Shaking off the rust. (open battle)

[Lady Blackwell]

((Open to anyone willing to post and finish(this is a thread for em to shake the rust off aswell))

Max awoke with a start, sitting in the middle of a Arena of sorts. it was a sparse forest like terrain, tree's here and there, grass spots here and there, but yet the ground was mostly barren dead dirt. No matter where Max looked he only saw the normal sun bleached color of stone, rising up from the ground like walls in almost thirty feet in either direction, and they rose up for what seemed like forever.

Max then clued in, the last thing he remembered he was walking along a forest trail, after entering a Citadel arena, where he fell unconscious from Portal strain. He double checked his weaponry. his two swords were still sheathed, he took off his cape and threw it in a corner as well as his second sword.

He had taken what seemed like lifetimes off from battle, had settled down and became a helpful citizen of a nearby town. he gave up the dream he could be accepted into any civilized civilization, after someone informed the occupants of what he was at one point. He came to the citadel to shake off his rust and get back to peak form, as he was going to start doing what he did best, wander.

[Duffy]

Duffy peered down through the leaves of his tree at the curiously arid land, set in stark contrast to the foliage and fruit hanging from the branches that covered him. Whilst it was a Spartan smattering of life and the sun was pale and pallid above, inside his little flimsy body he felt very much buoyant with the joy of living. The Arena after all was an enigma to all but the most keen thinker, who was he to question the construction of a fighting platform born of illusion and instruction? Who was he to doubt the glory of such a magical place?

A few moments passed in the obligatory wait for his opponent, leaving him time to think up a battle plan that was a little more complex than 'wing it'. Whilst there were few places to use to his dexterous advantage, staying close to one of the trees, in fact, staying close to this tree would form a shield and trapeze frame to bounce around. He was wearing his typical bandoleer attire, in shades of green and red like the autumn forest, but had left his cloak and his Tinder Gear firmly in the safe-keeping of the Prima Vista. Today he would fight with Tooth and Nail, his iron daggers, and the somewhat unused and still keen edge of the katarhna, which was strapped to his back with red ribbon and ochre silk; tied neatly in a double bow.

He peered down at the dirt and looked left and right, bright eyed and bushy tailed and twitching with excitement as he tried to spy his sparring partner. It had been too long since the Tantalum had last fought, and too long since he had the chance to bear arms against another - he felt as if he would burst into song at any minute, like a partridge in a pear tree begging to be shot.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max cracked his neck as he surveyed the area for his opponent. After a few moments he figured he would call out for his opponent, maybe they were already here.

"Hey! if you're here lets get this underway. you clearly have the advantage right now, you know I'm here and where i am if you follow my voice, I do not know where you are or if your even here."

Max said as he flexed his right arm and continued to survey the area.

[Duffy]

"Oh that ain't no fun!" Duffy shouted from his vantage point, enjoying his upper hand with a rumpus pumping of his heart in his chest. He relented and dropped down to the ground, his boots kicking up a plume of dust and announcing his arrival in a blunt and limiting fashion. His sense of air and grace vanished, replaced instead with a deadpan reality. He saw his opponent a hundred feet away directly ahead, and leant back with one hand pressed against the dry bark and cocked his head.

"So, why should I be leavin' me tree - when I could walk right over yonder t'ya trap?" He made no false pretence of hiding either his accent or his daggers, his arms raised to pull up his vest and bandoleer so that the hilts of his blades showed from under his trousers; extra appendages to his boot knives and the sword on his back. Having them was very much different to knowing how to use them though, but he was hardly going to rattle that out in his greeting.

"I be makin' a fine suggestion - you" he pointed with his left hand, and then stood upright to bounce from toe to toe and heel to heel, "come over 'ere!" He waved the man forwards, ready and rearing to begin their conflict under the sickly sun and the gently wavering parasol of green amidst the desert of war.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max smirked as his opponent spoke.

"Well at least i now know you weren't paying attention." Max said as he walked over to the tree where he threw his cape and sword to. "and seeing as you have so many weapons let me grab one more."

he picked up his other sword and slid it into it's sheathe running vertically with his spin. he looked directly at his opponent as he heard the summer bugs hum in the heat of the overhead sun.

Max rolled his shoulders and took off at his opponent, as he was running he put his sword out to the right and held it with both hands, just before he was going to swing he lowered his left shoulder, and got ready to hit his opponent and hopefully catch him off guard.

[Duffy]

"Ha-ha!" Duffy cheered, enjoying his opponent's enthusiasm to get down to the serious business of gutting one another. In one swift movement he pushed himself away from the tree-trunk, unsheathed the daggers on his belt and twirled them around in his hands; their edges keen for blood and broil.

"Bring all you 'ave, bring every, last, drop!" He keeled his stance into the dense and heavy notation of the Vibrato form he was developing at the back of his mind, tossing the daggers into a reverse grip and holding them with a slight crouch to the front. As the crickets accentuation the rhythm of the swordsman's advancing feet, Duffy's heart added a second wave of thundering toms, each an inflexion of his growing nerves.

The sword strike came up at an angle and forced the thief to twist down in an opposing direction to attempt a catch, the wings of a butterfly stretching out and clenching the incoming blade with a clang. He smiled at the man's strength, juddered his shoulder back and rolled to the left out of retaliation's way. He leapt back as quick as his agility could carry him, and came to a low, monkey like stance ten feet to Maximillian's right; grinning through teeth like diamonds, and spinning his blades between every little hop and jump.

"Why don't you try that again, and really mean it this time!" He goaded, even as his right shoulder started to ache from the impact of his counter. Knowingly, Duffy kept up his defensive stance, hoping to drain some of his opponent's stamina by keeping both of them on their toes.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max smiled as he watched the man roll out of the way, Max slowly came to a halt and turned to face the man. The crickets and Summer bugs alike were creating the only noise in the area besides the two men. The summer heat bearing down on the two men as they exchanged looks at each other. Max couldn't help but think that if he hadn't taken off his cloak he probably would be fighting the weather more then the opponent at this time.

"Well, i don't fell like taking advice from an opponent in the heat of battle." Max said as he took his left hand of the hilt of his blade and rubbed his right shoulder as he walked towards his opponent. once he was done massaging his shoulder he took off to a sprint. the man would have to think on his toe's cause now Max planned to go all out.
once he was inside striking distance he swung his sword as hard as his arms would let him, knowing the daggers would defend against a single sword attack. he swung out with his left knee aiming to knee the man in the stomach which should open up a few holes in his defense.

Max was starting to remember his times fighting before he stopped and entered the village to try and settle down. before 'The' Man arrived and ruined the life Max had made himself.

[Duffy]

The chime of metal against metal richocheted through the sparse covering of trees and Duffy gritted his teeth against the recoil of being. Whilst he was light and nimble, and whilst the dense notes of the Vibrato stance afforded him greater protection than his clumsy form might otherwise, the sword still jarred his bones to the core. Thinking himself immune to the retort, he smiled, only to misjudge his opponent and take a knee to the hip and stumble back dazed.

"Nice," the thief mumbled, rubbing the soon to be bruised bone with a cheeky grin. He flipped his daggers around, holding them with a firm and stoic determinism, forming the Staccato stance of open legs and bouncy rhythm; "let's get this goin', you got more bark than bite, I'm waiting for the dog to roar!" He called on the Aria and plunged headfirst into another world; one that bared his gaze onto the swordsman and pushed both hands forwards. The grey ocean of his mind began to rock back and forth, and little waves rippled out from a single stone falling into it's depths. From a slight disturbance, great tsunamis flowed out, crushing any doubt in the man's mind that he was succumbing to his own insecurities. He remembered the rolling stone scene from the finale of Cut Me A Break and prepared to repeat the coup de grace.

He ran, and rolled, and stopped his momentum like a stone falling from a cliff, and brought his blades to bare in a twin-punching motion at the man's midrift; their needle points a half foot apart. The sun above caught his hair as he twisted, and for a moment, the heavens illuminated his form with a subtle sense of doing the right thing - this place was free from the normal boundaries of fate and heroism, but it couldn't hurt to give it a good proper go.

[Lady Blackwell]

((Bunnying Approved)

Max smiled as his knee had connected, but what he wasn't expecting was the man's offensive retaliation. The man had been fighting defensively the whole entire fight thus far, and while Max knew an offense was there, he didn't think he could switch to it so fast.

Max barely had time to bring his sword down to block the right blade, as the left punctured his torso, just barely missing anything major. With a grunt of pain and instinct Max swung his left fist as hard as he could at the mans face. Feeling the Impact of his fist on the man's face Max took a few steps back, and as the dagger left his wound, he covered it with his left hand. He then fell to a knee in pain as he looked up at the man and glared with almost feral brutality in his eyes, as he reached up and unclasped his sword from his back. As his hand reach the hilt he couldn't help but think "Just use Paralysis touch on the wound ease the pain and let's finish this" Then he remembered something, seeing as he was out of action for so long, his paralysis touch took a much larger toll on his body, Thus requiring more focus, something he can not do while in the heat of battle, let alone in pain.

As he drew his second sword he stood up slowly, showing the man he now meant buisness and the next few minutes would be an all out battle.

[Duffy]

Dazed and very much confused, Duffy found himself several feet away from his opponent with his buoyant ego bobbing about on the floor. "I..." he muttered, before realising one his daggers was no longer just iron. A drop of blood spattered onto his boot, like a death knell to any sense of fun and joviality that had existed in their sparring only seconds before. He watched the swordsman as he drew the second sword he had held in reserve and stood up. Duffy gave him time to do so only through a desire to see what was to come, rubbing his cheek as a distraction, to ease the throbbing pain into non-existence.

"That 'urt," he mumbled, "but I suppose this 'urt more," he nodded at Tooth, and with it's bite spent, he dropped the two daggers to the dirt and straightened his back to restore tension and rigidity to his lanky and ape like form. The Aria whispered into his ear and the finale for this Act came fully formed into the back of his mind.

"I want ta in-traduce ya to my very special freind," the thief grabbed the hilt of the Katarhna, and as he unsheathed it with a flourish of anticipation and hope his accent faded and his demeanour switched to one altogether more...adult. Lysander smiled at the swordsman, burying Duffy in a serious wave of awakening, all be it momentarily in the cavern of the grey sea of the Aria.

He ran forwards with the edge of the the blade-singer's sword held back, ready to swing in an upward spiralling cut as he drew to the correct distance. Little plumes of dust kicked up as he rushed, reciting a line from the dialogue of the Hero of the Western Weald, "Kneel before assertion, kneel before perseverance, kneel before the righteous!"


Duffy has called on the persona of Lysander Brandybuck, the Blade-singer of his play Lysander's Flock. In doing so, he has channelled his sword ability and can wield the Katarhna (Katana) at average skill for the duration of this attack. Even the most ignorant person would notice a change in his speech and personality.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max flinched as he felt a wave of pain flow all across his body as the new and improved man ran forward. Max had no idea what to do next, but he knew he was not going to kneel before anyone that had not fully proven themselves, he was too much of a stickler in pride to do that.

"I never kneel before trash!" Max said as he swung both swords at the man's sword. With both swords he may be able to stop the blade, but one alone and he was done for. Max was waiting for the clash he knew it was coming, the only thing he felt or heard was his wound screaming out, sending pain everywhere but Max wouldn't listen he had to finish this fight or die trying.

[Duffy]

Bunny approved.

Lysander roared, the rage of his mind coming into the swordsman's blades with the full force of his passion. As the swords clashed and he pushed, he felt his presence drain and Duffy re-emerged to find himself in a bit of a predicament. The skill and talent that had enabled him to wield the katana with the skill of a blade-singer dissipated, along with the persona of his inner-self, and suddenly, he felt his advance tempered and Max's desperate defence began to force the blade back to the thief's chest.

"I ain't no trash!" Duffy corrected himself mentally, with a little most of the time, feeling very much like dirt as the sun began to fade, and the scent of the sparse fruit on the trees was washed away with the peaty smell of sweaty wool and desperation. "I am..." he gritted his teeth, feeling his speed and agility fail him where brute strength and muscles would have done a much better job.

"- not giving up!" The steel blade of the katana slipped, tilting back over his left shoulder under the weight of the twin swords. The thief felt very, very exposed, and fate teetered the outcome of the battle on Max's ability to take advantage of fleeting chances, before they slipped on by.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max felt the man's strength failing and was ready for when it did, he quickly pulled his right sword away from the mans blade, and thrusted it deep into the man's chest and then twisted the hilt and pulled it out.

Max stumbled back a few paces and dropped his left sword to the ground as his hand went to the wound. and he went to one knee. the pain was near excruciating. but Max couldn't give in just yet, the battle was just about to finish.

Max stood up, hand still on his wound as he stared at the man with the feral brutality still evident.

[Duffy]

The look of shock on Duffy's face spoke a thousand more eloquent words than the bard could ever write with his own hand. Each one was excruciatingly clear to him, all of them thematically connected to a lexicon of defeat, of failure. Max had improvised altogether too well and the pain in Duffy’s chest delivered home the fact with clarity and agony, leaving a small hole in his tunic that oozed blood and spoiled his best breeches.

“Ugh,” he mumbled, stepping back and buckling to his knees. The katana clattered onto the floor and the dreams of an evening spent in revelry and celebration faded along with its keen edge and Lysander’s presence. He had to hand it to the young scamp; it had been an effective delivery of a concluding line, a cliff-hanger he hoped to be able to reply to one day, should they ever meet again. “Good…goin’, nicely…” he gave up, blood staining his teeth and trickling down his chin with a well of iron and mud taste on his tongue.

Fatigue crept in, a slow leeching of life and fun from his bones that left him queasy and ultimately, left him slowly falling backwards…backwards…crump. He flopped onto his side with his arms wide and a pen-ultimate gasp left his lips, now dry and cracked with strain. He hoped, in his dwindling consciousness, that the swordsmen felt at least some small part of his pain. The impact wound in his chest serving as a reminder to all that quick, nimble and ‘flimsy’ nearly always held a secret, like a rat backed into a corner, stained with piss and fangs gnashing violently.

All faded to black, and the Tantalum of Scara Brae exited stage left.

[Lady Blackwell]

Max smiled as the man spoke with his dieing words. a brief moment of ecstasy and overjoy filled him, only to be followed by grief despair and then all emotions faded as a wave of pain sent max to his knee's both arms wrapped around his mid drift as his wound screamed a thousand mouth-less words.

Max stood up and grunted as he slowly picked up both his blades and sheathed them and then walked over to his cape, grabbed the tail end of it. Just as he was about to look for an exit, a Portal opened up and Max walked towards it, cape being dragged along behind. The moment he entered the Portal all pain and fatigue was gone. He threw on his cloak and walked towards the front door. as he walked threw them he was shocked by the sight of a setting sun.

"Well i guess i can go celebrate in one of the Tavern's" Max said as he stepped down and walked out, wondering if he would ever meet that man again. either in combat or in a tavern somewhere.

(Closing Post)

[Nayeli]

Hello Duffy and Bandit Brother! A battle seems like a pretty good way to “shake off the rust” and get back into the swing of writing. I’ll be your judge today. :) If you have any questions or anything, feel free to contact me via PM or AIM, I’m generally around and glad to talk!

Duffy Bracken
Duffy, the request asked that I focus on Bandit Brother in terms of commentary, but there’s some stuff for you to look at too.

Continuity (4)
I’m familiar with your character from other threads, but if I wasn’t I think this thread would have been very confusing. While you referenced things like the Tantalum, the Prima Vista, and Lysander, you never really explained what these things are or where they came from. Also, why is Duffy in the Citadel at all? That never was explained, really.
Setting (4)
Not much to say here. You didn’t use the setting much, or describe it a lot, really, except right at the beginning.
Pacing (5)
This battle flowed pretty well, probably by virtue of the short posts. Sometimes your action was clearly defined, and sometimes it was really unclear exactly what was going on. I felt like you got wrapped up in the technical details of the knife-play and forgot to make sure it was really interesting, and so sometimes your posts dragged on a bit in all the wrong places.

Dialogue (6)
Your dialogue does have a lot of personality, so a good job in that respect. It’s also, however, sometimes hard to understand. You could maybe ease up on the accent just a little bit and achieve the desired effect. When it comes to accents in dialogue, a little bit goes a very long way. This definitely tied into your Persona score, and helped that out a lot.
Action (5)
Not bad, but not really great. It seemed like Duffy was treating the knife-fight like a professional soldier rather than a street-savvy rogue. I would have expected a bit more sneakiness or something, I guess. Remember that action is another way to make characterization come through.
Persona (6)
Persona is another place where you did fairly well in this thread. Duffy’s personality comes off strongly as a sort of loveable rogue, street urchin kind of guy. His emotional reactions were believable, although maybe a bit melodramatic at times. However, Lysander’s personality hardly came through, which was odd. If even the most ignorant person could notice the change in his personality, why isn’t it self-evident in your writing?

Mechanics (5)
Not as strong as you should have been. Definitely some grammatical errors and the like, to the point where it was starting to detract from the reading. No real complex structure or anything, either.
Technique (4)
You didn’t use a lot of advanced technique or anything like that, which (again) was kind of disappointing, because I know you can do that. When you did use metaphors and allusions and the like, they frequently seemed bizarre. A good metaphor makes a connection that a reader wouldn’t have thought of on their own, and lets them see things more clearly. A bad metaphor is just confusing.
Clarity (6)
Your posts are clear enough, but as I said above about your Pacing, you got lost in the technical details a few times and it was hard to follow.

Wild Card (3)
I hate to say this, Duffy, but I felt like you slacked off in this battle. I’ve seen much stronger battles from you in the past, and it just seemed like you weren’t quite giving it your all, which is disappointing.

Total Score: 48


* * *

Bandit Brother
I’m going to be focusing on your judgment, as requested in the thread submission. I think that you have a lot of room for improvement, and hopefully I can point out a few areas that you can improve in.

Continuity (5)
I had a little bit better of a feel for why Max was in the Citadel than Duffy, but not much beyond that. Your first post had a short paragraph about his reasons for coming to the Citadel, but beyond that I got nothing of his past or history or motivations. Remember to try and weave that sort of thing throughout a thread if you can, although it is sometimes difficult.
Setting (4)
Again, in the first post or two you talked about the setting, but not a lot beyond that. Just simple stuff scattered about a thread can really make an arena, even a simple one, come to life. For instance, you mention briefly something about the sound of the crickets in your seventh post, which was good! Setting isn’t just visual stuff, it’s all five senses. Also, having your character interact with the setting is an important tool, to make him seem to be an active participant in a living background, rather than simply fighting in a blank room, or across a two dimensional canvas.
Pacing (5)
Let me say this first off: short posts are not bad. It’s good to be concise, especially in a battle-type thread. That said, some of your posts just weren’t sufficient or flew far too quickly. This is good for action, but I think it made other aspects of your score suffer, as I really didn’t get as much of an idea for his personality and past as I would have liked. On the other hand, some of your posts were of good length, but seemed to drag on and make little sense (see the Clarity score below).

Dialogue (4)
Your dialogue was fairly bland, and even cliché at times. I didn’t get a good idea for Max’s personality through it at all, which is unfortunate because dialogue is such a powerful tool for characterization. It’s difficult to describe what makes good dialogue and what doesn’t, but try listening in your head for whether a line seems like something someone would believably say in the heat of battle or not. Dialogue also includes interior dialogue and thoughts, which I didn’t see a lot of (if any) in your posts)
Action (4)
Max fought believably enough for a warrior, and I don’t have any particular complains, but as with the dialogue, it sometimes seemed bland or dry.
Persona (3)
There was scarcely any persona evident in your posts. Exactly what Max was like as a person, I really couldn’t say, other than that he could wield a sword. He didn’t seem to have emotional reactions to much of anything, and when he did, they almost didn’t make sense. He thinks of Duffy as trash, but why? Was it because of his lower class accent? His knife-fighting style? Why? And yet, despite expressing disdain for Duffy, at the end of the thread he wonders whether he’ll meet him again. Well…why? Was he impressed, confused...I don’t know, honestly, and your posts don’t tell me anymore.

Mechanics (3)
This is your primary field that I think you need to focus on right now. There are abundant spelling and grammar mistakes in your posts, particularly grammar. A lot of the mistakes you’re making are very basic ones, and I’m not even sure that I feel comfortable going over all of them in detail. If you’d like to IM me or something we can talk about it, but I’d recommend looking at a site about grammar or taking out a book on the subject. Your capitalization, for instance, is really random. The same goes for apostrophes and punctuation. There are very specific rules about the times and places when you use capital letters and apostrophes, learn them. Before you focus on anything else about your writing, you have to master this. It detracts hugely from your posts when you persistently make that sort of error, and it is very distracting for the reader.
Technique (3)
Before you can have advanced technique, you have to have a mastery of the basics. I really didn’t see a lot (if any) of special literary devices. Inserting a metaphor or the like here or there can do wonders for drawing a reader in and making them interested in your story and character.
Clarity (4)
Your posts were generally clear…but not always. Especially around the ninth post I started to get confused as to exactly what was happening and why. In an action-filled battle-type thread especially it’s vital that you don’t force the reader to stop and scratch their head thinking “huh?”

Wild Card (5): I think that you have room for improvement, but also a lot of potential, and I definitely don’t want you to be discouraged due to a low score. I would especially recommend that you look at advice about basic grammar and mechanics, as I think that especially would make you a much stronger writer. Once you’ve mastered basic construction, it’s time to look at more advanced literary techniques.

Total Score: 40


Duffy Bracken is the winner!
Duffy Bracken gains: 1000 experience, and 75 gold!
Bandit Brother gains: 250 experience, and 65 gold!

[Zook Murnig]

EXP and GP added!