The Glory Workshop

[Duffy]

The Trap Master and Mutant Lorenor have requested a Workshop judgement for this thread. Please offer your advice and comments, but keep in mind the workshop guidelines. The discussion will remain open for two weeks, until May 15th PM, and this will be followed by a brief commentary and judgement and commentator rewards. Please give it your best, and be civil!

The Glory (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?p=163783#post163783)

[Enigmatic Immortal]

The compliment sandwich! (PLEASE REMEMBER GUYS THAT THIS IS ALL BASED ON OPINIONS!)

This thread was an enjoyable read for me. I was amused by the different ways Lorenor was placed into tests to show his character. What I found most intriguing in this style of threads is that it FORCES the victim to do some real soul searching and grow as a character. It's so easy to lose the point in a thread like this and have it just be a bad horror picture show for the reader's mental masturbation.

However, I couldn't stop myself from imagining the little Saw doll. I know where your influence comes from, and it really reeked of it in this thread. For you Trap Master this is going to be the single BIGGEST obstacle you will face when writing with this character.

My suggestion for that is to just start picking character quirks that make who the Trap Master is shine. I don't want to read a Saw fanfiction, I want to read a Trap Master masterpiece. So show the reader what makes Trap Master way better than every saw that came out past the first. (Cause they really need to stop...)

I know this is a broken record on this site, but in all honesty it does need to be repeated, as you guys are higher levels. (This includes me, by the way)

PROOF READ

I know it's a pain in the ass, and no matter how many times you read it you always end up missing something so silly. It's such a waste to see a score go so well, and then lose a couple points because you forgot a period or spelled the wrong too or to or two. Or miss that comma, cause that's a bitch.


Lorenor, in post 7 you really went a bit over board with the holy. It was a little childish to me, and that's an OPINION. I understand the dramatic feel you were going for, showing how this was extreme pain for the mutant, but it seems lost when you see the size grow six or so times.

I also think things like stating the obvious (OOC: My conclusion post) is really unnecessary. Those OOC comments can either be hidden in PM's, or deleted after they have been seen. It's also was made redundant when you wrote FIN at the bottom of your post. In short you told the reader, HEY IT'S THE END KIDS!, and then at the end of the post you confirmed it was the end.


Again guys, overall a fun read, and I hope you understand my words as Opinions. I don't mean to offend you guys in anyway. Keep it up, and look forward to see how this judgment goes.

[Visla Eraclaire]

So, I'm going to go through this with a fine toothed comb, since it's short enough and I feel like the whole point of the Writing Workshop is to get the kind of detail and commentary (without the need for sometimes arbitrary numbers) from other members that judges, with a pile of threads in front of them, don't have time to do. Also, I am desperately trying to avoid my Virginia Civil Procedure notes. With that said:

Post #1 ~ Lorenor

The first part here reads like the stuffy voice-over at the beginning of a fantasy movie or video game, describing in grand terms various events, but ending up feeling lackluster because we're told everything and shown nothing. Why did I need a summary of the Salvar civil war? It's part of your character history, but there's not reason enough. The bolded names added to the hokey feeling and the mood really seemed to jump when you actually got going. I also agree with the above reviewer that your OOC comments need to be spoiler-tagged at the very least, but are best kept to PMs.

Word choice: As mentioned above, I think some of your word choice is overly dramatic. If you lay it on heavy, you're going to hurt yourself when something genuinely meaningful happens. Additionally, a few phrases seemed to be wrong like “philosophical opine.” Opine is a verb; the noun is opinion. This may have been an attempt at a flourish but when you misstep on those it just ends up being embarrassing. Additionally, “free-game” may be a regional idiom that I'm unaware of but I suspect you meant “fair game.” “Sanctuary-environment” was an awkward phrase as well. Also, your undead breakaways are called The Forsaken? C'mon.

Technical nitpicking: The use of sentence fragments for emphasis is sometimes docked by the more pedantic judges. I don't think it's a huge deal, but since you can accomplish the same effect while being grammatically correct by the use of a comma, I think that's the best route. What I'm talking about are the fragments like “Like vampires.” and “Gold on hand.”

Post #2 ~ Trap Master

You're in a tough position given the rules of Althanas. You aren't there. You aren't taking actions. You're just describing the setting. I think at the beginning you show a decent way this can be done and I got the definition impression of a tabletop Dungeon Master from your post. At the same time, when all you have is setting your descriptions could be a little less sterile.

The “see the light” “shed a little light” puns were a little trite, but they seem almost unavoidable for your character. I guess I can't blame you there. I'll throw this out right now; I've never seen Saw or any of its too-numerous progeny. Even at that, I get the distinct feeling of it. Differentiation is going to be a big deal, as the above poster mentioned. In a world of magic I think you may want to give your guy a more fantastical edge rather than a mechanical one to create at least one difference, but that's just a suggestion.

Post #3 ~ Lorenor

Fragments continue. See, you can make short sentences that are not fragments!

You make some attempts to show Lorenor as vulnerable, but you've hyped him up so much before that it doesn't come off entirely credible. The emphasis is cheesy at times (see e.g. “do or die” “both his arms. Not just one.”) Word choices is erratic at times and repetitive at others. For an example of the former, the description of a pillar of light as “substance” could be a fine bit of imagery but not without accompaniment; light is not generally a substance. For the latter, the word hand-writing (which doesn't have a hyphen) is repeated thrice right at the beginning. Script, scrawl, words, lettering, and many other words could have been used. Repetition can be a device, but it wasn't employed as such here.

You once again present something in bold type which acts more as a distraction than anything else. I don't know what the Aegis Bracer does. It doesn't seem relevant at all to the reader, and seems more like something you are mentioning to remind yourself.

Italics are usually thoughts for you, or so I gathered, but at the end you refer to yourself in the third-person during them. I dunno what's up with that.

Post #4 ~ Trap Master

The explanation of how you pulled this off was welcome, because I was wondering that, but it still felt a little clinical. A full flashback or something might have been nice rather than a dry re-telling. Like I said, you're in a corner with this character and you need to use every element you have to your fullest advantage.

I didn't fully grasp the second trap here. I get the magical holy writings hurting Lorenor, but why is the floor sinking? Is it only if he manages to stay standing upright? If he falls over is his weight not concentrated enough to make the boards sink? This seems like more of a step DOWN from the last room than an escalation: choosing to burn off your arms vs withstanding pain standing up.

Post #5 ~ Lorenor

Fragments abound.

I've never been fond of calling out muscles by name. Lots of people don't know them and those who do generally aren't impressed by it. The last room had his “bane” and now it has his “truest bane.” I dunno, I feel like you could have played with that, but as it was executed it felt silly.

Let me say this. I know this isn't your fault and that you're stuck with it, but the name MetalDrago used in a dramatic context, with its capitalization and lack of spacing, just drags me right out of the story. It's a username. It reeks of the internet.

Still, I thought this post was your best one so far. Turning to friends and even his dark faith makes Lorenor easier to identify with than he usually is as a monster.

You didn't really explain the trap either, though I can't blame you. I couldn't figure it out, and I guess we just move right along.

Post #6 ~ Trap Master

Well, I wrote these comments sequentially, and it seems you really did end up being a bit more mystical at things went on. Unfortunately, I think the restraints in the third room were a little hard to believe. It seemed like he'd need to be in JUST the right spot, and I can think of a lot of interesting ways to get him there, but it seems you just kind of left that out.

You also break here with the future tense telling you had done earlier. I think that works, but you should have decided on one or the other from the beginning.

This most recent sort of command statements “FIGHT THE POWER, LABEL YOURSELF” is not nearly as good, if the others can be called that, as your previous ones. It seems to be getting a little more strained at this point.

The one thing I'm going to give you a lot of credit for is going through Lorenor's absolutely staggering and labyrinthine history to pull this stuff out. Kudos to you, man. I sure couldn't do it.

Post #7 ~ Lorenor

Fragmentation persists.

Not that it's your job, but you had an opportunity to fill in the blank that your partner left as to why you were in position for the restraints, or at least express surprise at them. I dunno.

The bolding of names returns. You use the word “bane” again. I really do feel like that could have been set up in a poetic fashion, but the re-use this way just seems lazy.

By this point I'm realizing why things are not generally gone through post-by-post, but I'm prepared to soldier on for the remainder. A lot of this is just the same problems. Why is Silver capitalized? Why do you refer to it with the hyphenated cold-Silver at one point? Is that supposed to evoke cold-iron?

At first I wanted to compliment what you were thinking about, but your partner said you had to focus on the cross, so I'm not sure that was appropriate. It comes back in at the end, but it felt a little off.

Post #8 ~ Trap Master

Fresh baked bread doesn't seem to me to be something Lorenor would enjoy much. Maybe this choice should have been reconsidered. You did so much research on him, this slip-up seemed really strange.

The last trap seemed lame at first, but as I finished reading the setup I was genuinely intrigued. I have to compliment you on that.

Post #9 ~ Lorenor

“Super-endurance” was a goofy term, so was “Atma (Soul).”

Your resolution here was really mysterious, but it was such a letdown. I realize it must be rough following the Trap Master's plan the whole time. Still, to jump off the rials at the very end just seems like the whole thing was almost pointless.

Post #10 ~ Trap Master

The ending with the investigator epilogue was interesting, but I never got the satisfaction I wanted from the word puzzle. Three names were options? I'd think it through, but I'm tired and I really wanted to be given the answer.

I liked the personal connection and insight. I really think this guy as potential, though he can't have deep connections to everyone, so it's going to be hard to keep that kind of pathos up.


Conclusion

It was an interesting read. I had wondered how Trap Master would execute his character concept and I think this proves it's a viable one. He needs to refine it a bit, but it has real potential.

Lorenor, man, we've known eachother a long time. I, and dozens of other people, have made similar criticisms of your writing for most of that time. I'm not gonna re-hash it all. This bit wasn't half bad. If it were a newer player I'd probably even be impressed, but you've been at it for a while and I'd like to say I expect more polish. I don't actually. I expect you to overlook things, and that's really the shame. I'm not trying to be cruel, just honest.

[Duffy]

Thank you for your comments everyone, this workshop is now closed. Judgement based on commentary will be delivered shortly.

[Duffy]

The Trap Master

Story (19/30)

Character (14/30)

Writing (14/30)

Wildcard (8/10)

Total: 55/60

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Mutant Lorenor

Story (15/30)

Character (13/30)

Writing (12/30)

Wilcard (7/10)

Total: 47/100

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The Trap Master wins, gaining 2,500 experience and 250 gold!

Mutant Lorenor gains 750 experience and 25 gold!


Enigmatic Immortal Receives 50 experience and 50 gold.

Visla Eraclaire, as the top contributor receives 250 experience and 150 gold.

Thank you all!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added for battle and Contributors