The lonely road

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla needed out. She didn't know where she should go, or what she should do. Kyla had never had a family before, and honestly, it was exhausting. The constant worry over other's safety, other than Xavior, was ridiculous. Kyla remembered seeing mother's carrying their children around and thinking that she would like to be a mom one day. Not anymore she didn't.

Sei and Anita were probably the best things to ever happen to her, again other than Xavior, but she needed some time to be selfish. After arguing with Anita this morning, she had approached Sei with a request to leave for a week or two. Sei had seemed to understand, he did after all leave his family to go traipsing about with their one enemy. If anyone should understand needing space it was the youngest in a large family of mystics. Anita had asked to tag along, and Kyla had a feeling she'd show up eventually, but for now she had stayed behind. Sei had bought Anita a few presents, and promised some training that would let her kick Kyla's butt upon her return.

Kyla walked along the lonely road, reveling in the solitude. The sun caressed her skin, and a light breeze created a perfect temperature. It was a beautiful day, the rustling of the leaves on the tall trees that stood a ways off the road made a great distraction from her thoughts. Her feet hitting the road was the only other sound, and it made Kyla feel as though she were all alone, this were her road, and no one could touch her. The sound of other feet interrupted Kyla's thoughts, and she was slightly irritated. Who would possibly be on her road? This person was messing up everything. She grumpily searched for the person who had trespassed upon her solitude, ready to let them have it.

In the distance she noticed a man walking. He was a bit taller than Kyla, and walked as though he had no where to go. He seemed to be pretty well off, and it made Kyla wonder why he was alone on a deserted road. Kyla sped up a bit, hoping to catch up to the stranger, without looking as if she were trying to.

She almost reached him when he spun around. The sudden movement startled Kyla and she quickly conjured her shadow sword. True it was pretty much useless against anyone with any real training, but he didn't know that. Some people got a bit freaked out when someone created a sword from the shadows around them

[Sapphire Eyes]

"I think he's dying sir." The man sat across the table, looking ill at ease. It seemed as though he had heard of Jaxx's reputation.

"Then there isn't anything I can do is there?" Jaxx nearly growled at the man. His gold eyes had a hint of fire in them as he began to get angry.

"Well sir...perhaps it would be nice if you..." The man trailed off, obviously uncomfortable.

"I'm not going back, not ever. Please tell my mother I love her, but my father made his opinion of me pretty clear and the last four years have not changed that." Jaxx threw some money on the table and left the small smoky pub.

The last four years have changed everything.

Jaxx walked out of the small town sober, despite his best efforts. He waved at the girls standing on the edge of town gossiping, and laughed at their red faces and looks at the ground. Jaxx had always had a bit of an effect on women. He was a pretty good-looking guy, but that wasn't the reason. He had been told many times that he made himself much too inaccessible, so women felt they had to try to get in.

He traveled for some time, trying to control the guilt in his gut. Jaxx had left home after a particularly nasty fight with his father. A friend of his had convinced him to invest a large amount of money in a "fool-proof" business plan. The friend had then disappeared, leaving Jaxx to handle his father's wrath. Jaxx had never been one to gracefully accept a scolding, no matter how much he deserved it. Jaxx's father had called him some names, and Jaxx had fought back the only way he knew how. After he struck his father, Jaxx packed a few necessities, and was gone. His privileged childhood was over, and he did not have much money left to his name. The last four years had been spent learning to defend and fend for himself.

As he walked, Jaxx thought about all the things he would say to his parents given the chance. No, I cannot go back. I am not the man they raised.

Jaxx heard the sound of feet coming up behind him, a little too quickly. He spun around, with his hand on his weapon. A young girl stood before him, and she frantically conjured up a small sword. She seemed reluctant to use it, and the sight of a girl with a sword, terrified of him made Jaxx laugh.

[Amber Eyes]

It was a laugh from deep down in his belly, and it echoed through the empty spaces all around. It was such a deep beautiful sound, Kyla became caught up in it. Kyla felt the tinge of a smile at the edges of her lips. Why is he laughing? Is he laughing at me? After a moment, she regained her composure and became irritated with this stranger laughing as though she couldn't harm him.

Kyla began, "I don't really think this is a very funny situation. I could at any moment take the breath right out of you. I could be an incredibly dangerous woman...strike that, I AM an incredibly dangerous woman... I have killed lots of people, and I kill dogs too, just for the fun of it." The man seemed to find her more and more funny as she went on. Kyla became enraged and continued this time in a shout, "I don't get you, what on earth could possibly be so funny?"

Kyla was beginning to get tired, conjuring her sword took a lot of energy, but sustaining it slowly drained her. This was the longest she had ever kept it out without someone destroying it.

"I'm sorry, but have you ever heard yourself talk?" The man continued between fits of laughter. They still had their weapons pulled, but no one seemed ready to use them. "I could take the breath out of you? I kill dogs for the fun of it? I bet you've never killed a spider."

"I have too! I've hunted! Maye the dog thing was a bit much, but I am actually pretty good with a sword thank you very much."

"That's exactly what I figured....hey what's wrong with your face?"

"What do you mean what's wrong with my face?"

"You are completely pale, like your going to be sick....ma'aam?"

Kyla began to sway, she should never have tried to sustain the shadow magic for this long, her father and Sei had both warned her. With a small cry Kyla fell to the ground.

[Sapphire Eyes]

Why does this crap always happen to me? Here he stood, the soon to be great Jaxx Stone, with a dumb girl crumpled at his feet.

"You’re a stubborn little thing aren't you? Well, here we go."

Jaxx bent down, and touched the girl’s neck to feel her heartbeat. Her skin was soft, and it felt good against Jaxx's calloused hands. Her pulse was steady, as if she had only fallen asleep. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed, and Jaxx could not help but notice she was really quite lovely. Her brown hair surrounded her pale face, bringing out the hint of red in her cheekbones. Her shirt had fallen off of her right shoulder and Jaxx had to resist the urge to touch the newly unclothed skin. Her body was an hourglass shape, he had not noticed this before due to her much too large clothes. She was bleeding from her elbow, a blue puddle forming on the dirt.

Great, I meet a pretty mystic girl and she attacks me and passes out. I have all the luck!

He picked up the girl and began the short walk to his cousin's home. John had left the home many years before and had given Jaxx permission to use it as he traveled. It was a pretty little cottage, and there may be some bandages to fix up that elbow.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla was floating. She was gently soaring over the Corone countryside. Clouds passed her, providing a cooling wind. There were beautiful flowers, purples, yellows, pinks, swirling together to create a magnificent portrait of home. She could see Sei and Anita standing outside of the tomb, smiling up at her. It was the most peaceful moment Kyla could remember. As she floated, she realized that the wolf from her journey to Chateau Drantrak was biting her on the arm. Kyla began flailing her arm attempting to push the wolf away, but it would not budge. The pain began to consume all of the beauty surrounding her until all she felt was pain and darkness. She opened her eyes sleepily and realized that she was not floating; she was awkwardly being carried up a path by the jerk that tried to attack her on the road. Her elbow throbbed and she knew some how, some way it was entirely his fault.

"Put me down you...you...just put me down!" Kyla shouted with as much force as she could muster, which wasn't much.

"So you can fall on your face again? I don't think so. Just calm down we're here anyway."

"We're where? I'm not going in there; you might hurt me or something."

"Ma'am with all due respect if I were interested I would have done that a half hour ago."

"Just put me down."

"Okay, as you wish."

Kyla had been so caught up in the argument she had not noticed that the man had carried her through the house and into a pink and white room. It was wonderful really. The curtains were a checkered pink and white, and there were lovely knickknacks throughout the room. There was one figurine that stood out to Kyla in particular. It was a man, with no face, holding a small girl. She was reaching up to touch his cheek. The memory of being separated from her own father caused Kyla to tear up.

"What happened to me back there?" Kyla asked to distract herself.

"You passed out. And your sword shattered."

"How long were we standing there?"

"About twenty minutes."

"That's the longest I've ever kept my sword in one piece. It's hard to sustain that much energy. I'm a mystic if you haven't already figured it out by now. Name's Kyla, Kyla Orlouge."

The man came to the bed, with bandages in hand, and softly began to clean her wound.

"The last name sounds a bit familiar, I've heard it somewhere before. Your not related to Sei Orlouge, Hero of Radasant? Doesn't he have a daughter?"

"Yes, Sei is my uncle. He does have a daughter, Anita. She's my best friend."

"I've heard stories of his bravery many times, you must have some good blood in you."

"Thanks...ouch."

The wound was stinging terribly and Kyla grimaced.

"Sorry, I'm trying to be careful. You hit the road pretty hard, and the fact that you fell on your sword didn't help much."

"You never told me your name.'

"Jaxx Stone, and it's a pleasure to meet you Kyla."

Jaxx stone. How perfect As Jaxx finished bandaging the wound, Kyla rolled over and dreamed of the man, with the amber eyes.

[Sapphire Eyes]

Jaxx lightly closed the door to the room that was supposed to be off-limits. John did not like for the door to be opened, but surely he would understand if the girl was injured. It's not as though he came around here often anyway. He had run off after the death of his daughter and become a psychologist or some other mental health expert, at least that's all Jaxx could assume from his hastily scrawled letters.

Each one began the same way.

I am busy teaching lessons to those who need them.
It usually continued with something about someone epiphany that they were taking their life for granted, or that they shouldn't kill people. The ending was also always the same.
Go home before it's too late. Kiss your mother and shake your father's hand or you will one day regret it.

I get it John, I really do. Losing Anna must have been impossible to deal with, but this isn't the same at all. Bringing my family together will never heal yours.

Jaxx pushed the thoughts aside as he put away the bandages and antiseptic. He thought instead of the beautiful girl whom he had rescued. Sure it was his fault that she needed rescuing, but it was a heroic moment nonetheless. The sword trick was pretty cool in and of itself, other than the fact that it apparently made her faint. She might be fun to keep around for a while, if he could ever get those piercing sapphire eyes out of his mind

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla slept heavily and awoke with a sense of calm. She looked around her, taking in the plush carpet, and the lamps covered in butterflies. This is the room of one lucky little girl. This is what I would have dreamt of if I had even had a room as a kid.

As she stood up, Kyla noticed that the lamp was turned on and off by a switch shaped like a dragonfly. "That's it!" She muttered to herself, "Sei HAS to buy me that lamp when I get home."

Kyla dreamily followed a strange but wonderful smell into the kitchen.

"What are you making?"

"Why are you worried about it, it's not for you." Jaxx Joked

Missing the laughter in his voice, Kyla began to pout. "I was just asking. You don't have to be such a jerk all the time. I'll just be on my way."

With that she turned and walked out of the kitchen.

"Kyla wait!" Jaxx pursued her, "You’re in no shape to leave. COME BACK HERE."

Kyla, angered by his sudden screaming turned on the balls of her feet. "You know, I might listen a little better if you didn't act like such an arrogant ass all the time." Her cheeks flushed at the use of such a word, and she sat on the couch to pout.

Kyla waited for the man to come comfort her, but instead she heard light footsteps walking towards the kitchen door, and finally the sound of it swinging back into place.

How dare he not come talk to me! What kind of guy doesn't comfort a girl when she is upset.

Kyla puzzeled over the man's strange behavior. She had always been given lots of attention and Jaxx's refusal to give into her games were really starting to upset her.

I think I'll go ask for a drink, that way he can apologize without having to come in here

[Sapphire Eyes]

Jaxx sat at the table completely confused. What on earth was that?

This girl was obnoxious. She couldn't even take a joke, and she became completely irrational. So why on earth did he feel guilty?

The more he stewed over the last few minutes, the angrier he became. No, he would not apologize when he had done nothing wrong. Let the girl be a prima Donna, it didn't matter to him. He was so distracted; he didn't notice the kitchen door open.

"I'm really thirsty." Kyla said timidly.

"Well get something to drink" Jaxx angrily gestured towards the cabinet.

Jaxx noticed that Kyla walked much slower than necessary towards the cabinet, and pulled out a clean glass. She turned the tap on just a trickle and it seemed to take forever for the girl to fill the glass. Why was she moving so slowly, when just a moment ago she wanted to be no where near him?

Kyla finally turned off the faucet and slowly left the room as if waiting for something.

Jaxx glanced up as she again entered, gesturing at the now empty glass. How did she drink that so fast He wondered. I guess she's parched after sleeping for so long

Jaxx moved to the small white stove, and began stirring the rice-a-roni.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla walked much slower than necessary towards the cabinet, and pulled out a clean glass. She turned the tap on just a trickle and waited for the sound of Jaxx's voice.

-
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As the glass became full Kyla had no choice but to turn the water off and skulk out of the room. Once outside the door Kyla dumped the water into a potted plant and entered again.

Jaxx glanced up as she re-entered the room. He walked to the stove and showed no sign of speaking to her. Kyla filled her glass again, this time drinking half of it before placing it in the sink. She began to walk out of the room, but stopped halfway.

"Would you like me to leave?"

"No, I want you to make sense."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying confusing," Kyla stated plainly as she again left the kitchen. "I just tried to be friendly, and you snapped at me, and then you want to get mad when I get upset.

Jaxx appeared in front of her.

"Kyla..." he started.

"No, just let me go, you are a horrible host by the way..."

[Sapphire Eyes]

Jaxx didn't want Kyla to leave; he just wanted her to shut up. He had tried reasoning, joking, and ignoring and none of that seemed to be working too well. Without thinking, he leaned in and kissed her.

Voices in his head were screaming that this was a bad idea, but the moment he touched her lips he knew he would never listen to them again. She tasted of honeysuckle, and her breathing calmed as they kissed. He placed his arms around her, and felt her melt into him.

Jaxx slowly pulled his head back and said, "You are the most infuriating girl I have ever..."

His words were cut off a she kissed him again. The now familiar feel of her soft lips pulled him away from reality. All he could smell were flowers, and all he could taste was honeysuckle. He could have stayed and held and kissed her forever. She pulled away this time and opened her eyes, those beautiful blue eyes. They were so much brighter now, almost sparkling. At that moment Jaxx knew that from now on, he would do whatever it took to make those eyes light up like that forever. With that one kiss, Jaxx understood that his life had changed forever.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla felt her heart beating loudly in her chest, she had never felt so wonderful and yet so confused. She became conscious of every movement, ever breath. This kiss...her first kiss...seemed to have brought her to the surface. It felt as though she had been hidden, and only now saw the light of day. The green walls in the living area brought out the gold in his eyes, and it took her breath away. The strength in his arms made her forget what it was to be afraid, even as the feelings she had terrified her. Kyla had never felt something so strange, and she wasn't sure how exactly to move forward.

As she stood close to him, her head resting on his chest, she noticed the black smoke curling through the kitchen doorway.

"Jaxx?"

"Huh?" Jaxx dreamily replied.

"JAXX!" Kyla found the strength to pull herself away, and pointed at the closed door, now surrounded by black smoke. The smell was beginning to reach her nostrils and it made her gag.

Jaxx turned around, shouted a quick "Shit!" and ran into the kitchen. Kyla quickly followed, and upon seeing that there was no fire, just a lot of smoke, she giggled.

[Sapphire Eyes]

Jaxx burned his hand as her grabbed the hot pot, and it snapped him back into reality. He had just kissed this girl, really kissed her. The scary part was, he wanted to do it again. He quickly carried the pot to the sink and let if fill halfway with water, creating a disgusting looking mixture of black and brown. Jaxx stared at the liquid to avoid Kyla's gaze. As her hand touched his shoulder he heard her whisper something that sounded like "Glad it wasn't for me."

The sound of her voice made him realize his mistake. No more attachments, no more collateral damage. You can't do this to this girl, you can't even take care of yourself. Don't give her any false hope.

"I think it may be best if we both go to bed, that is, if you aren't hungry."

"I don't think I'll put you through the trouble of cooking again."

They stood awkwardly staring at each other, waiting for something to happen. Jaxx realized that Kyla was probably expecting some romantic gesture, but he just didn't have the ability to give it to her. He was a mess of emotions, but mostly, he was scared.

"Well...good night then Kyla."

He abruptly left the kitchen, attempting not to run from the woman he was now falling for. I will protect her...and even if she doesn't know it, she needs to be protected from men like me.

Jaxx sat on the edge of his bed, and tried helplessly to get her beautiful blue eyes out of his mind. Jaxx had only cared for four people in his life. One was dead, the others he had not seen in years, all his own fault. He had not been there for John who had been like a brother to him when his little girl had been taken away. He had been unable to put his pride aside to save his mother from heartbreak. He had been so selfish he had destroyed his family.

You are not much more than a child Kyla, and I will not hurt you.

Jaxx pulled himself to his feet and walked down the hall towards the kitchen. When he opened the door, he half expected Kyla to still be at the table, waiting for him. What he found instead was a note.

I'm not sure what happened and I'm sorry if I upset you. I feel like I have to let you know some things, and I don't know how to say them so I will put them here. I was raised by a group of men who did some really bad things. You may have heard of Zander Myers. I feel like you need to know about this before you can make a decision about me. I'm not as innocent as you may believe, and I don't want you to want me under false pretences. I hope we can talk tomorrow.
Kyla

Jaxx put down the page and smiled to himself. A non innocent would never feel it necessary to tell me that in the first place. The name Zander Myers did sound familiar, but Jaxx was unable to place it. As he racked his mind, he heard a door open. Hoping Kyla had come out to talk to him, he entered the living room. In the doorway, a man was wiping his feet on the rug. At the sight of him, Jaxx felt a childlike joy. After five long years, his cousin John stood before him.

[The Trap Master]

John Shelby stood in the entry of what used to be his home. He shifted his eyes back and forth in order to take in the decor. Jaxx had not changed the house much which was both a blessing and a curse to the man. This was the home he felt the most comfortable in, but it was also the home that he had spent the most time with Anna. Small tears began to well up in his eyes as he focused on his relative across from him.

"Jaxx," his voice was hoarse. It was as if he had spent an hour crying his eyes out. Normally such an action would not have been odd for John Shelby, after losing Anna the way that he did. "You better sit down, pal."

His trembling hands went towards the pocket of his trench coat. John slowly removed a letter from his coat pocket as he looked to the boy. He could tell from the look in his cousin's eyes that Jaxx could telegraph John's sadness. The man was not trying to do much to hide the fact that he had been upset. John took a stern swallow as he approached Jaxx, keeping his eyes locked on his relative.

Normally, John would just write letters from his other home to Jaxx. This was something that required a face to face confrontation however. The man had been kept in constant contact with Jaxx's family. They sent him letters regarding how they were, and he would relay how Jaxx was doing in return. The letter that John held in his hand had been one that was addressed specifically to his cousin. It stated something that the boy should know, though John was not sure if the text within would help Jaxx cope with what had happened.

"Jaxx," John tried to grasp at the words again, "Jaxx, two nights ago... two nights ago Joshua passed away. He had been sick for weeks. I guess his illness finally took him. I'm sorry Jaxx." John placed a hand on his cousin's shoulder. His uncle had almost been like a brother to him, they were so close to the same age. Taking the letter, John walked over to the table and placed it on it's wooden top.

"That letter is specifically for you. I was told not to read it. I haven't. I just didn't think that written word was going to be the same as a shoulder to cry on. If you need anything, you know I'm here for you. I'm so sorry."

John stood in the kitchen looking at his relative, expecting some sort of reaction from the youth.

[Sapphire Eyes]

Before Jaxx stood a vision of his youth. Memories of fun filled days spent with his older cousin raced to his mind. The man's pale skin stood out against the dark green walls that surrounded him. It had been years since Jaxx had seen his cousin in person. As if back from the dead, here stood the great John Shelby.

Jaxx took a step to embrace the man before him, but stopped abruptly as he realized what must have happened to warrant a visit. His father's face filled his mind, strong-willed and brilliant. These words had been used to describe Jaxx from time to time, but to him, they belonged to his father. As his cousin began to talk Jaxx noticed that his voice sounded rough and his eyes were swollen. Jaxx had only seen John cry once before, the last time he saw him.

John asked Jaxx to sit, and then followed him into the kitchen. The bright room still smelled strongly of burnt rice. Jaxx thought of the humor in the fact that burnt rice would now make him think of his dead father. Jaxx took a seat in the hard wooden chair, and felt like a child who was about to be scolded, a feeling he had a particular distaste for.

John's voice was drowned out by the voices in Jaxx's mind. Telling him how much he had hurt his father before he died. Jaxx's pride had caused him to be unable to go to his father in his last days, and he would never forgive himself.

As John continued talking, he pulled a letter out of his pocket. Jaxx took it and slowly opened it, as though afraid it might have something dangerous inside. One look at the beautiful penmanship that filled so many letters in his wastebasket begging him to come back told him he was right to be so frightened.

Dearest Jaxx
I have prayed daily that you would return to make amends with your father. I am truly sorry to have to tell you this in a letter, but I do not know how else to contact you. Your father died of heart failure in his sleep. He left a box for you that I was instructed not to open. Jaxx, please come home. I need you, and I believe that you will need me too. I have lost so much in recent days, I hope maybe I can get my son back.
Mom

Jaxx stood from his chair and looked at his cousin. The expectant look on his face caused the rage inside Jaxx mind to direct itself at the innocent man.

"I suppose you think I'm horrible for not going to see him don't you? You think that I'm an arrogant jerk who let my father die all alone because I was too proud to go back, right? Keep your lecture, I know what I am!"

Jaxx took two slow steps back, and stammered, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Thank you..." Unable to complete his statement, Jaxx sat back down and wept.

[The Trap Master]

John stood silent as Jaxx read the letter from his mother. When he was done, the youth lashed out at his cousin. John maintained his composure as he suffered the slings and accusations of his family member. The boy realized what he was doing and apologized rather quickly to John. John then approached Jaxx, placing a hand on the crying youth as his eyes looked down at the letter.

"Jaxx," John spoke with a soft tone, "I think you should go to your mother. She's worried about you, and she needs you now more than ever. I think what you should do is write a letter to your friend saying that you'll be gone for a little while. I'm sure she'll understand if you explain the circumstances behind your disappearance."

As John spoke to his friend, he began to realize that he had let something slip. The man had been keeping tabs on his younger cousin from afar. News traveled fast when Jaxx Stone brought about a young girl to his home. John had hoped that the child didn't register that John was referring to Kyla.

"I know it's tough right now, but you'll make it through this. I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need anything. You are still welcome to this house when you come back. Lord knows I haven't really been in it since--” John stopped in mid-sentence before he began to cry again. He could not put his own tragedy before Jaxx's today. It was all about his cousin right now, and John had to show that he still had someone who loved him in Radasanth.

"Get away from the big city life for a bit Jaxx. Go home and take care of your father's estate. Everything will be how you left it when you return, okay?" John moved his eyes towards the window that stood above the kitchen sink, looking out at the beautiful sunny day. "I can help you take care of anything you need before you go, okay?"

[Sapphire Eyes]

Jaxx struggled for a moment, trying to get an argument out between sobs. He wiped his eyes a bit harder than necessary, willing the tears to stop flowing. The drying tears caused his cheeks to itch. Resisting the urge to scratch his face provided enough distraction for Jaxx to regain a bit of composure, although he realized all hopes at appearing masculine had been taken away with his wailing. He gained enough strength to pull himself to standing, and looked deep in his cousins eyes.

"You right...of course your right." Jaxx could not think straight and was so confused at this point he didn't even realize that John should not know of Kyla's existence. "I'll write a letter...you'll make sure she gets home safely right?" Jaxx continued without an answer, "I'll just go pack a few things and write something for her...I'll explain it somehow."

Jaxx fixed himself a glass of water, and gulped it enthusiastically. "Everything will be okay," He said with much more faith than he felt. "It will all be okay." Even as he said the words he again felt tears rush to his eyes.

You WILL NOT cry again. You had your moment of grief. John has seen enough sadness in his days.
Jaxx bit his tongue and moved quickly from the room. As he threw a few things into his bag he thought of what he would write to the girl who had made him feel whole for a moment. To leave now seemed like the cruelest of tortures, to find yourself only to lose it moments later. He sat at the mahogany desk facing the window in the small bland bedrooma and wrote what he could to explain his feelings. When finished, he walked back to John and handed him the letter. One quick handshake, a nod, and a muffled "thanks" and he was gone.

[The Trap Master]

Jaxx's handshake felt different. For once, John could feel like the boy had a purpose. John watched as the youth ran off with no more than a 'Thanks'. The older man stayed in the kitchen for several moments, taking in all that he remembered. So much fun was had in this kitchen; both with his wife and his child. The thoughts almost caused tears to well up in John's eyes.

He had to stop thinking about such things. Now that Jaxx was gone, he had a mission to accomplish. Slowly walking room to room, John made sure that everything was as it should be. As he walked down the hall connecting several of the rooms, however, he noticed a crack in Anna's door. Walking towards the door, John slowly peeked through the crack. His eyes widened at the sight he had seen.

Kyla Orlouge was asleep in her bed. Watching her chest rise up and down with each breath just provided more fuel to John's rage. Who did this girl think she was, sleeping in Anna's bed?! The man took a step back to calm his nerves. Taking in several breaths and counting to ten, John moved a hand over his graying hair to regain his composure. Slowly walking into the kitchen, John's eyes shifted around the room.

Third cabinet on the right...

Walking towards the third cabinet to the right of the sink, John opened up the twin doors. The man reached in and pulled out a bottle of clear liquid. He set down the bottle and reached into his pockets. The older man placed two black leather gloves on his hands. Walking to the door beside the living rooms doorframe, John entered his laundry room. John's eyes locked onto what he needed for his next test. Grabbing a white piece of cloth that was strung up on a wire, John returned to the kitchen.

He poured the contents of the bottle carefully into the cloth. Just enough to knock her out, not enough to kill her. John placed the bottle back into the cabinet and gripped the cloth tightly. He was grateful that his cousin had been in such a rush as to not question certain objects being in the house. Returning to Anna's room, John slowly opened the door. Taking several steps into the room, John eventually made his way to Kyla Orlouge. He would have to be quick, lest Sei Orlouge begin to question the location of his 'daughter'.

Sei easily forgave Kyla's past transgressions. John was not so forgiving.

He placed the cloth over the girl's face slightly forcing his weight upon her to confirm no struggle. He waited several seconds before removing the chloroform soaked rag. He stuffed the rag into his pocket and wrapped his arms around the girl. Heaving her over his shoulder, John began to walk out of the house. As the man opened a door, a cool wind began to blow through the house. John heard the sound of an envelope hitting the ground, but paid it no mind. When Kyla got out of his trap, she would probably return here and find whatever it was.

The letter Jaxx wrote laid on the floor, unopened.

[Sapphire Eyes]

Kyla
I am so sorry to leave just as we are getting to know each other. I have been called back home to care for my family and I must go quickly. Please know that I will never forget you and once my duty is done I will find you. You have given me more in one day than I ever thought possible. I ask that you wait for me Kyla. Maybe I'm rushing things, but I cannot help feeling as though we would be foolish not to see where this goes. You have awakened a part of me that I did not believe existed. You are the reason I have the strength to do what I do now.
Jaxx

[Taskmienster]

The Lonely Road :: Full commentary, as requested. I’m going to be doing as much as possible, splitting it between the two writers if necessary. If either of you have questions, concerns, or would like further commentary feel free to PM or IM me and I will help as much as possible.



Continuity 4

:: It took me a long time to get into the story, mostly because I wasn’t sure of what the purpose of the thread itself was.

Setting 4

:: A more in-depth focus on the setting could always help. Remember, the reader is just as interested in what’s around as they are in what’s going on. If you paint a picture for the reader, we can follow the story along with you; immerse ourselves in your surroundings so that we can feel like we’re part of the story. I enjoy, as a reader, being able to put myself in the characters shoes. It’s I think the most intriguing part of reading stories, is that even if the character isn’t remotely close to me or my personality, I can jump right in the story with them. The most pivotal part of being able to jump into a story, is by far being able to truly feel the surroundings and be comfortable enough with the way it’s written in order to get into it. I would suggest, first and foremost when writing setting, is that you go after visual. It’s the simplest form of setting to portray. But the other types of setting you can delve into are the other four sense; taste, touch, smell, and what you hear. If you work with those you can easily get the reader into the story.

Pacing 3

:: The pacing was very slow. Each post dragged into the next. The main reason, I think, for this is because the continuity was lacking. It was incredibly hard to get into a story when I wasn’t sure what the purpose of the story was. That, added to the fact that each post kinda changed length and depth of story made it drag quite a bit. Depth of the story, that need for posts that have true meaning, that comes as much from what you add each post as it does from the way you write the narrative. When you write only one line dialogue without any narrative added to it, it gets choppy and quick. Same with if you write the majority of your narrative paragraphs having only one to three sentences in each one.

Dialogue 4

:: [[I don't get you, what on earth could possibly be so funny?"]] Post 3, Amber Eyes :: We don’t really have any connection to “earth”, so phrases like that sound funny and look out of place on Althanas.

:: In that same post, by Amber Eyes (post 3) at the bottom of it you have written lines of dialogue, but no specifics regarding who was saying what. I’d suggest you add a little bit here and there, it’s not necessary to put who said what after every line, but it helps to keep the reader following what’s going on all the same.

:: [["I suppose you think I'm horrible for not going to see him don't you? You think that I'm an arrogant jerk who let my father die all alone because I was too proud to go back, right? Keep your lecture, I know what I am!"

Jaxx took two slow steps back, and stammered, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Thank you..." Unable to complete his statement, Jaxx sat back down and wept.]] Post 14; Sapphire Eyes :: I bring this part of the post up because it tends to stick out the most to me as far as another aspect of dialogue that could be worked on. Dialogue isn’t just about the spoken or internal monologues that a person has, but it deals a great deal with the feel and emotion involved in the speech. Adding synonyms for “said” and giving a little detail as far as how something was said such as inflections helps with how the reader views the dialogue. Also, actions surrounding speech patterns and words helps a whole lot with the action aspect of the writing as well.

Action 4

:: The Action in the 3rd post confused me a little bit. If conjuring the weapon makes you worn out and pass out, why would you conjure it for so long? Why wouldn’t you bring it out when absolutely necessary, but other than that leave it in waiting for use?

Persona 3

:: [[He seemed to be pretty well off, and it made Kyla wonder why he was alone on a deserted road.]] Post 1; Amber :: I’m noting this with technique because it’s a perfect example of the advanced technique that is missing in the thread. You could use this as one of the many times to add something more, something deeper. Instead of just saying “seemed to be pretty well off” you could have elaborated a little bit on why he seemed that way. Was it the way the person walked? Was it something they were wearing, or a possession that they had with them? Elaborate a little bit. It’s important to use this as a means for persona. A personality (persona) is not just about the main character, and not just expressed through the dialogue and action, but also through the narrative.

Technique 2

:: There was a good bit of times when you could have made use of advanced techniques, from similes and metaphors to anything else really. I tend to use the majority of my advanced technique in the form of similes and metaphors (which is why I always note them) because they’re simple to write into the setting to make it stand out more. “Smells like”, “Tastes like”, “feels like”… those things work extremely well with setting.

Mechanics 6

:: [[this were her road, and no one could touch her.]] Post 1; Amber Eyes :: “this [was] her road…” because were is incorrect in context.

:: There were quite a bit of little things here and there, mostly sentence phrasing and such. It’s more of a confusing and awkward way of phrasing that tends to make the clarity difficult to follow.

Clarity 5

Wild Card 5


Score: 40!

Rewards:

Amber Eyes :: 336 exp | 75 gold

Sapphire Eyes :: 185 exp | 25 gold

Trap Master :: 360 exp | 35 gold

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!

Amber Eyes is now level 1!