Enigmatic Immortal and Revenant have requested a workshop judgement. Please offer any advice and comments you have, but remember the workshop guidelines in doing so. The thread and ensuing discussion will remain open for two weeks, following which there will be a light commentary and judgement and contributor rewards.
Dancing With Laughter (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=20872)
I’d like to say first and foremost that the animosity here created a perfect, perfect atmosphere of hatred and blood lust. This works oddly with the faerie dust, unicorn crap, dancing bears, and what I will assume is a dwarf in a red dress. Its a my little pony dream land, and you guys want to stain it in blood. I love that, seriously, that is just wonderful. I kind wished you guys had ridden/butchered the unicorns, but that might have been too much either way. Well done!
Its an inhuman rampage among a sea of gum drops, rainbows, fairies, and man on man action. This is so bizarre, and so welcome. Also, I was playing unfittingly epic music while reading this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFPVWv7X0c4&feature=related Needless to say, I am pleased with the experience.
Revenant
Now I’ll use description and detail in the same way a murderer uses a shovel, but Revenant, you pulled out the steam roller and did not let up on the gas in your opening lines. Some of those sentences were so packed that they came out awkward. There’s an old saying I found on wikipedia called “show, don’t tell” And while applying it can be a bit hard, an exposition can be done better with a survey of their circumstances rather than stating facts flat out.
A helpful suggestion would be to spend a bit more time outside the characters head, and focus on his body. While stating that William is angry, sad or seething, and so on work, how about what he is doing while he feels these things. Does he cross his arms when he has heard enough, or ball his fists and unconsciously threaten others? As you go, you get better at doing this, which leads me to think that you want to establish his character instantly and then move on. Thing is, the reader does not need to know the characters as you do. I have always felt that we need to pick it up as we go with minor hints here and there.
For example your man has been reading various tombs for several days… and? What’s his area look like? Are their books strewn all over the place? Has he left the half eaten meals of lunch and dinner right next to his book of forsaken souls? There are signs for everything, you don’t need to be Moriarty to plant eye catching evidence for Holmes.
Rev, speech wise, I can’t complain about how you handle these characters. You show a good bit of Jenny’s personality here. “…the patronizing tone of a father explaining something to his child…” That’s an excellent description, which kind of hints at a disdain for the rules/authority in context. Further talking gives him an abrasive personality, and I think that’s best to show in interactions with others, which you have done nicely.
William’s resistance to his demonic urges are clearly his defining feature. Its been cemented, confirmed, transformed into a horse, saddled, ridden, and finally beaten to death. When he gets on with it and gives in to the devil, then he gets a lot more interesting. I'd like to suggest alternating horses, more than simply the jerkass in front of him, and the demon within, or spend more time focusing on the jerkass, he seems like the type which would demand a lot of attention.
OY! YOU! The other guy!
Pacing is a mild problem, not in the situation overall, but in the more violent or fast moments. I’d suggest words with more aggressive connotations, or shortening lines that are expressly about actions to concise statements. Short of bullet time, there is not much room to analyze things when you are trying to hurt someone badly.
Using vertical, and horizontal as description are better suited to lines, and architecture, rather than people or actions. While using “caeiporia” and describing its non-linear motions is tough, it might be best to stick with dancing terms, rather than Text Book Kung Fu. TBKF doesn’t translate well without a diagram, supporting details, and a little picture in the corner with arrows. My best suggestion would be to go play Tekken as Eddy Guardo and try to describe some of his motions in plain English. Also, Devil Jin, because he is awesome. :D
As far as speech, I did not see as much from you. What I did see were a wide variety of insults, derisive language, verbal cruelty, and all around unpleasantness. Well done, you’ve conveyed quite a bit with just a few words. Likewise, when you get down to emotions you tend to be brief on thoughts, and go straight for what he’s actually feeling beyond his mind. Physical reactions are just as, if not more, important than than mental ones. Unless you want to wax philosophic in the back of your head while lying through your teeth.
Jensen’s not your average protagonist, and thus he might not be to everyone’s liking, luckily that is not the problem here!
Both
“It didn’t take long before a quarter turn in allowed the immortal a chance to dive in low under the Revenant’s feet while holding his hand and pull up, effectively flipping the man over and onto the ground.”
Not the clearest sentence and left me wondering what it was I had just read. Going over it, I can picture it, but it comes off as a weird action, because the sentence was a out of the left field, when did Jensen grab his hand? Then there is the odd little thing of William hardly noting it, or the approved bunny kick and bunny roll William had to deal with in Jensen‘s post.
While bunnying was approved, I feel you guys overused it, or could have done it better further down the line.
In the end, awesome read, and a fantastic ending.
Time's up!
Judgement forthcoming. Thanks for your input Knave!
Revenant
Story - 18/30
Character - 17/30
Writing - 18/30
Wild Card - 7
Total: 60/100
---
Enigmatic Immortal
Story - 17/30
Character - 18/30
Writing - 16/30
Wild Card - 5/10
Total: 57/100
Revenants wins, gaining 1313xp and 150 gold.
Enigmatic Immortal gains 375xp and 25 gold.
knaveofspades as the best (and only) contributor receives 50 xp and 75 gold.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.