Siegfried and the Avian Terror

[Fuzzie]

This thread is closed; it is a solo.

"What happened while you were out today, Shnookums?" mother asked me as I sat down by our fire pit.
"I told you not to call me that Mother! My name is Siegfried, S-I-E-G-F-R-I-E-D. Not 'Shnookums.'

Staring out of the window at the blood-red moon, I begin to recount my tale...

"I began my epic journey by setting out this morning with naught but my wyvern slayer, adventurer's pack, and --"
"Wyvern Slayer? What's that?"
"It's my Butcher Knife mom, don't interrupt...Anyways, where was I? Ah yes. I set out with naught but my wyvern slayer, adventurer's pack, and blood stained, yet shining white, armor."
"Didn't I pack you lunch?"
"Mother, I said not to interrupt...In any case, I set out with said items and NOTHING ELSE towards my client. It was a tough order today, an avian-like beast was desired as a trophy for a noble family; the rumors were that it stood tall and proud with a fierce red mane and talons sharp enough to rend flesh."

Mother appears dumbfounded...perhaps she is so terrified of the beast just through my description!
It might serve me well to tone it down a little...no! I shall not omit any detail just to spare her maiden heart...

"Son, you've been quiet quite some time now, is everything fine?"
*Sigh*...This will be a grueling task.

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"The sun slowly rose over the trees as I made way to the shop we had agreed to meet at. After a considerable amount of walking, I had finally arrived --"
"But your shop is just down the way..."
"MOTHER, PLEASE! I had finally arrived, and the client was not yet there. I decided to rest, for my task would not be kind to me. Pulling aside a stool to sit on, I began to sharpen my blade and take notice of my surroundings. Various cattle were penned in outside around the back of the shop. Headless bodies of avian monsters hung by their feet in a row. A sack of money was safely stashed behind the counter, and everything appeared to be in order. Yes, nothing was out of place, so the shop had obviously not been broken in to the night before. I hear stories of the thieves in this area, how they would slit your throat in a moment's notice were it to gain them some coin..."
"But Pumpy-pie, you KNOW this town is safe! There are no thieves here and if there were, they would not be violent in ANY way."
"Mother, it's called building tension!" *Sigh* "I sat and sharpened my blade until I was satisfied. The client still had not yet arrived. The door open. Sunlight blasted in. My client had arrived."

[Fuzzie]

"So, who was he honey-bunny?"
"I TOLD you already... a noble...He stood tall in his fine robes (which were a nice deep brown, mind you) and asked if I was ready. Seeing as I had already sharpened my blade and needed no provisions for such a task, I agreed to follow him. He took me to a clearing in the forest he owned; this journey took so long that the sun was already directly above our heads and beating down on us when we arrived. I knew such intense heat would only serve to wear me down, so I asked how soon I could start. 'Immediately' was his response, as he smiled crookedly. It was a trap! The beast burst out of nowhere, running wildly. Of course, I had been in such situations before --"
"Somebody's tried to kill my little bumbly bear? Oh, maybe it would be better if we moved elsewhere..."
"Quiet, mother! You've made me lose track of where I was. Let's see...client...journey...forest...beast... Ah yes, the beast! It ran wildly as I calmly took out my trusted wyvern slayer. I was not expecting what came next. It lunged at me, so quickly and unpredictably that a gash was put into my forearm, right here!"

I hope mother doesn't faint from seeing such a gruesome battle wound.

"Oh, we'd best tell your father about this! He will be sure to send for a healer."
"NO! Please, anything but father! He won't be pleased with my doings, I know it! Whatever you do, do not tell him about what I've told you!"
"If you say so, baby..."
"Well, I DO say so...Well, after it wounded me it became more unpredictable. It scurried to and fro, attempting to confuse me! I wouldn't have any of that though, so I gave chase. At one point, I managed to grab a tuft of its feathers...but it quickly detached my hand from itself. In rage, I swung my wyvern slayer and nicked its hide. The beast fled in terror. The remainder of the battle was pathetic on its part. It floundered about, attempting to stay safe. I gave chase once more. Sweat was running into my eyes. My wound was throbbing, and my sword arm heavy. The beast was tired and, seeing my exhaustion, took a break and stood still. It was not advantageous for me, however. My legs were dead, and the sun glared in my eyes; it had long since descended from its high position. I took a chance. I flailed as I gave one last dash towards it. I could taste and smell my success..."

[Fuzzie]

"I seized the beast by its neck and dragged it over to a large stump. Being tired, it put up little of a fight at this point. I pinned it to the stump and raised my wyvern slayer high above my head. The sunlight glinted off it, and the sparkle caught my eye. Switching my view from the beast to my knife and back again, I felt a small amount of pity. Such a worthy adversary was to be done in by its lack of stamina. I swung. The noble gasped. The head rolled to the ground, another trophy collected. But I was caught off guard. The beast showed amazing strength, even in death. In a mad blitzkrieg, it ran around with its head off. It flapped its wings in a feeble attempt to fly. Blind and running on sheer instinct by now, it was one last show of defiance. It was inspiring, even, to see such determination to live. Even though it had wounded me to the point of fear for my limb, I respected it for putting up such a fight--"
"You ARE badly wounded! Here, let me send word to your father, so he may bring back a healer."
"No! I said not to tell father! He'd- he'd..."

I can't think of a good excuse...but...yes!

"He'd be guilt stricken! He would blame himself for allowing me to go out into a dangerous world! I do not want to see my father like that...well, I staggered over to the noble next. I contemplated slaying him, but knew the consequences, even though he had set me up, were great. I skinned the beast in front of him and gave him his trophy. 'You did well,' he said. 'This was all a test, I'll be sure to contact you for your services when I am in need. Many have fallen to that beast before you, but I had a feeling that you, Siegfried the Great, could do it.'"
"But your title is Siegfried the Average..."
"Mother, not now, I'm almost finished. The noble called a servant to tend to my wound (I TOLD you it didn't need attention) and I set out back to the shop to count my pay. 3000 gold...it was all there. The sun was close to setting, so I took one last look at the shop before I went. Nothing was missing since I had left. I made sure to see it locked tightly, I was fond of the place. I made my journey back, and now here I am."

"Oh dear, he paid you so much for your efforts! We'd best save that, that will last us a long time. Let me have it."
"Mother, no! It's- It's my money as a prize! Please do not take it from me!"

"Take...WHAT...from you?"

Oh dear...father has returned... I was hoping to avoid him.

[Fuzzie]

"Just...just my day's pay, father..."
"Why would she want to take that from you? You've earned it fair and square, I assume"
"Dear, Shnookums here said that he was paid--"
"Sorry father, mother is a bit out of sorts..."
"What did you tell your mother, young man?"
"I told her about my day at work... I walked down the way to the shop and went through my usual routine. I took inventory, I sharpened my knife since I don't want a dull blade to interfere with my cutting, and I opened the store. A client was scheduled to arrive but didn't show up until late."
"Who was this client, son?"
"That peasant man from down the way, Harold something or other. He showed up in his muddy brown rags that he usually wears. He wanted me to take his old and dying rooster and slaughter and skin it so his family could eat for the next few nights --"
"You said that a noble wanted a trophy --"
"Hush mother, you're delirious. Anyways, I wanted to do the job quickly so that I could tend to other customers. I followed him out the shop and made sure to lock the door behind me. On the way, though, we had to do silly errands he had forgotten to do...it took until about noon before we got there even though it should have taken no time at all. I was hungry, so before we started I ate some food, which I shouldn't have. He had forgotten to pen in the rooster, so I spent a good deal of the day chasing it about. I had it for a second but it scratched me (see, right here), and I let it go. I got a cramp because I had eaten before the ordeal started, so I took a quick break. The rooster calmed down since I wasn't chasing it anymore, so I took the chance and lunged for it. I grabbed it by the neck, dragged it to the nearest stump I could find, and chopped its head off. The body ran around for a long time, so I had to wait until I could skin it. I skinned it and set it down on his table and prepared to leave, but he wouldn't let me go. He insisted I stayed so that his family could thank me. My afternoon wasted, I went back to the shop to count my pay and make sure no thieves had gotten in."
"How much did he pay you?"
"13 gold, not much. Given the task, I had hoped for more, but beggars cannot be choosers. I closed up shop and made my way home with my day a bust. I told mother about my average day and then you came in as she was trying to take my pay."
"But dear, Shnookums told me he went out and a noble set a trap and he slew an avian beast and the battle was epic and he was paid 3000 gold!"
"We need to have a talk...father to son. Dear, leave us be for now."

[Fuzzie]

"Son...look. I know we trained you to be an adventurer. We invested much money in your schooling, but from the start it was clear you weren't cut out to slay beasts. Now I know you wish you were a hero. But for the sake of the Gods, you're on your thirtieth year now! You're too old to be day dreaming and telling stories like that. You know your mother believes you , and it will be just a letdown when she realizes it's all fake."

"But father, I know there's something more for me! I am meant for glory and grandeur!"

"No son, we only told you that. We gave you a name that you couldn't live up to, and you're turning into an embarrassment with your exaggerations. 'Siegfried the Average', they call you. You're lucky to be called that! I know of your unfavorable title, 'the Chicken Strangler.' Masturbatory references are not something to be proud of! You're single, overweight, and you live with your parents! It's time to think about taking a more serious look at life. You can't skirt by on our earnings with your small pay from your little butcher shop. The money you make is laughable. Sometimes I fear you're touched, given how much of a failure you are. Starting tomorrow, you are to stop accepting charity jobs. Don't go near that request board at the town hall. And stop telling your mother those stories! Do you understand?"

"Yes father...I understand."

He's the one who needs to understand! This mundane life is not meant for me! I am Siegfried the Great, not some hack who opened up a butcher shop! Then again... He's right. I'm the town mockery! All the adventurers are young and fit! I'm aging quickly and I'm overweight. I'm barely fit to be swinging my knife. I've become good at my trade... I have enough livestock to last me a few customers... Perhaps father is right. I'm not meant for glory. I'm a failure living with his parents. I've always known that the younger adventurers make fun of me. The elder ones do as well... There's no adventurer that has ever been my age! They all turned in long before they hit such a pathetic age. I have my trade, and the skill for it...starting tomorrow, no more delusions. I'm past that now. I must become a man, a respectable man of a respectable trade. I suppose it's time to say farewell. Farewell, fabulous life. Goodbye, shining armor. I will not see you again, wyvern slayer. Greetings, bloody apron. Hello, butcher knife. Hail to you, normal life. It's time we become good friends.

[Fuzzie]

This post is meant to provide back story, I do not expect EXP or GP from it. Criticism is welcome, leave a reply or PM me.

[Silence Sei]

• STORY ~

(14/30)

Continuity (5/10) ~ A starting adventure, so there’s no real continuity to it per se.

Setting (2/10) ~ Your lack of detail to the setting hurt you hear. I would suggest that you describe your workshop better. Wouldn’t a butcher shop smell of raw meat? Would not the chickens in their coop be causing a fuss for everyone to hear? Work on sense details here and you’ll do much better.

Pacing (7/10) ~ I will say that for a five post thread, the pacing was quite good. I was pulled in at the start of things, and was rolling on the floor laughing at the conclusion. This is your strongest area in Story, and it only needs little improvement.
• CHARACTER ~

(13/30)

Dialogue (6/10) ~ This thread was essentially nothing but dialogue. Sometimes, that’s not necessarily a good thing. I would suggest that if you are going to continue the writing format of Sieg talking to Mom to describe his escapades, you leave out the quotation marks and instead use a different colored text in order to let your readers know the difference between what the characters doing, and what he said he did.

Action (5/10) ~ The action was pretty average here. The chicken chase was over fairly quickly, which disappointed me. I kind of expected a Tom & Jerry like adventure from you when describing the chase. Your points remained average once I, as an audience member, realized what the true story was.

Persona (2/10) ~ Your character didn’t seem to really convey much emotion here. The only emotions I really grasped was the frustration at his own mother while he told his tale. I would suggest you explore the feelings of your butcher a bit more. How would you feel if you had to chase a chicken around? When Sieg rested, he could have thought about resigning in his efforts to slay the avian beast. Sieg isn’t used to chasing chickens around –constantly-, he usually catches them still in the coop, and chops their heads off (at least a normal butcher does that). Try to be much more emotional in your actions and you’ll go far, kid.


• WRITING STYLE ~

(11/40)

Mechanics (1/10) ~ Sorry to say, but the writing in here was not great. You used exclamation points like they were being sold for…well, like they were free. I would sporadically use them in relation to when your character talks. I would only use it in non-dialogue actions if you truly wish to convey strong emotion. Like you did with the phrase ‘He’s the one that needs to understand!’.

Technique (2/10) ~ The unique style was not really a good thing here. If you improved upon it a bit, I would feel more comfortable giving you a higher score. I sometimes forgot Sieg was talking to his mother as he described the story sometimes. As stated before, coloring the dialogue if you plan to use it immensely would be a good start in improving the style. Another suggestion would be to cut off the dialogue at a certain point to have your character remember the tale. Simply stating something like ‘As I ranted on about the story, the images began to fill my head…’ Just like that, something that was dialogued could easily become action.

Clarity (3/10) ~ While everything cleared up a bit at the end, it was a bit too late for me. Also, as I said, the dialogue confused me a bit sometimes, and the quotations at the end did nothing but throw me for a loop more.
Wild Card (5/10) ~ You’re character is quite funny, and I was laughing at this quest every post. I would just like to see better setting, more details, and a little bit clearer writing style from you. If you’d like I could help you in a quest or two.

My AIM is Ashtonwise if you have any questions or comments. You can also PM me.

Total: 38/100

Fuzzie receives 280 exp, 15 GP (Your peasant left him more than he thought ;) ) and the head of his most worthy adversary as a spoil.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added!!