Brotherly Love -solo-

[Skie and Avery]

"You killed my son." Despite the noise of the forest, Avery's words seemed to echo in the mid-morning air. The emptiness that Skie could feel spiraling through her mind and soul was consuming them, amplifying every syllable until it engulfed her despair and sent her reeling backwards. She fought to breathe, tears springing to her eyes. The image before her blurred and distorted until they began to fall, clearing the way for her to see Avery stalking towards her. The light filtering through the forest foliage danced along his tanned skin, the muscles underneath rippling with shadow as he moved. His eyes burned with a predatory malice, green as the dragons that moved across Dheathain mountains. It was hatred, pure and simple, and he would rip her to shreds. His single wing snapped as he used it to slap a stray vine to the side. Birds flew from the sharp crack, feathers and leaves tumbling down in their wake.

"It was an accident," she said, her voice breaking as she averted her eyes. Avery had never looked at her this way before. No matter their scrapes and arguments, there had never been this thick and impenetrable wall between the twins. Lines had been crossed, bridges burned, and there was no turning back. Her fingers brushed against the golden choker that was clasped around her neck. As she panted from where they'd been running through the trees, it glowed blue for a bare moment, and she knew that if she confessed everything now, she would die. "I never wanted to hurt you...or Elena... but..."

"But what!?" he exploded forward, and Skie nearly stumbled as she ducked away from the swipe he took at her. As he moved past, she kicked out, digging her heel into the back of his knee. He fell forward, rolling through the leaves and springing back up, a grimace on his normally handsome features.

"I have to kill you now, love," she said. Her voice sounded like a stranger, and her hand moved to the sword at her side. It was as if her body were on strings, some foreign host pulling the cords as Skie drew her weapon. Avery clenched his fists and growled angrily as the blade was hefted between them, the catalyst of woe that had been slowly but surely building. All the world stood still and their eyes met. Black wings unfurled, the tips stretching out as the strange metallic sparks along the hide caught the light and reflected it outwards in a beautiful shimmer. She had to admit that her brother had grown into perfection over the years. She no longer stood against the small frightened boy she had cared for in their youth. Now she battled the demon King.

All too quickly for Skie's breaking heart, they struck.

[Skie and Avery]

She expected to feel her sword cleave and heft through flesh. Her eyes closed as they collided, the shock of his body against hers ignored and her focus and strength geared to sliding the blade through sun-kissed skin and all the gore that lay beneath. Instead, she was met with a metallic ring, her sword arm brought to a standstill. Before her eyes could open, the blue beholding her brother, pain was digging under her shirt, a razor dancing across her side as Avery's true claws were sliding out from beneath the dull nails that gave his hands a more human appearance.

Avery was grinning at her, without joy or emotion, his green eyes a statuesque grey. In his hand, her blade was held, a gauntlet protecting his grip from the sharp edge. She hadn't seen the armor he wore before, a shaming detail. He'd been able to hide them from her in illusion. Through their lives, they'd always been able to see through each others castings. It was no longer her brother that stood before her. She was faced with a stranger, whose breath was the wind of anger, and whose gaze was a bright retribution. She turned, breaking the tension of their weight pressing against one another, and his hand slid forward, ripping at her shirt as he tried to grab for her wing. His fingers fumbled, and she ripped her sword away to swat at his grasp with the flat of the blade.

The Moontae king leapt as Skie skipped away, wanting to put paces between her and his claws. The sting in her side was growing stronger, but before she could turn to face him again, he hit her from above. Her sword went flying as she tripped, and was borne to the ground. Her breath exploded from her chest, and she gasped and writhed beneath her brother. His weight shifted on her back, crushing the joint of her wing beneath his knee as his fist gathered her hair. He jerked her head upwards first before slamming it down. Damp leaves pressed against her face, the grit of the earth rubbing into her cheek. She tried to breathe, the air wet and earthy. Flashes of playing in the mud came back, images from her youth. Memories that once comforted her were accompanied now with pain and remorse. All the world was going cold, and she would have cried if not for the aching agony that began to rip across her back.

Skie launched forward, her body gaining an inch across the ground before Avery slammed her face once more to the floor. Her ragged screams began to echo through the trees, the boughs rustling as birds began to flee just outside of the chaotic glade. As the universe fell apart around her in lashes of red and hurt, she let her fingers grab and bury themselves in the wet earth. She could cling only to this moment, the door that had opened at the end of the path of decay.

"Hold fast," a whisper called to her, the voice harsh and taunting. She barely recognized Avery's sweet baritone in the command. Chills ran down her spine and she actually found herself stilling herself at his words. Terror rose in the back of her mind. He need not say anything else, for even as the pain was spread over her whole back she knew what his claws and his strength was after. He would rip off her wing and through the wound, pull out her heart. Despair was welling up within her. Somewhere deep within the sword maiden, she wanted to let him.

[Skie and Avery]

His sister was nothing more than a monster below him. Avery had been with the hunting parties that ventured carefully beyond the bounds of their hidden city, bringing in herb and meat when the fall had taken most of the colony’s herd with a strange fever. Within the deeps of the forest, dark things lurked, glorious ferocious beasts that wanted nothing more than to rend flesh from bone and make it a meal. Avery had sank his knife in more than one pelt, felt strength and agony undulating from his prey, and was no stranger to feeling hot blood gush up around his fingers. The sticky touch of mortality would coat his hand, filling his mind with power, and hunger. No, it was no longer Skie beneath him. She had been buried in his heart, only to be replaced by a beast. As the hunters wore claws and beads made of antler and bone to give honor to both their strength and to the beast they had slain, so too would Avery have a piece of Skie.

His eyes could not be torn from the single wing that sprung from her right shoulder blade. It fluttered and writhed as she did, but could not swat him away. The black leather that stretched over it, matched the same hide of his own wing so perfectly, was a testament that they had come from the same egg. As they had split and grown together within their mother, they had each taken something from her. Avery had taken her name, her eyes, and her love. Skie had taken her beauty, and her cruelty, he was sure of it. She didn’t deserve to share this, his mother’s pride. In fact, as she screamed and pushed her forehead into the dirt to try and grit through the pain, he could not see those damnable blue eyes of hers. It was as if Natamrael herself were struggling in him, and for a moment fear gripped the Moontae King.


The last time his mother’s blood had been drawn, her head severed from her body in the midst of Concordian beauty, it had been the assassin Mazrith who had done it. Avery and Skie had run, sent away as Natamrael had bravely faced down the cloaked figure. As the boy grew to be a man, he still was haunted with nightmares, of not running but seeing his mother marred by blood on her lovely skin, her vibrant green eyes gone cold. With raven tresses and that glorious wing, Skie was part of Natamrael, walking Althanas with a visage that Avery would not allow to be corrupted any longer.

His fingers wound themselves around the base of her wing and he dug his claws in. His mind sent out a message, a call for his executioners. Skie dan Sabriel would never remind him of his mother again.

[Skie and Avery]

The crunch of bone was worse than the feeling of the bones of her wing being rended from her shoulder. A crackle and splinter was in perfect time with Avery's heady breath. There was a sound behind the hot air that brushed against Skie's back. He was laughing. It was a malicious sound, evil in short broken barks that came from this shadow that had once been her caring brother. His body pressed above her, she could feel the length of him, from his claws and the grip that held her down by her neck, to his hips crushed against her. His excitement; she began to sob, gulping air as she panicked. Nails that were already filled with earth began to claw once more.

"You'll never get away from me," he growled, and around them she could hear the thud and pound of feet hitting the earth. His execution court had arrived, and it was over.

Her brother shifted, ripping her upward from the ground as he stood. One hand had her arm in a vice, the other her head. With tears streaming from her bruised face, mingling with the blood that came from a broken nose and split lip, she lifted her chin. She could see the three Moontae who had come to her brother's call through the blur of tears and dirt in her eyes. Their scythes were gleaming, their steps sure as they descended upon her. Two women, their curvy figures came on either side.

"Seraph.." Skie began to speak, blood sputtering from her mouth as she began to plead. All that met her was a slim, feminine hand, slapping her hard across the face. The sting left her cheek rosy, her voice melted away.

"You have no right to speak anymore in this place," a cold womanly voice spit at her. She could feel a rustle at her other side as the other woman prepared the blade, and then the real pain came, digging deep into her flesh. The edges of the blades were wielded with surgical precision, knowing movements reaching between the joints where one glittering wing met muscle.

She screamed until she couldn't anymore, opening her eyes because clenching them only seemed to make the hurt more intense. Just before her gaze, there were a pair of blue eyes. A handsome face, the Lorespinner of the Moontae, and high Executioner, she drew in her breath. Around her, the air was heavy with the spell that was being woven.

"Skie dan Sabriel. The Beauty rejects you as one of it's children. You will die alone." Soft lips pressed against hers, an electric spark that sent signals of pain and death through every nerve she had. Weeping, Skie collapsed. Where she fell, she could see her lone wing, having been taken from her body, laying not far off. As she began to block out, calling out piteously to her brother, a hand came down, scooping up the appendage and steps softly moved out of sound.

She was dying, and she was alone. And it was every bit what she deserved.

[Skie and Avery]

The minutes drug on like hours. Somehow, Skie remembered willing one arm to fling out while her fingers sought purchase in the earth. She pulled, her grip catching on roots and the rip of grass and weeds being pulled from the topsoil almost drowned out the whimpered cries that erupted from her lungs. She could barely see anything, but for the sway of light as branches moved and allowed the sun to filter down. Dark green and black shadows danced around the pools of light, white flashes in the darkness that she sought. Her tears blurred any detail from what may or may not be lurking just outside of those shimmering pools of safety. As she pulled her broken body towards one such beam of light, she realized the security within was an illusion. If some predator or assassin came, they would be able to end her life. It didn't matter if they did it in the darkest recesses of Concordia or there with angelic light falling around them.

The choker and bracelets she wore were glowing blue. Griffin, her captor, was watching. Would he care? She somehow couldn't imagine him coming to her rescue, and it would be more like the man to finish the job. He had shown her before that he could use the power of her bindings to choke her from far away, tightening the metal with a terrifying magic will. She had failed him. Not only would she not bring back the child, but with Netimrael's death, there was no way Griffin would be able to steal him away now. She'd gone from kidnapper to murderer, and not even the damage done by her brother and his execution squad would save her from Griffin's wrath.

Ahead, she saw movement through the trees. These were no shadows from brush and branches pushed about by the wind. A figure was walking, passing through the light. If only she could blink through the tears, open her eyes from where they winced at her pain, she might see them more clearly. As she gasped for breath to try and calm herself, the metal of her collar burned at her throat. Griffin was near, and Skie was sure that the man advancing towards her was him. This was it, she would die. Burying her face against the ground, she sobbed quietly. Everything had gone so wrong so quickly. She knew not one of the gods would forgive her, though this was never how she wanted it to end.

[Skie and Avery]

The hands that touched her were more gentle than Griffin's had ever been as they scooped her up from the ground. Shuddering in pain, Skie looked into a face she couldn't quite make out. Flashes of white in her vision as her wounds beat with pain, coupled by the tears that filled her vision kept her from seeing just who it was. As her consciousness waned and the world went dark, she couldn't help but think that there was no way the kind eyes that had locked onto hers for the barest moment could have belonged to Griffin. His voice was quiet and soothing as he whispered in her ear, "Hold fast." Those were the words her brother had spoken. Was Avery watching, or had he sent this man to take her to her grave? Her head began to pound in time with her heart, anxiety and exhaustion pouring over her. She fell into a fitful sleep, her body too tired and injured to sustain her anymore, all care for safety discarded to the coming dark.


..oOo..

When Castien Augendmyr had set out on his morning walk this morning, he hadn't quite expected to happen upon anyone. He'd left his son in the safety of the cottage, the boy studiously reading from his schoolbooks as Castien adjusted the leather mantle about his shoulders and locked the door. He held a small woven bark basket in one hand, his staff in another. The wood was curled, twisted around and knotted at the top around a chunky white crystal. He'd carved runes along the edge, burning the symbols darkly into the wood. His brown eyes scanned the trees, starting up at the glowing canopy. He knew well enough to search the boughs for any of the demons that called the forest home before his gaze swept down to the forest floor. Herbs, mushrooms, and berries quickly filled the small basket and he began to turn himself back towards the cottage when a sound caught his attention. Spired elven ears could barely hear a cry of pain through the thick sounds of a nearby stream and the birds in the trees. But there, just between the shifts of trees swaying with the wind, there it was again. His first thought was that the demons were bringing down prey, but the forest had been too peaceful. The Moontae hunting parties cleared the area of all life, either in that the birds would flee and animals would take off for thicker brush, or they slaughtered everything. The demonic troops had never hunted as mercilessly as they had in the last season. Against his better judgement, spurred on by the apathy of the sparrows in the trees above him, Castien began to make his way between the trees and down a rocky ravine to the source of the sobbing, straining voice.

On the ground, covered in more blood than he thought was possible, a figure stirred. She was moving slowly, her hair caked onto her face in the drying gore, her back a mess of wounds and tattered cloth. Her skin was pale, impossibly pale, and flecked with sweat as she extended a shaking arm. The basket crashed to the ground, the items spilling through the grass as he began to rush towards her. A face tight with pain looked up to him and then sank back down. He slipped his staff into the holster that he'd attached on his belt, slipping his arms under her shaking body. Some of her blood was cold and thick as his skin slid against hers. How long had she been laying here? As he whispered his wish for her to hold on, her eyes slipped up towards him and rolled back behind her lids. Castien ground his teeth together, glancing once more to the trees. It was amazing that the Moontae themselves had not scooped her up to take to their city. She was just the thing that they would love to toy with, he thought bitterly as he began making a frantic trip back to his cottage. There was impossible to know how much time the woman had, and he was worried she'd die from her wounds before they ever got back. Frantically searching his memory, as his swift feet took them through the looming foliage, he began to sing. The words he'd once been taught at the school of Lissilin were only a haze on his memory, but he carried on as he felt magic grow heavy in the air.

As he sang, the strange shackles on the woman's neck and wrists faded from the soft blue glow to a burnished gold. He could not break the feeling that he was tempting something larger than himself, something dangerous and angry. Still, the blood that now fell from his arms to soak his clothing would be forever on his hands if he left her to die. Somehow he felt a tug beyond duty to ensure that he at least try to heal her wounds. The ghosts of the past were dancing through Concordia tonight, guiding him to a fate beyond his control.

[Skie and Avery]

Hold fast. The words echoed through her head, like the too loud ringing of Sunday morning church bells after a night of heavy drinking. Since their childhood, Skie had always been so connected with her brother. She touched his soul, and he’d touched hers. Even as they grew apart, she felt like his sins were always on the tips of her lips, waiting for her to kiss them away. Now there was no forgiveness, and she was the one drenched in the very evil of her actions. She had nightmares, twisting and turning through her mind as a demonic face kept flashing before her. Her brother’s face was twisted with hate, and the line between their hearts was forever broken. Skie herself was shattered in much the same way.

Hold fast. Castien found himself repeating the mantra in his mind as he worked over the girl. He’d laid her in his bed, a down-stuffed mattress pushed into a recess near the hearth. He’d cleaned and dressed her wounds, dressing her in his own clothes. Still, she sweated through them, dousing the bandages as she tossed and turned in fever. Her wounds were grave, but it was the damage to her mind that worried the elf most. Healing Raiaeran song magic could knit back together her torn flesh and crushed bones. The bruises had almost faded from her face, and a full week had passed with only his songs and his will keeping strength in her body. He’d tried to feed her a broth, but after the third time when she’d nearly choked he gave up. Her face grew ever more pale and gaunt as time went on.

Ten days had passed when she finally awoke. The day was overcast and despite the white lace curtains flung open in front of the windows, the room was still filled with a strange half-light. Castien sat in front of the hearth, bent over a pot. His hands held a steel knife, deftly slicing mushrooms. His long hair, the color of freshly turned clay earth, brushed barely against the stone floor as he worked. After a moment, a small hand touched his arm, and he looked up. His son wasn’t looking at him, but rather towards the corner of the room where the mattress lay.

“She’s looking at me,” he heard the boy say, and Castien turned his gaze towards the woman. Sure enough, her head had turned to the side and she stared them down. For a moment the empty sadness in her blue eyes made him think that she might be dead, but there was the barest movement underneath the quilt as her chest rose and fell with her breath. She still looked so weak, diminished, that Castien almost dared not speak. She looked so fragile that a word too harsh would cause her to break apart and go scattering with the breeze that teased from the window, fluttering the curtains across the windowsill.

[Skie and Avery]

"You've been asleep for days," he finally said, breaking the silence that had hung in the room from the moment their eyes met. Castien examined her face, the way lines of distrust had bloomed on her forehead and then disappeared again as she relaxed. Her eyes were dark enough that it was hard to tell now if they were blue or a deep brown. Mostly she looked tired. He didn't expect her to answer him, and he wasn't surprised when her lids slid closed again over that empty gaze. She didn't wake again until the next morning, when the overcast sky had opened up.

The sound of rain scattering down through the foliage outside had been a hissing roar, giving way only to the crash of thunder. It was rolling over the forest, shaking the trees. Leaves fell in green waves outside as the wind picked up, howling. The window had been shuttered, though the lace still shifted as the wind snuck through the slats. The walls vibrated with the latest assault of nature's wrath.

"Who are you?"

Castien barely heard the small voice from the corner, and the sound in the quiet room startled him. His chin whipped up from where he'd been bent over, sanding the shaft of an arrow, so fast that his neck burst into sudden warmth and then an ache. She was looking at him again, though this time once she had his attention she began to shift, trying to prop herself up enough to sit. Skie's arms shook as she struggled to push herself upwards. Finally with a groan she gave up and sank back down.

"I'd like to get up," she said with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling. He could see tears welling in her eyes, glistening from the little light that seeped through the shutters and glowed from the low fire in the hearth. Finally, Castien shook his head, answering her back.

"You still need rest. If you can try and eat something for me, though, I'll help you sit up and we can talk." His voice was soft and encouraging, even as he put his tools on a table already scattered with stone arrowheads and unworked switches. "You're not out of the woods yet," he continued as he rummaged through the kitchen for soft bread and a bowl of hot broth.

When he returned, Castien gently slipped one arm underneath the woman's back, slowly lifting her as he added pillows behind her. He couldn't help but frown when she shuddered and cringed at the movement, but her jaw clenched and she made no complaint. When she had the soup in front of her, shakily spooning broth and blowing it cool, the elven man settled back in his chair and watched her as he spoke amiably.

"I'm a skilled healer, but you're going to need some time to recover. I found you almost two weeks ago, and you were almost dead."

The spoon paused partway to her lips and her fingers trembled as her lips pursed tightly. Lines of worry and regret wrote a story on her face that the darkness behind her eyes only served to illustrate. Her heart broken, Skie wished with all her heart that she had died.

[Skie and Avery]

"I'm too slow," she said, gritting her teeth. She and Castien faced each other, wooden swords in their hands. Skie was hunched down, holding one shoulder with her free hand. Sword fighting had been part of her rehabilitation, but she was nowhere near where she’d been when she’d been injured. She felt like a wetter version of herself, groggier and softer. The elf, his long locks pulled away from his shining face, simply shook his head.

“These things take time,” he said with a maddening practicality. He didn’t seem to understand the sense of danger she felt. They were still beneath the gaze of Concordia, within arms reach of her brother. “He destroyed your body,” Castien added, and Skie paused. The elf didn’t often talk about how bad her injuries had been. He was almost obstinately optimistic. She supposed he had to be, to make up for her own pessimism.

Castien closed the distance between the two and smiled. “You’re a phoenix, you know? You’ll rise from it even better. But it takes time.” He leaned closer, his eyes closing as he moved in for a kiss. With a groan Skie found herself at least fast enough to turn away from him. When Castien looked puzzled, Skie put her hands up.

“Look, you’re kind and warm and wonderful and gorgeous,” she said, smiling. “But I don’t want to hurt you or your kid.”

Castien sighed, leaning back and watching Skie as she slowly stretched and resumed her position with the practice sword, pulling the blade into a defensive position.

“Does this have to do with those shackles you wore?” he asked, and watched as she fumbled for what to say. Finally Skie turned and threw the practice sword in the bin she’d taken it from by the back door and shook her head. As they went inside the small cottage, she sat down at the table. Only days before, while Castien had been guiding her through exercises to recover the reach in her shoulders, the bracelet and choker had flashed a bright blue for a moment and then fell apart. The golden metal had crumbled as if it had been made of dirt pressed together and Skie hadn’t been sure how they should dispose of the debris. The pile was still sitting on the kitchen counter, and she watched it now for any sign that Griffin might be watching her.

“Not really, but that is part of it. I know I’m being watched. By my brother, and by the man who put those on me. But I don’t think either of them have use for me, so maybe they aren’t threats anymore. I’m still too dangerous. I can’t take a lover. Have you heard of the Curse of the Starslayer? Surely you have, being from Raiaera.” When Castien was silent, she took it to mean he hadn’t heard. “When a Starslayer falls in love, they steal the soul of the one they love. It’s destruction to love them, to be loved by them. My father was the Starslayer. His curse passed to me.”

Skie smiled for a moment and then laughed nervously. “I’d hate to take your soul. Concordia needs some goodness and light in its life.”

“I might be kind, but I am a man, and I’m practical.” Castien said quietly after a moment. “I’m not asking you to love me. I’ve been alone a long time. I guessed that you had been too.”

“I won’t shove you out of my bed,” Skie said, choosing her words carefully and speaking in quiet tones. Little ears were in just the next room and who knows how much they really heard. “But you need to understand that if you come to me like that, it tells me I only need to leave more quickly.”

“I’ll be sure to make the time count, then.”

[Skie and Avery]

In the Hidden City, Avery stood at the forge. A blacksmith, covered in soot and sweat, hammered out the Delyn sheet into a shield. It still glowed with heat when it was finally taken off the anvil. The shape of the thing was made to look like a wing that had been squished down to round the edges and spread the surface. His sister’s wing had been prepared, the skin turned to leather, the bones removed but the basic shape and the glittering surface preserved. He watched as it was carefully stretched and strapped, the craftsmanship of the thing meticulously cared for. His sister had destroyed everything he had. His child dead, his wife fled, his world demolished, and now she would be burdened with protecting him. It was almost enough to bring a smile to his face.

When the shield was presented to him, he finally did. He had big plans, and they required the proper tools. He stalked back to his quarters and flung open the door. The room was dark but he could make out the closet, the drawers empty and overturned on the floor. The bed, a soft mattress held aloft on a frame hung with vines from the ceiling, had been torn down and the sheets tangled atop it. It was less civilized bed and more nest now. Avery laid the shield so that the wing-covered side was only inches from the mattress edge. This close, he could see the details, the areas where the leather had to be carefully repaired because of the rips in the skin. He thought back on the sound of his sister’s muffled screams, the warmth of her blood flowing over his fingers and flecking her back.

With one clawed hand on the shield and the other between his legs, the demon king found a release that had been too long making. Soon he would set his machine in motion, and it would all begin at the Citadel. Skie was dead. It was time for him to rise.

The shield has already been approved and paid for here (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?29135).

[Philomel]

Thread Title: Brotherly Love (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?19517-Brotherly-Love-solo&p=247571#post247571)
Judgment Type: Condescended Rubric
Participants: Skie and Avery

Story: 22

From the outset you make it clear that this is a pivotal moment for both of your characters lives. The opening is demanding of a reader’s attention, focusing on the words “you killed my son” and then placing the reader right in a scene, in a centre of action. For this first setting, you describe it well, with clear trees, nature and a forest. By using the actions of your characters also to affect the setting, such as “Birds flew from the sharp crack,” you really manage to bring the scene to life also. Later settings, with the hut that Castien takes her too, and the room Avery sits in are given a sense of place, though perhaps overall limited in their potential. More interaction with the setting, overall could have been done, and more description, whereas you relied more on the characters to pull the plot along than anything. Overall your story flowed well and was tense in the right moments and kept the reader interested. Each change of perspective was done in good timing, and in a well-judged way. Balancing two characters can be difficult, but you managed it, and it just shows how well you can use two people who are now going down very different paths. It was told excellently, with a good art and very skillful writing. Weaknesses in this section are perhaps in pacing - the entire thing could have been longer with perhaps more background information, and questions were left unanswered: where Skie was coming from, was she running from Avery etc, and how did he manage to find her? However, in general this is a story very well told so high marks in this section.

Character: 21

What makes your Player Character different from others is your unique setting of having two whereas others have one. In this piece you write each of them remarkably different, and set a definite tone for their personalities, their livelihood and their eventual separation from each other. One can see, through subtle comments such as “Avery and Skie had run” in post 3, a firm connectedness and a friendship in the past that has faded to nothing now and become hate. You explore the history of their relationship cleverly, using Skie’s pain and suffering to meander through their past together, thus exploiting the actions of your characters well to show persona. By using them almost as ying and yang, balanced opposites, you have a neat way of expressing their individuality, but also as a pair. Language even is different between them, from the anger in Avery’s tone, to the sorrow and suffering in Skie’s. What would have been better, however, is to even define this more purposefully, to use different words to express how they talk, such as “Avery roared” and “Skie whispered,” so defining this difference more. It would have been good to see perhaps a little more persona in general in the form of internal thought when it came to Avery, as the posts more or less were in Skie’s favour, though overall this was written very well. Last weakness perhaps to point out is that some actions during the fighting scenes were hard to follow, so I would try to define the throws and reactions precisely. Despite this, however, high points are rewarded here for the great continuity and steadiness, despite the length of time this took to write.

Writing: 19

Writing in itself is good in its basics. Mechanically speaking there are no obvious spell errors or sentence structure mistakes, and so you do have the general simple things under control. What could be improved on, however, here is paragraphing. This affects clarity in itself also, where actions can become confused in the flow. In your first post, you open strongly with a defining accusation and rough and tumble - however, a simple line break after “You killed my son,” would really help to pace this out better. This continues through the fighting, where a new paragraph could be used (for instance, when the wing is ripped off, or where Skie sees a light) to really hit home the power of that particular point, in times of agony and pivotal action. Other tactics to use here, which help build tension, are to explore more unusual punctuation, such as ellipses, to drag these moments out. This aside, however, the major plot was clear in itself, and in terms of technique you have a strong skill already. Intriguing bits of description such as “a predatory malice” from post 1 and “The ghosts of the past were dancing through Concordia tonight” in post 6 really capture the reader’s attention and are part of the reason we want to read more. More, more, more!

Wildcard: 7

WIldcard goes to writing a story that took apparently 6 years to complete, and you managed to keep the same tone and more or less the same style. There was a subtle improvement over the time in your way of writing, as any writer might improve over time, but this did not get in the way of the continuity or the power of this story. It was captivating and wondrous to read and I genuinely enjoyed it. Well done!

Overall Score: 69

Rewards:

Skie and Avery (http://www.althanas.com/world/member.php?1387-Skie-and-Avery) receives:
1660 EXP
140 GP

“Life is too short to read books that I'm not enjoying.”
― Melissa Marr

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!