One more at the edge of a sword

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro had left the inn as quickly as he could to catch up with Van. He was not going to let a valuable teem mate leave that easily. He followed the slight prints in the dirt and grass that Van barely made. He was definately a profecional, Haro gave him that. The walk was long and he had to run to catch up, but Haro found a fresh print.

Van was found over near a small abandoned village. Just a couple of buildings that were left there.
"Thought you could leave that easily? I still want my match, and I want a condition." Haro stood strong and confidient infront of van, anything else besides a fight was put out of his mind. His heart pounded with excitement and he shook with anticipation, and the long run. He took several deep breaths to calm himself and did his best to recover from the run. "So? whats your answer?"

[Ivory Evil]

The full moon lit a series of scattered buildings, which had up until recently been the peaceful town of Firehorn. Just weeks prior the town was infected by a plague that would bring death and decay to all of the minute Village's inhabitants. Within weeks everyone was dead, leaving only hollowed bones and a foul smell to linger. In the heart of the place was a bone littered courtyard, that was surrounded on all sides by crumbling two story buildings. In the middle was a small fire pit, that was warming a well dressed man. He wore a flawless ivory suit and was prodding the fire with the blade of a katana. His name was Vandahir Elaredhal, but he was better known as the Plague Bringer.

Van had recently returned from a bar called the Peaceful Promenade, where he had consumed ale and consorted with several would be heroes. The ivory bandit took a liking to one, a warrior named Haro, in particular. Something about the man's eager determination to sharpen his skills had an impact on Van. The two were very similar in that aspect.

Citadel here I come!. Van had dreamed of fighting in the citadel since he was a pre-teen and that gave him the drive to endure the grueling trek to Radasanth.

Over the crackle of the yellow flame a voice rang, one that sounded oddly familiar. "Thought you could leave that easily? I still want my match..." Van turned his head to the skinny frame of Haro, the man he had met earlier in Underwood. "So? What's your answer?"

Van withdrew his warm blade, The Spinetapper, from the fire and grinned menacingly. "You followed me here Haro?" He question, scanning the stalker with his piercing crimson eyes. He remembered talking to Haro about a sparring match, but he didn't expect to be stalked through the night by the blonde haired man. "I guess I just can't get rid of you, huh? Well in that case you'll have your match."

The Plague Bringer rose from his fire side seat and faced Haro, ready to teach him not only a lesson in manners but also combat.

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro Hailblade was glad that Van had taken him up on his offer. "The condition is that if I win you come back with me to do the mission. After all, we need all the warriors for the raid." Haro drew his sword. The ring of steel echoing in the charm, which brought to life a melody. Nerrit few off a safe distance in the air to keep away from the fighting.

"Are you ready?" Haro baited. The winged dawn, his training sword reborn, was comfortable in his grip. He held it like he would shake a friends hand.

His stance steady, his blade sure. Haro loosened the parchment in the book pouch and took out his pen. Just in case.

[Ivory Evil]

The crackling yellow flame barely illuminated Van's face enough to reveal a menacing grin. He had been stalked be many women before, but never a man, let alone one he had met in a bar. Thoughts raced through his head as he peered at his opponent, trying to establish a game plan. How would he win this battle without causing permanent harm? It was a question that echoed in Vandahir's head since the fight had been offered. He was starting to get the feeling that he wanted harm to come to Haro the more his blood boiled. He was insulted that Haro had saught him out in the first place, but he would take all that into account when the time came, right now it was time to get busy.

He listened to his foe's condition but all he could do was let out a snide smirk. Giving me conditions? You're the one who wants this fight, maybe I should be making conditions. Van slowly lifted the Spinetapper in front of his face showing that he was ready for the fight ahead.

"Yeah I'm ready, give me your best shot!" He retorted in a cocksure fashion before swinging his katana through the ash and air. It sang a brilliant song of death as it sliced through the aura around Van.

Damn right I'm ready.

Van tightened his grip and charged Haro, slashing his blade through the vacant air ahead. His speed was so unnatural that he caused the air around him to sweep away. With his target in sight, and in reach, he swung hoping to connect with Haro's midsection.

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro stood there, measuring the distances between them and the length of Vans sword. Calculating, judging, taking in the terrain. He adjusted his grip on Winged Dawn and prepared for the first move.

Van attacked. His cruel blade reaching hungrily for Haro. Haro blocked the vicious barrage of the curved sword. The clash of steel made the charm in the sword echo the fight. Haro kept the hungry sword at bay, backing up slowly to make room.

Then Haro found an opening. He circled a high swing over his head and down into the dirt and followed the blade's length up to the wielder.

[Ivory Evil]

Wow, another walking cliche. Van thought as his blade was pummeled into the dirt. It was an amateur move that the ivory clothed man had seen played out many times in the past. To no surprise Haro raised his blade, leaving his thin torso well exposed. The ivory bandit grinned as he used his spare moments to prepare his next strike.

The hesitant rise of Haro's sword gave Van a moment to push back, giving him just enough room to unleash a ball of flames. At the current distance, it would be nearly impossible for Haro to dodge the spell, not to mention horribly painful if it did connect. The red flame flickered, reflecting a sea of crimson off of Van's white dress coat. The area around the two was momentarily illuminated by the radiant light of flames.

"Let's see you block that." A tone of annoyance rang in Van's voice.

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro reached within and pulled the source of his strength to spin counter clock wise and duck. Just barely missing the fire ball and burning his vest.
Haro rolled away from piro-powered swordsman. Pulled off his vest. And pulled a sheet of parchment from the book pouch and started writing.

"That was good, but this is better." Haro finish the short sentence in the ancient script and tossed the page in the air with the writing facing his opponent and thrust his open hand, with the pen held with three fingers, against the page. The ink started illuminating gently as the air around the parchment froze. A ball of ice formed out of the words and flew forward, destroying the page as it left.

Haro got to his feet and followed after. His sword ready and his pen close to another parchment.

[Ivory Evil]

Okay just so I have this all straight. I looked through your profile, many times, and have read nothing about enhanced agility or speed. On the other hand Van does, he's 1.5x faster than Haro for that matter. With all that to consider, we were at extreme close range, judging by your ability to parry my sword into the dirt and be within distance to actually strike me. I assume your sword couldn't be much longer than 4' long, making us within or less than that length from each other. I casted an instant (fireball) from that range, considering I have enhanced speed and your clearly exposed torso, but some how you had time to not only halt your attack but also spin, duck, and roll? Then you go on to not only discard your burning coat, make a remark, pull out both paper and pen, scribble "all over the paper" floating through mid air, catch it, turn it around and touch it, remark again, and cast the spell; all while Van is just standing there? Just making sure I am following the thread correctly, let me know if my assumptions were wrong.

Second note due to post changes: I wasn't saying you were power playing. That's not my choice it's the judges. I can't just go changing my entire post due to your changes man, if that's how the website worked nothing would ever get done, threads would be stuck in a constant state of change... I was simply pointing it out so you could fix it in the future. I have tons of stuff to write and I can't be constantly devoted all my attention to a single post, just move along with the battle and please change your last post back to it's original.

The man had not only managed to dodge Van's spell but also complete a string of tasks, all before Van could remove his blade from the dirt. He some how had a sudden burst of extreme speed that left Van bedazzled. Even with the ivory suited man's enhanced speed, he was no match for the antics of Haro, who ended his flurry with an impressive show of scription. The air around Van suddenly became increasingly devoid of oxygen as he began to realize he was no match for the platinum blond titan who had made a mockery of him moments prior.

In an act of desperation, the Plague Bringer cast the one spell he had that could stop the advance of the ice rushing towards him, followed closely by the titan, Haro. Where did his paper go? Van thought as he was shrouded by a sea of crimson. He had summoned his fire barrier, which had protected him from so many spells in the past. Judging by Haro's sudden burst of unrealistic power it wouldn't be enough though. With a sigh and a wince, he prepared for the oncoming projectile.

That's it?

Van was surprised that he was able to stop the coming ice. With a matter of haste Van raised his katana single handedly, to parry his foe's telegraphed strike, but before their swords could clash he let loose a single dart from the breast pocket of his coat. It wasn't well aimed, but it would do. Despite Van trying to hit Haro's throat, it rushed towards his slender chest. If Haro was to somehow dodge the dart, Van prepared himself to follow up with a single slash of his blade, one that would certainly end this duel.

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro watched as his projectile was utterly obliterated by the wall of fire. Haro continued using his discipline to keep himself going toward van.

The wall of fire fell down and there was an object flashing though the air. Haro had no time to move out of its way, but enough to keep it from anything important. The dart hit and Haro stumbled slightly to the side, swinging his blade at Van as he fell to the ground.

The dart stung where it hit his shoulder. His arm had a shooting pain in it, but not enough pain to cause a great distraction. Haro got back up while he slid in the dirt and prepared for another attack.

[Ivory Evil]

The stumbling hero had lost whatever power had possessed him moments earlier. However in his advance he was able to block the dart, with his arm, which caused him to lose his footing. In a desperate lunge the man swung a inaccurate blow, which Van easily side stepped. During his fall Haro managed to pick up dust and make a mockery out of the duel.

This guy can't be serious. Van thought, quickly gathering the confidence he had lost moments earlier, during the mans startling display of prowess. Haro regained his posture only to meet the end of Van's blade, which was now hovering just inches from his throat.

"Haro I think this fights over," A menacing grin shot across the pale face of Van. "You might want to go get that dart removed in Underwood before it causes permanent damage. Don't forget this isn't the citadel, there won't be any monks here to heal you." Van stated while tapping his blade against the soft flesh of Haro's neck.

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro sighed. "Well I guess there's no helping it, but you must promiss not to tell any one. I that under stood?" Haro took off his shirt to reviel intricate tribal tatoos that sealed away the power hidden within, which a few moments ago had emerged without his call.

"I have never shown this to any one. Its one of the greatest secrets ever." Haro concentrated his Chi to the tatoos. They began glowing and and slowly erasing themselves, like they never existed. "I am a winged....."

The force of the seal releasing spread out from Haro. Light eminated from him for a short time, and six wings extended to their full length. " I give you this offer, you ma join us in the raid, and posibly gain. continue to fight for entertainment, or walk away now, and wait another day to continue our battle."

[Ivory Evil]

The display painted an awe inspired smile across Van's face. He sheathed his sword, signifying that the battle was over. He wasn't giving up, but he wasn't about to kill the only friend he had met in Underwood. He was an evil bastard, but friends were few and far between for the ivory clad villain.

"I will come back with you Haro, participate in the raid, and maybe we can even continue our duel at a later time. Maybe in a place better suited for friends to fight, I was thinking the citadel." He retorted, after all he wanted to see what exactly Haro's hidden powers were capable of. "Oh and this," he tore the dart from Haro's arm causing it to spray a stream of crimson blood, "is mine."

Go ahead and finish the thread out with your next post Haro.

[Haro Hailblade]

Haro didn't even wince when the dart was removed. He couldn't really feel it. "I am glad you're joining, mostly because after my wings go away, I don't think I'll be able to stand on my own. Takes too much energy to release it, and puts too much away when it goes away." Then the wings glowed and folded against Haro's back as the tatoos returned.

"oh, here I go." Haro dropped to a knee as the last of the iron will was put to staying awake so he could mend himself. Haro worked on the injuries he sustained with a small kit that he kept in his pack. "Tomarrow, when I can move again, we will set out for the inn. And then make our plans there."

ps to the moderator, I approve of Vans bunnying

[Mutant_Lorenor]

Gentlemen. Thank you for your patience. I know you requested a light commentary judgment, but I saw room for improvement from both of your guys effort. This battle was a quick read and I was able to get it done immediately. I had fun writing this judgment and I had fun reading the thread. Keep up the good work you guys. And for the future, it is not necessary to post OOC comments about a power-gaming incident Van. Keep those comments out of the battle, and just contact one of us in the moderator body. We will sort the situation out.

Here is my judgment!

***

Story-

Continuity-

Ivory Evil-4/10-I think you could have placed a little more effort here in terms of dictating the events you guys were talking about. Both of you mentioned that you had met in a previous inn-meeting at the Peaceful Promenade but I don't get much else other than that. You had Van in a destroyed village and I wish I could have found out what happened to these doom-fated villagers. Did Van cause the destruction or something even more sinister? You missed an opportunity here to get your score much higher.

Haro Hailblade-3/10-I got a little mention of the previous Peaceful Promenade meeting that lead Haro to follow Van in the first place. After that, I got a bit more of the larger story towards the end and the last few posts. Though I wasn't blown away, you did score closely to your opponent's because of that fact.

Setting-

Ivory Evil-3/10-In the beginning you did really well to paint Van's dark world. However, about the middle of the thread, the setting seemed to vanish almost entirely. I would have really liked to know what happened to those villagers! Always use your plot devices in a solid story.

Haro Hailblade-1/10-Aside from a couple of incidents, most noticeably, when Haro fell to the ground, I didn't get much setting from you. Setting is a depiction of the world that you're writing in and you want to paint a world that absorbs the reader. I had a hard time understanding Haro's world. You improved slightly towards the end.

Pacing-

Ivory Evil-5/10-Your general pacing improved here. Your actions were easy to understand and flowed (Except when you got power-gamed) into other actions quite smoothly.

Haro Hailblade-2/10-The pacing was hurt when you power-gamed. (See Wild Card below) In the future, you want to be weary of power-gaming as it throws the entire story off and forces people to react to what you were attempting to do.

Character-

Dialogue-

Ivory Evil-4/10-I got, once again, a bit of dialogue from you. I got more internal dialogue this time than your previous outing that I judged. Though it still could have been done better. I'm not saying I want to see Van become a deeply philosophical character, but more insight into what Van is all about and what motivates Van would be useful into making your stories much better.

Haro Hailblade-5/10-I got more dialogue from your character than Van. Though I know nothing of Haro, the dialogue was at least partially interesting which earned you a 5 here. The end dialogue was even more interesting and even set up further stories for you guys to explore.

Action-

Ivory Evil-4/10-You did really well except towards the end. Though the bunnies you performed at the end were mild, and were approved, they still hurt your score a little bit. (Due to the dart) We never say that we complete an action, all actions are attempts on Althanas, be weary of this at all times.

Haro Hailblade-2/10-Your power-game incident hurt the general flow of the story. I understand you're new and you're trying to get into the swing of things. Practice makes perfect. See below (Wild Card) to show how the power-game hurt your scores and why.

Persona-

Ivory Evil-5/10-Your introduction was potentially great, and could have been developed further to show some consistency with your character. Van was put in a situation that could have really showcased certain things about him and would have elevated the score here at least by a few more points. As I said earlier in the judgment, you missed an opportunity to really show Van in his element.

Haro Hailblade-2/10-I got more from Haro towards the end of the thread and a bit at the beginning. But especially at the end of the thread. Haro revealing himself as one of "The Winged" to me, showed great promise. I will like to see you develop as a writer in the future!

Writing Style-

Mechanics-

Ivory Evil-4/10-You have improved your writing style since the last time I saw a sample of your writing. Though you could have gotten a higher score if you would have implemented a stronger use of literary devices. I would have liked to see better use of the situation presented in the beginning of the story. It had the promise of foreshadowing, but fell short of just that.

Haro Hailblade-2/10-I didn't see a grasp of the English here. (See Technique for clarification here)

Technique-

Ivory Evil-4/10-Your knowledge of the English language is improving with each thread you finish. Make sure that you edit your own work as you go to make sentences even stronger so you can bump your score up here. Having a thesaurus handy will help improve your knowledge of grammar.

Haro Hailblade-1/10-You made a lot of errors. I will post just a few of the most telling ones.



Post 1:
Haro had left the inn as quickly as he could to catch up with Van. He was not going to let a valuable teem mate leave that easily. He followed the slight prints in the dirt and grass that Van barely made. He was definately a profecional, Haro gave him that. The walk was long and he had to run to catch up, but Haro found a fresh print.

Note: You don't have to write "had left" you can simply write Haro left the inn as quickly...and so on. You misspelled team and wrote teem instead, teammate is also one word. Definitely is spelled wrong also as was the word Professional. Please work with a Dictionary and a Thesaurus from here on in, there is no need to make careless typos.

Post 3:
Nerrit few off a safe distance in the air to keep away from the fighting.

Here you wrote few I believe you meant to write "flew".

Post 7:

Haro rolled away from piro-powered swordsman.

"Piro" is spelled "Pyro."


Post 11:

Haro sighed. "Well I guess there's no helping it, but you must promiss not to tell any one. I that under stood?" Haro took off his shirt to reviel intricate tribal tatoos that sealed away the power hidden within, which a few moments ago had emerged without his call.

"Promiss" is "Promise", "reviel" is spelled "reveal". "Tatoos" is spelled "Tattoos." Please use a dictionary as I said earlier. There are plenty of dictionaries online that you can get access to.
Clarity-


Ivory Evil-4/10-You did very well in this thread. I understood most of what you were trying to do but I wasn't blown away.

Haro Hailblade-1/10-I had a really hard time reading your posts and they were littered with mistakes. Take the time to edit your posts and keep a dictionary and thesaurus handy at all times.

Wild Card-

Ivory Evil-3/10-Once again someone has power-gamed you, and once again you took it like a champ. -However-, the O.O.C. notices were completely unnecessary. It's my job as a the judge to point out any power gaming that goes on. Though you could have sent a formal complaint to one of us and we easily could have dealt with it. Avoid O.O.C. actions that make you look wrong in the future. You did well by simply reacting to the power-game, but in the future avoid starting O.O.C. conflicts.

Haro Hailblade-1/10-You power-gamed very seriously in this thread intentionally or not. I will point out the exact incidents of the power-game so you don't do it in the future.




Haro reached within and pulled the source of his strength to spin counter clock wise and duck. Just barely missing the fire ball and burning his vest.
Haro rolled away from piro-powered swordsman. Pulled off his vest. And pulled a sheet of parchment from the book pouch and started writing.

"That was good, but this is better." Haro finish the short sentence in the ancient script and tossed the page in the air with the writing facing his opponent and thrust his open hand, with the pen held with three fingers, against the page. The ink started illuminating gently as the air around the parchment froze. A ball of ice formed out of the words and flew forward, destroying the page as it left.

Haro got to his feet and followed after. His sword ready and his pen close to another parchment.



You should only use the abilities and powers that you registered your character with. You never just "make up" powers unless you have the permission of your opponent or are trying to unlock a new power. Even in those cases, we never dictate what happens to our opponent. We always make attempts, that should be easy enough to understand. In the future I would hope that you don't power-game again.


***

Scores

Ivory Evil-40!!!

Haro Hailblade-20!!!

Ivory Evil wins and gets 475 experience and 22 gold!!!

Haro Hailblade gets 150 experience and 21 gold!!!

In conclusion, I hope to see more works from both of you guys. Haro, please try to use dictionary.com in the future if you cannot gain access to a dictionary. I want to see you improve exponentially. In the future, Van, I want to see more consistent work and possibly even J.C. material from you, you have the potential you just gotta write a ton more! Keep up the good work both of you guys!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!