It All Folds Into Itself Workshop [Archive]

Knave

06-04-10, 10:15 PM

Excellent story, I have no idea where this is, but that’s not important. Stories of madness are always intriguing, if only to see how hard, and how fast a person breaks down from paranoia to bats hit crazy. In this case it was… two days after going through Castus Malum, which I am familiar with at the moment, though I doubt my character will be a little girl about it. Thing I like about crazy people is that they are totally removed from reason, at least good ones anyway, and are capable of anything their minds can come up with. Good for shock value, good for the story, I just wish you had followed through with the murder, or had your character stopped… or gone overboard and done in everyone under the roof. That said, you’ve done an excellent job rendering the situation as horribly depressing in as close to a realistic manner as I’m comfortable with. This is going to cost you points with me, as I doubt when you write horror any reader should be this comfortable. =)

It fits rather nicely as a the follow up to what back story was given, granting examples of what kind of soul shattering, bravery busting horror a plane of tangible evil is capable of. Likewise, the explanation was neither too lengthy, in which I might get bored, or too short, in which I would give a flat, “Whaaat?” My only complaint is that Sei, and the other characters get very little dialogue beyond the sister. I’d like to know just what they were saying… though that might kill the suspense to know that they had just called a priest for counseling/exorcism.

As stated before, I have no idea where this is, beyond a hobbit hole on the country side. However, I would have thought the tunnel window would have been most terrifying weakness to her fortress, not a hole in the wall. I digress. There is a keen fixation on emotional torque through out the story focusing on thoughts, and leaving out the material world except for the most integral and depressing pieces. We get very little description of the world she lives in beyond her mind. As things are explained away the posts slowly dwindle down to ravings, panic, and delusions, leaving less and less for the reader (ME!<3) to read in to. This leaves me with two thoughts as to why. A) As her thoughts grew more repetitive you had less to work with. Or B) It was completely intentional to reflect a dying sense of rationality, a loss of time, and to illustrate just how much she understands what she is doing. I do hope it is B.

She sleeps beside her waste. Dumps her food in her closet thinking it is poison. Imagines the forces of unconquerable darkness boring through every wall and surface. Her own reflection terrifies her. She trusts no one, for good reason, at least in her mind. Yes, these are all stock crazy people antics, including the markings which while explicitly stated as scorch marks don’t quite escape giving me the impression that she wrote them in her own excrement. All in all, this is one terrible wreck of a little girl, and I think a lot of people would be hard pressed to top this. Really, it comes back to my previous statement, this is the sort of character that either kills herself, or kills everyone else… or both. Or maybe just runs away and stabs someone to death when they offer her any sort of kindness. Too often you see apathy in characters, but here we have the extreme of depression. Seriously, finish this, I’d like to know whether everyone in that house was stabbed to death or not.

Spoken lines, and in-character thoughts were probably the best, and worst selling points. When the sister insists on being there for her sibling it’s a great moment of familial love. When Amber uses phrases like, “take out,” or “I must stop her with any means necessary.” Those two lines indicate hope, hope has no place in this girls head up until now. Aside from the markings, she seems to consistently lack any faith that she will come out of this in any kind of condition beyond simply dead.

Duffy

06-07-10, 01:20 PM

It All Folds Into Itself Judgement

Story (16/30)

Continuity - 4 Several posts were short, sweet, but disjointed running into and out of the next.

Setting - 5

Pacing - 7

Character (17/30)

Dialogue - 7 Strongest part of the thread, it felt natural and unstrained and reflected your character and her emotions.

Action - 5

Persona - 5

Writing (16/30)

Technique - 6 Some good attempts at technique, but several slip ups in formatting/internal speech as shown below.

Mechanics - 4 Several places you didn't italicise internal speech. Several typos which can be improved upon with proofreading. With a higher technique score and persona, it's clear you're improving. Be careful not to use ellision outside of speech, there was only one case of this I caught, you're otherwise spot on distinguishing between speech and narrative.

Clarity - 6 Crystal clear, well done!

Wild Card - 6

Total: 56/100

Experience and Gold:

Amber Eyes receives 1087 experience and 125 gold.

As the only contributor, knaveofspades receives 50 experience and 150 gold.