Can I get some feedback?

[Break the silence]

Right now I'm in the process of writing A metal man and a monkey and I would love some feedback. Mostly I want constructive feedback on my writing style. I would also like comments on the characters and the story. Please feel free to be as open as possible.
Here's the link http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=21298

[SirArtemis]

Outside it was raining buckets, the loud pit-pattering of the rain echoing off the roof.

Well right away one of the things I notice is the phrase "raining buckets," which I personally don't feel strongly about. On top of that, you don't need to mention that it's rain which is pit-pattering, since you already mentioned that it's raining in the same sentence, thus it's implied.

Also, I'm a bit lost at you mentioning that Dark is 68, given that the profile on the left has him listed as only 21. Not to mention that I just read about Chroma the other day on the registration page, and unless you are writing this in the manner of coming back to it much later down the road, it makes me confused. I'm missing the middle. It's like I went from the book cover to the last page. If this is done with details that haven't quite happened yet, it may fall apart when you are writing it, but I see what you are trying to do.


Both had strong drinks in their hands, both had glum looks on their faces.

Again, redundancy. This could also be said as "Both had strong drinks in their hands and glum expressions" or something like that. Of course, it may have been intentional.


Both frowned, it stunk, both had been such great friends, and had so many great adventures together, it was cruel that Chroma would have to put his friend in the ground, cruel.

This seems to occur somewhat frequently in your writing style. You connect separate thoughts and sentences into one run-on. I would have personally written it as follows:
"Both frowned at the thought. They had become such great friends during their many adventures together. The idea of burying his friend in the ground was too cruel a concept for Chroma to bear."



TYPO SECTION:
"How long do I have left Chroma?" the old rouge asked his cyborg friend.
rogue, not rouge
But Chroma knew the luagh had been for his benefit.
laugh, not luagh
It had been after a huge spring storm, branches had been thrown through the air like javelins as his father carriage slowly made it's way to the sleepy town of Underwood.
father's carriage?
The whores had all really been mothers to him, and he had grown up in the worst part of Rasadath.
I believe it's Radasath



That's all from the first post, and I only made it barely over half way through, so I get a pretty good feel for it I think. I would recommend going back over your work to check for typos, to check for commas, proper apostrophe usage (possessives), and ensuring that you don't use run-ons. There are times where you throw in an extra word that throws off the meaning of the sentence as well, like the following:
Dark grudgingly agreed, so his father went and talked the lord into not to pressing charges.

The "into not to" would be better left without the to at the end, for example.

After you have taken care of some of the mechanics, minor flaws and typos, then I can go back and read more of it for story. However, it's hard for me to read through something if there are too many flaws.


I hope that helps. Let me know when you make edits and I'll go back through it.