Rough landing in underwood

[The gospel speaks]

Lucien stared angrily at the council before him as they decided his fate. "Kill him!" roared one lord, who Lucien noticed, was the one who he wronged. The others kept their cool and discussed other punishments. "Lets just Put him in the O ring for 1000 years." Lucien cringed, he had heard rumors of the O ring. Technically it would be referred to as the oblivion ring, and it was a vile abomination. It forced the being inside out of one reality, and into another. he had heard from those who had been in it, and apparently it was excruciatingly painful. Eventually the high king and rose. "Lucien gospel, you have been a friend to every king of Arkon for roughly 7000 years. You have turned the tides of our most hopeless battles against destruction, we were willing to look past some of your crimes, but insulting one of our own by sleeping with his wife, I'm afraid we can't ignore this without causing a nasty war. But there is hope for you, we will not kill you, to do so would be foolish. Instead you shall be sent to another realm via the Oblivion ring." Lucien scowled, something he did often. "For how long?" he inquired in his charmingly smooth voice. "You will spend 1000 years there." the high king replied. Lucien smiled as the guards grabbed him by the back of his robes, hauling him off his feet. "Oh by the way, from what she said, I was way better than you could ever be." he said grinning at the king he had offended. The council gasped, except for the high king, instead he was grinning ear to ear, barely containing his laughter. "Oh how we will miss you Lucien." he barely managed to say without laughing.
...
Lucien was sat in a new chair, which compared to the old one, was like sitting on nails. "Can I get a cushion?" he asked one of the large men sarcastically, to his surprise one of them grunted in a somewhat civilized manner. "Ignore the chair, this trip shall hurt like hell." the guards then placed an amulet over his head. "This will pull you back in 1000 years so don't lose it, also be careful, you may not land in a civilized world. Be on guard at all times." then they stepped back. Lucien gasped as a ring of steel rose from the ground around him. He barely had time to read the runes as the device activated, but he knew what they were. The words were his fathers dieing message. Go forth into the unknown and serve for your sins. Ironically the words were truly meant for him, but the others didn't know his past, or his family. The air around him crackled with energy and then Pop. He wasn't there anymore.
....
Lucien screamed in agony as he shot through the void between worlds. His entire being burned hotter than millions of suns, and then his whole being froze. Then his skin began to feel as if thousands of needles were being driven through him. Just when it felt he couldn't take it anymore it stopped. Then he appeared hovering twenty feet over the Concordia Forest. Lucien turned his head backwards to face the ground, catching a glimpse of a town and a few roads, then gravity kicked in. "Demons breath," he swore angrily as he began to plummet. A rune glowed on his handcuffs and the dissipated. He immediately flipped to point his feet downwards. He grimaced and braced for impact of the treeline and hissed in pain as his legs smashed through the first layer of branches. He shot his arm out for something to grab on to. Several branches later he had managed to catch a rather sturdy branch without dislocating his shoulder. He pulled himself up and assessed his state of being. "One head, one neck, both eyes, a nose, all of my hair, torso relatively untouched, legs a little sore, all twenty fingers and toes, and two hands and feet. Best of all my robes were not torn up, thank the divine guardians for that one." He then paused, he heard a small whistling sound, he swore and dove to another branch as his scythe landed in the branch. HE smiled wearily and slung it on his back. "I saw a town in that direction." he said pointing to the west. "I should probably look for a place to stay." and with that he climbed down the tree and headed off towards town.
(Out of character: Feel free to pick this Rp up at any point before he really gets to town. Perhaps you saw him fall and went to look for him, perhaps you meet Lucien in town, or perhaps you stumbled upon him in the forrest feel free to be creative.)

[The gospel speaks]

Lucien strode down the road into town with a brisk pace. First he would have to find a way to get money, perhaps resorting to trickery and stealing, but that would be a last resort. As he continued to walk he noticed several things, A.) most of the town was similar to one from his home town, and B.) some of the elvish women were smoking hot. But again neither were very important at the time. Then an idea struck him. He sat down on the corner of the street and focused on some shadows, he did a quick check to make sure no one was watching, and summoned an illusion from the darkness. It was that of the most adorable little girl he could imagine, in incredibly ratty clothes. he smiled and had the girl go off further down the street begging. He didnt know the laws of this world, but he doubted anyone would turn down a sweet young girl.
Someone please join, typing by myself sucks.

[Troubled-Crow]

In the darkness of an alleyway, Warren smirked at the man looking around, looking like he wanted something. Money, probably. Warren was a good reader of thoughts, one of the best, bar actual telepaths. But they were a nuisance, arrogant buggers. He noticed how he also glanced at some of the elfen women, which Warren had learnt not to. In fact, he had learnt it the very, very hard way, involving at least 3 court cases.

Warren stood up, and ratted up his clothes. He saw the man staring at a girl. Warren, this time, had no idea why. However, he did know the orphans around here, and they knew there part; if the authoritys came, Warren was there father, even if he was a rather beaten up one. He stared at the girl, until he caught her eye. He tilted his head towards the man. She nodded quickly. Warren stood up, and began walking quite emotionlessly towards the man.

[mezz09]

Rauko sat in a bar in the small town. it wasn't a particularly nice bar, but they had booze, and that was good enough for him. He had no idea what time of day it was, all he knew, was his tankard was once again empty, and he was still sober. he was getting sick of the quality of alcohol in the area. the only stuff that had any real punch to it was spirits, and they were disgusting. fed up of it, he pulled his tin mug from his bag, slammed it on the counter and asked for a re-fill. then he dropped a few coins on the bar and left, cheap mead in hand.

as he stepped into the glaring light of day, he squinted at a young girl that had just walked up to him and was begging for money. he paused for a moment, then swigged his mead, before speaking. "no good booze to spend it on round 'ere anyway... fine, this should get you a decent bed for a night and a loaf. don't think anyone would suspect you if you stole an apple from a street vender neither" he took another swig, then walked off towards some shade of an alleyway. A tall, thin man walked past. he smelled mildly of death, which intrigued rauko, so he watched as the tall man walked emotion-lessly towards a silver haired man. the silver haired man was watching the girl he'd just given money to. it was an odd situation.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren slowed down. His eyes unfocusd from the man, and the girls eyes widened in confusion. I stared straight at her, then the money. She didn't understand, but she knew I was no longer after the silver haired man.

I felt the eyes on the back of my neck. Someone was watching. And I couldn't do what I was about to do, with someone watching. Watchers were witnessess, one and the same, and witnessess meant questions. And Warren didn't deal well with questions.

Slowly, he turned. If he could talk the man away from the area, then he could finish his work. Otherwise, he would have to try something else. His eyes located him, half shadowed in an alleyway, with a glinting tankard of mead, or alchohol. It didn't matter. It could be used as a weapon, and depending on how much the man had drunk, could be used with agression only a drunkard could reach.

He started to walk towards the man, his eyes still trained on him. His brain started ticking, and suddendley, he felt the cool metal of one of his blades, through his clothing. He knew why. He was thinking of how he was going to use it. Or how he was going to defend himself with it. Always ready, was Warren's motto, and he lived by it with heart and soul. And now, he was ready.

[mezz09]

Rauko watched patiently as the lanky man turned, first changing course more towards the girl, then again, facing back towards the alley. After a little looking, the lanky man seemed to clock Rauko. He walked towards Rauko, seeming to be in deep thought, and Rauko considered his intention. Probably trying to remove witnesses. The smell of death implied that this man wasn't averse to killing, so there was a good chance Rauko would have to defend himself. But Rauko wasn't an idiot. He glanced round the alleyway for anything that he could use to his advantage, making mental note of the mug in his hand.

But a fight was not what Rauko wanted right now. He was here to find ways to stop fighting between races, and whatever race this man was, it probably wasn't the same as him. Besides, he had no idea how strong this man was, and he looked like the type to use magic. Instead, Rauko went with a different plan. As the man came close, Rauko mustered his strength.

And he forced onto his face a big friendly smile. He was a barman, he needed to have a good fake smile for work anyway. Then, in his friendliest voice he spoke, although it wasn't enough to mask his weariness. "Mornin'," he started. "Or evenin'... Or whatever bloody time o' day it is." he chuckled. People tended to like chuckling in an awkward situation like this. His hood was still up, but his face was visible, he was only hiding his hair anyway. "Th' name's Ralph. Ralph Pinedell. I ducked down this alley for some shade, but there 'aint nothing down 'ere. What's you lookin' for me friend?"

[Troubled-Crow]

As Warren approached, the man seemed to bristle slightly. Probably getting ready. He smiled inwardly. He liked that in people. And then the man smiled. It was fake. It was good, a very, very good mask, but Warren could tell. Still, at least he was trying to please Warren.

"Good day, brothar." He said, The note in his accent making Warren cringe. He hated it. If he didn't overpronounce his r's, then he would have the most disturbing voice. But it would seem the gods had punished him, with this curl. The man chuckled, and Warren smiled. Only a curl of the mouth, for this was all that Warren could manage at times like this. "Times like normal life." Warren thought to himself.

"What I'm looking for? Oh I was just wondering if you knew that man. Ovar thar." Warren smiled pleasantly, thought in his mind, he cursed the gods under all the names of the sun for his tounge.

[mezz09]

Ignoring the odd twinge in the tall mans voice, Rauko leaned round the tall man and looked over at the silver haired man again. His cloak waved at the bottom like fire. It was kinda cool. "Never met him before, me friend." He glanced again. "Like his cloak though." It was an odd thing for the tall man to ask. Was he an assassin hired to kill the silver haired guy? It would explain the smell of death. It seemed logical. He leaned over again. "If you plan on killin' 'im, can I get 'is cloak?"

sorry it's short. not much to say =/

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren smiled at the comment of his clothing. He had noticed the strange cloak also, but payed no real attention to it. And then he asked the question he had dreaded. The one all witnessess ask in the end. No matter what form, they ask it. And depending on that form, Warren decided what to do.

Relief filled his body as he heard the man ask for the cloak after his job. He laughed lowly, and whispered "I'm just protecting the childrarn, brothar. I get a few things in the process."

[mezz09]

Protecting the children!? Rauko repeated in his head. This man's weirder than I am! he chuckled, to buy the time to ponder his response. "Well, children are our future an' all that, but you don't seem the type to protect them." He paused for a moment and looked over once again. "But I reckon he ain't doin' 'er no harm. I'd say he's just hirin' 'er for summit." He allowed his accent to get heavier, as the friendly farmers in his area had particularly strong accents and were almost universally trusted. People that knew the accent, trusted it.

Incase you can't tell, it's a Somerset farmers accent. dropping the t's and g's while accentuating the r's. 'Summit' is a Somerset way of saying 'Something'

also, gosbel's been gone for a few days, he might be gone.

[Troubled-Crow]

Indeed. Do you think we should make a seperate thread, or continue on this one?

Warren's nose wrinkled. He hated 3 things. The first, was bieng contradicted. And the second was someone calling his job redundant. The third didn't matter at the moment. As long as he had a purpose for his job, then he was fine. But this man proved to be a 'everything's fine' sort of man. His accent only amplified that fact.

Something grey caught Warren's eye. Med. "You can come out." I sent to him, the message giving me the fuzzy feeling as it always did. Med nodded, and shambled over, looking up at the man. Med wrinkled his nose. "Demon..." The message shot to me, covered in asking marks and suspicion. My eyes shot up, and suddendly, the mood changed. I tried not to show it. "That's all very well, brothar, but I believe, that the children need protecting. And if they want it, they'll find it."

[mezz09]

I'm gonna say stay here and treat him as an NPC, possibly kill him off then start a new thread.

"They needs it, sure, alot of the time," Rauko said, starting to frown quite heavily, "But I don't think she's having any trouble there. She's only gettin' 'im some cash." Rauko paused and considered what he'd just said. "Although, tha' should prob'ly be 'er money... Maybe she does need our help." The tall guy seemed a little annoying, but he also seemed to have good morals and was apparently quite clever. Perhaps Rauko could like him after all. "Wan' me to lure 'im down 'ere? Maybe give yer a han' with the kiddy-scammin'-scum?" He tapped his sword with one hand and his shield with another, just to point out that he was armed.

"Or..." He started, now getting his bag out. "We could stay 'ere..." He paused, fumbling around in it, then pulled out a bottle, "'ave a good strong drink..." He put the bottle on the floor and went back to rummaging, before pulling out a smaller bag. "And maybe a bit of a smoke?" He grinned in an attempt to look enticing. It would be alot more fun to follow his plan.

[Troubled-Crow]

At the request of the drink and smoke, Warren immeadiatley frowned. "I don't drink, or smoke, demon, and neither should you. We should just kill the bastard." I snarled, ripping his hood down to his shoulders, revealing the horns. Med had the smuggest smile on his face since he stole all of Warren's food from under his nose on a camping trip. But Med's thoughts were flashed with fear. This demon was obviously bigger then Med, and Ruako was armed. Two vs one wasn't that bad, but what if the other man joined in? I doubt the girl would take any side either.
Warren stared him straight in the eye, and smiled creepily. "Secrets do not stay hidden oft, when your with Warren Cain."

[mezz09]

Rauko was shocked at the word 'demon,' but it was soon replaced by outrage as his hood was ripped down. It was the grim grin and the 3rd person statement that pushed him over the edge. He pulled in a deep breath, snarled, started to bare his teeth, and somehow seemed to grow larger. A huge gust of wind blew a chill down the alley from the far side of Warren to Rauko, along with a putrid and sulphurous smell. Still breathing in and growing, his hair stood on end. His skin seemed to tan and he was now as tall as Warren, and still in proportion. He grew a little taller and blocked out alot of the light. Finally his eyes glowed red and he stopped growing, now around 8" tall.

He growled loudly, before speaking in an enormous, bellowing, deep voice, that seemed to be 3 voices at once, without even moving his mouth. How Dare You! he shouted, before allowing flames to lash from his fingertips. As If It Weren't Bad Enough That You Insult My Lifestyle And My Source Of Income, this booming voice had no noticeable accent whatsoever, and was instead a clean but bellowing sound. You Then Have The Nerve To Judge Me On My Fathers Race, Ignoring My Despicable Elven Mother! The giant demonic image spat on the floor, but the spittle turned to steam before it landed.

And Without Waiting To Take Another Breath From Your First Insult You Feel The Right To Give Me An Order. He reached out towards the now seemingly short man and shoved a finger as thick as a normal man's forearm in his face. But Then You Have Cross The Line And Pull Down My Hood?! A flame blasted from the enormous finger and through Warrens head, doing no harm, but feeling as though it had. Nobody, And I Mean Nobody, Touches my Hood...

Rauko breathed out, and a gust of wind blew in the opposite direction, taking with it the stench. The light retuned and Rauko retuned to normal size, his hair returned to normal and his arm re-angled so that his finger was in the same position, all within the blink of an eye. "Well, not if they wanna survive atleast." he added, his voice back to normal, then he passed out from exhaustion.

[Troubled-Crow]

Warren tried. He really did. But he was utterly stunned by this act of power. It was an illousion. It had to be. Only the great Revanant could so something like this! Who was this...
Warren took a step back as the thing began to scream at him, and Med took off all togther. His eyes were as wide as saucers, and his mouth was a straight line of utter, emotionless terror. As the former Rauko spat on the ground, Warren flinched for the fifth time in his entire life. He fumbled for his knives, before screaming in pain as fire passed through his head. He kneeled down, and whimpered as Ruako came back from the creature, and continued what the beast was saying. After about a minute of disbelief, and shaking, he stood back up, coughing. "Well. Let's go kill him then!" He said quietly, let alone nervously.

[Revenant]

Full rubric, full commentary requested.

STORY

Continuity (2) – The Gospel Speaks was really the only one to give any sort of back story for his character, and that was unclear and confusing. Mezz09, you did mention your character’s elven mother/demon father bit at least, but why is your character in the town? Why does he have such a high tolerance for alcohol? Troubled-Crow, I know nothing of your character of who Med is. To get a better score here, a reader should be able to get an idea of who your characters are and what they are capable of without having to read their profiles.

Setting (1) – You were in an alleyway in a town, that’s all I got for the setting. For all I know, this thread could have taken place in the middle of nowhere during day or night. mezz09 even points this out in one of his posts! None of you really made the setting a part of the thread.

Pacing (1) – The posts here were short and snippy. Don’t be in such a rush to reply and take your time to paint a picture for the reader of what’s going on and how it’s happening. A good pace should get a reader into the flow of the writing and pull them through the story. If you are going to use OOC comments through the thread, take the time to go back and edit them out before submitting to clean the posts up.

CHARACTER

Dialogue (2) – The dialogue here is really clipped and shifts around quite a bit as character adopt different accents or ways of talking almost mid-post.

Action (2) – Most of the action in this thread revolves around smiling and chuckling. Action doesn’t have to mean heart-racing combat or chases over moonlit rooftops. Have your character move around, fidget with things in their hands, and interact with the world around them. Use your words to give your character personality through the way they move.

Persona (2) – I understood the foundations of what was going on in Warren’s head and why his actions were the way they were but there was nothing solid coming from Rauko. Take your time and flesh out your character’s motivations and then have them act accordingly.

WRITING STYLE

Technique (1) – This thread was little more than broken dialogue.

Mechanics (1) – Numerous spelling and grammatical errors littered this thread. Many of them would be caught by a simple spell-check if the time had been taken to run one. Proofreading is key to raising this score.

Clarity (2) – I often questioned exactly what your characters meant. There’s no need to be cryptic in your posts.

WILD CARD

Wild Card (1)

TOTAL: 15

Troubled-Crow, your first post was almost 4 months after this thread had gone idle. It would have made far more sense to have started a new thread and would have made for a much better read. That aside, this thread was really rushed and lacking in description. It often takes time to develop and get a good feel for your characters so don’t feel the need to rush things. Those things aside, don’t feel too discouraged by the low score and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have. I hope to see more of your writings on Althanas.

The Gospel Speaks gets 43 exp and 10 gp.
Troubled-Crow gets 100 exp and 45 gp.
Mezz09 gets 100 exp and 40 gp.

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP added