Shadowed
05-18-09, 02:17 AM
This was a dream I had last night. It was surreal, and so sad it nearly broke my heart writing it out.
With a soft padding of feet on the wooden floor, I make my way quietly down the hall, pausing for a moment before her door. It’s open a crack; there is light shining through, and the faint sound of music. Outside, the rain beats gently against the walls, forming a primal rhythm that resonates with the beating of my heart. I slowly open the door, my breath catching in my lungs at the fear of what I might find. She is dying, and may have already passed…though I, too, am dying, and am yet still here.
She is lying on her side, a light blanket over her still form; her skin is cold, yet her face remains beautiful. With a start, I realize that her chest is still faintly moving. She has not yet been taken from me, though it is clear that she does not have long to remain. Without a sound, I crawl into the bed with her, placing an arm across her stomach, yearning for the touch of her body, for the warmth that I once knew. I cannot seem to remember why it is that we share this tormented fate, though it is so inevitable as to stay my questioning. It is enough that we are here.
My breath comes in shallow gasps. I gently kiss her neck, struggling to whisper what could be my final words, knowing that she can hear them despite my own shortcomings. She smiles at me, and my heart breaks. Her eyes smile at mine, and I know that she is still with me. The fear that had been clawing at my belly does not leave, but is somehow placated; throughout my life, I have not feared death, knowing that when it comes to take me, it will be the end to my sorrows. No inner peace, no afterlife…just rest. Sleep eternal. Yet as my mortality rises above my weighted shoulders, rearing its head in daft refutation to my every conscious thought, I am nervous. I feel fear, for the first time since my childhood, so many years ago.
I do not know how long I have wandered the halls of my sullen abode, mourning the loss of my own life even before that fateful hand is dealt. I have walked for miles through these same corridors, stalking for hours, days, perhaps weeks through one denial after the next. It was not until I realized that she was alone, and had possibly left without me, that I settled down to wait. So here I lay, on the firing line of mortal thought, knowing that my smile is uncertain and my hands will not stop shaking. Random muscles twitch about in a maniacal race, while my heart beats erratically. Perhaps this is it; the final passage of a boy too young to know his own worth.
As my eyes begin to close, my thoughts drift to family, friends, and the various acquaintances of a lifetime. While I feel sadness that I did not have the chance to say goodbye, it is with a detached state that I remember their faces; already the veil is covering my eyes, rendering this quiet room in shades of grey. Involuntarily, my arm tightens around her stomach. She does not mind, however; she has already faded into the night, dead within my arms without so much as a thought.
My mind grows heavy with sadness that I was not aware of the transition, that I was perhaps unable to ease the passage between this world and the blackness of the hereafter. Yet my own recriminations fall short, bearing my own mind away swiftly to that sullen realm, to sleep for an eternity. As my life fades away, my last thought is that I did not let her go; she is still within my arms, her mortal shell safe in mine, for whatever may come.
With a soft padding of feet on the wooden floor, I make my way quietly down the hall, pausing for a moment before her door. It’s open a crack; there is light shining through, and the faint sound of music. Outside, the rain beats gently against the walls, forming a primal rhythm that resonates with the beating of my heart. I slowly open the door, my breath catching in my lungs at the fear of what I might find. She is dying, and may have already passed…though I, too, am dying, and am yet still here.
She is lying on her side, a light blanket over her still form; her skin is cold, yet her face remains beautiful. With a start, I realize that her chest is still faintly moving. She has not yet been taken from me, though it is clear that she does not have long to remain. Without a sound, I crawl into the bed with her, placing an arm across her stomach, yearning for the touch of her body, for the warmth that I once knew. I cannot seem to remember why it is that we share this tormented fate, though it is so inevitable as to stay my questioning. It is enough that we are here.
My breath comes in shallow gasps. I gently kiss her neck, struggling to whisper what could be my final words, knowing that she can hear them despite my own shortcomings. She smiles at me, and my heart breaks. Her eyes smile at mine, and I know that she is still with me. The fear that had been clawing at my belly does not leave, but is somehow placated; throughout my life, I have not feared death, knowing that when it comes to take me, it will be the end to my sorrows. No inner peace, no afterlife…just rest. Sleep eternal. Yet as my mortality rises above my weighted shoulders, rearing its head in daft refutation to my every conscious thought, I am nervous. I feel fear, for the first time since my childhood, so many years ago.
I do not know how long I have wandered the halls of my sullen abode, mourning the loss of my own life even before that fateful hand is dealt. I have walked for miles through these same corridors, stalking for hours, days, perhaps weeks through one denial after the next. It was not until I realized that she was alone, and had possibly left without me, that I settled down to wait. So here I lay, on the firing line of mortal thought, knowing that my smile is uncertain and my hands will not stop shaking. Random muscles twitch about in a maniacal race, while my heart beats erratically. Perhaps this is it; the final passage of a boy too young to know his own worth.
As my eyes begin to close, my thoughts drift to family, friends, and the various acquaintances of a lifetime. While I feel sadness that I did not have the chance to say goodbye, it is with a detached state that I remember their faces; already the veil is covering my eyes, rendering this quiet room in shades of grey. Involuntarily, my arm tightens around her stomach. She does not mind, however; she has already faded into the night, dead within my arms without so much as a thought.
My mind grows heavy with sadness that I was not aware of the transition, that I was perhaps unable to ease the passage between this world and the blackness of the hereafter. Yet my own recriminations fall short, bearing my own mind away swiftly to that sullen realm, to sleep for an eternity. As my life fades away, my last thought is that I did not let her go; she is still within my arms, her mortal shell safe in mine, for whatever may come.