Crash landing in underwood (retry/solo)

[The gospel speaks]

Lucien stared angrily at the council before him as they decided his fate. "Kill him!" roared one lord, who Lucien noticed, was the one who he wronged. The others kept their cool and discussed other punishments. "Lets just Put him in the O ring for 1000 years." Lucien cringed, he had heard rumors of the O ring. Technically it would be referred to as the oblivion ring, and it was a vile abomination. It forced the being inside out of one reality, and into another. he had heard from those who had been in it, and apparently it was excruciatingly painful. Eventually the high king and rose. "Lucien gospel, you have been a friend to every king of Arkon for roughly 7000 years. You have turned the tides of our most hopeless battles against destruction, we were willing to look past some of your crimes, but insulting one of our own by sleeping with his wife, I'm afraid we can't ignore this without causing a nasty war. But there is hope for you, we will not kill you, to do so would be foolish. Instead you shall be sent to another realm via the Oblivion ring." Lucien scowled, something he did often. "For how long?" he inquired in his charmingly smooth voice. "You will spend 1000 years there." the high king replied. Lucien smiled as the guards grabbed him by the back of his robes, hauling him off his feet. "Oh by the way, from what she said, I was way better than you could ever be." he said grinning at the king he had offended. The council gasped, except for the high king, instead he was grinning ear to ear, barely containing his laughter. "Oh how we will miss you Lucien." he barely managed to say without laughing.
...
Lucien was sat in a new chair, which compared to the old one, was like sitting on nails. "Can I get a cushion?" he asked one of the large men sarcastically, to his surprise one of them grunted in a somewhat civilized manner. "Ignore the chair, this trip shall hurt like hell." the guards then placed an amulet over his head. "This will pull you back in 1000 years so don't lose it, also be careful, you may not land in a civilized world. Be on guard at all times." then they stepped back. Lucien gasped as a ring of steel rose from the ground around him. He barely had time to read the runes as the device activated, but he knew what they were. The words were his fathers dieing message. Go forth into the unknown and serve for your sins. the words were truly meant for him, but the others didn't know his past, nor did his family. The air around him crackled with energy and then Pop. He wasn't there anymore.
...
Lucien shot into the air and then the pain started again. This time he felt a tear, and he split into two. Facing him was a mirror image of himself, but his hair was black, and his eyes a deep crimson. The two stared at each other, and then flew off crashing into two parts off the world.
...
Lucien gospel swore as he grabbed at the branches of the Forrest as he fell. he grabbed a branch and sighed as he stopped his fall. He lifted himself and looked around. "Well this sucks....."

[The gospel speaks]

Lucien swore angrily as he climbed the tree. His swearing could be heard all along the forest, then he reached the top of the tree and sighed. Off in the distance he saw a town. He checked every direction and saw nothing else in the distance, so he decided to head that way...

Thunder boomed over the remains of what was once a majestic mountain. Now buried in its remains was another figure. He stirred and opened his hateful crimson eyes. He smiled and faded into a swirling black mist.

The council of kings watched Lucien incredibly disturbed. "Did he just split?" one of the kings asked incredulously, "He did" the high king responded. "I think he might just do it..." he muttered to himself.

Lucien wandered into town slowly and sat in the pub, not knowing where to go. He would have to gain new skills in order to survive in this new world. His powers were weaker, and wouldn't help him at all. He would need some coin in order to survive. He looked around, perhaps it was time for a class change.

[The gospel speaks]

Lucien sighed holding his head in his hands, his elbows resting on the table he sat at. To his surprise he saw a waiter heading his way with a plate of what looked to be meat, and a tall flask of a beer of sorts. He watched the waiter set it down puzzled. "This must be for someone else, I haven't ordered anything." he said frowning. "It's on the lady over there." He said gesturing to a woman across the pub. She had blond hair, and pale skin. She wore a formfitting leather outfit. When she caught Lucien looking she smiled revealing white teeth. After a cursory glance he gleamed one thing, she was wealthier than most. He scarfed down the food and drained the drink quickly. When he was done she strutted over and sat down. "Thank you for the food, now might I ask why you fed me?" Lucien asked her. She smiled, "Well a few of my men saw you fall in the forest. They told me, and from what they said it looked like something they had read somewhere. They thought you were from another world." Lucien chuckled, "I am from another world, I have been 'Exiled from existence'" He replied smiling at her. She smirked and met his gaze. "I never got your name." he said trying to put the charm on, sadly his charm was almost gone fro lack of use. She picked up the idea and smiled, "I'm Liliana, leader of a rouge group that makes it's base in the forest. Now I'm not sure but you look like you need a job. I would be willing to let you join us to get on your feet."
...
Lucien wandered out of the bar with Liliana and headed to the forest. To most watchers it appeared they had decided to hook up, but instead they walked deep into the forest and took a left. They continued taking turns until they had lost any followers. then they knocked on a tree three times. Three rouges appeared from their hiding places and guided the two to the main entrance to the base. They came to a rock covered in moss. "This is a rock..." Lucien said confused. Liliana laughed and pushed it back revealing a trap door. One of the rouges opened it up and let Liliana and Lucien climb down.
...

[The gospel speaks]

Two weeks later
Lucien sat in a tall tree and watched Liliana work. She distracted marks with her looks, then picked their pockets. Once the wallet was gone Lucien would place a convincing illusion there in it's place. Turns out Lucien had become a vital asset to Liliana and her thieves. He also had a lot of pull now. He smirked to himself. Here he was two weeks in and he had already found a way to make a living. "Why are you smirking?" he jumped. Liliana had climbed up onto a branch above him silently. "Why are you spying on me?" he replied smiling. The two exchanged glances and smiled. He watched as she wrapped her legs around her branch and flipped over to stare at him upside down. "I watch you because I want to, any questions?" she said coolly, as if she hung upside down a lot. He heard a shout, and they both turned to see what the commotion was about. One of the rouges had been caught stealing rolls from the baker. Lucien raised his hand to try to cast an illusion so he could get away, but Liliana stopped him. "He'll be fine." She then bent forward, her face even with his. Over the two weeks she had gotten progressively friendlier with him. Lucien had tried to ignore that because he almost had enough to live off of for a few months, he was debating when to leave. He didn't want to let her get too close, and then break her heart when he left. "Kiss me." she said smirking. This threw him off guard. "What?" he asked confused by her bluntness. she released her legs and grabbed the branch he was on, she dropped then spun back onto the limb. "I've spent two weeks trying to be subtle, but you're too dense. Kiss me." He paused, "Listen Liliana, I like you a lot, it's just-" He was cut off when she pressed her lips to his. "Whats wrong, afraid to love and leave?" she asked pulling herself closer to him. Her breath was warm on his face, he could see straight into the sapphire pools she had for eyes. "I jus-" he was cut off as she kissed him again. "Stop talking, I don't care if your going to leave soon, in fact if you do leave I want to go as far as I can with you before then." Lucien frowned. "Liliana, I'm sorry." he rolled away from her, she stared at him as he climbed down the tree. "Liliana..." he sighed and walked away. Marking an end to his time with her and her thieves. He didn't know what it was, but the part of him that used to treat women like toys was gone. The feeling made him uncomfortable, then he was tackled. "Lucien don't go without my parting gift!" Liliana said as she climbed off of him. She took a sheathe off of her back and handed it to him. He unsheathed it and examined it. It was a curved steel dagger with a small ruby set in the hilt. Then she handed him a bag. He opened it to see some provisions for traveling. "until next time" she said frowning. "Perhaps I will come back after seeing some of the world." he said giving her a quick kiss. "Until then don't send assassins my way ok?" he turned and walked down the road. Would he come back here? He had no idea. Why was he leaving the woman of his life behind? He didn't know. Something was calling him somewhere else. As he left Underwood he felt a weird nagging in the back of his heart, he felt he shouldn't be leaving, that he would never return. But he shrugged it off.

[The gospel speaks]

Alright since I'm ending this thread here I have two drop requests. The dagger Lucien received at the end, and a pair of rings he found in the supply bag. If that's too much please tell me. I would really like the rings for Lucien's story in the future.
Drop requests.

[Silence Sei]

• STORY ~

(5/30)


Continuity (2/10) ~ I have no idea who Lucien Gospel is as a person. I have no idea why he’s being banned other than he slept with a kings wife. This was your first quest to state who Lucien was and why he was here. What crimes had he commited in the past that his father was telling him about? What things were ‘overlooked’ by the council of kings? Stuff like that helps us get into contact with Luciens past, and as such get in touch with Lucien as a character.

Setting (2/10) ~ You’re descriptions were not good. Be sure to try and go into detail about where you’re at. If you fell in a forest, smell the dirt and notice falling leaves (provided it’s fall), if you’re in a bar, listen to the sounds of merriment and drunkardness, as well as the smell and the feelings of the area. How good was the meat when Lucien ate it?

Pacing (1/10) You got a 1 because I don’t believe in giving out 0s. You went instantly from one thing to the next without any sort of decent transistion. Likewise, Lilliana’s falling for the man within two weeks is a bit much to absorb, as well as Lucien describing her as ‘The woman of his life’. Considering Lucien is over 7,000 years old, I’m sure he has had –plenty- of women in his life.
• CHARACTER ~
(7/30)


Dialogue (3/10) ~ The dialogue seemed rather strange in this quest. The way Lucien was just willing to give up all his information to Lilliana was hard to believe, but then Lilliana decided to tell Lucien she lead a group of bandits? How did she not know he was with the guard? You have to think about details like this when you’re writing. James Bond never walked up to the villain and said ‘I plan on bringing down your entire empire in under 2 hours.’ Discretion is the better part of valor.

Action (1/10) ~ There really wasn’t much action, so to speak, considering the quest was only 4 posts long. Be sure to incorporate more detail into things like using illusions to hide people in invisibility. Note how they slowly fade into nothingness to the other person’s eyes, or completely blip off of the range of vision. Don’t just ‘eat the food and walk up’, take a few minutes to describe how good or bad the meat is, while Lucien reflects on the act of kindness.

Persona (2/10) ~ There was no emotion or lack of emotion that I gathered from here. Lilliana seemed to be in love, but you didn’t detail why, you just skipped ahead two weeks? What did the two do when they spent time together? What makes Lilliana and Lucien so attracted to one another?

WRITING STYLE ~

(6/40)

Mechanics (1/10) ~ Various spelling and punctuation errors. Be sure to double space a start of a sentence. Make sure to capitalize the start of a sentence as well. It would do wonders if you ran your posts through Microsoft Word or some other spell check before you posted them. They help, but the task of making sure the thread is flawless is up to you.

Technique (1/10) ~ If some sort of literary device was here, I couldn’t see it.

Clarity (1/10) ~ I couldn’t understand a lot of the things in your posts. I mean, the basic ideas got across, but I asked myself all of the questions I have been asking you throughout this judgement. Unfortunately, they were left unanswered in this instance. Try to make your writing a little bit clearer so the people reading it will enjoy it easier.
Wild Card (3/10) ~ I absolutely hate giving out anything below a 5 to anybody, but if it helps them become better roleplayers, it will be worth it. Please note that most threads have to be at least 10 posts or 10,000 words to be judged. I make exceptions at the cost of half the exp/gp you’d get, but most other judges won’t be so kind.
Final Score 18/100

Gospel gets 5 GP, 40 Exp, and his rings are approved, not able for resale and iron in tier. The dagger is also approved, though upon further inspection it is rather chipped and nearly useless to the point of a few good stabs will break the blade. It too is iron, albeit rusted.

Please don't be disheartened by my judgement. Keep it up and you'll get the hang of it. I will be more than happy to roleplay with you as Sei.

[Silence Sei]

GP-Exp added.

[The gospel speaks]

Thanks sei, Where is Sei located at this moment in time?

[Silence Sei]

Just a note Gospel, most of the time these threads are closed once the judgement is made. I just don't have mod powers in Underwood as far as that goes. Talk like this is more suited for Private MEssaging, or PMs

Sei is anywhere you need him to be, though he's typically around Radasanth in Corone.