Taskmienster
01-15-09, 04:01 PM
The Temple Duel
Hey there, and congrats on finishing this fight! Always good to get a thread done and out of the way for the first time. I’m going to be your judge today! Hopefully my comments are helpful and if you have any questions feel free to PM me and I’ll be glad to answer them and help further however I can. Onto the judging! For the sake of ease, I will be color coding the different people RED will be the scores for Atenathon, BLUE will be the scores for BrScHo (which will be written as Brscho for this). For the general notes section I will often write random notes for you to check about the judgment, some of which I will elude to during the comments in the rubric, others I probably won’t mention in the actual rubric. However, to better understand, I write the comment between ~ tildes ~ with a number between . The tildes are the beginning and end of the quote I took, and the number corresponds with the post that the quote came from. All of which will be followed by a comment about the sentence or passage I quoted.
STORY (6/30)(8.5/30)
~ Continuity ~ {1} {3}
~Atenathon: Why do you need to battle? Who insulted all the stuff you said, and when? Where did you come from, what is your background, and where are you? Things like this help the reader understand a lot of further questions and categories in the rubric, and in turn make the thread much more enjoyable for the reader. Continuity is about “Why is the story taking place?” To answer that question is to help out the reader understand why you are where you are, and helps explain the past events up to the point of the battle.
~Brscho: You gave me a little more of a background, especially regarding the death of your father and how you came to inherit the book that you use to cast spells. The only thing I have to really note is that the inclusion of why you were in the citadel to fight would have helped a lot. Why did you come? What were your intentions? I got that you didn’t mind killing, and enjoyed it, but to what extent does that correlate with your background? Have you been forced to fight in the past, is that why you enjoy it? Or is it the loss of sanity, that you said was slowly taking over, that brought you to feel that way?
~ Setting ~ {2}{2}
~Both of you told me where you were, but little else besides that. Your setting is a question of where you are, and when are you there? Where are you can go so far as to explain just that you are in the Citadel and a description of the setting enough to understand more than a name given to the place you’re fighting in? I know that you were in a temple, but to who? What did the walls look like, what did the entire place look like? Was there anything in the setting to use to help out in the fight? Columns can provide protection, pulpits can provide leverage, and rows of benches (even pushed against the wall) can provide all sorts of avenues to fight around and with. Setting takes into account not only the way the place looks, but how you use it and how it comes alive with your writing. The more realistically you describe the setting the better it is for the reader to visualize themselves in the place, and in turn draw the reader into the world instead of just viewing it from the outside.
~ Pacing ~ {3}{3.5}
~Pacing can be a difficult thing to pull off well, in the sense that it is a culmination of many things. When you work on pacing you are working on how well the story ‘flowed’, how the actions worked in conjunction with one another, and how easily it was to follow from post to post. The reason you write is to pull the reader in and make them not want to put the story off to the side to go onto something else, and pacing is the way to ‘keep the reader on their toes’, so to speak. In a battle the pace is normally quick, back and forth, and leads to a climax and resolution. The question you ask yourself while writing is: “Did I write well enough to lead the reader to a conclusion and through a tale that kept them interested and flowed well?” If the answer to that is yes, then you did well.
In this thread, you both went back and forth but at times things were confusing and hard to follow, which disrupted the flow of the story. Spelling and grammatical errors make the reader stop and re-read things so they understand what is going on. Lack of setting tends to make the reader second guess actions that the characters take, and in turn makes them stop to try and remember what was happening before. If you break the flow, you break the pace. I’d suggest taking a little more time for your posts to try and make them interesting and draw the reader in.
CHARACTER (7.5/30) (11/30)
~ Dialogue ~ {2.5} {4}
~Brscho~ When you write dialogue, it’s normally good for the person to write it out without italics, just normal text, since italics normally means thoughts. It’s easier to discern that way. Other than that your dialogue was believably on par with the way you played your character, snide and cocky. Keep up the good work and try and work it in well. The only qualms that I had was that it seemed out of place at time, like you took the time to write dialogue in the middle of action and reactions. Sometimes that can work, such as if you’ve pulled yourself away from your opponent long enough that (if it fits with the way you play the character) you get a chance to say some snide remark that is fine. But speaking while so close to your opponent, or while in the middle of a battle, is out of place.
~Atenathon: You only wrote a little dialogue, but what you wrote was alright. There were a few times when it seemed that you changed what the characters personality was through the dialogue, and one instance when it was almost DBZ-esque which normally sticks out. Try and keep away from that and remain consistent with your speech and you should be fine. To make dialogue work well you have to keep a few things in mind, does it express your character? Does it fit and is the timing right?
~ Action~ {3} {3}
~This section is for the action and reactions of your character, but it’s not just how you swing back or how you parry you opponent’s blade. Nothing is that simple, haha. It’s about whether your actions were realistic according to you character and how you portray them. Both of you went back and forth, fighting with swords and magic, and it was all in all done alright. Just a few notes about it that I have: Atenathon; you seem to do things based on whatever the ‘dragon’ inside of you is and however it influences you. It seems to give you a bloodlust, but it’s an unexplained bloodlust. If you had given more background for the reader, so that we knew what the dragon was and how it acted on you the actions that you took probably would have been better explained. Remember, without a story it’s just one man swinging at another. My suggestion is to keep the actions and reactions of your character on par with how you play him. So if you swing a certain way, why did you do that? Was it instinctual? Was it trained and learned? Other than that my only comment is pertaining to what you wrote in the 11th post… you wrote something about him summoning the blade and yelling its name. That was the DBZ-esque passage I was referring to above. It doesn’t seem to fit the way you played your character, or maybe I was wrong. Not sure, but I’ll address it in the next category.
~Brscho: You seem to do a lot of things at once sometimes. As far as the flow goes, and I commented on it in the general notes section, sometimes you put too much action into a post. It’s a way of expecting to be able to do so much without your opponent reacting, a form of bunnying on its own. Try and keep what you can do and how quickly you can do it as realistic as possible. As for your actions, they seemed to be on par with what one would expect regarding a mage and their magic. The book is a nice touch, as I noted when I approved you, but try and make it have a little more meaning. Don’t just pull the book, give reason why you pull it… you can draw on your background and your training as a mage, and how you are unsure with the daggers or steel plated glove you have. Things like that tend to help out with multiple categories.
~ Persona ~ {2}{4}
~This is a bit of how you played the character, what you showed and where you drew it from come into play, as well as their emotional reactions to certain things. I only got one emotion from Brscho, and that was snide and cocky. You carried it through with the dialogue, but I’d suggest carrying through to your style of fighting. If you’re cocky you are probably apt to not think too far into something, thinking that you can deal with anything that comes up. Try and push that through into your actions and reactions. Even if you want to carry that cocky attitude from your tone, you can put it into your reactions easily. Say your opponent attacks, and is particularly strong, you can show the emotions of confusion and unease at being able to handle it… add in a small thing about why he feels that way and you just helped out both action and persona! Lol. It’s not entirely complicated, just takes time and practice.
Atenathon: I didn’t really get emotions that seemed to fit together without explanation. I would suggest maybe going through and giving a reason WHY he feels the way he does. In the opening you gave him more time for a cigarette, why? Was it because you were being polite and that’s how you were raised? Or maybe because you were confused by what else to do? A small, after the fact, explanation would greatly help with making the reader understand the character. Also, a deeper show of where you came from and why you are there helps out with why he does what he does for the readers understanding. Another thing you can capitalize on, as you go, is the relationship between the dragon and Hero. Try and picture it in your mind, how would you feel in your characters shoes if there was some beast inside? Would you be sad, angry, depressed, or maybe even happy that it is being released? Any feeling regarding the circumstances with the dragon, or how you felt about your opponent, they all add up in a good way to help the reader understand the character as you develop it through your writing.
WRITING STYLE (7/30)(10.5/30)
~ Technique ~ {2}{2}
~Neither of you truly used any advanced techniques in your writing. Technique isn’t meant as a way to ‘show off’ your writing ability, but a means of ‘spicing up’ the story to make it more engaging and draw the reader into it. This section is meant as a way of allowing the writers freedom to express themselves and their characters in ways that suit them. You can use metaphors, similes, alliteration, foreshadowing, and any advanced technique that you would like to explore and try and use more of. Nobody’s stopping you; in fact we’re encouraging it so that you can write something that is engaging, exciting, and great! This does not just govern the techniques in the writing though, but the writing style itself. If you can pull of first person or third person, or any number of forms to write in, well it will be taken into account for technique. A person who writes first person would be looked at for how well they wrote that view, same for third person which both of you use. Third person is commonly accepted as the norm for writing, but the limit is only you. Find something that you like and work towards perfecting it, adding in that lively writing that we look for, and you’ll do fine. I would suggest sticking with third person for now, getting a good feel for it and figuring it out, and then working from there to explore the other areas of narrative writing that may interest you. If you’d like help and further explanation on this feel free to contact me.
~ Mechanics ~ {2}{5}
Atenathon: You have numerous errors regarding writing mechanics in each post. I outlined almost all of them, if I missed any it was unintentional. I would suggest slowing down a little when you write and reading over the post. Catch the errors that you can see outright and fix those. The best way to catch grammatical and spelling errors is with Word, or some other spellchecking program. It will make the thread run much smoother and will look much better in the long run.
Brscho: I noted the errors that I caught in the general notes as well, after your partner’s section. I would suggest slowing down towards the end. It felt like you were rushing it, and it showed a little bit through the writing quality. It wasn’t until the 16th post that I really noted multiple issues with mechanics, until then you were doing pretty well. Just keep up the steady writing and carefully go over it after you write it. It will help to just proofread, but running the post through a program like Word will also catch most errors easily.
~ Clarity ~ {3}{3.5}
~In general the thread was a little hard to follow, read, and in turn became somewhat muddled to the point that it was hard to understand. If you work on the corrections that I noted, and try and work on the sections I commented as you go I’m sure you will both do fine in the future. I see a lot of promise, just keep it up and keep at it! I expect to see you both doing very well in the future!
WILD CARD!!! {0}{4}
~Due to the powergaming and skill that was neither listed nor approved in the profile, I have to dock Atenathon. Try not to powergame, stick to the skills you have listed and different ways to do them, and you will be fine.
~Brscho: I would suggest getting that book attached to a chain attached to your belt or around your waist, which should help a lot with having to take it in and out.
[b] TOTAL
(20.5/100)(34/100)
GAINS/REWARDS!
Atenathon gains 120 exp; 55 gold (be sure to visit the bazaar for new nifty things!)
BrScHo gain 440 exp; 85 gold (be sure to visit the bazaar for new nifty things!)
General Notes
Atenathon
~ "lightning, when this fight starts I want you to go to the vault of the sanctuary.” [1]~ You should have capitalized “Lightning”
~ “Hero's opponient was here.” [1]~ Opponent spelt wrong, it is also a fragment sentence.
~ "I promis that this fight will be made short." [1]~ Promise spelt wrong, also a fragment.
~ "Fin, but make it swift. You have 5 minutes." [3]~ Fine spelt wrong. The other note I had was that when you are writing you should remember to write out words like “five” instead of putting just the numerical value in. It’s a commonly accepted rule for writing.
~ “It would have been better to become that ultamate fighting machine that was from his draconian half during the match. A well this will just make it all that much easyer.” [3]~ You spelt ultimate and easier wrong. You also have “A well this will just make it all that much [easier].” Something should replace “A well”; “this” is present tense, try and keep in the past tense when you write.
~ “his hand griped the iorn sword” [3]~ Iron spelt wrong.
~ “The dragon that resided in Hero was a bezerk creature that did not care about its own well being when in the heat of battle, it just faught.” [5]~ You contradict yourself in the sentence that follows this one. You also spelt berserk and fought wrong.
~ “the dragon thaught and lunged forward with the might and fury that could have felled a thousand trained soldures. The iorn short sword wistling through the air singing its song of death.” [5]~ You spelt thought, soldiers, iron, and whistling in correctly. The last sentence is also a fragment.
~ “Hero did not let up on this incredible assult on his apponient.” [5]~ Instead of “this” you should have written ‘the’ so it flows better and is easier to understand. The sentence is a fragment. Assault and opponent are spelt wrong.
~ “Unfortunately for Bearin Hero heard what he said, but not the dragon.” [7]~ You need a comma after “Bearin” so that it’s not Bearin Hero, as if that’s the name of someone.
~ “now the only thing that would stop the fight was surender (if either side was mercieful) or death.” [7]~ You spelt surrender and merciful incorrectly.
~ “Hero took the punch to the gut and grunted, Hero broke his trance imediately and moved away to avoid the swinging sword that followed.” [9]~ instead of a comma after ‘grunted’ you can use a period and split the run-on into two sentences. You also spelt immediately wrong.
~ "That was a nice trick with the magic shoulder, but it would have been easyer to just block with your sword." Hero rubed his stomac where the punch landed, this magicion was the first to punch him like Denock did. Hero missed fighting with his master, and suddenly his thaught floated to a lectur Denock gave Hero some years ago. Hero prepared to go into the trance again but this time it would be different. Remember, don't go into unison with the dragon spirite yet, save it. Hero again rubed his stomac to help ease his breathing.” [9] Words spelt wrong: easier, rubbed, stomach, magician, thought, lecture, spirit, rubbed/stomach [again]. The last sentence is also grammatically not a sentence.
~ “First came a down ward slash that was jental, then an up-ward faint that turned to a faked thrust.” [9]~ Words incorrect: downward, gentle, upward.
~ “This was one of the many attack routiens that Denock had taught him during his days at the mosk.” [9]~ First, it’s a run-on, grammatically incorrect sentence. Words spelt wrong: routine, mosque.
~ “Darn, this guy is better than I thaught, I might have to use THAT. Hero thaught. while his opponient was fliping through his book, Hero compleated the unity trance. The rage, powerful strangth, and focus that consumed him earlyer was returned to unite with his stratigic and cautios mind. The warrior and scolar were now united.” [11]~ Words spelt wrong: thought, thought, opponent, flipping, completed, strength, earlier, strategic, cautious, and scholar.
~ In the 11th post you dodge an attack from your opponent that should have hit you, since to that point nothing had come in contact… it’s not a matter of if you can dodge then do so, it’s a matter of you’ve dodged everything, and this attack was something unexpected and quick. Hero probably wouldn’t have been able to dodge it.
~ “Hero looked at his tail and shot a glance could kill at Bearin. That was the last straw, no more nice guy. Hero threw away his sword and looked over at his doomed opponient. Hero dew out a two handed sword handle with no blade.” [11]~ You spelt opponent wrong again. You also missed a word, such as “shot a glance [that] could kill”. Other than that, I see nowhere in your profile that you have a two handed sword without a blade that you can channel your light manipulation though. The following attack also was not in your profile, try and keep away from doing things like that, they’re considered powergaming.
~ “This was it, the ultamate blade that could slice through anything. Now was the time to test his skills and his strangth. This would tax Hero greatly, aspecialy after the fight, but it was necisary for his victory.” [13]~ You spelt ultimate, strength, especially, and necessary wrong. But this is also a skill that you aren’t approved with, as well as massive powergaming.
~ “In actuality though, there was no way that this 3 foot blade that Hero had worked up to would miss, even if he didn't hit on the swing, the wave of energy would be enough to push him around roughly toward a corner if he needed.” [13]~ When you write something it’s best to write out numbers instead of putting the numerical equivalent. So instead of ‘3’ it should have been ‘three’. It is also a somewhat long sentence that could easily be split up to be more clear.
~ “Hero made his move tward Bearin, blade ready, Hero feerlessly charge ready to deflect any more suprises that might come his way. just enough to push him farther into the corner. The first attempt was a little of on the aim so it missed. Second was closer, but to the other side of Bearin. The third was dead on and hopefully would hit him, and trap him. As the third energy slash was on its way Nameless prepared an energy sphear the size of his palm that would shock, and hopefully stun his opponient. But it probably wouldn't stun.” [13]~ Words spelt wrong: towards, fearlessly, surprises, sphere, opponent. You also need to put thoughts in quotations. There is also a little too much action for one paragraph, 3 sword attacks and another energy sphere at such close range is too much too fast.
~ “Unfortunately both of Hero hands where preocupied and a dager was heading srate for his ribs.” [15]~ Words spelt wrong: preoccupied, dagger, and straight.
~ “Hero was lucky with that one, and now it was time to retune the favor. Nameless shot another sphear of light at Bearin's face while putting some ground between himself and his opponient.” [15]~ Words spelt wrong: ‘return’, sphere, and opponent.
~ “Hero could not give up, he would not be deffeated. This would be the last asult hero would do. Hero took the shot and infused it into the blade of his sword of light. This is the first time that Hero has done this. The blade suddenly brightend. This is all the energy he had left to fight put into the blade. The pain worsend, the exaustion almost took over, but Hero continued to stand tall.” [15]~ Words spelt wrong: defeated, brightened, worsened, and exhaustion. Other than that, you infused a ball of energy into a sword you weren’t supposed to have to begin with. “The blade suddenly [brightened]” is also an incomplete sentence.
~ “Hero laughed heartly and took back what energy he could from the blade to keep himself from colapsing and walked over to help his once opponient, now friend, up from the ground. "Friends indeed, come let us rest, heal, and learn more of each other." Nameless Hero said to Bearin, genuenly happy that he had desided to end the fight in a draw.” [17]~ Words spelt wrong: heartily, collapsing, opponent, genuinely, and decided.
~ “Hero went over to get his short sword to put it away. But when he picked it up, the blade broke of in a cleen cut. Nameless looked over to Bearin and started laughing again. "Looks like I'll need a new blade. Mabe bying a steel or mithrial would be better than iorn." Lightning pulled open the vault door with his teeth and pranced over to Nameless. The to warriors and tiger cub left for the closest stone bench as the monks came over to heal wounds.” [17]~ The first sentence is not a proper sentence, a fragment. You also spelt words wrong: clean, maybe, buying, mythril, iron, and two.
BrScHo
~ “Bearin stood in silence, his eyes closed his long black hair falling just below his shoulder line waiting for the large wooden doors to swing open so he could meet his opponent.” [2]~ You missed a comma making the sentence longwinded and somewhat of a run-on. A couple commas would make this more manageable and easier to read and follow.
~ “Suddenly in his hand a small light appeared it danced around his hand until he raised it above his head.” [4]~ The preceding sentence needs a period before you begin the next one.
~ “but not Bearin he was much to clever.” [8]~ You need a comma after Bearin, and it should be “too” instead of “to”.
~ In the 10th post you dance away from your opponent, give some short sentence of dialogue, pull out a book, recite a spell, and then put the book away and prepare to fight and then cast a spell. It’s far too much for a single post.
~ “He had knew how to counter spells but it was to late for that…” [14]~ “knew” was out of place, should have been something like “He knew” or “He had the knowledge of how to counter”. Also, it should be too, instead of to.
~ “the almost constant onslaught of attacks from Hero had left him a exhasted too.” [16]~ Spelt exhausted wrong, but you also should have had “as” instead of “a”
~ “As hero set up for his final strike Bearin laughed and let out a compremise for both warriors.” [16]~ spelt compromise wrong.
~ “or we can fight to the death, you'r call partner." [16]~ Or should be capitalized, “you’re” was spelt wrong and it should be ‘your call’, since you’re means you are.
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