Team Registration: Dark Bullet

[Alecia Crawford]

Team Name Dark Bullet

Team Members Scriptwriter667/ Alecia Crawford

Links to characters Alecia Crawford (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17915)

Evan Berg-Bierman (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17891)

I am going to start.
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The first thing Alecia felt was a series of pains. Her breathig was slighted, her arms and legs not participating with her mind. The sudden jolts are what forced her to open her eyes, gasping for dear life. It was a pain umatched by any other she felt in a while; It was as though there were poisounous snakes playing in her veins, climbing up and biting anything they could.

When it was all over, Alecia was too exhausted by her screams and own struggles to move. Even so, She wasn't particularly eager to move anyway. There was something more mind boggling cornering her thoughts.

'Where am I?' she wondered. More importantly, where had she been before this. There seemed to be no before in place and time. Her memories of growth, family, and friends were still there, yet she could not pinpoint exactly what was she doing beforehand.

Than she heard another gasping sound similar to the one she'd made herself. She wiped her eyes, put her thoughts on hold for a moment, and turned to the right of her.

She was not alone. A guy, though that's all she could make out about him in the darkness, sat in the corner of the room, groaning and screaming. Finally, after screaming to himself for a while, he turned his attention to her, or at least turned his head in her direction.

"Who are you, and why do you have my gun?" he asked weakly.

Though Alecia hadn't noticed it until now, her Staff of Darkness was not beside her or in her hands. Instead, there was a rifle next to her, an object she wouldn't want to use even if she had the chance.

In turn, she asked him the same question. "And why do you have my Staff?"

[Scriptwriter667]

Evan was very curious as to who the woman was, and where he was. He looked at his rifle, seeing it somehow unloaded. He pulled out his Ruger SR9 and knife, somehow ready to shoot, protecting himself.

"I'm going to say this again. WHO ARE YOU?!!" He cocked the hammer in the pistol, loading a 9x19 Luger Parabellum bullet into the chamber. Once doing so, he fired one shot in the air, making the woman jump. "TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!" He was growing impatient. He needed answers for where he was.

[Alecia Crawford]

Alecia sighed. At least she knew one thing; she wasn't working with a nice man. The next few seconds were spent on her gathering the Black Dust in the area to use to her advantage. Suprsingly enough, and rather unexpected, the quantity of Dust in this small, seemingly constrained room was nearly large enough to fill a room two times this size. That was a hint; a general source of information concerning where she was and, probably, how she'd gotten there.

Whoever constructed this place had very dark intentions in mind, and one with such a large amount of Dark Energy surely had enough power to summon others into their realms.

More questions began to come to the surface. She contemplated whether this was the only room, and what the actual goal was. Even now, with her power boost, she couldn't remember exactly what had happened beforehand.

The man in the corner was also gathering some hidden strength of his own, willpower more than anything. He struggled to stand up, muttering so low that she couldn't really catch his words. The amount of Dark Energy inside of him was that of an average human's capacity. This signified that it was just natural Dark Energy, not one that has been tampered with by powers. He couldn't possibly be the criminal that put this plan into effect.

Either way, he had to be silenced, or at least harmed. She figured there was SOME reason for him being locked in the room with her, and she really didn't want to find out why.

"Staff!" She called.

Automatically, the Staff went flying from beside the stranger and landed in Alecia's hnd. The tremors of comfort that she felt when holding her weapon traveled through her veins and restored her confidence. As usual, it was firm in her grip, its height almost a head taller than herself. The dark, crystal-like ball at the top was swarming with Darkness on the inside. It didn't appear to be tampered with. Why had it been moved beside the stranger, then? She was starting to grow weary.

"You, what is your power? Why are you here?" Than, before looking away, she added,"Is there any way you can bring light to this area. I don't know what power has been used in this room, but I can't see through this darkness."

[Scriptwriter667]

Evan was very surprized to see the woman use some kind of telekinesis to get the staff, but he was not really impressed. She stepped forward a bit saying her words, which made him very tense. He pulled his knife and stil aimed his pistol at her.

"Not ANOTHER STEP! I MEAN IT!" He shot another round into the air, making her less tense than before. He stepped forward, making her feel at ease. He was very contempt at how she was: very peaceful.

"Now. I am going to be very frank with this. Tell me who you are and I won't literally shoot you. If you do, I'll be calm. Okay? So tell your name." The woman was very quiet for a second. "NAME!" Evan then put a gun to her head, trying to grab his rifle in the process. Unfortunately... the woman had other plans to take this masquerade on even farther.

[Alecia Crawford]

The gun wasn't as fearful to her as it should have been, not when her power was up this high and her staff was in her hand. However, she held her staff tightly, just in case. Other than that, she kept her features completely calm. Showing fear was showing weakness. That would be her biggest mistake.

"I'm Alecia Crawford, Savior of the Damned. I've never seen you before, though I can't help but find your attitude highly suspicious. Why be so angry? I have done nothing...yet. Just like you, I woke up in this grimy room, confused and slightly powerless. Something's tricky going on."

She knocked her Staff into the ground, causing the room to shake. It was time to get the power flowing. "I don't mind if you don't have all the answers," she said silently, skillfully stepping away from the gun pointed to her head. "I at least would like to have a light, or you'd be luckier with a light. You don't have a lighter or anything? If we fight, I can find you by your inner Darkness."

[Scriptwriter667]

He put the gun down, putting it in the holster, grabbing his rifle. He checked it, making sure there were rounds in it, but it was jammed by a double bullet in the chamber. Very frustrated, he threw the rifle to the floor, then grabbing the back of his head with both hands being very frantic. He started to freak out under immense pressure.

"Why? WHY?!!" Evan then got on his knees and started to show emotion. "Why did this have to happen to me?!!" He moved towards Alecia, and was very nonchalant, trying to conceal his actions, but it failed. "I... I don't need no damn LIGHT!" He then grabbed his knife and with a backward thrust, he moved his knife toward Alecia, but she moved so quick that she had the stamina of a cheetah or cougar. "Sonuva *****. I'm not staying cooped up in here anymore." He started then relying on his senses, trying to hear her moving, but it failed. All he could hear was his own heart beating.

[Alecia Crawford]

Alecia was no longer anywhere near him. She stood across the room from him, focusing on his inner darkness and light. She couldn't see his actual body, but she could see the forces like fog spiraling his body where skin should have been. She sighed. He was like a man purposely jumping in a sea full of sharks right now.

Though she really saw no point to fight him other than self defense, she decided to do so anyway, at least to try and harm him enough to make him too wounded to attack when she needed him to talk.

Using her dark power on him would be pointless. Her goal was more to hurt him than to kill him. Her combat was something she usually didn't speak of. Alecia excelled in honing powers, but had very basic combat greatly in need of improvement. Yet she ignored this and turned her Staff to the opposite side, where a large spear came out the the end. Focusing on his Darkness and light inside of his arm, she jammed forward.

Somehow, the man managed to dodge. It appeared to be nothing more than a coincidental stumble, so she jabbed again. A clumsy movement once again, but a clumsy movement good enough to keep him from getting harmed in the least.

"Damn," She muttered. "I don't remember how to use this thing."

When she looked up, the man was no longer there. Her eyes grew wide. She stayed still, grwoing slightly tense. Where had he gone?!

Focus. She could well sense his energy wherever he was in the room if she just closed her eyes and --

whoosh. A bullet whizzed right past her shoulder, grazing it as it went. But how....

[Scriptwriter667]

Evan moved as fast as he could against the wall, concealign heartbeat with silent, yet quick, steps. Once around the wall, he could hear her strike the wrong direction and pulled out his Ruger, firing a single round at her. Unfortunately, it did not hit her, but it grazed her shoulder, not making any serious damage. Somehow, Evan was clinging onto the wall by his mere fingertips and the soles of his boots, moving as silent as he possibly could. But he made one false step and slid his foot against the wall, making himself a target to Alecia.

"Oh ****." He said while catching a kick in the face and a stab in the left arm by the spear. He screamed in pain, but stood again. "That freakin hurt!" She was very contempt, and shoved the round end of the staff into his gut, making his stutter to his feet again. She felt the rush of blood go through her veins, she point the sharp end of her staff at his neck, leaving only an inch of space, whereas Evan grabbed his knife and held it against her neck.

"Wellwellwell... I stand off. How interesting." She said with a grin on her face.

[Alecia Crawford]

The very moment the stranger began to make a comment, Alecia quickly manuevered away in order to heal herself of her minor pains. She had a feeling that there would be more battles ahead, and she didn't want the minor wounds to be a problem when more major ones were on the way. She flung herself back into a distant wall. With all of her weight on the wall, it only made the wall pushing in on it's own so much more annoying. She instantly fell to the ground. Surprises weren't her strong point.

Light. Incomprehensible sounds so loud that she was afraid she'd go deaf. It was all too sudden for her to be prepared. That wall had done more than caused her to fall; it was a 'button' of some sort that awakened the room.

She squinted her eyes, allowing herself to become accustomed to the change. She had to focus. The stranger, just like herself, was shielding his eyes from the bright light, his back now facing her.

The room was just as small as she'd assumed, if not smaller. It was very rundown. Cracks covered the majority of the walls. Paint that was once blue was now a dirty grey. The floor was cracking away, revealing bug infested dirt.

Even more noticeable, there was no door or windows. There was no visible way out.

[Scriptwriter667]

Evan just sat against the wall, gripping his arm. "Damn... thats my good shooting hand. Oh well. I might as well live." He said while trying to stand, struggling in the process. "Am... Am I Dead? 'Cuz I swear I see a bright light." He said, putting his weapons away. He started to feel more remorse than pain.

"Listen, Alecia. If I am dead, then I'm sorry for trying to kill you." He then started to walk towards the light, then turning around, looking at her. "By the way, my name's Evan. Nice to have... painfully met you." He then kept walking, trying to put pressure on his arm.

[Taskmienster]

Judged by Taskmienster, reviewed by Mathias, Max Dirks, and Remaeus. Panel A!



Judgment Time! So, this is just a skeletal rubric we will be using later on in the tournament, just so that the opening registration threads will be done quickly and proficiently. That being said, this is also a way for you to understand what is expected of the full rubric and get a good feel. If you have any questions on how things work you are free to contact me at any time for assistance. I am also going to be putting in ‘general notes’ at the end of the judgment, with a post signifier [post number] so that you can go back and look over the part that I commented. This is for your convenience only, not something that all mods will do, and is not required, but something that I like to add in for further help. Just for reference, a 2.5 out of 5 is the pure median for a score, so don't worry, it's not like... 'epic fail'-ness. Haha.


Story (2/5)




~This section is most notably used for how well you did. In the full rubric it will be split into three different parts: Continuity, Setting, and Pacing. Continuity is the section regarding the background of who your character is and where they came from, without a good bit of reflection on your back story it’s difficult for the reader to understand most other categories that are also being looked over. Setting is the part of the judging that is pretty much self explanatory. A good setting not only shows the reader as well as the participants of the thread were you are and what’s around, but also involves the tactical and practical use of the setting your character is interacting with. Final section of Story is the Pacing. This is the most complex of parts to analyze, normally. However, in a battle the pacing of the story is the intent of the writer to keep the reader on the edge of their seats, build the suspense well, and let it dwindle correctly.~

~Continuity: Neither of you gave me a background of where you came from, why you were there, or who you were before coming to that small place. Keep in mind that background is a pivotal necessity for furthering the reader’s understanding of character and action, as well as many other sections of the rubric. Without it it’s terribly difficult to comprehend why you do certain things, or where your powers came from, or why you have guns…

~Setting: Alecia, you wrote enough about the setting for me to gather the general size of the place, but nothing about what the setting was actually like. Remember, though it’s dark you can still feel things, smell things, and generally sense them without sight. That doesn’t mean that you should go overboard and say that you can smell the iron nails holding the oak planked walls together… but you can move your hand across them and feel them. Other senses can be used just as well as sight, given the circumstances.

Script, you didn’t give me any setting at all. Firing a weapon would, of course, make a loud percussion noise that would echo through the small area, or off walls. Things like that add to the dimensions of the surrounding, but so would something about the bullets course. Firing a round into the air, it would have to hit a ceiling, or if no roof is present would continue on till it began to fall bad down. If it hits a ceiling it’s bound to have soot and the like fall from it, if it doesn’t hit anything wouldn’t your character find that strange? Things like that can help at least form a trivial and base layout of the building you are in.

~Pacing: Alecia did well to keep a steady pace, keeping the story moving forward. Remember that whatever pacing you start with to try and keep it up so that you don’t lose the readers interest, keep the action lively and the dialogue believable and the pacing will follow suit. Script, you seemed to more react to the situation’s given, instead of give your own actions in order to continue the story. There is more to writing with a person, especially in a battle, than simple react and act again. You have the opportunity to advance the storyline with every post, and keeping pace with fellow writers posts is difficult, but just ponder about what you could do to help the flow progress so that the next writer can keep up the readers interest.




Character (1.8/5)




~This section is looked in regards to another three parts: Dialogue, Action, and Persona. Each of these is rather simple to explain, compared to the story section. Action is a matter of following actions and a direction that makes sense for your character. If your character is a powerhouse then his actions sulking and hiding wouldn’t make much sense, same goes for if your character is a spy or assassin, up front confrontation wouldn’t make sense either. Dialogue is self explanatory, what you say, but it is not just that simple either. Dialogue pertains to whether your character is speaking in ways that make sense. A quiet character wouldn’t talk a lot, but maybe have inner thoughts instead, a cocksure character might stop in the middle of a fight to talk a lot, or a character whose persona isn’t either probably wouldn’t pull away from conflict to give a long speech. Persona is how well you keep ‘in character’, it is not just a part controlled by what you say your character does, but how he performs actions and why he does so. This section is contributed to by dialogue, action, pacing, continuity, and to a degree setting.~

~Script: Instead of telling me that he ‘started to show emotion’ tell me what emotions, and how they affected his tone. Instead of using the word ‘said’ you could say ‘whined’ or something equivalent to that to express that he was uncomfortable with where he was. Also, your dialogue is somewhat hasty and sharp. The overuse of ALL CAPS in speech detracts from the aesthetic quality of the writing. Simply putting an exclamation mark after something will suffice as well, if not better, than writing in all caps. Furthermore, your persona is hard to follow without a background or explanation within the post itself as to why he is frantic, or why he is quick to hold a gun to someone he doesn’t know. Things like a short sentence about how he is ‘unfamiliar with the surrounding and in turn defensive because he doesn’t feel in control’ will do a lot to help out the reader understand what is happening.

~Alecia: You did well to write out how the character reacted, along with a little bit that helped me understand her personality, I would suggest that you push it a little further and add a little more detail into WHY she does what she does. What is the inner darkness that you sense? What are your powers? Why do you have them? Little bits and pieces that get answered help not only for the reader to understand your character, but help with the continuity as well. To add to this, why was your character not concerned with the gun being held to her head in post [5]? Much less how does she know what a gun is, or that it is a gun without light? Your dialogue was a bit more believable, but under the circumstances it felt more forced than natural. You don’t always have to speak out loud, but can have internal conflict and dialogue as well that will do just as fine.




Writing Style (2.5/5)




~The final section is the compilation of the final three parts: Technique, Mechanics, and Clarity. Technique is the section that we delve into your personal style of writing, in regards to ‘advanced’ styles of writing. The use of alliteration, foreshadowing, and metaphors or similes are going to heighten this score. Of course, stylistic uses of technique that go against proper grammar are also goo ways to use Technique, and will not be counted against you in the next section. Mechanics is the grammatically correct part of the judgment. How many mistakes you made with spelling, punctuation, and other mistakes is how this section is scored. Clarity is by far the most simple to judge. Were all the other sections clear? Was the way you told the story clear? Was your writing clear? That is what the entire section of clarity is about~

~Neither of you used any ‘advanced’ techniques, consider working at least a few into the thread since it helps the flow and overall appearance of the thread quite well. They of course need to be worked in well, instead of suddenly thrown into the thread without a means of incorporating them smoothly into the writing style that you are using. Since both of you use a very simple style, I’d suggest that you use rather simple techniques instead of really ‘off the wall’ metaphors that might not blend so well. Neither of you wrote anything unclear, per se, just at times the actions, dialogue, and way you portrayed your character was a bit hard to understand.




Total: (6.3/15)

General Notes




~ “Than” [1]~ Should be Then. It is used again as ‘than’ instead of ‘then’ in post [3].

~Script: You bunny your partner a WHOLE lot. More so than usual. Remember, let them decide how their character is acting and reacting to the situation. Instead, write out what you are doing and how you feel. Instead of writing out her actions, take the time to write what you see and how the setting is as well…

~As a side note, for future reference, the threads that are being posted in the tournament section of Althanas do NOT need to be submitted for judgment. Also, threads that are in the correct area to be submitted should only be done so once, without further notes asking when it will be finished. The staff team is doing the best we can to get as much of these finished as we can, as quickly and proficiently as we can. Do not expect a judgment to appear within minutes of when you submit something, or even within a single day. It may take longer than that. Thank you!