Case Subject: Kyla Orlougne Workshop Judgement [Archive]

Revenant

05-04-10, 05:31 PM

Alright, alright, you crotchety bastard.

Ok, I have to start off by saying that I am a big fan of the original SAW. I liked the dark, psychological aspect of the plot and the idea that Jigsaw’s ‘games’ were devised to ‘help’ his victims. That said, with each following movie my enthusiasm for the series has gone down as the films became less about appreciating life and more about gore. That was my mindset when I started reading this.

Please note that while I try to structure my observations, I also tend to just throw in stream-of-consciousness blurbs as they come to me. Also, these are obviously just my opinion on the matter and I am fully aware that you were not writing this specifically for me and that not everyone thinks as I do.

So take what I say with as many grains of salt as you want.

Trap Master –#1

General setup of who the Trap Master is and who he is going to test. I found that, though you tell me who John Shelby is, I don’t know him. While you don’t need to recite your character’s history, give some hints that he is a person with a personality and not merely a catalyst for Kyla’s story. From the description on your profile I see that he is a large, muscular man, but he is also an older man. Carrying a 155lb body for over half an hour would tire a normal person out. Maybe add something to the effect of ‘by the time he got the Citadel he was breathing heavily. “Not as young as I once was,” he thought wiping the beaded sweat from his brow’. Something as simple as that makes him more of a human character and less of a story element.

As for the trap setup, John walks in with a body, fiddles around, and then heads out to enjoy the show. It all seems very rote, with no spark of life. I take it that you didn’t want to give away each room’s test before Kyla reached them, but a little foreshadowing right here would go a long way to setting the right mood. A slight sizzle of the coals or jingling of the chains makes the reader wonder just what he has setup and is much better than just saying he walked through the three rooms and closed the doors behind him.

Amber Eyes – #2

The following line “Kyla had become the little girl in the statue in the room she was staying in” really broke me out of my reading flow. First, there were too many uses of the word ‘in’ used in rapid succession, which made me have to read the line again to make sure I understood it correctly. Further, you go right from your father’s missing face to this with no transition, another thing that threw me off. Also, what little girl and what statue? Where is she staying? At only the second line in your post I am left confused. This disjointed feeling continues through the first half of your post, but fortunately resolves itself by the second half.

The start of your dream paragraph seems like you just seem to be narrating events to me in very general descriptions. You mention your father’s face but don’t describe anything about it and then you reach up to touch it but it not being there. Why is it not there? Was it there and then vanished or were you just reflexively reaching out for comfort? You mention that the room is large and that you are small but I don’t have any comparison to base that off. Something like ‘She felt like a mouse in a grand cathedral’ gives me a phrase of reference that I can understand and helps me relate a little more to what she is thinking and feeling.

Finally your last paragraph seems odd to me. She wakes up groggy in a strange place with strange smells and an odd taste in her mouth. Good so far, but I want more. What does she feel? Cold steel. What does she hear? Absolute silence. What does she see? Utter blackness. She is waking up from a drugged sleep to find herself somewhere strange, play up the alien, paranoid element of the scene.

Also, she seems to be taking this rather well. “I woke up groggy, there was a weird taste in my mouth, a weird smell and I wasn’t sure where I was and I couldn’t move.” Perhaps Kyla is just an extremely Zen person, but I think a normal person would be too freaked out to just patiently wait to see that is going to happen next.

She’s paralyzed and can’t move so how do you show this? Tell me what she is thinking. Describe how she panics for a few seconds, desperately trying to move her arms and legs, wiggle her finger, tell me how she fights to do anything. Then, once she has gone through that initial animal panic, let her rational mind take over and settle her down to wait. Use it to build the tension of the scene.

After thinking about it a little more, perhaps the reason she is so docile is that she is still hazy from the drugs. If that is the reason, then explain that to the reader. Otherwise I’m just left with the impression that Kyla is just really, really calm and collected.

Trap Master - #3

Your “Before” section could have easily gone at the end of the first post. By this point Kyla has already woken but you still aren’t describing the trap, just shadowy hints of it. Put here, the words just feel like filler. Aside from that, I would have enjoyed a little more description. How was he testing the chain links? What is the ring made of and what does it feel like? “He moved a ring from his pocked an placed it around the chain, setting it with a gentle click.” Emphasize his tenderness as he sets these things up, contrasting the brutality of what he is doing with the purity of his intent.

I liked your setup in the “Now” portion. It gave me a feel for the man and his intentions. He doesn’t lounge in a well-furbished apartment building, watching his victims struggle for his amusement while he dines sumptuously. No, he eats plain, simple food in a plain, simple house while he observes his subjects with pity. This isn’t a sport to him, it’s an unwanted burden that he must stoically carry. John is deranged and evil, but at the same time utterly human.

What I didn’t like was how the Citadel caveat was just thrown in there. It was abrupt with no lead in and broke the connection I was starting to feel with Shelby. And your last line, “Class is in session” is something that would be said by someone who is looking forward to the pain this poor girl is about to go through and doesn’t seem right for the joyless, burdened nature you had been building for the character.

Amber Eyes - #4

Good descriptions here. Good use of her thoughts and feelings to start getting me into her worked up mindset. We finally start to see a little bit of the panic that she is going through. Don’t be afraid to take some time and do a more in-depth examination of her thoughts and feelings. She’s a character in a horror story, make her seem horrified.

Work on being more active in your writing.
“As she began to rouse fully,” – “As she fully roused,”
“As she brought her hands up to her mouth” – “She brought her hands up to her mouth”

Trap Master - #5

Finally the first test. Simple setup, good description. Nothing to see here, move along please.

I had to reread your description of the black tile and the pulling of the chain to understand that the tile was actually retracting the chain. And you can also benefit from using more active phrasing here: “The chain was pulling Kyla’s appendage” – “The chain pulled on Kyla’s appendage”, “John watched as Kyla began to make her decision” – “John watched, waiting for Kyla to make her decision”

I would like to have seen more development of John’s conflict between his righteous need to make Kyla learn a lesson and his yearning for her to make it through.

Amber Eyes - #6

With the trap explained we can finally get some interaction from Kyla. I liked her internal indignation. Guilt can be a very powerful emotion but also a very personal one. I liked that she lashed out the judgment that John was placing upon her but would have liked a little more exploration into the anger. Why was she so angry? Was it just because someone had done this to her, or was it because someone finally forced to her examine her own feelings about her guilt instead of just trying to wipe the slate clean. Was her anger towards John a mirror of her anger at herself? Take some time to examine why your characters react the way they do and it will give an entirely new layer of depth to them.

Kyla seemed a little blasé about the whole affair, ‘rip out my tongue or die? “ok,” she said and went along with it.’ Show a little bit of struggle. After all, in the SAW movies the first half of the trapped people’s allotted time is always spent in a blind, raging panic.

I personally liked her initial emotional indignant refusal to play the ‘game’ that slowly transformed to a rational realization of the situation. I liked your use of description to show how difficult an act it was for Kyla, that really is the only way to convey the spine-tingling aspect of it. And good use of giving the reader a glimpse into the source of her inspiration and driving motivations, it makes her more relatable.

Trap Master - #7

Good intro! It shows a glimpse of the real, depraved monster hiding behind the façade of a man who “just wants to help.” It tells us who John really is and who he thinks he is and has the added benefit of giving John something to do aside from just watch his mirror and nodding his head.

On that subject, I can see having to keep the plot moving forward with John being one of the hardest things that you are going to have to do with this character as he could easily devolve to just recapping the previous post. Perhaps if you were to give him some way to interact with his victims or have him to be able to actively work the traps instead of having everything setup and automated from the beginning. This in another element where foreshadowing can help, “ah I see you got through this one, well the next one won’t be quite so simple.”

Amber Eyes - #8

Here Kyla realizes that people don’t need to physically be present to help her. Give the reader a little insight into what this does to her state of mind. Does it fill her with a warm sense of belonging? Does it make her want to be more self sufficient? Again, take some time to flesh out Kyla’s character. Turn her from an idea into a person.

Trap Master - #9

An interesting trap, and one that makes my spine shiver but, maybe it is because this trap is more elaborate than the first, I had to re-read the description to make sure I understood it correctly. My biggest issue is the overt use of the threat of starvation and dehydration. Just say “if you don’t do it soon, the door will permanently seal shut,” and let the character come to the horrible realization of what this means.

More reactive writing in the second half. The line “It seemed that Kyla Orlouge was doing nothing but impressing John through her actions,” made me frown as he had been frustrated enough with her in your previous post to throw his dinner across the room. “Her witty, outside thinking had restored her in John’s eyes, erasing all of his earlier anger with her and leaving him completely impressed.”

The more I think about it, the more I get the feeling of this story being like Masterpiece Theater where you’ll be watching what’s going on and then it will cut back to a guy in a comfy chair (John) who talks to us about what is going on. Your final line, “I guess I’ll just have to wait and see…” really just seals this impression for me.

Amber Eyes - #10

The thought of even touching my eye causes them to tear up, and I appreciate that you took time to go through some of this reaction with Kyla. It’s a creepy thought and should have a creepy feel to it. Her random thoughts about her appearance and her self-scolding for it give me a sense that she is starting to go a little hysterical. Finally, her inability to go through with the act of sticking a needle in her eye on the first try felt more realistic to me and gave me a better sense of what she was going through. In this post, Kyla is starting to feel more like a human and less like a machine.

Trap Master - #11

Your first paragraph strikes me as a huge contradiction. As shown in the next couple of paragraphs John is a student of human action and has learned how people tend to think and react through painstaking observation. He understands the difficulty of the test that he is now putting Kyla through, in fact he himself believes that this is the hardest thing she will have to do. And despite that he still jumps right to anger and the conclusion that she is giving up because she has to try more than once to STICK A NEEDLE IN HER EYE. Perhaps this is another sign of how mentally turbulent he is under his calm, analytical surface, but if so it needs a little more follow-through.

I had a bit of a laugh when I read John’s rote observations, it reminded me a bit of Kevin Spacey’s character in Se7en and how calmly he describes the most random side observations in detail.

Amber Eyes - #12

Let me know what else Kyla is doing while she is sticking a needle in her eye. Use her reactions to make the event more real. Does she scream while she does it? Does she grit her teeth or double over in pain? Does she hyperventilate to help calm her shaking hands?

This should feel like a raw, traumatic experience for the reader as much as for Kyla. While there is no need to go over the top with description, just the right amount can pull the reader in to share the experience. Just thinking about it makes my hands tingle and gets my heart racing. It can be a tough trying to balance too much description with not enough description, but you’re on the right track here.

Trap Master - #13

Again I see some conflict between the “John doesn’t enjoy what he has to do,” and the “John was excited that she was doing it.” Since this part of the post is a reaction to what Kyla just did, lay out his reaction in more intricate detail. If he really is doing this because he feels it is what he has to do, make him feel more empathic with the victim. Have him grit his teeth, dig his fingernails into the palms of his hands, feel cold sweat running down his back, and whisper barely audible encouragements. If, on the other hand, you want him to enjoy what he is doing, give him a rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, and a rising flush to his skin.

“The monks could heal the physical injuries, and her ‘father’ could suppress the mental ones. She would be okay and live with herself again. All of his victims typically did.”

This part didn’t sit right with me. If feels as if you are saying that, after this entire ordeal is finished, John just expects everything to go back to normal. He should expect his victims to learn and grow, embracing the lessons that he taught them rather than just “magic”-ing them away.

Amber Eyes - #14

By this point, I would imagine that Kyla is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. She should be in an overwhelming amount of pain with even more just waiting for her across the threshold. She stumbles from the other room, half-blind and woozy from blood loss, only to find another trap room and a note waiting for her.
Yet this all seems like just a footnote as she calmly takes stock of everything.

“Cut tongue, check. Burning eyeballs, check.. Another trap, check.”

I do appreciate her taking the decision for her life into her own hands at the end. That is a human response it shows her mental state, that she finally sees her own death to be an actual, very real thing. In my mind this shows her inner strength and determination far more than her ability to calmly taking everything in.

Of note, the phrase, “As Kyla walked towards the podium for the note she now knew would be waiting, she could see into the containers” seems awkward. You mentioned other structures in the room with the podium but not that they are containers, you are using passive wording again, and your blurb about the ‘note she now knew would be waiting’ drags the sentence on without adding anything.

Trap Master - #15

Final Chapter –

I like the idea of this test although having four stacks of burning coals when only one is needed just seems silly. If she only needs to push on one, only put one in the room. Also, having John predict her every move perfectly down to her reading speed and having the trap auto set seems like a stretch.

Also, I love how John thinks that charring her hands to the bone ‘only seemed fair’ and that it’s a favor to give such and easy task to her. Hah!

Again with the odd mixture of resignation over what he had to do and stirring pride in his actions that gives a dichotomous sense to the character.

Amber Eyes - #16

Final Chapter –

This is a really strong finish and probably my favorite post that you made in this story. It plainly lays out Kyla’s mental state, what she’s feeling and her all-too-human reaction. Your use of capitalization and broken fragments really work well to enforce the intensity of the moment. “For the longest 5 seconds of her life, Kyla felt her hands burning.” Simple and effective, though I would spell out five as I feel using numbers breaks up the flow of the writing. Good use of modest description when she pulled her hands from the coals left me as a reader feeling her relief that it was over. And then you finished with a strong last paragraph. Good job.

Trap Master - #17

Epilogue -

Nothing much to say here. Interesting use of your NPC detectives to further your own metaplot. Leaves me wondering what happens next and how Sei is going to react to the whole scenario.

Amber Eyes - #18

Epilogue –

Following your last post I was really disappointed in your follow up. Kyla had just been through an incredibly traumatizing experience and yet she just brushes it aside because she got some healing. It felt as if the entire thread was just voided and would have no lasting impact. There was no emotion other than “I’m healed? Super” coming from Kyla. She dozes easily while she waits, no nightmares or flashbacks. No wondering who did this or why? Just, “k thx bai”.

Final Thoughts:

As critical as I may have sounded, I really enjoyed the thread. I thought the trials were interesting and that Kyla’s actions were realistic if not as in depth they could have been.

The biggest problem I can see is with the character of the Trap Master. I think you need to find a way to add more active involvement from John Shelby. It seems like you can’t decide if this is something he sees as a burden or if he enjoys it and you tended to flip-flop between the two. You laid down some hints of delusion and underlying issues which need to be explored if you want to make the character more than a one trick pony. I find it an interesting idea that the Trap Master would leave specially tailored “prizes” for people who complete his tests. It adds a little unique flair to his persona.