I'm at it again.

[Jack Frost]

I got an idea while working on modifying a trailer today, and decided to put it on althanas. So please check this out and tell me what you think.

I would also like you to rate it by this scale of possible.

0- Worthless
1- Still pretty crappy
2- something I expect to see in other forums.
3- Average
4- Good
5- Exceptional

here's a link
http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?p=172367#post172367
Also don't post in the actual story thread with comments, Pm me or post them here.

[Zook Murnig]

Or, you could just ask us what we think, instead of telling us we have to stick to your scale.

[Jack Frost]

Sorry. Allow me to edit.

[Scrotus]

0- For Creativity. Did you come up with that idea or did Resident Evil? L4d? Dawn of the Dead? George Romero?

6- For Fun. Killing zombies is fun, but in the future is lame and cliche.

[Jack Frost]

Hey, I resent the fact that you said it is lame. I have not played resident evil, nor did I base it off of that. It's in the future so it could be althanas related, and will also make other things a lot more reasonable, I.E the fact that New Althanas (a new home world) is on the moon. Plus I plan to make it more creative next post.

[Scrotus]

It's not lame, but the future is lame.

[Jack Frost]

Well It also allows an important factor for continuity, all of this set up takes time. Later events take lots of time, and will help the plot be completely off the regular stereotype.

[Scrotus]

Yeah, that sounds accurate man, but it doesn't change the fact that...

...Future Sucks

[Zook Murnig]

While I agree, set up for certain things makes them better in the end, you still have to entertain your reader in the meantime. Otherwise, they will just stop reading, and all that work you did will be for nothing.

[Eades]

The biggest problem that I found in the story is that you really need to work on bringing detail into the narrative. You don't show the story as much as you tell it. Slow down, and put yourself in the character and really feel the scenario. Blunt sentences don't do much good.

Also, work on your editing skills. A lot of typos that I saw were words that are actual words and wouldn't be caught on spell check. You use fragments and incorrect tensing often as well.

As far as the story, if you could bring it to another level with descriptive narrative, it's one that I would find very interesting.

[Zook Murnig]

I have to agree with Eades on her points, as far as the actual writing. However, I'm going to take it further and bring up some concerns I have with the content.

First, I'm going to say as well that it sounds like you yanked the backstory straight from Resident Evil. Whether you did or not doesn't matter, only that you know it's similar and you address it in a way that makes sense.

Second...

Chroma, a human based human who could feel emotions.
I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, because it reads like Chroma is just a human, based on other humans, who can feel emotions like other humans do.

Third, why can the zombies not see him? Why can the "seekers" see him? How are we to know what a "galactic Z combat army" uniform looks like? What is an "E-series emoticon"? These things are not addressed, only tossed out as if they explain themselves.

Finally, there are some issues with consistency with the setting. You say this is Althanas in the future. Althanas is its own world, for the most part un-influenced by Earth (aside from the occasional trapped earthling PC). Why, then, does your character have boots made from the skin of a dragon that lives on Mars? Why does the zombie speak Spanish? Related to this last one, why can the Spanish-speaking zombie understand your character's Common? If it understood Common, it would speak Common.

And I have to also concur that plasma gun future is not my style.

[Jack Frost]

Thanks for pointing out the continuity mistakes, and the typo. I went into more detail about Ghost and his skill. Also, Zook I go on to describe his uniform, but I will go into greater detail as I edit. Also I see your point, I will now have to explain the Spanish.....