Team Registration: Hybrid Horizons, RPGFO's Dimension Traversers

[KazeTanade]

Team Name: Hybrid Horizons

Team Members:

Kaze the Tracer, Xerxid the Muse of Tragic Love

Links to characters
Kaze the Tracer (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17896) for your enjoyment.
Xerxid the Muse (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17944) for your pleasurable reading.


We wont be battling, as we do not wanna give away our characters just yet... but we hope this little extract of writting style will be good enough as proof of quality of writting. =)

[KazeTanade]

It's dark. When the young man stumbled himself into the room, it was all he could do not to trip over his own feet; it was so dark that he could not see his hands held out in front of his face, let alone the slight inclinations of the uneven stone floor. His breathing echoed only softly, a companion to the steady dripping of wet liquid from a vast overhead arch to the floor. He stumbled on for a few feet before decisively walking into a solid obstruction.

"Oof! What the hell... where am I?"

Putting out his hands like feelers, he grasped the object he had walked into; circular, with a rough texture along its surface, and sort of tapered feel as it got thinner to its pinnacle. Around it were similar constructs of different heights, and though not as perfectly straight, shared more or less its dastardly sharpness. It was safe to assume that he had walked into a cluster of... what was it, stalagmites? Stalactites? It was too easy to get the two confused. But if they were present where he stood then...

The man mumbled a little something, taking a step back and holding out his right hand in the gloom. It began to glow a ruby-red colour, casting the rock formation in front of him in a blood-red shade of light. And it was pure luck that he did not gut himself on the first collision. The cluster was tight-knit, a wicked looking outcropping of sharp rocks which would have pulled out more than just leather and cloth if he had accidentally stepped into it fully. It looked more like a death-trap than a natural rock-formation; and somehow, he suspected that it probably was.

Now shaded by the red light, the man's features came into focus enough for others to make out a slightly sharp chin, black-under-brighter black clothing, brown hair which was scattered around his head like he had been through a hurricane, and somehow lived to tell the tale. He swept the light around, looking at his immediate area. It seemed to be rather uneven but safe, save for the few outcroppings of fierce rock formations which looked to be positioned almost like a pinball machine of sorts. Only, the two large flippers at the bottom of the machine are missing.

"Okay, which ass of an idiot just teleported me from a wonderful bloodfest to this hunk of rock!? You better come out before I start tearing this place apart to find you!"

His challenge rang out loud in the enclosed space, the echoes spiralling up into the high arch that must be the ceiling... it was however, too far up for the dim light of a Tracer to reach. With a soft, irritated "tch" escaping his lips, he pulled his right arm back and hurled it, as if throwing a baseball. A blast of light which was more to a weak and dying flare shot upwards, illuminating most of the first half of the cave as it spread up and up and up... and stopped climbing up, breaking into several small globes of light which slowly floated back to the ground, illuminating all that was near them. The temporary light gave him enough vision to see around... his half of the cave. The ceiling remained out of sight, the walls of the cave curving upwards but seemingly just disappearing into a long shaft that at some point, should break the surface.

"Bloody... this place is bigger than that ballroom I got lost in last Christmas!"

Kaze looked around the cave, now illuminated by his falling "fairy fire" in a weak, white light. There was a small circular slope in the middle of the cave, half of it only dimly lit by his lights, but clearly showing a perfect semi-circle; a small pool of water was rippling in it, clear and clean as tap water... if not cleaner, to show the smooth, granite floor of the indent. Along its circumference was a slope which kept the water from spilling out into the rock around it. It looked almost like..

'...half a circus circle. Is this some sort of underground circus show?? Damn...'

The lights eventually faded, and put the room back into utter darkness. Though barely a moment later, the whole cave burst into illumination which came from nowhere, just suddenly lighting up the whole room without a single source to light it.

"Welcome, steady warrior. You stand in an arena crafted for those such as you who crave... bloodlust and battle. All will be explained shortly, we await only your comrade in battle before we begin..."

Word Count: 774 words, inclusive code.

[lPulse]

A soft, mellifluous, decidedly masculine D-minor echoed into the gloom and keen of a subterranean realm full of darkness engineered to promote pain and confusion by the hand of some unprepossessing entity. "What do you mean, others like you and crave bloodlust? I know Kaze. He`s nothing like anybody you`ve ever known and beyond that I can`t be bothered with bloodlust. What do you mean by inviting me into this wayward labrynth? Kaze almost ripped himself in half just entering! You get down here; we`ll give you some bloodlust you incomprehensible retrograde!" Xerxid manifested amidst a gentle flicker of aubergine light radiating from the ghostly outline of his body, the light began to shift his image from rainbow pixelate form to a distinct flesh and apparrel. During this process the aubergine light haze drifted away from his changing, clarifying form in an ultra-slow blossom`s-waking-breath and splashed into fine, bright light dust that wafted about and sprinkled down glittering and pulsating over beds of its own hue glazing each contacted surface bringing to mind spray from a wave made of light.. indeed he had just been borne through the planar ocean to the shores of finite time and location.

Beads and drops of the light, minute and pure, evoke a deep, inexplicable yearning within the viewer. This same yearning has taken Xerxid through era after era, life after life, and sometimes death, to quantify the individual spirit and purify his own. He travelled many places, exposed himself to many pleasures and pains, women, warfare, painting, calligraphy, poetry, woodworking, archery, long-distance running, many things in many parts of a collective life. He monitored his own reactions and responses to each thing, analyzed until his mind throbbed and body grew weak and dry from malnutrition and dehydration as he ignored food, water, everything but exerting his mind on its focus. He endured temporal sickness as a result.

In time he quantified a few things, things like; there is a reason people rest, there is a proper time for everything, there is a set law of good and evil that transcends beings` ideals and works supernaturally, that it was possible to be good and do evil and to be evil but do good and that neither alone made one good or evil; simply one`s heart is the deciding factor. He found that one could be fooled by lust into believing lust was love and that physical desire through pure love was heightened beyond anything imaginable in base lust to a plane so far above that lust that it made his past life of frequent, casual sex with barely-known beauties look like sex had between people who were deaf, dumb, blind, mute and couldn`t feel.

Eons of vice and virtue came to quantification within his mind and each took toll or cast blessing on his flesh over time. Having recently returned to life of a somewhat public nature he was more tactful if direct in meanings, more reserved with words when he should be but less reserved with meaning in all things. Even the way he secured his clothing had a meaning for him. Each fold, twist and tug became a ritual with which to commemorate some person, place or thing. The way he secured the ornate sleeve on his left arm was a commemoration of a woman whose beloved hands once made their impressions on his garments; such missed hands, such desired hands, such soft, loving and nimble hands, oh, such hands! The way he cared for his weapons honored greater warriors he had known: men and women so revered that Xerxid still mourns the lack of their presence. His walk was an integration of a military stride and his own perambulation, his steps were swift but not flighty. His methods of combat were the only thing you could say were partially unique about his warfare.. he never invented a physical weapon, never was the patron god of war in any land. He learned from other, better martial artists and from obscure people who lived out their days in peace and kindness on farms. One thing he learned was never to learn from an evil warrior no matter how skilled simply because that one`s evil heart tainted his wu shu. So his individuality could perhaps be told in how each blow, block, thrust, step and leap of his held an instant inspiration of its own as if from a spiritual fountain from which blossomed whole volumes on movement and motive combined at a given moment.

Watching this Xerxid as he entered wouldn`t give all of that away.. but maybe.. just maybe.. one could see a hint of those things here and there; in the bold but soft sonic poise of his voice, in the polite but vivid confidence which kept his head up yet restrained him from "looking down his nose" or in the hand-fashioned artwork he wore which somehow unfading beauty kept a way of being charming, engaging and delightful without being gaudy, attention-hungry or cheap.

Xerxid wove his way through razor-like stalagmite clusters on the ground with gratitude for the relatively aloof nature of the stalactites above. He reached Kaze and nodded a few times, his brows pinched comically as a little smirk wiggled across his serenely undisturbed features of dominant craftsmanship but unassuming poise. "It is good to see you again Grim Reaper." Only he, Kaze and one of their acquaintances would know about that inside joke of a nickname for Kaze. "I think shortly we will be joined by personages of a somewhat froward and hasty nature.. let us explore thereafter. I feel like we are in the heart of a diamond mine. Surely someone around here could use a new robe or a hot meal.. a little community service to-day? You can get back to beatings and brawls tomorrow provided travel permits."

973 words (978 with influence of code..)

[KazeTanade]

Alrighty, if the rules I remember are not wrong, we need a minimum of 2 posts with 1k-2k words as a qualification trial, an exchange between two characters. As far as I can tell, the two posts more or less encompass the way we write on average, and our standard quality of post (if not exact length). Here we have 1.6k, which is already inside the range. We're awaiting judgement by the, well, judges lol.

[lPulse]

Woohah. I liked your tracers and the whole scheme of your post. Very fun to read.

[Taskmienster]

Thread judged by Taskmienster, reviewed by Mathias, Max Dirks, and Remaeus. Panel A


Judgment Time! So, this is just a skeletal rubric we will be using later on in the tournament, just so that the opening registration threads will be done quickly and proficiently. That being said, this is also a way for you to understand what is expected of the full rubric and get a good feel. If you have any questions on how things work you are free to contact me at any time for assistance. I am also going to be putting in ‘general notes’ at the end of the judgment, with a post signifier [post number] so that you can go back and look over the part that I commented. This is for your convenience only, not something that all mods will do, and is not required, but something that I like to add in for further help. Just for reference, a 2.5 out of 5 is the pure median for a score, so don't worry, it's not like... 'epic fail'-ness. Haha.


Story (2.5/5)




~This section is most notably used for how well you did. In the full rubric it will be split into three different parts: Continuity, Setting, and Pacing. Continuity is the section regarding the background of who your character is and where they came from, without a good bit of reflection on your back story it’s difficult for the reader to understand most other categories that are also being looked over. Setting is the part of the judging that is pretty much self explanatory. A good setting not only shows the reader as well as the participants of the thread were you are and what’s around, but also involves the tactical and practical use of the setting your character is interacting with. Final section of Story is the Pacing. This is the most complex of parts to analyze, normally. However, in a battle the pacing of the story is the intent of the writer to keep the reader on the edge of their seats, build the suspense well, and let it dwindle correctly.~

~Continuity: IPulse, you gave me a lot of background through what I could tell. It helped me understand the character well enough and was a great help should the thread have continued beyond the first two posts. Of course word restrictions kinda killed that, but that’s not your fault and will not be held against you for the further course of the judgment. Kaze, I didn’t really get much other than that he was in some ‘wonderful bloodfest’ as he so eloquently put it to the cave. Where did he come from? How did he get there? Stuff like that helps out with further interaction. Though I’m one that tends to write out my continuity through the first several posts, and at times an entire thread, so I’m sure you could have EASILY done so with further posts… again not being held against you.

~Setting: Both of you did outstanding with the setting, the description written so well that I could get it without question. Kaze did a little better in this aspect, only because it was more focused on where he was instead of who he was, but there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

~Pacing: The way you both wrote made me wonder what was going to come next. However, IPulse’s way of writing detracted from the pacing and clarity without question. It was wordy and hard to follow, but that will be clarified more in Clarity towards the bottom. [no pun intended, haha]




Character (3/5)




~This section is looked in regards to another three parts: Dialogue, Action, and Persona. Each of these is rather simple to explain, compared to the story section. Action is a matter of following actions and a direction that makes sense for your character. If your character is a powerhouse then his actions sulking and hiding wouldn’t make much sense, same goes for if your character is a spy or assassin, up front confrontation wouldn’t make sense either. Dialogue is self explanatory, what you say, but it is not just that simple either. Dialogue pertains to whether your character is speaking in ways that make sense. A quiet character wouldn’t talk a lot, but maybe have inner thoughts instead, a cocksure character might stop in the middle of a fight to talk a lot, or a character whose persona isn’t either probably wouldn’t pull away from conflict to give a long speech. Persona is how well you keep ‘in character’, it is not just a part controlled by what you say your character does, but how he performs actions and why he does so. This section is contributed to by dialogue, action, pacing, continuity, and to a degree setting.~

~Dialogue: Done well, Kaze. It was realistic and flowed well with your character. You don’t necessarily need to color your spoken word for clarification, but that’s fine, will be elaborated on in Mechanics. It’s all stylistic in nature. IPulse, your dialogue was unbelievable and was hard to understand. You went from calling out whoever had spoke to your partner in what seemed to be pure anger, to the last bit of dialogue that was something about being nice and community service whatnot. I’m going to go with the hope that it was sarcastic, but wasn’t designated as so. More notes will be added to the general notes at the end.

~Action: Due to the way it was written there wasn’t much ‘action’ in the sense of fighting or doing anything. However, the way you portrayed your characters reactions to the situation was a good light on what I could expect later.

~Persona: Like actions, there wasn’t much interaction to be able to tell what your personalities were like… though the way you portrayed your characters reactions to the situation was enough to work off of for what I could expect as a reader and the judge in the future. You both seemed to take a different way of telling your story. Kaze you went with a means of working out your character through actions, which is what we strive to get people to do. Show me, don’t tell me. It’s exactly what you did; you showed me what Kaze is like more than told me what he was like. IPulse, you did the opposite, but of course it’s not a bad thing since the way you did it also contributed to Continuity. In further and future posts it would be good to not only continue with the way you wrote your persona, but too express it through Action as well.




Writing Style (2.25/5)




~The final section is the compilation of the final three parts: Technique, Mechanics, and Clarity. Technique is the section that we delve into your personal style of writing, in regards to ‘advanced’ styles of writing. The use of alliteration, foreshadowing, and metaphors or similes are going to heighten this score. Of course, stylistic uses of technique that go against proper grammar are also goo ways to use Technique, and will not be counted against you in the next section. Mechanics is the grammatically correct part of the judgment. How many mistakes you made with spelling, punctuation, and other mistakes is how this section is scored. Clarity is by far the most simple to judge. Were all the other sections clear? Was the way you told the story clear? Was your writing clear? That is what the entire section of clarity is about~

~Technique: As far as advanced techniques go, IPulse’s post was full of them, amazingly so. However, some of them felt as if they were written as a means to make the writing more and more verbose and full of higher dialect writing that was at multiple times far too much. Don’t want to go as far as to say the writing seemed as if you just used the synonym feature on Word, but at times it felt like less wordy substitutes could have been used. Further explanation can be found in the general notes. I’m going to put this in technique, since I assume it would fit here best out of all places. When you write out dialogue, Kaze, it’s not necessary to change the color of it. I stated this in dialogue, but wanted to reaffirm it and give reason. Due to the simple fact that not everyone views the site in the same background color, different colors can easily detract from the reader’s desire to read the dialogue.

~Mechanics: Multiple places were commas were necessary were missed. Long winded and verbose paragraphs such as what IPulse writes need to be carefully examined for where the use of a comma should be added so that it flows correctly. It detracts from the pacing to miss those types of little things. And I only saw a couple spelling mistakes.

~Clarity: I had to read, re-read, and then start over when viewing the verbose writing style that IPulse uses. I have multiple examples listed in the ‘general notes’ section below as an example of what I am referring to. The style is not bad, don’t get me wrong, I’m just going to suggest that you tone it down a BIG notch so that it’s MUCH simpler to read and follow than it currently is. Superfluous eloquence begets mass confusion.




Total: (7.75/15)

General Notes




~ ”…Xerxid still mourns the lack of their presence.” [3]~ “still mourns” is a present tense mistake, should be “mourned” instead.

~ “He reached Kaze and nodded a few times, his brows pinched comically as a little smirk wiggled across his serenely undisturbed features of dominant craftsmanship but unassuming poise.” [3]~ Just noting this because not sure how you can pinch your brows comically and smirk but still keep a ‘serenely undisturbed’ face. As well as a confusion with the word ‘craftsmanship’ and the way you used it.

~ "I think shortly we will be joined by personages of a somewhat froward and hasty nature.. let us explore thereafter. I feel like we are in the heart of a diamond mine. Surely someone around here could use a new robe or a hot meal.. a little community service to-day? You can get back to beatings and brawls tomorrow provided travel permits." [3]~ “forward” was spelt incorrectly. But why I kept this off to the side is for this reason: The entire dialogue is somewhat out of place and seems out of character and strange. I understand you were saying that other opponents would be joining with the ‘forward and hasty nature’ in the first sentence. Also, the word ‘personages’ could be replaced easily by people without losing the flow and style you are using. Then you put in ‘let us explore thereafter’, the use of ‘thereafter’ which stuck out to me. Seems that saying afterwards would fit much better than continuing with the verbose writing and using a rather outdated word. Furthermore, the dialogue seems like a mix of 3 different trains of thought that were thrown into one passage, which could have been avoided.

~ “During this process the aubergine light haze drifted away from his changing, clarifying form in an ultra-slow blossom`s-waking-breath and splashed into fine, bright light dust that wafted about and sprinkled down glittering and pulsating over beds of its own hue glazing each contacted surface bringing to mind spray from a wave made of light.. indeed he had just been borne through the planar ocean to the shores of finite time and location.” [3]~ I’ve probably asked two mods to read this, as well have re-read it myself, and it seems like the most muddled, confusing thing written in this entire thread. Keep in mind that the longer, more vocab-intensive the passage you write the more you need to keep in mind that the reader can easily get lost in it all. If you could split this up, use at least more common ‘high diction’ dialect than words like “aubergine” (which isn’t even a word according to Word), and watch your comma use it’d look better.

~ “Beads and drops of the light, minute and pure, evoke a deep, inexplicable yearning within the viewer.” [3]~ Evoke is present tense.

~ “He travelled many places, exposed himself to many pleasures and pains, women, warfare, painting, calligraphy, poetry, woodworking, archery, long-distance running, many things in many parts of a collective life.” [3]~ Everything after ‘warfare’ is out of place, especially long-distance running. I’ve been a cross country runner, it’s not something of note that I’d place in some reminder of the amazing things I’ve done before.

~ “He found that one could be fooled by lust into believing lust was love and that physical desire through pure love was heightened beyond anything imaginable in base lust to a plane so far above that lust that it made his past life of frequent, casual sex with barely-known beauties look like sex had between people who were deaf, dumb, blind, mute and couldn`t feel.” [3]~ You repeat lust, sex, and love multiple times in the same sentence. There are also commas missing, and words incorrectly used by what form they’re given. For example, “barely-known beauties [looked] like sex…”

~ “His methods of combat were the only thing you could say were partially unique about his warfare.. he never invented a physical weapon…” [3]~ “invented a physical weapon”? You never invented a weapon, like created one yourself? The word choice is out of place, because it is confusing.

~ “…or in the hand-fashioned artwork he wore which somehow unfading beauty kept a way of being charming, engaging and delightful without being gaudy, attention-hungry or cheap.” [3]~ ‘unfading beauty’ would not, in all honesty, have anything to do with the clothing being ‘charming’ or ‘gaudy’. Something being gaudy or charming would not have anything to do with how long it’s lasted over time, since it’d have to start out that way anyway.