The Duel of Hearts (Closed)

[Enigmatic Immortal]

(( Closed to those who know they should be in here...))

“YOU SHOT ME!” Jensen shouted in a blind rage as he looked up at Stephanie, who ate her piece of toast and smacked her lips ignoring the immortal. He was laying in bed with an earth splitting headache, a headache caused by the woman who shared his room with him. The night before had been one of the most amazing evenings ever. He sang, he danced, he wooed a lady he had fallen in love with and served a midget on the dance floor with karaoke.

Then Stephanie lifted up a gunblade and shot Jensen point blank in the face.

As was usual for the immortal, he awoke his eyes the next day and groaned as the pains of coming back from death hurt him like it happened all over again. He attempted to sit upright quickly, but blood rushed his head as a wave of vertigo nearly caused him to throw up. He added being shot in the face to the list of deaths that hurt like a bitch.

“You really have balls of steal,” Stephanie murmured, her head turning sideways. “Hitting on our lord’s daughter. You don’t think that wouldn’t have repercussions?” she asked honestly. She let out a short laugh of fake mirth. “I’m merely the vessel to exact his whims.”

Jensen stretched his fingers and stole a piece of her toast as she stood and turned look at her comrade in arms. She was dressed in only a large t shirt, still in her nightgown as her long pale legs crossed one over the other as she sat on the edge of his bed. Both were members of the highly secretive order of the Knight’s of Apocalypse and they grew up fighting and training together. As far as friends go she was the only one Jensen could tolerate the presence of for than five minutes.

“So in short you’re a lap dog,” Jensen muttered as crumbs flew out his mouth as he reached for her orange juice. She swatted his hand and lifted the drink up, flashing her teeth to him as she sipped the beverage and smiled.

“Last I checked, so did you. Still can’t explain how he keeps you around.”

“To torment me,” Jensen huffed. “So you wanna ask about my night!” Jensen whispered excitedly like a school girl. Stephanie shook her head.

“You tried to have sex with our lord’s daughter. Aside from that bit of knowledge what changed from your normal routine?” She shrugged in differently as Jensen just shook his head and looked around the cave walls.

“We really need to spruce this place up,” he muttered. “Anyway, I’m going to go have breakfast with Kyla. See ya around.”

“Did you not learn anything from last night? Sei doesn’t want you talking to his daughter’s!” Jensen stopped and looked at Stephanie. She gave him a warning look and he observed how cute the girl really was for the first time.

“Why do you think I’m going to pursue this?” Jensen scoffed to her as he turned lifting a hand and waving her away lazily. “You know nothing about love, Stephanie.” he mused as she just flipped him the bird and went back to her breakfast.

[Sapphire Eyes]

Jaxx stood outside of the tomb, unsure of what he would say once he was face to face with Kyla again. In his mind he could picture her on the day they first met, drawing her sword on him only to pass out minutes later. She tried to be tough as nails, but came off with a much more cotton-ish effect. The sparkle in her eyes as he kissed her had gotten him through the last two months.

He had tracked her down with the help of his cousin John, and he hadn't expected what he found. The beautiful innocent girl he had known, had grown up in the short time he'd been away. When he last saw her she wore men's clothing that covered up every inch of her, last night she had almost nothing on. She had confessed that he was her first kiss, but last night she was sitting on another man's lap and dancing for the whole crowd to see. What had happend to her?

Jaxx kicked himself for not replying to the letters that came from her daily that first month. What was he supposed to say? One day the letters stopped coming and Jaxx had gotten caught up in his family duties. When he returned to Radasanth, John had given him the address of the girl and he had followed her uncle to the bar.

He stood near the doorway to the tomb. He waited outside for a long time, until he saw Anita emerge. Kyla had told him of her sister, and he approached her.

"Are you Anita, Kyla's sister?" Jaxx asked the girl.

"Usually it's just Anita, but I guess that works too." Anita said with a grin. "And you are?"

"Jaxx Stone, I'm a friend of your sister."

"I bet you are." Anita laughed, "Follow me"

As he followed her into the tomb he thought he heard her giggle under her breath, "This is gunna be fun."

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Lost again. Jensen was beginning to really hate this cave network that Sei had assured him wasn’t all that hard to get used to. He turned a corner, found the rooms that belonged to the Ixian Knight’s council of nine, and turned angrily as he pondered where he took that wrong left turn.

He looked out for her, trying so hard to find what he sought. He wasn’t really sure if he was doing this to get under Sei’s skin or because he truly had grown feelings for the girl. Sei once embarrassed Jensen in the Citadel without even breaking a sweat and the fact that after that battle Jensen was indentured to Sei’s service by his own order was an insult he couldn’t let slide. He vowed to one day break the man for his transgressions and Kyla seemed to be the perfect opportunity.

Yet at the same time the more he thought about her, her blue eyes like sapphire gems that sparkled in a night sky, her hair so bouncy and shined like a polished sword and smile that melted freshly fallen snow had infiltrated the twisted labyrinthine halls of Jensen’s heart. He felt his blood boil just thinking of her, and the personalities of the two seemed to click in ways he didn’t think a mortal woman could. Damn Sei and his petty grudge against him, he felt he loved this woman enough to try and see if something could work.

“If only I could find the damn room!” Jensen hollered loudly to the ceiling as he angrily looked around to see if he could find a map of some sort. Sighing deeply he tried to focus his mind as he imagined the map Anita had drawn for him and the other knights. Then he recalled a memory that annoyed him now more than ever. While drunk one night he changed all the directions to confuse Adolph and Stephanie.

Oh how the tables had turned on the immortal. He shook his head bitterly as he turned down another corner and to his shock and awe, a heart pounding sensation rippled through his body. Before him in all her wonderful splendor was Kyla Orlouge. Her hair was wet like she had just finished a shower and was dressed for the day and the knight cleared his throat loudly as he leaned against a wall to take in all her beauty.

“If I may be so bold, mi’lady. You look radiant,” Jensen said bowing to her.

[Sapphire Eyes]

Anita led him through a series of connected rooms that would have gotten even the most experienced traveler lost. The home seemed to be a maze of sorts and Jaxx couldn't help but wonder around which corner Kyla lurked. They entered a dining area and Anita gestured for him to have a seat.

"So, Mr. Stone is it?" Anita pinned him with her eyes.

"Um...yes..." Jaxx felt his stomach ball up, before realizing he was being sized up by a 15-year-old.

"What are your intentions?" Anita poured herself a cup of tea.

"Excuse me? I'm not entirely sure what you're..."

"Don't play dumb with me boy, it may be the last thing you do." Anita pounded her fist on the table.

What is it with the girls in this family?

"You disappear for two months, never even meet the family, and you expect to just waltz on in here and..." Jaxx could feel the look of guilt rising in his face as Anita continued. "I'm totally screwing with you, come on." Anita bounced out of her chair and laughed as she walked down the hallway.

They took a few more turns, which Jaxx attempted to memorize just in case. They passed a room decorated in a beautiful pink and he couldn't help but notice the butterfly lamp sitting by the bed. "She really did get it didn't she?"

Anita stepped in front of him and closed the door. "And rude to boot, she sure knows how to pick you guys! Have you called any exemplary warriors pussies lately?"

Jaxx wasn't entirely sure what the girl was talking about, but he caught a whiff of honeysuckle as they rounded the corner. There stood Kyla Orlouge, standing much too close to the man from the bar and straight out of the shower from the looks of it.

"Kyla, someone's here to see you. I'll just be...in my room." Anita walked away quickly.

From the look on Kyla's face Jaxx wanted to follow. Never one to be rude within the first couple moments of meeting someone, he held out his hand. "Name's Jaxx Stone, I'm an old friend of Kyla's." Jaxx looked the man in the eyes.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw movement. A loud whap and his cheek was on fire. He looked at Kyla, "Not too happy to see me?"

[Amber Eyes]

She couldn't stop herself. Fury boiled up in her skin, and her hand acted completely on it's own. At least that's what she'd say.

The last time she'd seen Jaxx stone was the day she was kidnapped by the trapmaster. She had written him several times after the ordeal, and had almost believe from his silence that he was a dream. She had destroyed many a pillow with his face drawn on it over the last two months, and she was finally over him; or so she thought.

"Where the hell were you? I go to bed, next thing I know I'm drugged and in a freakin room in the citidel! I wrote, you never wrote back! Now you just show up here and...." Kyla's eyes locked with her first crush, the sorrow in his face apparent. "My god your the most infuriating human being on the face of the earth!"

"I think that's my line." Jaxx joked. "What would you have had me write? I'm here in my mommy's house, sorry you were kidnapped and tortured? Not exactly the stuff of epic love stories."

"So instead you just abandoned me completely? Because that's the stuff of epic love stories huh? Go to hell!' Kyla took off down the hallway, unsure of which man she wanted to chase her down.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Jaxx had moved after her, but as he moved something stood in front of him. This something was taller, leaner, and the vicious smile on his face told volumes of what he thought of Jaxx Stone and his sudden appearance. This something hadn’t processed what he was about to do fully, instinct of the heart demanding he do it now or forever let go of something he found special.

“My name is Jensen,” the immortal said gruffly, his tone not even remotely warm and inviting. Jaxx nodded to him, seeing the futility of talking to the knight as he tried to get around. Jensen took a step into his way, his grin never faltering. “I’m sorry, but what the hell makes you think you can go and talk to her, prick?”

Jaxx stood in defiance of the enigmatic immortal, not backing down from him as it was clear his temper was rising. This heat Jensen felt only fanned the embers within in his own soul, his desire to piss off people boiling his blood as he felt the laughter bubble up within his gut. He kept his mirth at bay as he continued to block the passage to the man.

“Let me aside,” he said more forcefully.

“You have terrible manners,” Jensen implied as he continued to force himself in the way of the lesser man. Well, lesser in his eyes. “You ignored my question, you ignored a beautiful lady, and worst of all you think you are the pantheon’s gift to the world! What are you, a fucking clown?” Jensen said scolding the man.

Jaxx attempted to push the knight, but instead it was Jensens who’s hands lifted up blocking his shove and pressing back with his own hands. Jaxx hit the cave wall and bounced back, his hands ready to fight. Jensen instead let out a cruel grin of amusement taunting the man to come and get him.

“Look at you,” Jensen said haughtily. “You look like the man who sucks mommy’s teet dry as you mooch off your home, spending your days wooing a lady and then forgetting them. And though I don’t know what the hell she meant by her being kidnapped I assure you I wouldn’t have acted like a fucking coward and turned tail to run.”

Jensen spoke with venom in his tone. There was nothing the Knights of Apocalypse despised more than a coward in their order. A coward was someone who you couldn’t trust, who you couldn’t rely on for anything. A coward would sell you out or worse, abandon you. Jensen was many, many things, but a coward was a thing he was proud to say he was not.

“I’ll speak in basic tongue and use terms even you can understand,” Jensen said stepping up on the man. To his credit he didn’t back down as Jensen let his lips curl into a snarl at the side of his mouth. “I found something in this miserable earth that allows me to tolerate my existence. For once I have something that completes a void inside my heart. Something I can love with all my heart. Unlike you, you ungrateful little wretch,” Jensen lifted a finger and pushed the man back. He quickly got back in Jensen’s face. “I plan to do whatever it takes to care for this precious item.

“So let me be blunt now.” Jensen leaned back and patted his weapons. “You so much as go near her, I’ll kill you.” he let a soft chuckle fill the tense air, adding to its weight. He observed Jaxx, seeing a defiance within his eyes but he didn’t move for Jensen’s eyes belied no lies in his threat. He meant every word.

With that lingering laughter he turned, letting the echoes of mirth die down as he chased after Kyla to offer whatever support the girl needed.

((You are free to bunny me for whatever you need))

[Sapphire Eyes]

The man blocked his path as he tried to chase Kyla down, he was becoming a real problem.

Jaxx wasn't sure what he'd expected as he returned to Kyla, but this sure as hell wasn't it. Perhaps their memories were better left just that. Jaxx mulled over his next move, deciding that whatever Kyla had to say to him would be better than silence. Screw this guy, Jaxx tried to go around. Before he realized what had happened; he was bouncing off a cave wall hard. Jaxx felt no pain, but it did take his breath away for a moment, causing him to cough.

The man's insults didn't hurt nearly as bad as Kyla's anger towards him and Jaxx mostly ignored the comments. He would not back away, from the looks of things Jensen hadn't been around long; he had just as much right to be here as the other man. Then the man made a huge mistake. He stepped up to Jaxx, and got into his face. Fury Filled Jaxx as Jensen threatened him, and then turned to follow the girl both men had apparently fallen in love with.

Jaxx grabbed his kuboton from his waist, and ran to catch up to Jensen. He grabbed the other man by the shoulder and jerked him back and into a wall. He placed the weapon onto Jensen's adam’s apple and applied just enough force to make it hard for the other man to breath.

"You wanna talk about caring for the girl? You just admitted yourself you don't know anything about her. I wasn't here for her, I had a lot going on, but I'm here now. All I know is two months ago, she was a sweet little girl , and now she's giving scum like you lap dances and drinking at a bar. So back off, because I'm going to figure out what's going on, and once I do, she'll choose me every time. I know it must feel good to be the one she wanted when I was gone, but I'm back now. I'll take your threat and do you one better, you go near her and I'll kill you. Obviously that means neither of us are following unless the other is out of the picture so let’s just get it over with."

Jaxx released the man and took a step backwards, pulling his rapier from its sheath as he did. He swung the sword upwards into the air and quickly proceeded to bring it down and aim at Jensen's right lower rib cage.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Jensen was at one point moving, and the next slammed against a wall as this Jaxx Stone guy grew a pair of balls in the last two months. As he pushed his weapons against him the immortal simply laughed. His hand fingered slowly down to his waist where he began to softly hook his flesh around the metal hole of his throwing dagger.

“Look at you, all the sudden Mr. Hero put on his cartoon underpants and thinks he has the gall to tell me he’s not a coward!” The dagger flashed upwards, sliding into the metal of the rapier as he pushed it aside moving off the wall so he was in the more open side of the hallway. There wasn’t much room in this place for a fight, but for a brawl? Jensen clucked his tongue as he wagged a finger.

“Where was this bravado two months ago when she was kidnapped and you were sitting in your momma’s lap sucking her tits dry, coward?” Jaxx, who’s past was a mystery to all save him made a dangerous lunge at Jensen who backed away from the rapier as he let out a cry of mirth.

“Oh yes, yes,” Jensen said sagely. “Let’s just piss off the woman I love with a dead body. ‘Hey honey, I haven’t seen you in forever so I killed your boyfriend as a welcome back present‘!” he mocked the man as he dangled the knife in his finger, letting it rotate as he brought it up to his face with a Cheshire cat grin.

“Put that thing you entertainingly refer to as a brain to good use, dumbass!” Jensen scolded him as he felt his heart race and blood pound. He wanted nothing in the world than to destroy this filth from the face of the earth, but he could do one better. He would simply break the man’s spirit like the immortal had done to so many others. When the dust settled and all the remains is a broken man Kyla wouldn’t even bother going near him, avoiding Jaxx like he was some garbage can that was long due to be emptied.

“You want to duel with me so badly, you little shit?” Jensen motioned to the walls. “I could be a coward like you and accept right now and you know what?” Jensen asked, his tone deadly serious. This guy just didn’t have a clue about fighting other than raw talent and whatever fancy lessons he was taught. Sure, he knew how to wield a rapier, but fight with one? Jensen was positive the man didn’t.

He waited to see if Jaxx caught on, but his anger was blinding him. Jensen sighed as he spoke forcefully. “I would have killed you in less than two minutes, shit head!” Jensen cursed. “You don’t even have the tactical advantage in this hallway! However, if you want to fight with me so badly than fine! Let’s go fucking nuts! Let’s have a big happy fun time as we-” Before Jensen could finish two bodies approached behind him and one of them grabbed the immortal tossing him back.

“Little hot headed, aren’t you, Jensen? I can name one rather good reason as to how idiotic this is, but cliché‘s aside this is also the house of Lord Sei Orlouge, our employer,” Stephanie said as her partner, Adolph stood with his hand on his broadsword nodding to her words. The threat she implied was simple: If either one drew their weapons and shed blood they would dispatch of both of them quickly.

“Why don’t we all just cool off, now. It’s a little silly to be fighting over a girl, don’t you think?” The look on both men’s faces had told her it wasn’t silly at all, but business of the purest kind.

The towering form of Adolph adopted a relaxed stance to show no hostility to Jaxx as he covered Jensen from a surprise assault. Jensen lifted a hand to wipe the back of his mouth as he pointed to his newly hated foe. “ Let’s go to the citadel and fight like gentlemen!” Jensen taunted him, rubbing every ounce of venom into his words as Stephanie pushed him back. “You can pick the time, the place, the arena, every minute detail for all I care.” He let his hysterical nature rise at each jab. Then he lowered his voice as he grinned devilishly.

“That is of course if you grew up enough to stick your thumb out of your mouth, coward!”

[Sapphire Eyes]

Jaxx did the math quickly in his head. One pain in the ass boyfriend plus two friends equals one ass kicking for him. Even angry as he was, he knew that three against one were bad odds. Jensen seemed to be done with their measuring contest by the arrival of these two knights. The immortal issued a challenge to the man, adding insult to injury which caused Jaxx again fill with rage.

"Fine. Two days. Citadel. Five o' clock sharp. If you're not there, I will come back and turn you into shredded cheese while you sleep. Make sure you tell your ‘girlfriend’ I'll be around." Jaxx turned his back to the trio and began to storm out of the tomb. The man was fuming with anger at the arrogant ass that dared come between him and his apology to Kyla.

As Jaxx walked out, he ran into the same girl he had met earlier. She was peering out of the crack of her door, and Jaxx pretended not to notice. As he got closer, she swung the door open and stepped in front of him. "Are you going to take that from him?! Go grab your big boy parts and take him out!"

Jaxx blinked in shock for a moment. Did anyone besides Kyla like this guy?

"I've set a date. I don't have what I need to fight him now. I promise that he will be coming back with his tail between his legs." Anita had calmed Jaxx down a bit, causing his judgment to return. "If you could tell Kyla that I'm sorry, and that I'll be at the cottage if she wants to se me, I'd really appreciate it." Jaxx bent down and gave Anita a kiss on the hand, “And give that to her for me as well.”

Anita nodded as she stepped aside, allowing Jaxx to leave. Jaxx Stone obviously had not won the heart of Kyla Orlouge today, but in the near future, she would be his once more...

~~~~~~~~~~~

When Jaxx returned home, his anger still had the best of him. He entered his house and threw his kubotan against a wall before agrily entering his kitchen. There sitting at the table was John Shelby.

“Need some help with something champ?” His older cousin asked.

“I just might John, I just might.”

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Jensen was shoved inside his room as Stephanie gave him a glare so foul he actually felt her heat exuding onto him. Adolph didn’t exactly smile either as he looked to the immortal with angry eyes and a disapproving shake of his head.

“What’s gotten into you, huh?” the woman shouted using boisterous hand gestures to make her point. Why she did them was beyond the knight, but Adolph stepped forward crossing his arms over his chest like a parent who was about ot scold his child. Jensen giggled as the man sighed heavily.

“You just met the girl last night, and now you are going into a blood feud with some guy you don’t even know,” the senior knight tapped his foot impatiently. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

“He’s a faggot!” Jensen screamed, his choler rising to the fore yet again at the thought of Jaxx Stone. “He’s a prepubescent ass wad with no brains in his head. Who the fuck just shrugs their shoulders when their girlfriend goes missing and then when she returns mailing letters of her ordeals ignores her?” Jensen paced the room. “A fucking coward, that’s who!” Jensen was beside himself as he gripped his fists into tight balls turning his knuckles white.

“You are getting way to worked up over something so trivial as that man’s cowardice.” Stephanie said in a straining tone. After a moment of tension she lowered her tone. “By the way don’t think Adolph and I disagree with you about the lacking spine of that tool.” The other knight nodded his agreement.

“You believed me on blind faith? Huh, that’s a first…” Jensen mumbled as he let his rage simmer down.

“No, we talked to Sei first before he asked us to fetch you and cool you off.” Jensen bit his lower lip in frustration. He hated Sei. He really did.

Stephanie stepped forward and pushed Jensen onto his bed as she sat next to him on the mattress, Adolph twirling a chair so he could sit before them in a reverse position resting his arms on the back of the wood. He lowered his head and looked to the immortal with a half smile while Stephanie looked through her cubby hole of scrolls. When she found the right one she unraveled it and said a few words of power slamming it onto the wall. With a loud pop the air seemed to fizzle with magical energies.

“Okay, now that the eavesdropping spell is activated we won’t be interrupted. So what’s going on, Jensen. Really? We’ve never seen you get so worked up over a silly girl.” Jensen eyed them both before he drew in his knees and rested on his pillow smiling.

“Simply put,” Jensen sighed. “I’m in love.” both his comrades lifted a single eyebrow. “What?” he asked more indignantly. “Can’t I be in love?” The other eyebrows lifted. He shook his head to them waving them off.

“We think your just trying to piss of Sei. What better way to get back at him than sleeping with one of his daughters, or worse, dating one of his daughters. His damaged daughter with the troubled past, mind you.” Adolph said bluntly, his shoulders shrugging as he spoke.

“You despise all form of life, you said it yourself last week,” Stephanie added. “So trust us when we say we are leery of you being in love after one night of drunken karaoke and dancing.”

“I hadn’t drank enough to be drunk, and neither did she. I don’t know how to explain it guys. I just had fun, and for once I didn’t think about ruining it or laughing wildly as weapons went flying and fists soaring. I was…enlightened to the ways of happiness.” He muttered.

“That’s not love,” Stephanie blurted, his lips moving in a raspberry as she laughed to Jensen. “That’s just having fun. You like her because you had fun with her. That I can get behind, that I can understand!” she laughed a bit more, much to Jensen’s displeasure, before calming herself.

“You seriously don’t know how to have fun?” Adolph asked, his curiosity getting the better of him. Jensen shrugged.

“My brand of fun involves screaming, laughing, and lots of blood.” he said indifferently.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Adolph spoke quickly, his confusion breaking a tension barrier that was coming from the immortal as he lifted his eyebrow with a smile, pointing to himself and then shrugging in a very exaggerated fashion. “Ah, right, you are you. Fair enough.” Adolph submitted.

“I think you are just fighting this Jaxx Stone guy because you want to piss him off, and I think you want to date Kyla because it would infuriate both Sei and Jaxx to proportions to get your kicks from. You are justifying this brand of idiocy by claiming you truly love her to mask the hidden desires to break things around you,” Stephanie added nonchalantly. Now it was Adolph and Jensen who lifted both eyebrows to her.

“Well thank you Doctor Stephanie, P.H.D. in Jensen-ology!” he flashed his index fingers to her, clicking his fingers once before scooting off his bed. “I’m going to go for a walk guys. I’ll catch you later.” Jensen said as he left his room.

When he was out of ear shot Stephanie sighed deeply, concerned for her friend as she raveled up her scroll. Adolph just patted her on the shoulder getting up and leaving.

[Sapphire Eyes]

"...And that's what happened." Jaxx finished his story as he began to sip the tea John had made for him. "I mean, I don't understand it. What would change such a sweet girl like Kyla into...that?" Jaxx's cousin had been staring out the window in the kitchen for several minutes now. He was still being attentive to the story, but every mention of something possibly having happened to Kyla would make John grow distant.

"Well, she is the child of Sei Orlouge," John replied, "And she hadn't been seen half as much as Anita Orlouge. If she's been cooped up in that cave for most of her life, it was bound to cause a bit of a dissociative personality disorder."

John had spent years studying psychology, surely he knew better than Jaxx about the psyche of a young girl.

"You have to help me, I've done everything you've told me to. I didn't read her letters, I never wrote her back. I trust you John, but when will she come around?"

"Just go to the battle at the citadel, room 88. No matter what your competitor says or does, remember that whoever wins that fight will also win Kyla's heart. Do not give up Jaxx, she will be yours."

"And rightfully so, that scumbag doesn't deserve a girl like Kyla." Jaxx said plainly as he stood from the table. "Thanks John, I promise to show him what he truly deserves, and it's defiantly not my girl."

He carried his cup to the sink as he heard John speak again, "There's something about Jensen Ambrose that you may need to know."

Jaxx stood waiting for the rest of the statement, when it didn't come he turned to see a worried look on his cousins face. John wasn’t sure if Jensen’s immortality would harm his cousin’s will to fight. It all depended on Jaxx’s will to fight.

"And that would be?" Jaxx questioned the older man.

"Oh, it's nothing. Nothing for you to worry about, you have more important matters at hand. Oh, the time for the battle has changed, make it 7'oclock. The later time will give you a certain...advantage."

Jaxx walked from the room, turning in the doorway "Thanks John, you were always the one to count on."

[MetalDrago]

STORY

Continuity (7/10) ~ I had a pretty good idea where you guys were coming from. Overall, you guys covered just about every question I could have wanted answered, scratch one or two. So, good job. Just work on fleshing out the past a little bit more, or covering some reasons behind being there more detailed and this score will climb.

Setting (4/10) ~ You were in a cave… that’s about all I got… Try working on fleshing out the smells and sounds you hear around you to really give a jumpstart to this score.

Pacing (5/10) ~ The confrontation between Jensen and Jaxx was a little underplayed for the two to be such bitter rivals. You probably should have stretched out the confrontation a little bit longer and add some seething undercurrents to it, even considering the intervention of Sei’s Knights.

CHARACTER ~.

Dialogue (7/10) ~ Very believable, especially Jensen. I got a real good feel for the characters’ emotions being portrayed through their voices… Keep at it, you two.

Action (5/10) ~ Not a whole lot of real action going on here, and the actions and reactions of certain characters were decently played, but overall, there just wasn’t anything that really stood out as a character-describing action. Try and play off breathing, face color, and things like that to make this more obvious to a reader.

Persona (5/10) ~ I got a decent idea of what each character was like, but I still feel like I don’t quite know them. It’s sad, because I think both of those characters are very interesting in their own specific ways.

WRITING STYLE ~

Mechanics (3/10) ~ I saw several really obvious mistakes, and the best way to fix these is to proofread and make sure you didn’t accidentally type a word that a spell checker wouldn’t catch.

Technique (4/10) ~ There weren’t any really obvious literary techniques being used here, probably because the thread was being carried forward to something else. Try and use some foreshadowing or other advanced techniques to see this score rise.

Clarity (6/10) ~ Overall, I had a good idea of what was being covered in this thread. A quarrel over the heart of a young woman is always interesting, and usually pretty clear… Just work on clearing the meaning of some parts of your posts up and you’ll do well in this score.

Wild Card (6/10) ~ Very simple, and not something you see very often on Althanas, a duel for the heart of a lover.

Overall Score – 52

Sapphire Eyes receives 350 EXP and 150 GP
Enigmatic Immortal receives 850 EXP and 150 GP
Amber Eyes receives 150 EXP and 20 GP

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added.