Atzar
02-10-10, 02:54 AM
Hey all.
I'm working on a solo with an alternate of mine, and I just spent the last hour or so putting the first post together. I'd just like some quick thoughts on it - what you think of my writing style, what could be better, whether it captures your interest, mechanical errors if you find them, that sort of thing. It's only one post, so it shouldn't take all that long for you and I'd really appreciate your time. I'm still trying to come back, and I'm thinking maybe having some things to work on in my writing will give me some incentive. Of course, positive comments are always nice to hear as well ;) Writer's Block is a bitch - it'll clear just long enough for me to write out a post or two, and then the "Fuck this" sets back in.
Here's the post.
Caww! Caww! Caww!
The harsh cries from overhead were startlingly close. From the base of a large tree a pair of brown eyes looked up, pinpointing their source. It was a big crow, very big, and it was perched in the lower branches of the tree Huacamon rested beneath. The bird cocked its head, returning his gaze through one intelligent eye for a moment before lifting its head.
Caww! Caww!
Once again, the strident cries were swallowed up by the dense surrounding jungle. As the big warrior continued to watch, the crow began to preen its glossy black feathers with its beak. It almost seemed to be waiting.
Huacamon looked away, shifting his position slightly on the big root upon which he was seated. He couldn’t explain it, but something about the large bird’s presence made him feel uneasy. His eyes roved warily through the obscuring greenery, and his hand sought out the spear at his side for reassurance.
Caww! Caww! Caww!
Even though he’d heard the cry not half a moment ago, the noise still startled him once again. The rough bark of the tree lightly scraped his bare, golden back as he rose to his feet. Something wasn’t right. Aside from the black bird’s call, the noises of the jungle seemed natural. A cacophony of insects created their din, interrupted only by the occasional bird, monkey, or other jungle creature. As Huacamon stood still his eyes moved faster through the wilderness, picking out each tree, each fern, each stray ray of afternoon sunlight breaking through the canopy. Once more he glanced upward at the crow. It was silent now, powerful talons clinging to a branch as it, too, watched the surrounding jungle with its beady eye.
That was when he heard it. Something big crashed through the undergrowth, coming closer with every bound. The warrior stared hard through the jungle in the direction of the noise, spear at the ready, but still did not move. The noise was of prey, not predator; no prospective hunter would be so loud if it was intent on catching a meal. And while there was quite possibly a predator in the victim’s wake, it had clearly already chosen a target. The Zentec warrior knew the jungle, and he knew not to run – it would attract only the wrong sort of attention. Still, instincts began to fight knowledge as the quarry drew closer. The noises were those of a large animal, possibly a large wild pig or tapir. Few jungle predators would attack a fully-grown tapir. Finally, the warrior spotted the creature as it burst through the dense growth. A tapir, indeed. The dark-brown, piglike creature was about as long as Huacamon was tall, and sheer panic shone in its eyes as it fled with surprising speed. Things began happening quickly.
Hot on its tail was a golden creature, flashing lithely between trees, around brush and over roots with infinite grace, gaining on its prey with every bound. It was close enough now for Huacamon to make out the black rings on its sides and back, and its eyes were the intense, golden eyes of a killer. The warrior no longer had to fight the urge to run, but instead felt a mixture of awe and respect. It was a jaguar, maybe the largest he had ever seen. The tapir was doomed; the remainder of its life could be measured in mere seconds.
The kill happened not twenty feet away. With one great leap, the predator closed the final feet between it and its prey, latching onto its back. The tapir squealed an agonized squeal as sharp teeth entered the back of its neck, and blood began to flow. The extra weight knocked the big creature off-balance, and it fell heavily to the jungle floor with a thud. The jaguar landed lightly astride the struggling creature, and teeth flashed for the exposed neck. Almost instantly, the struggles ended and the squeals were silenced. The prey was dead, and the predator began to eat.
The jaguar’s golden eyes left its meal for a second and settled on the warrior, and instantly Huacamon understood why a God had chosen the form of the jaguar. The huge cat was a fearsome sight. Blood dripped from the long fangs, and the light of the hunt had not yet left the killer’s eyes. At the same time, the beast was beautiful, its golden coat a sharp contrast to the green and brown of the jungle behind it. Indeed, the Zentec felt that he was standing in the presence of a God.
After what seemed like an eternity, a rush of wings interrupted his reverie. The crow had seen enough, and disappeared into the jungle with a few beats of its strong wings. The jaguar returned to its feast, ripping into the fresh meat with purpose. Huacamon finally began to move, backing away from the awesome predator one step at a time. The beast showed no further interest, and he turned and moved hastily into the jungle. His heart pounded with excitement as his speedy gait ate up the land, leaving the scene of the kill behind.
Again, thanks in advance for your time.
I'm working on a solo with an alternate of mine, and I just spent the last hour or so putting the first post together. I'd just like some quick thoughts on it - what you think of my writing style, what could be better, whether it captures your interest, mechanical errors if you find them, that sort of thing. It's only one post, so it shouldn't take all that long for you and I'd really appreciate your time. I'm still trying to come back, and I'm thinking maybe having some things to work on in my writing will give me some incentive. Of course, positive comments are always nice to hear as well ;) Writer's Block is a bitch - it'll clear just long enough for me to write out a post or two, and then the "Fuck this" sets back in.
Here's the post.
Caww! Caww! Caww!
The harsh cries from overhead were startlingly close. From the base of a large tree a pair of brown eyes looked up, pinpointing their source. It was a big crow, very big, and it was perched in the lower branches of the tree Huacamon rested beneath. The bird cocked its head, returning his gaze through one intelligent eye for a moment before lifting its head.
Caww! Caww!
Once again, the strident cries were swallowed up by the dense surrounding jungle. As the big warrior continued to watch, the crow began to preen its glossy black feathers with its beak. It almost seemed to be waiting.
Huacamon looked away, shifting his position slightly on the big root upon which he was seated. He couldn’t explain it, but something about the large bird’s presence made him feel uneasy. His eyes roved warily through the obscuring greenery, and his hand sought out the spear at his side for reassurance.
Caww! Caww! Caww!
Even though he’d heard the cry not half a moment ago, the noise still startled him once again. The rough bark of the tree lightly scraped his bare, golden back as he rose to his feet. Something wasn’t right. Aside from the black bird’s call, the noises of the jungle seemed natural. A cacophony of insects created their din, interrupted only by the occasional bird, monkey, or other jungle creature. As Huacamon stood still his eyes moved faster through the wilderness, picking out each tree, each fern, each stray ray of afternoon sunlight breaking through the canopy. Once more he glanced upward at the crow. It was silent now, powerful talons clinging to a branch as it, too, watched the surrounding jungle with its beady eye.
That was when he heard it. Something big crashed through the undergrowth, coming closer with every bound. The warrior stared hard through the jungle in the direction of the noise, spear at the ready, but still did not move. The noise was of prey, not predator; no prospective hunter would be so loud if it was intent on catching a meal. And while there was quite possibly a predator in the victim’s wake, it had clearly already chosen a target. The Zentec warrior knew the jungle, and he knew not to run – it would attract only the wrong sort of attention. Still, instincts began to fight knowledge as the quarry drew closer. The noises were those of a large animal, possibly a large wild pig or tapir. Few jungle predators would attack a fully-grown tapir. Finally, the warrior spotted the creature as it burst through the dense growth. A tapir, indeed. The dark-brown, piglike creature was about as long as Huacamon was tall, and sheer panic shone in its eyes as it fled with surprising speed. Things began happening quickly.
Hot on its tail was a golden creature, flashing lithely between trees, around brush and over roots with infinite grace, gaining on its prey with every bound. It was close enough now for Huacamon to make out the black rings on its sides and back, and its eyes were the intense, golden eyes of a killer. The warrior no longer had to fight the urge to run, but instead felt a mixture of awe and respect. It was a jaguar, maybe the largest he had ever seen. The tapir was doomed; the remainder of its life could be measured in mere seconds.
The kill happened not twenty feet away. With one great leap, the predator closed the final feet between it and its prey, latching onto its back. The tapir squealed an agonized squeal as sharp teeth entered the back of its neck, and blood began to flow. The extra weight knocked the big creature off-balance, and it fell heavily to the jungle floor with a thud. The jaguar landed lightly astride the struggling creature, and teeth flashed for the exposed neck. Almost instantly, the struggles ended and the squeals were silenced. The prey was dead, and the predator began to eat.
The jaguar’s golden eyes left its meal for a second and settled on the warrior, and instantly Huacamon understood why a God had chosen the form of the jaguar. The huge cat was a fearsome sight. Blood dripped from the long fangs, and the light of the hunt had not yet left the killer’s eyes. At the same time, the beast was beautiful, its golden coat a sharp contrast to the green and brown of the jungle behind it. Indeed, the Zentec felt that he was standing in the presence of a God.
After what seemed like an eternity, a rush of wings interrupted his reverie. The crow had seen enough, and disappeared into the jungle with a few beats of its strong wings. The jaguar returned to its feast, ripping into the fresh meat with purpose. Huacamon finally began to move, backing away from the awesome predator one step at a time. The beast showed no further interest, and he turned and moved hastily into the jungle. His heart pounded with excitement as his speedy gait ate up the land, leaving the scene of the kill behind.
Again, thanks in advance for your time.