Team Registration - The Furious Furries

[Syaoran]

Team Name: The Furious Furries (TFF)

Team Members: Syaoran Li and Wallace 'Grin' Marcan

Links to Team Members:

Syaoran Li (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17695)

Wallace 'Grin' Marcan (http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17706)

[Grin]

The clink and clank of metal on metal made odd, random music in the small preparation room provided for Wallace and his team-mate Syaoran. As the the warrior of the duo, Wallace (Often known simply as 'Grin'), double-checked the straps and buckles that held his armour together, he made minor adjustments here and there and tested his range of movement in between each modification. Once certain that his armour provided the ideal balance of manoeuvrability and coverage, he checked that Syaoran was ready, then signalled to the attendant standing beside the gate which lead into the arena.

The duo walked calmly up the shallow ramp, the cobblestone path being gradually overtaken by clean yellow sand as they approached the gate. The gate, made of iron bars that crossed at half-foot intervals, rose quickly into the slot above it at the pull of a nearby lever and allowed the pair access into the Arena.

Before them, the circular courtyard- easily thirty yards in diameter- had been cleaned and prepared for battle. Yellow sand covered the ground, lightly packed down to provide a solid floor while still loose enough to make things interesting. Six pillars, formed of discs of carved sandstone, stood in a suggested ring with a distance of ten feet between each opposing pillar. The pillars looked solid but chipped and worn and a suitable amount of applied force may even be able to topple one. They stood as the only objects within the arena, providing the only cover available. The walls of the arena stood easily twenty feet high and beyond them, an inclining ring of bleachers rose. Several people sat- most in pairs or small groups, a few alone- in the bleachers to watch the sparring match between the friends. The lack of promised death and bloodshed meant that widespread interest was missing.

Grin took a deep breath and noted the scent of sea air. Freshly dredged sand, it seemed. He exhaled the salty breath and placed his right hand on Syaoran's left shoulder.

"Good luck, friend. You'll need it," He teased playfully with his signature grin, then walked swiftly across the arena to the opposite side of the stone-pillar circle. He turned and faced Syaoran, wiggled his helmet with his right hand to make sure it was fitted exactly how he liked it, then drew his Damascus hand-and-a-half sword from its scabbard on his hip. The blade shimmered with a light of its own, giving away it's status as an enchanted weapon and was held back, the blade above and behind Grin's head and shoulders. He held the weapon in one hand and raised his Delyn shield with his left arm, getting into an angle-on stance that put most of his torso behind the shield.

"Ready when you are!" The warrior barked across the arena.

The movement of Syaoran from the preparation room up the ramp and into the arena has been approved by Syaoran himself.

[Syaoran]

This was it. This was the beginning of organised battle. It seemed nought but a week ago that this barbarian was a stranger, but this was no longer true, Grin was his partner in battle, his only ally here out in the open artificial 'wilderness'. However, today they were temporary enemies, foes for fun, a sparing match. Syaoran gave a slow nod to Grin at the should clasp, trying to be friendly back. If it were not for the metallic claws, Syaoran would clasp Wallace's shoulder. He didn't wish to cut the barbarian.

The fox slowly made his way back to his starting position, taking the opportunity to look over the crowd. Not many humans, maybe this spectical wasn't as popular as first thought. Maybe the humans aren't barbaric...but then Grin had explained that because this was a non-death match, there would be few in the audience. Such confliction. No matter, this was simulated battle, thus requiring serious thought. The beast slid his feet in the sand and clacked them together, standing straight with his fists clenched and the grooves of the fingers pushed together, closing his eyes as he carefully contemplated what he was about to do, and what could possibly happen.

"Respect must be given to the very talents that protect you..." The monk's words echoed throughout the beast's mind, clearing his very mind of all emotion not only to keep a clear head during the spar, but for the very safety of Grin. It was too early for the human to die. Syaoran opened his eyes and began swirling movements with his hands, gathering in air into a ball in front of himself. After a second he had a condensed whirling mass of air energy. He held it in place with both his metalic paws. He gritted his teeth and shoved it forward, yelling at the top of his lungs.

"TO BATTLE!" The air ball hissed as it spun into the sand about a metre in front of Grin, shooting up a massive wave of dust and debris. As the air was moving, Syaoran sharply shot his hands towards the pillar to the right, manipulatively grabbing the top brick. His metallic paws clenched as if grabbing it. The brick shook and shimmered under the beast's control. The fox then flung the stone into the dust storm where he remembered the barbarian to be standing, this all having took but a few seconds.

The elementalist then, not expecting to have hurt Grin too badly, took a strong stance, claws up, sharp finger tips pointing forward, ready to manipulate again.

[Grin]

Grin kept his eyes on the fox-man opposite him, knowing the strengths of his ally-cum-opponent. The Fox held his hands up and Grin saw the shimmering of the light passing through the air before them. The orb of air flew at him and he had no time to do anything shove himself back and drop into a braced crouch, his shield raised to protect his head and torso.

Sand and dust blasted up, striking Grin's shield with a sound not unlike a crashing wave. The heavily armoured barbarian knew that such an attack was intended to blind, disorient and ultimately pin him down or at the very least, slow him down. He roared as he lunged up and to his right and went straight into a run, holding his shield high to protect his head. A moment after he left the spot where he was crouched, there was a loud, dull thump behind him. Grin didn't look back to see what he had only just missed- or perhaps more accurately, had only just missed him- but kept running, curving his path around the outside of the pillars and using them as cover as he rushed towards Syaoran. As was his style, Grin was bringing the fight to his opponent without opening himself up to too much damage before he got within sword-range of them. He dropped his shield a few inches and looked for the elementalist, hoping he had indeed gained on him.

[Syaoran]

The beast saw the armoured warrior break through the mist-like sand unharmed. As Grin circled around the pillars, the fox took this opportunity to bombard him. His paws sharply and quickly shot up and down, throwing the rocks from the pillars rapidly with little aim, trying to either stop or slow down the momentum of the charging swordsman. The rocks flew through the air, breaking apart upon contact with any solid object. The last pillar however could not take the manipulation. Syaoran accidental grabbed a low rock and suddenly the tower began to fall down in the path of Grin. Four rocks were able to be thrown before the tower started to topple.

The beast was wavering, this constant manipulation was a little taxing. He needed something easy as a back up, the sandstone was easy to throw, but it was proving to be fruitless. There was no fire and air was too hard. The only element left was water. Syaoran's left paw shot back to the water skin hanging off a cord on the left shoulder. The thumb popped it open, the elementalist smelling the dampness of the contents. Glorious. Ignoring his own thirst he swirled his right paw lavishly and flowingly, moving his body in the same motion. Like a snake, the water slithered out of the skin, curling and waving about with the hand motion. For the moment, the water would serve as a whip, but if needed, ice needles would be produced.

The caster would not take any chances against Grin now, it was clear that even as a spar, the barbarian embodied great danger to the strange body of the beast.

[Grin]

Grin felt the ground vibrate every time one of the sandstone slabs struck another pillar or the ground as they hurtled towards him. He didn't slow down, even when one of the slabs managed to hit him. The disc of stone struck the rear half of his shield and threw him several feet to his right without taking away too much of his forwards momentum and knocked him off his feet, but the warrior merely rolled with it, picked himself up and kept running. The fraction more time that the successful attack had provided for Syaoran was apparently enough to allow the Fox-man caster to tumble the last pillar between them, sending several of the segments towards the rushing warrior.

Grin ducked one and deflected it off his shield and was too fast for the others, but was in a poor position to leap the fallen pillar and in none whatsoever to change direction and run around it. He leapt at the last moment and tried to dive over it, struck his legs against it and performed a half front-flip as he sailed through the air, then landed flat on his back.

He laid on the ground, the wind knocked out of him, for just a second before he began pushing himself up, still winded but raring to go toe-to-toe with the fox-man

[Syaoran]

A perfect opportunity. Quickly Syaoran spun the water into a circular blade, continuously spinning mid air. He achieved this by spinning his metallic paws around and around, forcing the water into a quick spin, thinning out into the sharpened form. This took a second and a half to achieve. The Scholar sustained it by rotating his left paw, keeping it spinning. So tired, the energy almost depleted. This would be the last chance to use his magic to win, beyond this was his martial arts. Syaoran focused his right paw facing towards the ground outstretched. He focussed his very essence into it and pushed down, trying to force the armour of Grin to the ground, causing sand to shoot outwards. The beast then sharply pulled his paw in, clenching his fist.

The manipulation was to force the man towards himself, then on arrival in front of the beast, Grin still on his back, the fox would thrust the spinning blade at the neck, stopping just before. After that, the fox would be running on fumes of magical energy, his body fresh and mind clear. However, it worried Syaoran that at close quarters, the barbarian was more adept. One hit from the powerful blow could end the battle, and so the Scholar would need to rely on his martial arts to dodge until the energy regenerated.

[Grin]

Grin was given just a second to catch his breath while Syaoran cast his water blade, then he was shoved back down onto the ground by an invisible force. He felt his armour yank him towards the fox-man and drag him along the ground, scooping sand up into his armour. The pull was on his torso and legs, which left his arms under his own control. He pulled his shield up and over his torso to protect it and his sword to his side. It appeared the fox had his concentration too greatly focused on maintaining the water blade, for Grin found his legs slide between the elementalist's before he stopped sliding.

"Nice moves, fox. Shame you forgot something," Grin said with his namesake upon his face. He twisted his sword blade and swung it up, striking the fox in the groin with the flat of the blade, making a comical 'twang' as it did so. The fox-man's eyes went wide and he doubled over, then collapsed sideways. Grin quickly pulled his sword back down to the ground to avoid cutting Syaoran with it.

As the pair lay on their backs on the sand, the battle over and the fox-man clutching his aching crotch, Grin finished what he was saying:
"Remember to do as the dragons do: always protect your treasures."

[Taskmienster]

Panel A reviewed this thread for you, original judging by Taskmienster, reviewed by Mathias, Max Dirks, and Remaeus!


Judgment Time! So, this is just a skeletal rubric we will be using later on in the tournament, just so that the opening registration threads will be done quickly and proficiently. That being said, this is also a way for you to understand what is expected of the full rubric and get a good feel. If you have any questions on how things work you are free to contact me at any time for assistance. I am also going to be putting in ‘general notes’ at the end of the judgment, with a post signifier [post number] so that you can go back and look over the part that I commented. This is for your convenience only, not something that all mods will do, and is not required, but something that I like to add in for further help. Just for reference, a 2.5 out of 5 is the pure median for a score, so don't worry, it's not like... 'epic fail'-ness. Haha.


Story (2.25/5)




~This section is most notably used for how well you did. In the full rubric it will be split into three different parts: Continuity, Setting, and Pacing. Continuity is the section regarding the background of who your character is and where they came from, without a good bit of reflection on your back story it’s difficult for the reader to understand most other categories that are also being looked over. Setting is the part of the judging that is pretty much self explanatory. A good setting not only shows the reader as well as the participants of the thread were you are and what’s around, but also involves the tactical and practical use of the setting your character is interacting with. Final section of Story is the Pacing. This is the most complex of parts to analyze, normally. However, in a battle the pacing of the story is the intent of the writer to keep the reader on the edge of their seats, build the suspense well, and let it dwindle correctly.~

~Continuity: Neither of you really gave me where you came from, how you got the tournament, any of that. I know it’s just a ‘sample’ writing, but still… it’d help me better understand things. Remember, a reader isn’t going to necessarily go to your profile and read your history, so just give a little bit of background so that we can get it easily enough. Nothing against either of you though, just remember that for the first round.

~Setting: Both of you used the setting really well. You described it well, though with a bit of a ‘run-on’ sentence feel that had too many commas at the beginning. It was, however, easy to picture. Remember to at least refer to it a little, like how were the guests that were watching? What did it look like away from the columns? Things like that help. However, I must commend Syaoran for your use of the entire scene that was given to you. You threw blocks of sand stone, wielded the sand against your opponent, and the like. That is exactly what we’re looking for in setting use. Grin, I like that you used the pillars as well for cover, which was good use as well.

~”…but kept running, curving his path around the outside of the pillars and using them as cover as he rushed towards Syaoran.” [4] I quote this passage from Grin’s post in post number four for a reason. This is the kind of use of setting that we look forward to reading.

~Pacing: The beginning was alright, the way you both opened and got right down to business. I understand that the word count made it somewhat hard to continue a quick pace, but you did well enough. The end, however, was abrupt and sudden. I wasn’t expecting it. Remember to keep the reader interested and pulled in by your writing and the battle.




Character (2.25/5)




~This section is looked in regards to another three parts: Dialogue, Action, and Persona. Each of these is rather simple to explain, compared to the story section. Action is a matter of following actions and a direction that makes sense for your character. If your character is a powerhouse then his actions sulking and hiding wouldn’t make much sense, same goes for if your character is a spy or assassin, up front confrontation wouldn’t make sense either. Dialogue is self explanatory, what you say, but it is not just that simple either. Dialogue pertains to whether your character is speaking in ways that make sense. A quiet character wouldn’t talk a lot, but maybe have inner thoughts instead, a cocksure character might stop in the middle of a fight to talk a lot, or a character whose persona isn’t either probably wouldn’t pull away from conflict to give a long speech. Persona is how well you keep ‘in character’, it is not just a part controlled by what you say your character does, but how he performs actions and why he does so. This section is contributed to by dialogue, action, pacing, continuity, and to a degree setting.~

~Action for Syaoran in post 7: It was a little confusing, muddled and overly complex. You separated the action in the post and what you were creating for the attack with a little bit of being weak and talking about the magic, and then going back to the formation of the attack. There were a few things wrong, here’s what can help: What would make it a better bit of writing is if you kept the action and the build up together, so that the pace of the creation of the attack isn’t broken up, and made it so that it was less choppy and staccato. Pacing can be heightened in a time that is the heat of battle with short sentences, but ones that are full sentences.

~Dialogue in post 8: I’m not trying to come off as picky or crackin’ on your character, but the dialogue seemed somewhat unrealistic for the character. Perhaps that is the way your character is, but from what I could tell without a good insight into your continuity and personality an attempt at a humorous bit of dialogue wouldn’t be like something he would say. Furthermore, both of you could use a bit more dialogue, even inner thoughts count as dialogue, and there weren’t any of those.

~Persona: Neither of you gave me a too in-depth look into your characters, who they were, why they fought the way they did… or even anything about them. I contribute this mostly to the word count restrictions, but at the same time even a small blip about it would help. Continuity contributes to your personality as well, explaining a little background goes a long way towards working with why they do things that create their personality.




Writing Style (2.75/5)




~The final section is the compilation of the final three parts: Technique, Mechanics, and Clarity. Technique is the section that we delve into your personal style of writing, in regards to ‘advanced’ styles of writing. The use of alliteration, foreshadowing, and metaphors or similes are going to heighten this score. Of course, stylistic uses of technique that go against proper grammar are also goo ways to use Technique, and will not be counted against you in the next section. Mechanics is the grammatically correct part of the judgment. How many mistakes you made with spelling, punctuation, and other mistakes is how this section is scored. Clarity is by far the most simple to judge. Were all the other sections clear? Was the way you told the story clear? Was your writing clear? That is what the entire section of clarity is about~

~Not much in the way of technique, advanced literary devices at the right time help out with the pacing as well as pulling the reader to the edge of their seats and enjoying the writing. I saw a few, but they were not necessarily grandiose, but also don’t have to be. Keep it up, comments like the way the water looked coming out of the skin is a good example of the metaphors we look forward to seeing more of.

~Mechanics: I saw multiple spelling errors, punctuation misuse, as well as the repetition of words (see the comment about action in the 7th post for a passage that explains the repetition). Be careful and read over your work so that you don’t miss too much.

~Clarity: It was rather clear, just a small blip in that 7th post… seems to be coming back to haunt you, haha.




Total: (7.25/15)

General Notes




~ “The pillars looked solid but chipped and worn and a suitable amount of applied force may even be able to topple one.” [2] ~ “applied force may even be able” is what caught me on this. I believe that it was written in the wrong text, just enough to catch my eye. It would look better with: “…a suitable amount of applied force would have been able to topple one.”

~ “Syaoran gave a slow nod to Grin at the should clasp, trying to be friendly back.” [3]~ “should” is supposed to be “shoulder” I assume, but it also doesn’t make sense in the context of the sentence. You gave a nod to Grin ‘at the shoulder clasp’? Just a quick re-read and you’d be able to fix the little things like this.

~ “The monk's words echoed throughout the beast's mind…” [3]~ Wasn’t sure who ‘the monk’ was. You had it happen a couple times, where you used a pronoun to describe your character but without a background it’s hard to know WHY you call yourself certain things, or if you are even referring to yourself. Also, comments such as calling yourself a ‘beast’, which I assume you were talking about you, are hard to understand without a description of yourself towards the beginning of the thread.

~ “Syaoran opened his eyes and began swirling movements with his hands, gathering in air into a ball in front of himself.” [3]~ The sentence was phrased… oddly. Just noting that it would work better if you said “opened his eyes and began [to make] swirling movements”. Also, after the comma you have in repeated in some way three times. “IN air INto a ball IN front of himself”. I think it would work better if you said something along the lines of “gathering air into a ball in front of ‘his hands’.”

~ “His metallic paws clenched as if grabbing it. The brick shook and shimmered under the beast's control.” [3]~ “the beast’s control” is what caught me on this one, what control? How can he control the brick? Explanations, such as that he has control over the elements including rocks and earth, help out a lot with letting the reader understand how he can control the brick.

~ “ally-cum-opponent.” [4]~ Even using the word come, spelt correctly, it stands out as odd. Probably work better if the word choice was ‘ally-[turned]-opponent” or something along those lines.

~ “The orb of air flew at him and he had no time to do anything shove himself back…” [4]~ Missed the word ‘but’ or ‘except’ after ‘do’. Should read “time to do anything [except/but] shove himself back…”

~ “He leapt at the last moment and tried to dive over it, struck his legs against it and performed a half front-flip as he sailed through the air, then landed flat on his back.” [6]~ Just a quick comment on the action that you took. Leaping ‘over’ a falling object would be very difficult… maybe under the column, but feasibly jumping over it would be very hard.