Hen Wlad Workshop

[Zerith]

Seems like Jennifer Oakley has asked for a Workshop for the recently completed thread, Hen Wlad. (http://althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=21178)

So this thread will be open for two weeks. During this period it would be awesome if you guys would read it and then come here to post your comments/criticisms about it. After the two weeks are up a consensed rubric will be posted along with contributor rewards. Let's try to keep all the feedback positive, okay?

Thanks alot for you time!

[SirArtemis]

Okay cap'n, let's get started. RUBRIC ME!


Story:

Overall I understood the story for the most part. However, I will say that I still found myself lost at times. I'll get back to this later on. The setting itself could have been described differently. You like to use specifics but if the reader doesn't know what those specifics mean, the attempt gets lost. For example, a sycamore tree is a specific type of tree, but if i don't know what that tree looks like, i'm likely to just default to a plain tree with brown bark and green leaves to fill the void. I think it might help for you to specify by describing the sycamore trees to really establish the setting. The pace itself seemed good but also rather quick. I feel like this 21-post thread lasted all but a few minutes. I feel like it was rushed to the point, as if you just wanted to bind the thing and be done with it. I would have liked a bit more background rather than the one post of "one day earlier" which even that left me confused and distorted. That could have been placed at a different point or implemented differently that wouldn't have hurt the pacing so much, since it somewhat lost me.

Character:

I got somewhat of an understanding as to who the characters were, but there were still some that I had no understanding of. I think the tree had more personality than Jennifer herself. Her little Herculean companion also seemed empty, and her two masks, and even the character that you bind to yourself. Everything felt so... simple and to the point. I couldn't even give a personality to Jennifer herself. The dialogue was somewhat pleasant at times but mostly it seemed somewhat... forced... again as if you simply had an agenda for the thread and wanted to achieve it as quickly as possible. The action was sometimes hard to follow as well, with the descriptions losing me. It made me feel like I was watching a movie that kept skipping scenes... and I had to fill in the blanks.

Writing Style:

I think this has a lot to do with why I had trouble with your thread. I really enjoyed the story but i felt like I got scammed almost. There could have been so much more done with this. I could have read this as a 30 page chapter in a book and enjoyed it thoroughly, but it was so simplified that it left me unsatisfied. You seem to love using fancy words, many of which I have to look up in a dictionary before continuing, and not only does it hurt the pace but it also hurts the clarity. Your mechanics were fine but you had plenty of little mistakes that could be avoided by rereading. Redundancy, typos, missing or extra words, poor punctuation, stuff like that. But the real thing for me with this is the clarity. It was really hard to interpret at times and it slowed down the movie in my head when I had to pause to figure out what the hell was going on, either by rereading or by using a dictionary. It feels like you write with a thesaurus open in another tab.


Overall:

I liked the story, but as I said, I feel like it could have been done much better by adding more to it. Give me some more background as to how you got here and why. That lack in continuity left me dazed and confused. A reader shouldn't have to go through all previous threads to understand your purpose, or even identity. I still don't know if you're a druid or a magic user who specializes in summoning or what. I felt like this entire thread was the "climax event" that a story should have built up to, but without the buildup, it's like watching a fight scene without having a side to root for... it's just... not as satisfying if that makes any sense.

Build some emotion from the reader. Give me reason to worry about Jennifer and to hope things turn out. Give me reason to sympathize with her companion about his heartache. Give me something to feel instead of a factual layout that simply has the agenda of giving Jennifer another spirit to absorb into herself.




I hope that helps.

[Revenant]

There is a lot of flavor involved with this character, but the problem is that you use a lot of terms that aren’t clearly defined. I’ve read some of your other threads so I have a vague notion of terms like Nina and Oona. Additionally, you don’t give much background on the specifics of your thread. Since I judged the thread leading up to this one, I have a better idea of the continuity and flow, but if you want a casual reader to not be completely lost you need to lay things out a bit to make it more understandable.

The pace of this story went back and forth, at times it flowed very well, almost poetic, but in other places it felt choppy and rushed. Your flashback happened right in the middle of an action scene, which made it feel very jarring. Additionally, the flashback lasted two posts, but the header was only on the first post, so I wasn’t immediately aware of whether or not you had returned to normal or were still flashbacking.

Finally, what happened between Jennifer and Brachia/Drumlaught at the end was confusing. Your binding, the judgment, and the revelation that Drumlaught is Brachia required me to re-read it several times.

I find myself intrigued by Jennifer’s evolution and ongoing story and am looking forward to more. That’s all folks.

[Hysteria]

At the start of the of the story you used a lot of terms that mean nothing to me, or I had to assume what you were talking about. I felt like I was picking up the story at the sequel and just missed the start of the movie where they recap on events. I think it is important that as a reader I can start at any thread and understand what is going on, I don't think that requires you to spell out everything, but give me enough information to get by.

Also, the start of the thread was very unfocused in the way it introduced me to the scene. I felt that details just jumped out at me as I was reading. I thought the girl was alone in a forest, but then she was closer to the Ziggurat so she could see through the tree canopy, then it seemed their was a faun with her, then you refer to her as fay when I has assumed (because of no other evidence) that she was human. Even with the human/spirit thing in your description, it was still confusing. She was no longer 'running her hand against the moss' (which makes her sound thoughtful, but alone) but actually half way through a conversation

I think you also missed an opportunity to paint a really nice scene at the start. You have a faun and a fae girl talking amongst trees and near a massive stone temple, that is all amazing imagery.

After the start though I thought the thread really bloomed into a great story. The depth of the story was for me the thing that stood out, I would have liked more back story at the start, but I think the way you explained the story after the first few posts worked very well.

I could have used a better description of Quickalli though.

Rubric:

Story:

It started shaky, but as it got going I became engrossed. Continuity was terrible, but the story itself great. I think if you could link the start of the thread better to the past story then it would have been really good. I also think the lack of description, or confused descriptions made things hard to follow and the story convoluted at the start.

Overall I really liked the story and the way the two spirits were actually the same (reminded me of the Shivering Isles story from Oblivion).

Character:

Jennifer was a bit of an enigma to me. I think part of it was because you referred to things I didn't know much about (Nina?), but also because you were switching between a few characters. Faustus was developed a bit and I understood him and what drove him (although I didn't know exactly what he was, and how he fitted into the situation). Not sure about Jennifer though.

Writing Style:

At the start I was off put by random descriptions and the way things entered the scene. One example is when you mentioned that Jennifer grew her horns when she was angry, and I thought straight away, 'Wait... she had horns?'. Otherwise there were a few odd words used here and there, but all and all, good.

Overall:

Strong Points: Good Story, Interesting Characters and Cool Concepts.

Main areas to Improve: Descriptions and Flow of Information, Character Exploration of Jennifer.

[orphans]

From post 12 to 13 I got a bit confused and jostled at the pacing as shifted and grinded gears in my head. The transition came at such a peak moment of adrenaline and movement, it felt as though you just pulled the emergency break, flipped the car several times and managed to land on your wheels still.

also a few small mistakes that I’m not sure if they were supposed to be.

Post #4
The faun twitched his nose and held his sword steadily by his sword.

Post#6
Jennifer flinched and felt the feedback from their bond as the faun flew through the ear like a rag doll.

I found the colors a tad bit distracting, but that’s just more of a personal thing.

As mentioned before, there is a lot of references to things that a casual reader wouldn’t have known, and the appearance of horns made me react with a, “Wait what?” It’s not casual reading friendly, but I can understand that someone following it would find the flow much better.


Now that the bad is done with, I really enjoyed the story as a whole, and even though I didn’t actually understand a lot of the references, I felt as though there was enough for me to pick up on the larger key points. I did have some trouble seeing where the characters were though at some points when the imagery was sparse but nothing that greatly detracted from the story.

It felt a little rushed through and I think if you slowed down a little, it could have been even better. But… I think we’re all guilty of that, sooner or later.

I will say that I my soup got cold while I was reading, and artie can tell you, I'm not one that usually ignores food.

[Knave]

I’m going to start on that single piece with which you start. I have the Welsh National Anthem, I see that you have removed the rhyme scheme altogether. I’d hardly call this altered, maybe just a little reminiscent. That aside, I feel that the original was a bit more entertaining and while I’m sure you didn’t write that for my benefit, I have to ask why you did it all? To illustrate courtly love for the forest?

I have to say, you seem to change your writing style quite often to reflect your characters. Having read much of Blank, the red haired harlot, whose name I have forgotten, and reading you go on about how a character is a representation of some thought, force, or element, I have seen none more evident—or obvious—as Jenifer Oakley. None have a more prevalent theme than nature, and the pagan accoutrements(at least I think pagan is what you were going for) work well for what few I have seen.

Above all, I don’t think I’ve read something so “technical” on this forum. The leaves are being tantalized, the alliteration is abounding, days come and go, your skills at times astound me. Color symbolism might very well be present, if I had in fact paid attention that week in English 4, which is a lot like your English 1, but I’m fairly certain that in a forest that’s still alive everything should be green.

My only aside for characterizations is that you extend that flowery description to the girl herself. In sparing her the briefest of your sentences, we might have a bit more of her image in our minds. Also, Faustus is a satyr… which is part goat, and goats don’t roar. =P So when that line comes up, I imagine him going, “Ba-a-a-a-a-a~” For a more critical approach, I don’t know what they sound like… except for the tree, which I assume is pretty deep. High squeaks, or dulcet tones, a few more sounds where applicable would only complete the full on sensory overload you’re feeding your readers. You use roar quite often, and near the end I felt it was a bit inappropriate simply because you use it for one line, the impotent one, and the use it for another, the glowing pink assault one, and clearly they are not in the same league.

You‘re liberal seasoning of description adds feeling to every piece of your work where even the grass has some kind of opinion. On the other hand your characters do not often get the same attention to thought that most works consider their due. They each get their moment to display their emotions, but most often I'm left with scenery.

Of course, this might be a stylistic choice because if the grass can feel, then in comparison how would one cover the full effect of human emotions and thought? Might be fun, since this is a nature piece, to show them no different at all. Kind of an insult to humanity, but I think we can all take a joke.

World building is a fine practice adding new places and elements to the scheme, but it might do you well to introduce people to these strange locations as you would a friend. With intimate knowledge of all their going ons, dreams, loves, and dangers. Italicizing them while significant just tells me that this place has a new name. Given your use of them, a flashback could have easily served as the point of your exposition, which given your brevity I assume would be short.

“Jennifer remained unappeased. Faustus was centuries old, perhaps millennia. She had half expected him to have been one of the Ancients himself. Perhaps he is…”

Personally I do feel that leaving the italics as simply a thought is inappropriate when done in within a paragraph of reason. We aren’t given explicit thoughts until the end, and the shift threw me as I was still on the page about what she had expected, and not on the page where she is suddenly musing.

“They crossed the clearing, unaware that their footsteps made no impression in the thick grass, not bent the flowers beneath their toes as they moved.”

You’ve mentioned more than once that you proof read and edit, so I won’t bother complaining. Things slip by, and “Not bent the flowers.” Seems pretty easy to miss in the grand scale of things going on. Also: “She mumbled feebly, the iron in the blood on her tongue and the headache combining into a potent poultice of fear.”

“With powerful instincts, Jennifer brought her staff up and slammed it's tip into the ground with a powerful strike”

I’ve been spanked for this one multiple times, and now its your turn and the stick is in my hand! Synonyms wouldn’t hurt this line as any repetition is done in threes or usually not at all. Don’t ask me why, its just that the number appeals to all senses of taste and unless intentional it shouldn’t done. Potent might have been a stand in for one of these. This is an odd mistake because you have such beautiful imagery, ordinarily I’d feel like someone had fumbled their dictionary out of their dusty old bookshelf, but that’s not the case here. Except when you unlock your word-horde and unleash terms like radix.

“Faustus stepped back from the tree with great care, his sword levelled towards the crack and his free arm cut across his chest as if sub-consciously wielding a shield.”

You misspelled level, but more than that, I think you lost a comma between the “Crack” and the “and.” I somehow suspect the lack of a spell checker, just because any mistake would instantly be glaring on the screen. Kind of like right now, don’t you agree? You miss quite a few commas as you go, to be honest. Also, hit control +F and search for figners. As I read, I am more and more certain you aren’t using a spellchecker. Another read through would yield quite a few mistakes, no more than 15 at best, merely misplaced commas, and old wounds from fast editing. Particularly post number 7.

("THE LIGHT." The tree-spirit's voice changed in pitch and strength and resonance as it's confusion waxed and waned. The very colour of his words changed, adding blemishes of emotion to a dull monotone.)

Woah, what was that? She can see the color of his words? That’s fourth wall sensitive information, which normally isn’t shared between narrator, reader, or character. Now, while you might mean a certain inflection, “very” most definitely implies she can see the very shape and color of his words as they fell from tree‘s lips. Some works make great use of the 4th wall, this does not strike me as one of them because the story and drama are done in such a way that the reader is not made part of the story with that usual wink wink nudge nudge narrator inside joke.

And this may be the internet, but I’m American, and that means you spelled color wrong too.

All that said, I can get to the story. You kept everything rolling, and from the second post I was interested, which is very hard to achieve as I have high standards for entertainment. Seriously, almost everything bores me. However the rich descriptions, odd tidbits and tales kept me from falling asleep, and seeing as its really late, I’d have to say that’s an accomplishment. At no point, beyond the witch summoner bit, did I feel this story was contrived or in anyway simple. No one here exists without a purpose, or even the briefest bits of history. Granted, I don’t know exactly what led up to this, but I’m not a big fan of continuity.

I was kept totally uncertain of what was going to happen next through out the entire thread! I was initially disappointed when the thread did not midway explode into giant boxing and Nina-wing-chun. Then we got into riddles, which was a definite change of direction from the bombing violence of meteoric fists. Here is where I was displeased, you are a creative person, come up with your own riddles, I am sick and tired of seeing reused junk like the first one. The second was a bit better. As things progressed, and the mind screwing mounting, no one was safe, and no one was sure what the giant actually was. Except Quickalli, who every time he/it shows up weirds me out

The ending… well, it made sense to me. The mention of the revolving seasons, the fact that she rises like the phoenix from her ashes.(I'm fairly certain thats symbolism, which you alluded to at least once, but don't take me for my wisdom on that) I think that’s kind of the low point for me, the climax was the lightning bolt and fire. The only thing I want to know is when and how the hell did THAT conceive HER? I might very well read the next thread just to find out.

[Duffy]

Thank you, everyone, for giving me a wealth of feedback to go on. This has convinced me that she's readable and at that, I'm not going to retire her once she hits level one after all - although she'll be re-written and her fae side explored more, I think all she needed was less human, more horns, and a bit more ball-busting!

[Zerith]

Hen Wlad.

I must say, I found myself enjoying this story. Although it was hard to understand why the story was taking place at first, it definitely kept me wanting to continue reading. All in all, I can say I could easily see myself suggesting this thread to others if they wanted an enjoyable read.

STORY – 18

CHARACTER - 18

WRITING STYLE - 18

WILD CARD- 7


Final Score – 61!!


Rewards:

Jennifer Oakley receives 910 EXP and 256 GP!

Both spoils are rewarded, pending approval of a RoG Mod.


Knave, as the most helpful contributor, receives 150 EXP and 100 GP
SirArtemis recieves 200 EXP and 50 GP!
Hysteria receives 200 EXP and 50 GP!
Revenant receives 300 EXP and 50 GP!
Orphans receives 150 EXP and 50 GP!

[Taskmienster]

Exp and GP was added for everyone.