The Graveyard of Lost Ships (closed)

[Ailnea]

It was a warm day out, but she couldn’t tell. Ailnea was deep within the monastery of the Aibrone monks. The Monastery itself was inside The Citadel, where people from all walks of life, and occasion, death, took part in impressive battles to test their skill. The premise was simple. The monks invited anyone who dared to enter an arena and give the monks a good show of their skills, all without any lasting risk or penalty, besides any damage the ego might suffer from a loss. This was because beyond the occasional zombie or other undead contender, death held no power in The Citadel, for the monks possessed the secret of Resurrection, and healing powers that could not be matched the world over.

It was those powers of healing Ailnea was here to learn, inside the monastery, for she was a monk of Aibrone. She was only an initiate, but she held promise. Presently she was meditating in the inner cloister, trying to focus her mind. Her thoughts were scattered, drifting from a pleasant summer day spent contemplating the meaning of life in the shade of a big oak tree, to a night on top of a mountain taking in the beauty of the stars and wondering what they were like up close.

Ailnea was a peaceful woman, who recently achieved her first Evolution. All Aibrone monks were beyond the myriad species of Althanas, it was the true secret of their power, evolution, becoming more than what they once were. Ailnea’s evolution gifted her with the powers of speed. It lead to her becoming impatient, wanting to get things done quickly. Meditating was simply taking to long. She was too full of energy, to full of life to simply concentrate.

Pounding her fist on the carpeted floor, she left the monastery all together, and stopped a passing monk.

“I want a battle. I want to test one of our visitors personally. I don’t care who. Give us a challenging arena.” She said.

~~~

Ailnea looked over the railing of the ship. It was sailing along gracefully, a full wind pushing it along. The sun was directly overhead, just as it was ouutside The Citadel, High Noon. It sliced through the waves, a picture of perfection. She looked at the skeletons sailing the ship. She had of course heard of a skeleton crew, but did not think it was a literal term. She had to worry about their skill, as they were sailing right into a storm.

Suddenly lightning flickered as the storm building in the distance over took the ship. Thunder rumbled a dire warning as the wind picked up. The small waves became oceanic mountains and crashed over the ship. A hurricane formed and threw the ship up in the air and hurled it back down. Thankfully, Ailnea blacked out at that point, but when she woke up, she wished she had specified something a little more pleasant.

Ships and their parts were scattered everywhere, the only sight beyond endless ocean reflecting the bright sun and clear sky in every direction. Only the prow of the ship she was on stuck out of the water and upon this she lay, soaking wet, and thoroughly chilled. Thank goodness she wasn’t wearing her robes or amulet. No, she was wearing her leather pants and loose fitting yellow top that the clerk she got it from assured her was called a blouse. It clung to her skin at the moment, and she discovered that when it was wet, it was not concealing in the slightest and showed off everything north of her pants. She made a mental note to avoid getting wet when not wearing her robes, or wear something else beneath it.

Well, if her opponent was a man, his day would certainly be made. She got up and walked on the sunken ships. Stairs lead down into their holds and lower decks, which were half filled with water. It was like one massive partially submerged maze. Parts of decks formed walkways between ships, just sturdy enough to support one or two people.

Something about this place seemed familiar, and suddenly she realized this arena was a carefully duplicated piece of lore commonly told and retold by sailors, pirate or otherwise. There was a place called The Graveyard of Lost Ships. When the ocean claims a ship as her own; she keeps them all to herself in a place no sailor has ever found. Most simply refer to it as The Graveyard, and everyone agrees there has to be the fortune of several countries buried somewhere in The Graveyard.

Ailnea smiled and hoped her opponent had a pirate background, as only a pirate could fully appreciate this arena.

[oblueknighto]

Blue got up from his bed in a local inn. He had spent his day in Radasanth where everything was busy, he got to know the place and it seemed pretty pleasant for him. Especially the arena, it seemed very unique in a sense as it is perfectly normal for people to fight there.

Blue planned to get into a match today just to see what style people fought with, it seemed very interesting really. He hopped off his bed and put on some clothes and of course chose which masks he was going to wear for the day. He put on a black mask made out of a cloth he did not recognize. He had some light soup for breakfast and set off for his challenging day at the arena.

Blue approached the building with his bow tightly strapped to his back and his arrows crossing over the bow, all arrows accounted for. He pressed his hand onto his knife and felt it's cold metal sting against his fingers. He started contemplating about the battle, I have always hated being an elf, everybody always expected more of me, but I wouldn't ever give up, I will always deny they expectations and go beyond them. Even if this is my first battle in a while, I shall still win. I will beat whoever I have come to meet. It would be a given as usual.

Blue stood in front of the towering building then stepped in, his battle had already begun. He entered his battle not knowing who is opponent is, what field of choice the opponent had picked but he was sure that this would be a long day, at least it would seem that way. He then approached one of the monks which he were almost acting as personal tour guides in the Citadel.

Blue spoke, "May I inquire where I could find a fight?", talking to the monk with a monotone voice not to give away anything about himself.

"You can find a fight anywhere, if you would like me to guide you to a battlefield then I would gladly do so."

Blue thought about this, maybe I should just get into a fight and see what happens later, I've never heard of anybody who has actually died in an arena so I guess it's okay. He replied to the monk, "I would like you to guide me to a battlefield, thank you.", again in a voice that made it seem like the world was made up of grey matter.

Blue was being led to a battlefield by the monk in a very inconspicuous way but on the way he was thinking about the prizes they gave you if you won, some people in the city were talking about it while he was in the way there. Maybe I will get a new bow or maybe something even better like money, now that was a prize to fight for, wait that is exactly what I'm doing.

Blue was led to a portal or gateway of some kind but when he looked through and what he saw was a shipwrecking site, ships simply knocking against each other, it was highly suspicious, ships don't just crash randomly and even if they did they wouldn't just clump up together to make some kind of fortress on ships. It's really impossible for ships not to drift away on the wave, but this battlefield seemed suitable for him, he had lived around ships for most of his life and liked the idea of fighting on them, they rocked, they moved and they always scared the hell out of annoying people.

Blue stepped through the gateway and heard the monk mutter some words, "I hope you good luck with defeating that nun. She's really weird.", then he suddenly appeared standing on the mast of a ship, he looked around but only saw one person he looked at his enemy, why did it have to be a women of all things, those people didn't fight fair, all the women I had ever fought had either ran away or asked for somebody's help, then he realized something, there was nobody to help her, and also nowhere for her to run so maybe this might just be some fun after all. He surprised that he was still balancing perfectly fine on the mast.

Blue looked around closely at all the ships crashing slowly building up this battlefield, he looked at all the ships crash upon each other and thought about it for a moment, if they can make this all so real using magic then why don't they use this power to destroy all the ships and pirates in this world, this was almost a paradise for pirates. There were ships, obviously a lot of loot and quite some liquor in all these ships. Why did they made this battlefield so easy for me to navigate with ships around yet the reminded me of how much I hate all pirates and any of their kind. Stupid Sam.

Blue was always a person of formality and flashy introductions so grabbed a clip arrow and found a piece of parchment in his backpack and he wrote on it,

Dear lady,

I have been chosen to fight you in this very stormy and windy terrain of shipwrecks, I have seen that you are well prepared for this fight with absolutely nothing but your hands and feet. I would like to inform you that my name is Blue and I hope you have a good fight. This is just a warning so that you know that I am located on this battlefield already, no chivalry involved, just my personal pride.

Masked Mercenary,
Blue

, then he clipped the parchment onto the arrow fired the arrow so it would land right in front of the women. It wasn't his fault if it landed on her head or even if it pierced her eyes. It was all a matter of her decision if it she moved or not, but if she didn't then obviously it would land right in front of her seeming to her as if it came from directly above. This effect was easily achieved as the wind was raging and the waves were crashing, the ships and boats were rocking so it was pretty much simplicity for somebody masterful at the bow.

[Ailnea]

Ailnea arched an eyebrow as the man she could plainly see fired an arrow at her feet. She picked it up and read it.

“I’m neither blind nor stupid you know, and I assure you I have no mental problems either. I did watch you come in after all.” She shouted across the arena to the man.

There were fallen masts making a sort of bridge between the two. On this she climbed moving closer to him.

Times like this I wish I had a bow, or at least a magic spell of some sort. This is very slippery hope I don’t fall.

Of course right after she thought that, she fell into the water with a splash.

Once underwater, she could make out submerged openings to the ships. Illusionary treasure beckoned, promising untold wealth. Yet it was all false, and as soon as the battle ended, it would all disappear.

She chose a likely opening that might lead her to her opponent and swam in, hoping to sneak up on him from behind, appreciating the distinct lack of aquatic life that would likely be present in a real location such as this.

Coming up for air in the hold, she spied a door she could just barely climb to, and began to move towards it.

[oblueknighto]

The women had been very cheeky as Blue knew women as, she had mocked him, somehow she spotted him even though he was wearing full black with only parts of his face revealed, it was almost as if the arena was designed so that people could easily see each other. She had fell off a bridging mast that had been crushed almost a little more flat then Blue thought, How didn't she make that crossing, she must have dropped on purpose. I must relocate myself as soon as I can, giving myself a clear angle from wherever she emerged from, holes in ships were very dangerous.

Blue jumped off the mast grabbed onto a rope and swung onto another ship, he thought this ship would give him have a good shot at wherever she emerged from, hopefully. This ship had nothing connecting to it via overground means but it probably had areas on the hull that were pierced. He climbed onto the captains’ deck which was the highest place on this apparent ship; the deck top was black so he could blend in perfectly. It seemed to Blue that the women she had no ranged weapon so this was very advantageous for him. Wherever she emerged from, Blue was prepared, and had his bow strung in front of him, nocking an arrow onto the bow rest.

He looked around, there were three ships that were close to this one, he had a good shot at all of them, as soon as he saw anything that was out of colour and didn't blend in he would shoot and nock another arrow. If she tried to swing onto the ship he could easily shoot her, her yellow top would give her away easily like the ugly duckling. Then he thought about his real position in this fight, hopefully I haven't lost my touch.

[Ailnea]

Ailnea climbed out of the hold and looked around. Her opponent, Blue, was no longer up on the mast where he once was. In irritation, she shook her fist at the mast as though it were somehow the mast’s fault. Of course where she was, she was well hidden too, beside a small mound of fallen crates.

Cautiously, she grabbed a crate, and after deciding the first one was too heavy, grabbed a lighter, though smaller one, and carried it in front of her as a sort of shield as she stepped out sideways to peak over its top to see if she could see Blue hiding anywhere.

“I’m going to see him, dodge anything he fires at me, and run up to him so fast he won’t be able to do anything. That’s the plan at least. Still wishing I had a ranged attack, not that anyone’s listening. It’d be nice if he’d play fair and put down his bow. I won’t kill him, slowly. I’ll make sure it’s nice and quick, unless he keeps shooting at me, then I’m simply going to drown him.” Ailnea thought to herself as she stepped out looking for Blue.

Idly she hoped he wasn’t on the black ship on the far opposite side of the arena, it was the tallest vantage point, and she wouldn’t be able to see him at all.

[oblueknighto]

Blue was scouting around the ships knowing that he would be a difficult target to trace so he was in prone with his bow lying in position, arrow readily nocked. He saw a flicker of abrupt movement appear on the deck of the boat he had come out of the portal from, in that instant he took aim and fired his first arrow at an arching angle to be land around at a 60 degree angle then grabbed another next arrow for clean shot where he could actually hit. Blue took a better look and saw that she was behind a crate, a small crate where he could still hit her with his arrows around her upper body.

As the first arrow was still airborne took another shot at the women he took the match to. As he took aim for her head with his second arrow he watched for her actions and anticipated her reactions against the first arrow, was she a runner or was she going to engage him in combat readily. He then fired his second arrow knowing that she could simply move out of the way if she was not so much distracted with the first arrow, then he waited for a gust of wind to come, changing the position of the ships blowing against the water, going with the flow.

The ships were moving so thus he waited lying down staring at the women.

[Ailnea]

Ailnea dropped the crate and ran back into the ship out of the line of fire, yet the second arrow grazed her shoulder, opening a slight wound. She move back towards the door and shouted across the way to her opponent.

“I don’t have ranged attacks you know. No magic, no bows, nothing. So why don’t you put that bow up and come fight me like a man, or are you so frightened at the thought of getting beaten by an undressed woman that you hide far away in cowardice?” she asked while removing her clothes.

While wet, her clothes were far too restricting to move properly, and having grown up in bathrooms undivided by gender, the concept of appearing naked before a strange man she hadn’t met before was not a foreign one. After all, it’s not like they were going to do anything besides try to kill each other.

She stepped back out, able to move much more freely, her right hand on her hip in a fist, her left hanging by her side.

“Now that those restrictive things are gone come get me in melee combat if you think your man enough, or are you so lacking in masculinity that nude women frighten you?” she called out, trying her level best to goad him into a fair fight.

[oblueknighto]

Blue was surprised at the actions of such women, she was trying to coax him into close combat but he clearly knew that he was disadvantaged in this suite so he replied in a fair tone smiling, "Hahaha, I would laugh at how funny you are, a women who removes her clothes in a fight. You are funny person but your reasoning is flawed as you know almost nothing of me, you have asked to fight fair but all who do know that I never fight fair. An advantage is t....", he spoke slowly as he prepared his bow ready to fire. The waves had stopped and the ship came to a stop, a perfect chance to kill the women.

Blue had been observing the wave patterns all this time as it was revealed when he ended his sentence prematurely by firing an arrow straight at her chest, he took the initiative as she requested something, yet he denied. All he wanted a good fight, but this women ruined his attitude towards the Citadel, he thought ...it would contest of fully fledged fighters who are all experienced in combat. Clearly this women had the wrong attitude to fighting, fighting is not fair and it never will be. A fair fight is no longer a fight, it is simply a sport people expect to compete in.

Blue thought that he would have caught the women off guard but he had to make the most of this chance while she was unguarded. He fired another arrow and then simply hoped that this fight would end already. He then got up and then crouched down so he could rest his bow on his thigh. Still watching as he hoped for the women to fall. He then realized that the women may have been taken to believe that he was a fair man because of his first greeting, Blue then was pondering on that when the results came to him....

[Ailnea]

Ailnea listened to his words. She had tried to get him to fight fairly, honorably. She even tried to make it interesting for him, while removing a disadvantage. She saw the faint line of an arrow coming at her and dodged back inside. Gathering her clothes, she faced a wall of the inside of the ship.

“Fine, if he won’t give me the satisfaction of a fair and honorable fight where I might be on even terms with him, then I won’t give him satisfaction of killing me. I resign from this fight. Let me out.” Ailnea declared firmly. A door appeared in the wall, an exit from the arena, and Ailnea left.

Blue got the experience of watching an arena end its functions and revert to the neutral stone room that was its default state between matches.

The Ocean began to boil and evaporate, as the ships sank around him. Everything became insubstantial, and blue would find himself lost in a gray fog. Shortly it solidified into four blank walls, jointed with the ceiling and wall perfectly as though the whole room had been carved from a single massive stone. There was utterly no trace of the ocean or ships upon which they had been fighting.

There was a single open door contained an elderly monk.

“Your opponent has left the match, you win by default. Not as satisfying as other sorts of wins, but then this wasn’t a very satisfying match. No one is at fault; it was merely the workings of chance. A ranged fighter will always win over a melee fighter, if there is sufficient distance between the two. No matter how she moved, you would’ve had her beaten, and if she snuck in the underwater entrances, you would’ve moved far away. You had a field advantage. Eventually you will fight her again. Here, or somewhere else. I have seen what is to come. When next your paths cross, she will be a far more interesting opponent than she was now. As you have sustained no injury, you may leave under your own power, unless you wish to wait for another opponent.”

As for Ailnea, she was back in the hidden inner monastery where Blue couldn’t follow her. In anger she paced back and forth in her room. She hated being humiliated like that. Today was no good for learning anything, she was too angry. She headed back out and entered a private training arena within the monastery, determined to work out her frustrations while her clothes dried.

[oblueknighto]

Blue was still disappointing, yet kind of appreciative respected the woman's resolve, she wanted to fight a fair match, but as she knew the result of the battle she left, clearly knowing her position in that battle. Had it been a different arena he is aware that he would be the disadvantaged one, but this is an arena where you fight to win, not fight for for sport. Too bad she had not given her name, it is a shame really.

Blue replied to the elderly monk in a way not to suggest any emotion, "I still preferr this over a win against somebody who does not even try to approach me, she could find methods of defeating me. I thought this would be a challenge but I must say that what I found was an opponent who wasn't experienced of fight, disappointing really."

Blue then was too annoyed over this that he wanted to exit the Citadel as soon as he could so he asked the monk for his rewards, "I have heard that after a win at the Citadel you can receive rewards, may I inquire what rewards you would gladly give out, if any?"

Blue thought that if he received a gift of some sort he would at least feel a little better about having his time wasted in this kind of arena. He then went into his trail of thought where he wondered, would I get a reward? I really hope I do, that would actually encourage me to come back to the Citadel again at least for benefits of some kind. Would I get a bow or maybe some gloves. Hmmm, I guess I don't actually wear any armour so that would be good too, I wonder. Still, I do hope for a reward, then my presence here would not have been a complete waste.

If you have noticed I have actually stated the character's name at the start of every single sentence, that was just a habit of mine from posting on other RP forums with their unique rules and stuff. Thanks you giving a care. The reason I did not have any relation of Peck in this RP is because I thought he was not needed for a fight, especially because it will be really cheap to be able to find an enemy wherever they are, whenever they are there.
Ailnea, is this the end of the RP or should I still make another post?

[Taskmienster]

The Graveyard of Lost Ships:

I was asked to give full commentary. I’ll be making notes in the sections, and then will have the notes posted after the judgment. If you have questions, comments, or concerns feel free to PM me. Ailnea’s scores will be first, Oblue will be second.

Continuity 4 | 3

Oblue:
Why are you interested in other people’s fighting styles? Is it something that you are researching, just a hobby of yours that you’re interested in, or something else? The reason you go to the Citadel is they WHY you are in the thread that you should answer. After that you should concentrate on WHO the character is. What is their background? Where did they come from? Why are they in Corone or the Citadel?

Ailnea:
There are a lot of things that you could expound upon in order to give the reader a lot more insight into who the character is. As the reader I have no clue what the ‘evolution’ is that you talk about, why the monks are apparently different than common humans, and the like. I’d suggest you take the time to explain what you mean, what’s happened prior to this thread, and what everything you’re writing means.

Setting 4 | 3

Ailnea:
Your writing style seems to be giving the reader nothing but the visual aspect of the setting. There are a lot of other things that should be taken into account, especially when you are writing in such a lively setting. The scents, sounds, feelings, and tastes of the world around you add a lot to the setting, as well as to your action and persona. The way you react to the movement of the ship, how your character feels about it, all of that can be added to the setting and in turn help out with the way your personality is displayed.

Oblue:
When you write setting, be sure to do so boldly and proudly. Don’t be afraid to say what something looks like, as long as it’s not previously set up by your opponent you shouldn’t worry about telling the reader how things appear. Also, if your opponent already set something up before you, such as the overall setting of the battle, tell the reader something that hasn’t been given to them yet. Your character’s opinions, personal background regarding the setting, and how you view it all go into setting.

Pacing 3 | 2.5

Ailnea:
Using a lot of single sentence paragraphs cuts the flow of the story by a lot. Try and string them together, combine like thoughts, and flesh out your writing a little more so that you can push the pacing to your liking… instead of your short sentences pushing it against what you want.

The way you ended the fight was immature, about as immature as I’ve seen from anyone. Just throwing a fit and quitting is no way to win over the reader… since it’s out of character, sudden, boring, and takes away all previous reasons why you would have been in the Citadel fight to begin with. If you’re not getting the results you want, grow up and deal with it and continue on. If there is something that doesn’t work for you that your opponent is doing, then by all means talk to them. If they’re not responsive to your problems, continue on and make a note for the mod. By no means should you throw a fit and quick a fight. If I let my bias towards your final post come into the score you’d have a 0 for Pacing and Wild Card just for that. After days of working on this judgment, reading your battle, I get to the 9th post and wonder… why did I read that much and put that much into the judgment? You want a detailed judgment for your tantrum, that’s just counterproductive. You’re not going to learn anything by quitting when you could be writing to get better, and then telling the staff that you want details.

Oblue:
You do A LOT of things in some posts, far too many for one person. The pacing is what’s affected the most, since a lot of what’s written is narrative that’s just too much at once, confusing, and very unclear. Take your time to edit your posts, read it aloud and make sure that it makes sense, and then post it. Try not to clump together a lot of stuff at once, but spread it out and make it more full so that it’s not just the reader trying to understand one thing before being hit with another, and another, and another.

It seems that the entire reason you can to the Citadel was to be rewarded with something… and the last post of the thread was almost purely dedicated to getting something. It’s like you posted more about what you were going to be given for an unfinished match than you were about your first fight in the Citadel, the magics that were completely ignored at the end, or what you got purpose wise from the fight at the end.

Dialogue 5 | 4.5

Oblue:
When you write dialogue, make sure that it’s not within a paragraph. It should either be at the beginning of a paragraph, and then you continue on with the writing. At the end of the narrative, placing the dialogue as the last thing in the paragraph, or set apart completely. Otherwise, despite that you have it in bold, it can be read wrong or cause confusion with the judge or reader. This goes for both internal dialogue and spoke word.

Action 2 | 4

Oblue:
Remember when you’re writing to put things in the right order of when they happened compared to other things. I’ll go into more detail in the notes at the end, but at one point you said you entered the battle, but then immediately go on to say that you talked to a monk before entering to look for a fight.

Persona 3 | 4

Ailnea:
There were more than a few times when your character portrayal was oddly different than what your character is portrayed as at other times. It’s like you haven’t quite gotten the feel for how the character acts, or what they feel about the world around them. I’ve written advice for both of you below.

Both of you:
I think the best thing to do when writing, though this might be something that’s easier said than done (or something that only I do), is really get in the mindset of the character. If you want them to act a certain way, think a certain way, and feel a certain way try and really get into the character. Put yourself in their place, and think of the way they would act and keep it consistent.

Technique 4 | 3

Oblue:
You start almost every paragraph with “Blue”… which is a pet-peeve of mine as well as a literary thing you should avoid. There are millions of other words you could potentially use, which won’t make that stand out. I saw your note at the end, but when I started reading it again after not looking at it for a bit, it was something that stood out A LOT. Try and use something else, please.

You also have a few times when you switched tense. Try and remain in the first person, or third person tense, past or present. In formal writing that’s a huge thing, on Althanas we just tend to make notes about it when we see it.

Mechanics 6 | 3

Oblue:
You have a lot of grammatical mistakes that could be easily taken care of with either a word processor of some kind, or simply by reading over your posts. The best thing, as far as I’ve found at least, is that after you have finished, go back and read the post. Edit what you can when you’re done with it, then post it. After that, give yourself some time so that the post’s not fresh in your head, and then go back and look it over again. I find that when a person writes, they automatically tend to make the corrections to their writing mentally without physically changing the post. That leads to the multiple errors, and in turn to the lower score. In this thread I saw comma issues, capitalization issues, run-on sentences, and other punctuation things to start. I’ll make notes to explain all of those.

Clarity 6 | 3

Wild Card 4 | 5

Score:

Ailnea: 41

oblueknighto: 35

Rewards:

Ailnea: 450 exp | 50 gold

oblueknighto: 100 exp | 25 gold

[Taskmienster]

Expanded Notes by Post

I’m not going to go through every post, just the first two posts by either of you. If you’d like more, just send me a message and I’ll help out. But there is really the same thing to cover over the other posts as what I covered over the first two for either of you.




“The Monastery itself was inside The Citadel, where people from all walks of life, and occasion, death, took part in impressive battles to test their skill.”

~~ In this post you have “walks of life, and occasion, death, took part…” That part stands out because death is out of place. It would look better taking that word out completely. “from all walks of life[] and occasion [] took part in impressive…”

“for the monks possessed the secret of Resurrection, and healing powers that could not be matched the world over.”

~~ Resurrection should not be capitalized.

“Presently she was meditating in the inner cloister, trying to focus her mind.” ~~ Presently implies present tense in a selection of past tense writing.

“Ailnea was a peaceful woman, who recently achieved her first Evolution.”
~~ Evolution shouldn’t be capitalized. It’s also a way to help the reader understand the continuity, that was not written out enough for anyone to understand what the meaning of “evolution” was.

“All Aibrone monks were beyond the myriad species of Althanas, it was the true secret of their power, evolution, becoming more than what they once were.”

~~ Why are monks different than other races? How are they different? Wouldn’t they just be humans who have illusionary and healing magic? Nothing was specified enough for me as a reader to understand why this passage was true.

” Meditating was simply taking to long. She was too full of energy, to full of life to simply concentrate.”

~~ “to” should be “too”; There are also 4 to’s in this, in one form or another, and you have used “simply” twice in the same manner in back to back sentences (which is a small pet peeve of mine). You can rephrase things easily to get around that and not make it stand out for the reader.

“The sun was directly overhead, just as it was ouutside The Citadel, High Noon.”

~~ “outside” is spelt wrong, too many u’s; you don’t need to capitalize High Noon either.

“She had to worry about their skill, as they were sailing right into a storm.”

~~ “She had to” is a past perfect simple tense which is completely different than the rest of the tense used which is simple past tense.

“Thank goodness she wasn’t wearing her robes or amulet.”

~~ It’s best to avoid contractions when you write, like “wasn’t” or “aren’t”.

“No, she was wearing her leather pants and loose fitting yellow top that the clerk she got it from assured her was called a blouse.” ~~ You could remove the “no” and it would be something semi-formal writing instead of informal.






“ I have always hated being an elf, everybody always expected more of me, but I wouldn't ever give up, I will always deny they expectations and go beyond them. Even if this is my first battle in a while, I shall still win. I will beat whoever I have come to meet. It would be a given as usual.”

~~ When you write dialogue, either internal or spoken, you should put all dialogue surrounded by quotes.

“Blue stood in front of the towering building then stepped in, his battle had already begun. He entered his battle not knowing who is opponent is, what field of choice the opponent had picked but he was sure that this would be a long day, at least it would seem that way. He then approached one of the monks which he were almost acting as personal tour guides in the Citadel.

~~ “not knowing who [his] opponent [was],” helps this make sense instead of the way that it was originally phrased. “…monks which he were almost acting…” should be “…monks which [][where] almost acting…”

Blue spoke, "May I inquire where I could find a fight?", talking to the monk with a monotone voice not to give away anything about himself.”

~~~~ In this part of your opening post you say that you went into the battle, but then the beginning of the next paragraph and what follows is you finding the battle and getting into it. The way it’s set up you were in the battle area, asked a monk to help you find a battle, then went in again…

“Blue thought about this, maybe I should just get into a fight and see what happens later, I've never heard of anybody who has actually died in an arena so I guess it's okay.”

~~ Again, internal dialogue should be in quotes.

“Maybe I will get a new bow or maybe something even better like money, now that was a prize to fight for, wait that is exactly what I'm doing.”

~~ Same thing as above, quotes necessary.

“Blue was led to a portal or gateway of some kind but when he looked through and what he saw was a shipwrecking site, ships simply knocking against each other, it was highly suspicious, ships don't just crash randomly and even if they did they wouldn't just clump up together to make some kind of fortress on ships. It's really impossible for ships not to drift away on the wave, but this battlefield seemed suitable for him, he had lived around ships for most of his life and liked the idea of fighting on them, they rocked, they moved and they always scared the hell out of annoying people.”

~~ This paragraph is just two run-on sentences. Try and split up the passage, so that it’ll be easier to read and follow grammatical rules.

“Blue stepped through the gateway and heard the monk mutter some words, "I hope you good luck with defeating that nun. She's really weird.", then he suddenly appeared standing on the mast of a ship, he looked around but only saw one person he looked at his enemy, why did it have to be a women of all things, those people didn't fight fair, all the women I had ever fought had either ran away or asked for somebody's help, then he realized something, there was nobody to help her, and also nowhere for her to run so maybe this might just be some fun after all. He surprised that he was still balancing perfectly fine on the mast.”

~~ This is all one sentence, with the grammatical way you have it set up. You need to do the same thing I said above, split it up and make it a real paragraph instead of a massive single sentence. You have a problem with writing women instead of woman as well. Also, these edits would help a lot:

“Blue stepped through the gateway and heard the monk mutter some words[.] “I hope… She’s really weird.” [He] suddenly appeared... the mast of a ship[.] [He] looked around… at his enemy[.] [“Why] did it… of all things[.] [Women] didn’t fight fair, all the women… somebody’s help[.”] [He realized something[.] [“There] was nobody… fun after all[.”] He [was] surprised… on the mast.”

“Blue looked around closely at all the ships crashing slowly building up this battlefield, he looked at all the ships crash upon each other and thought about it for a moment, if they can make this all so real using magic then why don't they use this power to destroy all the ships and pirates in this world, this was almost a paradise for pirates.”

~~ You should have this instead: “…he looked at all the ships [that were] crash[ing] upon each other and thought about it for a moment[.] [i][“If] they can… almost a paradise for pirates[.”]
~~ Also, something stood out as confusing. You asked why the monks didn’t destroy all the ships and pirates, and then said it would be a paradise for pirates if they did. If the monks destroyed all that, they’d not be around and the it couldn’t be a paradise…

“…so grabbed a clip arrow and found a piece of parchment in his backpack and he wrote on it,”

~~ “he wrote on it[:]” Then you follow up with what you wrote. The comma there is a mistake in grammatical writing.

“, then he clipped the parchment onto the arrow fired the arrow so it would land right in front of the women.”

~~ You should have started the paragraph with a capitalized “He” instead of a comma. You also have the word “women” instead of woman. You are saying that there are multiple girls present when you say women, but what’s actually there is just one, so it should be woman.

“This effect was easily achieved as the wind was raging and the waves were crashing, the ships and boats were rocking so it was pretty much simplicity for somebody masterful at the bow.”

~~ If winds are raging, waves are crashing, that means that the boats are moving and such too, realistically. How would it be possible to easily shoot an arrow accurately in that situation? Also, your character is a level 0 character, you are not “masterful [with a] bow”.






~~ This post is a collection of single sentence paragraphs, and that didn’t help with the pacing for the thread. It made everything feel rushed, forced, and uninspired. Try and flesh out those single sentence’s into actual paragraphs and put some heart into it to make the writing have a flash that it’s there right now.

“Of course right after she thought that, she fell into the water with a splash.”

~~ This sentence stands out as informal writing due to the fact that it’s just really weak. It wasn’t unexpected, since you ended the thought before with hoping you wouldn’t fall in, but it could have come about a little better.

Times like this I wish I had a bow, or at least a magic spell of some sort. This is very slippery hope I don’t fall.

~~ Thoughts should be in quotes, as I’ve said for Oblue.







“The women had been very cheeky as Blue knew women as, she had mocked him, somehow she spotted him even though he was wearing full black with only parts of his face revealed, it was almost as if the arena was designed so that people could easily see each other.”

~~ This is a big run-on sentence. Also, you do the “women” instead of “woman”

“She had fell off a bridging mast that had been crushed almost a little more flat then Blue thought, How didn't she make that crossing, she must have dropped on purpose.”

~~ “had fell off” is another example of past perfect tense, and it’s in the wrong context on top of that. You should take the time to read over this out loud and you’ll hear the error. “She fell” or “She had fallen” is what it should be. The first is more present tense though can be loosely used as past tense; the second is the corrected past perfect tense. Also, need quotes for the thoughts.

“I must relocate myself as soon as I can, giving myself a clear angle from wherever she emerged from, holes in ships were very dangerous.”

~~ This is a continuation of the thought that I quoted above, but wasn’t put in italics. If it’s not put as a thought, it’s a tense change for your third person narrative into a first person narrative.

“Blue jumped off the mast grabbed onto a rope and swung onto another ship, he thought this ship would give him have a good shot at wherever she emerged from, hopefully.”

~~ This is a run-on as well. It would work better like this: Blue jumped off the mast[,] grabbed onto a rope[,] and swung onto another ship[. He] thought this ships would…

“This ship had nothing connecting to it via overground means but it probably had areas on the hull that were pierced.”

~~ “via” is informal writing, it’d be a little better presented if you put something like “by way of” instead, which means the same thing. Also, “overground” is not a word, so something else in its place would work better as well.

“It seemed to Blue that the women she had no ranged weapon so this was very advantageous for him.”

~~ you used “women” again instead of “woman”.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!