Entering From Afar

[Revenant]

knaveofspades has requested that the thread Entering From Afar (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=20958) be put in the Writer's Workshop for comments and judgment. Please give it a read and a critique.

This workshop will be open for approximately two weeks after which it will be closed, judged, taken out back and shot.

[SirArtemis]

In Progress

Knave, from your first post I see a few things that stand out. I see two words that are missing a space between them, extra apostrophes in a couple places, and the biggest thing for me is the clarity. I know you try to go for a particular style but it loses me.

For example:

Shape-shifter, the kind who replaced children, the kind who made you love them before he had the heart from your chest.

Just isn't clear.

Another example:

If he was strong enough to warrant his foolishness, then let another attack, carrion, an easy meal. If he was not, carrion, an easy meal.



sorry knave I'm not trying to pick on you.

Terms like upwind and downwind we’re largely powerless to contain it.

When you have apostrophes in your writing, a good way of going back to check on them is rereading your writing out loud. In fact, judges like Sei penalize you (sorta) for using contractions in non-dialogue settings, but in all honesty it helps. If you write things out, it will help you be clear. For example, in the line above, if you were to read out loud what the contraction of "we're" is, you would realize that it isn't the correct form of "were" that you were.. trying to use. So even if you want to keep the contraction, read it out loud to yourself as if it did not have the contraction and you can catch yourself. It may help with things like "they're" and "you're" as well.


I notice some other points of clarity or mechanics for the other authors, though more minor. As for Knave, I understand you are attempting to achieve a particular and flashy writing style, and if that's your goal then keep at it. It's not quite there yet, and for now it's likely going to hurt your clarity and mechanics scores, but eventually I'm sure you'll get it.



Wormtongue, I would recommend typing your posts in a word processor rather than in the boxes. For one, it helps because it will auto save, but also, you will save yourself from using words like "discoordination" when the proper way of saying this is "lack of coordination." You also use "eath" instead of "earth" and "kiccking" instead of "kicking" all in one post. Also, you don't capitalize the sentence beginning after a semi-colon.




Up above, nearing the summit of high, the clouds shed a single tear. It plummeted, reaching terminal speeds, wind shaping it into drop of crystalline perspiration.

The sky is sweating?



As Azza takes her exit, I'll address that author.

ORPHANZ! You have a good grasp of children and it helps you write about Azza. I understand the background with why she acts younger than she looks and it makes sense for the character. The actions are believable, simple and easy to follow and give a very distinct personality to the character. You have a few mechanic errors, but that's expected in most writing. (I just wrote expect rather than expected, proving my own point).

You use the setting, you use the obliviousness of your character, you add Azza's personality into narration, and overall have pleasant writing to read. I also think your character helped really set the pace for the story thus far (up to post 30) so I think it helped. If I have more to say at some point, I'll tell you on AIM.




Back to Knave:

Ace leaned over the counter, checking to make sure his host was alive, then turning back to Kyslith he uttered only three words. “We’ll seat ourselves. You can choose.”

That's more than three words.



Also, at this point in the writing, I'd like to point out that even if Azza as the character had to leave at this point in the quest, it may have made sense to continue and let Orphans do something like play the character of the tavern keeper, Harold. Though at the moment it seems like you didn't choose to use him. I just think it would have allowed you to keep Orphan's involved.




Back to Knave:

There's a minor inconsistency I noticed in your dialogue that you should watch out for.

"Stunned she fell back on instinct, “What’ll you have?” she said, her alarm dying."
"Gold piece’ll buy ye a few ‘unks of beef and a cold stew. Another will get ye all the ale ye can ‘andle.” She replied, offering the midnight special of cold beef and piss poor liquor, gauging his clothes to weigh the gold of his sack, and the size of the tip."

The you vs ye should be consistent if that's her dialect. But while I'm here, note that you should probably end with a comma in the second quote before continue with she replied, and also try to cut up the sentence after that. The comment about how she gauges him up could be a separate sentence.






Wormtongue, I get a feeling of your character but sometimes things seem randomly calculated. For example, what she forgets and what she doesn't forget, how long she normally takes to forget. It seems like you just pick and choose which parts to forget and which not to, which is fine if that's our intention. I'm just pointing it out.

You also would benefit, as I mentioned earlier, from typing in a word document.

Another thing that may become difficult for you is given your unique dialogue, you may want to create a reference page at some point for consistency. From what it feels like now, you basically just type out the dialogue as you want to say it, just thinking of how it should look. However, at times the dialogue seems like it doesn't suit your intention and is out of place, and it also may lose consistency if you rewrite the same terms/phrases differently at one point or another.





Hmm I think I addressed everyone individually so I'll just give a brief overview.

The story itself was fairly easy to follow, and though I know that wormtongue was lost, I don't recall where she was coming from to get lost. Knave came from a boat... but also... from where? Azza lives in the local village, I get more continuity there.

Persona wise, I get a feel for the characters, but for Knave, I have some trouble. I have read some of your work and I still can't quite figure out how your whole thing works with the Lawrence vs Ace thing. I have mild assumptions about it but its not very explicit and I'm finding myself understanding it less now than before.

The setting was fairly clear at most points, and I got a general sense of what was going on, but I still was confused at some points and trying to fill in the blanks proved difficult. I guess it's a problem I face myself with trying to be as detailed as possible without being overbearing with information.

The mechanics were no more than a 5 overall to be honest, given the amount of mistakes I came across overall. It was somewhat frustrating and really hurts clarity/pace with the little errors. I highly recommend even revisiting one post at a time independently just as its own little animal to see if it is mechanically sound and makes clear sense.

The dialogue was interesting at times, and I feel like Knave still has to get a feel for his dialogue the most, and as I mentioned, wormtongue should probably make a point of reference for how to present words that repeat. Some inconsistencies like changing accents in the same thread can really throw someone off unless intentional.

Action itself was fine. I got an idea of what everyone was doing, but again, I got lost at times when reading what Knave was doing. Keep working at it. At the moment, the flowery/flashiness of the writing is still hurting clarity.



If you have any questions, just PM me.

[Knave]

I suppose some kind of reply is in order, it at least gives me reason to reflect. First and foremost, this very well might have been the actual thread where I wrote Ace’s concept, and actually began to use the character as a whole. It was just a bit before the end where I decided that proof reading might have been a good idea.

Addressing the idea of me going for anything… LOL. No. I do not think about how I can make words pretty and bungle their meaning. That is all instinct… really annoying, I should stop letting my gut type, simply put, I’m still wandering through the land of prose.

I’d like to here your assumptions, but I would like to be clear that at the time I never nailed down the character, but introduced him in this guise because the natural… nosferatu like appearance is not conducive to any kind of good dialogue. Something I had originally deeply desired from this thread as actual spoken words and written thoughts then to me seemed to define the character.

[SirArtemis]

I’d like to here your assumptions, but I would like to be clear that at the time I never nailed down the character, but introduced him in this guise because the natural… nosferatu like appearance is not conducive to any kind of good dialogue. Something I had originally deeply desired from this thread as actual spoken words and written thoughts then to me seemed to define the character.

I had envisioned your character something like a being within a shell. I saw your character as a shapeshifter, and I think I recall reading a bit where your character actively morphed his appearance into what he thought would be ideal for a charismatic approach. So I envision your character simply morphing his body and playing a character role.

Yet I think I read (during this thread? It's been a few days...) that you make it appear that... your character almost STOLE this body from someone... as if you simply invaded a body.

I'll try to put it into another perspective, hopefully you get the analogy.

I initially envisioned your character similar to a druid that can change into an animal form, yet you just change to a human form that you thought would be appealing.

In this quest (again, I think this one), you make it appear like you invaded a body the way Greed invaded the prince in Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, where the original owner of the body is fighting to retain control.


I hope that answers it.

[Knave]

Oh! Yes! That is the thing I was actually going for! Not your thing of course, but something else. See Lawrence does that special little bit of getting into character, as such, he's really working his own thoughts into new forms, and rejecting bits of himself. I felt a consummate liar needed to be a master of the age old double think.

Don't get me wrong, he does have a good side slowly dying as his body no longer even hears his appeals for freedom. However, I wanted that to be more subtle.

[SirArtemis]

Don't get me wrong, he does have a good side slowly dying as his body no longer even hears his appeals for freedom. However, I wanted that to be more subtle.

You lose me here. So are you saying that his shapeshifted form has a personality he designs, but the very idea of that personality fights his original personality?

Or are you saying he tries so hard to get into character that sometimes he catches himself thinking in ways ACE would whereas LAWRENCE wouldn't?

[Knave]

Both, except that there is no fighting. More like a willful personality disorder.

And no, the original predates the current Lawrence, he just has no actual say in anything. Not even in explicit narration. Most likely he's barely cognizant/

[Zerith]

Entering From Afar.

As always, I’d like to thank you guys for the read. I know you all put some work and effort into this and it hasn’t gone unnoticed, but there are a few things that I think could have been improved.

While your Setting and Persona were good, I couldn’t help but feel like things such as Pacing and Continuity were lacking. At one point, I wasn’t really sure if the story was going anywhere, but I was pleased when the parchment spiced things up.

Knave, I didn’t really understand why Ace was in this circumstances to begin with. Yes, he just arrived on shore, but where did he come from? Or what was driving him on his journey in the first place. Perhaps when starting a thread you should ask yourself why is it taking place? Is there an explanation?

Wormtongue, I liked your dialogue and was amused with the short-term memory. Like Artemis, I suggest that you or a friend proofread some of your posts as there were frequent typos or misspellings. Other than that, it was interesting to see a zombie with something other than brains at the forefront of her mind.

Azza, I hope to god that my daughter doesn’t act like this little girl someday. If I was mother Holly, I would be furious if she arrived home that late. Azza’s character is largely innocent and naïve at this point in time, but part of me thinks that she should have been a little more scared to encounter a walking corpse. In your defense though, I can understand that Azza probably never realized what she encountered

I’m only mentioning these things due to a lack of participation from others. Though now it is time for the rubric! Should any of you have any questions, feel free to ask me anytime.



STORY – 13


CHARACTER - 17


WRITING STYLE - 15


WILD CARD- 4


FINAL SCORE - 49!


Rewards:

Knave receives 783 EXP as requested!

Wormtongue receives 636 EXP and 353 GP!

Orphans receives 460 EXP and 196 GP!

Wormtongue also keeps the worn, used coat she stole from the drunkard, Though upon closer inspection it seems there may be a small hole in the left pocket, but it shouldn't be too hard to fix. Either way, it does a good job of concealing her grotesque form from prying eyes.



SirArtemis, being the most helpful (and only) contributor, recieves 200 EXP and 100 GP!

[Silence Sei]

Exp-GP added. yall.