Polyphonic Prairie Workshop

[Zerith]

Sweet Polly Oliver has done it again and requested a Writer's Workship for her other battle, this time against Ruby La Roux.

So I really encourage everyone to take the time to read the thread. Then come back here when you're done and let them know what you thought of it. If you even have suggestions about what they could do in the future, I'm sure they would like to hear those as well. Please try to keep your comments on a postive note, though.

This thread will be open for two weeks. Afterwards a condensed rubric will be posted along with contributor rewards.

So thanks in advance, and enjoy the read!

Polyphonic Prairie (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=21537)

[Knave]

RUBY

Alright, Lady, don’t disappoint me: Okay… she is bound to be married, and that tells me nothing of why she came. I’m at a loss as to what kind of set up brought Ruby here. From the looks, she arrived, she introduces herself and she reminisces on her life with brief details. There is a great sense of bitterness here, but not much in terms of factual substance. She’s used everything she has to get where she is today, and she is burned out. I still don’t know why she came.

Please do not ever, ever use an onomatopoeia in a line of dialogue again. It just ruined the scene for me, here I am watching a bodice strain, and then the woman screams like Godzilla getting kicked in the crotch. “If that’s the way the cookie crumbles.” That line strikes me as wrong for the simple reason that its nearly a cliché and no one talks like that anymore. Dialogue doesn’t look like your cup of tea, but the singing is well done, no terrible rhymes

Ruby… what kind of dance allows for someone stand still and not instantly be run through? I realize that’s how she gets things done, but I don’t get a sense that with Polly charging for a second chance Ruby would have time to begin two verses of one song. The main reason is that she just dodged, never ran, and is in fact, still not running. As things progress, when she gets stabbed she just tightens her belt to slow the flow of blood. My problem with this is that it makes no sense, you can’t tie a tourniquet around someone’s torso.

You’re comparing life or death to the choice of shoes… I have never seen such an obviously shallow character before. She doesn’t seem to have much on her mind, but looks and fashion, I like her! Most people at least pretend to have something in their minds beyond the simple things. Violence, murder, and sex appeal coat this character from the get go. The only thing that annoys her is not getting the right amount of attention, and anything that might get in the way of that has got to go. Pardon my language, but this is the archetypical Bitch, and I think you’ve gotten a good grasp of that kind of character.

As things progress, I am reminded of characters like Bayonetta and most of the female fighters in Soul Calibur. Mainly in that a man spent a great deal of his time imagining how breasts bounce. Not complaining, just saying. I don’t quite understand the sudden resistance to dealing as much pain to Polly as possible, I take matriarchal here to mean motherly… and that is just weird for this character. Especially as she moves to work some IMPRESSIVE charms on the girl. Then there is this matter of jealous affection… I have no idea what the hell she is talking about in post 8. I’m fairly certain it was a good old attempt at mind screwing Polly. I’m not sure how that was expected to work.

Do you write these things yourself or reword existing tunes? Because I like them, and I hope they are original. With that done, I’d like to suggest you break up the verses and place them along side your actions instead of one then the other. This would ease how I spent ten seconds, which feels like forever, thinking about the lyrics when in fact the previous paragraph was talking about getting stabbed by say… six feet of steel and wood? There often feels like a large gap when Ruby sings because… singing isn’t something people do quickly, at least I don’t. Even dispersing them through out a paragraph might help.

In your final post, I noticed a long drag as Ruby lamented her death and life. It was a singular block of emotion that stopped time, and allowed everything to go pitch black, but for the glimmers of thought and memory. You have rendered you character beautiful with your great use of description and detail, but her death was a long slow process for one of the fastest methods possible. I’d just like to point out that idea of time dilation is a retroactive illusion based on memory not actuality. Or at least that’s what Psychology Today said. Time really doesn’t slow down for anyone.

POLLY

I’m…. certain that the Sparrow is now some kind of evil monster. >.> Picking right up from where the last thread left off, its almost a seamless transition. This thread also answers my previous question about how someone like Polly ended up in something like the Citadel… God is making her do it. While in so many ways insane, this is probably one of the best intros I’ve read, and it looks like Polly needs no contrived reason to enter the arena. This is totally part of her own story. I’d like to know what the god is attempting, but this isn’t that kind of story, the only thoughts the reader is privy to are Polly’s. I want to know more, but then that would remove some of the suspense. Hmm, I must struggle to complain… but all I can say is that I don’t know why the God is doing this, I do and don’t want to know…

I am not a big fan of hanging text, it provides sound, but no picture. I’m starting to think you’re aiming for a quick exchange of dialogue, with the emphasis being on the words rather than how the words are spoken. This most likely strikes me as I’m trying to go in the opposite direction, so I won’t say whether it is good or bad. What I will say is that you might want to lead into the phonetic accent more not just for Polly, but also everyone, which might give the dialogue more to replace what seems to be a drive for less. I think listening to some audio clips will at least help you nail down the nature of Polly’s use of these “country terms,” I know that listening to Cajuns helped me get the tone down.

She developed pride!? Well, that’s certainly character development, but it does seem odd that she is nearly begging to go home, and yet is proud of having one, especially after reading the last thread. I’d have expected her to go into extreme monkitude swearing violence. The evidence I’ve seen doesn’t really add up to pride, and while I’m sure she is going to give her best, I’d assume she’d be more worried about her own life than taking her opponents. All of that said, my god, she’s dancing… why is she so adorable!? I actually feel bad, y’know, she’s just not suited to this, and yet she’s doing it… and she’s gonna keep doing it… and I can just see that adorable soft side dying. ;_;

You have a tendency to ignore the effects of emotions outside of acting, there is that rule about showing, not telling. She just encountered a woman who made her feel like a sack of unripe potatoes, how does she react? Is she just standing there? This turns up in the exchanges of dialogue, which while fast paced enough to be entertaining, don’t tell me too much about how they act in any subtle sense. “She left behind music like slugs leave behind slime.” That, on the other hand, was wonderful. I’m not too certain about her remaining in love with Ruby after the enchantment, but wow. Lastly, that dance at the end… that was creepy… well done, I don’t what the heck that was about, but she’s dancing on Ruby’s crave as she cries for her.

You’re style isn’t much for details, and in the course of a battle of life and death, I don’t expect you to spend time on the superfluous aspects of what anyone’s wearing, how much blood is on your hands, or anything too deep and introspective. That said, I’d like a bit more outside of the moments where they are fighting when the action has slowed its pace. You capture emotion beautifully most of the time, I always know how Polly feels and the use of the EM-dash here for me is an education. I just want to know what is happening beyond Polly’s consciousness… but if that interferes with covering her persona, forget it.

I’m not a grammar man, so I’ve probably learned more than I could ever call wrong. You guys are either very good at this, or have edited very well.

Together:

Well, this is an odd paring between two very... fundamentally different people who as hinted by the narration really weren't that different at all, or at least in the case of potential.

You worked together, you built on each others styles to the point where you were filling in each others gaps. Almost everything fit together. Its been such a good read that I've dealt more compliments that punishments, sorry. I hope at least giving this review was helpful.

[SirArtemis]

Mmmk I don't know how you can look frustrated and amused at the same time.

********************************************

“Thanks to y’all for waiting so patient-like.”

That just seems like no one would ever say that.

********************************************

What is a paper-white sky that is cloudless?

********************************************

Polly looked over her shoulder and saw a trail of light and sound behind her.

Makes it seem like you saw the sound.

********************************************

Why the eff were you dancing at the end? Can't wrap my mind around it.

********************************************

I feel like that last line about not feeling like you won would have been better suited as a thought rather than a statement out loud.

********************************************




Story:

I like the message that is being sent out to Polly from Duffy's character here, as if an older sister is trying to teach the younger a lesson. I see the continuity in polly's thread from the previous duel she was in but I still don't really understand why Ruby was there. The setting was fun and well used by both characters, and the pace seemed steady and easy to follow all the way through.


Character:

I got a feeling for both characters, but it seems like Ruby is less consistent. She goes from the mature and experienced woman to the impatient cussing one to the maternal and depressed one. It's a bit all over the place and makes it tough to follow at times. However, I still could feel a certain something from the persona and dialogue. The actions though is where it gets me and mostly on Duffy's part. I just can't understand why she would just let her cut her throat like that. The thread was brief and I personally didn't really feel any transition from confident woman to depressed and suicidal "oh just cut me" kind of person.


Writing:

The mechanics were good for the most part, I saw a few errors from both but nothing too serious. The technique was fine, but I think you both overdid it a bit with the metaphors. It got a bit tiresome to see all the similes and metaphors of how this was like that and what not, but I get the point. I also thought the lyrical aspects of the songs was pretty neat and well done, and it gave it a different taste than some other threads. Clarity wise, other than a few things i pointed out and Duffy's acclaimed complex writings, it was fairly clear. Duffy, put the thesaurus down =p and start adding footnotes to your wild and crazy words. Fuckin radix and shit.


Wild Card:

It was a pretty enjoyable read, though it was a brief fight. It seemed quick to me, but I suppose a duel is just that way.

Also, Polly, I think I noticed something interesting about your style, though it may be something obvious. I think something that you do well that might be giving you a boost in persona is that though you are narrating from third person, the narrator seems to have polly's personality and sometimes says things and speaks in ways that polly would, which gives more emphasis and flavor to the narrator that accentuates your character. Just a thought.


Hope that helps.

[Jack Frost]

-Reserved-
Edit: note that I group it by person. Your opening posts, your second posts ect.
Opening posts, well orchestrated by both. I enjoyed the simplicity of Polly's post, keeping true to her character, while ruby's post was more detailed. Both managed to throw in quite a bit of material I found funny, which was nice.

Second posts, alright we get some actions, some excellent use of setting, we get dialog and description. The regal jellyfish analogy worked well, and was also quite amusing.

third posts, I kinda got a little lost. Polly's post made sense, then Ruby started doing something, a sound based illusion?

Fourth posts, Okay so Polly finally gets a hit in. Then ruby turns into a phoenix lady. A little clarification could have been used but I get the gist of these two posts.

Closing, alright so now we have a life changing revelation and lots of detail. Ruby dies hoping Polly would take some advice, and Polly dances in the very end, a rather odd way to celebrate/grieve.

Final review, all in all this was a great piece, I bet Artemis and knave have a lot to say as well, they will probably address technique as well. I liked this and besides the fact that someone had to die in the end it made for rather pleasant reading.

[Knave]

I'm glad you find joy in all this. Now we wait to see who wins our duel.

Do I sense a plan to kill my smile? @u@ Wait and see indeed.

[Duffy]

Wow.

Knave, that was outstanding, thank you very much - me being me, however, I'd like to come back on a few points and agree/disagree with you about some of the things you've brought up; I'm not being argumentative, I'm just highlighting some things for the mutual benefit of the reader/writer.

Reason: I've always had an issue in Citadel battles, outside of my confrontation with Sei using Blank I believe, with highlightning reasons beyond the generic increasing skill, soul searching. In this particular instance, Ruby is in the Citadel to increase her spell singing, and to increase her self-defence, but as you can see, she's still just a vulnerable woman with no means of protecting herself, as she's spent so much of her life concentrating on the protection and implementable of others - the use of matriarch in the thread reflects her nature as the female lead of the Tantalum, which, along side being a theatre troupe, group of vagabonds, saviours of Scara Brae and so forth, is an orphanage that takes in strays from the streets and gives them 'pwospects', as Duffy would say.

You pick up on the 'bitch' aspect of Ruby, and I can only say, that's precisely what I wanted to portray. These battles are set before the thread 'The Flowers They Wither' where Ruby remembers her memories and who she was, where she was from and so forth. Together with that revelation, and the revelation set out that she's past it and her time is over, should allow her to become a more heartfelt and tentative woman - which she can be now, but events in her life make it difficult for her to do anything but brood, bitch and take it out on others. Of course, I could've portrayed this with brief mementos as to the cause throughout the battle, but then I start to get bogged down in semantics, and I was having too much fun being the archetypal bitch and bard she embodies!

Your remark regarding the songs also makes me happy. In a previous duel, with Rehtul Orlougne, I was marked down for the use of other people's lyrics, so I settled a vendetta with myself to not use my own poetry by writing all the lyrics contained in the thread myself - they're more limericks and poems than verses of a song, but on the hoof, without instruments (the floor doesn't count!) most vocal arrangements would develop like that anyhow. In the future, I will try to weave the quick words into the paragraphs to get the continuity, clarity and sense of time right, but I feel this is a positive step to finally getting to grips with a fairly unique character concept.

All in all, I'm glad you liked the shoes comment, and the portrayal of Ruby's 'public' side. I hope you get to see more of her in future threads, her vulnerable side - with the events forthcoming in Wainwright's Delusion, there will be plenty of development and softening of her stiff upper lip, under wired bra, and epically stoic backhander!

[Knave]

First of all.


Wow.

You're welcome. :)

I'd have liked to have had that explanation here, as its the first time I've encountered the character. I didn't reread, but I did try to pay attention, and I really was at a loss as to much of who she was. My only hint that she was part of the tantalum was that she was a performer... and she was your character to begin with.

While mementos would have been good, I'd have suggested weaving the back story in with the mental jobbing you were trying to give Polly. That would have at least clued me in to her intent and her past.

Given that liquid time was in full effect, I would have liked a disclaimer. Aside from her back story you did a fantastic job with this character. I've never seen a spell singer before, only in concept, and you nailed it to the wall with a rocket harpoon.

I look forward to seeing more.

[Duffy]

Now bugger off into the 'Hen Wlad' workshop and knock all of my characters into shape :D

[Sweet Polly Oliver]

Thanks for the reviews Knave and Frost--I'm glad you enjoyed our battle. ^^ You made a lot of good points, Knave, it's definitely helped me examine my own writing from a different perspective. Very interesting. I'm looking forward to see what Artemis has to say too once he actually posts it. XD

I don't really get the point of the reserving spots things? Seems a little pointless to me lol.

[Jack Frost]

Well when your review is the first it's obviously the first read, therefore if you do a good job you make the others look like they copied most of what you wrote.

[Knave]

Well when your review is the first it's obviously the first read, therefore if you do a good job you make the others look like they copied most of what you wrote.

Yeah... but then when everyone can see they posted something meaningful before you, then its plain weird. I try to at least never say the same thing as anyone else, either.

[Revenant]

The biggest issue that struck me while reading this was the sense of timing. Polly, you have a good feel for the flow of the story. You act and react in a realistic fashion that pulls the reader along with just the right amount of action. As such I found myself really engaged by your writing.

Ruby, on the other hand, feels almost clunky by comparison. She almost literally oozes character. Your writing makes me feel and understand the depth of emotion Ruby has, and I get a real feel for the time stream behind her. I really enjoy the unique aspect of her abilities as well, but using her in battle is where she falters. Almost instantly I find that I read her singing and think 'there's no way she'd be able to say all that before she's been run through.' And then there's one post where Polly walks up and just swings at you and you have time to discourse and lament between the swing and the strike.

As for the setting, as someone with no musical experience I found it to be uninspiring. Telling of a sound from one instrument had no bearing on me from any other instrument. Blaring notes only worked once or twice before I started to skim over those portions, my mind filling in with the same bland music note to play out your intent. Without that, let's face it, there really wasn't much else in the setting category.

Just some quick thoughts. Hope this helps.

[Zerith]

Polyphonic Prairie

First of all, I want to say that I really enjoying reading this battle! Being somewhat musical, I really liked the setting. Though I can't see everyone else getting the same amount of enjoying from it, especially those with no musical experience like Revenant mentioned. However, I really got the sense that this was a collaborative effort. You guys should feel good about this thread.

Should either of you have any questions about the scoring, please feel free to send me a PM.

Here it comes...


Polly/Ruby

STORY - 18/16

Continuity-6/5
Pacing-6/5
Setting-6/6

CHARACTER - 16/17

Persona- 5/6
Dialogue- 5/6
Action- 6/5

WRITING STYLE - 17/18

Mechanics-6/6
Clarity-6/6
Technique- 5/6

Wild Card- 7/7

Final Score 58/58!


Rewards:

Sweet Polly Oliver receives 525 EXP and 87 GP!

Ruby La Roux receives 525 EXP and 87 GP!


Knave, being the most helpful contributor, receives 100 EXP and 100 GP!

Revenant receives 300 EXP and 50 GP!

SirArtemis receives 200 EXP and 50 GP!

Jack Frost receives 100 EXP and 50 GP!

[Silence Sei]

exp-gp added.