Clash of Blades.

[Lord Anglekos]

Closed to Bandit Brother. This takes place after "Unreal...?" (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=18576) and before "Agrigon." (http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=18574)

"Would you be interested in a fight?"

Eric turned to the man in the bowler hat and gave him his best "evil eye". It wasn't hard, as the swordsman was not in the best of moods this evening. He'd almost been robbed twice the day before and had nearly been pounded into scrap by some crazy berserker the day before that. Coming back to Radasanth for some action had brought more than he could handle at the moment, so he'd just been preparing to leave the next morning after a couple of drinks when this man in a suit and bowler hat came to Eric's table, sitting down with a smile. His eyes were hidden behind dark glasses, so Eric could not see what was behind the man's seemingly innocent intentions. At least, not until he spoke.

Eric took a sip from his drink before responding. "No." He had no interest in risking his life for the power games of other people.

"I'm willing to pay."

"No, I said." He stood up, about to leave.

"It would be at the Citadel."

Eric froze and reconsidered. A risk-free battle with the promise of payment? No, it couldn't be as good as it sounded. "How much?"

"Fifty gold if you lose. Two hundred if you win." There was a smile in Bowler Hat guy's voice, now. He knew he had a hook.

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. All you have to do is fight, and win or lose, you get paid."

Eric leaned forward and peered at the man with his blue eyes. "What's this all about, really."

The man's grin grew, and for some reason the warrior was reminded of a shark before it struck. "That's not in the contract, I'm afraid. All you need to do is wield that sword of yours."

"I'm not brainless muscle to be pushed around." Eric sneered at the man.

"Perhaps." The grin grew even wider, if possible. "Perhaps not. That's all up to you, of course."

Eric stared as he went over his thoughts and his purse in his head. It'd been a while since he'd gotten paid..."Fine." He swallowed his pride before sitting down once more, moving Amalia out of the way so he could. "Who will I be fighting?"

That sharkish grin grew to the widest he'd ever seen, now, and Eric shivered.


~~~~~~


Maximillian Cannon. That's all Eric got; a name and a date. The fifth of March, of all times. His birthday.


As Eric stepped through the portal on this bright day, he had to remind himself that it was his birthday. I turn twenty today... He thought solemnly to himself with a small chuckle as he entered the arena. There's a big difference between nineteen and twenty. But all thoughts on that disappeared as Eric viewed the arena for the first time.


It looked like what seemed to be the aftermath of a battle, only there were no bodies. Only swords, spears, and other weapons of all shapes and sizes lay stuck into the ground, as if testaments to a tragedy long forgotten by mortal minds. The only place uncovered by weaponry was a crossroads of sorts, desert sand whipping around in the wind as Eric stood, watching for any sign of his opponent. Seeing none, he knocked his bow and sighed, awaiting the arrival of this Maximillian.


"Lets get this over with." He breathed irritably under his breath, just as a dark portal ripped into the air before him and a figure stepped out of it.

[Lady Blackwell]

Takes place after angel rose debates (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=18240)

Max was casually walking through Radasanth, bored as usual. So as he passed a cart in the shopping district he saw some small throwing dagger's and eyed them up as he hear someone yell his name from behind him.

He Spun around and saw it was one of the old members from his bandit clan and instinctively drew his sword but decided not too, cause if he remembered correctly this one had a crush on him.

“Yes Alexis?” Max said as he put both hands on his hips and sighed. “What do you want?”

“Well ouch, there Max. anyways one person just offered another guy 200 gold to kill you in the citadel” She said as she pointed to the citadel. “i have no idea who he was, but as soon as I heard your name I figured you would be around here somewhere so I had to come tell you”

Max sighed and cracked his back as he touch both sword hilt's resting on the base of his back making sure they were both there.

“Well I guess I have to go and deal with him now won't I?” Max said as he started off towards where she pointed.

“And umm.... mind if I come to?” she said fidgeting with her finger's

“No! You will only get in my way so stay back and out of this, you can join me up to the citadel but you have to wait tell I'm done my fight.” Max said as he took off into a sprint flexing his left arm, it had healed almost perfectly, and he was shocked with that.

Alexis wasn't far behind and she was keeping pace, he had forgotten all the time's he used to race through the forest with her, while he was at the camp and it was still fun. Max got a grin as he remembered how she used to smell back then, and that he once liked her, so as he got to the citadel he stopped, and looked down breathing heavily.

“Well that sure brought back memories there Alexis now didn't it?” Max said as he turned around

“Ye...Yeah” Alexis said gasping for breath

“And now here is where I ask you to wait tell I get back from killing the man” he said as he hugged Alexis and walked inside only to be engulfed by a curtain of Pure Blackness.

As the curtain lifted from his eyes he was standing in the middle of a intersection of two path's and surrounded by what looked like swords and pole arms, daggers, and different variations of every kind, but standing in front of him was a man, around his late teens.

“I assume your the man that was paid to kill me aren't you” Max said with such cocky arrogance it surprised him.as he drew one of his two sword's and pointed it directly at the man, even though he was still about twenty feet away. The wind blew Max's white cloak around, exposing a leather chest piece that looked worn from use and another blade, identical to the one that he had in his hand's

[Lord Anglekos]

The figure that stepped through was taller than Eric, and by his looks a bit older, although he couldn't be sure. The wind blew the man's white cloak around, exposing a leather chest piece that looked worn from use and another blade, identical to the one that (who he presumed to be) Maximillian had so dramatically pointed at him from so far away. "I assume you're the man that was paid to kill me, aren't you?" Max yelled over the desert winds, with a strong voice full of cocky confidence.

Eric sat his bow and quiver full of arrows on the ground, adjusting his sword Amalia at his side as he stood up and slowly began walking towards the guy in the white cloak. At the speed the wind was picking up, those weapons would be useless soon. As soon as he got within ten feet of his opponent, Eric noticed other things about him, like a shock of thick white hair protruding from his scalp, and dark eyes that gleamed from the sun hovering above them in the sky. With his dark skin and white hair, Eric guessed this Maximillian to be a foreigner just like himself.

"No, not to kill you. Just to battle you." He drew his long sword out and held it in one hand out to the side, and beckoned with his other hand at his opponent in a come-on gesture. "Lets just do this, alright? I want to get going. I've got better things to do." Actually he didn't, but he hoped the taunt would provoke this Maximillian into charging. It would tell him something about the other man, whether he did or not.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max smiled as the man spoke and tried to provoke him.

“Provocation's on a day like this really won't work on me” Max said as he drew his other sword and had each one pointing towards the ground on other side of him, as he slowly started walking towards the man.

“I am Maximilian Cannon, ex-member of the Bandit clan Antrio, and I shall stop whatever you have planned in it's tracks” He said as his left hand started glowing with a white light, as he got faster as he approached.

He remembered going up against Eric his ex-clan member and new not to judge a book by it's cover, as well as this man more then likely has other skills besides his obvious swordsmanship and archery. The thing that really worried Max was, did this man have any insane abilities like the big guy he had trained so hard to take out, and had his left arm broken in the process.

“Now if you don't mind you Commoner, I would like to get this over as I have other important things to do as well” he said as he went to swing at him with his left arm purposely making it for a easy block as he dispersed all the mana he had collected creating a bright white light by the man's head.

[Lord Anglekos]

Whatever I have planned? Commoner? Bandits? What the hell is this guy talking about? Eric thought to himself in confusion as Maximillian started monologuing, and for the sake of the battle and politeness, Eric let him. There wouldn't be much talking once the battle started, and if this guy had any personal issues he needed working out beforehand, might as well get them out now. Still, the swordsman couldn't help but feel confused and irritated. This guy obviously didn't get it.

"Look, I don't have anything against you personally, I just--" He was interrupted as Max swung his left sword, the hand holding it glowing with a faint white light, straight at his head. Eyes wide, Eric grit his teeth as he ducked down beneath the blade and heard it hum as it flashed over his head. Oh, so he could talk all he wanted, but when someone else tried to...

"Fine." He growled and, taking his sword in both hands, sprung up towards this Maximillian's face from the ground with a vicious uppercut slash, intending to rip him open from navel to belly. Let him deal with that. "Not my problem, anyways."

[Lady Blackwell]

Max thought the man would block it, instead he ducked and countered, Max hadn't left himself completely defense less, he brought his right sword down to block, and stuck his boot on top to make sure it wouldn't be pushed back, cause if it did, it could prove to be quite bad for him.

As he blocked he brought his other sword down, and brought the sword up so they were both at chest level, Max's swords were in a X as the other Man's sword was in between them pointing towards the sky

“Huh, I didn't mean to cut you off, but I was too close for comfort” Max said as his left hand started to get sweaty and lose grip of the sword as he tried to push the man back with his two sword's.

He sat there, as a gust of wind blew by, knocking over some sword as the two men sat with their swords together. The sand blew into a mini sand tornado behind the man a bit then dis appeared as if they were nothing.

[Lord Anglekos]

There was a flash of steel and light, and suddenly Maximillian's other blade was there, trapping Eric's blade in between them and twisting it so the two warriors were now face to face, blade to blade. The scraping of metal upon metal rang into the air around the two men, until it became a ringing sound that hurt Eric's ears. Damn it! He'd meant to finish this battle off in one blow, but it looked like it wouldn't be so easy. For all his cocky overconfidence, this other man had some skill of his own. Plus, that other blade of his would be troublesome. As long as he had it, he could easily counter Eric's one sword...

But of the moment, Eric seemed to have Maximillian's blades locked in place, so even though his opponent was trying to push him back, he held his ground and thought about what'd he'd seen already. This man seemed to rely on speed, rather than technique, and from what Eric had already seen he had trouble in controlling his attacks; once he started them, he wouldn't be able to stop. Now that was something he could definitely use to his advantage, the swordsman thought.

Now, to break out of this deadlock... Changing his stance and balance of weight, Eric suddenly lifted the hilt of his blade to eye level, bringing the point of his sword to Maximillian's chest in an obvious attempt to pierce the man through. However, this was a feint. He was hoping Max would move back instinctively as he saw Eric trying to run him through. If not, well, then the battle was over before it even began. As it was the wind had already begun picking up more speed, howling now as storm clouds began to gather. I've got to hurry... Thought Eric. He didn't want to be here when the storm truly struck.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max knew that this fight was going to be easy, but the fact that this man had positioned his sword to run him through was either a fluke or a tactic for two thing's one to either make him jump back or two to kill him in one finishing blow.

Max didn't feel like dieing as he jumped back and dropped a sword, it had fallen right out of his left hand when he pushed off the guy's sword.

he stared at it while thinking, if he bent over to pick it up he could be run through from his back or neck. but if he ... he looked to his left and noticed his hand was just inches away from a few swor'd he grabbed the nearest one and swung it around very agile like and with great dexterity as he then looked back at the man.

"I would like to know your name so i can etch it into your tomb stone" he said as he did a spin with each sword at the same time.

[Lord Anglekos]

Eric quickly glanced at the blade that Maximillian had picked up. It was ornately made, with gentle swirls of gold and silver curling around its hilt and up around its blade, but its quality was near nothing to speak of. Even from a few feet away, Eric could see cracks lining the blade, and rust where'd it lay too long here in the sun. Perfect. But before he could get a better look at the blade, the other warrior began spinning both of his blades around dramatically, and with a loud, broad voice stated: "I would like to know your name so I can etch it into your tomb stone."

Tch. Was this guy for real? And didn't he know that those who died in the Citadel just came back to life? Eric made a show of seeming to think, then looked up into the other man's dark eyes with his bright blue ones and gazed at him dispassionately. "No." Eric didn't bother raising his voice, like his opponent had. Either he heard him or not. "I won't die today. Now shut up." With a burst from his stance, as he hadn't lost it during this exchange, Eric twisted his grip on his sword and brought it swinging high into the air in vertical slash. As soon as he knew the blade would reflect the light from the remaining sun into his opponent's eyes, the swordsman activated his power.

Blue light and crackling lightning immediately burst into being around the blade, making an giant ripping sound as Eric put all his strength into this swing. If his opponent tried to block, he knew that it would either break right through that crappy blade he'd picked up, or push the other down and slice right through Maximillian's armor. It'd not been the first time he'd used his power this way. The wind, now whipping around the two almost violently, made Eric's cloak fly into the air like some pair of dark wings, and the cold expression upon his face would strike uncertainty into the most hardened of warriors. It was not rage, or fear, or even apathy. Just sheer, cold determination.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max cracked his neck as his opponent rushed. He was ready or so he thought, as the other man raised his sword into the air, the sun bounced off the sword and almost seemed to scream death into Max's eyes.

Max instinctively brought his two sword's up to block, the sword he had picked out of the ground shattered upon feeling the vibration's of an actual hit. His original sword was barely holding the sword in fact it was slowly giving in. Max threw away the broken blade, as he went to push with two hand's on the one as some kind of blue light Arced from the sword into his shoulder, making him cringe with pain and drop to a knee.

As pain caused a lapse in memory, Max's body took over with instinct, transferring the sword to his good arm and pushed the sword to the side, as he took a step back.

“Hmm, seems you do have some skill after all” Max said as he straightened up and placed his right hand over his left shoulder “I guess I can stop trying to act tough now, and just fight as me.”

“It's clear you are not any kind of opponent to me, just someone who was payed to have a battle” Max pushed mana to his right hand and transferred it to his shoulder, to numb the pain and ease the burn. Once he had thought there was significant decrease in pain he rolled the shoulder making sure it worked just like new before grabbing hold of his last sword with both hand's

he took off from his stance and came from the man's left trying to go for a upper slash as he had thought to grind his sword up the shaft of his opponents and once at the tip quickly come around for another slash from the mans right side.

Max felt a raindrop on his face, as the sword drew ever closer to the man.

[Lord Anglekos]

As storm clouds finally began gathering, blocking out the sun, Maximillian attacked. He'd switched over to using a steel short sword, it seemed, and Eric repressed a grin. Now this was a battle he could win. "C'mon, then." He murmured as Max rushed forward, swinging his blade horizontally at Eric's head. He blocked it and once again the two deadlocked, sparks flying as the metal of their blades grinded together. Rain started to fall, in little drops here and there, splashing across their faces and their clothes as Eric's stoic, calm face gazed into Maximillian's eager, determined one.

This time, it was his opponent that broke the deadlock first, scraping his blade up the side of Eric's before swinging it swiftly in the opposite direction, a horizontal attack at his right side. This time Eric didn't block it; instead, he spun his right foot backwards in a half circle and put his weight on it before spinning around in a blur of black and steel, the tip of Maximillian's blade missing him by an inch. Completing his turn, Eric ending up on Max's right side, with a small amount of effort he sent power flooding through his body, and he knew by the sensations of simultaneously dying and being reborn he felt that he was faster and stronger than before. Blue light covered his entire body and glowed from his eyes in the darkening air, and lightning crackled with ominous intent. Without pausing he took his sword in both hands and used the momentum of his spin and his newfound strength and speed to slash at Maximillian's unprotected back, intending to slice him in half with one fell blow.

And all around them the storm began to grow with alarming alacrity. Lightning flashed with its companion, thunder, following shortly behind.

In case it isn't clear, Eric just activated his "Lightning Rod" ability found in his profile.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max was shocked even his plan's and tactic's just weren't working. He had to come up with another plan fast.

His assailant was now behind him coming at him, the only thing he could do to try and save his life would be to spin on his left foot while moving his sword to try and either block or deflect the enemies sword. Although he really didn't have a choice in the matter.

Max instinctively spun around, and with his momentum deflected his assailant's blow as it ripped a huge tear in his cloak. Normally max would of stopped and complained about his cape but didn't have the time.

He swung his sword up towards the sky trying to cut right through this man's shoulder blade, potentially rendering that arm useless, and turning the tide of the battle to his advantage. Max had an idea to manipulate mana into a pathway and arc the lightning differently then normal but it would take some focusing for him to do it or even attempt it.

So he would have to make this man focus on something else while he tried to channel what mana he could

[Lord Anglekos]

What the hell!? Eric's mind shouted in rage as his opponent somehow managed to deflect his blow, even though the man had supposedly been wide open, but he had no time to be frustrated. He could only hold this form for another forty five seconds or so, and he was already feeling the effects of sending so much power into his body. As the storm picked up with unnatural speed and the sun was blocked out from the swiftly gathering storm clouds, Eric knew that one way or another he'd have to finish this battle off quickly. Otherwise, they were both dead men, and even though they were in the Citadel, he had no intention of dying today.

But even as he finished his spin an idea caught his mind. Now there was something that this man wouldn't expect. Without stopping his movement, he reached out with his left hand and grabbed the shaft of a spear and, not bothering to check it nor its quality, jerked it out of the ground with violent strength and speed. Using his movement to his advantage, he flung himself into a sideways spin that he normally wouldn't even try, as with any other opponent it would leave him wide open. His left arm came around first with the spear point, trying to cut into Maximillian's undefended, and he knew the man would have to block it or avoid it. His right arm came swiftly around as well, and with a burst of will summoned the last his power to it as he'd done before, giving it double the striking power. Whether or not it worked, this was his last shot. His all-or-nothing blow. And it was here that whatever God watching above would decide his fate.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max smirked as the man came at him with a spear pulled out of the ground, and his own sword, from two different direction's.

he didn't have time to try and arc the lightning nor did he have time to dodge, so he did what he could. He put his sword in position to block the spear, as he focused as much mana as he could into his chest, and as fast as he could.

"well it's been good man i don't know" Max said out loud as the man's spear shattered upon impact with his sword, and the man's sword cut deep into Max's side, releasing all the mana he had stored sending it up the sword and right into the other man's body, as Max fell to his knee's

He stared up into the sky with a grin on his face as a flash of lightning ripped through the sky, followed by it's ever elusive friend Thunder, shaking the earth as all the blades and pole arms fell to the ground, as Max's life less corpse hit the sand, sending a cloud of dust and sand up around it.

[Lord Anglekos]

Eric's blade cut straight into Maximillian's side as the spear he was holding shattered, and the swordsman felt a flood of triumph surge through his body just before something went up his glowing sword and into his arm with a bright light. There was a spike of pain and Eric cried out just as lightning flashed amongst the rain, and Amalia dropped to the ground as his arm went completely numb. He stood there over Maximillian's corpse as lightning pierced the clouds and illuminated the sky, the fallen blades and spears and the shape of the body at his feet. Rain slicked his hair until it fell over his face, and as he stood there in the barrage of the storm the glow around his body and from his blue eyes slowly faded away, and he dropped to his knees, panting.

Well, he'd won. But he felt horrible, for some reason. Was he nothing more than a pawn for other's games, an assassin to be hired? Brainless muscle? With these thoughts he grabbed his fallen blade with the arm he could still move and carefully sheathed it before struggling to his feet. "Well..." He spoke softly as he bent over and closed Maximillian's eyes. "You fought well, Maximillian. But in the end, it wasn't enough. May our paths cross again."

As he finished speaking to the corpse upon the ground, a hole ripped into the air before him with a sound that hurt his ears even amongst the storm. He glanced at it before pulling his hood over his head and walking into it, leaving thunder and lightning to continue their deadly dance over the corpse of his former opponent.

As he went through the other inside and into a brightly lit hallway, there was a peculiar sensation that went through his body, and he knew instantaneously that everything had gone back to normal, as if he'd never entered that arena in the first place. To test his theory, he tried moving his formerly numb arm and found it moved. With a grunt of satisfaction he moved out of the way of a burly silver-haired warrior in a black coat and a claymore upon his back. "Excuse me." He looked up at the man as he brushed past him.

The huge man turned and fixed a pair of strange silver orbs upon Eric, and the swordsman shivered at what he saw there. Pure thirst for blood. "What?" The other man snarled.

"Nothing." Eric said quickly. He'd already gotten into one fight and didn't want to start another with this psycho. "You bumped into me is all."

"Deal with it." The other man replied and stepped into the still-open portal just before it closed. Shaking his now-dry head at the other's rudeness, Eric continued through the hall filled with hustle and bustle and through the doorway, where a golden sun awaited his return. Standing off to the side was the man with the bowler hat and the shark smile, and that same smile greeted Eric as he came up to him.

"Congratulations on your win." The man said and handed a sack that jingled with the promise of payment to Eric, who merely glanced at it before attaching it to the belt at his side. Eric said nothing but grunted in acknowledgement before turning away, cloak flaring out behind. However, it seemed the man was not done with him yet. "I have another job for you, if you're--"

"No." Eric cut him off sharply as he walked away. "Find someone else to play your puppet games. I'm through." And with that the swordsman was gone into the streets of Radasanth. With his back turned, however, he didn't see the man turn around and look towards where the silver-eyed man had disappeared, nor hear his next words.

"Find someone else indeed..."

End post. SPOILS: 200 gold from the win.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max awoke as he slowly looked around the room.

it was dull it was grey, and most importantly it was dusty.

Max slowly sat up, and saw his blades beside him and his leather chest piece beside him accompanied by his cape, both looked brand new. Max smirked as he grabbed them and walked out of the room and out of the lobby in just his leather leggings and boot's only to meet the gaze of alexis and another man, wearing a hat which max instantly recognized.

"Rick! Alexis?" Max said as excitement corced threw him "What are you two doing here? i thought you guy's were with ..." Max stopped there and instantly drew one of his sword's and pointed it at Rick's throat.

"Explain now! I had killed Eric and now you guy's show up? what's going on here tell me"

"All in due time, now we need you to come with us to Antrio, it's about Eric and his desertion"

"He had a signed letter from antrio himself he didnt desert"

"He forged that for you to go kill him yourself, now come on there isn't much time left."

As the three old friends walked off Max threw on his leather chest piece, and his cape, and looked down a side street he saw the man he had just fought and smiled remembering he hadn't even put a scratch on him.

Closing Post, no spoils requested,Knowledge Request: Basic knowledge of lightning abilities. (unable to use any myself but i know what it can do on the basic level)

[Taskmienster]

Clash of Blades

Lord Angelkos | Bandit Brother


STORY (17/30)(13.5/30)

~ Continuity ~ {6} {4}
Lord A was the only one that gave me any real feel for continuity. It’s meant as a means of explaining where your character came from, what their intentions are, why they are at the Citadel, and why they are fighting. It’s a means of opening, like a prologue almost, for the pacing, dialogue, persona, and action.

~ Setting ~ {6}{5.5}
Lord A:
You said something about it looking like the Fallien desert, and then changed it so that it had storm clouds that had previously not been a part of the setting. It just seems out of place, though if you had set it up to have a storm brewing at the beginning it would have made more sense. Threw in an extra point because you both used the setting a little with grabbing the weapons.

~ Pacing ~ {6}{5}
Lord A:
“and beckoned with his other hand at his opponent in a come-on gesture.” [3] ~ This is a very cliché thing to do, no offense meant. It’s just that it’s done in almost every anime, street-fighter wanna be, and any thread that you see with people new to writing. I would suggest, for future reference, that instead you could say “, and beckoned [him.]” Then add another line explaining why you would rather them start the fight, either you’re a defensive fighter, or you don’t like starting fights… whatever it is. It plays into the continuity, helps the pacing, and gives a bit of personality to it as well.

Bandit Brother:
“he brought his right sword down to block, and stuck his boot on top to make sure it wouldn't be pushed back, cause if it did, it could prove to be quite bad for him.” [6] ~ This is a very long winded collection of independent and dependent clauses. In a battle, and times when you write, you want to build the suspense. It is really easy to do that with just a single clause sentence, or at times maybe an independent and dependent together. Also; how would you have the time to not only think about blocking with the sword, but lift you foot (causing an unsteady balance) and place it on the back of the swords? That was out of place. (Furthermore: so now you have caught a blade with one of yours, put your boot on the back of the two blades, and then somehow – without moving your boot since it was never written – brought your other blade up to rest on top of the first… not the boot that is actually there?)


CHARACTER (17/30) (13.5/30)

~ Dialogue ~ {6} {4.5}
Lord A:
“"I assume you're the man that was paid to kill me, aren't you?"” [3] ~ When you write dialogue, please don’t write what was just said. The reader just read it, you don’t have to retype it, you can just go on with your reaction to it. At most, I’d suggest that you paraphrase it, throw in a little bit of persona due to how you took it and how you feel about it, and throw something back if you want to. That helps out the persona a lot, as well as the overall dialogue that you write.

It’s also best to write dialogue either at the beginning or end of a paragraph, or completely isolated from the other writing. In the middle it’s hard to pick up at times.

Bandit Brother:
It’s best to not put in a long line or two of dialogue mid-swing or right when you start, or in battle at all. Normally true fighting is grunts at most, unless your character is overly cocksure and has not problem being the guy that everyone hates for taunting while fighting. If that’s so, make it clear and make the reader understand why it’s ok for you to throw out a full sentence JUST as you swing the sword at your opponent for the first time.

~ Action~ {5} {4}
It was alright, but it was hurt by the writing and many mistakes (grammatical or regular RP mistakes).

~ Persona ~ {6}{5}
Hardly none to speak of, I mean, I got a little bit when you acted or reacted, and what I could pull from the dialogue, but otherwise Lord A was the only one to give me any… which was almost an indirect result of the powergaming and godmoding that Bandit did.


WRITING STYLE (19/30)(8.5/30)

~ Technique ~ {5}{2}

Lord A:
“The wind blew the man's white cloak around, exposing a leather chest piece that looked worn from use and another blade, identical to the one that…” [3] ~ You repeated, almost verbatim, what was just said. Try to at least change it a little bit, so that it doesn’t stand out as much.

Bandit Brother:
“a flash of lightning ripped through the sky, followed by it's ever elusive friend Thunder,” [14] ~ Umm… Thunder is far less ‘elusive’ than lightning is. As you can hear thunder even if you don’t see lighting, but you never see lightning without thunder.

~ Mechanics ~ {7}{3.5}
Bandit Brother:
“He Spun around and saw it was one of the old members from his bandit clan and instinctively drew his sword but decided not too” [2] ~ Spun shouldn’t be capitalized. After that you say ‘instinctively drew his sword, which implies that you did so, but then you contradict yourself with ‘decided not [to]’.

You have a bad habit of not capitalizing the beginning of every sentence, run the post through a word processor or an online check and it’ll catch those. It also helps just to read over those and check them by eye after you write them, or while you are writing them.

There are also points where you forgot to punctuate the sentence, again just read over it, maybe give yourself a little bit of time before you come back to check it so that it’s not fresh on your mind. I find that when you check it just after you write it mentally you tend to make automatic corrections as you go through it, or skip parts because you know what they say… without actually correcting the mistakes.

A couple words spelt wrong, like ‘tell’ instead of ‘till’, which reads better anyway as ‘until’.

“Max said with such cocky arrogance it surprised him.as he drew one of his two sword's and pointed it directly at the man, even though he was still about twenty feet away.” [2] ~ This is a run-on. First, it should not have that period in there after ‘him’ and before ‘as’. Secondly; you can remove the ‘as’ and leave the period to create a less run-on, which would start with “He drew…” It makes it two sentences that flow much better.

“He remembered going up against Eric his ex-clan member and new not to judge a book by it's cover, as well as this man more then likely has other skills besides his obvious swordsmanship and archery.” [4] ~ Very long run-on, with spelling mistakes, as well as missing commas.

~ Clarity ~ {7}{3}
Bandit Brother:
“Max knew that this fight was going to be easy, but the fact that this man had positioned his sword to run him through was either a fluke or a tactic for two thing's one to either make him jump back or two to kill him in one finishing blow.” [8] ~ This is not a paragraph, is a very long run-on sentence. Second thing to note, how would you know that it’s not a real attack? People do thrust. Perhaps if you had wrote that it was the sword he was using, its shape, what tactics that he had used previously, and combination of things to give reason and clarify how you knew, it would have made sense. In its current state, it is godmoding.

“Max pushed mana to his right hand and transferred it to his shoulder, to numb the pain and ease the burn.” [10] ~ You don’t have this ability, it’s powergaming.


WILD CARD!!! {5}{0}
Bandit you get 0 due to the notes made above.

General Notes


TOTAL
(59/100)(36.5/100)


GAINS/REWARDS!

Lord Angelkos: 545 exp | 250 gold [small bonus. ]

Bandit Brother: 90 exp | 75 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!