OH MY GOD! THERE"S SOMEONE BEHIND YOU! (Open to one)

[the Tainted]

The glade was silent, almost unnaturally so. It was like a painting that was not quite finished; perfect, but somehow missing something. The sky had been pulled to the ground, reflected in the dark pool, ripples shimmering through the clouds and scattering them into many half moons shapes, dancing on the crests of the waves. The gnarled fingers of the willow tree's roots clutched the edge of the bank, dipping into the water. A subtle breeze riffled through the veil of trailing leaves, but quickly stilled. The ring of trees surrounding the glade were tightly packed, showing only darkness beyond them into the rest of the forest. Their branches stretched upwards like empty arms striving for something out of their reach. The glade was all stillness and silence and crystallized light, just waiting.

"Bloody hell."

Trinquity Rei stepped into the clearing, leaves crunching beneath her plaid platform boots. She was lost and she knew it. Why had she even come to this world? She sighed and brushed her raven hair out of her face, revealing a pair of luminescent eyes, one vivid green, the other a shock of scarlet. Oh, right. Something noble about finding the truth of her past, discovering her powers, and becoming stronger.

"This was an idiotic idea," she announced to the forest.

The trees didn't answer her.

"Then again, there's no turning back, right?" Trinquity said, jutting her chin out stubbornly. "I am going to become stronger!" She paused, looking down at her her pale hands. "I want to be able to control this power. I know I can!"

For some reason, talking to inanimate objects seemed to bolster her confidence. She strode across the glade to the edge of the pool and swung her messenger bag off her shoulder and onto a wide, flat stone resting on the bank. There was a small clunk as something hard inside struck the rock, and Tinquity winced. She's forgotten Eduardo, her mechanical monkey, was sleeping inside there, or "resting his circuits and data banks", as he called it.

She slowly unbuckled her boots and pulled them off, propping them up against the stone while she removed her socks. The grass felt strange against her bare feet; a rasping tickle of wispy tendrils, the soil soft and warm underneath. She raised her head to the sky, eyes lost in a whirl of ethereal blue, before she stepped into it's mirror image.

Instantly she knew it had been the right thing to do. The water was warm, lapping against her legs like it was greeting a long-lost friend.She waded forward, her feet barely brushing the smooth pebbles carpeting the bottom, as though she was floating. Finally she came to a halt in the middle of the the pond, the water just above her knees.

Now to summon her power.

Trinquity squeezed her eyes shut, trying to remember the exact feeling she'd had back on Earth, that day when she'd first discovered her power. A boy in her class had irritated her. She remembered punching him in the mouth and then running off to the bathroom. She'd been in the cubicle, growing angrier and angrier and even more upset, and was on the brink of tears when--

Liquid heat screamed up her body, exploding outwards in a shock wave as two huge wings burst from her back and reared up into the air. A huge wave of water rushed out from her in a circle, crashing up onto the bank and soaking the stone where she had placed her bag. The trees around the clearing bowed and shook as the invisible wave hit them like a hurricane wind. And suddenly all was still again.

Trinquity stared down into the water. The girl reflected there looked like her, except for the two black wings arching up over her head. They were wispy, ragged looking, the edges fading into nothingness so that the air around them shimmered whenever they moved. Thin red veins spider webbed their way along the black expanse, and there were small spikes ridging the top. They seemed delicate, almost fragile, but when she flexed them she could see the muscles swelling up beneath the the rippling darkness. She looked down at her hands and rippled her fingers, watching the light glint off the tips of her claws. She grinned.

A leaf fell off a tree and hit the ground.

A tiny movement, a sound so minuscule it should have been lost among the shifting sounds of a forest. But Trinquity knew it was out of place, knew that something was there, out of sight. She whirled around, water spraying up in a wave of turquoise as she bared her teeth in a snarl, claws held at the ready. She should have known, should have been prepared. But she was not going down without a fight.

She tensed as the trees parted and her opponent stepped into the clearing.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max woke up and stretched, it was a long journey for him so far. the tree's were greener then moss frowing on the southfacing side of a tree, the ground was harder then ... well rock, and the tree's just seemed to look all the more alive here then where he came from.and these tree trunks for beds didn't help either. Max shot up and look around he heard ... what sounded like rushing water.

"yes maybe i can get a nice cool drink and maybe go for a swim!" Max said as he took off at a full sprint towards teh sound of the water, as he approached the rushing waer noise stopped. Max stopped and looked around, maybe was it all in his head?

"Man i must be going crazy" Max said as he scratched the back of his head and went to walk away only to slip and fall backwards sliding down a hill made of wet grass

"no no no no no " Max said trying to grab ahold of something but it was too late, he saw the edge of the hill and what laid beneath was a sight for sore eyes, but there was something with made his stomach tighten up, it was some kind of creature with big black wings and claw's standing in the middle of the lake or pond, facing a big something rather, but as his body was launched over the cliff he shut his eye's knowing that at any moment he could be ripped in half.

"Max, wake up come on"Max heart a faint voice say, only to see alex and jon trying to wakeup him up, after a mision.

"What the? why am i back here?" Max said as he looked around, he saw the same tan tnent, with the weapon rack and armor rack, both the smoked brown colour, as well as the bed was made out of tree stumps with some form of creature's furr covering the bed. he definantly wasnt at his watery death or anywhere else for that matter, he was back at his bandit camp where he grew up, and was trained.

Max was just about to sit up when Eric threw a bucket of water in his face.

max opened his eyes and realized he was now submerged in the pond, it wasn't overly that deep, but enough to cover him when in the fetile position.

Max stood up fearing for his life, hopig he was not just a distraction to these, cause well ... distractions always get taken care of first.

max scratched the back of his head as he closes his eyes and gets a big boyish grin on his face as he say's.

"nice water isn't it?" as he starts chuckling.

[the Tainted]

Whatever Trinquity had been expecting, it was not this. Something tumbled out of the bushes and struck her hard, knocking the breath out of her. She stumbled and then fell, rather ungracefully, into the pool, water splashing up to soak the little of her that remained dry.

"Nice water, isn't it?" said a voice. She glanced up to see a young man standing above her. He looked sheepish, running a hand through his white hair, eyes squinted against the sun. His skin was only a few shades lighter than his brown leather armor, burnished by the weather. He didn't look like the type who pushed unsuspecting girls into water on purpose, but her sharp eyes had already taken note of the swords at his belt, light glinting off the harsh blades. Something about him told her that this was not one to be underestimated. Then again, neither was she.

Trinquity had never been a violent girl. She could watch war movies without cringing at the gore, but she hated horror movies because she hated the idea of a killer, someone who thought of extremely creative and painful ways to kill people. In her opinion, violence was only something you used as a last resort. No one would ever dare to call her a wimp, but no one would describe her as violent.

But she was a different girl now. She had transformed into one of the Tainted; a race from a parallel universe whose blood she shared. The Tainted live in their emotions. Whatever one is strongest will take over her body, will fuel her actions like nothing else will. And right now, she was angry.

Trinquity slowly got to her feet, water dripping from her sodden clothes. She had been minding her own business when this man had come bumbling out of the trees and pushed her! Now she was drenched, cold to the bone, and angry as a Titan that had been locked up for hundreds of years. She was shaking, not from the cold, but from livid fury. It filled her, warming her blood until it sang out, her power stretching to her entire body. Someone was going to pay, and that someone was standing in front of her.

"Nice water?" she said incredulously, her voice just a hiss of anger. "Nice water? That's all you can say?" She stepped forward, advancing upon him. He held his ground, but she didn't stop there. "How dare you do that! I am soaked now and it's all your fault!" She jabbed the air with her finger, punctuating each word. "Don't think you can just walk away from that! I will stab you in the jugular with a freshly sliced orange peel!"

The glade was silent. Somewhere in the forest, a bird cried out as a fox pounced upon it.

"Er..." The man seemed at a loss as to what to say to this and a fresh wave of heat surged to Trinquity's cheeks. If there was anything more dangerous than an angry Tainted, it was an embarrassed, angry Tainted.

"Shut up!" she screamed, ignoring the fact that he had yet to actually say anything. She spread her wings, the wind swelling up beneath them as she rose into the air. Her wings billowed outwards as she hovered, tracking with her eyes the best spot for attack. If she hadn't been so preoccupied, she might have noticed the way the wind felt on her skin, might have taken time to appreciate the feeling of flying for the first time, unsuspended and free. But of course, right now, she had a mission.

As the sun lit upon her face and a glow danced along her wings, she gave a strange, haunting smile, her mis-matched eyes narrowing in---what? Humour? Triumph?

"One thing you should know," she said, her voice tumbling from her throat like a silken ribbon. "Don't cross me."

Claws held at the ready, she dove.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max scratched the back of his head some more, as he was confused. But before he could say anything the girl in front of him lifted off into the sky, and lunged at him, max barely had enough time to draw his sword, he blocked her one pair of claws as the other pair dug into his right shoulder.

“Look! I didn't mean to do what I did, I slipped and that's it but if you insist on this then fine!” Max said as he looked at her with anger and the look that he was prepared to kill her if he had too. As he grabbed her left wrist and charged as much mana as he could into it, getting rid of all brain activites to that wrist and past it.

“He then drew his other sword and slashed out at her wing, maybe if he could stop ger from attacking from above, they may be on a little equal footing.

“by the way how were you supposed to slice open my jugular with an orange peel?” Max said as he looked at her curiously as water dripped from him into the water, creating ripples, even after the water had subsided from the intensity of the hit.

But as his sword slash drew closer, he couldn't help but think he was making a terrible mistake in fighting back.

[the Tainted]

Trinquity reeled backwards in confusion. An odd weakness was spreading through her limbs, stealing into her like drowsiness in a sunny room. What had he done to her? He had blocked the main force of her attack with a sword, then grabbed her wrist. What magic had he injected in her? She realized that she was moving slowly, as though her blood had been replaced with sludge.

"By the way, how were you going to slice open my jugular with an orange peel?" he asked.

A hot, liquid fury shot through her veins, burning through the weakness. If anything mattered to her, it was her pride. But even that couldn't make her move as his sword came down towards her wing in a smooth arc. What happens if I die here? She thought suddenly in a panic. I never said goodbye to my parents on Earth...and I never finished that Math homework!

Then the blade of his sword hit her wing.

It was a pain she had never felt before, a pain that made all others dim in comparison. Spraining her finger in grade two? That was a walk through a meadow of flowers. Breaking her leg in three places in grade six? That was a mildly irritating paper cut. If she had to chose between throwing herself in front of a transport truck and the pain she was feeling now, she'd have to say transport truck. But more than the pain, it was the sheer wrongness of the sensation. She knew instantly that no one was allowed to touch her wings without her express permission.

The pain erased whatever magic had taken hold of her before, and she moved, faster than she ever had before. Trinquity spun towards him, seized one of his swords from his belt and struck out towards him. The blow hit his leather armor and didn't cut through, but he staggered backwards slightly, giving her room to breathe. She was unused to a sword. It felt strange in her hand, but not unfriendly.

While he was still unsteady, she swung the sword, slashing into his shoulder before he had time to raise his sword. It was a shallow cut, but she could change that. Leaping into the air, the gash in her wing searing with leftover pain, she raised the sword above her head to come crashing down on him.

[Lady Blackwell]

(bunnying approved)

Max couldn't help but feel astonished she had somehow pushed out the Paralysis touch and managed to steal a sword and counter him. Not only that, but now he had a wound on his left shoulder.

Max covered his wound and added a touch of mana to dissipate the pain, as he got ready for her next attack, and just as Max thought it was another aerial maneuver. He widened his stance and watched her movements and just before she could connect with his sword, he spun to his right and swung upwards with his sword as she narrowly missed him.

If anything she would severe her own wing with her momentum.

“Look I don't have a good feeling about this!” Max said as he watched his sword arc ever closer to the wing.

Time seemed to slow in his mind, as water droplets fell from her wing's into the water, the way the green leaves rustled and moved in the wind, even the wolf eating the bird it all seemed rather peaceful, even in the midst of battle.

[the Tainted]

Trinquity could see him move in slow motion. The pain had cleared her mind to a strange precision, and suddenly everything seemed so clear to her. She saw his hand move towards his sword and knew what he was going to do. She could see it in her mind now: he would let her momentum bring her crashing down on his sword. She could almost feel what it would be like when his sword ripped into her wing. His mouth moved, but she couldn't hear his voice through the blood rushing in her ears.

How could he underestimate her like that? He must have seen how inexperienced at combat she was, but she would never let herself do something so stupid, if only to save her pride. Besides, she was a creature of the air. How could he beat her while she was in her home?

Trinquity twisted in midair, bringing her feet up to her chest. His sword swung upwards, but she angled her body towards it and landed, feet first, on the sword itself. The blade cut into the heel of her boots, but before it could sink through into her flesh, she kicked her feet out sideways, the sword spinning out of his hands and landing in the blue water of the pool. Trinquity fell in a jumbled heap of arms and legs on the man himself, knocking the wind out of him.

She was still holding his other sword in her right hand, and she knew he would strike if she didn't first. Pinning him to the ground with her weight, she raised the sword and plunged it down towards his flesh.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max was in disbelief he was on the ground she was on top of him, and aiming for his shoulder.

Max lifted his shoulder and barely missed the blade, as he grabbed hold of her elbow, on the arm with the sword, and charged as much mana as he could into the joint, hopefully disabling that arm from the wrist down.

He then quickly slid out from under neath her, closing his eyes as his body slid under neath her in the water. As he got up he went to grab her arm's and step on her back effectively restraining her so they could talk all this out reasonably cause he didn't want to be forced to hurt a semi psychotic chick who was semi hot

[the Tainted]

Trinquity should have known that victory would not come that easily. She couldn't feel her right hand; it was as though it had been erased and she had never even had one. Her arm was wrenched upwards, and his boot pressed into her back, just above the joint of her wings, forcing her to the ground. The earth was damp with the water that had been splashed around during their battle. She could see a lady bug climbing a blade of grss not two inches from her face, completely oblivious to the giants above it.

She let her body go limp. She was holding a sword, but was in no position to use it. His sword had been wrenched out of his hands, but he had another one at his belt. If he so chose, he could stab her right here. Her only hope was to show that she wasn't going to struggle anymore. After all, she had been the one who had started this fight. He had been reluctant to battle.

"I won't try and get away and attack you again," she gasped, still fighting for breath. "Who are you?"

[Lady Blackwell]

Max let go of her arm and stepped back

"I am Maximillian Cannon, and you are?" Max said as he walked over to grab his other sword.

only to stop as he tried to remember what exactcly had brought him to this point? he tripped landed on her, and she went berserk even though he made sure it was an accident.

"By the way why did you attack? i fell i am sorry abut that"

[the Tainted]

The girl lay still for a moment after he had moved away, uncertain if he was going to attack her if she moved. But as his back was to her, she quickly rolled to her feet, knees bent slightly, still cautious.

He turned back towards her, and she saw his eyes go to the sword still in her hand. She tossed it onto the ground between them and he bent to pick it up.

"I'm Trinquity Rei," she said in answer to his first question. "And I attacked you because I'm only just discovering my power. I don't know how to quite control it yet. It takes whatever emotion I have and amplifies it about a thousand times. I was angry that you fell into me and knocked me into the pond, so it just got worse from there."

The feeling of anger was fading, replaced with an overall sense of ridiculousness. She had started a fight for no reason and she hadn't even won it. Not that she had lost, she thought with a sudden fierce sense of pride. It had been a good battle, when all was said and done. But a pointless one.

They both glanced over as a sudden sound came from the green bag Trinquity had left on the stone beside the pool. A small gray head popped out, red eyes glaring around at them, sun glinting off the metal.

"Why I'm wet!" Eduardo said. His peppy little voice really didn't match the glowing eyes, but he clambered out of the bag, shaking water out of his joints. "I hate wet!"

Trinquity couldn't help feeling even more ridiculous as the man, Max, he said his name was, gazed at the mechanical monkey, totally nonplussed. "Well, it took you long enough to recharge your data banks!" she snapped. "What were you doing in there that was so interesting that you couldn't even come out and help me?"

Eduardo opened his mouth, probably to give some long-winded response about how after processing this that and the other his neural pathways were damaged, or something like that, but he closed it when she held up a hand.

"Sorry, Eduardo," she sighed, already regretting her outburst. "Come on, we'd better go." She brushed by Max, trying not to look uncertain, and strode over to the rock. Her bare feet sank into the damp, mossy ground as she lowered an arm for Eduardo to climb up. He scrambled up and jumped onto her head, clinging to her like a leech.

"I see your wing is damaged," he said in concern. "I will fix that for you as soon as possible."

Trinquity smiled at his words. She knew he couldn't see it, but he would sense the change in her emotions. Her wing had gone numb, just like her hand, so she couldn't feel it anymore, but it was good to know that he was there for her.

She pulled the bag up onto her shoulder, and went to leave, but paused. turning back to the man standing in the middle of the clearing.

"Um, I'm sorry about that," Trinquity mumbled, pointing at his shoulder, where blood still oozed stickily from the gash. "And I'm sorry that I kind of hurled one of your swords into the middle of that pond."

She waited, wondering if he would even bother to respond.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max laughed as he ripped off a thin layer from his cloak and wrapped his shoulder wound up to stop the bleeding.

“This is nothing don't worry about it. by the way, where are you headed next? Cause you won't get far in this place with how you act. If I was even like half the people I have fought I would of killed you were you stand without second thought's. Not to mention that I could easily do it like that” and on the word That maxed snapped his finger's dissipating all the mana that was in her system bringing all the pain back and giving her full use of every muscle.

Max reached in and grabbed his other sword from the middle of the pond as a breeze blew by rustling his hair and blowing his cloak in the breeze as he swung his sword to get what water he could off of it before he sheathed his sword.

“This sword? Oh it's nothing just some old trash that has saved my life a few times.” Max said as he started walking over to her. “do you need any help, cause well you do seem kinda lost.”

[the Tainted]

There was a rush of blood as the feeling came back to her hand. She flexed the fingers experimentally, still disconcerted at how easily he had taken away her control of them.

A slow anger was boiling underneath her skin again. She knew to harness it now, but something about the man's dismissive tone irked her.

Was he implying that she was weak? Yes, this was her first battle, but there had been more than one time where she could have killed him. If she had aimed for his heart instead of his shoulder, he wouldn't have been able to shift his weight and dodge. He was acting as though he had defeated her, as though she was nothing more than a meddlesome child that he was trying to look out for. That was misrepresenting the facts! She had done really well for a beginner.

For a moment she thought about accepting his help. But what she was looking for wasn't something that could be found on a map. Truth was a hard thing to search for, especially when you didn't know the signs of it, but she was also searching for something else, something she'd never had. The independence to prove that she was strong. It would be so easy to rely on this man, who was obviously a seasoned warrior, but that would be like saying that she was too weak to continue on her own.

She remembered something one of high school teachers had said to her.

"Man, Trinquity, you always have to do things the hard way, don't you?"

She smiled. If anything about her was true, that was.

"Sorry, Max," she said, hoisting her bag up on her shoulder. "But I've got to go this alone." She turned and walked through the circle of trees around the clearing and into the forest, the dappled shadows sprinkling across her face. Suddenly she paused, and swiveled to face him again, peering through the mesh of leaves. "But you bet that once I'm stronger, I'll be back for a rematch! Once we're equal, maybe then I'll accept your help!"

She turned back to the forest, back to the unknown and the uncertain. Her steps didn't falter and she held her head high as she walked away, slowly vanishing into the collage of foliage. If the battle had taught her anything, it was that she needed to improve. She needed to become stronger, to become more polished.

Was it a win, or a loss? She couldn't quite say. But if Trinquity Rei knew anything, it was that someday, she'd be good enough to defeat that man, and anyone else who stood in her way.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max scratched the back of his head, as she walked away, only to turn around and utter one more statement.

“Well I will be looking forward to it” Max said as he laughed and walked in the opposite direction.

“I guess I got to get stronger too, and remind myself not to slip and fall into random ponds”

As max finished sheathing and getting ready to continue his adventure onwards he realized the breeze was picking up, and storm clouds were moving in. he only realized then, that it was a breeze of a skirmish but he couldn't help but fear the next time they meet up he would not be so lucky.

[Taskmienster]

((Originally done by Lord Angelkos, though since he did not have a copy I am going to post what he had submitted via PM.))

((The writing style part was shorter because I had less time, was just finishing as the library closed. My apologies.))

"OH MY GOD! THERE"S SOMEONE BEHIND YOU!"

[/U]Trinquity Rei's scoring is in light blue.
Bandit Brother's scoring is in red.


--STORY--
15.5/30 10/30


Continuity: 4, 2

Trinquity, you did okay here. Not great, but not terrible either. The largest reason for the drop in your score was you did not give me a good reason as to why she was "lost". Where had she come from? Where was she going? Why was she walking in the forests of Scara Brae in the first place? Those were all questions I felt needed answering. You mentioned something about the truth of her past and her searching for something, and her questioning herself about coming to "this world" told me she came from another, but I had to read your profile history in order to gain any real knowledge as to who she was.

Bandit Brother, I couldn't make heads or tails out of your first post without re-reading it over and over again, which hurt your Clarity score. You told me something about walking and a long journey, and then the next thing I knew he was waking up after falling in the pond where Trinquity was practicing. Again, the same things as I told her apply to you: Coming from, going, and why in the first place. She gave me a hint of those, but you gave me almost nothing at all, save a dream about old comrades. At the end you mentioned an adventure; what adventure? What is his purpose? Again, I had to reference to your profile in order to find out.

Setting: 6.5, 3

Trinquity: You did well here. Your first descriptions of the glade you entered were good, and I was definitely impressed with some of your interaction with it. The leaves crunching beneath your feet and the way you described the grass between your toes after the taking off of the boots was a large reason for your score. However, after that the setting hardly came into play until post number 11; in other words, after the action had ceased. Remember, even though it's a battle, it doesn't mean the arena is just there; there were many points from both of you where I spotted ways the setting could have been interacted with the fighting.

Bandit, you barely gave me any setting at all. You mentioned the pond briefly before the fighting started, and after that almost nothing. I give you the same advice as I gave Trinquity; use what's around you. The setting is there for a reason, and would have helped you in Continuity as well. At the end you gave a me a little more with the breeze, but I would've liked to have seen some more from you.

Pacing: 5, 4



In general terms, the pacing of this thread was a little rushed on both of your parts. The thread itself must have taken days, but IC'ly it only went through about ten minutes or so, and there a little too much thought and buddy-buddy interaction there for the short amount of time span your characters knew each other in, especially at the end. (See my notes in Action.)

Trinquity, you did well in explaining the sudden attack upon Bandit Brother and the reason why she was so impulsive, and Bandit Brother, you did well in showing that he was fighting defensively by attacking her non-vital parts (to him). But at other times the action seemed utterly out of place with the personality of your characters that I had gotten. For example, Trinquity: at first your attacks were like one possessed by anger, as I had assumed she was from her sudden barrage upon Bandit, but then at the end of the fighting she appeared to be a rational, thinking human being, whereupon I thought she was still this "Tainted" creature who's emotions ruled. Perhaps she was feeling fear, for example, at her life being endangered, and thought could have swallowed her anger, but you made no mention of that save her inability to battle effectively. Bandit Brother, after being attacked your general concern and Teacher-Knows-Best attitude threw the pacing of the thread off and dampered your score. Up until that point it was okay.



--CHARACTER--
15.5/30 10/30

Dialogue: 5, 3

Trinquity: Your character definitely came across as the teenage girl, reckless and impulsive, from her dialogue. There were a few points, however, where I thought her words didn't tie in to her current situation or how someone like her would normally react. For example, in post number 3, she says "One thing you should know, don't cross me." just before she dives from her position in the air. If she truly were filled with rage and anger enough to attack a stranger, I don't think she would be shouting warnings or threats at her opponent. Also, in post number 9, her sentence seemed a little calm for someone who had just been hurt, angry, and surprised. Maybe a better description of how it was said would have changed that, but I would've gone with a more vulgar tone.

Bandit Brother: Your character is a thief. It says so under his occupation, and mentions in his history how he and his group stole and hurt strangers to survive. Through his dialogue, however, Maximillian came across to me as your average wandering do-gooder hero, and treated Trinquity as a teacher would a student. As he'd just woken from what I assume to be a nap and suddenly attacked by this complete stranger whom, from her description, looked demonic, I doubt he would have been awake enough or clear-headed from the attack to be the maiden-saving boisterous hero. Even after she explained why she had attacked you, that still applies; he seemed to just accept it and the fact that she'd just attaced him because she was angry. Wouldn't he have been angry himself, and/or "get aggressive and yell at anyone" as it says under his profile? Things to consider for next time.

Action: 5, 4



Fighting wise you both okay, and I didn't see any obvious powergaming. However, Bandit Brother, I advise you to take under consideration your usage of the paralysis touch. If you used it upon yourself, numbing the pain from your shoulder, remember that it doesn't just numb pain but effects all the nerves it touches; thus, the muscle cannot be used, which affects the rest of your arm. How can you move your arm if the nerves and passages to it are blocked? Things such as that hurt your score. Also, tying this into Dialogue, in post 4 you attack her wing, but just before asking her almost calmly how she's going to slice you open with an orange peel. I don't think someone attacking so close could or would ask such a question with curiousity.

Out of the battle itself, however, I saw some major concerns. For example, Trinquity, you mention your monkey/robot companion coming out of her pack and complaining, but after which you made no mention of the monkey, making it or him a bit-part character for a little comedic relief. Seeing as he's her partner, I also would have thought he would question about the other man and her current situation, both of which did not happen. A larger part for Eduardo would have helped your score. Also, your character seemed a little too willing to spill out her secrets to an almost complete stranger, and despite her refusal of his help I found her actions after the battle to be a little off with her persona. Bandit Brother, see the notes I made in dialogue as well.

Persona: 5.5, 3

Trinquility, you seemed to describe your character pretty accurately to what she is, although her sudden attack, justified or not, threw me a little. She used to be a high school student, remember, and would not be used to battle; thus, I don't think her first reaction would be to fight someone, even if she was a demon at that time.

Bandit Brother, again; your character is (or was) a thief, and he acted more like a cliche' hero in this battle. Despite maybe a change of heart he's undergone in his past or something, he still has the instincts and thoughts that turned him into a thief in the first place. Those instincts and thoughts were not apparent in this fight, and his behavior after being attacked definitely lowered your potential score.


--WRITING STYLE--
18/30 8.5/30
Technique: 6, 2

Trinquity: Your technique was pretty good, and I could definitely see a lot of work and literary elements put into your writing. I liked your descriptive style and how you didn't run on during the fight scenes where it almost becomes confusing to read. There are some rough spots where you could have done better (posts 9 and 13, to be specific) and I could tell there was some rushing done in a couple of your other posts, but all in all you definitely have potential and talent. If you wish for more details, please PM me.

Bandit Brother: Your technique was hurt by the lack of description in your posts and your Mechanics. As with Trinquity, if you wish more details, PM me.

Mechanics: 6, 3.5

Trinquity: Save a couple spots where you didn't space right, a comma was not there or you didn't provide the right puncuation, I couldn't see anything particualarly wrong with yours. Using Word to type out your posts or spelling would help this score even more.

Bandit Brother: Spelling and punctuation were your biggest issues in this. Again, use Word to help solve those problems, or PM and I can point out the worst sections.

Clarity: 5, 3

Save Bandit Brother's very first post, it was pretty easy to understand what was going on in the posts without having to go through it over and over again.

WILD CARD: 4, 2

Bandit, your score is lower because I can tell you did not put much effort into this.

Trinquity Rei's score: 53/100
Bandit Brother's score: 30.5/100

Trinquity Rei is the winner!

Trinquity Rei gets: 500 exp and 200 gold.
Bandit Brother gets: 100 exp and 50 gold.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!