Ancient Symbols...(Open!!!)

[Archanex Jotham]

(Open to ANY level 0-2)

Studying in the grand cathedral that was located in Radasanth, the Overmage was researching symbols belonging to the ancient Highlanders of Corone. A Druidic order was known to reside in the wild lands of Corone. Archanex Jotham had studied of these ancient cultures before finding little more than cryptic symbols and ancient folklore.

The old room smelled like ancient oak. Made entirely out of stone, the Wizard's Tower was erected out of the foundation of Radasanth proper. Jotham found himself going to this location to train for his first bout in The Citadel of Radasanth, a place where many tourists often ventured. Jotham was researching several tomes and volumes on ancient tribes when he heard a knock on his chamber door. Sensing a pull of the Elemental Manna, the Overmage grinned for he knew who was the presence behind the door.

"Come." Jotham called out to the presence. "The door is open."

The room was lit by glowing fire, a fire that was magically produced rested in the lone fireplace. Candles also lit the chamber. Several were visible in the chamber and offered it a certain cozy warmth. Jotham sat at a table that was covered with various odds and ends, many different tomes and scrolls, and writing utensils. The Overmage was almost an obsessive note-taker.

Feeling the presence enter the chamber, Jotham turned to see the Elder Monk of the Ai'Bron. He was a man named Duncan Lightrunner. Observing Duncan as if for the first time, Jotham noticed the mans' typical dreadlocks, copper-tone skin, and muscular build. He wore elegant robes that were status symbols for the Monks of Ai'Bron. He was clearly a high-ranking official visiting a neophyte Magi for whatever reason.

"Ever the bookworm I see my old friend?" Duncan said with a grin on his face. "My Superiors have a summons for you, Jotham. They wish to test your skill in a real-time battle."

"My skills? Sire, I would not gain any benefit from real-time battles. I merely wish to study in peace." Jotham continued. "I think senseless violence has caused the degeneration of this world..."

"Nevertheless my friend. We have contacted your superiors in the Guild of Magi. They agree that you must acquire necessary combat experience in order to survive the trials that will await your experiments and research. I have with me a statement of action from your superiors. It is signed with all of the signatures of your superior officers." Jotham saw that the Monk produced an official state document and handed it over to his person.

"You are required to fight." He heard the monk say. "It is better that you simply accept things as they are and come with me. Resisting will only make matters worse for you."

"I don't want to fight!" Jotham said. The pacifist was busily researching ways to counter-act Xem'Zund's advancements in Raiaera. That was also part of of his extensive research. When he stood up to protest the idea of battle, the Monk produced a heavy hand and forced Jotham to sit down by placing it on his shoulder.

"Before you protest, read this document." The Monk said.

"Very well, you leave me no choice."

****

And that's how Archanex Jotham found himself facing the halls of the Citadel for the first time in his life. He used his battlestaff as a walking stick, carefully making his way up the stone steps. Jotham knew the stakes, he knew what he was in for. Sighing audibly, he followed Duncan to the registration area. Once inside the famous gathering hall of The Citadel, the Overmage studied the Elemental Manna bursting within this place. It was dirty, violent, and filled with a vibrancy created by conflict and warfare.

Jotham would have to work in an attempt to use the Manna at his disposal. He knew he would have to act quickly in order to meet whatever challenge would come his way. Turning to look at Duncan, Jotham shot daggers in his general direction with a dark gaze. Jotham realized then that Duncan had already arranged the conditions of the battle. Jotham clenched his fist tightly until the knuckles popped. His eyes narrowed into thin slits, and he made his way across the impressive stone building.

Jotham followed Duncan to one of the empty chambers. His eyes remained narrowed. Seeing that Duncan motioned for Jotham to enter the chamber, the Overmage nodded and did as he was told. I'll be damned if you make me into one of your lost puppets! He entered the chamber and prepared himself to do battle against whatever came his way...

(Note: You are free to make the environment up. Go nuts, but not too nuts! I have a purpose for this thread)

[Valanthe]

It was early afternoon, when Valanthe was passing through Radasanth. Battling was the last thing on her mind, instead she merely wanted to find out what library her husband, Xos, had gotten himself lost in this time.

“It'll just be a few days dear, I promise. I'm just researching a few theories to see if some theories I have myself will hold any water.” Xos had said, three weeks ago.

Xos had the irritating habit of going off to do some reading at a library, and virtually moving in. Valanthe didn't know what sort of a curse affected the man to somehow trap him inside any library he dared to set foot in, but she was certain she would find a way to break that curse someday. It made her feel, ignored.

“Valanthe Xilanthese?” a monk asked, stopping her on the street.

“Yes, that's me, how do you know me?” Valanthe asked, surprised a monk would approach her of all people.

“Oh, you know, we have our ways. I'd tell you but there's an oath of secrecy, and if I tried I'd lose the ability to speak for three or four days. Anyways, I was asked by my superiors to see if you'd care to help us with a battle. Your opponent would be a magic user. I know, I know, you want to know what's in it for you. Well, as I hinted at before, we have our ways of finding out information. Help us, and I'll tell you who your father is, and where to find his side of your family.” The monk said, smiling.

“Alright, but, why me?” Valanthe asked.

“We believe your skill set would create a most suitable challenge for this particular opponent. We won't actually know who your father is or where to find him, until we cast certain spells upon you, but we can do that while you recover.” The monk said.

~
Valanthe hid in the rocks on the side of the mountain. She was thrilled, she actually got to help design an arena in the citadel. The Arena itself was a plateau on the side of the mountain. Trees dotted the landscape, providing little coverage for this arena. A full moon shone with a silvery brilliance on the landscape, showing off a hauntingly beautiful mountain range.

Valanthe took in the sky, staring at the ocean of stars and all their mystery. Xos said it was possible there was life out there. He claimed to come from a place beyond the stars, but Valanthe didn't believe him. Such a thing couldn't be possible. Yet if that wasn't true, then what did lay out there, where exactly did the stars dwell? Perhaps it wasn't meant for people to know such things.

Valanthe looked down in time to see her opponent enter the arena. She stood up, and smiled. Her opponent was taller than average, and appeared to be physically fit. Perhaps his magic wasn't as good as hers. Should she introduce herself, or get right to the fighting? Introductions gave the opponent time to act first, which could lead to her death.

She knew the edge of the plateau was a sheer cliff face, a steep drop sure to kill any unlucky soul to fall off the side. Suddenly she knew what she would do. Wolves were common sights in the mountains, what was one more? She would go in disguise as a she wolf, a natural predator.

She got down on all fours and started crawling towards the man from behind snarling viciously, confident of her victory. First it sounded like a woman imitating a wolf, but each time it became more distinctly wolf like, until it sounded exactly like a snarling wolf.

If the man turned around, he would actually watch Valanthe turn into a wolf. First her clothes would grow fuzzy and indistinct. Then the nails on her hands would turn into claws, even as the muscles in her body started shifting to the sound of cracking bones rearranging and resizing themselves. Her hair grew shorter, and thicker, until it became silvery fur that spread across her body. Next a tail sprouted, as her ears went to the top of her head and swiveled forward. Her mouth and nose joined, as they elongated into a snout, open just enough to display her sharp jagged teeth.

“AROOOOOOooooooo” She howled, sounding a wolf howl that echoed across the mountains and was answered in turn by other wolves on other mountains.

Then, waiting no longer to attack, she leaped for the man, intending to knock him over, rip out his throat with her teeth, and be done with this battle.

[Archanex Jotham]

Wandering the wild lands of the ancient Highlanders, Jotham wondered exactly how he'd gotten himself into this predicament. Feeling tensions coursing through his heart, the Overmage prepared for the incoming battle not certain what he was going to face. The plateau seemed to be there for all eternity, if not longer than that. Elemental Manna cascaded through the air bursting periodically as flashes of light in the night. Wisps if one would.

A mist clung to the ground in the form of a fog, with few trees to provide cover. Rocks jutted out of the ground. Many sentient life-forms were present that sent their own Elemental Manna into the air. He could see several distinct auras in the distance. Suddenly, there was a particular shift in the natural ebb and flow of the Elemental Manna. This shift upset the patterns of light and energy that he saw, a sort of unnatural energy flowing through the Elemental Manna. Jotham frowned at this as he felt a tingle course across his flesh. He was not certain was this tingle and strange feeling in his gut was.

Feeling as though his gut was being twisted in several placed and a particularly eerie sensation in the back of his head that wouldn't go way, the Overmage could only speculate. Speculation was not good in a battle environment where one did not know what one was about to face. Suddenly, the tiny hairs on the back of his head rose to stiff points. Preparing his battle-staff, the Overmage quickly did an about-face and shifting his body weight so that his staff could intercept whatever he thought was coming at him. In a moment's time, the Overmage could not see anything except the unnatural pattern flowing within the Elemental Manna.

Out of nowhere, a massive killing machine leaped at his throat. Jotham barely managed to shift his body weight once more with some degree of skill, just enough to place the staff in between himself and the maw of the beast. Instantly, Jotham was knocked to the ground despite his size and weight. The forward momentum of the killing machine was just that great against the inexperienced Overmage.

Jotham's eyes glowed with the Elemental Manna. Beginning to channel some of the Manna within his own Manna Pool, the Overmage allowed his thoughts to flow together with a single purpose in mind. His body began to grow hot as he channeled some Elemental Manna for the purpose in his heart: destruction. With his heart beating rapidly in his chest, he had no time to release a proper spell of the Dynamic Explosion. He settled for what he could get. As he struggled against the beast, he knew that he did not have enough skill to fight for much longer. Instead, he released a partial burst of the Dynamic Explosion after a quick casting of the potent spell. Blue fire burst out of his body and in the general direction of the area around him. It wasn't a concentrated spell as Jotham had not had precious time to prepare it skillfully. Instead, Jotham had focus on releasing the spell as quickly as possible. It was crude, destructive, and one of the poorest cast versions of the spell he had attempted in these many years. However, survival called for acts of desperation.

The blue fire expanded out of his body. Grass and earth quickly became scorched at the super-heat. Grass melted quickly becoming dust, and ash that flowed up in the air. Jotham looked at his opponent's eyes as the Overmage released the attack in it's general direction. Jotham hissed but a single word as the attack finally flowed in Valanthe's general direction.

"Burn!" He hissed, as he unleashed the fury of the Overmages.

[Valanthe]

Valanthe felt the fire impact against her fur, and let out a yelp of pain. She rolled with the impact of being thrown back, and played dead, to give herself time to think.

He had reacted with fear, understandable, and fairly common from someone not used to fighting. He had thrown that explosion at her like it was the first thing he could think of. This was The Citadel, not a surprise encounter out in the wild. Surely he knew he'd be facing a battle, and not conversation over a cup of tea. So why not do something more tactically sound, like holding her off with his staff, while pulling a dagger out of somewhere and plunging it in her chest?

Maybe it was a ruse, maybe he knew she wasn't really a wolf, but how? He didn't seem to hear her snarling at him, or the loud howl she let out. Luck? Probably, but she had to know the extent of his skill. Maybe she should turn back now, and use her other skills. No, there was more than one way she could use a wolf form.

Her eyes snapped open, she got to her feet, and for a second she was amazed that the earth was completely scorched from that fire. She yelped softly, as the burn on her side hurt, bringing her mind back into focus on the fight at hand. She ran back towards the young man, at a somewhat slower pace. This time she would disable his legs, leaving him paralyzed. Ripping a muscle or two out of them should do it.

If it didn't do it, then she would limp off, and turn back, to use her other, deadlier skills.

[Archanex Jotham]

With his daggers in his hand, the Overmage felt a strange sort of comfort. The killing machine was going to tear him apart piece by piece if he was not careful, but, the Overmage would scar the killing machine to make sure that the thing remembered him always. Standing up now as he held his weapons in a loose combat position, he knew he would have to sacrifice a hit this time.

Depleting some of the Elemental Manna in his pool, the Overmage would have to wait until he could prepare the next spell. In the meantime, he felt his heart slow down and his eyes narrow to thin slits. His opponent attacked once more, this time attempting to take his legs out from underneath him. Shifting his body weight slightly, the Overmage planted his right foot against the ground, and provided the killing machine with a seemingly inviting target.

Her attacks came, and the Overmage felt an increasing amount of pain as terrible talons ripped easy through the simple robes he wore. Several deep gashes appeared where the claws of the killing machine dug. Grimacing visibly, the Overmage held his breath so that he would not scream but could not contain the breath for long. He screamed but still managed to maintain some semblance of focus. The killing machine had fallen right for his trap!

Knowing that he probably appeared very weak to the killing machine, the Overmage acted. Taking both of the daggers in his hands, he relied upon his knowledge of the blade. Admittedly, his attack was less then perfect, but in the close-proximity they were in, the Overmage just wanted to score a hit. His muscles burned as he thrust his body weight forward and downward, above the creature. His blades moved down in an attacking motion, a vicious striking angle. The angles were almost ellipse like in movement. Hoping to strike one or both flanks of the beast, the Overmage gambled all on this particular attack...

[Valanthe]

Valanthe had scored a hit on her target. The taste of blood was electrifying to her lupine senses. Perhaps she should move upwards towards a more tender target. Right as she was considering this course of action, a sense of impending danger warned her that her target was moving, she backpedaled quickly, and got struck on both sides of her face with daggers.

Yelping and limping she retreated a few feet away, and turned back into her normal form, not caring if her opponent saw or not. She held her bleeding face with her hands, anger blazing in her eyes. There were trees nearby, and some large rocks she could hide behind.

Shrapnel bomb? That would disable him long enough for her to kill him, she hoped, but it would also skewer her with the flying shrapnel unless she hid.

Granite spikes? That would kill him for certain, but, that attack could be dodged if her opponent sensed the moving earth beneath him. Unless, she used her Shrapnel bomb first.

Lightning. It was quick, fast, and she could use a strong enough blast to stun her opponent long enough to get behind a tree and use Shrapnel bomb, and after that, impale him on spikes.

Valanthe let go of her face, the bleeding was stopping. She threw a lightning bolt at her opponent, using all the power she could muster. Not wasting any time, she began limping for cover.

[Archanex Jotham]

When she broke away from the grapple, the Overmage had been awarded with a precious few moments to clutch his greatly injured leg. He looked down to see the blood freely pouring down his leg, dripping in globules to the earth below. Jotham frowned at this and was going to attempt to prepare one of his other Spells, when something else happened. A great disturbance in the Elemental Manna signaled a different fate that awaited the Overmage. In a matter of seconds, his opponent had decided the outcome of the battle for him.

Tremendous energy flowed to his opponent and then flowed out of his opponent. Jotham saw a burst of elemental lightning flowing out of his opponents' body. It did not matter that she was a girl. She was intending to kill him. Jotham saw his life of research and studying passing before his eyes for a few seconds and for once, his vast mind could not think of a back-up plan. At the last possible moment, Jotham launched a burst of Dynamic Fire to intercept the oncoming lightning strike. However, it was too late.

In a brilliant display of light and energy, a massive explosion crackled through through the air. Her lightning strike sizzled his Dynamic Fire for a few moments it seemed like his strategy might work. Yet, the pain in his leg made it difficult to properly concentrate and she had released entirely too much power for him to handle. Jotham's concentration was broken with an explosion of the Elemental Manna. Residue flew everywhere coating the Overmage with its residual energy. For a moment, the nimbus cloud of the Overmage burst out of his body as he faced certain death.

And then it happened. Thousands of volts of electricity careened through the Overmage's precious Dynamic Fire. So concentrated on his move was he, that when the electricity came, all he could do was close his eyes even as the Dynamic Fire flowed out of his body. It all came down to this one realization: I need more power. Jotham accepted his defeat and did not cower from it. Instead, he embraced the moment. The mometn arrived much faster than Jotham could have possibly anticipated. Crackling through the air, lightning burst upon the Overmage and he screamed in agony as he felt the tremendous heat. Burning at 60,000 degrees Fahrenheit, the lightning bolt was enough to fell the Overmage. He screamed when the intense heat and voltage licked his flesh. His body instantly crackled and broke apart from the massive amounts of energy sent his way. Jotham lastly remembered thinking: How could she have so much power!? Then darkness caved in his thoughts.

In the Firmanent, Valanthe's lightning bolt was all too effective. Jotham was burnt to a crisp almost instantly and there was nothing that would be left of the Overmage. Even in death his scream resonated throughout the battlefield, a symphony of anguish and pain. The electricity left nothing but a scarred a skeleton that was completely burnt beyond recognition and this signaled that the fight was over. With Jotham's remains falling to the ground silently, the Monks of the Order stepped in...

***

Sometime later, Jotham awoke with a start in the infirmary. He screamed out loud as a delayed reaction from the powerful strike that he'd just experienced. Jotham's hands touched various places of his body in sequence to check and see if he was still actually intact. Jotham looked around the room as a hand was placed on him. Several Monks were gathered attending to the services of the Overmage. More importantly, Jotham saw one familiar face: Duncan. The Overmage looked upon his old friend and sighed heavily, thankful for at least one positive memory out of this whole ordeal. When Jotham gathered his strength, he managed to speak.

"What was the point of that!? I told you I didn't want to fight, and you sent me off to a suicide mission." Jotham was shaking, and his entire body hurt with relentless agony. "What was the lesson in that?"

"To survive." Duncan responded calmly. "Against overwhelming odds. You proved you can hold your ground and passed the first test of our Order. I personally sent an Invitation in your name to the Grand Order of Magi under the Thayne, Khal'Jaren. We know you have taken an interest in this Thayne and we wish to assist in your studying of him." Duncan said. "As the Order of Ai'Bron, we cannot interfere directly in the affairs of the Thayne. However, we can send neutral agents to act on our behalf. We want you to be this neutral agent." Duncan concluded.

"Me? I'm just a bookworm. You saw how I did in that fight, I got myself killed. But because its you asking Duncan, I will do this task you have appointed for me." Jotham paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "When do we begin?"

"When you have fully recovered from your injuries. Jotham. We weren't able to heal you completely. There will be scars..."

"What kind of scars?"

"Markings from the Elemental Manna." Duncan tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Perhaps those will be of use to you down the road..."

"Perhaps. I'm pretty hungry, is there anyway I can score a bite to eat?"

[Valanthe]

Valanthe was shocked a simple lightning bolt could kill the man. She didn't have the strength to kill with lightning, or so she thought.

“Heh, must be pretty weak to die by lightning, yet, maybe I'm stronger than I thought. That must be it, I'm getting stronger.” Valanthe said.

“Does it matter now?” A monk asked.

Valanthe screamed as she jumped. Turning quickly she saw the monk standing quietly behind her.

“Come, let us depart this place, and check to make sure you aren't wounded.” The monk said.

He cast a spell on her that put her to sleep.

She woke up in a shared healing room, to the sound of someone wanting a bite to eat. Getting up, she peered around the corner to find her opponent talking with another man.

“Ahh, its you. I see they put us in a shared room. I trust my teeth didn't leave anything permanent. Did someone mention something about food? I could sure go for some right now, don't they have a tavern in here, or at least nearby?” Jiralyn asked.

She looked over at a monk who had approached her.

“What?” she asked.

The monk stayed silent, and merely handed her a slip of paper.

Your father's estate is located in Alerar near the town of...

She closed the note and put it away to finish reading later.

“So, what do you say to going out together and discussing our battle. I know my husband won't mind the extra time to read his way through the local library.” Valanthe said, making sure to mention Xos so her former opponent knew she wasn't available.

[Archanex Jotham]

Sitting up, Jotham groaned as he felt a bit of pain in his stomach. That's one of the regions that the lightning did the most damage to him. Having no real armor, the Overmage was easily done in by the advanced spell. Jotham looked at his opponent and the Monks in the room for a long while. All he could do was sit up. His eyes were lulled over with pain. Jotham felt the scars on his body, sighing visibly. The bed was a godsend. The mattress beneath him felt extremely comfortable to his battle-torn body.

Muscles bulged as the Overmage sat up, his body still reeling in tremendous amounts of pain. Looking at the girl for the first time since the battle had actually begun, the Overmage admired her beauty. Though he was in tremendous amounts of agony, her beauty was a source of comfort. She mentioned the word husband and that completely put the Overmage off the idea of pursuing his former opponent.

"That spell you used packs quite a punch. I doubt you are even aware of its effectiveness..." Jotham began. He tried to put on a smile, but his face became a grimace instead. Pain shot up and down his body centering from his stomach and radiating outward. Jotham groaned. He was attempting to get out of the bed, but the powerful hands of the Monks forced him to lay back down again. His eyes looked upon the girl for a moment. "I would like to see you again sometime, when I have grown stronger. Or even perhaps sooner."

After he said that to Valanthe, the Overmage's head sank against the pillow and he immediately drifted off to sleep. The Monks continued their medical work on the Overmage ensuring that he would survive. He would not be pretty, but he would survive...

[Valanthe]

Valanthe sighed inwardly as her former opponent groaned in the process of sitting up. Clearly he wasn't ready to be about yet, unless he was faking. She read her note one more time. Alerar, so that was where she had to go next. Valanthe wondered if all she would find were ghosts of the past, or if she had living relatives. The thought of having sisters was a pleasant one, even if they were only half sisters. A father to turn to for advice, brothers to lean upon when she was down. Valanthe wanted a family, but would never admit that to Xos, he was so engrossed in his work, she couldn't tear him away from it to be a father.

“Well, I can see your in no shape to be going about, so I'll be on my way then. We never did introduce ourselves. My name is Valanthe Xilanthese, wife of Dr. Xos Xilanthese. I am a Druidess, of the order of The Avatars of Nature, once known as the most fearsome grove of druids anywhere in Althanas, yet lamentably, I am all that remain, and I certainly do not have the power or oneness with nature to be considered one of her avatars.” Valanthe said.

She moved toward the door, stopped, and looked back for a few minutes.

"Until we meet again, when I become a real Avatar of nature." Valanthe said, then left.

[Taskmienster]

Jotham

Continuity 4
:: What purpose does this “Guild of Magi” have for you fighting? Why aren’t you with them, instead of sitting in some tower where the Ai’Bron can come get you at will? Who is Jotham? Why does he fight if he’s a pacifist? There are more questions than I could possibly think to type completely out. Remember, background is just as important as current happenings, and as it stands, there isn’t really much of either.

Setting 4
:: [[The old room smelled like ancient oak. Made entirely out of stone, the Wizard's Tower was erected out of the foundation of Radasanth proper.]] post 1:: It smelt like ancient oak, but was made entirely from stone?
:: Your setting description is bland, at best. There’s no real life in it. It’s just to the point; there is some stuff on a desk made of wood and there is a fire made of magic in the background. That doesn’t tell me anything as a reader. Other than to let my imagination attempt to figure out what’s where, what a “magic fire” looks like, and what kind of stuff could be on the desk. If you want to illustrate what’s on the desk, what the room looks like, and all the other details that would make it so I don’t have to go off my own imagination. Not that it’s a bad thing sometimes. But when it comes down to it, the setting just comes off as extremely dead.

Pacing 6
:: Pacing remained steady, though the other errors in the writing style and narrative slowed it down from time to time.

Dialogue 5
:: [[Seeing that Duncan motioned for Jotham to enter the chamber, the Overmage nodded and did as he was told. I'll be damned if you make me into one of your lost puppets! ]] post 1:: “lost puppets”? What is a lost puppet compared to what you’re doing? Why are you angry about, whatever it is you’re angry about? You need to remember that you need to give reason to your dialogue sometimes, and if you aren’t doing so through continuity or action, at least do so through narrative.

Action 2
:: [[Sensing a pull of the Elemental Manna, the Overmage grinned for he knew who was the presence behind the door.]] post 1:: One of my biggest pet peeves of all time… How can you “sense” magic? It’s not a skill or ability in your profile. It’s not something that has to do with the Overmage race. I looked, and nothing in your profile says anything about “sensing” magic. If you can’t sense it, don’t try and force that to happen. It makes no sense, and it just erks me to no end because being able to “sense” magic on another person like that instantly gives you a heads up about whether they cast a spell or not. That’s metagaming.
:: [[Elemental Manna cascaded through the air bursting periodically as flashes of light in the night. Wisps if one would.]] post 3; paragraph 1 :: How, again, do you see the flashes?
:: In the third post, for the first 3 paragraphs, you used this form of metagaming to know that there was something amiss, which I assume was your opponent’s transformation. However, knowing she’s transforming by being able to know the way the magic is changing is the exact same thing as what I’ve said I don’t like about the metagaming in the two comments above.

:: A lot of the action score is affected by the fact that I really don’t get anything from your writing to make the actions seem realistic. You write without any continuity to explain anything about what came before I started reading… and the goals that you start a fight with are lackluster and don’t make much sense either. I understand the goal is to get practice in the Citadel with the monks watching, but why? What purpose does this “Guild of Magi” have for you fighting? Why aren’t you with them, instead of sitting in some tower where the Ai’Bron can come get you at will?

Persona 3

Technique 4
:: [[The killing machine was going to tear him apart piece by piece if he was not careful, but, the Overmage would scar the killing machine to make sure that the thing remembered him always]] Post 5; paragraph 1 :: You overuse, in this sentence and in other parts of the narrative, “killing machine”. Try and be more descriptive, or at least use other synonyms for what you are attempting to explain is the wolf form of Valanthe.

Mechanics 5
:: [[Archanex Jotham had studied of these ancient cultures beforecomma finding little more than cryptic symbols and ancient folklore.]] Post 1:: I’m going to bold what shouldn’t be there, which is the “of” and a comma that was necessary.
:: [[Grass melted quickly becoming dust, and ash that flowed up in the air.]] Post 3; paragraph 6 :: Grass melted? Not sure how that happens exactly. But what I was quoting this for is because you didn’t need the comma after dust.

Clarity 4
:: [[Druidic order was known to reside in the wild lands of Corone.]] Post 1:: Following the sentence before it, it should have had something that made it connect to the Highlanders, if that’s what you intended for the sentence to mean. As it stands, a sentence alone, it makes little sense why it was added.
:: [[He was not certain was this tingle and strange feeling in his gut was.]] post 3; paragraph 2 :: This made absolutely no sense as a sentence, and as such, probably had some kind of grammar issue, but more likely just a word usage issue… or lack of some word that would have made it clear.
:: [[His blades moved down in an attacking motion, a vicious striking angle.]] Post 5; paragraph 4 :: “blades” should be blade, since you only have one… at least I think you do. Never saw mention of another.

Wild Card 5

Score: 42


Valanthe

Continuity 2
:: A monk approaches you, randomly on the street, after leaving the Citadel itself, and offers to find your father’s side of the family if you fight in the Citadel… that makes absolutely no sense. Why would the monk want to offer that to you to fight, when there are undoubtedly so many “warriors” piddling about in the Citadel already? How would the monk know that? Why does he know about Valanthe, other that supposed “secrecy” – which is a really good way to say that you have absolutely no reason to be writing in this battle and that the monk in question is just a very poorly constructed means of entering? It offers no continuity about Valanthe. Also, the poor means of creating a goal make everything else, such as the goal itself, not really mean much to the reader.

Setting 2
:: Like Jotham, your setting is to the point, and lackluster. It doesn’t really evoke any feelings in the reader, nothing to make me say “oh, look at that, I can see an actual picture of what they’re writing and feel what the character does”. It really just says what I commented in Jotham’s setting about, bland environment that offers nothing to the reader other than to force them to use their own imagination to create something. It’s dull, and rather flat. Try and keep the other senses involved, and inspire the reader’s attention to the setting in a way that makes them understand it through something other than just narrative.

Pacing 3
:: The pacing that you used was quick, sudden paragraphs that had little to do with anything. When you write a paragraph, try and keep it all to one subject, instead of starting with one subject, and transitioning to two others in the same paragraph… which is only about 5 sentences long to begin with. Also, the pacing was cut by the fact that you wrote in very short, choppy paragraphs that had a problem with overusing a word multiple times, and offered nothing more than to the point narrative.
:: [[Maybe she should turn back now, and use her other skills. No, there was more than one way she could use a wolf form.]] Post 4; paragraph 3 :: This is a perfect example of how the pacing was flowing throughout the entire thread. One thought, then suddenly another, and no reason to go from one to the next in such a way. Don’t just clutter your narrative with one sentence idea’s, it makes the entire pacing really quick, and makes no sense.

Dialogue 4
:: It was really only present at the very beginning, and very end. Without any true persona to back up the character, or continuity to give it depth, the dialogue seemed really childish.

Action 3
:: [[So why not do something more tactically sound, like holding her off with his staff, while pulling a dagger out of somewhere and plunging it in her chest?]] Post 4; paragraph 2 :: Tactically, that makes no sense. In a battle for survival, with someone that doesn’t do well with combat, it’s not really instinctual to perform some overly elaborate maneuver.
:: [[Valanthe let go of her face, the bleeding was stopping. She threw a lightning bolt at her opponent, using all the power she could muster. Not wasting any time, she began limping for cover.]] Post 6; paragraph 6, I suppose :: It’s been maybe half a second, and the bleeding was already stopping? Why? Do you have an unnatural ability to heal? If it’s been longer than a split second, it should realistically still be bleeding. Or, if you allowed the time to pass for it to slowly begin to stop, then you bunnied Jotham and made him stand there while the time passed. Also, how exactly does a wolf throw a lightning bolt? I think you forgot whether you were in wolf form or not, either that or you ignored the fact that you have transformed into a wolf which… according to your profile is “limited to normal non-magical non-elemental creatures”, and a lightning throwing wolf is neither non-magical nor non-elemental.

Persona 3

Technique 2
:: You have a habit of using the same exact word too many times in a row. It’s especially bad when you’re doing it to the point where multiple uses of the same word are being done in the same sentence. Below are examples::
-- [[Valanthe didn't know what sort of a curse affected the man to somehow trap him inside any library he dared to set foot in, but she was certain she would find a way to break that curse someday.]] post 2; paragraph 3 :: word overused – curse
-- [[First it sounded like a woman imitating a wolf, but each time it became more distinctly wolf like, until it sounded exactly like a snarling wolf.]] post 2, 5th post after the middle – word overused – wolf. You used it three times in the span of one sentence.

Mechanics 4
:: [[It was early afternoon, when Valanthe was passing through Radasanth.]] post 2; paragraph 1:: comma not necessary.
:: [[Right as she was considering this course of action, a sense of impending danger warned her that her target was moving, she backpedaled quickly, and got struck on both sides of her face with daggers.]] Post 6; paragraph 1 :: Run-on sentence, with two different trains of thought being forced together into one large clumped sentence.

Clarity 3
:: [[Valanthe looked down in time to see her opponent enter the arena.]] post 2, 3rd paragraph after the middle :: No, another huge pet peeve of mine is writing your opponent’s entrance. Not only does it obviously give you an advantage because now you wrote that he walked in above where you are perched, but it is a means of bunnying. Don’t do it. It’s not cool, and it’s a newbie mistake.
:: [[She held her bleeding face with her hands, anger blazing in her eyes. There were trees nearby, and some large rocks she could hide behind.]] post 6; paragraph 2 :: Hands? Do you mean paws? Or did you transform back and have hands again? Also, the two sentences back to back are a perfect example of what I said for pacing. Two very different trains of thought with different subjects, forced together into one paragraph, which was short and to the point.

Wild Card 2
:: Your lightning spell is WAY overpowered. I understand wanting to try and make the actual voltage equivalent to something in real life, but that’s far too much. That will have to be watched by you and other judges as other threads are completed, and changed to something much more simple upon your next level up.

Score: 28


Rewards:

Jotham :: 400 exp

Valanthe :: 100 exp

[Taskmienster]

Exp and Gp added.