What is Average?

[SirArtemis]

(Closed to Shade)


Artemis had taken a liking to The Citadel. The monks allowed his imagination to create environments and explore new boundaries. Not only this, but if ever there was a place to gamble with your life and test your combat skills, this was the epitome of training grounds.

Approaching the monks, and in an odd mood, Artemis had his own ideas for an arena today. The premise was simple: everything was average.

"I wonder what the monks will come up with given such simple instructions."

Artemis began to imagine all of the possibilities as he walked to the door, hand on one of his daggers, thumb rubbing the engraving of the word "VIRTUE" on the base of the hilt.

As he approached the door, the monks' vision seemed to show itself. The door to the entryway was plain and wooden, and turning the knob revealed what looked like the living room of the average person's home.

Shutting the door behind him and looking around, the simplicity of the room began to take shape, and the vagabond let a smile form on his face.

The room was a square, about twenty feet across in each direction. The ceiling was about eight feet high. In the far corner to his right was a circular dinner table five feet across, also made of wood. There were three chairs surrounding the table. To the left in the near corner was a small twin-size bed with a nightstand by it. All along the walls were several lanterns, candles flickering within.

Letting out a sigh, the young man took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the seemingly limitless oak surrounding him.

"Oh average, how I missed you. Let's see if my opponent is as average as the rest of the room."

[uttam123]

I go toward the citadel hiding myself to guards on the way. After I get close enough I bow to a monk and say"Average is far from me but ill step it down a bit to become average just make sure my enemy knows who I am". The Monk nodded so I entered and saw a man standing. "whats your name and rules of the match or is it no rules?" I said as I sat down but still towered over the man.

[SirArtemis]

As the door creaked open, it showed the average quality of the hinges on which the door hung. Stepping through was a giant of a man, yet he wasn't a man. It was an elf, and one who needed to slouch in order to even enter the establishment.

'What the hell is that?' He thought to himself.

The elf took his seat at the dinner table and prompted for the rules of the match. He had hair as black as coal and his eyes glowed faintly in the well-lit room. Massive by any standards, the vagabond found himself looking up at the figure even as he sat. He wore a black cloak that covered nearly all of his body, which made Artemis wonder what he hid beneath it.

"Well," Artemis began, pulling out his two daggers. "I suppose an average duel will do. Melee combat and no magic; does that sound fair?

[uttam123]

"In my case what does no magic mean Im not sure if mine are Magic or Physical" I say in confusion. It seems Artemis is your name a fellow duel wielder.
"lets see if u can do a 2 on 1"I say chuckling.

[SirArtemis]

Artemis let his arms relax, hanging by his side in a bit of frustration and confusion. He honestly could not pinpoint what was wrong with his opponent. It was incredibly difficult to follow what he was saying, and his intentions were even harder to understand. The questions he asked were absurd.

"Uh..." he began cautiously, raising an eyebrow as he spoke. "I suppose no magic means... no... magic... of any kind? You know, a knife fight? Cling-clang sort of stuff?"

He hit his daggers against themselves, like sharpening a knife, to accentuate the point. It felt like he was speaking with a child. A very tall child.

"And the two on one thing... I don't quite understand that either. All I see is you, sitting there, in a chair far too small for you, speaking as if this is your ... well definitely not your first language. Care to elaborate?"

[uttam123]

"Well I don't elaborate as you see, but I do understand cling-clang stuff so ill be happy to fight only physically" I said a little hurt from what Artemis said.

I looked Artemis straight in the eyes it seems he had a bad past and didn't mask it like the tall person sitting in to small of a chair for himself. I haven't had much prowess in fighting one on ones but it seems some time ill have to just be me and my 2 poison tipped daggers."remember Artemis if my dagger touches you even you will get nauseous and weakened but you wont die since you have endurance" I said sternly with a little snicker.

Well enough talk lets go straight into the fight.

[SirArtemis]

Artemis bowed, laughing inside at the fact that the room was too short for the man to even stand up.

'This should be amusing'

He took up his stance, charging toward the man. "Sounds good to me!" He yelled as he leaped at the elf who still sat in the chair.

Daggers poised out in front of him, he could not see how the elf would dodge from a sitting position, as Artemis flew with the blades in front of him.

[uttam123]

I chuckled as he lunged at me “here how about this young solider” I said slowly as I grabbed both of the daggers and threw them away with Artemis behind them. I unsheathed my daggers and ran straight at him daggers poised for a direct attack on his head and arm.
As this happened it worried me that he might be like Jerome. The slow rumble coming from the ground where he was showed he wasn’t light on his feet. I just have to show no fear like a monk once said “fear is not fear if you can scare it”.

[SirArtemis]

Artemis was disoriented by what had just occurred. Apparently, his opponent had grabbed his daggers with bare hands and used them to toss Artemis aside. As he collided with the wooden wall, daggers on the ground after being torn from his grip, Artemis stared at the approaching shade. As his vision recovered, he managed to look up just in time to see a shimmering blade thrust its way into his face.

The dagger went right through Artemis' eye, severing his brain with every millimeter that it cut through. Had the vagabond had any brain function remaining, he would have heard the thud of the dagger as it made its home in the average wooden wall behind the now open skull.

It seemed the day had been quite average, though this didn't help his mood. Maybe he would wake up in an average bed with an average meal, only to go back to a somewhat average routine.

If anything, maybe the dagger had nicked the part of his brain that made him feel so down, and when the monks healed him, his mood would be better.

[uttam123]

I was stunned as I looked at my dagger with part of his blood on it. It phased me too that he was stunned when I threw him. I guess I will have to pay for brain damages and leave it too that. What intrigued me the most that his brain only got nipped and still it didn't die out from the poison injected from my dagger to his brain.

"Im thinking of fighting you again soon Artemis very soon" I said as my robe whipped around and I left.

[Atzar]

Quest Judging
What is Average?

I don’t really know what to say.

You guys threw this thread together in one night, and it showed. Uttam, I’d like to make a request: take some time to read through our FAQ, and skim through the ‘Crystal Ball’ subforum a little bit. I’d like you to get acquainted with our rules and our style of writing; a lot of the mistakes in this thread could have been avoided had you gotten a good handle on the rules first.

This thread will score low; I won’t lie to you. The best thing you can do is to take my words as advice and an attempt to help you get better, rather than as an insult. It isn’t my intention to offend you or make you give up; rather, I want to help you improve.

I’m going to be aiming the majority of my comments at Uttam rather than Artemis in this judgment. With that said, if either player has questions or wants me to elaborate, feel free to contact me.

Sir Artemis/Uttam123

STORY

Continuity: Continuity is the ‘why’ of the story: why is the story taking place? Why are the characters there? Why do the events take place? I got a good effort at this category from Artemis – he likes the Citadel and views it as a great place to train – but absolutely nothing from Uttam. Your character needs a reason to be here, a reason to fight. I didn’t even see an attempt to include this in your posts. The more original, the better – training is an adequate excuse, but is overused, and higher scores in this category will be reserved for better stories than “Hi, who are you? Pardon me, but I will be killing you now.”
5/1

Setting: This category was a little better. There were occasional mentions of the environment here – you sat in the chair, and you noted the blood on your dagger at the end. These were good, but you need much more. For instance, aside from a chair and a bloody dagger, I would have had no idea where you were fighting had it not been for Artemis’s description. Also, you ignored the fact that the room was eight feet tall – your ten-foot-plus elf wouldn’t have been able to stand up in the room!
6/2

Pacing: “So, how are we going to do this?” “No magic.” No magic?” “No magic.” STAB THROW STAB DIE END.

That was this thread in a nutshell. There was no substance here, no attempt at anything remotely resembling suspense or detail. As a result, the thread was WAAAAY too short. I literally was able to read the thread in fifteen minutes (and I’m a slow reader when I judge). This comes back to the ‘continuity’ category: since there was little backstory aside from Artemis’s desire to further his training, there was no story to use to put some more meat on the bones of this thread.
3/1

CHARACTER

Dialogue: Uttam, the dialogue in a thread should be believable. Would you actually say the lines that your character says? Probably not. Your lines of dialogue tend to be gigantic run-on sentences. While perfect grammar is certainly not expected in dialogue (nobody talks the way they write), that doesn’t mean you can throw the rules out entirely.

Artemis, it seems like your character either has a habit of talking to himself or else some of his spoken lines should be thoughts instead. Just picking nits, I suppose, since you were otherwise good in this category – your character’s reactions to some of Shade’s lines were funny.
6/2

Action: You can’t roleplay the other person’s actions for them unless they give you permission within the thread. When you threw Artemis across the room without giving him an opportunity to dodge the strike, that’s known as powergaming. This is one of those things you would have been able to avoid had you glanced over the rules first; it’s one of the biggest rules on our site. Because of that, along with the general unrealism of your actions, I can’t give you any points here.

Artemis, this is one place where the lack of effort really shown through. There was no attempt to prolong the thread or add in some suspense or drama; you could have ducked to avoid Shade’s strike (among other things), but instead you chose to end the thread. Also, I thought the amount of thinking you did with a sharp object through your brain was very unrealistic – I know I wouldn’t be thinking about whether my mood would improve later if it happened to me.
3/0

Persona: Shade was full of himself, but otherwise had little personality. This is something you can work on by just brainstorming a little bit. Is he good or evil? Shy or outgoing? Blunt or tactful? Optimistic or cynical? Once you’ve given your character a life of his own, you need to stop and think about how he’d react to the situation. If you present your character’s personality effectively, you’ve done your job. It should be noted that this may be the hardest category in the judgment to score high in. Just keep working with this character, keep trying to improve.
5/2

WRITING STYLE

Technique: For now, just keep writing and focus on perfecting your grammar and mechanics. As soon as you do that, you can start thinking about more advanced methods of writing.

Artemis: you can do better, but I’ll chalk that up to needing to put more effort into the thread, rather than actually needing to improve.
5/2

Mechanics: Artemis, your end of this fight was great in this category – I found one mistake, and it was a very minor one at that. As before, more effort throughout the quest will yield the highest marks here.

Uttam, start by choosing a tense – most people go with third person past tense, which looks like this: “Shade walked up to the Citadel.” You can work with first person, but make sure you choose either past or present tense (I’d suggest past) and stay with it through the entire thread. Aside from that, it would have helped you to read some of the work done by others on the site to get a sense of how much effort people here put into their work. Most people typically post at least a few paragraphs per post, but it’s not about length – these paragraphs are full of necessary information, including thoughts, emotions, actions, environment interaction and more. Making an effort to include these things in your posts will go a long way toward improving your score.

Start with the pointers I’ve given you here – once you’ve improved on this, we can work on other things.
7/2

Clarity: Solid on Artemis’s side, but Shade’s part was tough to read in some areas – especially dialogue. As I said before, make sure your character talks in a believable way, and make sure to put more effort into your posts. When I can read your posts and figure out what’s happening, where it’s happening, and how it’s happening, you’ll score high here. That wasn’t always the case in your posts.
6/3

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card: 4/3

TOTAL: 50/16

Congratulations to the winner, SirArtemis. Both of you can feel free to contact me if you have questions: I’m always available via PM, and my AIM handle is Ark Ether.

SirArtemis receives 500 EXP and 75 GP.
Uttam123 receives 50 EXP and 50 GP.

Uttam, since it's not realistic to carry a chair around with you, I'm not giving you the chair as a spoil. Having said that, plenty of environments have chairs in them - throw one of those, if you must.

[Taskmienster]

Do not post in a thread that is completed, either by the players and waiting for a judge... or after a judgment. Uttam. If you have something to say, PM the mod with your questions about the judgment, your writing, or whatever it is you can't figure out after reading the rules, FAQ, and a few other threads to see how they wrote and how it was judged. That should help.

Exp and GP added.