A Grave Problem (solo quest)

[silicson]

Title: A Grave Problem
Description: The cemeteries on the outskirts of Scara Brae City and further into the countryside are being defiled in the middle of the night by shady figures, graves dug up and corpses stolen. The superstitious townsfolk have been making a fuss, claiming that black magic is afoot. The constable, however, just wants to restore peace, and is willing to pay anyone who can find out what’s been going on and put a stop to it.
Conditions: Quest Only – 1 to 6 players.
Rewards: 300 GP for investigating and capturing the grave robbers, plus 400 more for apprehending the one behind it.
Unlockable: Boss Battle

[silicson]

The feeling of being alive again since so many years was quite overwhelming for the fragile saint. After shortly arriving on Scara Brae, Catillin stood a little in meditation, thinking of his priorities. He was rejoiced to acknowledge the fact that her Goddess Eva, the Lady of the Lake, has saw the light in him, thus making him an Elf of Light.
He started calling her in his prayers, but, still weak, and having little to none experience about the world of Althanas, couldn't gather enough power to reach her.
Catillin thought to himself "I must learn a little more about this world and I must rest enough to call Goddess Eva."

Catillin had started a conversation with the constable, asking the saint about his whereabouts. Catillin presented himself "I am Saint Catillin Silicson.I come from a different reality, a different world." The constable, being intrigued, said to him "Always nice to see a holy figure around these parts. May I ask the reason you came here?"

Catillin, eagerly to talk about his divine mission to an inhabitant of this world, smiled. The Saint is always a happy person, and not seeing him happy and smiling, would be an exception. Not even in battle, does he seize to have his face shinned by a well-rounded smile.

"My mission here is a very complex one, but in the essence I bring enlightment and progress, and the much needed spiritual help, for this world. Those worthy, will even get Ascension, the access to the unlimited knowledge of the universe. There are blessings for everybody who would like to fallow the teachings of Ascension, revealed by Goddess Eva. But the time for that is not near, yet. Until then I must get acquainted with this world and to the dark manifestations that reside here."

The constable, hearing about this was amazed, but being a man of action, he remembered something. "Speaking of dark thingies , I had been recently told that the cemeteries around Scara Brae, is having a little problem, it's buried corpses are being dug up and stolen, by an unknown gang." The constable underlying, seeing that he got the saint's attention. "Moreover, some say that is black magic, or something like that, but I think there just a bunch of sleazy grave robbers." Catillin hearing something to do with black magic raised his attention. "Do you think you can handle this? Because I'm afraid that the rumors could be true, and that there is something to do with black magic." Catillin, thinking he could do a little thing like this, accepted the constable's mission and promised to bring peace.

[silicson]

The constable first told him where he can find the cemeteries, and gave him a small map of Scara Brae. He leaved his eyes on the full image of the saint in front of him, and realized how simple and naive he seemed to him. “I see that you only posses yourself, and nothing more. Oh, I see you have your little pouch of gold at your belt. But you don’t have a bag or something like that…” “Well that is, because I haven’t wandered around town much. I don’t even know where the inn is. He he.” Explained the saint. “Well, the list I’m going to give you now, with the people that reported the incidents, the first person is a nifty bag-maker, but also an elf from Raiaera, and I guess you two , will have much to talk about. Well, until you will come back with some results, you can see me, again. See, I’m a busy person, and I have a lot to attend to, but right now, I’m hoping you would do just fine. And I’m sure of that. “ “Very well then.”

Catillin leaved the constable’s office. It wasn’t a pretty building, more much like a shack, but it was sturdy and well-build. The air outside was calm, but the winds started soon to get agitated, and he knew that it’s about to rain. The sky was turning grayer as the big clouds full of water, began emerging over.

He paced at Eruien’s house, the first person on the list. His house was nearby, but with the people trying to take shelter from the rain, was proven a little difficult for him, still he managed to get at the house. Eruien was just in front of the house, sitting under the roof, on a small bench, most likely listening and watching the rain.

Catillin went straight to him, and Eruien got up from the bench, and said “Please, come in you must be the one who’s running the investigation about the grave robbery. The constable told me, he would send someone as soon as possible, but I never imagined it would be a wet bag-less elf with human clothes.” They both laugh about this obvious description, which any stranger would say if he would saw the saint like this. “I presume you already know my name, but I like to say it anyway. My name is Eruien Relendrell, and I come from Raiaera.” Eruien stated, and the invited Catillin to sit at his table. “Please to meet you. I’m finally glad to meet an elf of light, or high elves, like you’re called here. I’m Saint Catillin Silicson.”

[silicson]

Eruien realized that he is the one, he was having dreams about. It all became clearer. For the past month, he had several dreams telling him that “the saint is coming, the saint is coming, the saint is coming”, and he waited. “You have no idea how much I’ve waited this day. I’m glad you finally came. I was wondering who the saint might be. I never thought it would be you. Well, you wore a human, but now I see Goddess Eva has blessed you, and transformed you into one of us. “ “She’s not here, yet.” Catillin cutting the amazed and hopeful face of Eruien . “But she will come soon, right?” “She will be in the Spiritual realm of this world soon. The question I have is how you got here, in the first place?” Eruien looked differently than Catillin knew him in the world of Elmoreden, and so was Catillin to Eruien. “The goddess told me, she wanted to prepare your coming.” “Apparently the balance in Althanas itself is more difficult than me or the goddess predicted, and you know how good she is at that!...I’ve lost most of my inherited abilities here. I’m guessing I have to understand the essence of this world. I heard you had been in Raiaera? How are the elves there?” “Well, they reside their power in music, the music of creation, they are mostly some alike the light elves in Elmoreden. I had a nice time with them. I had to run here, when they we’re invaded by that awful necromancer.” “This last five years must have been difficult for you.”

Eruien took a pause, as the saint looked concerned at him; they both stood a little and meditate and the hardships they had so far. “This is just the beginning, but soon our goddess will be with us. May she give us her eternal blessings and…” ”…may the tranquility of the lake pour into our hearts.”

Catillin started talking about the little quest the constable of Scara Brae gave him. “Yes, apparently there are some grave robbers lurking about. I saw some figures in the dark, one night when I returned from the shore, and went back to the city. I passed nearby a cemetery, and I scented something to do with necromancy when I saw those villains carrying corpses. I tried to fallow them but it was a moonless sky, and I lost them.” Eruien told him he was nearby the cemetery from the north of Scara Brae. “But before you live you must be hungry. I bet you haven’t ate anything since you camed.”

Catillin and Eruien sat at the table and ate some lovely apple and quince pie and drank some good nectar. It reminded Catillin of the pie’s Eruien used to bake. Besides being an excellent cook, Eruien was a famous bard and an Elder, and many other little things. He had followed close the life of Catillin. They we’re good friends and Eruien was happy when Catillin shared the knowledge received from Goddess Eva, a knowledge that a common Elder would not reach. Eruien always considered himself privileged by this.

After the finished eating and sharing their thoughts, Eruien said to Catillin: “I want to give you, your old bag back. I managed to save it…” The bag was not a special one to an Elmoreden inhabitant; you could carry only a limited quantity, depending on one’s constitution, and when you needed an item you just thought of it, and it would appear in your hands. This was most useful especially for weapons and armor, or other little important things. And it was small, not affecting the wearer’s movement or actions, except when it was too heavy. Catillin placed the gold he had at him in the bag.

“Eruien, I’ll be seeing you soon.” Then he left out of the house towards the north exit of Scara Brae.

[silicson]

This little lovable person thought he could get a nice, easy-going, heat-up task that would be resolved in a timely fashion manner. Little he knew that the roots were much deeper then he could comprehend. After more than a week, during his excavations of the mysteries that didn’t let their depts, to be unearthed easily by this industrious little fellow. Let’s go back to when he decided to leave towards the cemetery.

The Saint walked in a slow pace on the road. This was not very circulated and it was only a thin brownie line among the pure green that surround it. The silence was peaceful, knowing that usually when one goes on this road, either he is in the coffin, or he follows it; in one’s heart is even lesser silence. Catillin thought about this and a moment of sadness surrounded him. He remembered the time he was with his clan members and followers, when all those around him where more secure about tomorrow knowing that the Saint was there to help them in their hour of need, bringing a sense of hope and peace to their hard life in that chaotic world.

As he got closer to the cemetery, a feeling that he didn’t felt for quite some time now, unveiled him. He sensed darkness. An icy, sharp, disturbing feeling, which made Catillin to raise his alert for seekers of dark it was. Although, usually messing up with corpses means that person seeks darkness, which is not always the case. One may use darkness against darkness. Saint Catillin remembers working with a fellow from although he knew everything there was to know about darkness in that world, Catillin was consulting him in his research in the nature of the soul. With his help, Catillin became a noble, upon acquiring the Destiny Mark. He knew that his efforts in becoming an acknowledged possessor of a hero’s soul were approved. Since Goddess Eva, she visited the above mentioned necromancer. Although, strange, he was the most capable mage in that world to help such people, like Catillin, to transform his soul. He even found a method to prepare one’s soul in transformations, a discovery that was approved by the Saint, and all other adventurers benefited from it. “It’s not the type or source of magic or force you use. Is how you use it.” It’s what the necromancer always said. That was true.
Catillin was shocked when he learnt that angels of light contributed to kidnapping Goddess Eva, when she was in her material form. Goddess Eva, always looked after the balance between Good and Evil, and for the future. The changes she was doing were not always approved by the gods and by the elders, although her decisions were excellent in the long run. Little, saw that, as Eva did.

When he reached the cemetery he entered the main archway. He looked around to look if a guard or a worker was nearby. Seeing there was none in his range, he headed for the chapel in the center of the cemetery. “Why are the best landscapes around cemeteries?” Catillin thought while walking.

[silicson]

While he walked towards the chapel, he had that strange feeling everyone has when walking thru a cemetery. The chill and icy-wind that encircles your heart while footsteps echo to the depths of your mind. You always think someone is following, or watching you. But it was silent. The sky was sunny, and it was warm outside. The wind was blowing softly thru Catillin’s hair.
When he was in front of the chapel, Catillin watched at its strange, but somehow familiar, architecture. The door was a big, solid one and it was double of Catillin’s height. He pushed the door open and entered the chapel. Inside there was some lighting coming from the candles, which were placed round the walls. The chapel was big enough for twenty people. It had two rows of seats, and the entrance was facing the altar and the table, were coffins are usually placed. It was still warm inside, so people had been an hour ago at most inside. Catillin went to the priest’s room, hoping he was there, and not at the burial ceremony.

He found him just packing his belongings. Catillin knocked at the door.
The priest turned and said “Hello. May I help you?”

“Yes, I hope you could. I was assigned by the constable to resolve some problems that recently happened in this cemetery.”

“Ou, yes, the constable said he will send someone to resolve the matter. I told him that it was something unholy behind going in the cemetery at nights. And the fact that bodies were snatched confirmed my suspicions. I hope you’re qualified to handle things related with these matters. But where are my manners? Please, come, sit.” Catillin sat on a char being face-to-face with the priest.

“My name is Primo. I’m the priest of the northern cemetery’s church.” continued the priest.

“I’m Saint Catillin Silicson. Please to meat you, Primo.”

[silicson]

The priest looked terribly frightened as something of unexplained monstrosity, had just appeared spontaneously in front of him. The Saint looked worried and confused at him.

“What’s wrong? You look as you’ve seen a ghost.” Asked Catillin.

“I’ve seen. It’s just in front of me.”

“Do you know me? Frankly, I have no idea who you are.”

“That doesn’t help me. You…you can’t be…”

“Who? Who I can’t be?”

“You can’t be Saint Catillin Silicson.” Said the priest, while tears flooding his face.

“Why not?”

“ Because the Saint Catillin I know, is dead, killed by my foolish and stubborn acts in another world, where he’s aid was ignored, himself betrayed by the cause he believed in, and accepted, with joy , by a faction he fought against. He was not an ordinary person; he could see light in darkness, where others could not. He fought darkness with darkness, but he didn’t complete his mission , because I was blind, and …removed him…”

“You are the Lord of The Dawners Cabal…ha…I know I recognized that ironed conscience voice…Your lost of belief in me disgraces me even in this day…But look where it got you all that arrogance and all-knowingness …in a more chaotic world than the one you we’re fighting for peace…and you called me a servant of those filthy Duskers , a traitor of light…believed or not the balance between good and evil has been lightened, because our departure ”

“I…I was… just doing what I thought it was right…please forgive me…I can’t bear myself even today…”

“I prayed to Eva for your forgiveness in the moment I died and that you will see the light…”

“That…is…all I need to know…Farewell…” A circle started to move slowly and then faster and faster around him.

“Where are you going…face me!...How much time you think you will run from me?”

Father Primo disappeared silently in a whirl of wind; Catillin knew it will not be the last time he meet Primo in this world. He will hide from the face of Catillin, not bearing to look him in the eyes, after what he had done, back in the world of Elmoreden.
Something quickly drew the Saint’s attention: a small, black, old-looking booklet remained where Primo vanished. Catillin took it and opened it and saw it was some sort of a diary. One marked page begun like this: “In the late evenings, I heard some strange noise coming from the cemetery…”

[silicson]

The Saint was finally getting somewhere. He just realized that he might got in to this just like he usually gets in things he can’t actually an elf can’t handle, nor a human being. Always that ready-to-help-just-about-anybody spirit popped up before his rational thoughts could even start sparking. He practically went to this job head-first and blind-folded. But, then Catillin thought that this might just be some corpse-jewelry snatchers, but he erased that thought immediately, because the corpses were stolen whole.

The notes that Catillin had found in Primo’s diary showed that indeed a necromancer had hired some low-lifers to steal corpses from the cemetery, so that he can perform magical experiments on them, probably. Probably, because that were only the hunches that Primo had gone to, but Catillin didn’t have to worry about that, because Primo could recognize the traces of necromancy as good as the Saint.

Father Primo was nothing else, but a Cardinal, the Lord of the Dawners Cabal. This Cabal is known to have connections with the sister of Eva, a fighter of the light in the Interdimension, Anakiel. Catillin moved from this faction to the Duskers Cabal, and very quick he becomes their Lord. He did this “betrayal” because the Duskers had connections with Lili, the daughter of Darkness. Catillin almost succeeded in manipulating Lili to join the Light, and he transformed her into full-fleshed light-elf, but the Saint didn’t have time to reduce the stains of darkness from her mind and soul, being killed, so Lili only stayed inactive on the Island of Humans in Elmoreden.

The notes were good and Catillin found out at what interval the robbers were snooping in the cemetery, and it was exactly this night when they will strike again. If Catillin was fortunate, he might even catch them, and who knows even get to the bottom of this.

He went outside of the chapel and set his bearings. The sun was just at dusk, remembering few scratches of how it used to look. He didn’t know from which of the four entrances the thieves will enter the cemetery.

Faddy reminding himself of the “spying tactics “, a laugh for a professional spy, but amusingly efficient basing on his hints, instinct and short-term predictions. He started climbing in the tallest tree that surrounded the chapel, and waited there, knowing that it will not be long. The cemetery was so silent, that when they will come he would make a pretty good guess, from where the noise would be coming.

[silicson]

While waiting, watching, the sun had disappeared entirely from the sky. Only a few rays can be seen now. Silence. A peaceful wind blowing in the cemetery, whispering the stories of people who died. A remembrance of eternity and beyond hazing amidst the air was felt. Catillin waited patiently. He knew that sooner or later the grave robbers were going to attempt another scavenge trip for their master, or who knows. Now it was a full blown night. The wolves were crying at the moon.

“Oh, my god, is full of stars!” happily exclaimed the Saint. They always gave him a sense of quite peacefulness that filled his big heart. A big heart, but which it didn’t contained him; he reserved it for others, for others that really count. A crow’s yell interrupted the silence. Then the sound of immediate movement in the forest near the cemetery caught the Saint’s attention. It was coming from the northern exit.

Catillin stayed still as not to draw unwanted attention to him. He saw them as clearly as an almost-full moon night could shade light on their faces. There were three of them, wearing simple, a peasant’s cloths; although they were dirty. They had a shovel and some kind of bags. One of them started digging a grave, nearest the exit. Catillin thought he would let them dig, and after they were done, he would follow. “They must have a secret hideout. All villains have one in any world.” He thought.

They dug the grave pretty fast, obviously they were in a hurry, as to finish as quick as possible. Afterward, they took the corpse easily, which was quite “fresh”, and dropped it easily on the bag. The Saint was planning to use, for the first time, his skills. And he will use one skill in particular, Holy Protection. Knowing he could activated only for 1 minute, although the reuse was fast, he let the gang to be as close to the exit as possible. He didn’t want to alert them, not even a little bit.

He activated the skill. The dimension had a blue hue, but in rest it was the same as the “real world”. He started running to catch them. Of course, he didn’t make any noise. The gang had entered the forest, and the Saint caught them up. He hid behind the trees, as the effect faded away and he was back to the normal dimension. He followed them quietly. For the moment he didn’t had to use his skills.

Catillin marked the path the villains were walking by making little marks on the trees or rocks. Their hideout wasn’t too far; the saint guessed he walked for a half hour. He used Holy Protection, because the hideout was is the field. He found the villains lair, but what to do now? To confront them or to call for some help from the constable?

[silicson]

I thought some time about an interesting ending. Hope this is it.
Catillin approached the abandoned looking house. To his amazement, as he was getting nearer the house, it showed to be something different. It was the entrance to a cave.
The Saint trembled for a moment, knowing that in the cave, it was the grave diggers he was after. He entered the cave, activating Holy protection. The cave was pretty humid, and he walked for a little more than a minute, until he saw some light from torches creeping. He activated the skill again, and prepared himself for any confrontation.

He realizes he is in a crypt. There are three smaller tombs centering one larger tomb in the middle of the crypt. Catillin approaches the larger tomb, and saw two writings on it:

“The path of darkness has many dangers, incentives, temptations, offerings, defamations, mysteries, aspirations...”

“The path of light has many benefits, hopes, traps, enlightenments, dogmas, nourishments, voids, desperation, peacefulness...”

The writings puzzled him. Obviously, it was some kind of riddle. “Why would something like this would be written on a tomb?” One may wonder. The Saint thought that one may have to show a proof of darkness or light. But was this correct? Or did he have to show both signs?
After some considerations, Catillin realized he had to use his skills on that tomb for the light sign. The darkness sign was the tomb itself. He fired a Divine Spark on the tomb, and the crypt started shaking a bit.

The three smaller tombs opened and three shady figures emerged slowly from the tombs. “This was supposed to be easy” thought the Saint. He started firing Divine Sparks toward one undead creature at a time. One who would see the Saint's skill would see him summoning a fire-white ball in front of him an then pushing toward the enemy and illuminating the spot for a few seconds. The undeads were moving slow, probably woken too early, from their tombs of rest. They all felt, easily on the floor , after only two shoots, each.
Now that they were down, Catillin could take a better look at them. Their appearance was strange , even to him, who saw lots of “species” of undeads and creatures of evil. They were a mixture between human and undead, more likely, having claws instead of fingers and toes, and being partially decomposed. Also, their skin had a pinkish hue, and a slimy appearance, but covered by a dark cloak.

And then, suddenly, the crypt started shaking more abruptly, and the larger tomb, started opening...
“Let's get over this.” was the last thought the Saint passed through his mind, before the tomb opened fully.

[silicson]

The Saint, took no more seconds to think about what was emerging in front of him, clearly an undead figure more dreadful looking, than the pitiful creatures that he defeated, a few seconds before, and started firing Divine Sparks at it.
“My name is Turnero, and no angelic icon is match for me. “ Catillin stood in amazement seeing that his spell was worthless against such a creature filled with evil, although it should have been more effective.
The Saint had quickly dodged, the swift attack of this thing, “Turnero”. His “hands” were some sharp claws that he used to attack the Saint. Catillin had no choice, and used his Holy Protection skill, to analyze what to do next.
“ Show yourself , your holiness! Are you afraid of the dark that may come to you?”

The Saint appeared behind him, silently , and started charging a Divine Word. The force of the spell came heavily upon Turnero, and he stayed a little stunned. But, he recovered quickly and went violently and rapidly towards the Saint, but Catillin, had sufficient time, and with an ironic smirk he fired again, and Turnero sat stunned, again.
The Saint, wanted to charge another one, but he felt he could not do it.
Turnero seized the chance and struck Catillin viciously in the chest.

The pain, was surging to the Saint’s senses as water thru tunnels. He remembered that feeling that was like the face of an old lost friend in the mist of time; that powering surge that did not killed him, but made him stronger with each twitch of his nerves. He consumed the pain, and it was no more, so he braced himself and fired one last Divine Spark. Turnero felt to the ground, and a slight ground shake occurred, that was felt in the vicinity, momentarily . He was not much of a challenge for the Saint.

The ground shake has alerted the constable, who came with the two helpers, to what seemed the source of it. He founded the crypt, in which the inert bodies of the undead creatures were lying on the ground, and in front of Catillin, Turnero, their chief, also dead.
The constable, was pleased, but also a little worried about the thing, that the shady figures were no laughing matter, and that they were in fact black-magic related.

The Saint explained to the constable that Turnero was a half-undead being that used his black magic powers to summon undead, and to robe the nearby graves to conduct his necromantic experiments, the silent figures on the ground, being some of his results.
The constable rewarded the Saint, which modestly accepted his reward, and then went back to Eruien’s house to recover from his injuries and his first mental effort.

Catillin thought of what things will he see in his future encounters with the beings which lurk in the dark corners of the World of Althanas....

[Taskmienster]

A Grave Problem :: You’ve requested regular rubric with limited commentary. If I see something to note I’ll do so, otherwise I’ll just make small commentary. If I leave something blank, it’s because I’ve probably noted it somewhere else. If that’s the case, I’ll refer you back to that. If I quote something, I’m going to put the post it came from in [brackets] after the quote. If you have questions, concerns, or comments please feel free to PM me and I’ll help you however I can!


Continuity 4

Who is the saint? Why is he in Scara Brae? Where did he come from? What’s his investment in solving this case? What interest does he have in the grave robbing? Does he want fame within the island, notoriety, money, perhaps a chance to steal whatever necromantic powers are being used on the bodies, or even a way to stop necromantic powers in the future? Goals, ambitions, reasons for realistically being where you are… that’s what continuity is all about. It’s not just your past and who you are, though that helps a lot, but it’s also about the present story being told, as well as the future of the character and what you have planned for them. Even if you don’t have something particularly awe-inspiring, or anything at all planned for the character’s future, he must have chosen to help for some reason… why was that? Work on developing the depth of the character, past/present/future, and express that depth through your narrative, dialogue, actions, or other means to really give the reader something to work with.

Setting 4

Setting isn’t just when and where, it’s also a good deal of what’s around and how you use it. You can take three paragraphs to describe a room (not saying you did, and it’s probably going to hurt the pacing score in the end) but if you don’t really have any interactions with the room then it’s just half of what setting is really about. It’s not just describing the beauty of a sun-set, but also how your character feels about the sun-set, what their senses are picking up in regards to their surrounding. Don’t just tell me what’s around and what you are near, show me… as a read I crave something more than just “I stood near a wooden table and placed my hands on it.” I desire something like “The wooden table was weathered after years of use, cracks running its length and width. My hands touched its surface and gently stroked it, fearing for splinters as my fingers caught the edges of the breaks in the well-worn wood. I could smell the ale that had been spilt across its surface, the sour smell drifting to my nose as I cringed. It creaked when I applied weight, and I quickly removed the pressure fearing for its continuity.”

In that example I used quite a bit of technique, from alliteration to metaphors. But it was all just a description of the character touching the table, and gave the reader a feel of the wood that was used and the condition of the table. The scents that were lingering were expressed through the years of use and accidental spills. The worn wood and it’s noise was something that allowed me to write an expression of my character’s personality and fears of falling to the ground and looking like a dolt. Those 4 sentences would just begin the paragraph, allowing me a firm base of narrative to further my explanation of the setting off of. That’s what you are looking for, the ability to give the reader a narrative that touches their senses and makes them feel as if the world could be as real as the one they are living in.

Pacing 4

Don’t feel like you have to rush anything. Just because this is a solo doesn’t mean that you have to go out of your way to hurry it along and finish it. Some of the best solo’s I’ve written and read were the ones that were longer and took the time to really elaborate and display a true story to be told. I’m not saying brevity is against the “writing-god”, haha, just that it has it’s place at times. You don’t need to rush to the end, you don’t need to finish the thread/story as quickly as you can. Take your time, make things come alive, and draw the reader into what you are writing. When you can truly write to a point where whoever is reading your stuff is on the edge of their seats, can’t pull away, you will have a pride that is hard to match in any other circumstance.

Sometimes I have stories that I write that make people just sit and read, they may have something else but it’s pushed to the background. Whether what I wrote is grammatically perfect, or technically precise doesn’t matter to me. If I can tell an interesting story and keep the pacing of it so that it flows well, then I’ve accomplished something as a writer that I always strive for. I don’t care about the score that I get at that point, as long as what I wrote was intriguing and alluring in its own right. I’m not interested in being the next J.R.R. Tolkien when I’m writing on Althanas… mainly because this is just a fun place to write, not a publisher… I just want to tell something interesting and engaging.

Dialogue 5

When you write dialogue, it’s best to make clearly discernable differences between thoughts and spoken word. If you are going to write it all in italics, it gets confusing. I’d suggest only writing thoughts in italics, and leaving the rest of the dialogue in regular text. Also when you write dialogue, it should be at the beginning of the paragraph, end of it, or set aside completely. When dialogue is written in the middle of a paragraph, italics/bold or not, it’s hard for the reader to follow the flow of the overall storyline.

Action 5

Everything seemed either too convenient, or force through circumstance. Not everything in life is so easily gathered. Coming to Eruien’s house could have been something much better than what you wrote, for example… instead of him immediately knowing about who your character was and why he was there, you could have had him cautious, concerned, or defensive. If he’s been the victim of a crime, even one that’s not directly against him such as grave robbing, you could have had him question the character when he arrived. Expressed his concern and discomfort with the situation through his actions upon seeing someone just suddenly appear to help. Or maybe even gone into something like snappy, sharp dialogue intended to express the personality of a man who’s been subjected to a crime. These things don’t only help you’re score with action, but with persona too, and in turn help draw the reader into the story on a deeper level… if I feel the emotions that the characters are feeling, be it through their actions, dialogue, or personality, I’m much more likely to want to read more, which is what pacing is all about as well.

Persona 5

Quite a few times I wondered who your character was, from personal interests to any little flair of persona that might give me a little more insight. However, it seems that you were writing something more of a completely third person narrative that had no true depth in regards to either your characters personality, or that of those you met. It would be nice, in the future, if you took a moment when you were writing and really put yourself in the situation of your character. Assume his mindset, attempt to understand who they are and what little things they do (from the way they move to any sort of quirk they may have) and develop that.

Don’t shy away from expressing something so little as how he holds a cup, or why he talks the way he does, if that’s going to give the reader the ability to see the saint as a real person instead of something akin to a 2D, flat person that they are following around. Make the reader care about your character, and that will help in many areas of your writing, not just persona.

Technique 5

There are times when you attempt to write something akin to advance technique, such as (most notably) metaphors and similes. However, they are somewhat lost in translation… that is to say, when you write something that’s an attempt at advanced technique it’s missing something paramount to truly being an addition to the thread. You’re mechanical issues made the technique of the thread miss important aspects (such as word usage and phrase clarity) which in turn hurt this score. You also tend to write as if you are developing a screen play instead of a book sometimes… which makes if fell as if you took the emotion out of the writing and replaced it with the bare necessities of understanding who is where, what they said, and how the move.

Mechanics 5

When you write, remember to place an extra space between paragraphs, otherwise they get clumped together and makes it hard to follow. It hurts the clarity as well as the pacing of the thread. I would suggest running your posts through a word processor, to catch any of the immediate grammatical or spelling errors… then coming back to them after a little and read them over again. It’s best not to edit a post as soon as you write it, unless it’s basic mechanics, because you tend to mentally fix errors in the writing without physically changing things. That’s the way I write, at least, and it tends to help if you read it out loud and make sure that it makes sense.

There were numerous errors in the thread: missing words, phrase’s feeling out of place, comma usage, misused words, capitalization errors, switching to a different form of third person (from a limited omniscient third person to a story-telling true omniscient third person)

Clarity 5.5

Wild Card 4.5

Score:

Silicson: 47

Rewards:

Silicson: 450 exp | 115 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!