Round One, Bracket B: Sexy Slayer + 1 vs. Catholic Mafia

[Christoph]

Congratulations for making it into the Tournament of Champions. Both teams receive two Fate Points for making it this far! Posting can begin at 12 AM EST on the 14th and the battle closes at 11:59 PM EST on February 4th. Good luck to both teams!

Arenas were arranged at random, and your prompt is as follows:

Your battle finds you trekking across the sun-baked dunes and rocks of a harsh desert. If you need water or directions, you could try asking a cactus.

[Father Snew]

"Lord God, is this what you put your faithful servant Moses through when he wandered the desert for forty years?" The words filtered tiredly from the lips of Valentine Snew as he barely managed to pick one foot up after the other. It wasn't that he was thirsty, no; he had no need for such nourishment anymore, at least, as far as he knew. He never got hungry.

It was that the sun made him so tired.

He crested the dune of sand as he looked down upon the sands, their bright yellow clashing deeply with the occasional red of the rather windswept rocks. It looked almost exactly like the last dune they had crested. The only difference being a rocky outcropping that served as a bit of shade in the suffering heat of the Desert. Snew didn't even know why he had come into the lands of Fallien, trying to convert the nomadic tribes, perhaps it was their similarities to the twelve tribes of Judah.

He stopped at the top of the hill as he frowned, could he even name one tribe of Judah?

He wasn't sure it mattered. Still, as he turned in his pitch black clothes, his sleeves rolled up to cool him i the desert he spied Duke wearily walk to the edge of the dune, before a misstep sent him tumbling down the dunes to the bottom. Snew turned to the Moogle's compatriot Tim the Yan, a rather yellow colored sheep, and said wearily, "We should take your friend to the rocky outcropping. Perhaps there I can perform God's work!"

"Hallelujah! Praise Jebus!" The little sheep said as he bound forward and in a leap began his own slide to the bottom. The two tumbled down the dune as Snew staggered his steps to avoid a similar fate, even as he heard Duke cursing up a storm with every hit against the sands that saw Tim atop him.

"He's almost as bad as the teddy bear..." Snew responded as he moved down to the steps.

"Hey! I heard that asshole! Forgeddabout me trying to keep a clean mouth this time. I'm gonna teach these yutes to gamble and drink. Think you can insult me by comparing me to that teddy bear with wings willya!" The heavily accented bear screamed as it jumped and gripped the leg of Valentine, even as the priest continued its downward descent, A sigh escaped the priests lips before he looked up to the skies.

"Father forgive him, he knows not what he does..." Ignoring more blathering from the bear he finally reach the bottom before he carefully picked up the Moogle and moved him to the shade. He then sighed as he looked up at the rock and said, "Well, it worked for Moses, if I truly am a prophet from god, let Water spring forth from these stones, and give drink to his faithful!"

[Kylin Rouge]

All bunnying between Slayer and myself is approved by us.

If there was a list of bad decisions Kylin has made in his life, partnering up with Dan had to be near the top. After his little tussle with him, Kylin kept his distance and submitted to whatever it was the lunatic wanted. So, he let him register the team. He said they were going to be 'Teeth In The Dark', which made them sound like a couple of dogs but it could of been worse. He was pacing around in the waiting area- a fancy white marble lobby with benches, a dome-shaped ceiling, and some people walking around.

The biggest problem was that they had just barely gotten their wounds healed from their fight together when the first round pairings were announced. In short, Kylin didn't get any sort of look at his competition. Although, the very thought of it was annoying. He didn't even want to fight. However, he had no choice. They were keeping his village hostage, and he believed that they would keep their word in leaving his home unharmed if he fought. That was all there was to it.

"Would Sexy Slayer plus one please report to the third hallway," announced an echoing voice from the sky.

Dan slowly started taking off, leaving his teammate staring uncomfortably in his direction. Where was he going? To the bathroom? Kylin glanced at the ground with a concentrated look on his face. Slayer. Where had he heard that word before? Wait. Wasn't 'The Slayer' Dan's alleged nickname? Back in their little fight outside, he did say something to that effect.

A chill ran down Kylin's spine. Something told him that Dan may have changed his mind during registration. Kylin bolted in Dan's direction, running down a marble hallway that looked like it had a blinding white light at the end of it. As he got closer to it, the light became brighter and brighter until it consumed him. He stopped, closing his eyes for a few moments as the light receded. The next thing he knew, he was in the middle of a vast desert. All around him was sand, even behind him. He must've stepped through one of those rifts again. Some distance in front of him, he saw Dan walking forward. Kylin shielded his eyes from the blazing sun, squinting to try to see him. It was hot, bright, and the occasional breeze slowly relocated all the sand, hiding his footprints. He wasn't well-equipped for extreme heat conditions; the temperature only added to his irritability.

He caught up to Dan and stepped in front of him.

Somewhat concerned that Dan may have believed that this was all a game to him, he adamantly asked, "Hey, what's with the team name? You know, if you want to go around changing it, you should at least tell me so I don't get left behind... if you don't mind." His initial anger was somewhat defused by the timid comment at the end. Just looking at Dan almost made Kylin lose his train of thought.

[Kupo!]

All Bunnying between Team Catholic Mafia has been approved by both parties. Gentlemen of team sexy, It shall be an Honor to fight you!

Deep in the desert Dunes of Fallien was Duke desperately wondering why his dismal luck would lead him down this dark path. He was in the desert and his fur had sand all over the place and it irritated the Dom greatly. The worst part was the sand would bond to his skin as he sweated and he couldn't get to grips with it. Ankle Biter, his faithful friend had hid inside his sack all day as the little green guy jumped all over the desert, diving into the sands as if at home. All that could be seen from his tiny green buddy was the crest of his head as he muffled his words beneath the dunes.

Duke shook his head in wonder as he slapped himself in the face. Why was he here? Why was he walking if he had wings? Why did he follow the incredibly annoying priest Father Snew everywhere he went? These questions all formed up in his mind and he grew irritated with everything to the point he slapped himself in the head again. This temporary lose of vision had blinded Duke to the one pocket of dirt that the little green guy made as he swam in the sand. Duke's foot got stuck, he lost his balance, and fell down the hill at amazing speeds. If he was upset about sand being in his fur before it was safe to say he was absolutely P[KUPO!]ed about it.

"GOD F[KUPO!]ING D[KUPO!]M IT!" Duke shouted at the top of his tiny lungs. His mouth shouted all other forms of obscenity as he bounced and rolled and even occasionally flew a few feet down the dangerous depths of the dune. It would have been a small matter of hindsight for Duke to realize if he just opened his wings, even a bit, he would glide down the dune instead of free fall, but than again hindsight is a b[KUPO!]h isn't it?

As the ball of fluff reached the bottom of the joy ride he felt his body, his mind, and most importantly his pride all shot in the foot. He rested for a bit as he heard the undeniable annoying charm of Tim the Yan come at him. With a few hesitant steps followed Snew, who scooped up the Moogle and took him near a clearing of rocks and began muttering more nonsense about the great Mage Lord, Jebus. Whoever this Jebus was certainly got Snew worked up as he took a stick and bashed it as hard as he could against the rocky wall and Duke looked up.

It was a miracle from Jebus Duke discovered, because Duke had forgotten how thirsty he really was. Down from the heavens were tiny drops of liquid life, and Duke let it splash over his face as he felt the cool gentle... warmth? Water wasn't supposed to be warm as far as Duke knew, and as his tongue licked around his lips he could taste the clear undeniable taste of something...salty and tangy... in the clean...water...

"Kupo..." Duke whispered taking a quivering paw and touching it to his face. His squinty eyes peered at the paw and his peachy fur had a darker hue to it. He sniffed the paw and retracted in disgust. With hesitation Duke looked at his paw and then back to Snew. Snew seemed mortified by what had transpired and as Duke looked up to the top of the rock he could see Tim sitting with his back to Duke, his tongue held aloft at the side of his mouth. "No..." Duke half whispered full of terror and remorse. "No, IT'S NOT TRUE!"

Tim turned around, confused in his state of mind and looked down upon Duke and Snew. "What, Kipo? Snew said make the works of Jebus happen, and here I am, letting the works of his mighty name flow through me!" Tim said as if what he did was a by-product of a very natural thing. "I am just doing the works of Jebus, Kipo!"

Duke felt his mighty moogle fury rise to new heights as he turned his glare onto Snew. "I...Am...Going to Kick...YOUR....[KUPO-PO!]!" Duke said through seething teeth.

[Slayer of the Rot]

"This one has more of a...sweet, yet tangy flavor to it. Very good with pork, or beef."Dan Lagh'ratham nodded slowly, paying only half an attention to the vendor with his cart parked next to him. Despite the benches placed about the waiting room for the contestant's convenience, the slayer was hunkered down on the floor, his large, scarred hands between his thighs, struggling to keep flakes of tobacco in the middle of a creased rolling paper. Typically, this was an easy task; he'd done it before, hundreds of times, but the smell of roasting meat filling his nostrils was making his hands clumsy. The vendor waved another glass bottle of sauce in his face, and the smell coming off of his greasy fingers made Dan Lagh'ratham all kinds of anxious.

The vendor must have sensed it, because he pulled his hand back pretty fast, and began to sift through his cart again, careful not to touch the grill installed in it. "Ah...this one has a nice, rich smokey flavor, with an underlying sweetness of honey...it's good on practically anything." Dan paused for a moment, looking up at something - if the vendor had looked, he could have followed the bulky man's line of sight to a nervous looking elf.

"Anything, huh?" His fingers worked fast to get the cigarette rolled, and he flicked his tongue over the free edge to seal it. As Kylin sat off to the side, his hands in his lap, the vendor had rolled down through the waiting room, and stopped at Dan Lagh'ratham. He'd taken the much larger man's silence as an opportunity, and had told his story; he'd arrived in the same style as Dan, a trap portal, while making a dismal career in northern Salvar trying to sell candied apples to the barbarian tribes. Not much of a fighter, the vendor man had decided he could at least make some coinage, and had switched to barbecue. With a grunt, Dan rose to his feet and picked one of the metal skewers off the grill, heavy with dark brown beef. Hot fat dribbled off it and sizzled along the torn glove he wore.

"Would Sexy Slayer plus one, please report to the third hallway..." The disembodied voice, smooth and calm in its tone, echoed through the waiting room, and Dan bit off one of the hunks of meat.

"How much? This and that last bottle you were trying to sell me?" The vendor gulped, looking up at the man who towered over him. The slayer chewed loudly, without a care for manners.

"Fuh-for the huh-whole skewer, too? I, um...twenty crowns?" Dan shrugged, and slapped down several gold coins from his pocket on the cart. The remaining skewers shook a bit, and the bottle of barbecue sauce was timidly put into his hands. Scowling at it, the slayer turned and began to walk towards the third hall way, trying to figure out how to get a match to his cigarette. He didn't look back, or motion to Kylin - the kid would come. There was no question about it. Grease dribbled on the slayer's gray jacket, already soiled with a large, dark stain, and he grumbled to himself as he plodded along.

A second later, there he was; his red hair bobbing along under Dan's eyesight. He ignored his near useless partner for the time as he walked down the third hallway, unflinching even as the light grew in intensity, until it stung at his eyes to keep them open. When he finally blinked, the heavy, unmistakable, tyrannical heat of a desert pressed down on his back. Sweat immediately sprung out across his forehead and back, and he struggled to rip open the front of his wool jacket. Buttons popped off and spun off, lost to the sands. The slayer finally stopped, as an errant wind swirled tawny sand around his ankles. Squinting into the bright, white sunlight, he scowled, and sniffed at the air. "Huh. Looks like Fallien. Smells like it, too." He looked back at Kylin, then at the glass bottle in his hand.

"Hold my sauce, kid," he got out past the cigarette clamped between, his lips, and tossed the bottle towards Kylin. "Eh, I got it in my head from some whore I screwed in the bathroom on the way to registration." His now free hand scratched at his crotch, then took a book of matches from his pocket. "And I do mind, frail. You're here for one reason; to make me look good. Also, this a Thaynes damned doubles tournament, and I don't think they would have let me in with a fuckin' corpse." He cocked his head to the side, took his burning cigarette from his mouth, and bit another hunk of meat off the skewer.

"Well, probably not, but I didn't think of it at the time. I could'a jammed my hand into the neck, worked the mouth like a puppet." Dan flapped the cigarette-hand like a mouth, and Kylin grimaced. "Forget about it. Let's get going." The little wind came back, rose up as he began to climb the closest dune, and slapped him in the face. Cursing the slayer spat, but moved on regardless, his pace not slowing in the slightest.

"When we find whatever assholes are out here with us, just keep out of my way or I'll hit you with an axe," Dan growled, and perhaps if Kylin had known him better, he would have seen it as one of the tamer threats to come out of the slayer's mind.

"Who do you think it is? Did you look at any of the brackets? Maybe we should have a plan," the kid called out, rushing up the sand to follow his team mate, the bottle still in hand. A brief laugh burst out of the bestial man's lungs, and he paused to look back at his team mate.

"Plan? Do I really look like a man with a plan?"

[Father Snew]

Valentine looked down upon the furry teddy bear as he yelled at the priest claiming he was going to harm the priest. He was almost more than certain that the current words flying out of his mouth were at the fact that Tim had for some reason gotten it into his head, that he should pee from high atop the rock onto his partner in crime, how this worked, Valentine wasn’t sure, but he was now certain that he would have to be careful in how he phrased his words around the yellow sheep like creature from then on.

Kneeling beside the small moogle Snew took in a deep breathe before he took off his shirt and began slowly drying off the bear, “I apologize for Tim’s behavior, somehow he got it in him that he should pee upon us to help us out here in the desert.” His white shirt was definitely cooler than the black one he had been wearing only shortly ago. As he looked upon the moogle he continued to towel off the small creature.

Looking up upon the small creature he shook his head before he heard the small teddy bear that he carried about speak, “How's da yute?”

“The youth, is doing well. No thanks to you. Thankfully he is uninjured. Now, could you please go herd in the smaller dolls that belong to our companion here. We can rest in the shade for a bit before moving on. Perhaps we’ll find one of the nomadic tribes of this barbaric wasteland soon. Then Duke can be fed and get some water into him,” Snew said sternly.

“And just why should I listen ta ya, wise guy?” The bear replied gruffly.

“Because my diminutive friend, I am going to bury you into the sand if you do not. I shall leave you here, so you may not harm anyone else with your crass commentary. Atop this, I might finally have some peace and quiet, that I so crave.”

The bear looked at the priest for a bit before he seemed to huff, as well as any stuffed toy could at least, and moved out to the dunes beginning to bring the various dolls about. Snew meanwhile continued unfazed in the task of trying to dry and rub the urine out of Duke’s fur. His eyes scanned around the small basin they had found themselves in, with this large rock offering the only shelter as the sweltering heat of the sun poured down upon them.

His ears could not even pick up the faint wisps of the wind, and the danger they would ask him to take heed of.

[Kylin Rouge]

So there he was, with sauce in hand and a desperate look on his face. Dan wasn't taking this seriously at all. Was he that sure of his victory? Maybe he just didn't care. Kylin never understood the nature of wanting to cause mayhem and destruction. To take lives as easily as one would take sand from a desert. Utter and complete disregard for everyone but himself. What could cause someone to be like that? In the end, right now it didn't matter. His only option was to deal with it somehow.

It was also apparent that The Slayer had threatened to decapitate Kylin if he got in his way. Since partnering up was merely a convenience to Dan, Kylin had taken that to mean that he wanted to take on both opponents by himself. Kylin was almost tempted to just leave him to his own devices, but he was required to try to win. However, a thought crossed his mind. Wouldn't getting involved and causing Dan to attack him be detrimental to his winning chances? If so, would being an observer actually be the right thing to do? Worse yet... what if Slayer lost? No, he couldn't stand back if that happened. He would have to step in and help somehow. He decided he would stay back unless something went wrong.

The desire to be elsewhere was strong for Kylin today. He didn't like to be in situations out of his control. It was like he was being used; In fact, he was being used. Fighting for someone else's pleasure, he grit his teeth in agitation. He was determined. He would try to get out of this without giving them what they wanted. However, right now he couldn't think of any ideas. All he could do was follow their insidious designs for him.

Walking somewhat behind Dan, Kylin gripped the bottle in his hand. Why was he carrying this thing, anyway? Was he some sort of busboy? Dan just continually irritated him, but most of the anger was subsided by his sheer fear of him. This was nothing, he could endure it. Who knows, maybe partnering up with Dan will keep him from fighting entirely? The sand blew across the dunes, and Kylin's eyes squinted as his left hand shielded his face. He could feel a drop of sweat rolling down his forehead, stopping at the base of his nose. It was hot. Kylin was trained to endure cold conditions, but never those of extreme heat. He blinked a couple times as he got to the top of a dune, with Dan grinning like a maniac nearby. He only wondered for a moment why The Slayer was so happy; his opponents were here.

There were two of them on the dune across theirs. There was a rather normal-looking man, some sort of small creature resembling both a rat and bear with wings, and... a teddy bear. Kylin had to rub his eyes to make sure he wasn't seeing a mirage. Those were his opponents? No, there had to be more to this! If there were in this tournament, they had to be strong. While Kylin was not deceived by their appearances, he wasn't so sure about his partner. Then again, he was willing to give The Slayer the benefit of the doubt. Kylin's expression changed to a serious one. Crossing his arms, he took a step back, as if to let Dan know that he was staying out of this one. At least, until he needed to step in. He was going to watch his opponents carefully.

His muscles tensed up, and he felt a growing anticipation. This was it. The battle had begun.

[Kupo!]

Duke was pissed to high heavens about this whole situation. He was pissed on, and now very, very pissed off. That not withstanding, the Moogle kept his demeanor and pride intact as Snew began to wipe off the liquid waste from his features. Snew had a delicate touch, and as he argued with the teddy bear he didn't seem to notice that he was touching the Moogle in very sensitive places.

"Keep it above the waist, Kupo." Duke muttered closing his eyes. His head was throbbing in pain as his mind tried to calculate the gravity of the situation. First off he still couldn't get it out of his head about the people who called Duke and the Priest the Catholic Mafia. What was a catholic anyway? He was fairly certain from the short time he spent with the good father that a catholic was an annoying, contradictory, mind speaking individual.

But he let his mind wander a bit more before he realized Snew and the bear were still talking. Worst off Snew had yet to realize that the Moogle was growing very excited by his touch. Something he didn't want, no not at all. The last person to touch his Pom-Pom was a nice young lady who wanted to...sleep...with...

"GREAT CHOCOBOES, KUPO! I'M NOT INTO THAT SORTA THING!" Duke jumped out of Snew's tender grip and pointed towards him with an accusing look on his face. "Tell Jebus that he can love the little children all he wants, but leave us Moogles out of it, Kupo!" Tim, his tiny yellow sheep like friend walked forward next to Snew solemnly.

"The work of Jebus is divine, and flow through Snew, Kipo! You should embrace the love that Jebus has to offer." Tim said sticking his tongue out lazily to the side, sitting on his haunches.

"So if Jebus wants to touch my Pom-Pom?" Duke asked.

"Than let Jebus touch your Pom-Pom, Kipo." Tim said definitively. The wind picked up pace as the sand began to blow outwards towards the east. Dust balls hit duke in his fur and the Moogle was getting irritated by the sand. Duke wanted to be done with this place, and fast. Whatever that meant was fine with him.

Grabbing his satchel full of dolls he turned to the next dune to rise, but his jaw dropped as he looked upwards. The sand wasn't helping his vision much, but even his squnity eyes could make the sight of two humans, one tall and war like, the other mage and pansy like. The warrior seemed to have a deep look of annoyance on his features, his black hair a dead stand out in the sandy peach color terrain. The other had dark crimson hair, and looked well kept.

Duke recalled seeing a sight once before with Andy Rorton and the legend killer's lover the cowboy guy from the mountain of broken backs. Or something like that. The way the warrior and mage stood was clear these two were intimate with each other.

Just what I need, kupo. Duke thought dismally. A bunch of weirdos.

[Christoph]

Thank you for participating! Tristam will judge this battle shortly. Please do not contact your judge regarding the judgment until after it has been posted.

[Taskmienster]

HEY! I’m stealing this one, due to the fact that the guest judges are MIA. Since this did not meet the full requirements for a thread, I’m going to just put both teams in the same judgment and separate them, see below for how it will look.

Father Snew | Kupo! [out of possible]
((Commentary))

Storytelling 2.5 | 2 [/5]
((Jebus and the divine were annoying, but then again it’s just me that would probably think that since I don’t like the Bible, lol. Other than that not bad.))
Setting 5 | 5 [/10]
Pacing 4.5 | 4.5 [/15]

Dialogue 6 | 5.5 [/10]
((Kupo is said soooo many times… some of it was funny though, like the ‘loving little children’ thing))
Action 4.5 | 4.5 [/15]
Persona 5 | 5 [/10]

Mechanics 8 | 8 [/10]
Technique 6 | 5 [/10]
Clarity 8.5 | 8 [/10]
Wild Card 2 | 2 [/5]

Total 52 | 53 [/100]
Average 52.5/100


Kylin Rouge | Slayer of the Rot

Storytelling 2.5 | 2 [/5]
Setting 4.5 | 5.5 [/10]
Pacing 4 | 3 [/15]

Dialogue 5 | 7 [/10]
((The whole hand in corpse head thing made me laugh sooo much))
Action 4.5 | 4 [/15]
Persona 4.5 | 6.5 [/10]

Mechanics 8 | 8 [/10]
Technique 7 | 7.5 [/10]
Clarity 8 | 7.5 [/10]
Wild Card 1 | 1 [/5]
((Due to dropping))

Total 49 | 49.5 [/100]
Average 49.25/100

Winner: Catholic Mafia!
Rewards: 2 fate points