Detention

[Twylith]

[ CLOSED TO: You know who you are... ]

Brielle walked through the giant double doors, and found herself in the commons area of her old high school. Looking behind herself, she noticed that the stone walls she'd just walked through were completely different on this side. They'd been replaced with the three sets of glass and metal double doors of her school. She could see the circle drive, the highway, and even beyond that she could make out the grocery store across the street. The same one she used to walk to on her lunch hour.

Turning around again, she observed the monks' work. The ceiling was high, with sun filtering down through the sky lights. Adjacent to her were big fat brick pillars. Four in total, lined up in front of the entrance doors. The carpet that lined the outer walkway was that mixed burgundy-grey-brown that was supposed to hide stains from clumsy kids. In the center of the room sat the lunch tables; big round fake wood and metal tables with four chairs each, and extra chairs stacked off to the sides. The tile underneath them was white flecked with grey, and separated from the carpet by a low brick wall topped with wood, about the height of Brielle's knees. It was completely deserted, and the empty lunch tables had an eeriness about them. It felt something like going to detention, and being in school when no one was supposed to be.

Directly across from the lunch area, and to Brielle's left, was the gym. The large double doors that kept the sweating kids from the eating ones were closed. Hallways split off from every direction. Two to the right, two more to the left, on either side of the gym, one more straight ahead. The walls were decked with trophy cases, with an entire wall dedicated to the only Heisman Trophy winner to come from this area. Pictures of kids in old-fashioned football gear were plastered in each and every case. One looking at these cases wouldn't even know that the girls' volley ball team had won state the last two years in a row. Brielle grew up in the Midwest, and football was the pastime here.

Brielle, perfectly decked out in her faded low-rise jeans, black converse and bright green t-shirt, was completely at home in this environment. She walked past the office, which was set into the wall at the right of the front doors. Her hand trailed along the plate glass walls, and she stared inside at the reception desk. Images flashed in her head of herself, standing at that desk, holding her stomach, insisting they let her go home before that big algebra test. Tears filled her cobalt eyes, and amazement welled up inside of her. "How could I miss something so trivial?" she asked herself.

This place had been her choice, of course. It had taken the monks hours and hours of questions, answers and detailed descriptions, to get it right. They weren't used to this type of setting. She expected they were more attuned to gladiator arenas, woody forests and giant ships. A high school must be completely foreign to them. This is where she wanted her fight to take place, however. Not only for strategic purposes, for she knew these halls upside down and backwards, but for the nostalgia of it.

True, she'd opted out of going home after finding herself stuck on this planet. The tragic memories that had been returned to her a month ago, led her to believe this was the better place for her. Her mother was gone, her father was gone. There was nothing left for her back on Earth. Althanas was her home now, and that was yet another reason to come to the Citadel. If she was to survive here, she needed to learn. So fitting, that she should learn to survive in her new home, by visiting her old one.

The semi recent loss of Zachary still stung. She missed his quips, his constant battling with Lillian. Every day she found she missed the craziest things about him. The smell of his cologne, the deep navy of his paramedics uniform, and the wrist watch he still wore, despite the fact it had stopped working. All of these things reminded her of home. He was her link to that home, her reminder that she used to have a family no matter how far away, or how far gone it was. He'd been her rock, and now that he was gone, she was just.. floating.

Now she was floating into a battle that she wasn't quite sure she was ready for.

When the doors at the end of the hall, on opposite side of the commons clicked open, Brielle's heart stopped. She saw the figure, silhouetted against the glass of the doors, and nearly cried. The woman was tall, lithe and leanly muscled. She could see the cut of her biceps, even from a distance. The jade armor she wore looked like something out of a video game, and her pinkish hair did nothing to soften her appearance. Brielle panicked, and hid behind one of the wide brick pillars near the front doors.

"Oh Jesus," she whispered, only to herself. "They said they'd put me up against someone of my level. Not a fucking Amazon woman!"

[JadeStorm]

Sun walked slowly, her steps measured and cautious. This environment was unlike anything she had seen before, though the communal eating area and sectioned rooms gave her a clue to the building's function. Though why her opponent would chose to fight in a prison, she wasn't sure.

As per usual, she was in the Citadel to quell the endless boredom of being stuck in Corone while her eccentric traveling companion searched endlessly for a pair of girls he claimed to know. She had long ago started to suspect that he searched for them for a less than honorable purpose. A twenty-some-odd year old male looking for two girls around sixteen years old was rarely an innocent endeavor. That was his business though.

Movement ahead caught her eyes, and she quickly loosed an arrow from her Jade bow. It sailed straight, impacting against the side of a large brick pillar. The result was somewhat spectacular to watch; she had infused the projectile with her limited Ranger magic, and given it a great amount of kinetic force. Red stone splintered out of the pillar in a violent but contained explosion that rumbled in her chest.

For whatever reason, Sun Zu Shang felt the need to talk tonight.

"Whoever you are, you should know that I absolutely hate cities! I've been stuck here for a month and a half while my partner searches endlessly for some random bimbo he apparently wants to sex up. I'm going insane and I promise you, whoever you are, I'm taking you with me!"

She loosed another arrow, and another miniature explosion sent stone chips flying from the brick pillar.

[Twylith]

Brielle hoped, desperately, that her opponent had a limited number of arrows. Each explosion sent chunks of brick flying, and her ears ringing. She found herself biting her tongue, to keep the screams welling up inside of her from bursting out. This wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind when she'd decided to fight here. She'd had images of harmless duels, Harry Potter style, Not this terrifying game of cat and mouse.

Brielle was crouched low behind the brick pillar, and from the voice of the woman, she was right on the other side. Brielle looked to her right, where sat one of the long hallways of the school. About ten yards away were the open doors to the auditorium. They sat at an angle, allowing easy access from both the hall, and the commons area. Brielle prayed silently that the Citadel monks were as good a healers as they said they were, and then she ran.

The archer was ready for her. Another arrow loosed, and Brielle barely withheld a scream as she felt it whip through her long red hair. The arrow zoomed past, and blasted a hole the size of a golf ball in the brick wall as she ran by. Little bits of brick peppered her exposed arm with tiny cuts, and Brielle pushed herself to run even faster. She sailed through the entrance of the auditorium, and hooked a left, running to the far back corner of the room.

The auditorium was set up as if for a play. All the lights were off, except the ones on the stage. This pleased Brielle to no end. Years of being called a drama geek would finally pay off, for she'd spent hundreds of hours in this very room. She knew the breaks in every row of seats, the quickest way onto the stage, and what lay beyond. She hoped the sudden slant of the floor in the seating area would throw the other woman off.

Brielle only had to glance at the stage, to know the set. It was balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. The fake wooden balcony which Brielle had painted herself, and the potted silk flowers that were supposed to represent a garden.

Brielle crouched low, and hid behind a row of seats in the darkness at the back of the room. She could hear the slow footsteps of the archer, and was hoping this change would reset the fight. When the reddish pink hair and bright green armor came into view, Brielle focused in on the woman's bow. She used her one gift acquired since coming to Althanas, and grasped the bow with an imaginary hand. Then, she tugged hard, with all of her willpower.

[JadeStorm]

Unprepared for the telekinetic attempt at thievery, but taught from youth to keep a tight grip on her weapon, Sun pretty much hit herself in the head with the bow. The edge of the jade construct poked her eye lightly, causing her to slap a hand over it protectively.

"Son of a whore!" The Ranger's voice matched the irritated scowl on her oriental face, and her posture made her anger all the more clear.

And then, she started to laugh. As much as she valued her pride, that had been funny. Or at least it would have been if it'd happened to someone else.

"Real cute, girl." Sun dropped her hand and blinked her eye repeatedly. A trail of tears ran down the side of her face. "You know, if you didn't want to play hardcore, you should have told the Monks."

Sun laid her bow on the edge of the stage, and quickly removed her quiver. The props sitting across the stage drew her eye, though she was unfamiliar with the story behind them. She knew it was meant to be a set for a play, however. Such things were relatively common in large cities, and she'd had a chance to view several of them since arriving in Corone. She climbed the set of stairs, and moved into one of the circles of light. Her armor gleamed a pale green beneath it, and it cast highlights over her pink hair.

"You shy? Come out here and play. Or at least say something. You're making me feel rejected."

[Twylith]

Brielle sat, leaning up against one of the auditorium seats. Her chest was heaving from her labored breathing. She was terrified, and fighting hard to calm her nerves.

"I'll admit, I bit off more than I could chew. I didn't expect them to put me up against Xena, Warrior Fucking Princess, though." As soon as the words were out of Brielle's mouth, she dropped to her hands and knees, and began crawling back towards the other side of the room. She'd had a sudden inspiration, a better idea of where this battle could take place. This room was too void of objects, as was the commons. She needed a room with something she could throw.

She heard the woman's tittering laugh, and peered around the rows of chairs. She eyed the little terracotta vases, grabbed two of them with her mind and pulled. Brielle didn't even take the time to see if any of them connected, she jumped to her feet and sprinted out of the auditorium, and further down the hall. Skittering to a halt, she hooked a right into her other favorite room in the school. The Art room.

The art room was huge, and cluttered. Long wooden tables sat in two rows on either side of the room, and one short row parallel to them at the back. The walls were filled with shelves, each one with a little basket that held supplies. Brielle pulled out basket after basket, spilling pens, pencils, paint brushes, markers, colored pencils all over the floor. At last she found the one she wanted, and grabbed two rectangular white boxes. Then, she ran to the back of the room, overturned the tables there, and crouched behind them.

Brielle opened both of the boxes, and dumped twenty X-acto knives onto the floor. She picked up one after another, pulling the little plastic sheaths off the blades. Her hands were shaking so badly, that she slipped twice, and cut both her thumb and forefinger. When she heard the archer's footsteps approaching, she grabbed roughly half of the knives in one hand, and the other half with her mind. Brielle raised the little knives up over the side of the table, splayed them out, and sent them in all directions.

[JadeStorm]

Sun had entered the room just in time to throw herself down on her face. Long metal pen-like items wizzed by overhead, tiny blades affixed to their heads embedding them in the walls randomly behind her. Had she been any slower, she likely would have been breathing through a new hole in her head. As it was, she was reasonably sure she'd gotten a haircut out of the deal.

"Thought you didn't want to play with projectiles?" Sun asked loudly as she pushed up from the floor. On a table beside her, a three foot length of thin metal gleamed in the artificial light of the prison. She snatched it up as she rose. Markings along the side seemed to denote distances or sizes, though the lettering was unlike any she had seen before.

A stray knife-pen zinged toward her as she reached her full height, and she swung her makeshift weapon instinctively. Being an Archer had other benefits when it came to fighting. She was adept with judging distances, as well as angles. A loud metallic thump echoed through the room as the metal objects connected, and the pen went spinning back toward its sender.

"And I'm not a princess. Or a Warrior! I'm a Ranger. And as for the fucking... well, if the time and place is right, I don't mind some company."

She got a glimpse of the redheaded girl as she dove out of the way of her own projectile, and a smirk grew on Sun's lips. "I definitely wouldn't mind entertaining you some night."

She threw herself to the ground as another volley of knives passed overhead.

[Twylith]

Brielle hit the ground with a soft oof!, and the tell-tale sensation of warmth spread over a spot on her right shoulder. She quickly examined the gash, noted that it wasn't life threatening, and sent the rest of her knives sailing toward the woman. They were, of course, dodged quite easily. Brielle was starting to get frustrated. She knew that sending off the last of her ammo so quickly was probably a dumb move, but she was ready for this to be over with. It felt like the woman was simply toying with her, like a cat that plays with a dead mouse before it eats it.

Crawling around the side of the table she'd overturned, Brielle spotted the art supplies she'd sent to the floor whilst looking for her knives. Out of ideas, she used her telekinesis to pick up a handful of them, and sent them toward her opponent.

[JadeStorm]

Sun started the movement to dodge by rote, but then stopped and let the collection of random objects hit her. None of them seemed to have a sharp edge, though a few of them would likely leave a bruise. Some hit her skin, some bounced away from her armor. She laughed quietly, then dashed across the room. In little more than a few strides, she had put her entire weight into her momentum. As she neared the overturned table the redhead had taken refuge behind, she threw her legs out ahead of her.

The wind left her body in a rush as she hit the ground, her feet sliding into the table. With a shuddering crash, the table spun around and fell on its top, the legs splayed out in the air. It was only by dumb luck that none of those wooden legs had slammed into either of the girls. Sun slid to a stop, her legs aching with the impact. The red-haired girl leaped to her feet and attempted to dart away, but not quickly enough. The Ranger's hand caught her foot and ripped it out from beneath her. She tumbled to the floor in a heap of limbs.

Sun grunted as she finally drew in a breath, the panicked sensation of suffocation fading away only slowly. A smile had turned her lips upward. Her voice was raspy. "I wasn't kidding you know. I'd bed you. Maybe even more than once, depending on how good you are."

Of all the battles she had used as an escape from the drab, boring reality of Corone, she was quickly finding this one to be the most interesting. In her head, she was beginning to entertain thoughts of another sort of battle with this girl, only this one taking place in a darker, more comfortable setting.

She rolled onto her stomach, and pushed up to her hands and knees. A starburst of pain flared in her side, and the air was driven from her lungs again. She collapsed back to the floor in a sprawl, her eyes blank with pain. Moments passed in silence, and then a woosh as air flowed back into Sun's lungs. Despite the pain, she smiled.

This one is feisty!

[Twylith]

Brielle reached down, grabbed the archer's arm, and flipped her over onto her back. She then straddled the woman's ribs, pulled her arms down, and clamped them under her knees. Her breathing was ragged, though not as bad as her opponents. She leaned forward, pressing the woman's shoulders down with her hands. Brielle felt the tickling sensation of blood dripping down her arm, and willed herself to ignore it. She looked the woman straight in her large brown eyes.

"Sorry to let you down, but I think I prefer a softer touch," she said. The ranger raised her eyebrows, and cocked her head to the side. Brielle was fully aware of the fact that her position was precarious at best, and wanted to get this over quickly. "Now if you'll agree, let's call this a draw. You drew blood, and I just got a pretty nice kick to the ribs. I'm obviously not ready for this shit, and I just want this to be over. Agreed?"

[JadeStorm]

Laying as she was, beneath the redhead, Sun couldn't help the fact that blood was rising to her face. She smiled mischievously, her right eyebrow still cocked upward.

"You came here as an enemy. You don't know much about my softer touches."

The redhead, as competent at war as one could expect for her lack of experience, obviously wasn't as adept at observation. She had failed to take a closer look at where she straddled the Ranger. Though the ridge of smooth jade that ran down the front of her armor, between her ribs, served no purpose in most engagements, it served one now. She smiled at the irony of her armor becoming her weapon, then arched her back upward. The ridge, positioned perfectly for her offensive use, slid upward along her 'enemy's crotch.

Taking a devious delight in the shocked expression on the redhead's face, Sun bucked upward with her hips and sent the girl sprawling overhead. She hit the ground rather lightly, considering the strength with which the Ranger had launched her. In a flash, Sun had reversed their positions, and was now on top. Only, she didn't straddle the girl as she had straddled the ranger. Her stance put her knee directly beneath the young girl's loins, with her right leg caught between the Ranger's toned thighs. Her hands gripped the girl's wrists and held them crossed above her head, against the ground.

"Gotta love it when the tables turn." Sun smirked, then leaned in quickly before the girl could muster a response and lightly bit the tip of her right ear. A second later, she was flying through the air, landing harshly on her back.

[Twylith]

Brielle climbed to her feet, dusting off her knees and butt. Her cheeks were as deep a red as her hair, and she could feel the heat radiating from them.

"Jesus, I should have just found a way home when Zachary disappeared," she muttered. Brielle walked over to the archer, and held her hand out to her. The woman grabbed it tentatively, and Brielle pulled her to her feet.

"Thanks for the fight," she began. Brielle found herself unable to look the woman in the eyes. Instead, her gaze drifted over the ruins of the classroom. "Again, it's obvious I've got a lot to learn, and I appreciate your not putting an arrow through me."

Now, Brielle looked the woman straight in the eyes. "But jesus, woman! I'm seventeen! Where I come from that would be illegal." Brielle's cheeks darkened even more at her own comment, and instead of facing her embarrassment, she turned heel and started walking off toward the arena's exit.

[JadeStorm]

"First, Zachary who?" Sun's voice sounded a mix of guarded emotion as well as faint jealousy. "Second, the laws of man shouldn't supersede the laws of nature. There is a saying regarding your objections, though it's normally misused by men. Unsurprising, considering they are pigs. 'If she's old enough to bleed, she's old enough to breed.'"

Sun began dusting herself off, taking stock of any damages. Her armor was unscathed, though she knew she'd have more than a few bruises came tomorrow. It'd been awhile since she'd had such a... vigorous... workout.

"You have the body for it, why not enjoy it? Also, who or what is Jesus?" Although from the tone the redhead had used while saying it, Sun was already guessing that where she came from, Jesus was slang for Shit!

[Twylith]

Brielle turned, a defeated look marring her delicate features. "Zachary Booth," she said quietly. "About the only friend I have here, save Lillian. Zachary and I are from the same.." Brielle trailed off, trying to grasp the right word. "World, I guess," she finished.

"Also, Jesus is a religious figure where I come from. To be honest, though, those that worship him wouldn't very much like my taking his name in vain." Brielle cocked her head to the side, and her brow furrowed. "I highly doubt you're very religious though, seeing as you think little girls are good sex toys." Brielle crossed her arms under her chest, and leaned against the door of the art room. Her body was sore beyond imagining, and she could use a good sleep. She let her eyes drift closed, and leaned her head against the door jam.

"I suppose I'll thank you for the compliment, though, if that's what it was," she said.

[JadeStorm]

Sun nodded at the appropriate points of the girl's explanations, though she felt a slight weight settle in her chest at hearing the name. This was the girl her traveling companion was looking for. But then again, that didn't necessarily mean Sun couldn't have a shot at the girl before she reunited them. A devious smile stretched across her lips again as she moved up to the girl. Still with her eyes closed, the redhead had left herself vulnerable.

With the speed of a snake, Sun pinched one of the girl's nipples through her sweat-glossed shirt. She danced backward from the wild flail that followed, and chuckled at the indignant bawl.

"Hey, hey! C'mon now. I was just playing. And yeah, we're done here. Come on, let's go find some food, and I can give you a few pointers." She smirked at the redhead and lifted her eyebrows twice in quick succession, adding a hint of innuendo to her words. Alien instruments cracked and rustled under her feet as she made her way out of the Art Room, motioning the girl to follow.

[Twylith]

Brielle caught up to the ranger, and walked side-by-side with her. She wasn't sure if dinner with the woman was a good idea, but her stomach had been filled with nothing but Lillian's stale bread and water for quite some time now. It seemed that her stomach was leading her for the moment.

"Food sounds awesome, but I'm not leaving you alone with my drink. God knows I'll come back to a roofie or something," Brielle said. The ranger gave her a questioning glance, and she sighed. "A roofie is a drug used to rape people. I can tell our dinner conversation will be interesting, to say the least." Brielle finished.

Giving her new friend a sideways glance, Brielle asked, "What's your name, anyway? Mine's Gabrielle, but you can call me Brielle."

"Sun Zu Shang," the woman said. Brielle nodded absently. As they walked through the commons, she sneaked one last look around the building, and sighed regretfully. At least now, she knew some way she could see her old home again.

When the pair got to the door, Sun opened it for Brielle, and when the red-head walked through it, Sun gave her a quick smack on the ass which sent the teenager squealing again.

"You have really got to learn some self-control, woman!" Brielle shouted. Sun merely laughed, and followed her out.


I must say, I didn't plan for this battle to turn into a lesbian love fest, but there you have it. I guess Brielle is just too hot to resist!

Jadestorm requests Brielle's virginity as a spoil, however I think I'll be the judge of that.

I request.. nothing, really. But so you know, Brielle's telekinesis is going to be requested in another thread which (due to liquid time, and our impatience) is not completed yet, and actually takes place before this one.

[Taskmienster]

Detention: The request was moderate commentary, so I’m going to do what I normally do for judging and comment where necessary. If anything is unclear, or you would like further help with something that I commented on, feel free to PM me or catch me on AIM at TheTaskmienster.

First score listed is going to be Twylith, the second score is going to be JadeStorm.



Continuity [T: 4/JS: 4]

Twylith

Your intention is to get better as a common Althanas denizen, working to learn to fight and survive. I’m understanding that. But what came before then? It’s obvious you’re not from Althanas, the fact being in the very setting itself, but there isn’t a whole lot that you gave the reader as far as background information. I’d suggest taking the setting, and as I commented below, using it in a broader scope. You can use the setting to remember things about who you are and where you came from, and from there can narrative-ly tell the reader about the character without having to write a paragraph that is set apart about their history.

JadeStorm

Like your opponent, you explained enough for a reason to be in the Citadel, but not enough outside of that or any background information on who the character is. See her comments for what I mean, I don’t think there was much difference in what both of you had with continuity, which is why I’m not going to copy/paste it down here. :p

Setting [T: 5/JS: 4]

Twylith

:: Your opening post was descriptive of the environment, but not altogether interestingly worded. It was like reading a technical manual on the layout of a high school lunch room. Try and add a little bit of feeling into the setting, not just what you see but use the other sense as well. I’m sure that the monks could have had a bit of an imagination regarding a high school… allowing them to make some questionable cafeteria food that would smell like something. How was the lighting? What did things feel like? Do memories create a taste on your tongue, like remembering the way the food tasted? Things like that take the setting from being a forced environmental aspect that must be known for others to join, and turn them into something that actually invites the reader to take part in your world.

JadeStorm

I gave you a slight disadvantage because though you followed Twylith through the high-school environment, you didn’t really give me as the reader anything for setting. You can elaborate and continue descriptions, use the setting to your advantage, and give the reader something else to look at instead of letting your opponent write out all the details and adding none yourself. Feel free to express something as you go, if you want to add something about the art room, by all means do so. Not everything can be described by one writer, and as such, not everything will be.

Pacing [T: 3/JS: 5]

Twylith

:: You created more and more settings, without really allowing the reader to invest any interest in the previous one. The quicker you jump from one thing to another, the harder it is to follow for the reader. Though the pacing might be quick because it’s a battle, it still needs to flow well, and instead of jumping so fast you should slow down and develop a story, or at least give more narrative reason for the sudden jump and sprint tactics the character uses.

JadeStorm

I gave you the advantage here because you didn’t set the pace, but kept up with it rather well. Instead of just going with the flow, try and make something happen, change the pacing to your advantage, or at least help keep it consistent as you go. You did an ok job of the consistent pacing, but didn’t do much else.

Dialogue [T: 4/ JS: 4]

JadeStorm

:: Your opening bit of dialogue was a little cliché, reminded me more of an opening for an anime than a book of any kind. I’d suggest that you give a little more reason behind her tone, personality, and dialogue before you jump into “I'm going insane and I promise you, whoever you are, I'm taking you with me!" If I didn’t know the character, I now have the impression that she kills because she’s bored, and is going insane with boredom, which makes her more of a serial killer loose in the Citadel then a deep character.

Action [T: 5/JS: 4]

Twylith

:: I have no clue, at all, where you got telekinetic powers… it’s not in your profile, and I checked through all your posts on the site and notice that you haven’t completed any quests or anything where it might have been rewarded. So, where exactly do you have that ability? If it’s not listed, your character doesn’t have it. As such, I’m going to have to dock for power-gaming, not sure what else to call it.

And then, at the end, I see where it came from. However, you’d still need to wait till your next update to use it unless it was approved for use till the next update. Either way… can’t use it unless it’s approved for use, and since the other thread is both not done yet, nor judged and the spoils from it aren’t approved yet either… I still have to consider it a form of power-gaming.

EDIT: However, because you were misinformed about the use of powers on Althanas, I’m not going to dock points for this section. In the future, know that unless a thread is judged, and the spoils approved, you should be careful about using abilities. If you want to use them, make a note that refers to the thread you would have received them from had the judge been quicker about it, and that you have the permission of your opponent to use them.

Persona [T: 4/JS: 4]

:: Neither of you really showed a lot of personality with the characters, other than something that was rather cliché at first, and then switched to something completely different as the battle went on. Try and remember to keep in the same mind-set as you start with.

Technique [T: 4/JS: 3]

:: Not a whole lot of advanced technique for either of you… just a little here and there but nothing amazingly alluring. Take the time to throw a little bit of advanced technique into your writing, make it a bit more attractive. You don’t have to ignore your writing style to create overly flowery descriptions and draw out the writing, just throw a little here and there.

Mechanics [T: 6/JS: 7]

Twylith

:: [[A high school must be completely foreign to them.]] :: “must be” is present tense, and the majority of writing, both your own and standard, is going to be past tense. “Must have been” would have kept it past tense. [post 1]

:: [[This is where she wanted her fight to take place, however.]] :: “This” is also present tense. You can write the opening to that, and this is just one suggested way, “It was” instead of “This is”.

:: The rest of the mistakes by both of you were small ones, commas needed here and there, little sentence structure errors. Nothing that’s not hard to fix, but stuff that when done post-by-post add’s up.

Clarity [T: 5/JS: 6]

Wild Card [T: 5/JS: 5]

Twylith

:: You seem to have a connection with the character Chucklecut, not sure if you’re the same writer as or if you’re friends with JadeStorm. In any case, it’s best not to bunny your opponents into the arena. Even with permission it’s normally better to allow them to write their character into the battle as they see fit and how they want, otherwise it just looks like you’re writing for both people in which case it’s not really that fun. Just be careful about the bunnying.

:: [[The archer was ready for her. Another arrow loosed, and Brielle barely withheld a scream as she felt it whip through her long red hair.]] :: This is the first part of the third paragraph in your second post. The entire paragraph was bunnying. You can’t control your opponent’s actions. Even if you’re making them hurt you. [post 3]

EDIT: As a result of talking to you both through PM, and realizing that you were allowing bunnying, I’m not going to dock as I did originally. The changed score will be added to the final. In the future, if you are going to allow each other to bunny, make a note of it first thing so that the judge knows before they start reading that it’s allowed and they won’t dock for it.


Score: EDIT: The score changed, and the winner is now Twylith.

Twylith: 45

JadeStorm: 40


Rewards: EDIT: The rewards have been switched because of the results of the change in score.

Twylith: 475 exp | 85 gold

JadeStorm: 145 exp | 65 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.