Condemnation Workshop

[Zerith]

Amber Eyes has requested a Writer's Workshop for her recently completed solo. So this thread will be open for two weeks to give you guys time to read her story and then come back here to share your thoughts about it. I would just like to ask that we try to keep things positive, okay? We're helping a buddy out afterall.

Once the two weeks are over, a rubric will be posted alongside the rewards for contributors.

So go grab a snack and enjoy the read! Then tell us your thoughts!

Condemnation (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=21394)

[SirArtemis]

Continuity – (5) I got an idea of why you had gotten to where you were. A feeling of inadequacy or not fitting in made you want to get away, and that resulted in this group of people finding a chance to contact you.

Setting – (5) Nothing really stood out to me here. The only real things that I could see in detail were the … I guess living room and bedroom. Even the interactions were somewhat limited with sitting in a chair or laying in a bed a few times. As has been suggested to me, try to go through a scene that you are describing and take a step to go through your senses. You focus mostly on visual things and what you see. What about what you smell? Is there music playing from a local tavern that is finding its way through the window? Is the heat of the fire rolling toward you and making you feel clammy and more uncomfortable with the situation?

Pacing – (5) I’m not sure how I felt about it. The story seems to start with you apologizing for the story, but it never really gets wrapped up at the end. I can envision you sitting somewhere in a room and apologizing to a group of people but I would have preferred you go back to that at the end. The story itself seemed to jump between how long it took you to get to this town where you met Jaydon, how long you had been recovering, how long were you asleep before you awoke to those headlines?


Dialogue – (6) The dialogue seemed believable for your character, but the only person you really talked to was Jaydon. None of the elves had a voice though they made appearances throughout the story.

Action – (4) I got a bit confused when you mentioned some of your actions. When you hid behind a dumpster, I got confused as to why there would be a dumpster in Althanas given that to me, dumpsters are paired with garbage trucks, which seems out of place. I can’t imagine dumpsters existing in that time. Also, I would have loved to see some detail about the spells you were performing. What they looked like and how they felt. You experience the pain of removing the anklet, but what about before then? Do you feel warmer when you cast a light spell and colder when you cast a shadow spell? Do you feel any tingle in your fingertips when you push or pull something? Is there a flash of light or anything?

Persona – (5) I got an idea of Kyla’s personality, and the only real person who I could get a feeling for would be Jaydon. Yet for the life of me, I still can’t figure out if he’s a bad guy or good guy. Were you tricked into doing what you did, or did he simply not know the outcome either? You also describe some of the Nine, but other than Sei I can’t really tell much about them.


Technique – (5) I honestly am awful with this category so I’m just giving it a five. There may have been some foreshadowing, but thinking back I can’t remember anything that was obvious. I’ve read this two times through now and the only symbolism I might have caught is the lion sconces and Kyla being Leo, but I’m not sure whether that was intentional.

Mechanics – (5) I caught a few typos here and there, whether it was a missing letter, wrong letter or an extra letter. Mixing up though, thought and through. Saying char instead of chair at least once, I think twice. Overall though it was pretty clear. Rereading your posts in small batches might help you catch these, reading out loud even more so. Also, commas can be really tricky to use effectively. Sometimes you need it before an and, sometimes you don’t. Again, reading out loud will help you with this since you can vocalize the pause that a comma is meant to represent. Also caught some tense errors.

Clarity – (7) I could follow most situations, though I think the magic lost me a bit. If you had gone into more depth during the magic scenes it would have helped visualize the scene more. Even something like explaining how you felt as the magic went through you and then how the object you pushed interacted with the environment, maybe pushing the carpet so that it folded on itself or hitting a table or chair and knocking over a coffee, maybe even explain how they moved furniture around before you performed your magic.


Wild Card – (7) I enjoyed reading this and I was impressed by your use of first person. It’s not an easy thing to do and you did a good job with it.


Final score = 54. Kyla receives no exp or gold because I’m not a real judge.



Any questions, you know how to find me.

[Zerith]

Condemnation.

One of the first things I noticed was a large lack of scenery used throughout the thread. I personally would have loved to read a description of the tavern Kyla entered, but you should also remember to use the setting as well. Be a part of it. What kind of damage was done after she took off the anklet the first time? Did the glass cut the couch to ribbons?

Also, the Pacing seemed a little strange to me. It started great, but the way you split up the posts made it a little confusing. However, I liked see Kyla take a step on her own and I was really suprised with the ending.

I'm looking forward to see how this effects Kyla and the rest of the Ixian Knights.



STORY – 14


CHARACTER – 14


WRITING STYLE – 16


WILD CARD - 6


FINAL SCORE - 50!


Rewards:

Amber Eyes receives 1312 EXP and 120 GP!


SirArtemis, being the most helpful contributor, receives 200 EXP and 100 GP!

[Silence Sei]

EXP-GP added.