I walked into a bar

[Amaril Torrun]

(( OPEN ))

So I walked into the bar and lo' and behold, I found myself looking at a Salvarian slave, a Raiaerian border hopper and a Coronian farmer, all sitting together at a sagging, rotten table. I don't know why it reminded me of some foreign joke, but maybe it was the gal in the far corner, or the fella in the middle of the room, or the cyborg freak in the other corner.

Flipping my tail around wrecklessly and walking up to the bar's counter with a puffed out, bare chest and a swagger about me that I couldn't recall having in any recent memory.

"Sup barkeep? Lend me an ale, good sir."

I tossed some amount of coin at the young lad serving the drinks, pretty sure he was getting an oversized tip by the loudness of the clanging metal hitting the hollowed out plank of wood before us.

I didn't care. I was already drunk from the bar next door.

[Karuka]

Karuka stepped into the tavern, rolling her shoulders to loosen up a bit. The road goes ever on and on, and all that, but sometimes you need to sit down and have a pint.

This particular bar was a pretty seedy little dive, but it wasn't like she'd been in much worse, and even in countries where she couldn't speak the language. As far as she was concerned, it was a place in her favor. And so long as there was ale, she was good to go.

She walked up to the bar and tossed a coin onto the counter. "Ale, whichever's strongest."

It had been a while since she'd had a good ale, and as she lifted the drink she'd ordered to her lips, she sighed a little. It would be a while longer before she had a good ale.

Oh well, she thought, leaning against the grimy counter and looking around at the crowd. Maybe something interesting will happen.

[Duffy]

Here's a vignette, Duffy thought, his head smashing against a metaphorical brick wall. In another galaxy, he'd have resembled someone not unlike Benny Hill, mixed with a little post-Ike-Tina-Turner. "I ain't drinking again, caus' it's like quantum jumping a magic missile whilst closing your eyes."

It'd have been a poigniant point if it were made in the right circles, but the crowd of this inn didn't share an IQ higher than 15 between the lot of them.

He turned to watch some lime, scaly looking rag-timer wobble about, muttered something about immigration, wearing a mask and taking all the good jobs then clanged his head back on the table to sing Sweet Home Salvaria in what he presumed to be the same key the Eraclaire Fan Girls were singing on the veranda.

[Amaril Torrun]

Half the ale splashed onto my chest as I tried to down the mug in one gulp. Drunkeness wasn't my forte so to speak. In fact, it was as rare as my swagger. I put the mug on the counter to ask for another, but it skidded away and clammored to the ground several feet past the young man. Forgetting my place for a moment, I spread my giant wings to fly over the counter and pick up the dish, only to feel those blasted membranes push a few drunkards over to either side of me.

That's when I saw a zesty red head, obviously looking for the same experience as I. Stumbling toward her, I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Say lady, you want a banana cream pie to go with yer ale? My treat."

I didn't know if the tavern had that particular pie. I didn't know if it had any sort of pie for that matter. The only thing I knew for certain was that this red head was somewhat familiar. I couldn't place her. Maybe my creator had read something about her in the past? In any case, I was sure that I would get to know her better in the most cliche form possible.

[Karuka]

If the gods that governed Karuka (however little she believed that) were familiar with Amaril Torrun (and oh, they are, believe me, they are) she had no way of knowing it. All she knew was that she was being propositioned by a drunken lizardman.

Well, hardly the first time.

But this could be interesting! Or at the very least, fun. Poor drunken lizardman didn't know what he'd gotten himself into, for this is Karuka, buster of balls! Ripper-out-of-throats! Strong and firey red-head! But this was a place to unwind! All that stuff could be saved for the Citadel.

She threw a glance back over the counter, and got a shake of the head from the barkeep. "Looks like there is no pie. Too bad. 'Name's Karuka."

He probably hasn't heard it. Karuka O'Sheean is not as famous a name as other powerful Althanians. But she's just fine with that.

[Duffy]

"There's pie?" Duffy sat upright, suddenly overcome with an urge for crusty lids and creamy dribbles.

"Gimme!"

[Amaril Torrun]

Without my mug nearby, and with the young man behind the counter seemingly cleaning up the mess of some fool, my mouth was beginning to feel a bit like it was filled with cotton. It wasn't a comfortable feeling, but neither was sitting to some girl named Karuka and striking up a conversation out of thin air. The feminine species was yet another thing not counted amongst my strengths.

"Is nice ter meet ya, Karuka." I held out my hand, looking for a handshake. Fingers outstretched, I wondered how intimidating my claws were when pointed at strange women. I suppose very. In any case, the hand was there for her to accept or refuse. I was too drunk to be effected either way.

While waiting for the completion of the greeting, my mind wandered to my surroundings, as if in an attempt to build up some literary setting. I had the strange impression that that was important for some reason. The bar was buzzing with activity, from waitresses yelling out orders over the noise of drunk men and women that looked like men. The whole place was a little rickety in my opinion, but bars weren't exactly in my repertoire either. There was also a man seemingly interested in the concept of pie, and I noticed start to make his way over to us. It was during my little episode of describing the setting to myself that I forgot to give Karuka my name.

"Oh, and I'm Amaril, by the way."

((The bunnying of Duffy was not approved.))

[Karuka]

Well, Amaril. What an unusual name...but he has a user title, so there! Karuka shook his hand, making sure to reach past the claws so that he didn't scratch her...but they were only itty bitty claws.

Then again, she may well have been biased. When you have a friend at your beck and call who can pop MEAT HOOKS out of his paws, it's just hard to be afraid of anything else you met. And how long ago had she been to the Liviol Sanctum?

Well, if not for Amaril, even though their paths have never crossed before, she wouldn't have that friend, so she should be grateful.

[Amaril Torrun]

My claws figuratively withered at the thinly veiled insult to my manlihood. Karuka didn't seem like the nicest girl in the world, but she was still the prettiest in the tavern. Even with her hair looking rusty. Even with her blue eyes not being as dazzling as my own. Just thinking of my incredibly handsome features was enough to regain my alcohol induced swagger.

Taking my hand away for a moment, I looked over at guy that had shown interest in the pie. He looked like a street performer of some sort, with a skinny, dancer like frame. Maybe he's a jester? I wasn't sure who to pay attention to. After five terrible second pondering my dilemma, my problem was solved as a duplicate version of myself walked out of my body and sat next to the man.

"Hey clown guy. Do something funny."

At the same time, my first self stuck with Karuka.

"So lady, what er ya doing here?"

[Duffy]

"Do somethin' funny?" Duffy mumbled, somewhat stumped.

"What..."

((Long ominous pause.))

"Like your mum?"

[Karuka]

If Karuka had the ability to hear the shot to her beauty, she just would have laughed. The awkward combination of gold skin and blood-red hair made her look strange wherever she went. She'd learned to live with that a long time ago.

After all...pretty, ugly, she was the girl with the phoenix. Baby phoenix.

"What's it look like I'm doing here?" she asked, lifting her drink to her lips. "Washin' th' road dust out of my mouth."

She glanced over at the other drunk, the one next to Amaril's doppelganger. Poor guy. A coxcomb and no pie.

[Amaril Torrun]

My mum? This clown wasn't funny. Insulting my mom was a serious offense and I decided right then and there that I would treat it as such. Well over twice his size, and almost monstrous in appearance, I had no doubt I could take the pipsqueak jester on. Insulting my mom...

"You just made a pretty nasty mistake." I was usually good natured, but I was drunk. "You don't insult my mom like that."

I took a swing at the clown kid's face, hoping to take him out in one punch. Its too bad I wasn't sober, since then I'd remember that I didn't have a mom.

----------------

While I was busy starting a pub brawl, I listened to yet another internal monologue from Karuka. She had the same swagger as myself.

"Doesn't this ale taste like road dust though?" I shot the young barkeep a sinister grin, as if daring him to challenge my comment. He was busy watching me attempt to wail on the clown though, his face horror sticken.

"I guess we can help ourselves to the nasty stuff." Sliding a hand over the counter, I grabbed a bottle of what looked like whiskey. That's what my creator would call it. I wouldn't know. Knowing drinks wasn't one of my talents. "Want some liquor?" I practically shoved the bottle into Karuka.

[Karuka]

Karuka looked at the bottle and raised an eyebrow.

"Only thing this stuff is good for is fireballs. You can tell by the way it burns going down. Although, yeah...the local ale is swill, pure and simple."

Whiskey, on the other hand...well...she'd never actually DRINK the stuff, but she had uses for it. She didn't NEED it very often, but it was great stuff.

Cleaning out someone's wounds when you wanted them to think you hated them, for one...fire breathing for another.

And yeah, you could drink yourself into a coma with it.

[Amaril Torrun]

"Fireballs?" I shuddered a bit. Fire wasn't necessarily a strength of mine. Actually, getting hit with fire would kill my quicker than a hawk gliding toward a field to pick up a morsel of mouse. Or just quicker than it'd kill your typical person. The hair on my forearms prickled at the thought of a flame melting my icy veins. This Karuka chick could cause some problems for me.

I decided to play it off as if her comment didn't affect me. She didn't know I was vulnerable to fire. I just looked like your everyday, typical half-dragon. "Yeah, I'd guess we wouldn't find nothin' worthwhile in this lil heep. Here, ya can have it. Sounds like you's could use it sometime down yer road."

I let Karuka pocket the bottle and waited patiently, wondering if she'd come up with something to keep me interested.

[Karuka]

Karuka tucked the bottle into her satchel, but she had to dig around a bit to situate it safely AWAY from the precious little nestling that was ALSO safely inside. That could be disastrous.

She looked over Amaril and recognized something about him she'd seen before. Karuka Eithne Tida O'Sheean was not altogether unfamiliar with the walking dead...

But come on, could you really run into those more than once in your life time? REALLY?

Still, he was looking at her expectantly...but she wasn't NEARLY drunk enough to go for the 'let's go get a room, big boy,' he might have been looking for. Besides...she wasn't into scales.

Well...it was a fairly quiet tavern, and if it got rowdy, she was pretty strong...so she pulled Taodoine out of the satchel, waking the poor baby up.

"You ever been anywhere interesting, Amaril?"

[Amaril Torrun]

Interesting? For a second I had to think about it. I wanted her to come up with something interesting and all she came up with was to ask if I had ever done anything interesting. Well it was also kind of interesting that she took a baby phoenix out of her satchel. Actually, it was very interesting. I had a question to answer though, so I tore my mind away from the most interesting thing I had seen that night in order to talk about stuff that once was interesting but wasn't so interesting anymore. Interesting.

"Sure have." I took another moment to think about it. "I've been all over the place. I've been all over Corone and went on a lot of adventures throughout the country. I've been in gladiator pits, giant spider nests, caves full nightmarish creatures, and a few dragon dens. I've also been to Salvar, but those stories never became official in my life since something happened to the hardrive in my brain and I lost those files. Once I got that fixed, I went to Dheathainn instead. There, I learned about Draconians and stuff and then some ghoulish guy killed me. You've probably heard of him. Seth Dahlios?"

I took a breath and relaxed in my chair. It seemed odd giving a quick synopsis of my very long life. It was even odder that I was talking to Karuka at that very moment, being dead and all. I turned to see how I was fairing in the fight with the jester, but it seemed that liquid time was freezing that scene in place. I simply sighed and returned my attention to Karuka.

[Karuka]

Apparently the likelihood of meeting two undead in the same lifetime was VERY GOOD INDEED. Karuka lifted her little fire-bird to her face, nuzzling his soft downfeathers with her nose.

"Taodoine here hatched in a ball of fire. Scared the shit out of Seth Dahlios. Wonder where he got off to..." she shrugged. "He'll find me sooner or later, I'm sure."

Well, he'd shared his life story, might as well share something of hers...but what?

"I got this guy...his egg, anyway, the same day I met Storm Veritas. That man made me so mad..." she chuckled at the memory. She'd stormed out of a room at an inn he'd tricked her into sharing with him, and then he'd chased her down for some reason. Lucky thing too, or she'd have bled out in a Fallien back alley. "Not altogether a bad man, though."

[Amaril Torrun]

I never would have guessed that Karuka actually knew Seth Dahlios, though I guess I should have since my creator did. The thought of him walking into the dirty pub wasn't the most enticing idea ever put before me. Handling Seth Dahlios wasn't exactly something I did well. The absence of more alcohol and the conversation about my murderer sobered me pretty quickly. I hardly noted very much of what Karuka told me about the Storm Veritas guy. He sounded like a person hiding in retirement anyways. All I could think of doing was to keep away from Seth, though I supposed since I was already dead, I didn't have much to worry about. It wasn't like he could use an obliterating spell that would wipe me and any memory of me from existence. Oh wait...

"So, are you hoping Seth catches up to you? Is he your pal or something?" I wasn't sure if prodding for that particular information was a bright idea. She had some tricks up her sleeve I was sure, and I didn't fancy learning that she was the friend of a powerful enemy. I guess you could say staying out of dangerous business wasn't my forte.

I started to create a dart of ice in my throat, just in case Karuka tried something on me.

[Karuka]

Karuka looked at Taodoine, but that wasn't enough to keep her from noticing how tense Amaril was getting.

Did that damn ghoul make enemies with EVERYONE on the face of the planet? Really?

"I made friends with him when I was a lass of sixteen. Nowadays he's kind of a pain in my ass. I make sure to return the favor."

She put the little bird back into her satchel to keep him safe and made sure her spear was at hand if anything should happen.

Suddenly she pointed behind him. "Quick! Is that a guy with a boomerang?"

What a lousy, obvious distraction.

[Amaril Torrun]

(( Ack! My cat pooped in my shower. ))

At Karuka's exclamation, I quickly turned around. I had a phobia of boomerangs, if I had known what a boomerang was. Sadly, in all of my adventures, I had yet to meet anyone that used a boomerang. Actually, now that I think about it, I did know someone that used a boomerang, named Banda. At the time however, I forgot. Otherwise the next part of this story couldn't happen. Therefore, I looked to see exactly what a boomerang was.

I saw a guy holding an unusual object. It was a leathery ball shaped like an oval, probably made from pigskin by the look of it. The man gripping it by the laces on top of the oddly shaped ball was dressed in armor I had never seen before. His shoulders broad and chest stout, the armor looked as though it was made from clothlike padding, with a thin shirt draped over it. The helmet he donned had metal wiring in front to guard his face. Suddenly, he leaned forward, placing the ball on the ground, leaving his hands on the pigskin ball. The position he was in was humorous indeed.

His words were even more laughable.

"Down!" A moment's silence.

"Set!" The crowd in the bar took notice.

"Huuuuuuuuut!" In a flurry of stutter steps backward, the armored man craned his arm backward and then propelled the ball directly toward me. I quickly ducked, without enough time to wonder if Karuka would be hit.

(( My cat just threw up all over me.... ))

[Karuka]

((Eww, cats. My dog at least knows to go OUTSIDE.))

Karuka shouldn't have even known what a boomerang was; in her time, Australia hadn't been discovered yet. But she CERTAINLY didn't know what a football was.

The sheer randomness and effectiveness of her distraction distracted her as well, and she watched the unusual display. When the ball spiraled in toward her, she snatched it out of the air, and when the man started rushing toward her, she threw it to some hapless drunk. Predictably enough, the bulky man nailed the drunk and a flurry of curses ensued.

Karuka used the opportunity to leave.

I think I'll not have a booze in this town again. Gotta be something in it...

[Amaril Torrun]

As the armored man collided into the drunk, they exploded in a magnificent display of fireworks. I couldn't tell you the hows or whys behind the scene, but everyone cheered nonetheless. Everyone was distracted as well. Noticing that Karuka had escaped, I decided to do so as well. It seemed that I had dealt with the clown kid after all, as he lay crumpled on the ground, unconscious and unaware of the awesomness of the night. It was a shame. It would have been a great experience for the young lad.

With the barkeep still focused on everything going on, I decided to reach over the counter to see what else the bar would be parting with that night. My hand found a sack of coins and I threw it over my shoulder, letting it hang comfortably, though it was quite heavy. I didn't bother wondering why the bar would keep so much gold within reach of its customers. I just ran out the door before anyone noticed. I guess you could say I was still a little drunk. Well, I saw a football player and drunkard combust spontaneously... I guess I was on pills too.

((Submitted for judging.

Spoils:

Amaril stole a sack with 17935 gold pieces in it. He got away with it. No one caught up to him afterward.

Amaril has gained the ability to read Karuka's inner monologues.

Amaril has gained the ability called "super extra liquid time inside of space". Basically, he can be in multiple places at once. If he gets in a fight, he can suddenly create full fledge duplicates of himself surrounding his foe. This ability is meant to be used as a power gaming tool, so its ok when I do so. This ability was learned ICly, so its allowed.

Karuka gets a bottle of whiskey. The whiskey actually has magical components that are up to her to use at will. The bottle will never run dry and the magical abilities are free to change at her whim.))

[Mutant_Lorenor]

I walked into a bar!!!

Hey guys, I'm sorry this quest took so long to judge. I had some situations pop up but that's neither here nor there. I am happy to say I had a lot of fun reading the thread. Its not often I get to judge a humorous thread of this nature, and I appreciated many of the jokes that appeared in the thread. Its nice to see people still power-posting these days. In any event, that's enough rambling from me, on to the judgment!

I'm assuming light-moderate commentary will suffice. :P

~Story~

~Continuity~4/10-You guys did a decent job here. I had a good idea of where people came from, once you guys actually explained your character's origins. It worked nicely for the thread that's why I gave you guys a 4.

~Setting~1/10-Except for a few posts here and there, setting was almost non-existence. I expect better from our vets.

~Pacing~3/10-The thread was actually a pretty fast read and you guys did a semi-decent job holding everything together.

~Character~

~Dialog~4/10-The dialog was the best part of the thread. A few of the key monologues and actual spoken verse had me cracking up. Good job here you guys.

~Action~3/10-The general story and actions were easy to follow, and I understood what you guys were -trying- to do. The thread was meant to make people laugh, and at least here you succeeded. Kudos.

~Persona~2/10-I got a lot from Amaril here, which is why you guys didn't completely botch this one. Karuka was also good, but I would have liked to see even more personal insight. Remember, this is a thread with a hook and you have only a few moments to reel in the gag-line. In the future, I would like to see you guys do a sequel thread to this one.

~Writing Style~

~Technique~3/10-I generally understood the writing style you guys chose for the thread.

~Mechanics~2/10-Amaril actually had a very funny use of literary devices with post that used the word "Interesting" over and over. I found that quite humorous.

~Clarity~3/10-All in all, Amaril had a few grammar errors due to the fast nature of the thread. However, these were not enough to terribly hurt the score of the thread.

~Wild Card~2/10-Despite the meta-gaming that was going on, and Amaril power-gaming the bartender, the thread worked. For what it was worth, I laughed at a few key points and I think Althanas needs to look at itself seriously in the eye and implement far more humor into its stories. Way too many writers attempt to write super-epic story lines. At least that's my take on it. You guys did a superb job with the humor of the thread and I understood the purpose behind it. I hope to see more projects like this taken more seriously in the future.

~Total~27/100-I know this was meant to be a "joke" thread, but in all due seriousness I expect better from our veteran players. I admire the effort to entertain that you guys put forward, but in the future please avoid the meta-gaming that was going on in the thread. Be weary of meta-gaming. I would have scored higher if not for that.

Amaril- Receives 744 Experience and 300 Gold. (For Spoil, that's the Gold that I personally approved)

Karuka- Recieves 1240 Experience and 200 Gold.

Duffy- Receives 372 Experience and 60 Gold.

~Spoils~Amaril-Due to the nature of the thread, and the nature of the Spoils. I cannot approve the spoils requested. However, when you did attempt to steal from the bar, you managed to lift considerably less than you had initially thought. And the I.R.S. of Althanas came to collect all due taxes from you. :P

On a final note, I sincerely had a lot of fun reading the thread. I'm sorry that this thread took so long to judge. I will be picking up my own pace in the future. Keep up the good work guys, I would like to see a much more "serious" humor thread from the two of you. You guys work well together.

[Zook Murnig]

EXP and GP added!