was a little bland, Hero rented a room and stayed there for the rest of the night getting ready to find a job.
"I think I'll go find a smithy or some sort of open shop that I can work at. It would be better that doing nothing." Hero said to Lightning. "Well, we'll have all of tomarow to think of something. Night lightning." Nameless Hero sliped into the covers and fell asleep.

Around midnight he herd some one trying to open the door to his room. "Now who could that be?" Nameless Hero took out his sword and pulled on his tunic and vest. Then he pulled his hood over his head so that no one could see his face. Just as Nameless was about to grab the handle, the door swung open and the ugly brute that had attacked him before came barging in with a large malet and a botle.
"SO, we meet again 'hick'. That last time you caught me of guard with fancy your mooooves 'hick'. But this time Ox the Lox has ya'r guard of." the stubling drunk attempted to say with his not so clear voice or thaughts. The giant of a man took a nother long swig of his bottle and almost passed out. But the brute was deturmined to get a hit of his club on Hero's head. Unfortunately Hero didn't have to move from his spot to avoid the discoordinated drunks sad attempst at swings. Hero pushed him gently out of the room and into the hallway, then slamed the door in Ox's face. Causing Ox to sumble down the stairs and strate out the door.

"What I was doing now. 'HICK'." Ox the lox said out loud. Then procieded to his bar to get a nother drink.

"Sad strange little man. I almost feel sory for him." Hero rested well the rest of the night and the next morning he left to find work.

[Atenathon]

"I should have listened to Denock, its nearly imposible to get work around here." Hero complainded, and he would have to pay for the room when he got back to the in. Fortunately he sort of scary in the innkeeper's eyes, so he might get away with a nother day. But that would only make the payment higher, and Nameless didn't like taking advantage of people. In all honesty the room wasn't as expensive as it most other places becaus this in focused on the food insted of the rooms.
Nameless remembered the conversation earlyer that morrning
"So that is be sixty three gold pieces for room and diner, sir." The short, balding man stuttered in that whinny tone that he always spoke in, that seemed even more whinny when he talked to Hero. "I'm not trying to rush you with the pay ment, so please don't cause any trouble in my in, please?"
Nameless, who was always taught to be kind, tried to talk in the kindest voice that he could come up with. "My friend you are only doing your job, but if you could be so kind as to wait till I get back from the market, then I promis that I will gladly pay you." Hero felt sorry for the poor guy, mostly because he was always shaking.
"A-alright, I don't mind waiting." though the innkeeper was still shaking.

Hero searched hard yet still found nothing, and it was almost noon. Then hero stoped buy a crafting hall that was filled with dwarvs who were woking diligently on their pieces to sell on the stands. He walked over to a groop of dwarvs woking with silver.

A slightly taller-than-usual dwarf looked up to the new potential customer and walked over with a braud smile on his face. "Hellow! Names Durrendow, manneger of this fine stand." the dwarf was about an inch taller than the other dwarvs but had some elven facial fetures that were extreemly unusual for a dwarf. His pointed ears twitched excitedly to the beat of the hamers that where beating to a light hearted melody at diferent pitches. "is there something that I can get for ye. Perhaps something f'r ye lover, or one o me fine enchanted rings to ward of bad luck on them tresure hunts eh!"
"No, I'm actualy looking for work and was wondering if you would hire me." Nameless knew that the dwarf was not 100% dwarven, one of his parents had to have been elven. This was extreemly unusual for those two races to fall in love. "I use to live in a monestary that studied every branch of crafting and smithing, and I learnd alot about holy item."
"Now we don't just let any body use a hammer on one o' the anvils, but if ye be as trained as ye say ye are then show it. But I'm warning ye that I'll be havin' no funny bussines, ye hear?"
"Loud and clear." Nameless replyed, and he started on something that he knew would impress the odd dwarf.

[Atenathon]

Nameless worked for hours on his project. He taped the silver jently and stayed in tune with the other smiths. Hero enjoyed the work and when he was finaly done, he had created a piece of art that shined like a star on black blanket of night. The holy cross shone with the blessings of God with inscriptions from the bible etched into the dimonds that made up the small cross.

Durrendow was amazed at the holy icon that was created by this young, scrawny human. The young one told the truth, that he trained with monks of every craft. "Me lad, ye..." Then a suprised look was on Durrendow's face, his jaw droped and eye's wide.

Nameless looked down then back to Durrendow and realized that the dwarf never looked at his feet, Durrendow only looked up at his face. Nameless then realized that his job was over. But before he could do any thing the dwarf looked back up at his face and smiled widely "Hah! I shoulda kno' that one like ye would have made a pice this fine. I be the same, the son o two mis-mached races. It brings the best o both to the surface." Durrendow came over and shook Nameless's hand with a rock solid grip. "Me lad ye have the job."

[Atenathon]

Hero returned to the inn that he stayed at and payed the innkeeper who so paciently waited and went to his room to rest up. The money from the trinket was able to pay for the room and dinner with fifteen coins left over. This was going to be better for Hero, and dispite the hard times that Hero went throgh the past few days, it was worth leaving to have some adventure. Who his parents where was still the main goal, but haing the adventure that came with the search made things interesting.

For the next few days Hero fell into a sort of rut that he became comfterble with and had forgotien about the search. Then one night Hero heard talk of an old draconian who was searching for a child that was taken from him after his wife had died. Hero was sceptical of this strangers talk, keeping his hood down (like he always did at the inn) listened in on the conversation.

"Its the truth!" cried the one telling the tale. "A draconian that had the sadest face ever. And he actualy acted kindly to me, not like the usal shouting that a draconian would do."

His skeptical friends where bantering him and trying to belidle the story teller. "And where exactly did you see this "kindly" draconian." one of the maukers said.

"Over in the capital, Radasanth." The story teller replyed, he had an anoyed look on his face and left for the rooms.

Hero thaught about the story and then went chasing after the man who met the draconian. "Is what you say true?" Hero asked after catching up to the man. "What did that draconian look like?"

The man blinked at hero, surprised at his anxeous tone to hear more. Then he realized that this was not a human he was talking to but a draconian, or atleast thaught that it was a draconian. "Yes, my tale is true friend. Why? Is he your father or other relative?"

"I don't know." Hero answered. "But He might be, or atleast know, my father." Then Nameless went back down the stars and paid the innkeeper for the food and went back to his room quickly. The innkeeper had no complaints. Frankly he didn't like the half bread that had stayed at his inn. And hoped that he would never return.

After getting together his pack, sword, money( 325gp) and other things, and left to say farwell to Durrendow. "Do ye realy have ta' go? We were jus' becomin' friends." The dwarf said. He was truly sorry to see Hero leave, but he knew that it was importiant, and that Hero must go. Hero nodded his head and the two grasbed each others hands in a strong grip. "Come back soon me friend, would be a plesure to have you making ye pieces again here. Ain't had better business till!" The two laghed out loud and Hero departed, heading into the night to search for his suposid father.

[Atenathon]

Hero was on the road before he new it and was headed for the Coroné capital. Hero and Lightning walked a quarter of the way there and setup camp before night fell. Lightning the cub that followed Hero around cuttled close to His friend and put his head down to sleep. Then the little tigers ears perked up and he looked around. Lightning's big round eyes looked at Hero.

"I know." Nameless wispered. "we are being watched. Don't let them know, wait till they strike. till then sleep lightly my friend."

[Atenathon]

Fortunately for Nameless and Lightning, the watcher was not there to attack them. He was there to observe. Private investigator Eldante Alvernan was the best elven investigator in the whole of Corone even if he was cheeper than most other. That was his trick though, he would seem to be not as good as people say by lowering his price so that only honest people who could afford little would come to him. This case in particular was odd though. A draconian had come to him with a request that the detective help him find his son. The white scaled reptilian humanoid had locks that came down to his shoulders and horned spikes that came up. But the odd part was not he request for the search, and neather was the draconian, the strange thing was the description of the child that the draconian gave. A half bread of human and draconian with blond hair, white scaled feet and tale, and golden brown eyes. The elf could hardly belive the request, but now that he was looking at his objective, he could not doubt the draconian's words.

"You search is over my friend." Eldante said. then layed out in the bushes and slept when he thaught that the objective was in dreemland.

[Atenathon]

Hero noticed that he was being folowed. He noticed that he was being folowed al the way to Radasanth. Nameless entered the city and started walking around. He folowed severl side streets and then went down an alley-way. Hero went around a sharp corner, then another in hoping to see his persuer, but as he expected the person taleing him did not folow into the alley-way.
UP! The roofs!
Hero left the alley and made sure that his hood was down low. Nameless Hero took many turns and entured a tavern. Hero knew that if the persuer was on the roofs then he would have to folow into the tavern.

It took half an hour for Eldante to deside wether to go into the tavern or not. Finaly he walked in, hoping that his objective wouldn't notice him. Eldante had no idea what this halfbread was like, so aproching him would be risky, or letting the young one get too close. Eldante entered the bar, acting like a drunk tumbling and swaying to and fro to fool the half bread.

To Hero the elf did nothing to fool niether him or lightning. Hero could tell that the stumbling was faked though the pretended drunk was doing a good job with the acting. The elf sat down at the bar and orderded a pint. Hero got up and joined him.

"you're good at acting but I am not so easaly fooled." Hero said quietly to keep the converstion private. "Why are you folowing me around?"
"you've got a sharp wit, the best chase that I had. I was taling you becuase I was paid to look for a draconian human half bread. Aperantly it was your father."

[Atenathon]

Hero's eyes widened at the mention of his father. "Where is he, when can I meet him?" Hero wanted desperatedly to find his father, the parent that loved him and caired for him.

Eldante thaught about it for a minute and had come up with an idea. "Look, I am going to meet the draconian in about an hour or so in a chirch. why don't you come and join me?" Eldante took a sip of the drink that he had ordered and set the drink back down.

Hero thaught about the praposal and desided to agree. He knew that he had nothing to loose. After all, this is where his father was looking for him. "Alright, I'll go."

Latter that day, after a hot meal, Nameless and Eldante left for the pub that the elf was suposeto meet the draconian in. The two waited for five minutes before the draconian came. Just like the description from the other man, the draconian was tall, wide, and muscular with white scales and white dreadlock-like strands of scales streaming from his head. When Hero and his suposed father meet the draconian was standing there with a face filled with hope, exitement, and confution. Nameless had the same face as he staired at the man before him.

"father?" Hero asked after a few moments of staring.
"Son?" The draconian asked back.
"I don't know, who can I tell if you are my father?"
"There is only one way to know, combat."

Hero's face was stunded, he didn't know what to say to this chalenge. The only thing that came to mind was, "I accept."

[Atenathon]

Now outside of the city walls, Hero and the white draconian faced each other. Sword in hand.
"If you are my son then your blade will ring true." the draconian declred. His voice a loud roar. "NOW! Make your blade sing!"

The two charged at each other, blades rased and ready. The clang of the metal sounded as the fighters clashed. Each strike was met with a block, and as the pace quickend a melody began to ring. Then the speed slowed and the ring of the two swords sounded as bells chiming on a sunday. The ferocity that once filled the strikes were replaced by pation. Hero and the draconian continued for hours at this song of a warriors heart, a passion filled fight between a father and son.

Eventualy the pace quickened and the ferocity was thrown back in with the passion of each strike. This was the most intense battle of the two warriors lives, and forever would be. Hero sudenly got the upper hand and got his now accepted father into a back step. Then Nameless threw his fathers sword of to the side, removing the blade from the draconians hands. Both laghed and huged each other. During the fight, there was a conversation with something deep within each warrior that was so profound, none could comprehend but those that expearianced it. Nameless finaly had a father. After living with a hanging question in his mind, Hero could now finaly have all the answers that he wanted.

[Atenathon]

Latter, sitting on a hill out side the city covered in golden grass. Hero and his father, BrissenSing, stared out at the seanary, admiring the beuty of the land till nameless spoke up.
"Why did you leave me? Was there something wrong with me?"

"There was nothing wrong with you, if anything you were, and still are, more than I expected." Brissen said. "I love you, always have. But at that time I didn't have the job to support you like I wanted to. Also, it has been some what a tradition for the children of the house of white scales to go and live in a christian mosk to develope the noble trates that define us."

"And my mother? Where is she, what is she like?"

Brissen lookd off into the distiance, visualizing the image of his beloved wife. "She was a six winged angel. But she coul not use her wings like other angels, so she lived on the ground like the average human." Brissen's eyes softened as he looked into the sky. "Your mother and I met one day in town while I was doing some free lancing. She looked like every one else at first glance, but when you take a good look, you could see what she truly was." Then his face became sorrowfilled at the memories of what happend that cursed day. "A week after you were born, your mother gained the power to call on the wings of light. It was beutifull. And then her people came to get her. They did not aprove of draconians and angels mixing to gether, so they decided to teach her a leason. They came and took her to a prision in the clouds, on the hiest peek in corone'. I can not save her alone, Hero, I need you to assist me."

Hero looked down at the grass on the hill. "And what can I do! I am nothing but a nameless out-cast."

"You have a name! Atenathon HeroSing!"
BrissenSing looked at his son with a hardend face and a strong look and stood up. "We will save your mother, but as we are right now we would not get far. I have reach the limit of my training but you have not even begun!" Brissen stood tall and deturmined with the setting sun behind his head. " you my son must make a choice, whether to grow wings of light and shake the heavens or to put on hardend scales and quake the earth."

"Then lets get started, I have a lot to learn if I'm doing both."

"You will, but now you can only shake the earth. To shake the heavens you need wings, and to use your wings you must have the heart of light. The guid of every christian, the Spirit of God. Only then can you use your wings of light. Till then your dragon training will begin."

"Where shal we train?"

"Back in the town that you had a job in. That seems like a start for food and shelter."

The two warriors left. Heading for Underwood, the city that Atenathon had settled into for a time. Once there they got rooms at Hero's last choice of stay and got to work first thing the next morning.

[Atenathon]

For months Hero and his father, BrissenSing, worked at training to be a dragon. Atenathon worked till his bones aicked, and his musles were swore. Each night was a releaf that braught the calm peace of sleep, then the next day they did it again. Atenathon was diligent in his training and never even thaught of quitting (mostly because BrissenSing wouldn't let him).

Then came the day that Hero and Brissen left for a montian hike.

"Did you take care of the bill?" Brissen asked, putting on his back pack and walking to the room door. "The inn keeper said that the total for this month was 135 gold peices, and I don't have that much here."

"Yes, I paid for the bill this morning with breakfast." Hero put his pack on too and followed his father out of the room. "I have been working with some dwarves doing silver smithing and maid twice that amount already. Although buying the silver for the next few pices did cut into what I have left, I'll be able to make that and more with the next few jewelry pieces."

"You know your realy good at that stuf. And they work too!" Brissen pulled out a silver pendiant that Hero had made during one of the breaks in training for work to pay the tab at the inn. "I have had this thing on since you gave it to me and I've been feeling light hearted."

Atenathon smiled and pulled his hood over his head. Dispite the fact that he had been staying there for four months now, he still didn't want any body to see his face for feer of loosing respect.

The mountians were covered in a thick blanket of snow now and most traders and other travelers were avoiding going to the small villages in the snowy peaks. "So, you never told me where we were heading."

"Its not too far, a two day hike. We are heading to the dracoinian vilsage that is in the mountians. I lived there once and still have a house there. Its been sitting untouched since I left to look for you."

The hike was uneventful enough, athough there were some close incounters, they ran into no trouble. During the rests Brissen had Hero try out one of his hereditery ablitys, breathing fire. Hero at first didn't know what to say, he didn't even know how to breath fire. But once Brissen explained it and gave a demonstration Atenathon gave it a go. It took seven tries, but hero was able to do it. Near the end of the second day the entered the village in the mountians.

At first it was quiet, like the whole village was asleep. But when they entured the village square everyone was waiting and shouted suprise to the aproching pair.

Brissen was geeted imediately by an older looking pair of draconians. "Mother, Father, Its so good to see you. Atenathon, thies are my parents, your grandparents. Mother Father, this is my son."

Brissen's mother went over to him imediately and put her had to his cheek. "oh He's go your eyes and his mother's face, much better looking than a humans face, I'll tell you that."

"Boy, he has that same strong willed look about him. Just like his dad." Brissen's father said.

"Come on you two, you embarassing the boy. Come, you should meet the rest of the village."

The night was filled with laghter and stories of Brissen's child hood. Atenathon got to meet everyone, and get use to his name. That night Hero and his father slept peacefully. Resting for the next step in Hero's training.

[Atenathon]

The next day, Hero woke and found Brissen out on the balcony of the stone and wood cottage. Brissen's eyes where closed and he was faceing out, with his back to the door. "Do you know what your next leason will be on?"

"I'm affraid not," Atenathon answered. "But it should have something with a draconian's scale armor."

"Thats exactly what you will be learning, but the way to gain this knowledge is by no means easy." Brissen turned to his son with a grim look on his face. "You must endure sevier conditions in the mountian peaks. Through this endurance of physical and emotional battering as you reach the top of the peak, you will find the dragon's indominable spirit, and guidiance of the holy spirit."

Hero left that day, taking enough suplies for a month. His father traveled with him as far as the mountian's base, and then Hero was alone. Atenathon walked during the day and slept at night. He bult shelters to use and marked his trail for the way back. The inicial climb was calm, quiet, and peaceful. But as Hero got higher, the temperatures started to drop. Snow started to cover the ground and Hero could see his breath. The wind howled and wiped at Atenathon's face and voices started to wisper to him. At first the voices seemed to be nothing but the wind, but Hero still moved on. He walked on for hours and the voices were getting worse. Hero could not stop to eat at lunch time and continued through diner. On the verge of giving in to his exastion and hunger, Hero was on theverge of collapsing.

Why am I doing this, whats the point
Hero suddenly stoped and topled over, kneeling in the snow.
There is something more to this than just training.
Hero's eyes widend and he could hear his heart beat.
This is who you are Hero.
His skin started to feel hard and he could feel his head pounding.
A Dragon of the mountians.
When Hero came up he was compleatly transformed from what he was as a half bread to something more. The wind did nothing, the cold was no longer there, and the top practicaly came to him. Hero was now a Dragon that would shake the earth.

When BrissenSing saw his son coming down the mountian, he saw his child become a man. Brissen looked upon the scaled draconian that once looked like a half bread, but now held half of the inheratiance of a dragoni. "Now you are a half of what you truly are, the rest will come with the sprit for the Holy One."

Hero left the mountian, and as he did so he returned to the half bread form that he always wore before. The half bread is shamed no more.

[Witchblade]

Storyline

Continuity: - 5 You did a good job of outlining where Hero had been for most of his life, but very little of what he did there at the monastery. I understood a bit about his past from the very beginning and of course the some was revealed later there. There were some things that didn’t make a lot of sense though. In Hero’s race description (all the stuff under your avatar) it says he’s a Dragoni or Dragonian. Yet throughout the entire thread you called him a Draconian, which is a different race. There is in fact a race of Draconians that live in Dheathain, just for your own information. Another thing never explained why was he kept getting kicked out of the taverns and why people hated his race so much. If there’s hatred between races you need to explain it, otherwise it just seems pointless and thrown in there only to cause needless conflict.

Setting: - 1 I think you may have described the setting once or twice. You mentioned that the Draconian town was empty and that there was snow on the ground. That’s all great and lovely, but what does the town look like, what are the houses made of, are the streets and paths dirt or stone? Were they walking through a forest or a field? What did the rock of the mountain look and feel like? Setting is not just a canvas on which you paint, but a stage upon which your characters act. Don’t forget about senses when describing setting, taste, touch, smell, sight and sound all play an intricate part of the setting.

Pacing: - 3 The whole quest seemed to go by at the same pace. Even in moments of conflict and times when there should have been tension, there was none. Most of this is because of the wording you choose in your writing. You don’t use enough action verbs and you skip over important parts as if talking about them from an omniscient point of view instead of the view of the main character. You may be using third person, but you’re still looking out through his eyes. The battle with his father is a good example of this. It’s just quickly glanced over and described as if being talked about from a spectator, so there’s no real tension in it. Try using short sentences. Try describing exactly what’s happening during the battle, the different blows and moves.

Character

Dialogue: - 4 I never really got a true sense of who Hero was from his dialogue. It was mundane for the most part, but not horrendous. The only thing I really had a problem with was when Hero asked aloud in his room while someone was trying to break in ‘Now who could that be?’. It seemed like such a silly question. If there was someone breaking into your room would you really stop to ask yourself aloud now who could that be? I doubt it. Try to avoid pointless statement like that; obviously it’s no one good. Also try to avoid meaningless dialogue. Most people don’t speak unnecessarily, thus neither should your character. If it’s still something you want to include in the post, have it be inner thought.

Action: - 3 It’s very obviously you’ve never done any battling before in real life. If you had, you’d know that it’s exceedingly difficult to battle for a long period of time, especially hours. Battles are very stressful and tiring on the body and most only last an average of a few seconds to a few minutes before someone makes a mistake or the other person bests them. Also, at Hero’s current level, there’s no way he would be able to battle for that long, he just doesn’t have the endurance for it.

Though NPC’s (non-playable characters) are not as important as your own character, they still make the story. Thus it is always a good idea to put effort and thought into them and makes them as realistic as possible. How did a drunken man follow Hero without Hero noticing him? How did he know exactly what Inn and what room he was staying in? Would it really be that easy to shove a large drunken man—with barely a logical cell in his brain normally—out of the room and then close the door without him retaliating? Drunk men don’t usually back down very easily because their thoughts are impaired. How did the hired investigator find Hero so easily? Why did he wait so long to approach him and why appear to be drunk when entering the tavern? Why not just calmly enter it? How did Hero know precisely that Eldante was the man following him when he never even got a glimpse of him? Who knows how many other patrons could have come into that tavern within the span of the half hour it took the investigator to go inside.

Persona: - 2 I don’t feel like I got a true understanding of Hero, who he is and what he stands for. He just seemed like the backdrop to this story. There didn’t feel like any kind of emotional development, even when Hero found his father and even afterwards, he didn’t seem to change at all. I don’t understand any of his morals and I just don’t know him. Also, almost all of the NPC’s just seemed like random things thrown into the quest to fill in space. You need to give them life. Consider them random people you walk by on the street, you may not know them, but in a way they still influence you and they are unique in themselves.

Writing Style

Mechanics: - 2 There is a spelling mistake in the first sentence of your first paragraph, and many, many to follow that one. There are also lots of grammatical errors throughout the thread too. I would suggest either finding a spellchecker online, or getting your hands on a copy of Word. There’s very little you’re going to be able to improve in yourself unless you sit there with a dictionary and check every third word you write. That would take far too much time. Doing this would eliminate a lot of your errors and allow you to grow as a writer. As you see your errors and the correct spelling, you’ll begin to spell them correctly. Some of the common mistakes you made were: thaught = though, cairful = careful, awquard = awkward and taver = tavern. When writing Lightning’s name capitalize it like you would the name of your main character.

Technique: - 2 Like Mechanics, your Technique is going to improve if you get a spellchecker as well, helping you eliminate some of your awkward sentences.

Clarity: - 5 Despite the large quantity of mistakes, most of what you wrote was clear, but there were quite a few instances when I had to reread a word or a sentence a few times to understand what you were trying to say.

Wild Card: - 4 I don’t want you to be intimidated by the low score or the fact that I’ve given you a lot to work on to improve your writing. I did not start off as good as I am now, I improved myself slowly through the help of this site and the people I wrote with. Just take sections of what I’ve given you and work on them over a period of time. If you focus on all of it, you probably won’t get anywhere, but if you get a Word program (or spellchecker) and then focus on improving your character section, you’ll see your score rise.

Total: 31

Rewards:

Atenathon receives 310 experience!

Atenathon also receives 250 GP from the profit off selling his jewellery.

I want to point out the fact that you did not request any spoils. The hardened Draconian skin you learned will thus not be available for you to use during battles (like in The Citadel). When you reach level 1, feel free to still include it in your character update though. But next time you gain a skill/ability in a quest, you need to request it to the judge.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added