Inside the Fire Workshop

[Zerith]

Alright, Silence Sei, Aiko and Amber Eyes have asked for a Workshop for their recently completed thread, "Inside The Fire". So while you're busy trying to think of what to post next for that one quest of your, or when you feel bored and want something to do. Why not take the time to read this story they've created? When you're done you can come back here and share your thoughts regarding the job they did on it. All I ask is that you try to keep the comments positive.

This thread will be open for two weeks before a rubric will be posted along with all contributor awards. I know it may sound crazy, but getting rewarded for doing this seems like an awesome deal.

Enjoy the read!

Inside The Fire (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=20918)

[SirArtemis]

I apologize beforehand. This will be brief and some may be scattered. I read this over several days and may have lost track of some bits and pieces. Also, the feedback will be somewhat general.

Personally, I feel like there were too many characters introduced in this brief story. Not necessarily named creatures either. There were so many characters that I simply lost track and was a bit overwhelmed with trying to keep track of them.

I had an image of Sei and Kyla, though I think even my images are inaccurate. I feel that there may not have been any real "image" smacked onto them to give them a face other than a few details.

There were some contradictions that stood out to me, though they may have just not been explained enough. For example, at one point, you have the "father" resurrect the four original sins that Sei defeats, yet at the end you say that because they were killed and defeated, they would have to go and feed in the mortal plane until they were strong enough to return.

I think much of this had to do with the pace. It seems like a story that could have taken dozens upon dozens of pages in a book was really rushed through. I felt like I was holding the fast forward button through everything. There was no tension or buildup. Each new opponent was quickly dispatched, despite the claims of how powerful they were. It's like...

"I'm the most powerful Jedi EEEEVVVERRRR"
Then someone sneezes on him and he dies.

It really ruins the fun in reading and takes the "epic" factor out.

Another thing that might help is, for each individual writer, creating a little way of keeping track of your styles to make things consistent. For example, how you present dialogue, or thought, or whatever it may be. Keeping things consistent really helps.

Mechanical errors... bah you all know they happen. Just keep an eye out. Same shit you always hear.

I feel like this story could have been much more fun to read had it slowed down and let each scene really sink in for the reader. I'd hate to make an analogy like this, but you know how some anime make a boss battle last up to 4 episodes and each one ends off with a "to be continued..." at a crucial moment? I've seen this done in an anime about playing soccer and ending the episode with a shot on goal. It builds tension and makes you want to know how it ends.

Instead, this story felt like I took the boss battle that could have lasted four episodes, bundled it with a few other boss battles that could have lasted as long, and squeezed them into an episode where each "boss" took up 2 minutes of the 20 minute episode.

Had this been (though I know it's a LOT of work for the writers) a multi-part thread with possibly one thread being the intro to the arena and a fight against lust and envy... maybe another thread with gluttony and greed... then another one with the big open area where they are fighting to the door...

That would have allowed much more action to occur for Sei and Aiko, while giving Kyla a huge opportunity to develop her own character as well as develop characters such as Corruption and Scion and the like.

Hope that helps. Any other questions, PM me or IM me. I'd be more than happy to discuss further.

[Zerith]

Inside the Fire.

Alright guys, first I wanted to thank the three of you for submitting this into the Workshop and allowing me to be the one to judge this. One of the first things I couldn't help but notice about this thread was just how fast paced it was. The sins would make their appearance in one series of posts, and then Sei would knock them down with ease. I get that the purpose was to show just how badass Sei can be if he needed to be, but I couldn't help but think that you made the Seven Deadly Sins seem too easy.

As I mentioned before, there were some things that I didn't really understand. The two best examples would be how Gluttony showed up for a third time, and how Sei made his Doppleganger go into the mirror in the first place. It just seemed too convenient. I do things like this too sometimes, but we all have to remember to double check things. Not just for spelling errors, but things that reader may not quite understand.

The Orlouge's were played well in my opinion, Kyla came off as a girl who really didn't want to be a burden to say, and Sei came off as a pissed of mute who wanted to tear hell to pieces to find Kyla. The Sins on the other hand appeared a little dry to me, and some of their actions didn't really make sense to me (Greed is a good example of this, and I would have imagined her to try and do something similar to Envy by offering Sei wealth or something).

There were some minor spelling mistakes, and some that stood out more clearly (such as "3were"). Yeah, just reread and stuff. It's a good habit that even I need to develop.

Anyways, that's all for me now and I'm sure you guys want to see a rubric. If any of you have any questions, feel free to PM me anytime and I'll answer any questions you have.

Alright, here we go!


STORY - 18

CHARACTER - 16

WRITING STYLE - 16

WILD CARD - 4

FINAL SCORE - 54!



Rewards:

Silence Sei receives 2709 EXP and 216 GP! Also his requested spoils are approved pending approval of a RoG Mod.

Aiko receives 1039 EXP and 216 GP!

Amber Eyes receives 1074 and 151 GP!


SirArtemis, being the top contributor, receives 200 EXP and 150GP!

[Silence Sei]

Exp-GP added.

Amber Eyes Leveled Up!