The Golden Girl Tavern

[Chiroptera]

Wasn't SUPPOSED to be solo, but . . .

Eltarri Jordel pushed open the heavy door and stepped into the tavern hesitantly, her eyes scouring the large room before her. Tables of dark mahogany lined the walls on floors of the same, worn from years of scuffing shoes and careless spills. Few patrons sat at the bar at the far end of the room, sipping from mugs and conversing languidly with one another.

"Courage," she whispered softly, letting the door slide shut behind her before taking a few hesitant steps forward. Her leather boots whispered across the floor and the four-foot sword strapped to her back jangled in its halter. Some of the men looked up as she entered, taking in her diminuitive size and simple dress and comparing it to the weapon on her back and the determined expression on her face.
Eltarri stopped and conspicuously cleared her throat when she had reached the bar. The man behind it looked at her with raised brows.

"You want something?" He asked brusquely. She opened her mouth to reply, but before she could speak the bartender continued, "becase if you do, you'll have to go somewhere else. I don't serve animals."
Heat flushed through Eltarri's face as laughs poured from the men around her. Humans and their hatred of half-breeds . . .

"I'm looking for someone," she stated.

"Izzat so?" The bartender questioned uncaringly.

"I need to find a wizard."
Conversation ceased at this pronouncement. Several of the men turned frowns onto the red-and-black clothed girl.

"We don't 'ssociate with them magic folk," the bartender said sternly, glaring down a long nose at her. "And we don't like foreigners in our town."
Eltarri hoped her heart's frantic pace wasn't audible.

"I know," she said. "But I also know that Scara Brae is home to some of the most powerful- and possibly the most cowardly- wizards in the land."
The man sniffed and turned away.

"I don't know nothin' 'bout wizards," he said scornfully. "But I do know that you ain't allowed unsheathed weapons in my tavern."

[Chiroptera]

The sun blazed down onto the dusty street, but its fierce light was not what brought tears to the eyes of Eltarri. She stood outside the tavern, her cheeks red with humiliation and her heart heavy with despair. She had suspected, before entering the Golden Girl, that the men therein would be less than welcoming to one with her ancestry, but she hadn't prepared herself for the cold wall of hatred that had been erected the moment her pointed ears had appeared in the doorway. Was this the way all men were?
She shook her head chidingly. Of course not, else how would her human father ever have loved her mother?

Bad luck. She decided optimistically. Of all the dingy little mountain-side villages I could have made my debut in, I simply chose the one whose occupants are all xenophobic.
With a defiant toss of her head, Eltarri stepped out into the road. Even after being on the road for two weeks, the warmth of the sun was a new and inspiring feeling, like the soft touch of a god, the promise of protection. Eltarri felt her spirits rising as she made her way through the streets, ignoring the stares and whispers that followed in her wake.

East. She decided spontaneously. Scara Brae was a land of legend and myth. Perhaps the books she had read were mistaken about the presence of wizards. But no matter. The world was a large place, and there had to be plenty of other cities in which she could search for a competent magic-wielder.
Eltarri's footsteps faltered as the weight of her quest suddenly weighed upon her. She turned to face the mountains that rose in the distance, shielding her eyes against the burning light of the sun.

"Do not despair, mother," she whispered vehemently. "I will not fail you."
She turned back to her road, shifting her shoulders merely to hear the familiar clanking of the sword. A smile played on her face as she went on through the silent streets . . .

[Chiroptera]

The silent streets that had only moments ago rang with the sounds of life.

Oh, blast.

"Heed, half-breed!" cried a voice from the upper window of one of the buildings just as the sound of fast running reached her ears. Eltarri ducked and rolled, hearing the swish of steel through the space that her neck had recently occupied.
She came up in a crouch a few feet away, one hand resting on the clasp of her harness and the other encircling the hilt of her sword. The sight of her adversary, however, stole away her ability to move.
A figure stood before her, clothed in a light blue uniform and bearing two swords, one a steel katana and the other a silver saber, the edge of which was darkened as though with dried blood. It was the being's face that froze her, for the distantly masculine features were horribly mutilated and screwed into a baleful glare. Drooping skin hung off the prominent cheekbones below glowing red eyes and a gaping maw that was filled with yellow teeth and wagging tongues.

"What in the nine hells are you supposed to be?" she muttered in horror. Mind racing to connect the monster before her with something from the many books she had read, Eltarri pulled the clasp on her halter. The sling in which her sword rested sprang open, releasing the weapon into her waiting hand.
The monster's head moved slowly, its bulging eyes swirling before they fixed onto the crouching girl. A low moan came from its throat as it slowly turned its body to face her.

[Chiroptera]

Eltarri swung the sword around so that she could grip it in both hands and rose to her feet, pointing the sharp end at the creature in front of her.

Why is it moving so slowly? She frantically wondered. She remembered how fast it had been running when it came upon her; so fast that it would have killed her had she not responded to the warning call before her mind had even registered that she was moving or that there was an opponent to be wary of.
The monster now faced her, its arms bent so that the swords were held crossed over its chest. Slowly it began to crouch, its ragged military pants straining to hold in the tightening muscles of its legs.
Eltarri saw the face of the monster change only an instant before it sprang forward. The roaming eyes had suddenly become a piercing green, the slack mouth had tightened into a fierce snarl, and suddenly the monster was close enough to smell.
The being moved with a berserker-like speed, darting forward and sweeping both swords out in cleaving arches aimed at the girl's neck. Eltarri's arms raced up by their own accord, her bracers guiding her hands so that the sword was suddenly placed between her face and the blades of the monster.
Her whole body jarred with the impact as both of the monster's swords scraped their length against her weapon. Then the beast stood slack before her, arms outstretched in a hideous imitation of a father holding out his arms to greet his child, close enough for her to smell the sickening stench of decaying flesh.
Without a thought her magical bracers moved her hands in two sweeping arches that sliced across the exposed torso of the monster. Belly and chest were ripped open before the bracers followed with a lunge that pushed her sword into the belly of the beast right up to the hilt.

"Gods above," Eltarri shrieked, instinct overriding the bracers. She leapt back from the creature and stared in horror at what she assumed was her first kill.
The monster's head lolled as its eyes glanced over its rended body. Then they rolled towards Eltarri, and the creature moaned as it turned towards her, her only weapon sticking out of its back.

[Chiroptera]

How can it still be standing upright? She wondered with a cold rush of fear. Without the bracers the sword weighs more than a full-grown horse!
The monster once again was crouching, its blades crossed over its chest, seemingly unaffected by the swiftly-healing rends in its flesh or the weapon in its belly.

"I think . . . I'll be going now," Eltarri murmured faintly. The eyes changed color, but she was already running, weaving to the side as the monster charged at the spot where she had been standing. She glanced over her shoulder and saw it looking back at her, already beginning to realign itself with her path.
A weak whimper broke through her lips as she sprinted as hard as she could. But where would she go? Surely the villagers wouldn't leave her to be killed by that . . . thing. But they'd already left her in the street when they knew it was coming; why else would everyone have abandoned the roads so suddenly? Who was it who had called the warning?
Lungs burning, Eltarri slowed her pace and looked behind her.
With a startled yelp she dived to the side as the blue-bedecked monster hurtled towards her, legs moving impossibly fast and blades crossed until right before it swung them. It stood with arms outstretched for only a moment before its eyes began to seek out her position.
Where could she run? It was too fast! And without her sword, she was completely defenseless. Mother, I'm sorry . . .

"Elf-girl!"
Eltarri's head swung towards the voice. It came from a face that was poked from behind a large mahogany door below a swinging sign that protrayed a fair-haired woman who winked with a beckoning crook of a finger.
The Golden Girl.

"Get moving if ya want to live, wench!"
Eltarri moved.
She was barely through the door before it was slammed shut behind her. The bartender bolted the latch, then placed a large wooden plank across the doorway. He glanced unsympathetically at the gasping girl who stood doubled over before him. Then his face broke into a wide grin.

"Well, now you've met our resident monster, eh, lassie?" He said in a jocular tone.

"That . . . thing . . . my sword . . . wouldn't die!" Eltarri managed to gasp out. A few chuckles came from behind the bar.

"Well o' course 'e wouldn't die," the bartender said impatiently, "he's already dead!"
Eltarri stopped breathing for a few seconds.

"A zombie?" she squeaked.

"He only comes out a few times a year. Usually doesn't bother anyone, long as no one is out when he is." He gave her a pointed glance as a thud reverberated through the door. The bartender sighed as six heads rose from behind the bar. The men who had earlier been companionably drinking now carried rusted and dull weapons.

"What'll happen now?" Eltarri asked as the bartender accepted a bent broadsword from one of the men.

"Now that he's been awakened, he won't go back to his lair 'til he's had blood," one of the other men said accusingly.

"Awakened? I didn't awaken anyone!" Eltarri cried indignantly as Jaicom again attacked the door.

"Didn't you notice that he was getting faster each time he sprang at ya?" the bartender said. "Now we'll have to go try to kill him again."

"You can't kill him," Eltarri objected. "Even my sword doesn't affect him!"

"Look, wench," the man said patronizingly. "That zombie out there wants blood. When he figgers out that he can't get through my door, he'll go for someone weaker. I ain't riskin' it be my family, see? We menfolk here will go and the one who fights the worst will die for a noble cause. 'Tain't the first time somebody's had to die for the good of ever'body else."
Eltarri stared with astonished admiration at the human. Her books had told stories of men who did such courageous things, but she had always assumed that the stories were just that. Perhaps she had misjudged the human race . . .

[Chiroptera]

"Let me help you," she said impulsively. The bartender gazed down at the slight girl and then shook his head.

"You don't even have a weapon," he said scoffingly, "and there's no way a little lass like you will be able to 'elp us. You've already faced the zombie, and we all know how well that turned out."

"Why did you save me, by the way?"
He looked away uncomfortably, then glanced around at the men before sighing and scratching his chin.

"The way we figgered is that if you was a true elf, you coulda used magic or sommet to kill 'im," he said a little shamefacedly. "But when you was about to be killed and you only had that sword, we decided that maybe you was just born with some unlucky ears- maybe a bit of tainted blood in your father's ancestry. And I weren't willin' to have the death of a 'uman girl on my 'ead."

"But if I were an elf . . ." Eltarri suggested.
The bartender's face hardened. "I woulda said 'good riddance' and watched you die with pleasure."
Eltarri's shoulders drooped in disappointment. No, she hadn't misjudged the humans at all.

"Stay here, lass, until one of us falls," the bartender ordered. "Then open the door and let the livers back in."

"I need to get my sword back!" Eltarri protested, but she knew that her argument carried no weight. Her bracers only worked with the blade that was stuck in the monster's belly, and considering that she had never been trained in any form of combat, without that weapon she was as useless as a sopping milk-maid.

"Stop your yapping and do as I say. You had your chance at 'im, now it's our turn. Gather 'round the door, men, and we'll rush 'im after the next charge!"
Eltarri could only step back and watch as the men prepared themselves to face the undead monster. But what could they possibly hope to accomplish? Their steel weapons were useless against it, and if even her considerable bracer-induced skill was unable to defeat Jaicom, how could these untrained farmers hope to do any better?

"Do you at least have any silver weapons?" She asked desperately. Silver had magical properties, maybe . . .
The bartender barked a laugh. "Silver? We ain't seen silver in these parts in a hunnerd years. Only silver round here is the one in Jaicom's hands, and it won't be me who tries to wrest it from his grasp."

Eltarri was tempted to stand back and let the men risk their lives, but the heroic tales that she had grown up on kept her from complacency. It was always the evil characters who let other die without doing anything to prevent it, the wicked villians who willingly watched good people destroy themselves for others. What if her current wilingness to risk the lives of these men stemmed from that kernel of evil that the sorceress had placed in her heart so long ago? Eltarri wasn't willing to risk the growth of that inner darkness. She would fight it, as she had all her life, until she found one who was powerful enough to remove it from inside of her.

"Wait," she said loudly. The men turned their faces to her, the fear and resignation in their eyes briefly replaced by annoyance. Eltarri took a deep breath.

"I am an elf," she stated. "My ears are no freak mutation." She rattled off a phrase in Elven and watched as the men's annoyance turned to disgust and anger.

"You're a dark elf!" one man accused. "That's why Jaicom came; he's attracted to your evil!"

"Too true," Eltarri agreed tiredly. The bartender, red-faced and seething, stepped closer to her and brandished his ancient blade.

"Get out."

A thud echoed through the door as Jaicom continued his barrage. Eltarri stepped toward the door that the men had moved away from, feeling the warmth of their angry glares on her back.

"Thank you." she said after Jaicom had slammed into the door again, "for almost saving me."

[Chiroptera]

The sun was still shining when Eltarri darted out from the Golden Girl Tavern and sprinted a few yards away, back down the road on which the zombie had chased her. Her mind raced as she tried to think of way to evade him. He was faster than she could ever hope to be, but at least his reaction time was delayed. Running wouldn't help because he could cross any distance in only a moment and it would only tire her to spend the day sprinting. Beside that, where would she go?
Eltarri turned and saw the monster charge the door of the tavern, standing for a moment with swords out wide before he took a few shuffling steps back to prepare for the next rush. Red eyes roamed, then focused on the girl who stood only twenty feet away from him. For one long second, the bloodshot orbs connected with Eltarri's golden eyes. Then Jaicom's head slowly swivelled back to focus on the tavern door.
A new target?
The man had said that zombies were attracted to evil.
Eltarri dared to hope . . . Perhaps the amassed hatred and anger of the men inside the tavern eclipsed her own supply of darkness.

"Great," she murmured sarcastically as Jaicom again charged the door. "Now I know that I'm less evil than seven cowardly elf-haters put together."

Eltarri sighed and squared her chin determinedly. She wasn't the prey anymore, but she couldn't just leave the men in the tavern to die at the hands of the zombie. He wasn't anywhere near breaking through the thick wooden door, but the tireless undead was sure to keep at it until he got the blood he sought.

"Hero time," Eltarri said, a slight smile accompanying the chill that swept down her spine. "But first, I want my sword back."

[Chiroptera]

Eltarri crouched in the street and counted the seconds it took for the zombie to rush and reload. It remained with its arms wide for five seconds and took another fifteen seconds to shuffle back and drop into the crouch.
The rush itself took less than two seconds.

Eltarri stood and shook out her hands, welcoming the warm sunshine that banished the cold of fear. She took a few steps back towards the monster and waited until its eyes turned green before launching herself forward.
Jaicom had finished the charge by the time she reached him and stood with arms spread wide.

"Two . . . three . . .," Eltarri threw herself between the zombie and the door, ignoring the stench of the beast as she took hold of the maroon hilt that poked from beneath his ribs. Red eyes swivelled down towards her, but Eltarri was already moving, tugging at the sword with all her might as she jumped back, pulling the weapon with her. It sprang free with a sickening squelch and threw her off balance.
Eltarri fell onto her back a pace away from the monster, her sword flung behind her by the force of its exit. Sticky white fluid spattered against her as the sword flew through the air before it landed on the street with the force of a falling tree.
Grimacing in disgust, Eltarri rolled to her feet, keeping an eye on the zombie as she ran for her sword. Jaicom stood for a moment, moaning as the gaping hole in his torse melted shut, and then began to shuffle back, swords closing in to cross over his chest.
Eltarri whooped victoriously as she lifted her sword, the blade dripping with the mucus-like substance.

"I can cut him, but he can heal," Eltarri reminded herself as she readied herself again for a charge, sword high in front of her face.

Jaicom flew forward and slammed into the mahogany door, slicing deep into the grooves that he had already carved into its surface. Eltarri moved too, running forward and then leaping to the side so that she stood behind the zombie.

"This counts as self-defense!" She growled, lifting her sword and swinging it down with all of her might onto the pale-grey wrist of the monster.
The hand dropped from the arm, taking the saber it held down with it. They clattered to the street and lay for a moment, the fingers clenching spasmodically and white fluid pouring from the severed end. Jaicom bellowed, his eyes twisting to look from his severed hand to the girl, and then back to the hand again. He moaned and moved, not back in a shuffle, but forward, toward Eltarri, bending over slowly as he approached.

Eltarri didn't wait for his arrival. She reached down and picked up the saber, fighting nausea as the hand remained attached. She held one sword in each hand and moved away from the zombie, watching in revulsion as the flesh on his severed arm bulged and shaped itself into a replacement. But the monster kept coming.

"It's the silver," she told herself firmly. "Zombies are attracted not only to evil, but to silver!"

She hurriedly set the saber onto the ground and used her sword to chop at the unyielding hand. The zombie had stopped moving and was beginning to drop into a crouch, its hideous face firrmly directed towards her.

"Blast," she muttered as she hacked at the fingers. Half of her blows completely missed the hand since the bracers only guided her sword in self-defense, but she eventually sliced through the digits and picked up the saber by its hilt, ignoring the slick fluid that greased her grip of the weapon.
The monster's eyes turned green and the bracers kicked into action, swinging up her giant sword to deflect the sweeping blow made by the zombie's remaining katana as it sprang forward. The saber still in one hand, Eltarri's black sword was knocked out of her grasp by the force of the swing.

Eltarri screamed as she sunk the silver saber into the zombie's chest. It sank between two of its ribs and Eltarri began to saw, retching at the smell of burning flesh that was emitted wherever the silver touched.

The zombie shrieked, pulling its arms in to cross them over its hewn chest. Eltarri ripped the saber from its torso and jumped out of the monster's reach. She darted around him and stabbed him again in the back, then pulled out the blade to sever the beast's katana-bearing arm. Leaping back, Eltarri retreated a few paces away, panting heavily. She noted with grim satisfaction that the katana-arm didn't regenerate. In fact, none of the cuts she had made with the saber were healing.

"Oh, yeah," she muttered viciously. "You are definitely going down."

The zombie was turning slowly to re-focus on her, but Eltarri moved before he could. She leapt forward and swept the sword at an upward angle, reaching as high as her short stature would allow. The saber sliced through its neck, ripping through tendon and bone, leaving smoking flesh in its path.
Jaicom's head lolled back, connected to his shoulders by only a torn length of skin and sinew. Milky fluid splurted into the air and Eltarri squealed as drops of it landed in her hair and on her clothes. She ran backwards and paused to see if the zombie was still functional.
It was.
Its moan reduced to a bubbly growl, the zombie dropped into a crouch, using its remaining hand to lift the head back into place and then using the stub to prop it up so that it stayed there. The eyes focused on her and turned green.
Eltarri dropped into a crouch and lifted the saber, bracing her arms just as the zombie rushed forward. The sword pushed through the zombie's flesh like a shark through water, sliding up through the stomach and into the creature's heart.

[Chiroptera]

Pulling the sword out, Eltarri was chagrined to see that the now-keening zombie still looked around for her, still dropped into a crouch to prepare for a charge.

"Gods above, are you still alive?"
Eltarri jumped forward and cut the flesh that kept the head attached to the body. It dropped to the ground and rolled, long stringy hair wrapping around it as it went.
Eltarri groaned and forced herself to chase it, picking it up by the hair before breaking into a run down the street, the grey head swinging from her hand. The teeth gnashed and the eyes roamed, but Eltarri forced herself to keep running. She could hear the headless zombie behind her as it shuffled forward. How did it know where to go?

"Blasted eyes!" She cursed. She veered to the side and grabbed a skirt from a clothesline suspended outside of one of the buildings. She wrapped the head with the skirt, carefully covering the lidless eyes, and sprinted back for the street. The zombie was still moving, but without the eyes' direction it slammed into buildings and bumped into bushes and steps.

"I know just the place for you," she said confidently. Pushing aside her mounting fatigue, Eltarri broke into a jog, setting out in the direction that she had come from that morning. It only took her a few minutes to reach the edge of town, and then she turned onto a side pathway that she had glimpsed on her way into town. A few hundred yards down the path, she stopped and unwrapped the head, pulling it free so that the eyes could see its surroundings.

"I've heard tell that a zombie doesn't hold much affection for its limbs," she said conversationally, "but that it would go to any lengths necessary to get back its head. Let's test this theory, shall we?"

Stepping up to the cobbled wall that surrounded the four-foot hole, Eltarri tossed the head into the darkness with a vindictive flick of her hand. She smiled with satisfaction when she heard it hit the dry bottom a few seconds later.

[Chiroptera]

"You put the zombie in our well?"

Eltarri sighed at the incredulous tone. She was tired enough to drop where she stood, but she turned to face the man who confronted her. She hadn't even wanted to go back to the town, but was compelled to fetch her sword.

"No," she answered irritably. "I put its head in the dry well."

The man before her stood with his arms crossed, his face mistrustful and cold. A golden band of cloth on his arm indicated his position of leadership, but Eltarri could tell his power by the crowd of frowning villagers who had massed behind him.

"Then the zombie is still out there?" he demanded.

"He won't be once he finds the well where his head is," she replied tartly. "And I wish that you morons would try to locate yours!"

Angry mutters passed through the crowd as Eltarri turned her back on them and walked on.

"Elves are not welcome in our town," the man declared to her back. "So begone, and take your evil monsters with you!"

"Happily," she murmured. Her sword lay where she had dropped it, though a small crowd of children had gathered around to marvel at its size. They dispersed as she drew near, the mistrust of their parents reflecting in their eyes as they moved away. Eltarri sighed and picked up her sword, wiping the blade on a patch of grass before setting it against the open sling. She pressed the clasp on her harness and the sling sprang shut, trapping the sword once again onto her back.
Stepping forward to leave, Eltarri stopped when she saw the bartender standing in his doorway, arms crossed and face still scrunched into a disapproving frown.
"Ya still ain't welcome," he called before she could say anything. "In my mind, you and Jaicom are one and the same."

Eltarri nodded at him soberly, too tired to even feel angry at the man's injustice.

"Hey, you," she called to one of the boys nearby. The dark-haired youth stepped forward hesitantly.

"Yes?" His voice was wary.

"Take this." She held out the silver saber hilt-first toward the boy. "Just in case the zombies ever attack you again."

"Why would I want a tainted weapon?" The boy asked scornfully. "It's probably filled with dark magic just like you are!"

Eltarri gazed at the boy sadly. "Don't let your parents hatred destroy you," she advised quietly.

"I'll take it."
Eltarri turned at the familiar voice. A light-haired youth was making his way toward her, his hand outstretched and a warm light in his grey eyes. Eltarri wordlessly handed the weapon to him. He smiled and lowered the saber, giving Eltarri a conspiratorial wink.

"See? We're not all bad."

Eltarri returned the smile and wearily shook her head.

"Don't worry," he continued. "I'll make sure the zombie gets to his head. You've done our ungrateful little town a good deed." He turned and headed back down the street he had come from.

"Thank you," Eltarri called impusively after him, "for the warning."

"You're welcome," he said with a jaunty salute. "And if you're ever in these parts again, come visit me. Name's Tael."

Eltarri watched him walk away, then turned and set off through the town on her own path. She left the village without incident or regret and walked as far east as she could go before making camp. And despite the insults and confrontation that had accompanied Eltarri's first encounter with mankind, the warmth of meeting her first and only friend brought a smile to the half-elf's lips as she slept.

[Osato]

[Score] --- 44!

[Introduction] 5
Interesting. I always enjoy reading a thread with a character I’ve never participated with or seen yet. New flair to rping, and always a different style then everyone else. This is no different. You did well, for your first roleplaying thread with this new character, but I here are some suggestions for the future.

~~Why is your character in this town?
~~What is the town called?
~~Where did your character come from?
~~A wizard? Why?

[Setting] 4
Be careful with the setting. Unless you describe where you are, what town you’re in, and the aspects of the society, you’re going to want to be careful soliciting such hatred and animosity. Scara Brae is a diverse island, though most of the population is human, it is also comprised of many elven and dwarven cultures too. Understandably, if you were somewhere around the dwarven culture you would be accepted a little better (perhaps) because of the relation between Kachuk and Alerar. If you are around a good majority of people who are no used to seeing drow, which there is no truly established drow towns on Scara Brae, then it is understandable to have their concerns.

Perhaps it was just the tavern that does not allow drows to enter, or does not like them? That could very well be it. I mean, there is definitely racial prejudice in many forms across Althanas, take the elven and dwarven culture. Or elven and ork cultures. They do not get along and always seem to be clashing whenever they meet.

I’m not trying to tell you: “this is how the island works!” But I want to help you help the reader understand why the people may feel the way they do, and why they are reacting the way they do. It does not have to be like what I described, but it is always a good idea to invest a little time and think about the culture and reason behind the actions of the town and tavern that you go into.

Remember too, that you do not need to only post the setting of the story at the very beginning of the thread. It is best to describe where you are going, especially when you chance scenery. In the thread you only described the inside of the tavern and the outside of it in the first two posts. Don’t just stop there… immerse the reader in the story, let them feel, taste, and hear what the surroundings are like from your character’s perspective.

[Strategy] 4
Not all too impressive, as a whole. You attacked, but did not describe well how you attacked. The way you attacked was through the magic of the bracers, but why do they control your attacks? How does it feel to have them control you? Stuff like that would help.

[Dialogue] 5
Your strong suit. The dialogue was well done. I enjoyed the way you portrayed the citizens and their dislike, as well as the bartender’s accent. However, your character’s dialogue seemed somewhat forced, as if you felt you had to put something in at certain points. Sometimes thoughts or better yet, body language goes a long way.

[Character] 5
Why does Eltarri do what she does? You did well to explain why she cried and why she was hurt by the human’s reactions. You also did well to describe the weight of the quest that was acting as her burden… but why was it a burden? Was it some past problem? Was it something that was following her? You range in emotions well, display them well too, but why is she “vehement” about “not [failing]” her mother?

[Rising Action] 4
It was sudden with the initial attack and fight with the ‘zombie’ and her reactions. Also, I unfortunately was stuck on who was Jaicom? He was not explained, and suddenly someone or something had a name. I was trying to read back and understand who it was, and also where it had come from. But it was not until you cut off a hand that I got the name and who it was associated with connected.

[Climax] 4
The climax was not as exciting as it could have been. The entire time I was questioning how you acted in “self-defense” to attack the beast? If silver is the only way to kill it, then how did the citizens banish it all the other times? Did they sacrifice people to it? Or did they simply run around like chickens with their head cut off until they confused it into retreat?

[Conclusion] 4
I loved how the villagers still thought she was the problem… it was well played and the not-so-happy ending was well done. I suggest giving an age to the kid, possibly some facial expressions, or maybe a thought or two. You don’t have to write what the boy thought, if you don’t want to. But you could add something like “He looked thoughtfully at the sword before taking it” type of thing. And whatever happened to thinking about the wizard or having to find one at the end. You did not portray the character as exhausted, or anything… lol. I hope to see more from you.

[Writing Style] 3
Separate sentences here, stop some run-on sentences there, make the writing a little less brief and add a little detail. Straightforward hack and slash is ok, but you also need to add some detail as to what’s happening too. I suggest reading over some threads by other members, especially fighting threads if you are interested in fighting a lot. Look at what they did, how they write, the way their sentences are arranged, and what the judges had to say about them. It will probably help in the long run.

[Wild Card] 6
I like the character idea, liked what you were doing with the underlining theme’s and tones, but would like to see it portrayed better. I give you a higher score here because a female half human half drow that wield a sword that big is hott… ;)


[Favorite Quote]
“The sun blazed down onto the dusty street, but its fierce light was not what brought tears to the eyes of Eltarri.”

Rewards!
300 Experience
50 Gold

[Zieg dil' Tulfried]

EXP and GP added.