Fortress of Delusion Workshop

[Revenant]

Zerith and Sweet Polly Oliver have requested that their thread, Fortress of Delusion (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=21506), be entered into the Writer's Workshop.

This workshop will be open for two weeks. Please give them your thoughts regarding their thread.

[Jack Frost]

Okay, Polly's first post. This appears to be the first in a long chain of her fights, and you set it up spectacularly with your usual (I've come to expect this in your writing) clueless appearance. I managed to gleam a lot about Polly in this post, and you summed her history up nicely.

I liked the idea of the shared dream, and I might just put that in my mental data banks for later use. The concept is novel, which made the thread great in my opinion. In all honesty I could care less for grammar in stories, as long as I get the point.

The execution of the Dream state was definitively distinct, and also appealed to most of the senses. The random imagery did throw me off, but then I remembered anything could happen.

Now time for Zeriths first post. Ok right off the bat I see a problem that needs attention because it could kill clarity.

s the sun was just descending from its zenith high above Radasanth, it seemed like everything was running at a comfortable (pace) yet again.

you should already have what you came form (For not form

but the ogre still feel (fell not feel)

lthough he didn’t recall having his with him when he took the potion, he suddenly found himself holding it in his right hand. (Whats in you hand? A jar of dirt, pickles? Missing words confuse the reader)

Polly from your second post I got a little bit of everything, but mostly seemed like a stall post. When I read battles I want the fighting to start on the starters second post. I'm impatient that way.

Zerith your second post was not full of typos like the last. But I had two tings I didn't truly like. First was the fact that you described how he swung the halberd, "Like he usually did." Dude I've read two of your threads, and neither described how he really fought. You can't assume the reader knows how he twirls his halberd! Give me some detail! The next thing I didn't like was the way Zevernus talked. It sounded like something your homie would say if you kicked some dudes ass in the hood. It was too modern for my taste, that may just be me. I liked that you finally started with the first blow.

Polly please, your bunny distracted me, I had to force my mind out of bunny mode and into editor mode! Anyways....We've got more action and a hit! Woohoo Z you can beat up girls! Just kidding. It seems like the battle is lost of poor miss polly, and then passer gives her a pep talk (Like he always seems to do) and then suddenly the monks are doing something weird. Now your thrashing. Overall I'm liking the thread, and it has me waiting to read the next post.

Zerith I started post six and I saw this Line five.

finally began saw (To see? perhaps you could cut out began?)
The rest of the post looked good, I liked Zevernus' reaction and how the world reacted. Lots of foreshadowing, lots of foreshadowing....

Wait, I'm not sure how old checkers is, but lets forget that. The pseudo Passer was odd, but whatever. Ok new powers obtained, then we find some sill motivation. Well played Polly, well played.


Strangle enough, (facepalm. Dude double check your work.)

Okay so you both are navigating this checker field. Some humor was well placed here. Then we find Z's power is some telekinesis. Okay. Lets see what else happens.

The last concluding posts were a little off, but I liked it. In conclusion I really liked it, but I was sad Polly lost. Oh well. overall I say this was a great thread. Just make sure to triple check posts.

[Zerith]

Thanks for the comments, guys. I know I haven't didn't have the chance to make the necessary edits due to having my daughter over. But now I managed to finish them.

So please, keep the responses coming. I had alot of fun writing this, and I would really like to hear what others thought of it!

[Sweet Polly Oliver]

Thanks for the comments guys, particularly Jack. They're definitely helpful! A few things I disagreed with in Caellach's post though:


The last part, "oh well, better..." seems to be a thought, so I might italicize it.

Not really, part of my style is that I prefer to blend thought with prose to make it seem more natural and flow more easily. Many authors don't italicize thought at all (most more 'literary' ones, especially). It's sort of a clunky thing to do. So no, thoughts don't necessarily have to go in italics, it's just one way of doing it.


Also, you use quite a few contractions, in general it's better to write out cannot or would not unless a character is talking.

Again, disagreed, and this goes back to style as well. Would not and cannot sometimes make the prose sound unnatural or overly pedantic--it's my goal to, as I said up above, make the word choice blend as seamlessly with my character as possible without sacrificing detail or meaning. That's typically what makes the persona of my characters so strong.

Thanks for the corrections on the minor mechanical details, I guess.

Side note, I'd prefer if people not do that "reserved this post" and coming back and editing it later thing in this thread. It's unnecessary, it makes it hard to tell when a thread has been updated, and it just gets on my nerves a little bit.

Also sorry if this post comes across as a bit tetchy, I just got up at like 7:30 and haven't so much as showered or eaten breakfast yet ugh. ><

EDIT:


I think it's supposed to be "As he casually brushed some of his brown curls out of his face, the warrior, dressed in a burgundy traveler's outfit, pushed himself off the wall and finally addressed his dear friend."

The commas aren't even correct. If anything it should be: "As he casually brushed some of his brown curls out of his face, the warrior dressed in a burgundy traveler's outfit pushed himself off the wall and finally addressed his dear friend." The only thing wrong with Zerith's original sentence was that he said "dress" instead of "dressed"--which I assume was a typo anyway. Adding all those unnecessary commas is incorrect. Certainly, that was an awkward sentence that could have been phrased better, but it was technically correct as far as comma usage.

Hesitate to give people advice on mechanics unless you yourself can use mechanics properly, please.

[SirArtemis]

Side note, I'd prefer if people not do that "reserved this post" and coming back and editing it later thing in this thread. It's unnecessary, it makes it hard to tell when a thread has been updated, and it just gets on my nerves a little bit.

I can understand that it's your preference, but it shouldn't really get on your nerves. Yes, it's true that you won't see the edits WHEN they are made, but given that all edits have to be in before the final judgment, which will be posted in the thread, you will definitely see all of the feedback people give when the final verdict is dished out, even if not right when they post. If anything, you should be happy, given that a reservation shows that they are dedicating themselves to the work of actually going through your thread and doing their best to provide you with feedback, and if they don't then they look like jerks.

Also, I can understand that you disagree with some of the feedback. If it's writing style then it's writing style. If it's mechanical rules then its a rule. Whatever, just read it and be thankful that they at least put in the effort. If you don't think they tried, tell the mods and then the person might not get rewarded. You only get rewarded if it's MEANINGFUL contribution, but just because you disagree doesn't mean it isn't meaningful. I'm sure you disagree with 93&#37; of what I say but you shouldn't invalidate my opinion because you disagree with you. That's why it's opinion. I'm sure most people can see that you are a talented writer, but you don't have to take it out on others who are learning or trying to help.

That's my 2 cents. I'll post later with actual feedback. I have one other workshop to finish first.


Edit: I'm not saying it's wrong to disagree... just... there are ways to present it. Some ways are more demoralizing to the contributor than others, and some people put in a lot of time and effort into reading these and trying to give constructive feedback, even if YOU don't find it constructive. At least be courteous. You were a judge. You should know it takes time to get through a thread.

[Sweet Polly Oliver]

Nevermind, what I posted here was dumb.

I am leaving the site though, so please direct your "criticism" to Zerith, because I sure as hell don't care.

[Zerith]

For the sake of clarity. I would like to make it known that I asked Polly to submit this into the Workshop. Simply because I wanted to give people the chance to say what they thought of my writing at least and that I've never tried this feature until now.

Although Polly may disagree with me, I would still like others to take this chance and tell me what they thought of my writing at least.

And please believe me when I say I would really appreciate it.

[SirArtemis]

Mmmk Zerith, I'll keep updating as I go and just give some thoughts.

One thing I did notice is that at least one time in the story you use a cultural reference such as having "the fight in the bag." Best to avoid things like this, as literal translations could confuse readers who aren't aware of the culture.

There's a point you say "before your very eyes" and I think I remember someone telling me it's best not to address 2nd person (I think that's second person?) when writing. Sure, it can be a style to speak TO the reader, but given your approach being mostly 3rd person, I think it may not ... work I guess? Just a thought. I'm not too knowledgeable about all that stuff.

Okay, you also reference a laserbeam, and I just get the feeling that that's another one of those "it doesn't exist in althanas" things, which i TRY to avoice using references to things that wouldn't exist in althanas. I dont even know if checkers would but that's easier to let slide.

I don't even know any more. Is saying "ticked off" a cultural phrase instead of annoyed or aggravated? Dictionary.com says that it's a verb-phrase in slang, so I'd assume it'd be best to avoid that too.





Okay finishing up. Overall the story was enjoyable. I could see everything and it was pretty consistent with the pace, though as always, the back and forth of two duelists kinda gives you a "last time on ...." kinda feeling which is somewhat frustrating to deal with. But that can't be helped.

As for the ending though, I did feel a bit confused, and partially annoyed. I feel like I've read a few duels recently and I never really like the whole "I don't want to die so i'll write a convenient killing of myself." I guess sometimes it works but it feels very anticlimactic. It's like if you were fighting an epic boss in a video game that was super hard and then just as you're about to get a killing blow... you watch a cutscene... and... he kills himself? thus taking your satisfaction of getting that killing blow on a hard-fought battle. I dunno. Just a thought.

I got a good feeling of your character, and I also get a pretty good view of your swordsman, though I wish I knew what he looked like.

There was also a point where in the action, you mention having to maintain concentration to keep the weapon from falling, yet you find the ability to look away and speak to polly? That seemed a bit out of place.

Mechanics.. you already know... like a 5 or 6 in this post. plenty of little mistakes. i wont go deeper than that.

I like how you use the dream to go into a flashback of your past, though there is one thing that sticks out to me simply as a person who has a different perspective of the citadel. I know you've been around much longer and you've seen the thread that actually describes it, but I pretty much envisioned that if you were IN the building, if you die, you can be resurrected. With that, I see it like.. you're dreaming from the syrum, they kill you, and resurrect you. no problem. Unless you're pulling the "inception" rip off and doing the "if he dies in the dream he'll be stuck in limbo and be catatonic" and that you can't be brought back even if you die. I dunno. It just seemed strange, though I know you have intentions of a follow-up quest with it.

Hmm I think that's about it. As polly wouldn't read my comments anyways, I'll skip her section. If u have questions Z let me know.

[Amber Eyes]

Alrighty! First off...I really enjoyed this battle. It's one of the more entertaining things I've read lately.

The descriptions of the world changing around you were perfect in the beggining. It gave the battle another side that was fun and unusual. I feel like you could have done more with the platforms towards the end though. I think Polly's character is for lack of a better word---adorable. The thoughts and emotions she portrays are completely typical of a young girl, and make you want to root for her.

Zerith, your character development was good, but sometimes you threw in names that I couldn't place without going back and reading your other threads, which tends to hurt continuity. I'm actually going to go back and read some of your stuff...so I guess you did a good enough job to get me interested...:)

I'm horrible with punctuation and the like so I'm not going to try to comment on that too much, but there were a couple of places that I actually had to re-read things. Try to read the thread over at least once at completion just to make sure nothing makes you actually stop. Grammer mistakes here and there don't necessarily detract from the thread, but spots that require a second read do. Like I said...only a couple spots though.

Anyways, overall I really enjoyed the thread.

[Silence Sei]

Polly/Zerith

STORY
Continuity (10)
7/7
Polly- You did an excellent job of telling where we were in Polly’s story. She had a reason for being there (even if she didn’t like it much) and I knew it from the get-go.
Zerith you did a good job here too. Again, it made sense to me why he was there, and how he got to that point.

Setting (10) ~
7/6-
Polly- You did a great job here too. I felt like the beginning of the thread had a perfect amount of setting. Towards the end it began to become less clear. Watch how often you change the setting though, as it slightly distracted in a couple parts.
Zerith you were strong in this area, but I got less of the environment from you. Maybe it was simply that Polly took the forefront and you didn’t have as much to work with though. Towards the end you began to use the environment more, bringing this score back up.

Pacing (10)
7/7
The pacing in this thread was good, though I did start to get tired of…”oh I’ve got herl” Pause. “And now we start over..”

21/20

CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (10) ~
8/7
Polly defiantly shone here. Your interactions with Passer were entertaining and as realistic as speaking to a bird can be.

Action (10) ~
5/8
Zerith really took this category. Polly did well, but Zerith’s actions were defined well, with a couple of exceptions.

Persona (10)
8/7
Both of you were strong in this area, though I must admit Polly’s feelings with the butterfly really are all that won this one for her.


21/22

WRITING STYLE ~

Technique (10) ~
7/7.

Mechanics (10) ~
6/5
Polly was strong here. There were a few mistakes, but nothing that made me re-read. I did catch several uses of words like ‘wouldn’t’ and ‘couldn’t’, I understand that this is a personal style choice, but it is one that will hurt you on the rubric.
Zerith, focus on re-reading to catch mistakes. Your writing was good..but some words were left out which made it really hard to read.

Clarity (10)
8/7
Again Zerith, just a few points I had to re-read things, though I didn’t take much because I’ve already deducted for this in clarity.
Wild Card (10) ~
8/8
I’m not going to give one of you over the other in this case. This thread was a ton of fun to read, and I am looking forward to Zerith’s follow-up.

29/27

Totals

Polly: 71
Zerith: 69

Polly gets 1500 exp, 150 GP

Zerith gets spoils approved pending RoG, 375 exp, and 75 GP


Artie, as TC gets 150 GP, and 200 exp.

Amber Eyes gets 50 GP and 200 exp

Jack Frost gets 100 exp and 50 GP

[Silence Sei]

Exp-GP added.

Polly Leveled, yo.