A Chance Encounter

[Silence Sei]

(Closed to Amber Eyes)

The countryside of Corone had many dangers. At any moment, one could be attacked by a monster, set off a dormant booby trap, or even just simply vanish. Sure, there were towns scattered all around here and there, but nothing that was actually worth travelling to. Despite all this, people still roamed the dangerous countryside with a blatant disregard for their own health and safety. Why, was this?

Simple. Most people were morons.

This was not the case with Anita Orlouge, however. The girl had spent several weeks on a scouting mission for her father. There had been reports of increasingly hostile bandit activity the countryside. Most people who would travel the roads were getting either mugged, raped, or murder, or so the rumors were. Despite his title of 'Hero of Radasanth', Sei found his herorics to actually apply to all of Corone for the most part.

Of course, there was also the fact that one had to travel through Concordia and deep into Corone's countryside in order to reach Chateau and Orlouge Drantrak. These two towns were the only one that actually produced Sei's species of the Mystic race. It was were the mute had grown up with his five brothers, learned his skills in light magic, and even gained the large wool cloth that covered his right arm.

Sei could not risk the rumored bandits getting rambunctious and attempting to take over towns. The two Drantraks were surrounded by smaller villiages. If there were a hostile takeover of the hamlets, they could surround and obliterate the home of both Sei Orlouge's towns. Worse yet, his family might get involved and destroy many innocent lives (two of his three brothers had blatant disregard for the well being of others).

Anita had watched the roads for many weeks, finally finding a lead in a particular group. This group was lead by a man named Zander, who would typically preform the most vicious of the activities with his cohorts. The girl, after about four weeks of watching them, realized that the theives were indeed inching closer to the towns and becoming more and more gutsy. As a result, Anita immediately reported the activities to her father, who began to pack up and leave.

As Sei got ready to take his leave, however, he heard somebody enter his tomb...

[Amber Eyes]

Leaving the archives in Radasanth, Kyla could not help but feel disappointed. Even with so little to go on, she had hoped for more information. Two words were all she had of her identity, and she was growing impatient. It had been over ten years she was with Zander and his men. If she had a family, would she ever see them again? Her first search was on the word Nissim, and had willed no useful results. The second, Drantrak , had given her some information on a town of some sort, and the name of a man. Sei Orlouge .

Kyla, always the klutz, almost walked into a woman as she replayed all that she had read in her mind. "I'm very sorry ma'am." The woman looked Kyla over with first a stern, then a concerned face. "It's alright young lady, are you lost? You seem worried."

Kyla debated weather to tell the woman her story, and see if she could get something out of the woman's sympathy. She stared at the woman for a moment, taking in her expensive clothes and the jewelry on her left hand. Stop thinking that way, you aren't like Zander and the rest of them. This woman is offering to help you, and your thinking of robbing her blind.
"I'm just looking for someone," Kyla finally stated. The woman looked Kyla over, "well, maybe I could be of some help, who are you looking for?"
"Sei Orlouge " The woman again looked Kyla over, as if deciding if she should continue this conversation. Kyla tried to make herself appear young, and vulnerable. "You see" Kyla continued, "I knew his family a long time ago."
"Oh, you must be speaking of Anita, you are just about her age. Lucky for you that just about everyone knows the name Sei Orlouge, he's just about as big of a hero as there is in these parts. He lives in a tomb just outside of town. Let me write this down for you." The woman gave Kyla directions, as well as a description of Sei and his daughter, and then scurried on her way.
As Kyla began to walk towards Sei's home, she began to worry about how to approach him. If Sei were really as famous as the woman said, why would he want to help some dumb girl find her past, armed with only two words? As Kyla left town, she noticed a girl, matching Anita's description, watching some men across a field.

Kyla stared at the girl, unable to decide how to approach. After a moment, she heard a familiar voice. "Xavior, get your bag, you are always loosing things!" Kyla froze, her heart raced, and she was now sweating twice as bad as before. What on earth was Zander’s gang doing here? Kyla's thoughts went back to the night at the barn, Zander's laughter covering the cries of the women, and she had to bite her lip hard to keep from tearing up. Kyla was so lost in her thoughts that she almost didn't notice Anita leaving. She went in the direction Kyla was heading. Kyla followed slowly, and before long she had to stop and breathe. Why would she be watching Zander? ... She must be reporting back to Sei about the gang's activities! Of course! This is what I will offer Sei in return for helping me find my identity! Kyla's heart ached at the thought of handing Zander over to someone, but he had made his choices. Kyla could not think of him as a protector anymore, no matter how much he had done for her. Kyla climbed back to her feet and began the rest of the short walk to Sei's tomb.

As she began walking in, she noticed that Anita was only a few feet in front of her. She cleared her throat and both Anita and Sei looked back at her. “I have some information that may be of use to you."

[Silence Sei]

Anita had not even gotten the whole report on Zanders activities out of her mouth when the duo where interupted by a female voice. Turning to look, Anita and Sei both found themselves looking directly at a young girl. She couldn't have been older than her teenage years, Sei deduced. He also noticed the blade at her hip, probably for defending herself in desperate times. He looked to his daughter to verification before he would communicate iwth this person.

"She's clean, Papa," Anita said without moving her gaze away from the girl, "There's no undead prescence on her. She's as human as me or.....as me." Anita knew how sensitive her father was about being a former vampire. She tried not to allow herself to say things to make her father recall the horrific time in his life, but would sometimes slip up.

Sei nodded to his daughter and then brought his eyes to the stranger. If she were telling the truth, she could be invaluable, but how did she know that the two of them were searching for information? She must have been spying on either Anita or himself in order to obtain such knowlege of such things. Despite all the evidence against trusting this girl however, Sei felt a strange urge to trust her. He could not explain it, but something about her made him want to trust her.

"Alright. I will hear what you have to say after Anita speaks her peace." Sei said with a smile toward the girl. He motioned for her to move towards Anita as his daughter turned and began to speak. "Alright Papa, here's what I have learned. Zander and his band have been getting more rambunctious in their activities. They have been inching closer and closer to the Drantraks with each passing day. I think if you do not act soon, your home towns will be destroyed."

Sei nodded as he thought about this. He looked to the girl to try and gauge her reaction to the news. She could be a spy for Zander, he thought, but once again the mute's personality and wanton need to trust her overpowered his initial instinct. "What will be the first town struck, Anita? As in, what will be the town they are closest to, Chateau or Orlouge?" Anita nodded and looked through her notepad rather quickly.

"It seems as though Chateau Drantrak, Home of Shadow Magic, will be their first target." Sei sighed a silent sigh of relief. The fact that Zander's men were not closer to his family than they were Chateau. The Orlouge family was safe for the time being. Now that Sei had gotten a sit-rep from his beloved daughter, he turned to the stranger.

"As for you," Sei said, I feel the uncanny urge to trust you against my better judgement and experience. I want this 'information' that you claim to have for me. First, however, I would like your name, young lady, since I can't call you 'girl'. I am Sei Orlouge, and this is Anita Orlouge, though I'm sure you know that or you wouldn't be here." Sei stood and waited for the girl to introduce herself, and reveal what she knew.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla studied the two for a moment. The bond between them was evident in everything from the way they looked at each other, to the way they stood, as if ready to pounce should the other come into harms way. As Kyla looked them over, she couldn’t help but notice that they looked nothing alike. Sei was very plain looking. The only thing that stood out about him was his bright orange hair. Anita was, in Kyla’s opinion, very pretty. She looked like the girls that Kyla dreamed up as playmates when she was younger. Kyla had always longed for a female companion, and she had to remind herself that she was not here to forge a sisterhood. The only feature the two shared were piercing blue eyes that seemed to see right through you. Better not think anything I don’t want to share with the class.

“My name is Kyla, I have spent much time with Zander and his gang over the last 12 years.” Kyla braced herself, knowing all too well what that sounded like, but cautiously, she continued. “I guess you could say that Zander raised me, and I know better than anyone his…..career.”

Kyla took a moment to let this sink in, and then began again. “He is dangerous, you must stop him! It will not be easy though, he is incredibly cautious; I will be surprised if he is not already on to you spying on him. Zander has been on the run for years, and knows how to protect himself. His one weakness….” Kyla’s eyes filled with tears at the thought of putting poor Xavior, the only friend she ever had, in danger, “is Xavior, his little brother. Xavior is reckless, and will fall for anything you say. Please do not harm him, you only have to make it seem he is in trouble and Zander will come running, 15 years his senior, Zander has raised Xavior since their father died.”
Kyla could not help but feel she had said too much too quickly, and she calmed herself down to add. “But I did not come here out of purely selfless reasons.”

[Silence Sei]

Sei waited for the girl to finish talking before he shook his head no. "I refuse" Sei said with a stern look at the girl, "I am not going to involve anybody else in this matter unless it is absolutely needed. That is the whole reason I did not just call the Radasanth or Concordia guard to take care of the situation. Theif or not, the more people in this, the more of a chance there will be liabilities." Sei looked to Anita, who had a wry grin.

"Besides," the girl said with a nudge to her father, "jusging by your face, you kinda like him. We're not going to find a way to hurt the boy toy of someone who is helping us beat Zander out of town. Anyways, you said that Zander raised you, right? What if you were to go back to him? Maybe with the information that we're going after him? You could even tell him that we've been in the shadows watching him for monsth now."

Sei's face beamed at Anita's idea. His daughter was going to try and make Zander paranoid. Sei figured an opponent as elusive as Zander would be quite the cautious foe, but there was a very thin line between cautiousness and paranoia. With the right person, Zander would begin to suspect that his own men were turning against him. Thinking that anybody could be the Hero of Radasanth's spy, Zander would pretty much abandon his own men eventually, leaving only Kyla and Xavior.

Then, all it would take from Kyla would be a well placed meeting with her two fellow theives in Concordia, and Sei would have them. There would be no bloodshed, no death, only complete and total surrender. After all, it would be three against two, and the duo would be very overpowered against Sei and the girls. Anita glanced at her father as he was lost in his thoughts, and then back to Kyla.

Without Sei telling the two anything, Anita explained their idea to Kyla. All the intricate details were involved, if Kyla would be willing to bring herself back to Zanders men a bit humbled. It would be the most efficient way to take care of such a crafty group of bandits.

"Anyways," Anita said when she finished, "that's only if you're up for it. On another note, you said earlier you were not just helping us for that reason alone. That suggests that their is an ulterior motive to what you're doing. Care to share with the rest of us?"

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla's heart filled with gratitude at the thought of Sei and Anita protecting Xavior from being in the middle of the plan; however, the fact that she was now the one in the middle did not calm her nerves.

“Well, Zander has taken me in before, so I’m pretty sure I could convince him to do so again. I know the dynamics of our relationships must sound strange so let me give you a little back story. Zander found me in a forest; I was only about 5 or 6. I don’t really remember much about it, but from what I understand I had tied myself to a tree branch to sleep so that wolves would not get me. Xavior, who was only a little bit older than I, saw me, and Zander decided that Xavior could use someone to play with. They asked me where I came from, but I would not tell them anything. They gave me clothes and food, then allowed me to travel with them. Zander provided us with all the necessities, but Xavior was the only one I can say was my friend. He needed someone to talk to, and I needed to feel like a part of something. He will always be like my brother.”

Kyla’s eyes filled with tears remembering Xavior waking her up in the middle of the night because he was scared. The two would sit by the fire, and he would talk about his mother, about her smile, her smell. Kyla would tell him of her nightmares, and he would hold her until they both were able to regain their composure. In a world full of uncertainty, Xavior was her rock. He was never smart, and Zander grew impatient trying to teach him things, but Xavior knew how to make someone feel like they meant something. He may not be a smart man, but deep down, Kyla knew he was a good one.

“Zadner and the rest of us traveled throughout the countryside, but I cannot tell you much about where we were. Zander said he picked me up near a town called Avaris, but he may not have told me the truth, for fear of me running off. As Zander’s acts became more vulgar, I took the first chance to disappear.”

Kyla watched Sei’s face as she continued, “I left, and since then, I have been searching for my true identity, but the only things I can remember are a few words. The first is Nassim, the second, the reason I have sought you out, is Drantrak. I will of course help you now that I know that Zander is involved, but I beg of you, once this is over, will you try to help me figure out my past?”

[Silence Sei]

Kyla had poured her heart out to the two Orlouge, who listened intently. It seemed as though her former family would accept her once more if she asked. The thought pased in the mystics mind that perhaps Zander would have a change of heart and at least limit his heinous activities. This thought quickly passed as Kyla began to talk about her past.

And then she said the two names that struck at the mute's heart. The first was Drantrak, which was the name of the cities that the duo were attempting to save. When Kyla had said the word 'Nassim', Sei's mind traveled into the past. For some reason, that name made the mystic recall fond memories of his brothers before the world went awry.

Sei was the youngest of six children, each with their own individual personality traits and mannerisms. All five of them, however, all had one thing in commond, and that was protecting the baby brother. Striking out of their shadows was Sei's whole motivation for entering the first ever Gisela Open, which was the point in which Sei became known as the Hero of Radasanth.

She shook his head out of the daze. Why did the name Nassim bring back recollections of his family? Sei's brothers were Niche, Succed, Razak, Ciato and Steppenwolf. The name Nassim should not have made Sei as homesick as it had. Anita waved in front of her father to gain his attention back to the real world. "Right," Sei said as he looked to the two girls, "this is the plan we will go with. Kyla will infiltrate Zander's bunch once more, and we will strike a few weeks later once the paranoia sets in."

Anita nodded and looked to Kyla. The girl moved her lips to the side as she thought about whether or not they should improve the features of Kyla. Upon deciding that she was good the way they were, Anita grabbed her notepad and walked over beside the girl, motioning for her to look at what she had jotted down.

It was a small illustration depicting the strike points of Zander across the countryside. Anita smiled as she looked to the girl. "If you'll notice, Zander has been striking in a swirl formation around the villages, with the center being the portals to Chateau and Orlouge Drantrak. By helping us stop Zander, you will come closer to learning the origins of Drantrak for you. Once Zander accepts you, we need you to lure him away from the normal pattern."

"Bring him back to the forest of Concordia," Anita said, "there, Father and I will attack him, and leave Xavior unharmed. It would be best if you could get to Zander as soon as possible. According to my reports, Zander is in Radasanth stocking up on supplied right now. If you hurry, you could catch him at the marketplace. Once we capture Zander, we will unlock the mystery of your past, so go go go!" Anita smiled as she attempted to hook Kyla's arm in her own and start dragging her to the Radasanth Bazaar.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla allowed Anita to drag her from the tomb, and into the bright sun. The sudden change in light forced Kyla to squint, and gave her a mild headache. "I'm sorry, but I need a minute." Kyla stepped to the side and sat down to organize her thoughts.

"I really hope this works, but I have to admit I'm a little bit nervous about the whole plan. I promise to do my best, but I'm not sure I can do this." Kyla was comforted by Anita for some reason, and resolved to fulfill her part of this plan.

The two walked for sometime, before they saw Zander in the market. Xavior was pulling the worker's attention away while Zander placed things in his satchel. With one last glance at Anita, Kyla headed over to the booth.
Xavior noticed her first, and he smiled. Once he looked away, the worker noticed what Zander was up to, and he yelled. "Someone catch him!"
Minutes later; Kyla, Xavior, and Zander all stopped to catch thier breath outside of town.

"Well, I must say it's good to see you, although I notice your still just as much of a distraction to my dear brother here as you always were."
Kyla couldn't help but smile at the way Zander acted as though she hadn't dissapeared on him a few months back.

"I couldn't exactly stay away from my old pals forever, now could I?" Kyla jested back. "I noticed you outside of town a couple of days ago, but I took my time finding you because I believe you are being watched."
"
By Whom?" Zander demanded, obviously still as paranoid as ever.

"How should I know? I just saw some girl watching you, and some of your men speaking with her. Who are the two new guys anyway?"
Kyla could tell Zander was trying to decide if he should believe her. She looked at Xavior, who still had not wiped that ridiculous grin off his face. "How are you my dear Xavior?"

Xavior looked at his feet sheepishly, "I missed you Kyla. I told Zander you would be back, that you were just scared. I knew you wouldn't leave me."

Kyla's eyes filled with tears. poor sweet silly Xavior, always believing that people are good. "Of course I wouldn't leave you Xavior, your my brother right?"

Xavior's smile widened, "That's what I said, your my sister! You will always be here."

Kyla could tell that Zander's guard was coming down due to his brother's happiness. There really was some good in Zander deep down.

Kyla spoke again, this time to Zander. "So what have you been up to that would attract the attention of the local heroes?"

"How about we head back to where we're staying and we can have a proper conversation" Zander stated, "I'm sure it's only a matter of time before someone catches up."

Kyla walked a few paces behind the brothers on thier way to the camp, and while it may be a trick of the light, she thought she saw Anita smiling at her across the clearing.

[Silence Sei]

Anita watched Kyla reunite with the two theives, though it wasn't in the most gracious manner. With a slight smile, the girl rushed back to her father's tomb to give a report on how everything went. The sun was starting to set, and soon Sei would be prowling the streets of Radasanth for various criminals. Just as she thought, Sei was grabbing his various wepaons and placing them on his person when she had gotten home.

"It's done, Papa," Anita said, beaming at her accomplishment, "Kyla is with Zander right now. In a few days, maybe weeks, we'll have stopped the plundering of all those innocent towns!" Anita was giddy with excitement at the prospect of once again aiding her father in saving the day. Sei, however, had other things on his mind than just Zander and his ilk.

Kyla. What was it about that girl that made Sei so open? Why did that name she say strike chords in the very heart of the youngest Orlouge? Why did Kyla's eyes shine with the dsame kind of glimmer that Sei's mother once had in her more youthful days? None of these questions seemed to be answerable, at least not at the moment, and that bothered Sei to a great extent.

"Papa, did you just hear a word I said?" Anita asked, snapping Sei out of his state. The mute nodded as he looked to his daughter. "Yes Anita," Sei said, "everything is going according to plan. Now we wait and do what we do best until Kyla can help us bring Zander to justice." Anita nodded with glee as the duo began to lurk in the shadows for unsavory characters.

It was going to be a long night, full of fights and action, but Sei could not keep his mind from straying to Kyla. More than one occasion found the mute wandering off in thought as a crook tried to escape. Needless to say that the villian would find a chakram to the back of the head in mere seconds, if not one of Anita's bowling balls finding some way to incorporate itself into an outlandishly hilarious situation.

If Sei could just shake the cobwebs out of his head, he would be able to do what did best. However, Sei found it near impossible to shake the thought of Kyla from his mind...

[Amber Eyes]

As they approached the fire, Kyla again noticed the two new members of the gang. Other than the brothers, there were 6 men. Alienating Zander from such a group may take a bit longer than I first thought, but it can be done.

"Please, sit down. We have alot to catch up on." Zander offered. "I know why you left my little Kyla, but there is much you don't understand. You are young and have not yet learned how cruel the world can be."

"I believe you have shown me quite a bit of the cruelty of men." Kyla retorted.
"That night haunts my nightmares too my Kylana." Hearing her old nickname, the one that people called her in her dreams brought a smile to Kyla's face. How will I ever turn him over if I keep letting him get to me like this

"Then perhaps you could explain how it all happend? Those women came because of me. I am responsible for ruining two lives and ending a third! You made me a murderer!"

"Kyla" Zander began slowly, "That woman was alive when I fell asleep. The men were upset when their advances were denied and they took the situation into thier own hands. I could not do anything to stop it. I steal and lie to provide for myself and Xavior, and if you recall, for you too. I do what I must, but I am not an animal. I did not rape those women, and if you notice, Kelari, the one who killed the girl is not with us any longer."

"I did not know he was the one who killed her." Kyla offered.

"You did not stay around long enough to ask."

Does not doing anything about the situation make you equally guilty? Kyla wondered to herself. Does Zander truly regret letting those horrible things go on?

"So Kyla, where were you?" Xavior had sat down without Kyla noticing.
"I missed you pointing out the pictures in the stars."

Kyla too had missed thier nights sleeping under the night sky and pointing out the constilations. She felt an insurmountable guilt at having left Xavior with no one to care for him.

"I had to do some self searching Xavior, find out who I am."

"But your Kyla, my sister, you already know who you are."

How simple the world was in his mind, how beautifully simple. "I know Xavior, and I promise never to forget again."

Satisfied with this answer, Xavior left the fire. Kyla thought she could hear him humming lightly as he drifted into sleep.

Kyla struck up the nerve, and walked up to one of the newer gang members. "What's your name?"

"Allistar"

"Well Allistar, do you make it a habit to talk to people who are spying on your group?"

"I don't know what you are talking about ma'am"

"Oh please Allistar, you don't have to lie to kick it. It's obvious your setting Zander up, and I for one don't intend to let it happen. If he doesn't take you out first, I plan to do it myself eventually."

With that, Kyla excused herself to where Xavior was sleeping. She nodded of to the sounds of angry wispers from the fire.

Kyla woke to three of the men gone. Who knew what an effect that would have? This is going to be easier than I thougt!

Kyla ran off to find something for the remaining men to eat, thinking how much this felt like home.

[Silence Sei]

"You ain't going to get me, Hero of Radasanth!" the theif yelled out as his cohorts laid in a dog pile on the ground at Sei's feet. Once again, Sei's thoughts were leading to sloppiness in his work. Luckily, the escapee just happened to be running past a teenager in a blue dress who just happened to stick her leg out at the last second. The sound of the criminal hitting the hard Radasanth concrete was like music to Sei's ears.

"She's going to do fine, Papa," Anita said as she wrapped a rope around the last crook, "Kyla is a big girl and she can take care of herself. You need to stop worrying so much." Did Sei really convey such thoughts of concern for the girl he had just met earlier in the day? It was apparent in his work and also in his face.

"Look, I'm going to head down to Zander’s camp and see exactly how she's doing. You go back to the tomb and get some rest. Even when you haven't worked at max efficiency, you still collected quite a bit of criminal activity." Sei nodded to his daughters suggestion and gave her a hug before he left for the park. Anita, meanwhile, traveled in the opposite direction, going to check their harvest sown with the seeds of distrust.

~~~~~~~~

Sei had been asleep when Anita burst into the room with a giant grin on her face. "It's working better than we could have imagined, Papa," Anita said, "already three of Zanders six men have abandonned him. I don't know what Kyla had said or done, but they are definitely three less this morning than from when I had checked on them yesterday."

The news brought joy to Sei's heart. He should have been overjoyed at the prospect of defeating Zander from within, but was instead more excited that Kyla was not only alright, but had three less threats to worry about in the camp. Worry began to spread across the father's face once more when he realized that Kyla still had at least three more people to get rid of before she would be able to get to Zander himself.

"She's working fast, Papa," Anita said as if detecting her father's worry, "the others will be gone within the week, I imagine." Sei nodded once more to Anita as he began to drift back to sleep. Anita walked over to her slumbering father and laid a small peck upon his forehead. "Sei Orlouge, you are without a doubt one of the most caring Althanians that ever lived. I am proud to be your daughter..."

Anita shook off the sentimental moment and began to speak to herself. "Well then I guess it's time for my reconnaissance," she said as she began to skip out of the tomb. Anita had not admitted it, but she had felt more comfortable with her watching Kyla operate as well. That way, if things went sour, at least the girl had one person she could count on.


Anita shook off the setimental moment and b4egan to speak to herself. "Well then I guess it's time for my reconissance," she said as she began to skip out of the tomb. Anita had not admitted it, but she had felt more comfortable with her watching Kyla operate as well. That way, if things went sour, at least the girl had one person she could count on.

[Amber Eyes]

As Kyla finished cleaning up the mess the men had made last night, she watched Xavior drawing about four feet away. He furrowed his brow as he drew, and every so often he would look up at her and smile. Kyla took one such moment to walk over to him. "What're ya drawing, Xavior?"

Quickly Xavior covered the drawing, and gave his biggest smile "It's a surprise Kyla. I will show you later."

Kyla smiled, the truth is, while Zander may wish for a brother of normal intelligence, she found Xavior to be the most beautiful thing in the world. To never out-grow that childish sense of wonder, and the belief in the permanency of the things we love, if we could all recapture that, the world would be such a wonderful place.

"Okay Xavior, I'm sure it's wonderful."

As Kyla finished her cleaning, she tried to remember the moment when she outgrew Xavior. As children they must have been on the same level, but all she can remember is caring for him, and that gave her the strength to get from day to day.

As Kyla cleaned around Telarni's area, she noticed a bag containing some small white and pink pills. Kyla remembered seeing these pills in Talarni's hand when he spoke of going out and finding him a woman and Zander had once explained their purpose. This was just the inspiration Kyla needed. She took two of the pills and slipped them into Zander's drink.

Soon after, Zander was passed out on the ground. The remaining men stood over him, concern streaking their faces. Kyla however just smiled and waved into the distance, in hopes that Anita was somewhere nearby. Kyla was beginning to think of the girl as more of a guardian angel that a true-to-flesh human being and she felt strength she had never known with the thought that Anita was watching over her.

Several hours later, Zander woke with a vengeance. He was hung over on the effects of the pills, and paranoid as ever. "Who did this?" He roared, "I want the man found and brought to me!"

Kyla planned on letting the man steam for a while and then finding the pills, but Tiamar came up first, with the baggie of pills in his hand.

"I found these in Talarni's belongings. They would have this effect on you." Tiamar said sadly.

After a few moments of shouting, Talarni and his brother Cladon were on thier way. This thought gave Kyla temporary joy, but was quickly swallowed up with worry when she saw the greatful look Zander was giving Tiamar. This had only made their bond stronger, and therefore harder for Kyla to break.

As night fell, Kyla walked to the blanket she had been sleeping on, and found a perfectly drawn portrait of herself, Xavior and Zander with the word FAMILY written underneath. Kyla climbed under Xander's blanket instead of her own.

"Thank you for the drawing Xavior, its perfect." Kyla could not hold back her tears. "You are such an amazing artist"

"Everyone should have a family," Xavior said. And Kyla thought that might be the most profound thing she had ever heard.

"Xavior no matter what happens; I will always be your sister." Kyla choked.

"Why are some people alone, Kyla?"

"What do you mean, baby?"

"Like Tiamar, he is alone."

This statement sent Kyla's mind racing. Of course! Tiamar was a hopeless romantic! He used to sit on benches in towns and just wait for the woman who would knock him off his feet. He and Zander were too close to break up on Zander's end, but the right woman would make Tiamar follow her anywhere. Kyla had always thought of Tiamar as a good man, she remembered all the nights the men would go out looking for girls and Tiamar would stay behind, and tell her that he couldn't find an angel in a bar. AN ANGEL! Anita must have a friend who could pull this off! She must! Kyla made sure all the men were sleeping and then ran as fast as she could towards Sei's Tomb.

[Silence Sei]

Anita had been watching Kyla for several hours. She would switch viewpoints every few minutes so as to not be found out by whoever was playing sentry. She had seen Kyla's deceptiveness and cunning used for the purpose of drugging Zander. If only they had used the pills during the ambush, Zander wouldn't have had a choice but to go along peacefully with Sei.

However, when Anita watch the following scenes unfold, she began to notice a lot of shouting from Zander, as well as some arguments from a couple more of his men. Before long, the duo were packing their belongings and finding another band to shack up with. Anita was impressed with how quickly Kyla had managed to implement the strategy to real life. She knew that her father would be truly excited to hear the news.

Anita did notice the other man, the one who brought the pills before Zander. He was quite obviously the second-in-command from the way he carried himself. Furthermore, Anita believed she had seen his face somewhere around before, not just mugging innocent people in the night. As if someone had awaken her from a dream, the thought came to Anita.

"He's the statue!" Anita exclaimed before covering her mouth. Every week or two, there would be a man who sat on the bench that shared the same park with Sei's Tomb in Radasanth. Sei and Anita had affectionately nicknamed him 'the statue', as all he did was sit for a good twelve hours a day before he got up and left, only to return next week. Anita never questioned what the man did in between times of looking just as dead as the birch bench he sat on, because she never cared.

Now Anita cared a lot. They couldn't just get rid of the statue, he was one of Anita's favorite activities in the week. She would scam her friends into betting that the man would move to eat, drink, or even go use the facilities, only for Anita to collect their cold hard cash in triumph. The statue was Anita's meal ticket most of the time, at least he was a meal ticket she earned herself. Anita had to go tell her father of this revelation, and beg him not to arrest the man for the deeds he had committed. Although Anita's intentions weren't exactly pure, there was a good chance that both her and Kyla's end goal would be beneficiary to all parties involved...

[Amber Eyes]

As Kyla ran, she noticed a blue dress moving just as quickly through the trees. "Anita?" Kyla screamed. Either the girl did not hear here or she was actually just a figment of Kyla's very tired imagination. Kyla entered the tomb alone and ran up to Sei.

"I need help getting rid of the last man in the camp!" Kyla shouted a little too loudly as she tried to catch her breath.

Kyla sat down and helped herself to a drink of water. She stared up at Sei and Anita who had appeared by this point, and tried to control herself enough to continue.

"You see, the final man within the party is Tiamar, he is hopelessly devoted to finding the perfect woman. Fortunatly for us, he's been looking for so long I think almost any pretty face would be the perfect woman for that man at this point. He goes into town during the day, if you send someone to him, I have no doubt that he will fall in love, and will never come back to Zander's camp. You will only need to keep him away for one night, and the rest of the plan can be accomplished. If you get him to leave, I can lead Zander into the forest under the pretences that he has joined the rest of the former men and is planning on robbing us. Zander will be forced to act first, and once he steps into the tree line, you can be there. I will be able to keep Xavior at a safe distance, no one involved wants him harmed, and you can do what you will with Zander."

Kyla calmed herself down long enough to realize she was barking orders at those who she needed help from.

"I'm sorry, just excited, what I meant to say was, do you have a plan?" She asked with a sly grin.

[Silence Sei]

Kyla had appeared in the tomb and began spouting ideas to the mute and his daughter. Just beforehand, Anita had informed Sei that the last man in Zanders crew was the statue. The statue, as it turned out from what Kyla explained, was just looking for love. How sweet it must be to travel with a merry band of crooks a few days a week, and wait for fate to drop a woman in your lap once a week.

After Kyla had finished divulging her plan, Sei nodded to her with a returned grin. "If I didn't know any better Kyla," Sei said, "I would think that you had Orlouge blood in you. That bloodless strategy is a page straight out of my book." Anita nodded in agreement with her father.

"I think I have the perfect girl to help us in this endeavor too," Anita said, "Her name is Cammy. She's about my age, and she has always had some sort of philosophy or another as to why the stat--- why Tiamar does what he does. I'm sure that if I tell her that he waits for his one true love, she'll go and spill all of her ooey gooey feelings all over him." Anita rolled her eyes at the prospect of it all. Then again, the girl had never gained her own love as of yet.

"Anita will find Cammy and begin prepping her for Tiamar," Sei said, "I, meanwhile, will start setting traps for the ambush. Naturally, Kyla, you will return to Zander and do whatever needs to be done in your day of preperation. The day is going to be upon us soon, dears." Sei stepped out of the cave and into the darkness of the night. Anita looked to Kyla with a big smile, knowing her father was no longer among them.

"I will see you in two days time Kyla," Anita said, touching the girl on her shoulder, "by then, we'll have this whole Zander mess resolved. Once that happens, we're as right as rain to get you learning about your past. I hope you're ready, because in my experience, people usually forget things for a good reason." Anita gave Kyla a big smile after her serious comment and began to run out of the cave, turning around and waving to the other girl before saying "Toodles!" and disappearing into the night like her father.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla ran back towards the campsite, and when she approached she noticed Xavior was lying awake, crying.

"Oh Xavior, what is wrong?"

"I had a bad feeling and you were gone Kyla. I thought you had left again."

How can you possibly make someone with a childish mind understand what is going on in an adult world?

"Oh Xavior, I am not gone. I am here. Do not worry."

"Kyla?"

"Yes Xavior"

"Something bad is going to happen."

"Perhaps, but maybe something good will happen instead, we will not know till morning, so lets get some sleep."

Kyla awoke and noticed Tiamar traveling towards town.

"Off again is he?" Kyla asked Zander, who was putting out the fire from last night.

"Some things never change Kylana."

That was what Kyla had hoped for.

Kyla kept watch for Tiamar's return all day, and could not help but sing softly to herself as each moment that passed lacked his presense. She noticed Zander getting a bit agitated, and took the oportunity to ask him a few questions.

"Where did you find me all those years ago Zander?"

"Why little Kylana, you should know that. It was not far from here. Near the home of the mystics. You were in the forest all alone."

"Do you know anything of me before the forest?"

"Nothing that you yourself have not told me."

"But what could I have told you? I remember nothing."

"It is strange how the mind ages, child. When you first joined us, you talked of your past very clearly, as the days went by, you began to tell the same stories, but claimed they were dreams. I never corrected you as I thought you were simply protecting yourself from the pain."

"What pain, what dreams?"

"Little Kyla, although not so little anymore, you know what I am speaking of, it's all there. You just have to make yourself remember."

Kyla went to bed very early that night with Zander's words in her mind. Surely the horrible nightmares she'd had as a child and young teen were not connected with her past. She tried to remember until sleep overtook her.

[Silence Sei]

"Cammy, for the three thousandth time, you look fine!" Anita shouted to her friend as she drug her into the park. The girl never understood women's obsession with looking their best to fall in love. If someone wanted you based on outward appearance initially, wouldn't that be considered more of a lust thing? Anita stopped for a moment to check the park bench for The Statue.

Cammy, meanwhile, was busy prepping her hair for the big encounter. The girl made sure not a string of her blonde curls was out of place, that her white dress was perfectly unwrinkled, and that her teeth seemed shiny and new. "Just one more time, Anita," Cammy said in her very squeaky voice, "I need specifics, how do I look?"

Anita looked to her friend and smiled. "You look like a witch if she were good and full of show tunes." Anita said which brought an overestatic grin to her friend's face, "Now, he's over there. Remember; approach him with grace, say whatever you want, just don't blow it. I'm sure he'll fall head over heels for you and you will fulfill your lifelong dream."

Cammy's eyes grew starry eyed at the prospect. "You mean I'll have the perfect procreated children with absolutely no flaws and perfect dental hygiene?" Anita nodded to the ridiculous question and sent her friend making small hops for joy in the park.

"Now, don't be stupid, go out there and get your man!" Anita demanded, pushing the light skinned girl towards the path leader to the statue. Anita watched with great intent as Cammy approached the man, attempted to curtsey....

...And fell flat on her face when she tripped over her own leg. "For Althanas sake, you were standing still." Anita was surprised, however, when she was helped up and the two continued talking, resulting in Cammy's loud obnoxious squeal of laughter. Anita watched as the two began to walk off into the park together, hand and hand. "If Cammy's laugh wasn't a deal breaker," Anita said out loud, "maybe there is such a thing as someone for everyone."

The girl sighed and dusted herself off. She looked skywards towards the sun to see it's position in the sky. It was about mid-afternoon. "I wonder how Papa and Kyla are faring on their end..." She said to herself as she began to walk back to the tomb. She needed a good nights sleep if she planned on helping her father save the day once again.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun was starting to set, and Sei was laying another trap in the Concordia underbrush. He had gone through severe lengths in order to subdue but not kill Zander. He was going to be with both Kyla and Xavior after all. If one of the traps went awry, it could endanger the lives of the younger members of that trio. Sei spared no expense in buying rope, tape, and even nets.

Sei stood still for a moment to admire his handiwork. He had laid several nets in the trees, to be activated when he cut the ropes holding them with his chakrams. He had some spare rope that he had laid in other trees in an attempt to catch Zander by his foot if he were to step on them. If he did manage to get past these clever hunter tricks, however, Sei had something very unconventional waiting for the bandit leader.

Sei's traps would huide Zander along a path Sei determined he would have to go down. If he ran for about half a mile in an attempt to escape, that would be where the masterpiece would play out. Sei had spent over three hours creating a giant spider web out of nothing but industrial strength duct tape. Zander would be trapped in Sei's creation if he tried to run. After all, he was surrounded by traps, and Kyla would probably try to beg him to give up. Sei had planned for every contigency, and did so with non-lethal force.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, Sei began his long walk home. There would be no crime fighting tonight. He could not worry about guppies when a shark swam in the water. He would take care of Zander first thing the following morning, and then he could focus on more important stuff like Kyla's past.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla woke in the middle of the night with tears pouring down her face. As if forced into existence, her nightmares had returned. This time though, Kyla knew that there was at least some truth in the. While the memories that were slowly coming back to her did not give her much information on her identity, they did explain how she had ended up where she was.

Afraid that the memories would leave her before she could speak to Sei, as dreams often do, Kyla wrote all that she could remember of those dreams down on paper. This way she could add to it at she recalled more details, and give Sei the most specific version possible. She hoped it was enough. No, it had to be enough.

The sun began to rise as Kyla was writing and she could not help but smile at the beauty of it all. Even without specifics, Kyla felt that having a past at all made her somehow more real, and a bigger part of the world.

Kyla lay next to Xavior and whispered in his ear. “I love you; you must always remember that, no matter what happens.” She then walked over to Zander and shook him, “Zander, You must wake! Tiamar has not returned. Out of fear for his safety I searched for him this morning and on the other side of the trees over there I noticed that some of the men who used to be in our camp have formed their own. I think Tiamar is with them! I do not know if it is by choice or not, but why would they be so close if they were not intending to attack us? They must feel they have some right to whatever bounty they have helped you acquire.”

“Thank you for telling me Kylana, leave me so I can think on this.”

Kyla smiled to herself, she had always heard the old women chuckle as they told stories of how they planted ideas in their husband’s heads so that the men would think they had come up with it all on their own. Kyla was quickly learning that this applied to most all men.

What seemed like hours later, as Kyla was helping Xavior pack his belongings, Xavior approached.

”Why are you packing?” Zander asked

“I figured no matter what your decision was, to run or to fight; we would not be staying here any longer.” Kyla replied

“You know better than to think I would run from cowards who hide behind the trees waiting to rob me when my eyes are closed.”

“Indeed I do” Kyla muttered inaudibly. “Indeed I do”

As the trio walked into the tree line; Kyla thought she felt someone’s eyes on her. She imagined the bright blue eyes of Anita, and of Sei smiling down on her, and she couldn’t help but smile too.

[Silence Sei]

A smile crept across the mute's face. He and Anita had waited since dawn broke in the trees, awaiting their prey. Once Kyla had finally lead Zander and Xavior to the forest, several thoughts went into Sei's mind. The first thought was that this needed to be done as quickly as possible, and the second concerned the child with Zander and Kyla.

Sei gfinally understood why Kyla was so protective of Xavior. Just by watching the way he carried himself, Sei knew that the youth had special needs. In any other world, Sei would have sympathized with Zander, left with the responsibility of a brother who will never grow out of a fixed age, but the thoughts quickly faded. This man had commited heinous acts all around Radasanth. He had to be brought in.

"Papa," Anita whispered as if reading the mystics mind, "I don't feel so good about this anymore." Sei brushed Anita comment off and jumped down from the trees. Making several steps towards the party, Sei armed himself with his chakrams. The mystic prayed he was doing the right thing.

"Greetings Zander," he said, "my name is Sei Orlouge. If that name has any significance to you, then you know why I'm here. For too long your men have plundered village after village, engaged in disgusting acts of chauvinism, and even went as far as murdering innocent people. All of your other men save for one, have already been apprehended. It's just you and me. Make this easy on yourself. Please just surrender."

Sei looked at the man’s features as he gave him a moment to think. The red poet’s hat covered up most of Zander's shoulder length hair. His eyes were a golden brown, with the feeling that there was always something more behind them. He was average height but well built, probably from so many years of bandit activities. His jacket and pants both held many pockets, probably for fitting lots of gold and knick knacks in, Sei imagined. As Zander began to answer, Sei looked at his little brother for just a moment, almost as if asking Zander to do it for Xavior.

"You're right," Zander said, a slight grin upon his face, "I should probably give up right now. It would be better for all of us if I did. Then of course I could always try hit and run tactics. I know you're stronger than me, Hero of Radasanth, and I know that a close up fight would be my end. Luckily, I'm not as stupid as I look!"

With that, Zander quickly went into his pocket and popped out a small switchblade. Rather than attacking someone with the knife, however, Zander threw it into the treetops. Without any other warning, a large net dropped upon Sei's body, bringing him to the ground and almost making him drop his chakram.

"I know how your Mystic Protection works," Zander said, "I studied up on Mystics just in case I had to fight some. Your charm only works if your enemy is using a hostile attack against you. I used it on your own trap. Since there was no hostility, there was no defensive maneuvers you could take. Ta-ta Dragon of Drantrak." With that, Zander grabbed Xavior, and attempted to grab Kyla, and bolted. The theif had not yet realized Kyla was Sei's mole, so he was trying to protect her from being without her 'Big Brother'.

Meanwhile, during Zanders prattling, Sei had managed to almost cut himself free from his own net. Anita had, at this point, climbed down to meet with her father, almost bursting from stifling her laughter. "Word of this gets out to -no one-, Anita Orlouge, understood?" Anita nodded as Sei cut through the last rope, making just enough room to shimmy himself out. "Good. Now let’s go get that bandit..."

[Amber Eyes]

As Zander reached for her, Kyla wispered in his ear. The same words she had told the dead girl on the morning she left Zander in the first place. "I'm so sorry."

Zander's eyes flashed gold for a moment, but with a sentimental grin he said, "I taught you well little Kylana." then he was gone. Kyla watched Sei and Anita dash off behind Zander, and realized he was being slowed by Xavior's weight. Zander would not let Xavior go, no matter how much he held him back. The perfect thief, held back only by his imperfect brother.

"Please don't hurt him!" Kyla yelled at thier retreating backs, not sure if it was meant for Xavior, Sei, or Zander.

Kyla had no will to watch the following choas, and instead sat down and thought about what Zander had told her. From a distance what happend next would have sounded very comical if it were not actually a fight involving four people Kyla had come to love.

She did love Zander; in his own way he had protected her. She realized that he may have been trying to fill the void of the perfect sibling that Xavior failed to meet. Someone to pass everything he knew onto.

Zander had made some less than honorable decisions, but he did care for people deep down. Kyla remembered him staring at the other men, with a disgusted look on his face, when their actions were cruel rather than necessary. Kyla hoped for the safety of all involved, and hoped for some sort of safe haven for Xavior. Somewhere he would be safe.

That was when Kyla heard a loud RRRRIIIIIPPPP. She could no longer force herself to remain behind. As Kyla approached she could not help but laugh at the scene in front of her.

[Silence Sei]

Zander ran with all of his effort, keeping his brother in tow. The bandit could feel the blue eyes of Sei Orlouge upon him. The paranoia caused Zander to constantly turn around and double check that the mystic was not right behind him. These quick glances nearly cost Zander his freedom on several occasions, as various nets and ropes were rained down from above. They would miss Zander as they activated behind him, but each time they were closer and closer.

Zander finally stopped when he reached the top of a hill, turning around to catch his breath. "It's over Zander," Sei said as he jumped down from the trees, a stern look now on his face. "That trick with the net was clever. I don't think anyone has countered Mystic Protection before. Your talents would be put to better use somewhere else."

"Yeah, right," Zander said as he pulled Xavior closer to him, "all I know how to do is theivery and take care of Xavior, who's going to hire me with those qualifications?" Sei smiled as he thought to himself. The mute began to take several steps towards the bandit leader. It was obvious Sei was not going to back down, and Zander could not lose his focus off of the mystic, or he would be done for.

Due to his carelessness, Zander did not notice as Anita came down from the trees, and lured Xavior away from his brothers grasp. Once Zander felt his little brother tug away from him, the theif looked back to see what was going on. "Xavior, where are y---"

In his rush to go to Anita, Xavior had accidentally made his brother stumbled backwards. The bandit rolled down the hill, and Sei followed. It was not until Zander had hit the large duct tape spider web that Sei quit his pursuit. Zander had awkwardly landed with his arms and legs in ninety degree angles each way. Sei kept his composure as his opponent struggled with great futility. The mute looked upwards towards Kyla once he had heard the laughter and then back to Zander.

"Now that I have your undivided attention," the mute said as he placed a battle fan over his face, "Let us have a talk about what you know how to do..."

[Amber Eyes]

As she regained her composure Kyla looked around for Xavior. He too was laughing at the sight of Zander caught in the web of duct tape. Kyla approached him, and found that he had not been harmed. Relief flooded through her as she made sure everyone involved was okay.

"So I guess we did it." Kyla smiled at Anita.

"Kyla, why is Zander stuck?" Xavior asked

"Well Xavior, that man over there is going to make sure that Zander doesn't do anymore bad things."

As Kyla looked back at Sei, who was speaking with Zander, she was greatful for his lack of vengeance. It took a strong man to go to these efforts to ensure everyone was unharmed, whether they deserved it or not.

She thought she saw Sei give Zander a smile, and wondered what the two could possibly be talking about. It was out of her hands now, and Kyla felt as though the world had been lifted from her shoulders and onto the much more capable ones of Sei.

Kyla had grown attached to Sei and especially to Anita, and while eager to find out her identity, she had no desire to leave their company anytime soon.

Kyla did not know what the future held, but she knew that this was far from over; just a page turned at the beginning of a story.

[Silence Sei]

A few days after these events, Sei and Anita took a stroll down Radasanth. The mute had wanted to meet with Kyla in a location of his choice. While Kyla had been initially excited about the non violent solution to things, Sei knew she was sad over what may happen to Xavior. After all, whereas Xavior could be absolved of all of his sins due to his uniqueness, Zander would not be so fortunate.

Walking down the streets, Sei finally spotted Kyla in front of a large white building. The building seemed as though it had been built rather recently, and still smelled of fresh concrete. Sei smiled as he looked to the girl and spoke. "Kyla, I have a surprise for you," Sei said as he motioned towards the door of the building.

Sei guided the two girls in only to be greeted by none other than Zander himself. "Sei, Anita, Kylana! It's great to see you, business has been great! I can't believe I never thought of this!" Sei looked to Anita, who was too dumbfounded by seeing Zander not behind bars to speak. The mute was sure that Kyla had the same expression. With a smirk, Sei began to explain everything.

"When Zander said he knew how to be a thief and how to be a big brother, it gave me an idea," Sei explained, "Once I had him trapped to where he had no choice but to listen, I told him of said idea. Rather than using his talents to be a crook, it would be more beneficial for Zander to take care of children. I gave Zander the money needed to start the Zander Myers School for Gifted Youngsters."

Indeed, Sei had spoken with the authorities and had all of Zander's crimes wiped clean. All of the crimes were going to be placed on Talarni, the man who had murdered the woman on Kyla's fateful final night with Zander. Sei explained that Zander and Xavior were trying to stop Talarni from the inside, and anything other than petty robbery did not have anything to do with the brothers.

In the course of a week, Sei had found a happy ending for two people swept up in a life of crime, and found a friend for his daughter. Kyla was more than that, however. Sei had felt a strong bond with the girl, something he hadn't felt since that day he had found Anita in Raiaera. Without hesitation, Sei had asked Kyla if she would enjoy becoming his apprentice, much like Anita but with more freedom than the mute's daughter had.

Kyla had agreed at the prospect of not only having another father figure, but the fact that she had a girl to do girly things with now. Every day, if Kyla so wanted, the two could visit Xavior and Zander without worry of the authorities breaking down the door. With a small bag of coins and few choices words, Sei Orlouge had freed three people of guilt; the guilt of abandonment, the guilt of doing unethical things, and the guilt of dragging someone who did not know any better into a world that they didn't belong in.

One chance encounter with Sei Orlouge, and everyone was to have a happy ending. Now Sei and Anita could finally begin helping Kyla find her past, but that would be a story for another day.

(The minor controlling of Kyla approved by Amber Eyes)

[Amaril Torrun]

A Chance Encounter

I was asked to go into a bit of detail, as this is Amber’s first thread.

Story

Continuity - 4 -

Setting - 3 - There were so many locales in this story and none of them were described enough for me to get a sense for any of them. The park had a bench and the market had a merchant. After reading this story, that’s my recollection of what those two places looked like, though that doesn’t look much like anything.

“The sun began to rise as Kyla was writing and she could not help but smile at the beauty of it all.” Did she feel the beams of light climbing over the grassy plains and warming her cool, exposed neck? Did the dewy grass surrounding their camp slowly begin to dry as the starlit night turned to day, sending a crisp, clean scent throughout the region? If you tell someone that something is beautiful, you’ll usually get something along the lines of “Oh. Ok. Cool.” In order to “wow” that person, you need to let them know what made that thing so beautiful.


Pacing - 4 - There tended to have too much go on in a single post, too quickly for me to catch my breath as a reader. I’ll use post sixteen as an example. Within the post, Kyla travels back to Zander’s camp and has a conversation with Xavior. As soon as she tells him to go to sleep, you proceeded to have Kyla wake up with no description of her ever laying down and falling asleep. It happened so quickly, I had to reread to make sure I hadn’t mistaken something. Remember, if you don’t show your reader that there is a break inbetween scenes, your reader won’t know that there’s a break inbetween scenes until it sneaks up on him or her.

Character

Dialogue - 3 - A lot of the dialogue was pretty predictable.

"‘I really hope this works, but I have to admit I'm a little bit nervous about the whole plan. I promise to do my best, but I'm not sure I can do this.’ Kyla was comforted by Anita for some reason, and resolved to fulfill her part of this plan.”

The portion after your quotes sound like an unintentional recant of what Kyla had just said. If your aim was to change from having little faith to being resolute, your readers would be better served with a more in depth reasoning for Anita comforting her other than “some reason.”

“I will show you later." -- You tell your readers that Xavior isn’t the brightest kid on the block. It is far more effective to show your readers character traits and dialogue is one of the best ways to do this. Simple moderations to sentence structure, such as “I’ll show ya later,” serves two purposes. It is effectively the same sentence and Kyla would react to it the same way, and it also reminds your readers of his uneducated background in a not-so-obvious manner. That’s the trick to great writing. Delivering your point without the reader even knowing you did so.

Sei, you tend to use a lot of he said, she said tags with your dialogue. Try to change it up a bit. Instead of: "‘She's working fast, Papa,’ Anita said as if detecting her father's worry, ‘the others will…’” try: “She’s working fast, Papa.” Anita had a keen ability to detect her father’s worry. “The others will…”


Action - 4 - Everything seemed to move along too perfectly and there wasn’t a lot to get excited about.

Persona - 5 - I got a good idea of who Kyla is, regardless of her own questioning of herself. There was even some character growth. I learned little about Sei however. Anita and Xavior were fleshed out adequately enough as secondary characters, but Zander was somewhat wishy-washy.

Writing Style

Mechanics - 3 - This thread was littered with a wide variety of errors, from incomplete sentences, misspelled words, missing words, misusage of commas, tense changes, and viewpoint changes to name a few. I suggest you run your posts through some sort of spelling and grammar check, whether through word processor or a free grammar check on the internet. It won’t catch everything, but it makes proofreading go much more smoothly.

Technique - 3 - There was little room for advanced technique, due in most part to the commentary spread throughout this rubric.

Clarity - 4 - There was a minor inconsistency about how many brothers Sei has. At one point in your first post you mention that he has five, and a few paragraphs later you say he has three. Also, you call him a mute and never clarify how he can speak to others.

“Kyla smiled, the truth is, while Zander may wish for a brother of normal intelligence, she found Xavior to be the most beautiful thing in the world. To never out-grow that childish sense of wonder, and the belief in the permanency of the things we love, if we could all recapture that, the world would be such a wonderful place.”

There are a few things wrong with the paragraph above. As written, “Kyla smiled,” should be a sentence on its own. The second sentence, starting with “The truth is,” is written partly in present and partly in past tense, which throws your readers for a loop. The final sentence is somewhat confusing. It reads like prose, like you just let your own ideas carry onto the page, forgetting the story temporarily. Jumping into first person and writing out beliefs in this manner detracts from the story and could even push your reader away from your work. If this was simply Kyla’s own thoughts on the matter, you need to make it clear that those are the words going through her own mind. Italics are the most useful tool to achieve this.



Wild Card - 4 -



Total score: 37

Amber Eyes earns 341 experience and 100 gold given to her from Zander as a parting gift to help her get started with a new life. As he said, business is booming.

Silence Sei earns 1406 experience and 100 gold paid to him by the authorities for helping to keep the streets clean.



If either of you would like any clarification or further commentary on any particular aspect of the rubric, you're more than welcome to PM me with your questions.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.