A Cold Coincidence: Part 3 Feedback

[SirArtemis]

Disclaimer: This thread is a work in progress and not an official writers workshop. I am simply requesting feedback as I go in an attempt to make this solo as great as I know it can be. I have some things I already want to add, but if you see any more that you can advise me on, I'd be very grateful.

As this isn't an official Writers Workshop, there are no rewards for helping other than my gratitude.

Link To Thread (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=21585)

As I've mentioned, there aren't really any rewards for doing this other than helping me out. I'd much appreciate any suggestions you can make that are more content related. I'll go back and fix mechanics and all but if anything still seems unclear, please let me know.

[Knave]

Its always best to start a speech with a joke, or thats what I am told.

Artemis, you're garbage. Laugh out loud!

They say that you should lighten the blows to come by laying on one really heavy one to make the ones that follow look soft. Oh, those people with their sayings.

Click the tag. I dare you.


“Barely more than a week had passed since the young Artemis Eburi found himself face-to-face with a bloody and angry orc, fighting to save his own life. Unsure of the implications, he consulted the city guard of Knife's Edge. Now he wished he had kept his mouth shut. A group of the green cretins filled a small mining cave south of Knife's Edge and the task of clearing it fell upon Artemis; a task that he wanted nothing to do with. However, that small mining cave held more than those monsters. Tucked into the crevices of the cave, a small fortune made its home: a fine white metal known as mythril. “

You never mention Artemis’ counter argument to being trapped into evicting Orcs from their homes by the greedy, and racially intolerant villagers. Now much of that last sentence was just an interesting take on a very old set up.

“He stared at the ground and leaned forward in his seat, elbows rested on his knees as he rubbed the sweat from his face.”

I understand that you don’t have a very good opinion of flash, bang, or dazzle, but for the love of god try to make longer sentences pop. This line leads into my distrust of always sticking to past-tense simply because because all action has ended, I have already imagine the man sitting, and I spend another second imagining him sitting, just sitting. You could have written that he “Artemis sat, wiping the sweat from his face.” I’d never ask you to, but add something to his actions to make them more interesting… or at least make him interesting while doing nothing.

I keep shouting “show, don’t tell” at you, but I assume that this has become some sort of background noise in the seething chaos of your mind. You say he is wishing that this was a dream, then think it, use your words damn you! In all honesty, a character has thoughts, and its not going to hurt for them to be unadulterated and displayed. Giving little sentences that render the portrayal of Artemis’ mind as an abridged version doesn’t help you.

As you introduce characters you start with the center piece of some female character. Great, you’ve got her looking disinterested, and bored. Now who is she and why is she in that particular moment given she has no relevance to the post? No one is even ogling her, which I initially thought Artemis was doing until I read on and realized he was last to be introduced, and clearly not interested in anything. This is more a complaint on the order of things. The real complaint is that your NPCs lack everything, but dialogue, gender, and race. I just see a few short people, a woman off to the side, and a black man with pointy ears. Now I just see them all wearing wetsuits, otherwise they may as well be naked for all I know.

“The savory scent that swam through the air, nestling into the nooks of Artemis' nostrils and drawing him in left him hypnotized.”

Wonderful, just wonderful, its not every sentence I get actual sensory input from you. Now initially I was like, “What is wrong with you.” But at the moment I reflect and think that it was just a matter of word choice. Talk of nostrils and food do not go together, especially when you say things like “nooks.”

I sense a weakness in your spatial awareness. When you describe where things are, you don’t actually describe where things are. Names are given, but there are no dimensions. When they spend that nice long paragraph going over plans, they don’t actually talk about terrain, or talk at all… or explain how they know the places layout. Everyone knows everything but the reader here. Much like how you didn’t think on what attached Artemis’ knives to his person, I don’t think you thought about those details. Readers will know.

Given that Character is important to you, let me share my impression of Artemis. He’s… something. Given the way he enjoys his meal, and the way he reacts to the jokes, he’s friendly enough with a childish hint here and there. Never seen anyone turn away over a small joke. When not completely under whelmed, or pursuing escapist thoughts, he’s rather energetic in that way which people identify Hyper Attention Deficit Disorder. I sense that you are attempting humor with Artemis, keep trying. Given Artemis, like everyone else is, willing to kill Orcs, who have done nothing in this account, I can only skew Artemis’ character as a remorseless killer of green skinned individuals. That is not a joke, killing elephants for their tusks, and skinning foxes is no different. Most Orcs are depicted as intelligent beings, which in fact makes this just a bit more reprehensible.

Also, given his source inspiration, he reminds me nothing of Entreri, Do’Urden, or you. Are you certain you are writing Artemis as the profile says? I’d never ask you to, but if you are trying to, I’d like to know.

In your latest post you attempt action, and I am appalled! No, not really, ha. I am not entirely pleased, given that very little of this appealed to me, which adds a new dimension to my displeasure (shut up, I’m not going to spend my weekend hours praising you) in that I am the sort of person who might find pity for Satan, which I’ll get to at the end.

Now Arty lampshades that Axel knows how to use a bow… and the dialogue, which I found as just chatter, makes it fairly clear that whatever Axel is doing might actually get someone killed. This is could be foreshadowing, but I know its not, and shame on you for not using it. You said it yourself, “nothing too advanced.” This could have been a much longer fight, buts its not a fight at all. Its an execution. You’re enemies are cardboard. You’re tactics are without flaw. There is no handicap situation. The enemy is not even given the time to see who is killing them… even when there are more than one of them. The only person who has a problem is the woman, and given you’re pro-feminist preaching, I’m actually surprised.

This is a dramatization of the premise of this story so far:

With that out of the way, lets consider the moral objectives of this story so far. There is Go- Mythril in them mountains, ya hear! Only thing between us and fortune is them pesky Orcs living in ‘dat ‘dere cave! Let’s go bomb the fuck out of them while they’re sleeping, and axe murder them outside their homes. What’d they do?! Who cares what they did, Mythril, boy, Mythril, my own mother’d lose her life ifn’ she put herself between me and riches, hahahhahaaaaa!

In all seriousness, I feel that the heroes are in fact murderous thieves.

[SirArtemis]

This can be locked and archived. Thread submitted.

[Enigmatic Immortal]

Why are you locking it? I don't see any reason to do so, Art. Bad feedback from Knave get you down? Not feeling like your work is appreciated? Do ya just feel sad in the pants when you look at others works and wonder if you can ever have what they have?

Cause if so, I demand you keep this damn thread open. Bad feedback is still feedback. You took all the other feedback with a strong chin, now why do you all the sudden have a glass jaw? I swear boy, if you run from this, ESPECIALLY after someone took the time to read and review, than your pulling a god damn uttam.

People are trying to help you, and the help they give you is falling on deaf ears. You keep yipping at me about the damned mechanics, and you know what, despite the shit I give you, I've been doing more and more to avoid those little screw ups just like you suggested! So what's the deal here dude? What is the problem. You open up all these threads for help and you just ignore them? I am of the opinion that you shouldn't do workshop posts if you can't have your personal shit critiqued.

Your not a bad writer, Art, you really aren't. I know it's challenging dude, but that post above this one made me sad to see it. Wake the fuck up and lets do this, man.

Now if you have a good reason, like, 'I opened a workshop for my thread so this would be redundant, Paul, so shut up.' Then I'll respect the wishes to shut this down. But anything else is akin to cowardice.

Now onto your story:

What I see is attempts at making action, describing the details, but you can't seem to find that proper niche. You attempt it at times, but it comes out clunky. It happens, I do the same. My brain runs so fast with thoughts that my fingers can't keep up to the point I miss WHOLE fucking subjects in my sentences. (You seen 'em) The advice I have to give you is that simple says simple, pizazz says look at me, and shiney bright paragraphs says THIS IS FUCKING IMPORTANT! Learn the balance. You should add pizazz to your posts, in moderation, but not so reserved.

When you introduce a story element, a new scene, or something that is conductive to the plot, the character, or the pacing, than give it the due credit it deserves. Spend as much time on it as you feel is necessary equal to its importance. Does the reader need to know about the orc sitting in the corner picking his ass with a shovel? Not really... but they do need to know the smells of the cave, the size, the way the orcs set up their living arrangements, and so forth.

If you have to, give a separate paragraph to the details before you begin the action of your new scene. That first post, wasn't really bad at all. I liked it. I learned the descriptions of Jay, and the detail you gave her made me think "Hey, she's important." and I remembered her well enough in the story. When her actions fell flat, at least I had a surprisingly. The dwarves...

Well they just kind of fell flat. They bickered and I couldn't understand really why. Sure, they bickered about their beard vs mustache. Okay...how long was the dues beard? Most dwarves take pride in long beards. What did the mustache look like? Were they naked? Was one stronger than other? Were they twins for every detail save their beardy faces? I dunno! The detail you gave them, especially for recurring characters, should always be prominent. These people are in liege with yours.

I know, you look Jensen and think "He rarely ever describes Adolph and Stephanie." Well, you'd be right about that. But in the flow of Jensen-ology I am more of a "Do what I say, not what I do" kinda guy. :D

Hope this helps.

[Letho]

Paul, dude, take it easy. I think he wants it closed because his quest is done and he submitted it for judging. But regardless of the reason, if he wishes it to be closed, I'll bag it and tag it.